Proactive vs. Reactive Parenting

There are two broad types of parenting that experts have identified in encouraging good behavior in our children in the future, namely reactive and proactive parenting. Reactive parenting is the most commonly studied parenting strategy and is how parents respond to a child’s misbehavior. The behavior has already happened, and you are now reacting. While this aspect of parenting is certainly important, we believe that far more important is proactive parenting, or anticipating the problems children might have and acting before the child’s behavior has become a serious problem.

There are two main approaches to proactive parenting, namely, cocooning and pre-arming. Cocooning is a parent’s attempt to shelter or protect their child from potentially negative influences and is probably an aspect of parenting with which you’re familiar. While it is certainly appropriate to shelter your children from negative influences, the likelihood is that at some point, your child is going to be on her or his own, and your only parenting influence will be what you have taught them beforehand. Leading parenting researchers have found that while cocooning is relatively effective for young children, it often backfires on older children and leads to excessive curiosity and the tendency to seek other sources (e.g., peers, media) for answers to questions that parents will not address.

In contrast, pre-arming is defined as providing your child with some form of advanced teaching and coaching for when they confront situations that may tempt them to not follow family rules. Pre-arming can take many forms and is basically a tool to achieve open communication with your child. It means anticipating situations your child might experience and talking with him about how to deal with those situations and feelings.

Also, you shouldn’t assume that because you are proactive, your child will not still struggle with some aspects of their behavior decision-making. We are confident that a positive emotional bond and a proactive approach will result in fewer struggles, but we certainly expect that you’ll need to address these issues with your child frequently, especially during the pre-teen and teenage years. One of the keys to promoting responsible behavior is building a relationship of openness with your children and pre-arming them with the tools they will need to make good choices when the time is needed. This takes time and diligence, and continued desire on your part (even if your pre-teen child is seemingly annoyed or unwilling).

Fitting Your Parenting to Your Child

One of the truly frustrating things about parenting advice is that it often assumes that all children are the same – which any parent with more than one child can tell you is a ridiculous notion! We encourage you to tailor your discipline strategies to the particular child with whom you’re communicating and consider that what works for one child might not work well for another child.

For starters, always tailor your discipline to your child’s age and maturity level. Make sure you have realistic expectations and that you provide the needed support for your child to meet your expectations. In addition to age, considering your child’s temperament is also essential to effective parenting. Temperament is the biologically based way in which children respond to the world around them and is usually fairly stable over time.

Research has identified two primary extremes in temperament, with the rest of our children falling somewhere between these two extremes. Two important temperamental distinctions that have been made are between children who are over-regulated and children who are under-regulated. This means that some children have a tendency to control or regulate their emotions and behaviors too much (over-regulated), and other children do not control or regulate their emotions enough (under-regulated).

When they are infants, over-regulated children react strongly and negatively in response to loud noises, strong smells, or discomfort and may be particularly difficult to soothe. Over time, these children may grow up to be shy, withdrawn, or anxious children and teens. On the other extreme, under-regulated children almost seem to increase their energy and become more engaged when presented with stimuli. As infants, these children may be highly active but may also be very laid back – nothing seems to bother them. Under-regulated children do not fear authority and grow up to be extroverted and sometimes impulsive children and teens who may be at risk for conduct disorders or risk behaviors.

While these extremes help us to understand temperament, the important thing to remember is that very few children are at the extremes. Because of socialization influences (parenting central among these), most children (about 75 percent) fall somewhere in-between these extremes. The key is to identify your child’s overall temperamental tendencies and how these might impact their risk level for different online safety issues.

• Over-Regulated Children. What can we do as parents to alter our approach for different children? If you are cocooning and non-communicative or punishing about online safety matters, an over-regulated child will be much more stressed and less likely to communicate about things they see or experience. With a child who is over-regulated, it may take a bit more for him to open up, and you may spend quite a bit of time wondering what is going on inside his head. Don’t shut down just because your child seemingly doesn’t want to talk about it. Again, hopefully, if you’ve started opening lines of communication early, this won’t be as much of a challenge, but some children just don’t seem to want to talk no matter how much you’ve prepped them. Parenting experts suggest that parenting strategies such as setting limits and appropriate rules are quite effective for over-regulated children (as they are unlikely to push back), so you might need to keep yourself from overly cocooning a child with this temperamental tendency because he may be more willing to be sheltered than would a child who is under-regulated. Gentle discipline is much more effective with children who are over-regulated than is harsh discipline. So be gentle when your over-regulated child makes mistakes, and be patient as you try to encourage him to share his feelings with you.

• Under-Regulated Children. In contrast, for children who are under-regulated, you likely will have no problems getting them to ask questions and talk with you about behavior issues, but helping them to control their behavior may be more of a challenge. Start by acknowledging that your child is not flawed or shameful in any way, but that temperamental tendency will make appropriate behavior decision-making a bit more difficult for her to manage. Parents with under-regulated children will likely feel like this is a bigger problem than over-regulation because it is external and noticeable. But this isn’t necessarily the case. In some ways, it is easier to identify a problem with an under-regulated child and then help to solve it because it’s often all out in the open. Under-regulated children often don’t respond particularly well to discipline (because they more rarely experience anxiety or fear of punishment), but they do tend to respond well to the positive emotional bond, as it creates a bond and a feeling that they can trust and depend on their parent. If they feel this security, they will often have a greater desire to adhere to parental rules and eventually internalize parental values as their own in an attempt to make their parent happy and maintain the relationship. Under-regulated children respond particularly well to parenting practices that include pre-arming and joint conversation and decision making. Try not to harshly punish your under-regulated child, even though she may consistently make mistakes. If you punish and shame her, she will just begin to be more secretive and is more likely to develop problems. Instead, provide her with specific strategies to use when making decisions.

The bottom line is that one size does not always fit all children when it comes to parenting, and this is no exception when you are teaching your children about online behavior and digital safety. The first positive step is to notice and acknowledge the temperament and maturity of your child and stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole if your attempts at parenting aren’t working the way you want. The best parents are flexible parents, so be willing to try something new.

