1. Recognize that our mistakes are part of the learning process

This process teaches us who we are and what we need to know as we grow in this world. For example, consider the small child learning to walk. Long before those first independent steps - with that large jubilant grin - are many tumbles and falls, big tears and cries of frustration. We comfort our babies through their tumbles - "Try it again! You'll get it!" Β We reach out our arms to them encouraging them onto their feet one more time. We know they'll learn to walk - a step at a time, a tumble at a time. We know they'll gradually develop strength in their little limbs, balance between their two little feet, confidence to move forward and go where they want to go.

We need to remember that principle over the whole course of life - for ourselves, our children, our spouses and others. None of us exhibit perfect performance in our first attempt at anything. We stumble, we learn, we cry - and then we get up and try again. It is important to remember to be patient with those early efforts, knowing that we often learn as much from our failures as we do from our successes. In that learning process, we can extend mercy and kindness to ourselves and our loved ones, knowing that today's mistake is often the gateway to tomorrow's transformation.

2. Let bygones be bygones

Once a mistake is past, let it stay in the past. Don't keep bringing it up in the present and don't keep projecting it into the future. Doing so unnecessarily extends the pain and disruption of the original mistake. When we keep beating ourselves or others up with repeated reminders of old mistakes, it makes it difficult to move on to a happier, more successful place.

While mistakes are an unavoidable part of the learning process, they are only part of the journey - not the destination. When we fall, we don't need to keep remembering and obsessing about our failures. Rather, we need to get back on our feet, refocus on our desired destination and then move forward again. And we need to let others - who will also make mistakes at times - do the same.

3. Decide to forgive and let go

This is often easier said than done. We fear that if we forgive a mistake in ourselves or in someone else, it excuses the mistake and increases the likelihood that it will happen again. In contrast, forgiveness clears the slate and makes possible a rich new experience. Forgiveness helps weed the garden of our lives and families so there is room to plant happy, positive new experiences.

4. Write the story of the mistake - beginning, middle, and end

Writing provides perspective and clarity in dealing with challenging events in our lives. It allows us to see where we've been, what we've learned, what we can change and where we can go from here. Writing, by its very nature, accesses the rational parts of our minds where planning and goal-setting occur. Writing about a troubling event takes that event out of the exclusively emotional parts of our minds where the troubled memory might swirl around indefinitely, without resolution. It brings that memory instead to the reasoning part of our minds where we can consciously decide what to do with a particular mistake or learning experience. We can write about how the mistake occurred, what conditions accompanied it, what we have learned from it and what conditions we can change to avoid a repetition of that mistake in the future. Writing is one of the best and cheapest tools available to help us move beyond old pain and find our way to a more hopeful and productive condition.

5.

Apologize to those hurt by the mistake and make things right, to the extent possible

Mistakes almost always have a hurtful impact on at least one other person - often those closest and dearest to us. To the extent possible, we must repair the wrongs and the damage created by the mistake. We should express our regret to those hurt, make a clear plan for how to correct the damage and then actively carry out that plan.

6. Give the burden to God, and trust His ongoing support and guidance

To an all-knowing God, our mistakes and those of our loved ones are no great surprise. He never set out to create perfect creatures. Rather, he gave the gift of life to his imperfect, but beloved children. Just as we stretch out our hands to the tiny toddler who has just fallen to the ground again after a few fumbling steps, so we can trust that the God of the universe stretches out his hands to us in our falls and failures. As we call encouragement to our little ones in their tumbles, so he calls encouragement to us, "Try again! Get back on your feet, learn from what you've just experienced, and use it to improve on the next effort. Keep going - you'll get it!"

In applying these steps, our mistakes can be part of the education of our souls. The goal is not to avoid mistakes - it is to learn from them and then move on.

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In a world where we are intimately exposed, through media coverage, to each of these horrific events in turn, we are no longer affected only by disasters that affect us personally. We feel the devastation of families and individuals living thousands of miles away. Even from the safety and comfort of our own well-stocked homes, we might watch the destruction, empathize with the victims, and share in their tearful questions: "Why?"; "How could a loving God allow this terrible thing to happen?"; "Where was God, when this horrific tragedy occurred?"; "Does He even exist at all?"

