I can't feel the bottom; I have no idea how deep the water is. My chest constricts making it difficult to breathe. I flip over on my back and reach my lips towards the sky above me to get more air. I feel like I am suffocating. I talk to myself, "You are okay! "You have enough air. Float for a minute; catch your breath." The water is dirty and has a distinct smell of fish, and I begin to realize that I have no idea what is in the water with me. "Stop thinking," I tell myself. "Just breathe, relax, focus."

I flip back on my stomach knowing that the only way to reach my destination is to paddle and kick. Someone next to me hits me with their arm. It pushes me slightly deeper into the water. I panic.

I give them an annoyed look, but they are focused on their swim — not on me. I hear a quick "I'm sorry" as they move on. Their swinging arms become a threat to the air I so badly need, so I move away to where I feel safer.

It doesn't take many strokes to realize that the energy I'm using also makes my lungs want more air. I flip on my back again to catch my breath. As I gulp the air in, an unexpected wave hits my face and the water sucks into my throat. I choke and cough.

"Again, you are okay, you've got this," I remind myself. I can see I am half way to my destination. My body finally realizes it is in control and can finish. My breathing relaxes and I start to paddle again. Before I know it I can feel the bottom, I bend my knees, push and start walking to the river's edge.

I made it. I am safe.

Life Lesson

I can see clearly how my swim parallels my life.

I wake up suddenly and spend many mornings in a heaviness. One that I can't seem to ignore or run away from. Being married once was tough, and being married twice was tough too. I am no longer married to an addict, and yet life is hard. Maybe harder than it once was because I am recognizing just that ... I am no longer married to an addict and some days life still consumes me. It is forcing me to take a long hard look at myself, my wounds and my imperfections. It hurts!

I think back to my first marriage and realize that I wanted someone to blame. Not that he wasn't to blame — he cheated on me. There is never an excuse for that. But I realize that I am to blame too. That is hard. Some days I wish I could be the victim, but now I know too much, and when I fall into victim mode I know it. Then shame takes over and it is worse.

I have tried to take ownership for what is mine, and I have tried to tell my story without throwing my ex under the bus. I have shared my pain and trauma, but with a victim mentality. That this was done to me.

Now I am trying to lose the victim mentality of "He did this to me" and I'm starting to recognize that his actions didn't have anything to do with me. Just like the swimmer who didn't see me until she hit me with her arm. I have to start to look at the possibility that he didn't see me either. That he was just trying to make it to his destination and our paths happened to cross.

I am at the point where I have to open my mind to the possibility that other people's responses, comments, actions and words don't tell a story about me — they tell a story about them. It tells a story about their swim to their destination.

This new knowledge has provided a new insight. So instead of seeing the world as causing me pain and shaming me, I am realizing that we are all incredibly wounded people walking around in an imperfect world, and we are just trying to make it out of the water alive.

How many of us are gasping for air, at times moving into a state of survival where we might dunk someone else either by accident or on purpose just to get a little more air?

And I start to see the world differently

How many times have my responses, comments, actions and words pushed someone down, not because I wanted to drown them but because I was just trying to survive?

And if I want people to see that I didn't mean to hurt them, and I want others to forgive me, I guess I too have to be willing to forgive. I have to be willing to see the world in a different light, and maybe it is time to see others who are gasping for air.

Editor's note: This article originally appeared on Norma Zaugg's blog, rootstoholdme.com. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Do you feel like you are drowning? appeared first on FamilyToday.

You've likely heard the famous quote by Lao Tzu, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."

I have learned that that journey can change your life forever; and it takes tremendous courage.

My journey of a thousand miles began on January 3, 2013, when I took a big step and walked into a counseling office in search of myself. I was lost and alone. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted from life. I was a wife, a mother to three little boys, had a successful career and had just completed a master's degree program.

I should have been happy. Right?

I wasn't! I didn't know who I was anymore. I had once known, but the memory of the young girl with so many hopes and dreams was buried.

Hobbies? I didn't have any.

