To give a little bit of context, let’s first define “lust” because it’s kind of a term that’s become “Christianese,” meaning an insider language used in church sermons and among Christians that doesn’t have a lot of use in the broader culture. To make sure we’re all operating from the same definition, lust is essentially an intense sexual desire typically fueled by prolonged mental fantasies and visual stimuli.

The Bible talks about lust on several occasions. Perhaps most notably, Jesus teaches on lust during his famous Sermon on the Mount in which he addresses the lust issue by saying, “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. So if your eye-even your good eye-causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” (Matthew 5: 27-29 NLT)

Those are pretty strong words! Jesus is raising the bar from the Old Testament’s standard of sexual purity, which was to avoid the physical act of adultery. Jesus teaches that the real heart of God’s standard is far beyond the physical act, but it goes into what’s happening in a person’s mind and heart. Your brain is the most powerful sex organ you possess, and what you allow to happen in your mind will impact your sex life, your marriage, and every other aspect of your life. If lust is running rampant in your mind, then sin is already happening.

So, we know that lusting after someone other than your spouse is wrong, but what about when it is your spouse? The answer to this question is multi-faceted, so hang with me for just a minute. The basic answer is that it’s impossible to sin by lusting after your spouse because, within the covenant of marriage, God gives us an enormous amount of freedom to express our desire for one another. The Bible even celebrates marital desire and sex in multiple writings, including the ultra-steamy Song of Solomon, which is an erotic love poem using very sensual and explicit imagery to celebrate a husband and wife’s yearning for each other and sexual expression with each other.

That’s the good news. God wants you to have a steamy sex life with your spouse. He wants you to be aroused and delighted by the sight of each other. After all, He is the one who invented sex as a gift for married couples, and it’s a gift He wants you both to enjoy often! Here’s the bad news…it’s possible to have sinful lust in your marriage even when you’re remaining physically monogamous to your spouse. You might be scratching your head a little bit confused right now, so let me explain.

Jesus’ teachings on lust show us that He doesn’t just want us to be physically monogamous; He wants us to be mentally monogamous too. Sinful lust can creep into our marriage when we fuel our lust with outside images like pornography (Ashley and I have spoken and written extensively on the damaging impact of porn). I know the damages of porn-fueled lust from my own experiences. From my teenage years through the early part of my marriage, my mind was warped by pornography. Even though I didn’t physically cheat on Ashley with another woman, my mind was often playing highlight reels of other women even when I was making love to my wife. I’m now sickened by the fact that I tainted our marriage bed and the sacred bond of our marriage by allowing my mind to wander into these images. This sinful lust was an act of mental infidelity.

If porn or any outside factor is putting fantasies in your mind or images in your mind that aren’t exclusive to your spouse, then lust is corrupting your marriage. If you are using your spouse as a physical body with which you can act out your porn fantasies, then you’re objectifying and using your spouse instead of cherishing and loving your spouse. Sinful lust looks at other people as only bodies to be used for our visual and sexual pleasure, but marital love looks at a spouse as a soul to be cherished. If you want a thriving, passionate, intimate marriage inside and outside the bedroom, then make sure all your thoughts, all your fantasies, and yes, all your “lust” is focused exclusively on your spouse.

This article originally appeared on xomarriage.com.

The post Is it a Sin to Lust Over Your Spouse? appeared first on FamilyToday.

With the busyness and stress of life, recent studies suggest that married couples are having less sex than ever. A recent article by USA Today cited a study suggesting most married couples are only making love around once per week (and many couples even less frequently than that). Another study by CNN found that for those couples who do have a “high-frequency” sex life (which they defined as 3 times per week), there are noticeable differences in each spouse’s overall health and satisfaction.

If you’re not having sex as often as you’d like, don’t beat yourself up (and don’t give in to the temptation to start blaming your spouse). There are many factors that can hinder a couple’s sex life, and Ashley and I talk honestly and openly about all these factors on The Naked Marriage podcast; and I’d encourage you to start listening to it if you’re not already. For nearly every solution that hinders a couple’s sex life, there are solutions. Be willing to work together to find the solutions. Your sexual intimacy (and the rest of your marriage) will undoubtedly benefit as a result.