Such wrenching questions are as old as humanity itself. In the face of devastating circumstances, such questions are natural, even inevitable. We tend to ask our deepest, darkest questions as we pass through the deepest, darkest circumstances of our lives. More often than not, we can find answers to those questions that can strengthen our resolve, expand our faith, and bring even deeper assurance that we are not alone.

Many individuals face these kinds of questions in the midst of devastating personal circumstances. The destructive experience of childhood sexual abuse, the devastation of watching a cherished marriage blow up, the news of a life-threatening illness found within yourself or a loved one, the loss of someone dear to you, or the early end to a pregnancy. Such a wide range of devastating personal events can bring up these hard questions as we face those most wrenching circumstances of our personal lives.

Nowadays, it is no longer just our own devastations that can impact us. In the face of someone else's tragedy or someone else's trauma we sit watchful on our living room couches and pray, and grieve from the sidelines of someone else's pain. Their trauma launches our questions with almost as much ferocity as if it was our own tragedy we were facing. Because these big questions affect all of us whether in the best or worst circumstances of our personal life journeys.

When tragedy strikes, when trauma occurs, or when devastating circumstances arise, for us or someone else - how can we make sense of these experiences, hold on to our faith, and move forward with hope in our lives?Β 

"When I was a little girl, I used to think that faith meant, 'If I was a good person, God would keep bad things from happening to me. Now, after passing through this trial, I have a new definition of faith. If I keep looking to Him, no matter what, He can absolutely sustain me, through whatever life throws at me.' That's a very different definition of faith that has been able to sustain me - even through the very worst of times."

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This age-old question, so relevant in the shadow of recent media stories, was perhaps never asked or answered better than in 1946 when Victor Frankl, a Jewish psychoanalyst recently released from a Nazi prison camp, wrote his timeless book, "Man's Search for Meaning." Frankl had spent several years in this inhumane environment, witnessing firsthand the unspeakable and daily atrocities of the Holocaust. He chronicled the terrible suffering, the giving up hope, the loss of meaning experienced by many of his fellow inmates at the concentration camp. But he also recorded the private triumphs of a few of his fellow prisoners. His account provides another testament of the strength of the human spirit, when it looks beyond its own suffering to a higher meaning, a higher good. Frankl reports:

"We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. - P.65-66.

Throughout his book, Frankl contrasts the choices of such remarkable individuals with the more common response - people who gave up hope in the concentration camps, became bitter, or even became inhumane and violent themselves in response to the violence that surrounded them. He reported how those special individuals who overcame this terrible experience did so out of love, which they discovered and strengthened within themselves at a much deeper level, in the face of these extreme circumstances. These individuals were strengthened by the tender recollection of loved ones - and by the determination to provide at least a little relief and support to someone else, even in the midst of their own heartbreak. They became more fully, vibrantly human - boldly daring to extend love to others, even while they were being treated unkindly themselves.

"The last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way," is the privilege of every human being - regardless of race, religion, or family background. The challenge to find positive meaning and growth, even in significantly negative circumstances, is a challenge we share with all humanity.

How can we, in facing devastating circumstances in life, find meaning, hope, and purpose?

How can we find the strength to endure well, so that our adversity can play a positive role, rather than a negative role, in shaping our character and our relationships?

1. Focus on the positives

When terrible things happen, it is human nature to focus on them, day and night. This natural human tendency is vastly expanded by our media system, which feeds us an unending stream of stories and information about destructive events. While it's important to be informed, we must always remember that a single negative event is only one event out of thousands; that a single destructive person is only one person out of thousands.

For every bad thing that happens, if we will look around, there are many good things that happen. While these don't get zoomed-in media attention like the negative stories, they are just as abundant - and just as real. In our personal lives, and in the public life we share as a community, we must remember to look for, appreciate, and celebrate the positive - especially during our hard times.

1. Find someone close by to support and help

There is almost no better cure for despair or a sense of meaninglessness than playing a positive supportive role for another human being who really needs you. You may not be able to fix the heartbreak of far-away families in the most recently reported news story. But you can absolutely make a difference for someone in your own circle of acquaintance - reaching out to a troubled family member, neighbor, or friend; or volunteering to assist some local organization that brings relief to the disadvantaged in your community.