Friends? I had many, but I kept them at surface level.

I had spent the first 37 years of my life trying to make other people happy; and somewhere along the line I had decided that if I just said, and did, what other people wanted, I'd avoid shame, criticism and judgment.

But instead, I found the opposite. It was never-ending, heartbreaking and lonely. Like a pile of Play-Doh that had been used and not put back into the container, I became overused and worn. I continued to conform as well as I could, and when I thought about stopping, my deeper fear of being tossed out would surface.

So when I began my journey, I slowly, with time and support from the counselor, quit being what others wanted me to be. The first steps were the hardest because they were met by resistance from both myself and from others.

But I knew that once I started, I couldn't go back. I was afraid. But these are the steps that kept me moving:

Remind myself daily that it is OK to be in charge of my day

The guilt and the shame were overpowering. Not only did I feel guilty for meeting my own needs, but I felt that I was being selfish and unreasonable. Others that had benefitted from my old self were resistant to the changes, and made what was already a struggle more so. As they pushed to change me back, I had to stand firm.

Never undervalue the importance of self-care

As I started doing things several times a week that were just for me, I started to discover who I was again. It led to an increase in my self-esteem. As I discovered myself again, I became more authentic, which allowed me to form healthy connections with those around me.

Set boundaries with others

As I learned better, I did better. I was a better mother, I started to develop healthier relationships with friends and continued taking care of myself.

But this would be one of the most heart-wrenching parts of my journey; my husband of 18 years didn't like the new woman who took care of herself, and he left me.

I am still on my journey of a thousand miles. I am trying to help three little boys navigate through divorce, and I am remarried and learning to blend a family. It is a struggle with unknowns around every corner.

When I look back, however, and remember that scary first step, I realize I had been missing out on a very special person back then — myself. And I am worth every step. So are you! Take a deep breath, get the help you need, and then have courage; it is worth it.

Editor's note: This story was originally published on Roots to Hold Me. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 3 steps to regain control of your life when it feels like you’re falling apart appeared first on FamilyToday.

I knew he was mad at me. After all, I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. His silence was painful, day after day leading up to Christmas. My entire life felt empty. Words indicating how worthless I was to him and how much he despised me filled the quiet rooms. I was hurting deeper than I had ever hurt before and I felt so helpless. I tried to apologize and I tried to serve him, but nothing I could say or do could fix this.

I felt so alone

It was Christmas in the year 2007. My husband and I were going to spend the holidays with his family. I was sick with fear. Would this be the moment when he would choose to stop the silence? Would everyone in his family know how awful I was? He talked with everyone, but I busied myself with my children and tried to block out what had happened from my mind. I was so anxious that my hands shook and my brain was in a fog as I floated around the house. I was finally around other people to chat with, but I wanted nothing more than to disappear and isolate myself.

That morning we woke up early. The children excited to see what Santa had brought them and after the rush of those first magical gifts, everyone gathered around the pile of presents neatly stacked under the Christmas tree. His family had a tradition: the youngest child would open their gift followed by the next oldest and so forth. My little boys were first to open their gifts, followed by my husbands little brothers and finally, it was my turn as his mother spoke my name.

I was excited for my turn, and thought a small gift would help me feel better

I sat anxiously as she searched for a gift bearing my name under the tree. She thoughtfully picked up one gift after another, carefully reading each name, handing the gifts to the recipient. As one minute stretched into what felt like eternity, a few other family members started reading names and handing out gifts in a panic. The room grew more and more silent as nobody knew how to handle the uncomfortable moment.

I felt sick to my stomach and jittery. I wanted to sink into the couch cushions and disappear. Wishing I didn't exist, tears started to fill my eyes. I tried to think of something else to hold them back. I thought if everyone else in the room thought I was okay, then everything would turn out right.

But truthfully, I was dying inside

After a few minutes, my mother-in-law smiled at me and said, "Yours must be hidden." It seemed as if the entire room took a deep breath, and without another word, they passed me by. I turned my head away for a moment to gather myself, sa I was worried my teary eyes would betray me.

