"Nothing."

"I had the talk with my parents, but that was it."

"A little bit in health class, but nothing about sex itself."

Does this sound familiar? Most of us enter our sexual relationships tragically unprepared but then have no idea what to do about it. And then, because of the taboo of talking about it openly, too many of us struggle for years, experiencing incredible emotional or physical pain, ending otherwise wonderful relationships and wondering what's wrong with us.

Nothing is wrong with you. You just weren't given the information necessary to succeed. You have gone about feeling like somehow you were just supposed to know all this relationship stuff.

The following five points will help you see you are not only not alone but also capable and deserving of good, solid information and education about sex and intimacy.

1. Just because we have the capacity to have sex, doesn't mean we know how to have sex

This concept became abundantly clear to me when I was trying to breastfeed my first baby. I thought it would just happen naturally because that's what was supposed to happen. Wrong. Breastfeeding was challenging. I needed books and education about the process.

The same goes for sex. Although your body may be mature enough physically to engage sexually, the process is much more complex than that - as anyone who has ever had sex can probably attest to.

Unfortunately, since any sort of talk and/or instruction about adult sexuality is fairly taboo in our culture, too many are left to try and sort this out on their own. If I wouldn't have had some sort of help with and instruction on breastfeeding, I would've given up almost immediately. My body was prepared, but I was not.

What do you know about the process of sex itself? About your body? Your partner's body? What's the difference between desire and arousal? What's contextual relational sex? What's foreplay to you? To your partner? What turns you on? These are questions to explore in your sex education.

2. Sex is a skill to be learned, just like anything else

When you are able to see sex and intimacy as an adult skill to be learned, honed and cultivated, it opens you up to incredible possibilities. You no longer feel like something's wrong with you because this area of your life is challenging but instead feel empowered to do something about it.

Yes, God created our bodies, but that doesn't mean He sent an instruction book along with them (if someone has one, please, please share it!).

Everything we've ever learned about our bodies and how to use them we either learned through trial and error (like walking) or by someone else teaching us (like eating or using the bathroom). Just because sex is usually something we begin learning about as young adults, doesn't mean it doesn't follow the same process.

3. Female sexuality is not male sexuality

Surprise! Women and men are different!

Although that statement seems like an obvious no-brainer, our culture tends to expect women to want and have sex like men. And when a woman doesn't, then something is "wrong" with her and she needs to be "fixed."

If you are a woman or are involved with a woman, take the time to learn the differences in approach, context, the concept of relational sexuality and so on.

Understanding these things will go a long way toward helping you and your partner achieve the type of intimate relationship you hope for.

4. Movies, music videos, lyrics, books and other media teach a distorted image of sex

Since we don't talk about sex, teach about sex or give ourselves and each other permission to actually learn about sex, most of what we learn comes from some sort of media. And the media is always about projecting truth and reality, right? No editing or embellishment there. (Are you catching my sarcasm?)

Sadly, our sex and intimacy education is grievously imbalanced. I can't think of a time - ever - when one of my intimate moments was backlit and airbrushed and had just the right musical score at just the right moment with the right choreography of body movements.

No one in their real lives can compete with or hope to imitate fully what is portrayed on the big or small screen or described on a page.

If you're involved in a relationship with a real human being and you're a real human being yourself, take time to discover what real sex and real intimacy are. It will bring you the satisfaction you are seeking.

5. Sex isn't static for anyone; it's constantly changing throughout our lives

Since the day you were born, your body has been in a constant state of change, and that change continues until you die.

Your 20-year-old body is not the same as your 40-year-old body nor your 60-year-old body.

And yet, we think how we went about sex during the first year of our relationship should be the same after having a baby, developing diabetes, becoming less flexible, losing a job, having a 60-hour work week and so on.

Once we understand we and our bodies change, sex can become richer, more satisfying and more intimate. Sex improves due to increased communication, negotiation and understanding between a couple.

Great sex can continue throughout an entire lifespan. But it must be viewed as a process and skill that requires continued education.

It's never too late ...

You may think this article doesn't apply to you because you've experience too much hurt and pain, or you're too far into your relationship to make changes or you're embarrassed by what you don't know.

Please understand it's never too late to learn something new and gain the happiness you desire.

The post Adults need sex ed too. Here are 5 reasons why. appeared first on FamilyToday.

"Nothing."

"I had the talk with my parents, but that was it."

"A little bit in health class, but nothing about sex itself."

Does this sound familiar? Most of us enter our sexual relationships tragically unprepared but then have no idea what to do about it. And then, because of the taboo of talking about it openly, too many of us struggle for years, experiencing incredible emotional or physical pain, ending otherwise wonderful relationships and wondering what's wrong with us.

Nothing is wrong with you. You just weren't given the information necessary to succeed. You have gone about feeling like somehow you were just supposed to know all this relationship stuff.

The following five points will help you see you are not only not alone but also capable and deserving of good, solid information and education about sex and intimacy.

1. Just because we have the capacity to have sex, doesn't mean we know how to have sex

This concept became abundantly clear to me when I was trying to breastfeed my first baby. I thought it would just happen naturally because that's what was supposed to happen. Wrong. Breastfeeding was challenging. I needed books and education about the process.

The same goes for sex. Although your body may be mature enough physically to engage sexually, the process is much more complex than that - as anyone who has ever had sex can probably attest to.