Below, I’ve listed six reasons why more frequency in your lovemaking could help you, but before we get there, I want to do something different. Instead of launching into this discussion with stats and opinions, I’m going to do something unexpected. I’m going to share what the Bible has to say on the subject. You might have thought the Bible was boring or irrelevant, but it’s actually the greatest marriage manual ever written! Here’s one surprising passage about sex in marriage:

“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) emphasis added

This passage above is essentially saying that a married couple should make love as often as either one of the spouses wants to. This is pretty revolutionary. When a couple waits until both spouses are equally in the mood, it will rarely happen! This model requires a mindset of mutual submission and selflessness for the sake of the other, which will not only improve your sex life, but it’s also a great approach to improving the other aspects of your marriage.

As a quick disclaimer, what this passage is not saying is that one spouse should be able to force the other spouse to be available sexually as if he/she doesn’t have a say in the matter. You always have the right to say no to sex, but when you do turn down your spouse, please do it very gracefully (and hopefully very rarely). If you carelessly or consistently deny your spouse sexually, they might receive an untrue message that says, “I don’t find you attractive, and your needs don’t matter to me.”

The main message of the Bible on marriage and all issues is to love one another. Loving requires protecting, respecting and serving. If you’re tempted to use this passage of Scripture as a manipulative tool to force your own agenda and demand sex, then you’re missing the bigger point about love—and without love, a marriage won’t be healthy. Sex without love is empty. If you’re tempted to always say no to sex because it doesn’t matter to you nearly as much as it does to your spouse, then that’s not showing love either.

As it relates to sexual frequency in your marriage, I’d encourage you to try to make love as often as the spouse with the higher drive wants to. Depending on age, drive, health factors, schedule and many other considerations, the “magic number” of how often a couple should make love is probably going to look different in every marriage. Based on my experience, the healthiest and happiest couples will prioritize their sex lives and consistently make love at least twice per week. This isn’t practical 100 percent of the time, but make it your goal not to “deprive each other,” and as the frequency of your lovemaking increases, your overall connectedness as a couple will probably increase as well (for the reasons listed below).

Don’t just apply this “higher drive” principle to your sex life. Whichever spouse has the higher drive for communication, you should try to communicate as much as that spouse wants to talk. Whichever spouse has the higher drive for affection, you should strive to meet their need for affection. In all parts of marriage, don’t settle for giving each other the minimum requirement, but strive to exceed each other’s needs.

When a couple isn’t consistently connecting in the bedroom, it can start having some major repercussions in other areas of the relationship. When you make consistent lovemaking a habit in your marriage, you’ll be strengthening the marriage in all kinds of ways. Here are just a few examples of how more sex in your marriage could have huge impacts:

1. It will bring you and your spouse closer together on a physical, emotional and even spiritual level.
2. Studies suggest high sexual frequency can impact your overall health and well-being.
3. A recent study on CNN.com suggests that frequent sex (they defined it as at least 3 times per week) could actually make you more successful and profitable in your career.
4. Greater frequency can lower levels of stress and sexual frustration in your marriage.
5. Greater frequency can statistically lower the risk and temptations that can lead to adultery.
6. Greater frequency is fun. Do you really need more reasons?

This article originally appeared on xomarriage.com.

The post How Much Sex Do You Actually Need? appeared first on FamilyToday.

One of the most profound parts of the ceremony happens when the Best Man and the Maid of Honor hand me the wedding rings. I place the rings on top of my Bible and talk about how beautiful they are and I usually crack a joke by saying something like, "He went to Jared!" (which only makes sense if you have Jared Jewelers commercials in your area). I then go on to talk about all at the rings represent and I watch as the couple nervously place the rings on each other's hands and stare at them with a look that says, "I'm NEVER taking this off!"

It saddens me that so many couples do take them off. Sometimes it happens because of very practical reasons like skin conditions or work environments that aren't conducive to jewelry, but most of the time, a person simply prefers not to wear it and invents justifications for why it's not really important. Just like Frodo and the Hobbits learned in Tolkien's epic "Lord of the Rings" series, sometimes a ring can have a lot more significance than you see on the surface!

As advocates for stronger marriages, my wife Ashley and I are always encouraging couples to do everything in their power to protect and strengthen their marriages, and YES, this includes wearing wedding rings. We believe wearing a wedding ring is more important than you might think for the following six reasons (in no particular order)...

1. Whether or not you're wearing a ring is one of the first things people notice when they meet you and they'll often make assumptions about your availability and your commitment to your marriage based on the ring's presence or absence.

