This article was originally published on Relate Institute, but has been republished here with permission.

It's a conflict that comes up in almost every relationship that has managed to last for a year or two (or maybe even just a few months).

It causes tension, fights, and hurt feelings. Often both partners feel misunderstood and frustrated. Regardless of their satisfaction level, most couples will eventually have some conflict regarding sex. Research shows that one of the most common fights couples have centers around sexual frequency or how often the couple is engaging in sexual intimacy. Stereotypically this involves a male partner seeking higher frequency than his female counterpart but this is not always the case. Regardless, unmet expectations in the bedroom can trickle over and cause communication problems, a lack of emotional connection, and general instability in the relationship. So how do you counter such negativity? What is the right amount of sex? Here are some general thoughts to help make sure this issue doesn't undermine the other parts of your relationship.

How much sex should a couple have?

The right answer to this question is that there is no "right amount." Every couple is different and, more importantly, every person encounters changing life circumstances due to illness, careers, and children (among many other things) that will interact with sexual desire and availability. There may be times in a couple's life where having sex every day would be perfectly possible while at other times it would be a logistical impossibility. Research shows that an "average" couple generally has sex about 2-3 times per week. However, if you're worried that you're under this average I would encourage you to think about your intimacy over the course of several weeks or even several months. Again, every couple will have good and bad weeks in terms of intimacy frequency and there is no magic number that couples need to hit to be "healthy".

How do you avoid negative conflict about sexual intimacy?

For the partner wanting more:

Understand intimacy is a two-way street. Sex obviously involves two people. It is very clear from research that sex is more fulfilling, enjoyable, and satisfying if both partners have a desire for that intimacy. If you are the partner who wants to have sex more regularly, realize that having sex every day may not be the enjoyable experience you think it will be if your partner's desire does not match your own. Be okay with delaying intimacy if your partner isn't in the mood and avoid taking this as a personal rejection.

For the partner wanting less:

Understand that your partner is likely seeking connection, not physical gratification. Often the person who wants less sex views their partner as sex crazed and overly focused on the physical element of the relationship. It can feel like this is all your partner cares about. It is important for the person desiring less sex to realize that attempts to engage in sex are one of the best signs of a healthy relationship and are often coming from a desire for both physical and emotional connection. In our modern world there are plenty of places that people can turn to (online or otherwise) if they are only seeking personal gratification. Your partner's attempts to be intimate are likely coming from a loving place and a desire to be intimate with you. Treat such attempts as such and be careful about how your reaction might be overly negative or feel rejecting to your partner.

For both partners:

Talk about the taboo. Even among married couples who have been sexually intimate for many years, sex can be a taboo topic. In order to engage in healthy communication it is vital that such couples bring issues related to sex out in the open. If one partner wants to become intimate and the other doesn't, talk about a "rain check" and have the partner who isn't in the mood explain clearly why. While it may not sound romantic, scheduling intimacy can be a very practical and useful thing for many couples (especially those with children). Schedule that rain check for the next day and then spend the day flirting and teasing each other. Make it something you both look forward too. Another option may be to take turns being in "charge" of planning and initiating intimacy. Above all else, talk about intimacy and sex.

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Dating can be a frustrating experience, especially once you've decided it's time to start shopping for that one and only (or you're at least open to the idea). You might spend months or even years nurturing a relationship with someone you've already picked out baby names with only to have everything come to a screeching halt and feel like you've wasted the last months or years of your life. And suddenly you're back to square one, trying to find another potential Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. Luckily, relationship research can give you some insight into what things you can look out for that might save you time, energy and emotional baggage down the line. Here are some things to look for when you're dating and trying to find "the one".

Red Flags (a.k.a. things that you should be aware of but aren't worth ending a relationship over)

Family issues:

Dating partners that have a history of family turmoil (such as divorce, high conflict, etc.) are more likely to have similar issues in their own relationships. No, this does not mean you should never date someone who had divorced parents. But if you find a dating partner who tells you all about how "crazy" their family is, you might want to start paying closer attention to if that "crazy" got passed down. There's a difference between someone who doesn't realize they act the same way their "crazy" family does, and someone who's aware of it and working to change it in themselves.