Unfortunately, since any sort of talk and/or instruction about adult sexuality is fairly taboo in our culture, too many are left to try and sort this out on their own. If I wouldn't have had some sort of help with and instruction on breastfeeding, I would've given up almost immediately. My body was prepared, but I was not.

What do you know about the process of sex itself? About your body? Your partner's body? What's the difference between desire and arousal? What's contextual relational sex? What's foreplay to you? To your partner? What turns you on? These are questions to explore in your sex education.

2. Sex is a skill to be learned, just like anything else

When you are able to see sex and intimacy as an adult skill to be learned, honed and cultivated, it opens you up to incredible possibilities. You no longer feel like something's wrong with you because this area of your life is challenging but instead feel empowered to do something about it.

Yes, God created our bodies, but that doesn't mean He sent an instruction book along with them (if someone has one, please, please share it!).

Everything we've ever learned about our bodies and how to use them we either learned through trial and error (like walking) or by someone else teaching us (like eating or using the bathroom). Just because sex is usually something we begin learning about as young adults, doesn't mean it doesn't follow the same process.

3. Female sexuality is not male sexuality

Surprise! Women and men are different!

Although that statement seems like an obvious no-brainer, our culture tends to expect women to want and have sex like men. And when a woman doesn't, then something is "wrong" with her and she needs to be "fixed."

If you are a woman or are involved with a woman, take the time to learn the differences in approach, context, the concept of relational sexuality and so on.

Understanding these things will go a long way toward helping you and your partner achieve the type of intimate relationship you hope for.

4. Movies, music videos, lyrics, books and other media teach a distorted image of sex

Since we don't talk about sex, teach about sex or give ourselves and each other permission to actually learn about sex, most of what we learn comes from some sort of media. And the media is always about projecting truth and reality, right? No editing or embellishment there. (Are you catching my sarcasm?)

Sadly, our sex and intimacy education is grievously imbalanced. I can't think of a time - ever - when one of my intimate moments was backlit and airbrushed and had just the right musical score at just the right moment with the right choreography of body movements.

No one in their real lives can compete with or hope to imitate fully what is portrayed on the big or small screen or described on a page.

If you're involved in a relationship with a real human being and you're a real human being yourself, take time to discover what real sex and real intimacy are. It will bring you the satisfaction you are seeking.

5. Sex isn't static for anyone; it's constantly changing throughout our lives

Since the day you were born, your body has been in a constant state of change, and that change continues until you die.

Your 20-year-old body is not the same as your 40-year-old body nor your 60-year-old body.

And yet, we think how we went about sex during the first year of our relationship should be the same after having a baby, developing diabetes, becoming less flexible, losing a job, having a 60-hour work week and so on.

Once we understand we and our bodies change, sex can become richer, more satisfying and more intimate. Sex improves due to increased communication, negotiation and understanding between a couple.

Great sex can continue throughout an entire lifespan. But it must be viewed as a process and skill that requires continued education.

It's never too late ...

You may think this article doesn't apply to you because you've experience too much hurt and pain, or you're too far into your relationship to make changes or you're embarrassed by what you don't know.

Please understand it's never too late to learn something new and gain the happiness you desire.

The post Adults need sex ed too. Here are 5 reasons why. appeared first on FamilyToday.

"...and they lived happily ever after" is such a familiar line. Isn't this how most stories and movies end? Sure the couple might have had some barriers to overcome, but once the challenges are resolved, the story ends with the couple finally getting married and stepping into wedded bliss — forever. But is that what really happens? Most couples I know soon realize the "just married" sign hanging off their car was only the beginning of their challenges and not the end.

I believe knowledge is power. The more understanding you have, the better equipped you'll be to handle, together, the ups and downs of your relationship. These five ways couples struggle with intimacy may help you see that your relationship isn't "broken" or "doomed." It just may be in need of some extra attention and care; these points may also help you see that you're not the only couple who struggles:

1. Unrealistic expectations

You know all those movies you watched and books you read? They're not real. The scripts were written, the actors carefully chosen, and just the right music was set to the background to elicit a specific response from the audience. You, on the other hand, are a human being, in a relationship with another human being who isn't being back-lit, handed the perfect script, or is able to neatly wrap things up in a two-hour timeframe. Having unrealistic expectations of your partner or relationship sets you on a collision course to frustration, anger and misunderstanding.

2. Lack of education

We spend years in math and literature classes, but hardly any time in sex-ed or relationship classes. Learning how your body works, how your partner's body works, what actually turns them on and why that's important, what your relationship style is and that of your partner, and then how to go about talking about all of that is crucial. And yet we spend hardly any time learning about any of it, hoping our relationship will just "work" because our initial chemical attraction made us think it will. Any relationship requires work, understanding, curiosity, perspective, and space for yourself and your partner to develop as individuals as well as a couple. Read a book, take a class, listen to a podcast, but make getting educated about sex and intimacy as much of a priority as getting your college degree.

3. No communication

When you were growing up did anyone ever sit down and give you formal lessons on various communication styles as well as how to go about bringing up difficult topics? I have yet to meet someone who received this kind of instruction. Mostly we learned by watching our parents, interacting with our peers, or from movies. You cannot have great sex and intimacy without great communication. Period.

How does someone know what you like if you don't tell them? What if you're making all sorts of assumptions about how your partner feels and they're all wrong because you've never asked and they've never said anything? It's no wonder people walk into my office feeling defeated. If you're grown-up enough to be in an adult relationship, be grown-up enough to learn to talk and listen in a productive, curious, and respectful manner and then you'll have the relationship from the movie.