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Communication as a Two-Sided Equation

Perhaps the most important aspect of communication to understand is that communication is always an act between two people and always involves two separate roles: talking and listening. It seems basic, right? While it might seem so, playing out these roles in a healthy way is both critical yet tricky to execute in practice. During any conversation, the two people involved must alternate between talking and listening in a way that makes both people feel understood and appreciated. When this basic dance of communication isn’t followed, conversations often end in conflict, frustration, or even annoyance.

Another way to think about this process is to think about the following equation: Healthy Communication = Good Talking + Good Listening.

Both people that are communicating must be aware of and work hard to execute their role in the process. You can’t have one without the other, which means it takes both the parent and child to use good communication skills to have a healthy and productive conversation. How can you improve communication then? By improving your skills on both sides of the “+” sign. Let’s talk about how you might improve both the talking and listening side of healthy communication.

Healthy communication is all about practice, practice, practice. The great thing about communicating with your tween is that you can practice the skills you’ll need for those conversations when you communicate with anyone!

So, let’s dig in and talk about some specific skills you can practice when you’re talking to your child, spouse, friend, coworking or just about anyone.

Improving the Talking Side

When you’re the one talking in the conversation, there are a few things you must keep in mind that will make this half of the communication process be more productive. It’s important to remember when you are communicating with a tween that the goal of each conversation is not to get your child to do or think something (this is called controlling communication and is an unhealthy pattern to get into!). Instead, your goal is to help your child understand what you are trying to say. Often this understanding changes what we talk about and how we say it. That leads us to the first skills to practice.

1. 1. Learn to give lots of clear examples. When we communicate with another person, one of the best ways we can help them understand what we are trying to say is by giving examples. Often when we use words, they can mean different things to different people. This can make understanding each other difficult. For example, if you say, “I feel like you don’t care,” it can be confusing to the other person because our internal feelings of being cared about differ from person to person. Examples help provide more information to the person we’re talking to and make sure you are conveying the correct meaning, even if you are using words differently. Practice giving clear examples as you communicate to help reinforce both the positive and negative emotions you are experiencing or feeling. As you communicate with others, make a point of giving an example or two when you really want to make sure the person understands your meaning.
   2. Learn to say what you mean. Sometimes we must have hard conversations with the people we love. When these topics come around, we sometimes like to beat around the bush or avoid directly talking about the concern, issue, or topic. This can make communication confusing and challenging. We do this because we hope the other person will pick up on what we have to say without directly saying it. Healthy communication is about being clear and direct. When you have something hard to say, just say it! Certainly, try to speak without attacking or blaming the other person, but be willing to talk about both the easy and hard things as you build a relationship with those around you. Next time you need to bring up a topic with another person that brings you anxiety, work on speaking directly about what your concern is or how you feel. Don’t give the other person only part of the information they need to understand your perspective.
   3. Learn to avoid mixed messages. A mixed message is when we say one thing, but our non-verbal body language says another. This means that the information we are sending the other person doesn’t line up. This is confusing for the person trying to understand you. Although we may know that non-verbal language may be more accurate, mixed messages are related to a range of communication difficulties in relationships. Have the courage to say what might be written all over your face to make sure your communication is consistent across all the information you are sending the person you’re talking to. Start to be aware of your non-verbals when you speak to other people. What is your body posture? What are you looking at? Pay attention to how each part of your body sends information to the other person to have a better awareness of making sure that all your information is consistent when you communicate.

   Improving the Listening Side

   Learning how to listen is just as important as learning what to say when you’re communicating. Remember, healthy communication is about trying to understand each other. Without strong listening skills, this understanding process would never happen. Let’s talk about a few listening skills that you can work on to improve how you listen to your tween.

   1. Learn to ask for help. Sometimes despite our best efforts to listen to the person we are talking to, we can still get confused about what the other person is trying to say. In these situations, make sure to ask for help! This means to ask questions when you need more information, to tell the other person you’re having a hard time understanding them, or asking for examples to help you understand something you’re having a hard time getting. Sometimes we worry that asking for help will make the other person think we aren’t listening, but research suggests the opposite is true. When we ask for help, we signal to the other person that we are invested in the conversation and want to understand them. Practice this skill in your conversations for the next few days. Every time you are not exactly sure what the other person meant, ask some questions to get more information to help you out.
   2. Learn to summarize and repeat. Active listening is the art of not just sitting back with our ears open while listening but doing something that promotes healthy communication and encourages the other person to keep talking. One of the best active listening skills to practice is summarizing and repeating. This means that when the person you are speaking to is done talking, you summarize what you think they said and repeat it back to them to make sure you understand. For example, you might say, “Ok, so I think I’m hearing you say….” Or “Let me make sure I have that right, it sounds like….”. Summarizing and repeating is a great skill to have, and utilizing it will make sure you are getting the message being sent to you while also showing the person you are speaking to that you care.
   3. Learn to stay engaged. There are so many distractions in our lives today that it can sometimes be hard to stay in the moment. Smartphones and other modern technologies can make it especially tempting to keep only part of our attention on the person we are talking to. You might find yourself also daydreaming about your next task, something fun you get to do later in the day, or even what your next meal is going to be! When you stop giving the person you’re talking to your full attention, you are more likely to miss important information, which can lead to miscommunication. Putting energy and effort into conversations is another critical skill to practice! Practice giving each person you are talking to your full and undivided attention and catch yourself if you start to mentally slip and think about something else.

   These six skills, three focused on talking and three focused on listening, are proven ways to make just about any conversation more positive and productive. The best thing about these skills is that they can improve your communication with anyone, not just with your tween. That means you can practice these skills as you talk to just about anyone during the day. Dedicate yourself to identifying the skills you feel are the weakest and make a plan to practice them every day. As you do, you’ll find yourself more prepared to improve your communication with your child.

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Avoiding the Extremes

Let's be honest, as parents, for many of us, questions related to digital monitoring are driven by fear. We all hear the headlines about the risks of social media for teens, inappropriate content on the internet, and even online predators connecting with kids. These topics can be scary to any of us - and given the vast scope of the online world, it's only natural for any parent to be concerned about threats out there.