Bad history

Similarity, people who have had a troubled relationship history are also sometimes at risk for repeated relationship problems in the future. If a dating partner tells you about the string of "losers" they have dated or all the previous partners that have been horrible to them, that might suggest some relationship deficiencies with your partner. After all, the only thing all those "losers" had in common was dating your partner.

Communication issues:

Pay close attention during the first few dates to how your partner is both talking and listening to you. While you might not be far enough into the relationship to have a "fight", if your date isn't paying attention to you talk about how cute your kittens are, they probably won't care about your deeper emotions and thoughts down the road either.

Deal Breakers (a.k.a. probably time to move on)

Unresolved mental health issues:

This is pretty simple. People with current and on-going mental health issues make bad dating and romantic partners. If someone is in the middle of struggling with depression, anxiety, or any other mental health disorder, they don't need you to start dating them to fix them or help them along. At least not as a romantic partner. (Keep in mind this is not the same thing as someone who struggled with mental health in the past or a current marital partner who develops mental health concerns).

Differing world views and values:

This one is a common trap for many couples. I am not talking here about your taste in movies, ice cream, or underwear. I'm talking about the big stuff. Religion, children, gender roles, finances, etc. While it may seem like these differences can be overcome (can't we all just get along?), many couples find out down the road that it's much easier to get along with a friend or acquaintance who differs from you than someone you're living with every day. These differences can become major stumbling blocks for couples, particularly after they transition to parenthood.

Abuse

Is your dating partner physically, verbally, or sexually abusing you? Leave and don't look back.

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Starting a new relationship can be hard. We wouldn't be in the relationship if we didn't think it would make us happy, right? Once you are in the relationship though, how do you stay happy? Read on for some new research on four habits to keep your new relationship healthy for years to come or your old relationship thriving and rejuvenated.

Jeanne Flora of New Mexico State University and Chris Segrin of the University of Arizona studied how to develop satisfying relationships. They found four things that the most satisfied couples are doing in their relationships. How are you doing? Where could you improve?

Faster and Deeper

The happiest couples are moving through relationships faster and deeper. This means they are experiencing things like becoming "official" and "exclusive" faster, as well as feelings of really knowing their partner and being open with them. This doesn't mean they were engaged within a few weeks but speaks more to couples becoming dissatisfied if they feel like their relationship is stuck in neutral.

If you start moving slow or feel like your relationship is stuck, you may start to notice what is not happening in your relationship, and you may start to question if there is something holding you or your partner back. How can you move "faster" in your relationship? Talk to your partner about your desires for the relationship now and in the future.

More We-ness, Less Separateness

Happy couples think more about "we" than "me." In other words, they tend to think about their decisions, goals, and desires with the relationship in mind rather than themselves without their partner. One key for this step, however, is that each individual will have a different level of desired "we-ness." Fortunately, if you think there is enough "we-ness" in your relationship, then you will be happier, whether or not it is the same level of "we-ness" as another couple.

Realistic Expectations

When starting a new relationship, having realistic expectations about contact with your partner is important. Being disappointed with what happens in your relationship is not going to help you stay happy. If you expect to spend every minute together, you might be disappointed. If you expect to never see your partner, you have no hope for the relationship. If you expect to see your partner every day, even if just for a few minutes some days, you are more likely to be satisfied with the time you have together. The key is to have hope for a good relationship, but to set goals that you know can be realistically fulfilled.

Glorify the Struggle

Every relationship will meet an obstacle or a bump eventually. These may turn out to be great opportunities for growth, though. Couples who remember the hard times and learn from them are able to look back at how the relationship has improved. These couples are also happier than the couples who try to ignore the bumps or the couples who think one small obstacle is a sign of a doomed relationship. So, be grateful for the hard times, and keep growing together.

This article was originally published on Relate Institute. It has been republished here with permission.

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When you ask just about any couple for advice about how to succeed in marriage, their first response is usually,"It's all about communication. You can't expect your partner to read your mind!"

While this advice is fine-I mean, it's definitely not going to hurt your marriage-research has shown in the past few decades that it also misses the boat. By a long shot.