1. Remind yourself of what you, and others, have already overcome

Human beings can endure great suffering, and learn great lessons from it. Look back over your own life, to things you've endured and overcome before, and what you learned from those experiences. Look to other individuals in history, in the media, or in the circle of your acquaintance, who have endured tragedy and overcome it - becoming better, stronger, kinder people in the process. Nourish hope within yourself that this most recent challenge can be overcome, and that you can become an even more resilient, wiser, more compassionate version of yourself.

1. Keep a personal journal,

chronicling your experiences, your feelings, and the things you learn. Journaling these experiences will give you perspective that makes the hard times more bearable. And it will provide a helpful resource for you and for others, to extend strength in enduring difficult times ahead.

As we face serious challenges, in our world and in our personal lives, we can move forward with serenity and hope - knowing that even the very worst experiences have power to contribute to the making of our very best selves, the development of our very finest gifts.One tiny star shines brightest on the very darkest night. In the dark times we, and those around us, pass through; those bright stars of hope and goodness can become visible and strong, bringing out the best in us far more powerfully than is ever possible in more tranquil times.

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Never is this more true than in dealing with news stories about horrific events affecting other children. When such events occur, they often generate wave after wave of depressing news coverage, describing the violence, the carnage, the contributing causes for the disaster, and other distressing information. Often statistics are provided, detailing how often such terrible things happen, expanding further the impact of the current featured disaster.

Many adults describe feeling devastated and frightened in the face of such information. If that is true for adults, how much more true it can be for tender young children, who sense their own vulnerability in an often frightening world.

Of course, for some unfortunate children, the disaster strikes much closer to home than merely in an upsetting news story. Some children face disaster and terror within their own lives, or within their own homes. Abuse, divorce, death, crime, health challenges, or other troubling circumstances can shadow the life of a child in their most tender years, as they are forming their core perspectives about life.

When you are seeking to help an overwhelmed child - whether as a parent, a neighbor, a teacher, a counselor, or in whatever capacity - you can have great power to help them make sense of difficult experiences in ways that can mobilize their strength, rather than just awaken their fear. Here are some suggestions for how to help children through such troubling circumstances, whether in their own personal lives, or through exposure to troubling stories in the media:

1. Help them see it in perspective

Focusing exclusively on negative events when they occur is a natural and common reaction in human beings (and in the media.) But it is not necessarily a healthy one. It expands and generalizes the impact of the negative experience, creating the feeling that danger lurks around every corner, that no place or circumstance is safe.

To fight this tendency, help children remember the positives - the people they can trust, the positive experiences they have enjoyed, and can still enjoy.

For example, one young boy, dealing with the impact of having been sexually abused, sought counseling, fearing that such a negative experience had broken him, dooming him to a life of pain and of not feeling good enough. In counseling, he was encouraged to envision a large pizza, filled with a delectable mountain of cheese and pepperoni. One of those pepperonis was cooked too close to the edge of the oven, and was burnt to a crisp. The boy was asked if he would throw the entire pizza away. "Of course not," he replied. "I'd throw away the burnt pepperoni - and then enjoy the rest of the pizza."

This simple analogy helped that boy understand that though destructive elements may appear, they are only a tiny part of an entire life experience.Β When the good things are remembered and enjoyed, the bad things make only the slightest impact. Resisting the tendency to over-focus on the bad, and remembering to see the whole picture, including the positives, makes the negative easier to endure - and finally overcome.

2. Let them know they are not alone

Let them know that you and others are there for them, to support them and help keep them safe. Let them know also that whatever they are facing, they are not alone in facing it. Tell them about other people who have passed successfully through similar challenges, and who came out better and stronger for it.

3. Provide a safe environment for them to talk about their feelings

When devastating events occur, it helps to be able to talk through the conflicting and overwhelming feelings that may arise. Provide a safe place, where it is OK to say anything, where children will not be judged if they express feelings of anger, despair, terror, or even guilt. Provide support through the expression of those difficult feelings. Provide a shoulder to cry on, a kind word of validation, a warm acceptance of the normalcy of feelings expressed - even if they're not pretty.

There is almost nothing more powerful that you can do to help limit the destructive impact of a negative experience, so it doesn't haunt and afflict that child throughout life, than to help a child to talk about it shortly after it occurs. Then gently help them to move on to happier topics and happier experiences.