Feeling fear as a parent is not always a bad thing. Sometimes there is wisdom in fear if it makes us attentive and vigilant to the things we should pay attention to as parents. But, of course, fear can also lead us to unhealthy extremes. Our goal in deepening our parental knowledge is not to become "helicopter parents" who constantly hover over our children and make every decision for them as they are growing up. As tempting as it may seem on the surface, being overly involved and micro-managing our children's lives can prevent them from developing resilience and confidence in their own decision-making.

Of course, some parents go too far in the other direction and abandon their children to their privacy. They often hope for the best or shrug their shoulders and say that there is nothing parents can do. Or they simply claim that they can never know as much about technology as their kids do. Healthy digital monitoring avoids each of these extremes. Simply put, healthy digital monitoring is about creating appropriate safeguards for our children, teaching responsible online behavior, and reasonably keeping track of what our children are doing online.

Digital Monitoring Through Disclosure

There are two main ways that parents can monitor their children's digital behaviors. One is called "disclosure"—or having children telling and showing you what they are doing online. As we have mentioned, disclosure works best when parents have good, open, and caring relationships with their children. Children are more willing to talk to their parents if they think their parents can be trusted, have useful advice to offer, and are open and available to listen and talk. Research on teens shows that the ones who feel close to their parents are more willing to follow family rules and share what is going on in their lives – including online interactions.

As a parent, you are likely experiencing many competing demands on your time. Work or other commitments can keep you away from home and limit your ability to directly monitor your teen. To help bridge this gap, you can use e-mails, text messages, and phone calls to check in with your teen. Where possible, both parents should be involved so that there is more ability to keep an eye on your child. You can also seek the support of other family members, friends, and school staff to help monitor your teen's activities and behavior. According to research studies, teens who have consistent and proper monitoring of their activities are less likely to engage in unhealthy and unsafe behaviors.

Monitoring Through Watchfulness

The second main way for parents to provide digital monitoring is called "watchfulness." Now, some of you are probably thinking that watchfulness is just a nice term for surveillance - invoking images of tracking devices on ankles, following children in your car, or video monitoring their every move. Clearly, healthy watchfulness in families doesn't go that far. So which approach is best, disclosure or watchfulness? Experts recommend a little of both.

Of course, the exact rules you have for electronic devices are up to you. And in many cases, checking in regularly on apps, video games, and what's happening online is a great way to monitor your child's digital habits. But, even if you've talked to your kids about responsible online behavior and healthy screen-time limits, it's still tough to manage what they do when you're not there. So, what are some of the options for parents to set up parental controls that can help them have appropriate watchfulness of their children's digital behavior? Experts agree that parental controls can support you in your efforts to keep your kids' internet experiences safe and productive. Experts also agree that parental controls work best when used openly and honestly in partnership with your kids -- not as a method to spy on your children behind their backs.

It is important as a parent to figure out what kind of parental controls are best for your child and family. What is best is entirely based on your own family's needs. Some families can get by with simple browser settings to filter inappropriate content. Some families need help monitoring and regulating excessive screen time patterns. Some parents set up the pattern of regular spot-checks on their kids' devices. Wherever you are in determining what is best for your family, there are a lot of online guides that can help you make sense of the wide range of options available to you for managing your family's devices.

Many parents are turning to the growing industry of monitoring apps to help them keep track of their kids' digital lives. In recent years, a wide variety of monitoring software solutions have been released that allow you to see what children are doing online and set digital boundaries. Parental control apps are becoming more common and advanced in helping parents keep track of their kids' digital presence. From limiting screen time, blocking specific apps at certain locations, and filtering what content kids can see, parent control apps allow parents to customize their children's online experience to fit their age and maturity level.

But, again, there are a lot of these services, and it can be a bit daunting to know what will work best for you and your family. We recommend that you spend some time looking at the extensive online guides that review these options. This is definitely an area of parenting where some study time can pay off in real benefits to helping you as a parent have a better parental knowledge of what is happening in your child's digital life and provide them with timely guidance and correction.

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Asking For Help

Before we get into the specific strategies of building a good team, we need to talk about a general principle when it comes to creating a strong parenting team. It may seem simple, but to create good teammates, you have to invite people to be a part of your team. That means you need to ask for help as a parent. This is sometimes harder than it appears because we all have internal anxiety about not wanting to appear like a bad parent to others. We worry that if we ask for help from others, that sends a message that we’re not competent parents. This is simply not true! Asking for help is one of the traits experts know predicts the best parents! Good parents know that sometimes they lack the knowledge, skills, or expertise to tackle every parenting issue or concern that arises. It can truly take a village to raise a child, and parents who seek outside resources and get help when they need it are better prepared to handle the unexpected and sometimes more challenging situations that parenting can create. Once you’re willing to invite people onto your parenting team, here are a few specific strategies you can use to build the best team possible for your child.

1. Start Close to Home

The first strategy for building a strong team when you ask for help is to start close to home. This means to look at your own family and identify the people in your family that might be key resources to you. You’re likely utilizing people already in your immediate family as part of your parenting team (like your spouse) so look a little bit farther away. Extended family members can be great resources to you. Do you have an aunt that’s raised four kids? Perhaps you have a cousin with children around a similar age as your kids? Look at your extended family members and think about what resources you might have at your fingertips that you haven’t utilized. Instead of trying to build your parenting team with strangers, see if you can start by expanding your local team!

These family members can be a key resource to you in terms of one specific type of source of help, lived experience. Your family members had likely gone through similar parenting situations and can help give you information about what helped (and what didn’t) when they went through similar parenting challenges. Learn from the success and failures of those around you.
As you do this, keep in mind that lived experiences are great for giving you solid examples of things that may or may not work in your own parenting but should never be taken as the only way to tackle a problem. What worked for your family member may not work for you. You are unique as a parent, and your child is also unique. Use your family teammates to get more options for how you might tackle specific situations, and then pick and choose what you feel would be the most beneficial in your own parent-child relationship. In our sports analogy, this is like expanding your playbook so that you have more plays at your fingertips based on the unique situations your child may present to you.