A gift was easily found for the next oldest person, my husband, which was a new leather wallet I had carefully picked out for him. The rest of the presents were opened with laughs and smiles.

I tried to smile and be happy for everyone else.

The relief I felt when the attention was diverted from me didn't last long. Soon, the tradition started over with my little boy opening his second gift. I dreaded the moment when it was my turn when my mother-in-law awkwardly once again, turned around in search of a gift for me. This time the search didn't last as long.

Everyone could now see how unimportant I was

The worst part about that experience was the feeling that I was getting what I deserved. I had wanted so deeply to be a good wife. I wanted him to love and care for me, but he just didn't.

As Christmas approaches every year, I can remember that dreadful morning nine years ago clear as day. I remember feeling worthless and unimportant as he and his family passed me by without a second glance. Although my circumstances have changed dramatically and I am now divorced, that memory of being forgotten, everyone in his family seeing it and the dead silence that followed still haunts me. Not because I was in dire need of gifts, but because I was in dire need to be seen and loved.

It has taken me years, but today I can look back and realize that his neglect didn't have anything to do with me. I can see that all my imperfections and mistakes did not account for his actions toward me. He held every one of my character flaws above my head to remind me that I didn't deserve any better, and that all my flaws could be used as excuses for his poor behavior.

I now recognize that just because he didn't value me, didn't mean that I wasn't valuable. I quit letting his actions define me. I can see now that with or without any gift, I am loveable, I am valuable and I am worth seeing. And so are you. You are worth everything.

This story was originally published on Norma Zaugg's blog Roots Hold Me. It has been republished here with permission.

The post If you’ve ever been forgotten on Christmas, this is for you appeared first on FamilyToday.

Dear ___:

When I first found out about you, my heart broke.

Why would you sleep with my husband?

Was it because of lies that he told you about me? Did he play a victim? What could he have possibly told you that made you forget that I was an actual person and his wife? How did he change me from a real living, breathing, human being with feelings to an object? An object that you cast aside, an object that you didn't feel you should respect?

I think of the many times that I wanted to go to where you worked and ask about you. One of you worked at a library. How easy it would have been. I could have even approached you with a question. Maybe I would have gotten a glimpse of you that might explain why my husband would abandon me for you. Were you kind? Beautiful? What allure did you have? I wanted to compare you to me, trying to understand how this could be happening to me. In order for him to ruin our family, to take that risk, you must be really special. A real show stopper. Right?

Right?

My heart was breaking. I wonder, was yours fluttering with excitement?

When I was laying on a tear-stained pillow, suffering more than I ever imagined possible, my heart breaking and deeply wanting the pain to stop, were you laughing on your pillow giddy about the man who you were falling in love with?

Did your mind ever stop to wonder who the woman was on the other side? Or did you swat the thought away like you would have an annoying gnat?

Did you think about our children or did he tell you that he didn't have any? We have little boys who laid in my lap and cried themselves to sleep when their daddy chose not to come home. Or were you so wrapped up into your wants and needs that you ignored their existence too? They were innocent.

I wonder if your laughter could have drowned out their weeping. Did you ever stop even for a moment to think about them?

I wanted to hate you. I wanted to call you all kinds of horrible names. I wanted to make you see and feel my suffering and the pain of my children. I didn't understand why you would hurt anyone the way I was hurting. I wanted you to suffer too.

Then a small miracle occurred. A grace from God that helped me not only forgive you, but to understand that maybe we weren't so different. You saw me as an object, but I saw you as one too.

I had to face that you probably were beautiful, and kind (aren't all God's daughters) and I'm even betting that you are not selfish. Oh how I wished I could label you with some horrible terms, but I couldn't. Although this recognition was painful it is also what saved me. I stopped seeing you as an object and decided to see you as a person. If I saw you as a person I could not deny that maybe you were good and genuine. I realized that we are both broken, that is what we have in common. There was a chance that the night before you had been the one with the tear-stained pillow. You may have been the one that just wanted to pain to stop.