4. Let them know that they are loved

Love is the balm that can most powerfully heal even the deepest of sorrows. Extend affection, support, understanding, and patience. Children may not be on their best behavior when they are struggling to make sense of difficult circumstances. They may become unfocused, whiny, demanding, distracted, angry, or detached. Such reactions can be unpleasant. But loving a child consistently, even through such behaviors, sends a powerful, affirming message that can more quickly help them to deal with whatever is bothering them, and move on from there.

Working through hard things is a taxing process - for an adult, but even more so for a child. Your support and guidance to a child in difficult times is a gift that can help them not just today, but for years to come - impacting not only their own life, but the lives of all they will reach out to and affect themselves, when it becomes their turn to extend loving support to others who struggle.

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Our challenge as parents - and our privilege - are to love the unfolding reality of our child - stage by stage, and layer by layer. The older they get, the more they tend to exhibit the unique individuality of their core nature. The baby we cradle in our arms may not look or act considerably different than any other baby. All young infants share the need for food, warmth, security - and frequent diaper changes. Yet, even in these very young children, individual differences are noticeable; differences, for example, in what elements of life delight, frighten, comfort, or motivate them.

Individuality begins to blossom abundantly as children grow into toddlerhood as they learn to say "no" and "mine", thus separating themselves from parents, and practicing their budding capacity for having their own opinions and desires. This stage can be challenging for parents, especially those who expect a high level of compliance, "You'll do it this way because I told you to". Or, it can be a grand unfolding adventure of discovery as the child begins to see the world through his own unique eyes, demonstrating his own preferences and individual traits, and you as his parent discover that new world along with him.

As children grow, they may become individuals very different than what their parents had originally hoped or envisioned. The would-be quarterback may become the sensitive songwriter. The hoped-for feminine daughter may reject the intended pink lacy dresses, and prefers to spend her early years in athletic-looking activewear and torn blue jeans. A child may demonstrate a talent or interest that varies significantly from our own preferences. He may choose a different religious, political, or sexual orientation from what we might have preferred. She may choose a very different life path than the one we had envisioned for her.

How can we appreciate and love our children for the individuals they are? How can we nurture and support the unique talents and gifts they bring with them into the world?

1. Keep Β an open mind

Your children may choose to follow your preferred course in life - or they may not. You can have a rich, eye-opening adventure with each of your children, as you learn to see the world through their eyes, and as you nurture respect for the individual reality of whom your child reveals himself or herself to be over time.

2. I dentify and support your child's unique talents

Provide opportunities and materials for your child to grow in the direction of his or her own individual gifts. Lessons, team membership, instruments and other resources can help greatly in this process.

3. B e willing to learn from your child

As your child grows, he or she may display interests or capacities that are beyond the range of your own life experience. Your own worldview and abilities can grow by leaps and bounds, as you remain willing to learn new skills, have new experiences, and enjoy new things alongside your child.

4. Resist the temptation to insist on simple compliance

There may be more than one effective way to do any given task. Be willing to see things in another way than what is natural for you. This can be challenging, but it can be one of the most meaningful gifts you can give to any other person, and is especially empowering for your child.

5. E xpress appreciation for your child's individuality

Tell your child often how proud you are of them for the unique things they contribute to your family, and to the world around them.

6. L ove them for who they really are

There is nothing more affirming than being loved for being yourself rather than what somebody wanted or expected you to be. That is a gift of immeasurable value that will serve and sustain your child throughout their entire lifetime.

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How can you show your spouse your love, in a way that will feel meaningful and satisfying to you both?

This can be a difficult task over the course of a long-term relationship. As the bills arrive, the children join our family with their constant needs, and the demands of work and other commitments take their toll, we may have limited time to invest in our marriage relationship. We continue to express our affection to our mates - but we tend to do so in the style most natural and fulfilling to us. This may or may not match the emotional needs or preferences of our partners.

In 1992, Dr. Gary D. Chapman wrote an insightful book called "The Five Love Languages : How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate."In this book, Dr. Chapman identifies five love languages or styles of expressing love. He notes that, as individuals, we naturally have a primary and secondary love language that we most strongly value, while the other styles may be less meaningful to us.

The five love languages he identifies are

1. Verbal Affirmation

Kind and loving words, spoken or written, expressing appreciation, affection, and admiration for our spouse.

2. Acts of Service

Practical tasks, such as housework, yardwork, or professional work providing needed income for the family.