A recent study showed that couples' marital satisfaction after attending a 15 hour workshop where they worked on their communication and love "skills" returned to the same satisfaction level it had been before they attended the workshop after only a short amount of time. This could be disheartening to read. If communication isn't helping my marriage, then what else is left to try?

Well, Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight and developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, has a possible answer to our distress. She has dedicated her life to discovering why we respond the way we do to our partners.

The field has known for a while that skills training isn't as long-lasting as the professionals like to claim, so she has been on a mission to find out what can be long-lasting and healing for a relationship. What she has discovered is that what creates safe, intimate, rewarding relationships is connection, not communication.

Developing a true connection is something not a lot of couples experience naturally because A LOT of vulnerability, risk, and understanding of our own emotions before we can share with our partner. This sharing of our deepest fears and insecurities with each other, however, becomes the glue that holds our relationship together through the hard times to come. As Sue has worked with couples over the last 25 years or so, she has recognized a pattern that has changed the practice of couples therapy forever.

The pattern for many couples typically goes like this*:

We Want Connection

We start a relationship and we both want connection. We both crave acceptance, love, happiness, joy, peace, fulfillment-all of what we entered the relationship hoping for, right?

We Become Afraid

Somewhere along the line, our fears start getting in the way of these relationship goals (without us even knowing it"¦they were probably patterns we learned from our parents or some other previous relationships).

We Pursue

One of us becomes a "pursuer" in the relationship. We chase after our partner emotionally (initiating conversations constantly, wanting to solve problems in the relationship even when our partner doesn't, calling and texting more frequently, etc.) because we need to know we matter to them. We need to know that we are their top priority and that they love us. We crave acceptance.

We Withdraw

As we pursue, our partner becomes a "withdrawer" in the relationship. They also want to connect with us, but they become overwhelmed by our emotions and feel that they can never give enough because their "pursuing" partner always wants more from them. To keep the peace in the relationship and to self-soothe, they physically and emotionally withdraw from fights (leave the room, go for a walk, go for a drive, etc.) so they won't blow up. They don't know how to be enough for the pursuing partner, so they just withdraw to protect themselves from the intense feelings of inadequacy they're faced with every time they can't give their "pursuing" partner what they need.

We Miss Each Other

In our relationships, we become stuck in this difficult dance, and all we see is that one of us is "emotionally disengaged" and the other is "abandoned" and "left totally alone" in this relationship. All we see is the slammed door in our face or the yelling spouse trying to get us to engage with them in something we don't know how to engage in. We are hopelessly lost and confused and missing each other emotionally at every turn, even though we communicate what we think we need to each other (i.e. "Help with the housework", "Time to unwind after work", "A hug and a kiss before bed", "More listening, less fixing", etc.)

We Don't See the Real Issues

What we don't see is that the partner who's "alone" in the relationship really just needs to see and hear that they are their spouse's first priority because they are scared to death that they come second to something in their partner's life, which might mean they don't matter or they're not loveable. They have to chase after their partner emotionally to make sure they still have some value. What we don't see is that the partner who's "disengaged" is completely terrified of disappointing their spouse one more time by not responding correctly or with enough emotion, so they're protecting themselves and the relationship by retreating. They have to keep their distance if they don't want this thing to go south even faster.

We all crave connection. But this connection can't happen until we can get below the level of anger and blame towards our partners andconnect with and own our deeper fears and relationship needs. We can't connect until we recognize that so much of the way we behave in a relationship is driven by emotions and fears we don't even know how to access yet.

So, I guess communication has its place. You wouldn't be able to share these fears and needs with your partner (once you recognize them) if you didn't know how to look them in the eye and learn how to listen intently. But "communication skills" don't help you hear and respond to your partner's real emotional fears and wounds and vice versa. That's what love is all about. Turning towards and responding to each other when you need emotional support on the most intimate and painful level. A.K.A. Connection.

*There are other relationship patterns that sometimes develop, too, but this Pursue-Withdraw pattern is far and away the most common. What can sometimes happen in longer relationships is the pursuer gets "burnt out" and turns into a withdrawer as well. Then the couple just avoids conflict altogether because the pursuer is tired of feeling rejected. This is a dangerous place to be because it means there is less connection and effort happening than before, which often leads to divorce.

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