2. Embrace Technology Carefully

While family members can be great at giving you advice based on lived experience, sometimes you need teammates who can teach you something more universal. The problem is, your family members and even friends are likely not parenting experts!
Here is where you can expand your team to include access to online resources through the beauty of modern technology. Think about this like going to a coaching clinic taught by the best coaches around. You’re also doing some of this by utilizing this online program! There are a variety of other online resources you can turn to to get expert advice and opinions on child development or to help you gain knowledge about a variety of topics related to parenting. Look at social media and explore online video-sharing platforms for advice and information about whatever topics you feel you need to learn more about.

One caution about using these online resources: While the internet and technology have greatly expanded access to information and advice about parenting, not everyone who claims to be a parenting expert is giving good advice.
Spend some time considering how much of an “expert” an online resource is before you make them a permanent part of your parenting team. A quick online search can often tell you if a parenting expert has a degree from a respected university or if their “degree” is actually in a field unrelated to child development or parenting. Once you find a few solid and reliable online resources, keep utilizing them to learn and grow your own knowledge about what healthy parenting can look like.

3. Expect the Unexpected

The third important strategy for building a great parenting team is to expect and plan for the unexpected. Parenting comes with a lot of what experts call normative stress. These are stressful moments in parenting that are “normal” because most parents go through them. Think about moments like the first time your child goes to school or the first time they have a girlfriend or boyfriend. These are stressful moments as parents, but they are expected moments. Because we expect them, we can plan for them. Many parents have resources prepared and get themselves ready for these normative stressful moments of parenting. Due to this preparation, many parents manage this stress pretty well. However, many parents begin to struggle when unexpected things happen while they parent. These are the moments where stressful things happen that perhaps you were hoping to avoid (drug use, failing school) or were simply not planned for (the quick rise of social media use, a sudden expense hobby or sport your child insists they want to become involved in). When you’re coaching a team, you might prepare for most things, but the other team can always throw an unexpected play or formation out there for you to deal with.

These unexpected moments can catch parents off-guard and sometimes unprepared. It’s important when you construct your parenting team to make sure you have resources ready for even these unexpected situations. Of course, it’s impossible to plan for everything, but good and smart parents do some planning for these unexpected situations. As a coach, you want to spend at least some time prepping your team for the unlikely trick plays the other team may try. It is important to consider what resources you might have if your child has a mental health crisis, had a sudden accident, or suddenly was struggling socially. Do you have people you could turn to in these unique situations? Do you feel confident in your own parenting ability to negotiate these types of topics, or would you need to go seek additional information?
Think about how you might start today to prepare for these unexpected situations.

4. Get Child Input on Teammates

The final strategy to building a strong team around your child is to not neglect involving them in the process. Parenting experts know that involving children, especially older children, in decision-making is an important part of healthy parenting. Not only does this foster their growing independence, but it also makes them feel more buy-in and engaged with the rules and boundaries you want to set as a parent. While this involvement can and should extend to many elements of parenting, it also should be an important part of how you build your parenting team. Good coaches do not simply tell their players what is supposed to happen; and they also seek the input and thoughts of their players.

Many of the resources you are building around you to help you with your parenting are resources that, if needed, will also serve as resources for your child. However, research has shown us one important aspect of how we use resources in our life.
We only use resources if we think those resources are helpful! If your child doesn’t believe a person in their life is a helpful resource, that person will be unlikely to provide much tangible help to your parenting. This doesn’t mean that children should have the final say in who is involved in their life, but it may be worth talking to your child about who they trust and who they feel might be an important ally to them when they need help or have questions. This conversation may uncover people who might make strong teammates on your parenting team that you never even considered.

Together, these strategies will help you continue to build your parenting team and make sure you have the resources and support needed to navigate the challenging road of parenting. Remember, while you can’t prepare for everything, you can feel prepared for most things. Also, remember that no parent can go at it alone. Make sure you have the people around you who can help pull you through the difficult stretches of parenting and also cheer you on as you celebrate your success with your child.

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Avoid the Extremes – Doing it Yourself or Doing Nothing

Many parents are under the impression that they shouldn't have anything to do with their children's homework. They see homework as their child's responsibility or believe that help and support should come from teachers, classmates, or the internet. Experts agree that while it is true that parents should not do all of their children's homework for them, leaving children to manage homework all on their own is not the right way to go either. Research shows that parents who get involved in their children's homework in proper ways can improve how well they do in school. To be clear, research on parent-school involvement includes much more than just helping with homework. It also includes parents participating in parent-teacher conferences and volunteering in the class activities, as well as asking questions each school day, providing support with the social aspects of school, and providing opportunities to learn at home.

So, how do you know if you are striking the right balance in helping with homework enough, but not too much? The key is to focus on learning, not just getting the homework done.

The right balance is for parents to provide encouragement and teach effective learning strategies, but don't get so involved that your child misses the chance to learn for themselves. Experts recommend that parents see themselves as "homework managers" rather than "homework doers." This means that parents should strive to provide the support that helps provide the environment and oversees the process for how homework gets completed. This management involves helping to ensure that your child has enough time to be given to homework assignments, providing a proper environment for homework to be done, tracking progress on projects, and providing encouragement and support – particularly when your child feels overwhelmed or discouraged. When it comes to parent involvement, experts emphasize that parents should help their child see their homework as an opportunity to learn rather than to requirement to perform. Teach your children that as long as they try their best and make a diligent effort, you'll be supportive of whatever grade or score they receive. Too much emphasis on grades by themselves can be counterproductive in how your children will feel about homework.

Specific Ways to Support Your Child with Homework

So, what are the ways parents can be effective homework managers that provide the right level of support? Primarily, parents can be supportive by demonstrating study and organization skills, explaining a tricky problem, or just encouraging kids to take a break. Here are four ways you can do this.

1. Monitor and Motivate

Homework can be very discouraging for some children and quickly become their most dreaded part of the day. Do everything you can to approach homework with a positive attitude and let your child know that they have your support and are not alone. Your positivity will make a difference to your child's approach to homework, going to school, and learning in general. Do your best to help your child track their assignments, projects, and exams and don't be afraid to tie privileges like playing video games and hanging out with friends to homework being completed. Most importantly, give encouragement and celebrate success with praise, a favorite treat, or mentioning their academic achievements to relatives to let them know how proud you are of them when they stay on task and succeed.