3. Physical Affection

Touch as a means of expressing love. It can include but does not necessarily equate with sexual intimacy.

4. Gifts

Physical items expressing caring interest in the loved one. These can be expensive purchases, or can be inexpensive but thoughtful tokens of affection, such as a flower or card.

5. Quality Time:

Focused time spent with one another, with no other purpose than enjoying your relationship and association.

Dr. Chapman observes that in the beginning of a relationship, during the falling in love stage, we tend to express love to each other in all five of these languages. We talk, touch, give gifts, spend time, and do little things for one another to express that love and commitment that we so deeply feel.

Because we are expressing love in all five languages during that stage, the preferred love language of both partners gets expressed, and both partners feel deeply loved and cared for.

Over time, however, as life gets busier and more demanding, we have to divide our time and focus between our marriage and our other commitments: kids, job, and so forth. So we continue to express love to our mates - but we naturally tend to do so in the ways most meaningful to us. Meanwhile, our spouse may be doing the same thing, but in a completely different way - in a different love language.

For example, consider Clark and Mary. Clark's first love language is physical touch, and his second is practical service. As life gets busy, he continues to express love for his wife by providing for his family, mowing the lawn, helping out with the dishes a few times a week, trying to initiate sexual intimacy, and kissing his wife goodbye when he leaves for the day.

But he is discouraged to observe that she seems increasingly ungrateful for his efforts - complaining that all he ever does is work, and pulling away from his sexual and nonsexual efforts to connect physically, saying that all he ever thinks about is sex.

Meanwhile, Mary continues to express her ongoing love for Clark in her preferred love languages - which are first, quality time, and second, words of affirmation. She tries to set up times for them to talk, go out on dates, and enjoy occasional weekend retreats. She leaves kind little notes for him in his lunch, and tells him how much she appreciates the good man he is. She makes time daily to ask him how his day at work went.

But she becomes discouraged when he comments in frustration that "talk is cheap," and when he is too busy with his long task list to provide the time and focus she tries to preserve for their marriage. Over time, both people increasingly feel that they give and give and never get anything back. Both may privately wonder if their relationship is dying - if their partner still cares for them at all.

Love can be richly abundant in such a relationship. It just needs to be refocused into areas where it is most effective in meeting the emotional needs of the loved one. Each partner can learn to make educated choices about how to invest loving effort most effectively, to help their spouse feel cherished and appreciated.

Here are five steps to help you get started in this effort to learn to express love in the style most meaningful to your partner:

1. Learn more

about the five love languages. Dr. Chapman's books and his website, are the best resource for this.

2. Talk to your spouse

about the five love languages, and determine what the primary and secondary languages are for each of you.

3. Ex periment

on ways you can express love to your mate in their preferred languages. Don't expect perfection - these loving efforts may take you out of your comfort zone.

4. Give your spouse gentle suggestions and feedback

on how they can best express love to you, in your preferred languages.

5. Be p atient

This tends to be a growing experience for both partners. Initial efforts may feel awkward or unnatural. But with patience, humor, and persistence, love can be nurtured and even rekindled, in a powerful and mutually fulfilling way.

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One of the most powerful and far reaching strategies for showing love for our spouse is to acknowledge, validate, and respect their point of view - even if it differs significantly from our own.

Almost by definition, in a wide variety of areas, spouses will experience differences of opinion, and place different priorities on things. Spouses will likely exhibit different styles of parenting, experience different levels of sexual interest, have different preferences for managing and spending money, and prefer to spend time in different ways.

In a loving relationship, how can we build unity and consensus, when there are so many areas in which we differ?

1. Remember that those differences are a gift, not a curse

We don't marry replicas of ourselves. Nothing would be more boring or pointless than spending life with a clone of yourself. The whole point of marriage is to expand your world - to have a partner who can complement and balance your strengths, and fill in your weaknesses, who can enrich your life experience, not replicate it.

It is true that in many ways we tend to be attracted to our opposite. Sadly,__those differences that create attraction in the beginning of a relationship are often the very same things that can spark conflict and pain for the duration of that marriage.__

But it doesn't have to be that way

When we approach those differences with curiosity, fascination, and appreciation - rather than resentment - they can be a doorway to personal growth, expanded enjoyment, and broadened perspective for both partners.