4. Unsettled past trauma or incorrect messages received about sex and intimacy

If you or your partner have experienced any sort of sexual trauma, shame, or body-shaming, all of that will impact your relationship. Trust is the foundation of intimacy, and the aforementioned things create inherent mistrust which, without proper assistance and education, will continue to fester and build barriers within the relationship. Sadly, many experience at least one of the three mentioned above, so if you're in a relationship, it's probable one of you may have greater challenges than the other. Be kind and loving as you and your partner work through these things together. If you do so, you will create the atmosphere of trust and safety which will allow intimacy to blossom.

5. Expecting their partner to always meet their needs

Usually when we meet "the one" we sometimes know because we suddenly feel complete in ways we hadn't before. We feel no one has ever understood us the way they do and feel parts of ourselves coming back to life we didn't even know were asleep. All of that is wonderful and feels really good. However, the flip-side is that sometimes we begin to see our partner as our saving grace, looking to them to help us feel better about ourselves and our lives, all the time. And when/if they don't give us what we want, that hole in us threatens to reappear and we pout or throw some sort of adult tantrum until our partner comes to our rescue, which, after some time, generally starts to build resentment and dread in our partner. Your spouse is not there to rescue you. Your spouse is choosing to walk through life beside you, as an equal, willing to support you through challenging times, but it's your job to figure out what your needs are and how to get them met in healthy and appropriate ways.

You don't have to struggle forever"�

Although this is a list of how most couples struggle at some point, the good news is patterns can be broken, education can be gained, communication can be enhanced, and you can have the "happily ever after" you so desire. But, it takes more than a pinch of pixie dust, a magic wand, or a click of the heels. It takes honest hard work, dedication to yourself, each other and the relationship, and a certain amount of humility, forgiveness, gratitude and sense of humor as you set about creating the relationship and life you desire.

The post 5 ways couples struggle with sex appeared first on FamilyToday.

Your whole life you wondered whom you'd marry, if you'd even get married or when that dream might come true. Then, in a moment of wonderfulness, you met and fell in love with the person of your dreams. You envisioned a life of excitement, were ecstatic for the future and couldn't imagine your life without him.

And, simultaneously, all that worry and not-knowing quieted down. There was a security in knowing the search was over, the dating game was done and you would never have to go on a blind date again.

This new feeling allowed you to truly be yourselves around each other-no makeup, bed-head, after-gym sweatiness, showing irritation and so on. You've now gotten to see each other, day-to-day, in a variety of situations and have essentially become roommates with benefits. And while this is an absolutely normal and wonderful part of a long-term relationship, if this becomes the norm, it will pretty much kill the reasons you got together in the first place-passion, attraction, excitement.

Take this quiz to see where your relationship lands on the scale between lovers and roommates to discover if a little tweaking might be in order.

1. You can't wait to just go home, change into sweats and watch TV together

After a long day at work or with the kids, there's almost nothing better than getting into comfy clothes and settling in for an hour or two of Netflix. And it's even better if someone's watching with you. However, if this has become your daily norm, you skip sitting by each other and no touching or affection is happening between you two, it's time to re-evaluate your routine.

2. You can't remember the last time you went on an actual date

And I'm talking a real date: a semi-nice restaurant, no kids, not as you're running errands, at least for an hour and something you actually spend time getting ready for. That's a date. Just like the ones you used to go on before you were married. It's absolutely critical to make time for this type of interaction weekly to remind yourselves why you got together in the first place.

3. Sex is basically non-existent and/or you find yourself wondering why it was ever so important

You got together to be lovers not roommates. You could've lived with just about anyone, but you chose your spouse because there was this extra attraction and excitement you didn't feel with anyone else. If you're not having sex and/or feel little to no desire, it's critical to pay attention and make changes. Read books, take classes, get professional help ... Do something because if the reason you got together in the first place goes away, what's left? That's a dangerous place for a relationship to be.

4. You make your own food and eat at separate times

When the craziness of life and schedules creeps in, it's easy to live parallel lives: coming and going, arranging schedules but with little else between you. Lovers will take time, every day, to connect either emotionally or physically or both, even if it's just for 20 minutes. Eating a meal together is a great way to reconnect. And, don't just talk about logistics, talk about each other.

5. You dress up to go out with your girl/guy friends but not for him/her

A girls'/guys' night out is a fun and relaxing way to spend some time occasionally. If, however, you anticipate these nights more than a night with your spouse, you may need to re-evaluate and think about what you're getting out of these outings versus time spent with your spouse. What's missing? Is it the excitement? The energy? And what do you need to do to make a date with your spouse just as great?

6. Your conversations are mostly about scheduling and logistics

As a sex coach and educator, I work with a lot of couples who are good together at parenting, finances, home repair, getting kids where they need to go and so on, but they have lost the skill of intimacy. They've become more like business partners running their family than anything else. Passion and excitement can't exist if these are the types of conversations you're mostly having.

7. You hardly ever go to bed at the same time and/or just fall asleep watching TV

Sex and physical intimacy have a better chance of happening if you're in the same bed, at the time and at a decent hour of the night. If you find yourself avoiding just such a circumstance, I reiterate what I said above: it's time for some soul-searching to figure out why. If it has just become a habit, make efforts to change that habit. The quiet of the evening is a great time to reconnect and cuddle. And, I tell all my clients that a TV in a bedroom in a no-no. It's too distracting.