2. Be an Example of How to Learn and Study

One of the struggles for many kids these days is that they are trying to do homework in the evening when their parents and younger siblings are watching TV, scrolling on their phones, or relaxing in other ways. It is important for us as parents to set a good example to our children to see us learning and studying too. Do your kids ever see you reading a book or working diligently on a personal project? Kids are more likely to follow their parents' examples than their advice. Some experts recommend that instead of watching TV in the evening, parents will set a better example by using that time to read a book while their child does their homework. Having "family library time" during the completion of homework can both provide a good example and help create a better environment for homework to be done without distractions.

Another way to model good learning behavior is when you help your child with a part of their homework they are struggling with. Maybe they have a math problem they can't figure out, or they don't know how to organize their essay for their history class. Good parents can model the learning process by taking some time to understand the assignment and helping their children figure out what to do. Then have your child do the next step or problem on their own, following the pattern you've shown them. It is also important to note that sometimes parents are not able to help with all of their children's homework struggles. If your child continues to have problems with homework you can't help with, then get help. Talk about it with your child's teacher or have your child reach out for help. Maybe your child has a learning disability and needs a professional evaluation. Or maybe you can arrange some tutoring help with a difficult subject in a way that will provide the level of support that is needed. Your child will know how much you care about them and their success – now and in the future!

3. Create a Homework Plan

Every parenting expert that knows the research on helping kids with homework recommends that parents should help their children create a homework plan.
This may be an overall plan on how to do homework for an entire class, a plan of how to tackle homework for a busy week, or a plan to tackle a longer homework project. Here are some recommendations that experts give on putting this plan together: (1) Look at the homework instructions with your child to make sure you both understand the requirements, (2) Break the homework task into smaller manageable chunks, (3) Create an estimate of how much time will be needed to complete each chunk of the assignment, (4) Work backward from the final due date and create a timeline for each part of the assignment, (5) Have your child put the timeline where he or she can see it, and (6) Monitor and encourage your child to mark completed chunks to see the progress made on the task.

4. Create a Learning Environment For Homework

There is a wide range of environments in which kids do their homework these days. Some lay on their beds while they listen to music and check their phones every 30 seconds. Others do homework in the kitchen while their parents watch TV and their younger siblings play with their toys. Other kids have a dedicated space for homework that creates a ritual for learning. Here's what the experts recommend in creating a good learning space for your child. First, set up a homework-friendly area in your home. Make sure that the space is well-lit and has the supplies they will need within reach. Second, schedule a regular study time. Of course, family schedules will change on some nights, but it usually works best for kids to have as much as is possible a set time each day to do their homework. Finally, keep distractions to a minimum. This means creating an environment with no cellphones, TV shows, loud music, and interrupting conversations.

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Dr. Baumrind’s model of parenting styles is based on two central dimensions of parenting behavior, what she called “parental warmth” and “parental control.” Parental warmth – which is also called parental responsiveness or supportiveness – refers to what Dr. Baumrind describes as the extent to which parents are “attuned” and “supportive” of their child’s personal needs.  Parental control – which is also sometimes called “discipline” or “regulation” – refers to parenting behaviors aimed at disciplinary efforts and a willingness to confront the child who disobeys.

Parenting Styles: Which One Best Describes You?

Categorizing parents according to whether they have high or low levels of warmth and control creates a 2 x 2 typology of four parenting styles: permissive parenting, coercive parenting, authoritative parenting, and uninvolved parenting. Each of these parenting styles reflects different naturally occurring patterns of parental values, practices, and behaviors and a distinct balance of warmth and regulation.

Permissive Parents (also referred to as "indulgent" or "nondirective") are high in warmth and support, but low in regulation.  Therefore, they are loving and supportive but struggle to set limits and help their children regulate their behaviors.  According to parenting experts, permissive parents are lenient, avoid confrontation, and do not require mature behavior of their child.

Authoritarian parents are high in regulation, but low in warmth.  Therefore, they are often demanding and directive, but not warm and responsive. These parents are obedience and status-oriented, and often expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation.  Authoritarian parents provide well-ordered and structured environments with clearly stated rules. However, there is less expression of warmth and affection, with little involvement in the emotional lives of their children.

Authoritative parents are both high in warmth and support, as well as high in regulation.  Therefore, they interact with their child with nurturance and warmth, as well as having high expectations and regulation.  According to parenting experts, authoritative parents monitor their child and teach clear standards for their child’s conduct. But, while they are assertive, they are not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, self-regulated as well as cooperative.

Uninvolved parents are low in both warmth and control.  In extreme cases, this parenting style encompasses neglect and abandonment.  Thankfully, research has shown that this parenting style is not as common as the other three.  Because of this, parenting styles are sometimes presented as having only three styles, rather than four.

Parenting Styles and Child Outcomes

So, as you can see, parenting experts view parental warmth as one of the most important foundations of effective parenting.  It is considered one of the primary parenting strengths – and there are now hundreds of studies that back up these conclusions.

What have these studies found? Studies have shown that parenting styles predict child well-being in the domains of family and peer relationships, academic performance, emotional wellbeing, and problem behavior.  In general, parental warmth predicts how well your child does socially and psychologically, while parental demandingness is associated with developing life skills and self-control in areas like academic performance and avoiding illegal behavior. The research on parenting styles has found:

Authoritative parenting is best. Children and adolescents whose parents are authoritative are more socially adjusted and have better life skills than those whose parents are nonauthoritative.

Uninvolved parenting is the worst. Children and adolescents whose parents are uninvolved perform most poorly in all domains.

Authoritarian parenting negatively impacts emotional development. Children and adolescents from authoritarian families (high in regulation, but low in warmth) tend to perform moderately well in school and be uninvolved in problem behavior, but they have poorer social skills, lower self-esteem, and higher levels of depression.

Permissive parenting increases problem behaviors. Children and adolescents from permissive or indulgent homes (high in warmth, low in regulation) are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform less well in school, but they have higher self-esteem, better social skills, and lower levels of depression.

Parenting styles provide a simple, yet insightful way to think of parenting behaviors that predict child well-being across a wide range of outcomes.  Both parental warmth and parental control are important components of good parenting. Authoritative parenting, which balances clear, high parental demands with emotional warmth and recognition of child autonomy, is one of the most consistent family predictors of healthy child outcomes from early childhood through adolescence.