2. Learn to use binocular thinking, not telescope thinking

We each naturally tend to see things the way we see them - as if through a telescope, a single narrow lens through which we view everything. There is much we can see through that lens, but there is also much that we miss.

Part of the fun of having a spouse is learning to see through their lens too. This isn't something that comes naturally. But when we learn to recognize that their perspective - their lens is just as real and valid as our own - when we learn to see through their lens alongside our own, we will see much more comprehensively, and much more accurately.

And that expanded vision - both of us still seeing what we naturally see, but learning to also see what our partner sees - is the foundation of unity, conflict resolution, and joy in our marriage.

3. Intentionally educate yourself in your partner's perspective

Seeing what you see doesn't take any particular effort - you've been doing it your whole life. Seeing what your partner sees, understanding what your partner feels, being consciously aware of what your partner needs - this can take significant effort and unselfish, focused attention.

Carefully consider and study your partner's observations. Listen to your partner intently, and ask questions to help you understand what they are experiencing. Read books about personality differences, gender differences, different parenting styles, etc. It is often easier to understand and put words to our differences first through an author's descriptions.

4. Learn to think AND not OR

The most common fight in marriage, whether we're discussing parenting, finances, in-laws, sex, or whatever, tends to be: "WHO'S RIGHT?"

We are naturally oriented to our own ways of viewing and judging the world. We may present evidence for our perspective, and try to discount or invalidate our partner's view, hoping they will see the light and accept our idea instead of their own. This is rather unlikely, and just tends to generate conflict and pain in the relationship.

We naturally think, "Either I'm right, or you're right - and I already know I'm right!" It can be a new idea to consider the possibility - "What if I'm right AND my partner is right, we're just seeing different pieces of the puzzle?" We can solve our puzzles quicker and more effectively when we validate the importance of all the pieces, not just those within our own easy reach.

While we tend to naturally reject ideas that don't fit within our personal worldview, we can replace that tendency with a willingness to learn and grow beyond the limits of our own perspective, our own personal comfort zone.

Our partner's perspective can open to us a whole new world of possibilities and potential for growth. And in valuing our partner's perspective, we learn to value and love them as our partners, our equals, our teachers. As one wise observer put it:

The goal in marriage is not to THINK ALIKE, but to THINK TOGETHER!

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In many ways, these devices can serve and support our real-world connections

The busy mother texts her daughter at school to let her know she'll be a few minutes late. The loving grandparents enjoy Facetime or Skype with their bright-faced grandchildren, hundreds or thousands of miles away. The young couple settles into each other's arms to enjoy a romantic movie together, bringing up even more warm and tender feelings between them. TheΒ two brothers delight together in the adventures they share onscreen, in the rich and compelling imagery of their favorite fantasy game.

Media has become an ever-present part of our lives and relationships

Recorded music provides an increasingly personalized soundtrack for our everyday activities, through our radios or Pandora playlists. Those working and students at school spend their workdays typing on computers - then go home to relax to an onscreen movie, game, or browsing session. We may spend many - if not most - of the hours of every day focusing on images that pass before us on some bright electronic screen. Is that helping us - or harming us? Is that strengthening our relationships - or endangering them?

While these devices can bring endless enjoyment and enrichment, they also hold significant perils. We and our children are gaining more weight, becoming vulnerable to more health problems as we spend hours of sedentary time staring at a screen. Our eyesight can become impaired by focusing for long periods at the TV or computer screens. Perhaps most significantly, our most important relationships can become endangered by the lack of needed time and attentionas focus shifts for hours at a time to what's happening on the screen - rather than what's happening in the real world, between real people.

If we are wise, we can use the powers of these devices to strengthen our lives and our relationships, rather than weaken them. Here are some suggestions:

1. Time limits - Balance onscreen time with real-world time

We need to make sure that we and our children are enjoying plenty of time in the real world, with real people playing together, talking face to face and working together. Turn the TV off by a certain time. Set limits on how many minutes or hours of gaming time members of your family are allowed. Put your laptop in sleep mode every so often, and go check in with your spouse or child. Make sure media isn't consuming every minute of the day. Make time daily to focus eye-to-eye and heart-to-heart on the most important people in your life.