8. You call him/her your "best friend"

This may surprise many readers, but thinking of your spouse as only your best friend is not conducive to passion. Try describing your spouse as your "lover." Can you do it? Does it feel strange? Have you gotten out of the habit of even thinking of your spouse that way? You can have a million best friends but only one lover.

9. You don't feel the need to impress him/her anymore

It's Saturday night and you've discussed going out for something to eat. Although you've been working in the yard all day or have been to the gym, you decide taking a shower and getting ready would be too much work. And besides, it's just your wife/husband. She/He will understand. Would you have had this attitude when you were dating? Putting some effort and energy into continuing to better yourself physically, intellectually and emotionally creates momentum not only in your own life but also in your relationship.

10. You find yourself jealous of others' relationships or fantasizing about other people

If you're reading an excessive amount of romance novels, going to romantic movies alone or watching other relationships with envy, it could be indicative of a lack of energy within your own relationship. Your relationship can be like the romance novels or the relationships in movies-with some real life thrown in-if you continue to put forth effort and constantly cultivate the lover-aspect of your relationship. It takes work, but the work pays off in wonderfully fantastic ways.

Scoring

Said "yes" to all 10?

You have become roommates. Unless you're both okay with this status, it will be important to take immediate action to make changes.

Said "yes" to three or four?

You're moving into dangerous territory. By recognizing the direction you're headed, you can take steps to re-energize your relationship and bring it back into focus.

Didn't say "yes" to any?

The romantic energy between the two of you is still sizzling. You have found a way to balance the logistics of life and still see each other for the reasons you first got together. Keep it up!

The post Lovers or roommates? Take this quiz to find out why the difference matters. appeared first on FamilyToday.

Yes, a woman is the author of this article.

Some may wonder how I could possibly write about what men hope to get out of their intimate relationships being female. As a Sex and Intimacy Coach/Educator I work with a lot of women and men seeking to improve their relationships. Many sit across from me expressing their dreams, hopes, frustrations and pain. For a lot of men it's the first time they've been able to talk about these things in an open and honest way without feeling criticized or defensive.

What I hear men telling me isn't exactly what people may think. They're thoughtful, concerned, desiring vulnerability and connection, and genuinely interested in their partner. So, on behalf of the wonderful men with whom I've worked, I hope they won't mind if I share a few things they wished their women knew.

1. He's more than a raging sex-monster

Most of us tend to think that any male over the age of 16 is walking around barely managing to control themselves and their raging desires. Not true. While, yes, their hormones are increasing and testosterone is linked to sex drive, most men are able to hold jobs, go to school, hang out with friends, eat at a restaurant, go to a ball game, and so on, without transforming into some sort of slobbering I-can-only-think-about-sex monster. Men are human beings capable of experiencing a range of emotions and feelings and if you're only viewing him as only thinking about "one thing" you're missing out on every other great thing about him.

2. He's a man of action

A man's brain is wired for action and physical activity — especially during stressful times, according to Dr. Caroline Leaf.

Men tend to seek a physical way to vent his worries, excitement, and tension through "doing something." If your partner is suddenly more interested than usual in sex, find out what's happening in his life instead of just assuming he has suddenly transformed into some one-track-mind caveman.

Keep in mind, sex feels pretty great to most men, happens fairly easily due to biological design, and is a way to relieve tension and relax. If you knew of an activity that provided all these great benefits, wouldn't you look for opportunities to participate in it? And what if this activity also provided you a way to connect with the person you love the most? That's a total bonus and an experience you would probably seek out often.

3. He doesn't want you to do it out of "duty"

Contrary to popular belief, men aren't stupid. Moreover, he can tell when you're there with him out of some sort obligation or only doing it to make him happy. Of course there are times when being intimate with your spouse to make him happy is acceptable, but if this is the norm, it's an aspect of your sexual relationship that needs attention. After a time, duty sex becomes less-than satisfying for him because he ends up feeling like he just used someone he loves. I've heard several men say they would rather not have sex then continue like that.

If desire or libido is an issue for you, there are classes, books, and strategies for learning about and taking ownership over this part of your sexual experience. He would rather you be a willing and enthusiastic partner then just another "checked box" on your to-do list.

4. He doesn't just want intercourse, he wants affection

In the beginning stages of a new marriage sex itself generally becomes the focus for awhile. Once the couple begins settling into a routine and life, we sometimes forget about all the daily opportunities we have to connect, physically and emotionally, beyond just the bedroom through hugs and little touches.

I've heard many women complain that their man only seems interested in sex and/or if they initiate any touch at all that their spouse thinks it means they want to get "right to sex." When I ask them if they're taking advantage of other times to be affectionate, many couples say they're not. This is due to a myriad of reasons — kids, jobs, sleep schedules.

When we relegate touch and affection to just the bedroom, it's akin to spending the week in a desert, being offered a glass of water, and then being told to just take a sip. It's difficult to not want more. By making a concerted effort to increase touch and affection throughout the week, many couples find a greater sense of connection, feel less tension, and enjoy a greater feeling of mutual satisfaction.

5. Your body is like a foreign language — and he needs you to help him learn it

If you were asked to fly an airplane, would you know what to do? Which lever would you push? What do all the buttons mean? And yet, a lot of women expect their men to know how to interact with their body and "give" them the experience they're hoping for. By having this expectation, women are essentially setting their partner up for failure and feelings of inadequacy.