My grandmother has been a widow for decades, but early in her marriage, my grandfather cheated on her by having multiple affairs. She's never fully healed from those wounds. To this day, when she is talking about a man whether he's a person she knows or a celebrity in the public eye (even pastors), one of her first observations is always either "He's always wearing his wedding ring." Or "He doesn't wear a wedding ring." She makes assumptions about the man's integrity and commitment to his wife based on the ring's presence or absence. While she might be an extreme example, many people will make similar assumptions. We should live to cater to other people's assumptions, but if the simple act of wearing a ring could prevent misconceptions, then why wouldn't you wear it?

2. Your ring is a daily reminder to you that every decision you make will impact your spouse in some way.

A ring is a tangible symbol of the permanent place your spouse should hold in your heart, your schedule and every part of your life. From the moment you said, "I do," every aspect of your life is now connected to your spouse. You're "One" according to the Bible. Everything you do with your time, your words, your money, etc. will impact him/her in some way so the ring is a simple reminder that everything you touch will touch your marriage.

3. Your ring is a symbol of respect for your spouse.

Respect in marriage isn't measured only by what we say. It's often the silent acts and actions that speak the loudest. Respect in marriage is communicated constantly (since marriage is a constant relationship). The ring is one simple way to communicate that respect especially when your spouse has asked you to wear it and/or communicated that it's important to them. If your spouse has asked you to wear it, and you consistently deny their request, then you are consistently communicating disrespect and disregard for his/her feelings.

4. Your ring is a first line of defense against infidelity.

A ring isn't a fail-proof safeguard against infidelity, and it's certainly a simple first line of defense. Wearing a ring subtly communications the message that, "I'm married. I'm committed. My marriage matters to me." If you're trying to be "married undercover" by keeping your marital status a mystery in public, that's NOT healthy. Some people (who have no respect for marriage) may still proposition you while you're wearing a ring, but you can prevent many unnecessary temptations by simply wearing it.

5. Your ring is a visible symbol to your kids that your marriage matters.

If you have children, one of the most important lessons you can teach them is what a marriage should look like. Have the kind of marriage that makes them want to get married someday! Show your kids the beauty of a husband and wife committed to each other in both public and private. This requires MUCH more than just a ring, but the ring will be something they notice and it can provide opportunities for you to talk about why you wear it and what it represents.

6. There aren't really any good reasons for not wearing it!

Like I said at the beginning, there are some practical exceptions to this rule, but overall, when it's simply a matter of preference, why not wear your ring? There are so many positive ways it can help your marriage and really no downside. If your attitude isn't "Well, I shouldn't have to," and instead you think, "I want to always do everything in my power to respect my husband/wife and protect my marriage," then you'll be on the right track.

If this article helped you, please share it so we can help others too!

The post 6 Reasons Why Wedding Rings Matter More than You Think appeared first on FamilyToday.

My wife Ashley and I have tried to be intentional about protecting our kids from porn and creating healthy boundaries with technology, but it’s difficult to do because my kids are already better with technology than I am. Their generation has been dubbed “Digital Natives” which means technology is like a native language with them. They were born with access to smart phones. They’re learning how to code in middle school. They have the world’s knowledge literally at their fingertips, and they are already shaping the world’s future through their technological prowess.

For all the good technology has brought into our kids’ world, it has also opened them up to some terrible images and on-demand access to pornography. As we teach our kids about healthy relationships and porn and sex, we also need to talk to them about the good use and the misuse of technology. We can neither demonize nor deify technology. We must teach our boys responsible principles to help them navigate the opportunities and potential pitfalls related to the incredible tech they hold in their hands. If we’re going to protect our kids from porn, we need to train our kids to properly use the technological tools that can give on-demand access to porn.

The reminders of porn’s ubiquitous presence are everywhere. I was sitting in church yesterday listening to our pastor preach a powerful message on the adventure of faith God has in store for every Believer. I have a self-diagnosed case of adult ADHD, so sometimes my thoughts and my eyes wander around the sanctuary during even the most compelling of sermons. On this particular Sunday, my eyes landed on a sight I couldn’t believe I was actually seeing. It was shocking.

Sitting two rows in front of me was an adolescent boy who appeared to be around fourteen-years-old. He was holding up his smart phone at an angle where I could see it clearly. There was no one sitting in the row directly in front of me, so at the unique angle of my line of sight, I may have been the only other person in the auditorium who could see his screen.

At first glance, I just saw cartoon images. They were female characters from a cartoon my kids watch often. I rolled my eyes in frustration at the ubiquitous plight of kids on screens at inappropriate times. As I looked again to his screen, my frustration turned to horror. His web searches had at first glance seemed harmlessly sophomoric but they were actually pornographic.