I recognized that I was not that far from you.

Are you hurting? I am!

Are you broken? I am!

Did you want to be loved, valued, and cherished? Me too!

Maybe we are not that different. And because of that, I forgive you. I forgive you for the pain that you caused me and I am so sorry for the pain that you suffer from.

Sending love,

Norma

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Roots To Hold Me. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

The post A letter to all the women who had an affair with my husband appeared first on FamilyToday.

Addicts are masters of duplicity. You know, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. They have a faulty core belief that says, "If anyone knew who I really was, they would not love me."

One side of the addict tries to numb the pain of being broken, while the other side tries to take over to get as much of a fix as possible. One side manipulates and mistreats those close to them so they can continue to hide their secret, often not caring about the casualties. The other side cares deeply but can't face the addiction because of their shame.

People fighting addiction are not their loved ones' enemies. They are in a battle against their personal Goliath, fighting as hard as they can with what tools they have.

They need help.

This article is for women who suspect their husbands or boyfriends may have an addiction and who are concerned about their loved one's behavior.

Here is a list of 10 common red flags that show that the person you are in a relationship with may have an addiction.

1. He can't keep his eyes from wandering when you're with him

Is he is always looking at other women, no matter where you are or what you are doing? Does he quickly look away when he sees you've noticed?

If you are on a date with a man, you - not other women - should be his main focus.

2. He lacks the desire to connect

Addicts struggle with interpersonal connection.

Do you get invited to meet other couples, but your husband/boyfriend isn't interested? Do you talk to him and feel like you are talking to a brick wall? When your cute friends come around, is he suddenly interested and engaged? Would he rather play video games than have a meaningful conversation?

If your guy exhibits any of this behavior, chances are he could be hiding an addiction.

3. He won't let you have access to his electronic device

Men could care less if you check their phones ... unless they are trying to hide something. I have seen this over and over with wives of addicts. I don't care what excuse they use. Phone secrecy = trouble.

4. He has inappropriate pictures or sexual innuendos that you have foundon his device

Sexual websites and pictures do not show up in the history of a device unless the user has been looking. I talk to women all the time who are not tech-savvy. Their husbands convince them that they don't know how the pictures showed up on the devices.

Let me tell you how: They looked at those pictures and the phone saved the information. There is so much denial in this area. If you find inappropriate pictures, it wasn't an accident.

5. He turns the focus back to you when you bring a problem to his attention

Have you ever felt suspicious and asked questions only to leave the conversation feeling like you must be crazy? Does he avoid answering your questions and try to turn the attention back on you? Does he point out your weaknesses and leave you feeling slimed? Do you leave the conversation with unanswered questions?

If you answered yes to some or all of these questions, you're likely in a relationship with an addict.

6. He is unreliable

Long-time addicts have been feeding the pleasure center of their brains for years. They don't want to do hard things. Their motto is, "Fun, fun, fun!"

Does he follow through with promises? Does he drop activities he planned with you if a better more exciting activity is presented?

Ask yourself, "When I really need (your significant other's name), does he drop everything to come help me?" If your man doesn't, you should be concerned.

7. He struggles with holding down a job or managing his money

Many addicts struggle to support their families. Often, the woman is the main and stable provider. I have also known addicts that have professional jobs; in these cases, there is just never enough money.

Can he hold down a steady job? How long has he been at his job? Is he a 30-year-old student without a bachelor's degree? Does he make $6,000 a month, but he can't pay for your dinner?

All of these things indicate there is a problem.

8. He is often caught lying

Addicts are liars. They have to be in order to keep up with their duplicate lives.

Does he lie about where he is going? Does he lie about when he will be home? Does he lie about who he is with?

Whether the lie is big or small, it is still dishonest.

9. He can't make his actions congruent with his words

Addicts can be very smooth talkers. They are known for telling women exactly what women want to hear.

If he tells you that you are the only one for him, but then you see him flirting with another girl, his words and actions are not congruent.

Watch for this carefully because it is strong indicator that something is not right.