Men tell me all the time their greatest desire is to please their partner and to know she's getting as much out of their intimate life as he is. To do that, he actually needs you to tell him what you like, don't like, and want more of. Of course there are books he could read and classes he could take, but there isn't a class out there detailing the specifics of your unique body, needs and wants. So, give the guy a little help, don't expect him to read your mind, and just tell him. I know it seems simplistic, but it's amazing how far a little communication will go. You'll both be glad you did.

In conclusion, recognize you're married to an evolved human man and not some raging sex-fiend

While there are a few men out there who fit that description, they are usually the exception and not the rule. And those are the men who aren't generally looking for long-term relationships anyway. The man you've chosen is a complex man with feelings and hopes just like yours and is anxious to do what he can to improve your relationship.

The post 5 truths about men and sex that will change your relationship appeared first on FamilyToday.

Talking to kids about sex is one of the most anxiety-producing things for a parent. Most parents would rather have a root canal than this conversation. And although it's something most parents know they "should" do, it definitely isn't on the list of things they "want" to do.

However, teaching kids about their bodies and sexuality is occurring all the time. If you think that one conversation is all they're learning about sexual health from you, you're mistaken. Here are five things you're teaching them daily:

1. Body image

This applies to boys as well as girls. Since the time they were young they have listened to you talk about your own body, the bodies of others and probably theirs. All of this talk can eventually translate into how they feel about themselves as they enter puberty or a sexual relationship. Are they focused on certain parts of their body? How do they feel about nudity? Clothing choices? Do you only compliment your little girl on her "cute little legs" and your boy on his "strong muscles?" Directly or indirectly, you're teaching them how to think and feel about their bodies from the very beginning.

2. Names of body parts

Anyone who has ever been a parent of a young child knows how much they love putting their bodies on display. Children are inherently curious about their bodies. A favorite childhood song involves "head, shoulders, knees and toes", and kids love singing it. But what about other parts? Often parents are reluctant to use the correct names for penis, vulva, vagina, scrotum and so on. This often speaks to our own discomfort since our kids are born not being uncomfortable at all with their own bodies.

Research shows that using proper names can help give children a sense of empowerment over their own bodies. As a Sex Educator, I have found many adults don't know the names of their own genitalia, which makes it difficult to teach their children. Take a moment to familiarize yourself with your own body, practice saying the words, and then use them with your children. They'll become as normal as "ear" and "elbow", which is a good thing.

3. Whether some questions are "OK" and others are not

I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes when my teenage daughter casually approached and asked a question about masturbation. Although I'm a Sex Educator, the question still threw me. I am also a Mom and couldn't believe what she was hearing at school. In that brief hesitation she said, "Don't worry about it. If you don't want to talk about it, I'll just look it up." I immediately put down the dishes and answered her question. Our kids look to us for guidance, love and information. As uncomfortable and some questions may be, would you rather they ask you or someone else?

In the age of instant information, looking up questions about sex on the Internet may lead them to places you don't want them to go. Creating an atmosphere of ongoing dialogue about sex, bodies, puberty, relationships, consent, hygiene and so on is crucial. Sometimes parents are under the impression that just because they had "the talk" when their child was eight that somehow that was sufficient. It would be akin to talking to them about how a savings account works, once, at age eight, and then thinking they never needed to talk to you about money again.

4. Your physical interaction with them and your spouse

Since they were babies, you have interacted with them through a variety of touch. Through your example, you've taught them about appropriate touch - hand holding, cuddling, hugging and so on - and inappropriate touch - hitting, biting, kicking and so on. This was the beginning of learning boundaries for themselves and others. They learned how to feel safe with themselves and with others. They learned that getting their back tickled felt good and relaxing. Children need continued touch to feel loved and cared for - the need for touch is part of what makes us all human. Sometimes, once children go through puberty, parents will stop hugging and touching their older children. Sadly, this is a time when kids need it more than ever. Anyone who has been a teenager knows it can be a lonely and confusing time. Making a concerted effort to give your child a hug, a nice pat on the back or other touch continues to help them feel safe in their own bodies.

Additionally, the interaction you have with your partner teaches them about adult relationships. How to, again, touch appropriately. How to have and create boundaries for themselves. And how to better manage, in a healthy way, their own growing desires for intimate touch. When they see you sitting on the couch together or giving each other a kiss upon seeing each other, you are teaching them how to engage with another human being on a romantic level. The media paint such a distorted image of what this is, and it's more important than ever for them to see an everyday regular relationship.

5. If you're afraid, they'll know it

Children are amazingly perceptive. They pick up on just about everything happening around them even if they don't have the verbal skills to articulate what they are experiencing. It's important to do a little soul-searching and decide if your sexual foundation is fear/shame-based or educational and love-based? This will inform how you go about teaching your children - or not teaching them. Moreover, it will create the basis for how they view their own sexuality. If Mom and Dad are afraid to even talk to me about it and if they keep it a secret then how am I supposed to feel about it? And why, if it's so bad, do movies and music teach me otherwise?

As parents, we walk a fine line between teaching our children values and traditions around things that are important to us, while creating space for them to explore their world and have their own experiences. What kind of relationship do you hope they have one day? If you truly desire they have a loving and satisfying one, creating a sense of hope, empowerment, and confidence within them will help make that more of a possibility. However, it requires us to look inside ourselves, discover our own fears, confront them and then move beyond them for the sake of our children.