How to Improve Your Parent-Child Emotional Bond

So how do you improve the warmth and emotional bond you have with your child and be a parent who uses the authoritative style? This will vary depending on your situation and your child’s age and temperament, but generally, you can improve your emotional bond by doing the following things:

Be involved in your child’s life. The most important thing you can do is find ways to regularly spend time with your child and be involved in his or her life.  If your child knows you care about him, he will be much more willing to obey you and listen to your counsel.  This may mean attending her soccer games, band concerts, and dance recitals. For other children, it may mean taking the time to sit down individually to discuss concerns or doing one-on-one activities with just you and your child. It means taking the time to be personally invested in each child and his or her developing interests.

Have age-appropriate expectations. Do you expect too much of your child? Are you always harping on him or her because of their mistakes instead of praising them for what they do well? When she makes a mistake, do you ask yourself if she did it on purpose or if it is a function of immaturity that comes with an opportunity for her to learn (and for you to teach)?

Set reasonable limits and insist on obedience. Having a positive emotional bond with your child does not mean that he or she will always be thrilled with you and that there will be no disagreements. A positive emotional bond is established by clear, consistent, and reasonable expectations, which might also mean a disgruntled child at times. For example, a “no media in the bedroom” rule may be an important safeguard for digital safety but may not be popular. Regardless, it should be enforced. It is easiest if you do this from an early age, then you will get less pushback when they are teens. But either way, it is important and should be enforced!

Listen patiently to your child’s point of view. Establishing a positive emotional bond requires careful listening and an attempt to understand and value your child as an individual. As much as possible, encourage participation from your children in family decision-making. Particularly as teens get older, they will benefit from sharing in the decision-making process and hearing a parent explain the reasons for certain boundaries and limits.

In sum, when you take the time to express warmth and establish a positive emotional bond with your child, it will set the foundation needed for other parenting interactions.  It will also be the foundation of monitoring behavior as teens get older and spend more time outside of your home.  Parenting research suggests that a positive relationship will increase your child’s trust in you and knowledge of your positive intentions. This will lead to a higher likelihood that your child will desire to do what you suggest is right and will listen to your advice.

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As we have said, nearly every parent wants to give their children all of the time they need.  We all know that time together with our kids and family is important, but sometimes spending quality time together can be a challenge, even for strong families. But our lives often pull us in a variety of directions, often in directions away from our kids and family life. So how do you make sure that your parenting is a priority for you?

The key is to find strategies that help you live in harmony with your values and priorities.  Research shows that people who feel that the behaviors and patterns of their daily lives are congruent with their values are happier and more content. But it often takes very intentional efforts to make sure this happens. Without regular intentional effort to align our lives with our values, it becomes easy to drift and to find that our time and attention end up going to things that don’t matter as much to us as our core values – like parenting.

The Intentional Parent

Striving to be an intentional parent who focuses on our top priorities requires effort.  In fact, researchers and therapists have called the effort we put into our relationships “relationship effort.”  Family and parenting experts define “relationship effort” as how much family members their relationship in relation to other parts of life. For parenting, they also emphasize that relationship effort involves how much parents engage in behaviors that are aimed at improving or maintaining their parent-child relationship. These behaviors involve paying attention to the current levels of connection and communication in the relationship and making intentional efforts to spend time together.  It also involves striving to address areas of struggle and to improve the relationship over time. For some parents, this involves setting goals and making changes in their parenting practices that improve the quality of the relationship for both them and their child.  Research on family relationships shows that relationship effort in parenting is not only the time we spend with our child but also includes how much mental energy and time commitment parents give to their child’s needs.

So, what are some strategies that can help you live each day in harmony with your priorities? While there is no one-size-fits-all approach for everyone, there are some proven strategies that you can consider. Remember, the closer you are to matching your parenting priority then your needed changes may be smaller tweaks and minor course corrections. However, if you feel that your daily and weekly life don’t match up very well with the parenting priority you want to have then you may need to consider some more dramatic strategies to get to where you want to be.

Strategy #1 – Adopt a Season’s of Life Approach to Life

One of the most notable family research findings of the last several years is that almost all individuals and families report that they do not feel that they have enough time in their lives - and that their daily life feels frantic and rushed. And when it comes to parenting, many parents today report that they feel like they are simply trying to do more than they can realistically fit into their daily lives.  In our modern media culture, we are all being encouraged to strive to have it all—generally have it all at the same time! So, we are striving to have careers, marriage, parenthood, friends, money, travel, fitness, hobbies, volunteer service, and dozens of other worthwhile pursuits all to the highest degree at the same time.

One strategy that some parents are embracing more and more is to simplify their lives and intentionally take on fewer commitments while their children are living at home. Of course, this isn’t always possible for everyone when it comes to work and other commitments but taking some major commitments off the table can be a way to simply and bring focus to our lives.

Many of us are reluctant to consider this strategy becomes it feels like we are settling and giving up on other important goals in our lives. Some of this is unavoidable, effective parenting will always require some degree of personal sacrifice. But another way to address this concern is to remind ourselves that our lives can have different stages and seasons where we emphasize different things.  As a wise person once said, we don’t need to try to sing all the verses of our life’s song at the same time. The amount of time it takes to parent a two-year-old is different than the time it takes to parent a twelve-year-old – and this is different than the time it takes to parent a twenty-two-year-old. As the times and seasons of life change, so will the nature and demands of our parenting.  By allowing our lives to have “multiple verses,” parents can think of different ways to live in harmony with their priorities in each stage of their life.

Strategy # 2 – Make Sure You Are Sharing the Load

Another strategy to consider is to look at how much support you are getting from others in your parenting efforts. If you are in a relationship, it is important that both parents are sharing the load of parenting and that the responsibility for meeting your child’s needs are not falling unfairly on just you. If you are not currently in a relationship, then you may look at ways to include other family members and others who can help lighten your load and help you have more time to devote to your parenting efforts.