10. He dismisses what your gut tells you

If you feel something is off, it probably is. Trust your gut no matter how crazy another person tries to make you feel. Your intuition is a powerful tool, given to you by God, that warns you when something isn't right.

If you are involved with someone who has some or many of these behaviors, let a counselor help you get to the root of the problem. I have seen lives changed and families saved because people got the help they needed.

This article was originally published on Roots to Hold Me. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 10 red flags to beware of that show you’re married to or dating an addict appeared first on FamilyToday.

Have you ever had a broken heart?

I think most of us have, probably multiple times for different reasons. When our expectations aren't met and promises are broken, we are left without a purpose, wondering what we did to get to where we are.

Often when something breaks we don't think twice; we sweep up the pieces and throw the shards away.

This happens with our hearts, too. When our hearts break, we don't want anyone to know how broken we are. We sweep up what's wrong and hide away our brokenness. For some reason we feel broken things have less value. We believe if we ignore and hide our broken hearts, no one will know we are broken.

Maybe you feel your heart has been broken so many times that you don't have a whole heart anymore. I have felt that way. But I am here to tell you there is hope.

From my experience, I've learned how to find healing, value and even beauty from a broken but mended heart.

A broken heart

During my marriage, it happened early on. I had hopes my husband would always love me, that I would be the princess and we would live happily ever after.

But soon my dreams started to die. My husband took my glass heart and threw it on the pavement.

When our hearts shatter, little shards can go flying in all directions. If we're not careful, we lose pieces that are too small to find. We madly run around, collecting what we can find so we can carefully glue the pieces back together. We try to hide all the cracks so no one knows how broken we are.

I did this and as I handed my glued heart back to my husband, I felt a little less loveable, as if the lost pieces made my heart worth less. Each time my heart broke I would use a stronger glue to avoid losing any additional pieces.

Hopes and dreams became disappointment and fear. After years of following the same pattern, I grew timid, closed my eyes, held my breath, gritted my teeth and handed my heart over cautiously. I pleaded with him not to break it again, hoping this time the outcome would be different.

My once unbroken, clear heart had been broken so many times that the glass was uneven and not beautiful anymore. You could no longer see through it; the cracks and glue distorted its shape and image.

Little do we know that each time our hearts break like this, we leave more shards out as we try to mend the pieces, shards that are dangerous, shards that can bring pain to others. These shards become anger, resentment, hate and bitterness. Your world loses its color. Senses became numb and the daily pain sweeps away hope, joy and love.

A mended heart

Through counseling and healing, however, you recognize that your pain and anger don't have be the end to your heart and soul. You can make different choices. You don't have to hide away your brokenness.

Chose to forgive others and to let God heal you. Every once and awhile you will find a painful shard - trauma, triggers, loss or pain - that sneaks in and tries to steal your peace. Left unchecked, those shards can hurt those you love and your new, healed life.

I know these shards are painful, but they have to be looked at. When you ignore them, they become festering wounds that are even more painful. You have to turn them over to God. You have to give your heart, whole or broken, to Him.

As I found shards and slivers and handed them over to God, I began to understand that for the entire time of my first marriage, I was handing my heart to the wrong person. I was handing my heart to a human man who has his own struggles, sorrow and hardships to bear. He was not capable of being a good keeper of my heart. Nor was I a good keeper of his. We both needed to hand our hearts to God.

A whole but cracked heart

There is a beautiful 15th-century Japanese art called Kintsugi that repairs broken pottery. Rather than trying to disguise breaks as if they never existed, the art form uses them to reflect the history of the object.

Artists mix lacquer with powdered gold, silver or platinum to fill in the cracks. There is no attempt to hide the damage - broken parts are illuminated and make the pottery worth more.

When we turn to God, we want him to fix us, to make us perfect and seamless. But He, just like the Kintsugi artists, sees the worth and value in our wounds, in our history.

After time, God makes our hearts stronger, giving us the capacity to love more. Through Him we have more compassion and empathy for others who are suffering because we understand pain.