This is happening, folks..

You're teaching your kids about sex and sexual health whether you deliberately are trying to or not. Taking a moment to reflect on what your hopes are for your children and how your own attitudes, fears, incorrect teaching as a child or shame may be affecting your interaction with your children in this area is key to raising sexually healthy children.

The post 5 ways you’re teaching your child about sex and don’t know it appeared first on FamilyToday.

Intimacy in marriage is often left undiscussed, or is nervously joked about, "Oh, we never have sex, but who does?" Many couples will experience at least one prolonged period of time in which physical intimacy is not part of the equation. Perhaps it's due to a difficult pregnancy or postpartum recovery, time apart caused by work schedules, other health concerns, or general marital discord. Whatever the cause, once a couple has resolved the issue, it's not always easy to just pick back up where you left off. In fact, it can feel more awkward than the first time you had sex with each other because this area of your marriage may be difficult to talk.

So, how do you cross the chasm between you and begin again? Here are a few ideas I share with my clients:

1. Acknowledge the awkwardness

This means you need to talk about it, as openly as possible. The proverbial elephant in the room isn't going to go away, so you might as well acknowledge it's there. Here are some suggestions to do just that:

• Talk about what it has been like to be without physical intimacy, why you would like it again, and what aspects about it you enjoy.

• Discuss whatever apprehension you might be feeling such as possible pain, body image issues, fears of repeating negative patterns and so on.

• Be a curious listener and really give your partner space to share their feelings and experiences regarding sex.

• Keep the conversation as positive as possible and keep in mind you are trying to move forward.

• Stick to the topic and keep it short.You don't have to discuss everything in one conversation.

If you need more guidance in having these kinds of conversations there are loads of books,classes, workshops, and couples' counseling to assist you.

2. Schedule it

Before you call me completely unromantic, finish reading this section. Initiation any kind of physical intimacy can be extremely intimidating if there is a history of rejection or if it's unclear one partner is physically and emotionally ready. Often, the anxiety around initiating sex can be so high that the individuals involved would rather keep living without it than experience the pain of being told, "No," again and again.

Scheduling a time for sex takes initiation off the table. For example, let's say Kim and Mark have decided they are going to be intimate Saturday morning. This means that starting Thursday each of them would begin to mentally and emotionally prepare. Perhaps the flirting goes up, which will only heighten anticipation. Maybe they each make sure they're showered and their schedules are cleared to allow for a relaxing morning. By setting aside a time, you actually improve your chances of success.

3. Go slowly

As anxious as you may be to get back to sex, remember to take the time necessary to ensure both of you feel as good and positive as possible. Think back to when you were dating. Maybe you enjoyed a good foot rub, or neck massage. Maybe you loved gazing into one another's eyes while holding hands. There was time for kissing and cuddling. All those things can and should be brought into this experience again.

If you've scheduled your time, there should be no rush. By allowing each other the space needed to feel comfortable, stopping and talking about concerns if needed, and making real connection-mental, emotional, spiritual and physical-your goal of creating a long-lasting and mutually satisfying sex life is more possible than if you just got right to sex itself without a lot of thought.

4. Create an atmosphere

Physical intimacy is sensory at its most basic level. It is sight, sound, touch, taste and smell. Is your room clean? Are you clean? Did you check your breath? Have some mints or mouthwash handy. Also, adding a bit of her favorite cologne or his favorite perfume will help remind you of good times together.

Research has shown time after time the power music has over our moods. Put on some music you both like. Turn down the lighting and/or light a few candles to create a romantic climate. Again, married couples can get lazy and forget how important some of these very simple things are to experiencing a great time together.

5. Sex isn't the only form of physical intimacy

Couples who have experienced a period without sex or otherwise often experience an overall lack of affection itself. It's important to acknowledge this and look for ways to improve. I've had many women in my office complaining that if they even touch their partners that it's automatically intrepretated that they want to have sex because it has been so long.

Both men and women enjoy touch - a welcome home hug after work, cuddling on the couch, holding hands when walking into a restaurant. If the only time you're being affectionate is in the bedroom the likelihood of maintaining a prolonged and mutually satisfying sexual relationship goes down. Look for ways to engage with each other outside the bedroom and you'll be more satisfied within it.

Breathe easy, this is normal

Many couples I see just want to know if they're "normal." But what is normal? Normal is what works for you and your relationship. Normal is having to negotiate the ups and downs of marriage including health concerns, pregnancies, and so on. Not to be a downer, but there will probably be very few times in which you're totally in sync as a couple sexually. The "norm" is to have to work together to find solutions and compromises. To find things that work for you and your relationship. Working together on challenges serves to strengthen your overall relationship. And the next time you experience something difficult, because you will, you can look back and realize you don't need to panic because you've already learned how to weather difficult times.

At the same time, sex is a wonderful and awful part of marriage. It can be the cause of pleasure and happiness and the cause of the greatest pain and heartache. Being in a relationship is not for the faint of heart, but it will cause the greatest growth. I encourage you all to carry on the best way you can.

The post 5 things to do if you haven’t been intimate in a long time appeared first on FamilyToday.

Business 101: Every successful business or organization has a mission statement. If you don't know where you are going or what you want, how do you know which direction to go or when you've arrived? How do you know whether you're on course or completely off the map?