With parenting partners, this strategy involves having open communication about issues of fairness in your relationship. Couple experts emphasize that fairness is fostered when partners are equal parents and share the work of parenting and family life together. Perhaps nowhere is the degree of fairness more displayed in a parenting partnership than in how partners share the work of maintaining a household and taking on parenting responsibilities.  In this aspect of family life, partners must strive to have a respectful responsiveness to each other, as they find mutually agreeable ways to balance work and family life. Partners need to find ways to show their devotion to each other and their family through completing the needed tasks and responding to their children’s current needs.

It might be helpful to have a “parent-planning meeting” with your parenting partner each week to help divvy the load and keep communication open on how you can both step in and meet the needs of your children.

Strategy #3 – Organize Yourself and Making a Plan

While some of us are very organized people, others of us sometimes struggle in our parenting priority because we are not as organized as we could be.  If this is you, then focusing on your life organization may be the strategy to focus on.  This may involve keeping a list of the things you need to get done within the week. Maybe it involves keeping a calendar or making a family job chart to share the load of family chores.  There are a lot of people giving advice these days about how to organize our lives and make plans to reach our goals.  Maybe now is the time for you to look into ways that you can turn a weakness into a strength and take some time to improve your organization skills and patterns.

Strategy #4 – Cut Yourself Some Slack

 Make sure that you are being fair to yourself. As a parent, sometimes we worry that we are not doing enough for our kids when we are actually doing a pretty good job. It is important to have realistic expectations of our kids, and it is also important to have realistic expectations of ourselves too! So, make the changes that you can make – but also be good to yourself too.  Make a sincere effort every day to prioritize your parenting, but don’t beat yourself up for not being a perfect parent.  All of us have bad days and bad weeks.  Look for concrete things you can do to live true to your values and priorities and trust that those will show through in the journey of parenting – it’s a marathon, not a sprint!

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The topics of tween-parent tension are often centered on friends, school, dating, and family time.  The ages from around 10 through 13 are often when parents sense a shift in how their children respond to parenting across a variety of topics and disagreements start to increase.  Disagreements and conflicts often become more heated, more personal, and more stressful for parents during this time.  From parents’ point of view, there is often a concern that tweens will make decisions that will put them on a negative trajectory in life, a trajectory that will find them lost and struggling.  All parents worry about their tweens and teens taking this “wayward” path.  Luckily experts understand some specific steps parents can take to reduce the likelihood that tweens and teens will set off on their own path in opposition to their parent’s wishes.

Understanding Identity Development

The key to understanding why many tweens and parents end up butting heads on a variety of topics is to understand a process called identity development.  As adults, each of us has developed a sense of who we are and what kind of person we desire to be. This identity is how you describe yourself and the roles you take on.  To get a better sense of this concept, think about labels like this: male, engineer, sister, religious, adventurous, etc.  Each of these labels speaks to how you might identify yourself and each one says something about how you present yourself, how you think, and how you act.  You developed this sense of identity over the course of your life.  However, the period of our life when we most strongly develop our sense of identity is during our tween and teen years.  This is the period in life when we start to desire a sense of being an independent person, different than our parents or siblings.

This concept is critical to understand as a parent of tweens because as tweens begin to have a sense of independence and a desire to create their own independent identity, they often wish to differentiate themselves from their parents in a variety of ways.  They want to think, act, and react in their own unique ways.  This desire for independence is natural and normal, but often challenging to navigate as parents still desire to both supervise and regulate their children’s behavior during this time while also teaching them the values and beliefs they believe are most important.

Tweens and teens are notoriously rebellious, but this rebellion has a psychological and developmental purpose and root.  These teens are beginning to get a sense that they are unique and they want to foster that uniqueness.  It’s important to understand this is a normal process.  It’s also a process that parents can help their tween explore while still maintaining strong shared values.

Focusing on the Big Picture

There are many things parents can do to help reduce the likelihood that as tweens seek independence and establish their own identity this will lead to increased conflict.  Experts have noted that while all children will seek to become their own individual person separate from their family, the nature of this independence is often at the heart of conflict.  If tweens are seeking to establish an identity that is at odds with fundamental family values, the likelihood of conflict increases.  So, what can parents do to reduce the chance of major conflict?  Here are three things experts have noted.

1. Focus on the things that matter most. Some of the largest conflicts that occur between parents and tweens happen when tweens push back on values, behaviors, or beliefs that are held dearly by parents.  Whether they be religious values, the importance of school or the types of friends our kids associate with, these topics that parents feel strongly about have the highest potential for conflict.  If something really matters to you as a parent, make sure this is a focal point of your discussions with your child and make sure you have frequent conversations about it.  This may mean you need to let other things go and allow your child to create space for themselves in other areas.  Figure out what matters the most to you and focus on aligning your family across those things.  Starting these conversations even younger, before the tween years, is also a great way to reinforce the importance of these topics.
2. Create a structured space for individuality. Every tween needs the ability to create a unique sense of identity. This is important to their overall development as an adult.  One way to help create some boundaries around identity development is to create structured spaces where your children can be their own person.  Perhaps you have a family independence night where everyone can do their own thing alone once a week.  Or maybe you have a regular family movie night, but each family member can pick the movie on a rotating basis.  Find ways in your day-to-day or week-to-week family life to allow your children to think and act on their own.
3. Look for opportunities to celebrate differences. Just like identifying the big topics you want to align with your child on is important in terms of helping you prioritize your parenting around shared values, it is just as important to identify those issues and behaviors that don’t matter to you as a parent when it comes to your child seeking to be their own individual.  When your child thinks or acts differently than you on something that you don’t care about, celebrate it!  Make it clear to your child that it’s okay to be different and you appreciate their different point of view.  Whether that’s them enjoying a television show you hate or hating a dessert you think is divine, find ways to send a clear message to your child that while there may be certain things that you want to see eye-to-eye on, there are many things and many topics where differences can be celebrated.

Simple Steps to Improving Topics of Difficulty

Despite our best efforts, sometimes we come across situations where parents and tweens disagree on fundamentally important values or behaviors in the family.  These topics then run the risk of being points of contention and conflict and can undermine the overall health of the parent-child relationship.  So, what can be done in these situations?  What can you do to help reduce conflict in these areas and still have a core set of shared values with your children?  Here are a few thoughts, again taken from some of the best research in this area.