2. Develop hobbies and interests in the physical world and enjoy them together

Media is so instantly available and abundant it can make us lazy, both mentally and physically. It's so easy to check Facebook again, or click "Play" on yet another Netflix movie, or let the TV roll on to the next piece of programmed entertainment, or enter just one more level of your favorite video game. These media products are designed to capture and retain our focus. Make sure you are in charge of your life - not the producers of these products. Remember to get outside, get active, use your hands and your mind for something other than interacting with an electronic screen.

3. Be proactive and creative in your life and relationships

Do something physical and fun in the real world. As marvelous as the onscreen world is, it is still just an image, not a reality. Get out in nature, out where there are real people. Shovel your neighbor's walk. Ask your child about their day. Clean that neglected bathroom or garage. Most important, spend focused, meaningful time with your spouse or child without the distraction of media. Talk to each other, look into each other's eyes, share feelings. It may perhaps be the most important change you can make, to strengthen your most important relationships.

4. Every so often, do a media fast

Set a period of time to turn off the TV, the iPod, computer, radio, or any other media device. Remember how life can feel when it is given primary focus. Become reacquainted with your own private thoughts and write them down. Become reacquainted with your family members; play with them, talk, work with them, and laugh together. After a day or two without media, you will be better prepared to find that crucial balance between real life and onscreen life; enjoying the blessings of media, without letting it consume your life or your relationships.

With care, we can use the marvelous technologies of our time to enrich our loving relationships - rather than replace them or distract from them.

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Not all parenting moments are like that. There are the tantrums, the messy diapers, and the fights over chores. There are the unmet curfews, the unintended fender benders, and the report cards with less than stellar grades. For some, there's the unplanned pregnancy, or the discovery of drug paraphernalia in the bedroom closet, or the devastating suicide attempt.

Parenting can bring our highest highs, and our lowest lows. It can create our deepest satisfactions, and deepest heartbreaks. When our kids disappoint us at times - when they choose the opposite of what we wanted for them - when they break our hearts, or turn away from everything we ever tried to teach them - in those challenging times, they may need our love and assurance more than ever. How can we show our love for them, even when they are at their worst, when they least seem to deserve our kindness and affection?

1. Keep it in perspective

Don't get sucked into the drama of a difficult moment. Deal with today's challenge, keeping in mind the brighter times you have shared previously with your child. Most often, storm clouds come for a while, then pass. When stormy times come into the relationship with your child, remember the sunny days, and anticipate happier times ahead.

2. Stay grounded and serene yourself

Do something to refocus and center yourself. Maybe it's a long bubble bath, or a brisk walk around the block, or quietly counting to 10. Maybe it's a heartfelt prayer, or private time in your car or bedroom, or writing out your feelings in a journal. Maybe it's a conversation with a counselor, a religious leader, or a trusted friend. Your serenity won't solve the entire problem, at least it will prevent you from adding to it.

3. Keep your voice gentle and steady

Even if, your child is screaming at you, be the bigger person, and don't retaliate with harshness or threats. You help calm yourself, and calm your child, when you think peaceful thoughts, then reflect them in a peaceful tone of voice.

4. Find something positive to appreciate, even in hard times

Let your child know that you remember and respect the positive things they bring to you and your family. Even when you're discussing a difficult topic, express in clear words your love and appreciation for your child.

5. Maintain connection and eye contact

In the face of conflict, it is a natural reaction to withdraw, separate oneself, or turn away. However, doing so creates even more distress, for both you and your child. Stay turned toward your child - maintain gentle eye contact - verbally and nonverbally express your interest and concern. Often, children will work through the conflict of the hour if they can feel the strength of your steady support and awareness. Resist the temptation to pull away because those hard times may be when your child needs you the very most. Don't be pushy or clingy, but stay connected.

6. Show an increase of love after a period of conflict

Customize expression of that expanded love to your individual child. Bake their favorite pie, or take them on a special parent-child date to their favorite place. Talk to them kindly, and provide a safe place for them to express their feelings. Spend some special focused time with them. Misbehavior so very often is a desperate attempt to get parental attention. So, be proactive. Provide a struggling child with the greatest gift - your focused time and attention. If you do that early, you may help prevent some of the more difficult episodes, preserving time and focus for happier times with your child.

7. Separate the person from the behavior

Particularly when infractions are serious, remember to love the person - even if, you hate the behavior.