Our hearts are works in progress, but God makes us whole. As we heal, He fills in our cracks with a beautiful gold lacquer, leaving all the damage visible. In time we see we are more beautiful and valuable that way.

The post If your heart is breaking, read this appeared first on FamilyToday.

I hid because I feared if anyone saw me, they would see how unlovable I actually was. I feared if I removed the mask, I wouldn't find anything underneath.

I have been scared to share my story, but God led me to this moment. He gave me lessons, experiences and growth I never expected. He told me it was time to share, so here I stand: raw, imperfect and scared - JUST ME. No more hiding. No more secrets.

An introduction to masks

Masks have been around for centuries and have served many purposes. Historically, both Native American and African cultures used masks to lose their human identity and protect their tribes.

Party or masquerade masks serve a slightly different purpose. These masks I am most intrigued with. They are used as a barrier between the person wearing the mask and the audience, worn for the purpose of staying hidden and remaining anonymous, for creating a mysterious entrance and silent exit.

My masks, like masquerade masks, are for disguise. I have masks for just about every circumstance, and I have been collecting them for as long as I can remember.

A story about my masquerade

The first time I removed one of my masks to a stranger the air thickened, my heart raced and my chest compressed. I peeked around the side of the mask carefully. I didn't want anyone to see the real me. I was sure they wouldn't like what they saw.

What would I do if my predicitions came true and I was viewed as worthless?

My masquerading reached a pinnacle when my husband of 18 years walked out the door. I soon discovered his infidelity, drug use and addictions. I kept his secrets to myself because somewhere deep down I thought I was partially accountable: "If only I was skinnier, prettier, smarter or nicer, then he wouldn't have done this."

I layered myself under more and more masks, trying to hide from exposure.

Then, one day my masks were ripped off, torn away from me and I was forced to stand exactly as I was and face my worst fears.

Surprisingly, people tried to mask me with ugly masks that spoke untrue stories about me of both emotional and physical affairs. I tried to take them off, but these masks stuck. However, with help from a therapist, I eventually removed them. My face was as raw as my heart; neither had seen the sun for years. Most days I hurt everywhere and longed for the safety of my masks.

But I started to really see myself. I began to see all the masks were lies - whether they were the masks I created so others would see me as a good cook, homemaker or mother, or the masks others made for me painting me as a cheater, liar and horrible wife. None of the masks were real.

I began to put my masks away. I learned what others thought of me didn't define me. I had the power, without any masks at all, to be whatever I chose to be. God showed me my gifts, and he made me beautiful.

Now I define myself without masks. I am a good mom who loves my children with my whole heart. I am a good wife who tries her best to make a safe, comfortable home for my family to return to. I am a woman who has learned love, forgiveness and hope through many dark nights.

The old masks are right at my fingertips and often beckon me to use them again. There are days when it takes all of my strength to not pick up a mask and put it on. But I am strong and don't rely on my masks anymore like I used to. And I know the day will come when I am able to dispose of all of my masks completely.

A guide to help you remove your masks

If you are ready to remove your masks and find the real you, there are five tools I have found beneficial.

1. Own your story

Accept you are imperfect and remind yourself that mistakes are opportunities for learning. Part of this acceptance is also recognizing and accepting your gifts.

2. Quit listening to "should bes"

Those words imply you are not enough as you are.

3. Seek truth in all things

Learn that just because someone says something, doesn't mean it is true. Others don't get to define you; you get to define you.

4. Recognize that being authentic is uncomfortable

Practice leaning into that discomfort. Some people shy away from authenticity; regardless of how others respond, keep leaning.

5. Discover the importance of being in check with your emotions

Keep your emotions in check, but don't ignore them. When you're upset, lean into the sadness to determine what is hurting you. When you're happy, breathe in the joy and let it enter your soul.

Remember when we hide behind masks, we never really know our real selves. Do away with the hiding, and start to love yourself just the way you are.

The post How to remove your masks and live your authentic life appeared first on FamilyToday.