Your marriage, the most important partnership of your life, needs a mission statement. Soon, you'll wonder how you ever got along without one.

Let's get started:

1. Look at actual mission statements of successful companies

This will be helpful to give you an idea of what you're trying to accomplish. The really good ones are somewhat short - maybe a paragraph or two - and have specific objectives. As you're researching, jot down ideas, words and concepts you'd like to include in your mission statement. Remember, this is an exercise for both you and your spouse, so there needs to be room for both of your ideas and words without judgment or criticism.

2. Define your relationship

Who are you as a couple? What do you stand for? What are you trying to accomplish? What are your core values? You may be surprised to find areas in which you assumed you were in agreement but discover you're not. Furthermore, these areas may be sources of tension in your marriage - both partners wanting to move in different directions. Actually defining your relationship is a great way to practice your listening skills as you discover ways to incorporate both partners' ideas.

3. Start writing

The writing portion will probably take several attempts. Your first attempt will probably be wordy and long. That's OK. An important rule, since you're writing as a couple, is that no one gets to cross out anything the other wrote. Both partners will be putting down thoughts that are important, and those thoughts should be treated as such. Don't worry about grammar, spelling or punctuation at this point.

4. Let the negotiation begin, and keep the language positive

Once you have a working paragraph or two, start analyzing your content, and arrange sentences as needed. Are any statements too vague or too specific? Is it repetitive? Rework any negative statements to read in a positive light. You want your mission statement to be energizing and productive - not critical. Slowly work your statement down to a manageable size, and sit with it for a few days or weeks. Does it feel right? Does it reflect your relationship and what you're trying to accomplish? Are both partners represented?

5. Allow for change

As companies grow through different experiences, sometimes mission statement needs to be reevaluated. Visiting the document annually is a great way to make sure you are on track as you add/delete ideas. One couple with whom I've worked, teetering on the edge of divorce, decided they would create a mission statement for just one year. Their one-year mission statement was a little more specific than most because, at that time, one year was the longest period of time they could commit to their relationship. It worked beautifully for them, and they have since created a five-year statement.

6. Set goals

As a product of your new mission statement, set clear and attainable goals, and hang them somewhere noticeable. Do you and your spouse need to have a set date night each week? Are you saving up funds for something specific? Your goals should reflect your mission statement, and they should be a fun and positive way to continue to strengthen your relationship. Write or type out your goals, taking special care to make them look nice so you can hang them somewhere where both you and your spouse will see them and be able to reflect on them often. If something about this process becomes bothersome or annoying, that's a sign something is not quite right and your goals should be revisited.

Ahhh "� That feels good

Couples with whom I've worked talk about how relieving it is to finally feel they are on the "same page," heading the same direction. They love having their statements somewhere they can see them - with their goals right underneath. Partners no longer feel the need to "nag" all the time, and, when a partner doesn't do his or her part, he or she need not feel criticized because there already exists a mutual understanding - an agreement between partners to refer to. This document becomes a third-party buffer and serves to open up conversation without hurting feelings.

As marriage becomes more about partnership and negotiation, a mission statement will strengthen it, providing greater clarity and enhancing feelings of intimacy between husbands and wives.

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Have her pick the restaurant

All of us begin eating before we learn what we like and don't like. Additionally, our taste buds mature as we age and we may discover foods once ignored have now become favorites. It takes time and experience to even begin to know what we like, let alone to be able to say it. Due to life experiences we may feel uncertain or even selfish when making choices for ourselves. That said, before you even go to dinner, have your spouse choose the location because you'll learn a lot. Can she even pick a restaurant? Does she only pick restaurants she knows you like? Make sure she knows you only want to go to a restaurant of her choosing - and then be a willing partner.

How does that play out in your physical relationship? Does one of you find it difficult to express what you're comfortable with and what you're not? What you like and what you don't? Sometimes we're so concerned about the experience of our partner that we forget about our own needs or maybe feel "selfish" discussing them. However, in a loving, mutually satisfying relationship, both individuals would want the other to feel like their wants and needs are able to be discussed and considered valid.

Pay attention to how she orders

Does she look over the entire menu or does she know exactly what she wants? Would she like to start with an appetizer or some kind of fruity drink? Does she get distracted by talking about the kids, bills, or calendar items? Notice how the server understands this process and doesn't offer entrees or desserts first, but allows time to get settled and comfortable before moving forward.

Sex is more satisfying when our brains can shut off the cares and worries of the day and just be in the moment. For many individuals - women especially - this is a challenge. By taking time to talk for a few moments to clear the day away and then allow for some meaningful interaction - which is not two minutes of quick kisses and moving on - both of you can be more fully connected emotionally and physically.

Watch how she eats

Eating is a physical activity - as is sex. Does she eat slowly? Does she eat a few bites and then want to talk with you - looking to connect emotionally? How does she show you she's enjoying her food? Does she talk about how it smells? Looks? Tastes? Are you usually so into your food that you hardly notice her? If she notices you watching her, does that make her self-conscious? What could you say to help her with that? Does she try and eat quickly so you aren't having to wait for her?

Satisfying sex and intimacy involves both physical pleasure and, for many, emotional connection. But speaking purely physically, look around your usual location for sex. Is it messy? How does it smell? How's your breath? Smell is one of our most powerful senses and a bad one can quickly turn us off.