We all make mistakes at times - sometimes even serious ones. We all need to be loved - even when we don't deserve it. Loving your child in challenging times will strengthen the bond more than almost any other experience in life - giving them a secure foundation of trust and self-esteem, and giving you the opportunity to grow in the capacity for loving others - no matter what.

The post Showing love for your kids… even when they least deserve it appeared first on FamilyToday.

Many women describe this situation in terms reflecting severe trauma and betrayal

"The world as I knew it just blew up." "It's like he had an affair. No, it's worse than an affair because there are so many women involved, in endless supply." "Suddenly, nothing in our life together feels real anymore." "My trust in him is utterly destroyed."

Women also describe the devastating impact this has on their sense of themselves, and of basic safety within their marriage: "This means - I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not"¦ enough." "I can't even leave the house anymore without wondering if he's going to do it, again." "I wonder now if it's safe to leave him alone with our children." "I worry that our sons will find his porn, and develop similar problems." "I'll never be able to trust him, again." "Maybe I need to end this marriage."

In the wake of all this, women in this situation often describe feelings of intense anger and disillusionment toward their spouses. They often feel that all of the good qualities they had once seen in him are nothing but pretense and deception. Years with him now seem sprinkled with the poison of pornography. Positive memories are now shadowed by traumatic awareness of what he was doing privately with the arrival of the new baby, or the new job or church responsibility, or other aspects of this life together that she had previously viewed in a positive light. He has known all along of his problem, which has developed gradually over the process of time. She learns of it in a sudden, blindingly intense way - creating the experience of shock, trauma, and instantaneous shattering of her perception of this man to whom she has committed her life.

If you find yourself in this situation, what can you do to weather this storm in your marriage?

1. First, recognize that this is not about you. In most cases, exposure to pornography began long before your marriage began (usually between ages 10 and 14.) Men often become addicted to porn before they have significant experience with real women - coloring their expectations and perceptions. Sometimes, porn users will blame their wives for their problem; saying they're not sexually available enough, or they've gained extra baby-weight and aren't attractive, or that he looks at porn when he feels distant from her or criticized by her. Such conditions can contribute to the problem. Most often, he learned years before to deal with frustration and stress by turning to pornography. Even some of the most stunningly beautiful, sexually attractive women in the world have had spouses who struggled outside the marriage with sexual addiction. Truly, this is not about you.

Remember that you are not alone

Thousands of women share your problem - and thousands of men share his. In recent years, many of them have written books, or created programs to help others struggling with these problems. Such resources can help expedite the healing journey, for you and your husband.

educate yourself

Third, educate yourself. Learn more about why internet pornography is so incredibly addictive, and what you can do to defend your family against its destructive influence. Some good books to start with are "Love You, Hate the Porn" by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer, and "Drug of the New Millennium"by Mark B. Kastleman.

recognize that you can never solve his problem

Fourth,recognize that you can never solve his problem. He is in charge of his own recovery - and you are in charge of yours. Checking up on him, buying books for him to read, taking responsibility yourself for his weak moments, and overseeing his treatment and recovery - these will not typically help him recover, and will likely distract you from your own healing work.

don't retaliate, or make it worse by your own misbehavior

Fifth, don't retaliate, or make it worse by your own misbehavior. Some women have dealt with the pain of this situation by developing their own addiction or infidelity problem. Be smart. Follow your conscience, and don't allow his serious mistakes to launch your own.

nourish yourself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually

Sixth, nourish yourself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Take good care of you. Keep doing the things you enjoy. Your family will need your strength as you and your husband navigate this healing journey.

Marriages can recover from this affliction. Men and women caught in this web of pornography can heal, and become stronger than ever. One step at a time, you can find your way through this. "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning" (Prov. 30:5)

—Carrie Maxwell Wrigley, LCSW, is the mother of five children, a singer/songwriter, and a counselor in her private practice (

em,Morning Light Counseling

, in Sandy, Utah, with over 25 years of counseling experience. She maintains an

em,Online Resource Library

of articles, handouts, and other resources on a variety of mental health and family life topics. She has written over 800

em,original songs

and many music programs, and has been married to her husband Steve for over 24 years. Carrie is a popular teacher, lecturer, and performer, and loves using the power of the arts and media to strengthen families, and to give hope and practical skills for managing troubled times.

The post My husband has a porn problem – what do I do now? appeared first on FamilyToday.