1. Seek to understand. First and foremost, make sure you are trying to understand your child’s perspective.  While you may disagree, they fundamentally want to be understood.  Ask questions and ask for examples.  Try to understand where they are coming from.
2. Find common ground, even if it’s small. Even when you disagree on the big things, see if there are small islands of safe haven where you can both stand on solid ground.  See if there are smaller elements of bigger issues that you may be able to agree on.  These areas of common ground will show both of you that the gaps between your views may not be as large as you thought while also giving you a few areas on which you may build toward greater unity.
3. Focus on positive communication. No matter how large or small the conflict, parents should also focus on having healthy and loving communication with their tweens. This doesn’t mean giving in or changing your view, but it does mean being a good listener, providing many expressions of love, and not resorting to negative communication tricks like threats or criticism.

While every tween and parent must navigate the tricky issue of identity development and the growing independence of children who are moving toward adulthood, many parents have been able to navigate this tricky area in a way that not only avoids major conflict, but increases feelings of love, connection, and trust between parents and children.  With focused energy, even topics of contention in your relationship with your child can result in a stronger and more satisfying relationship down the road.

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Because of this familiar conflict, many parents may wonder if there is even a point to this argument.  At what point does it become too much of a headache to get your tween or teen to clean their room?  And does it even matter in the grand scheme of things if their room is clean?  Like many things related to parenting, a clean bedroom itself is not a pressing parenting issue that will have long-term effects on your children. However, the way that parents teach their kids about the importance of cleaning their room and the nature of what children learn as they consistently clean their room does matter.  This type of task hits at the heart of the structural element of parenting, a key part of having a healthy relationship with your kids and teaching them the needed skills to be a functioning adults.  So, should you press and force your kids to clean their room each day?  Let’s see what the experts say.

Why it Does Matter

There are important reasons why you may want to not lay off your kids when it comes to picking up that messy room.  At the very least, there are a few things to consider as a parent that should help you both frame these discussions and help you prioritize when elements of that messy room matter the most.

1. Follow-through May Be the Most Important Lesson. When it comes to teaching kids about structure and organization, one of the most important lessons they can learn is about follow-through.  Experts have noted that one of the best predictors of future success in life is tied to setting and keeping goals.  People who have what is called goal-driven behavior (they follow through with their goals) often are happier and more successful in adulthood.  That means that one of the most important things you can be emphasizing with a child when they clean their room is the importance of following through.  Instead of getting mad at them for a messy room, have them set a goal for when it will be done and then focus on if they meet this goal or not.
2. Teaching about Resources. Realizing and using resources in our life is one of the best predictors of healthy coping during stressful situations in adulthood. That means that one of the important lessons children need to learn is how to use resources in their life.  Cleaning their room can be an opportunity to learn about how to find and use resources.  Do they have a sibling they can use to help them (perhaps in exchange for helping them with a chore)?  Are there boxes or storage bins in the house that can make the tasks easier?  Encourage your kids to think outside the box to help them with the task at hand.
3. It’s Not About the Room. Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind when it comes to your kids having a clean room is that it’s not about the room at all.  It’s about the larger skills and goals you want to pass along to your child that will help them structure their life as an adult.  Don’t make these goals and hopes hidden from your child.  Say them out loud!  When your child puts up resistance to cleaning their room, talk to them about why it’s important to you and what you want them to learn about adulthood.  While this may not suddenly create a change in heart, it will help them to focus and think about the underlying skills you are hoping to create within them.

Why it Doesn’t Matter

Despite these important reasons why teaching kids to clean their room is important, there are also reasons why having a clean room doesn’t matter in the long run.  The best way to think about these factors is that they are the inconsequential reasons we might want our kids to clean their room that should not be things you linger on or focus on because they don’t really matter according to the experts.

1. Cleanliness is a Low Factor for Healthy Adulthood. We’ve all heard the old phrase, “cleanliness is next to Godliness,” but social science research suggests that being a clean person is not necessarily associated with a lot of positive adult outcomes.  This research suggests that there are a lot of sloppy and messy people who are very successful and well-adjusted adults.  While general organization skills do matter (more on that in a minute), how clean you keep your room, your house, your car, or really anything, simply doesn’t seem to correlate much with long-term success in adulthood.  In other words, while your personal preference might lean towards a clean and organized home, at the end of the day a messy room doesn’t really predict much about your child’s future success.
2. Consistent Conflict Does Matter. There is something to be said about consistently having conflict with a child around a certain topic. When parents and children consistently fight and that conflict turns negative, it can have an overall negative effect on the relationship.  While conflict may be needed on some important topics, the cleanliness of a room should rarely elevate to that level.  If cleaning a room is creating a conflict with a child that is consistently becoming negative, it may have a harmful effect on your relationship with your child. On a topic like this, that negatively is rarely worth it.
3. Structural Priorities Matter. Teaching a child how to keep a clean room and putting rules on this process is one important way that parents can teach their kids about keeping a structured life.  But it’s only one of many ways a parent might teach this lesson and many other ways may teach kids more important lessons about structure.  One of the main goals for parents when it comes to the structural element of their parent-child relationship is to teach their kids to organize areas of their life to help them learn how to function effectively on a daily basis.  Research has suggested that there are areas of a tween’s life that can be particularly suited for this type of lesson.  For example, helping kids stay organized and structured around their schoolwork has been linked to many positive outcomes in adulthood.  Helping teens get and keep their first job through helping them organize both their time and their finances is also highly related to positive outcomes later in life as well.  In other words, even for parents who are worried about teaching their kids the importance of organization and structure, there may be other areas of a child’s life that will provide a better platform for these lessons.

The Bottom-Line

The bottom line when it comes to room cleanliness is simply this; the outcome doesn’t really matter, but the process does. So, while you may be tempted to give your kids a free pass when it comes to a messy room, remember that having your kids clean their room is one way you can teach them important skills about structure in their life.  It may not be the only way, but it could be a way you teach your kids about how to utilize resources and follow through with promises they make.  It can be a way that you help them manage their time and make important priorities about how they use their time. Instead of getting frustrated with how they never seem to learn that it’s easier to just put things away rather than on the floor, remember that a messy room is a great opportunity to teach and guide your kids in ways that will teach the lessons beyond just having a cleanroom.

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