A good meal involves hands, mouth, teeth, nose, eyes, and so on. Physical intimacy also involves all senses and more areas of the body then just a couple. Review your pattern and see where you may have become too routine, too concerned about yourself, or too quick to discount the power of the inside of the elbow or the area behind the ears.

What caused the dinner to go well or poorly?

How was the conversation? How was the service? How was the atmosphere? Did she like her meal? Does she want to return? Did you like it? If you didn't and she did, how do you compromise? Or, do you? Would she want to go there every time? Sometimes we find something we like and then we repeat it ad nauseam until we hate it. There are a variety of restaurants for a reason. If she absolutely hated the restaurant, would you pout if she didn't want to go there all the time? What if she went there occasionally, knowing it was mostly for you but still actively choosing to participate, would that be OK?

Keeping track of what your partner likes and doesn't like during intimacy, and respecting that by not berating, belittling, judging or pouting is important. However, it's equally important that you communicate your likes and dislikes as well, and your partner responds in kind. Just because one of you absolutely loves a certain type of intimacy, doesn't mean the other will. How are you going to compromise? What is more important, the kind of sex you are having or the overall relationship? Intimacy is either viewed as an important and integral part of the relationship, and is treated as such, or as an itch to scratch. Think, mindless eating versus meaningful.

I'll bet you never realized how much you could learn about your partner through food. Take this comparison and run with it and see just how many new things you learn about yourself, your partner and your sexual relationship.

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Somehow, in the midst of all the preparations, this very important topic gets pushed aside in favor of the party decorations. Or it gets joked about with sly winks and nods at bridal showers and bachelor parties. However, it is this very subject that can often make or break a relationship, and the honeymoon is far too often the time when the pattern for the sexual relationship becomes set. Moreover, I see many couples who are still trying to heal from the hurt and miscommunication experienced during this time, and wish they could do it all so differently, hoping their children won't get caught in the same cycle. So it's time to realize that if you're big enough to get married, you're big enough to talk about sex.

Here are four ideas to consider as you start thinking beyond your wedding and into the future:

You can go on a honeymoon without having sex

I know this idea goes contrary to historical and cultural expectations, but please keep reading. If you've decided to wait to be intimate until you've actually said, "I do,"� then there are more important things than just jumping straight to sex - namely trust and communication. Just because you now have permission to be naked with each other doesn't mean you have to be. No one needs to know and no one should ask. I encourage newly-married couples to continue developing their relationships along natural timetables. Slowly incorporate new areas of the body and new ideas and don't be afraid to talk about them. This will allow you to build a foundation of trust and true and lasting intimacy which will help create the kind of relationship depicted in all those wedding magazines. And, if you're going someplace fantastic for your first trip together, you may actually get to see some of the sights.

Sex and intimacy don't magically happen

Unfortunately, our 21st century technology hasn't brought us some sort of universal download regarding sex and how to go about it upon getting married. It actually fits into the same category as swimming lessons, learning to ride a bike or baking bread. It's a skill and requires time and effort to learn. I know that doesn't sound very romantic, but I promise if you view it as such, make time to learn and practice and allow for some spectacular fails without thinking you or your partner are "bad"� at sex, you can then have all the romance you want. Up to this point in your life you've been learning things on an individual level. Sex is different because it's something you learn as a couple, making it a bit more challenging but also more rewarding. Read books, take classes and, above all, talk openly about it with each other so you can enjoy this learning experience together.

Keep expectations realistic

Hollywood really hurts couples regarding what they "think"� sex "should"� be like versus the reality. Again, remember that you are actual human beings and not edited, well-lit, flawlessly made-up characters on a big screen. Real intimacy can be awkward, messy, humorous, and full of sights and sounds you've probably not experienced before. You may trip as you're trying so hard to walk alluringly to bed. He may get his ring caught in your hair. Whatever it is, it's yours. This is your experience and your relationship with another individual also probably feeling as awkward, excited, curious and frightened as you are. You can't expect your partner to know what you like or what to do. Or to know your body better than you do. The expectation is that both people will be able to express fears, doubts, desires and wants in a clear and understanding way so that both involved feel safe and cared for. Beyond that, keep Hollywood out of the equation.

Even if neither of you has previously had sex, you still have sexual history

Everything you learned, saw, heard or experienced growing up regarding touch, intimacy and sex you are bringing with you into this new relationship. How you view your own body. What you were told was right and wrong. And, of course, any trauma you may have endured will all be part of forming your attitudes and expectations of your present sexual relationship. This is something you need to talk about.

In our book, we help couples navigate this conversation because it can sometimes be tricky for those just starting out, but it's such an important conversation to have. No topic should be off-limits and try to be as honest as possible. One man with whom I worked said his wife never let him see her legs and always kept them covered with long socks, although she let him see other parts of her body. He thought it was because she was cold. Later he found out her father had often teased her about her "stork legs"� and she was embarrassed by them. He felt sad for all the years she had carried that thought around and told her her legs were one of features he was most attracted to. He wished they had talked about that sooner.

Your wedding day is important, but it's the actual relationship that counts

As you are planning for your big day, don't let all the little things get in the way of setting the stage for a meaningful, mutually satisfying and happy marriage - of which sex and intimacy are a major part. Don't let anyone else define what your physical relationship "should"� be like and what you should or should not include. Take your time. Talk. Laugh. Have fun. Make mistakes. Forgive. Learn. Let your honeymoon be a happy memory from which you build your intimate life.

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