This boy who was seated right next to his parents was brazenly searching the web for cartoon porn. I honestly didn’t even know this was a real “thing.” Some additional research into this topic later revealed some unbelievable global trends. With the worldwide screen addiction epidemic, many men and adolescents are becoming addicted to pornography in many different forms including this kid’s apparent cartoon porn fetish.

This boy at church was cavalierly treading down a dark and dead-end path. Without trying to gawk or cause a scene, I leaned in slightly trying to make out the images I was seeing. There was no mistake. These female characters from a popular cartoon series had been turned into animated porn stars. His parents were sitting right next to him, but had apparently conditioned themselves to giving him “privacy” on his devices which is both naïve and tragic.

I was sitting too far away to intervene without making a disruptive scene in the middle of church. I sat feeling helpless while a bombardment of thoughts and emotions swirled in my mind. I was frustrated by the pervasiveness of porn at our kids’ fingertips. I was terrified by the damaging messages our kids are seeing and hearing everyday. I was more motivated than ever to have these important conversations with my own sons and help other parents do the same.

If you’ll help your kids gets these life choices right, you’ll be equipping them for a lifetime of success and health in their relationships.

The post How to Protect Your Kids From Porn appeared first on FamilyToday.

It’s the subject that makes every parent sweat and every kid squirm, but I believe there’s a different way to tackle it. Not only is sex one of the most sacred and important topics we need to teach to our kids, but the conversations surrounding it can also be one of the most powerful and unexpected ways to truly build trust and connection with your kids. When we do it right, “The Talk” (or rather, “The many talks”) about sex can foster a unique bond of trust, mutual respect and connection between a parent and a child.

I have four sons ranging in age from preschool to high school, so there have already been many talks along the way. They tend to pop up at unexpected times. Recently, during bath time, my seven-year-old son innocently said, “Dad, today on the playground, one of the kids was talking about S-E-X.”

My first thought was,“I’m not ready for this! He’s SEVEN. I was planning on starting the sex talk when he was in his mid-thirties.”

I didn’t know if he knew it was a real word called “sex” or if he only knew of it by it’s 3 infamous letters (like the CIA or FBI). I smiled and calmly asked, “S-E-X, huh? What do you think that means?”

He thought for a moment and said, “My friend said it means when two people are boyfriend and girlfriend.”

In just a minute, I’ll tell you what I told my seven-year-old about S-E-X, but first, I’d like to address a few important points about how to start communicating with your children about these important issues. In no particular order, here are some things to keep in mind when communicating to your kids about sex:

1. They’re hearing about it much earlier than you’d think.

The internet has opened up a new world to this generation of kids, and consequently, they’re hearing about sex younger than any previous generation. According to multiple sources , the average age of first exposure to pornography is now around ten-years-old. That means the typical ten-year-old has seen explicit porn before she has ever had a conversation about sex with her parents.

Our oldest son came home from his first day of 8^th grade saying kids on the bus were sexting each other and sharing pictures of their genitals right on the bus ride. I’m thankful we’d cultivated the kind of relationship with him where he was comfortable talking to us about the real-life, unwanted sexual exposure he was experiencing. We need to be a safe place for our kids to be able to talk and process their feelings and questions related to sex.

2. Our kids are getting mixed messages.

It should come as no surprise that the mix of messages about sex on the school playgrounds, the internet, Netflix and other easily-accessible sources is going to leave kids confused (like our son felt on that terrible bus ride on the first day of 8^th grade). This means we as parents need to be starting these age-appropriate conversations early and keep the dialogue going consistently through every season of their development. We need to develop the trust with them from an early age that makes us (the parents) the safest place on earth for them to talk about sex (and everything else for that matter).

3. They want to be able to talk about anything with you (but they’re afraid you’re going to freak out).

Don’t freak out. Don’t’ hide from touchy subjects. You don’t need to have the “perfect” thing to say. Kids aren’t looking for perfectly scripted answers; they’re looking for your availability and authenticity. The more honest you are with them, the more honest they will be with you.

When you get started, remember that the strategy isn’t about having “The Talk” but, rather, “talks.” When my dad had “The Talk” with me, it lasted around 30 seconds and he summed it up with the wise maxim, “Just keep your weanie in your pants.” Not bad advice, but our kids today need a lot more information than that.

As your kids mature, be willing to initiate open, honest, age-appropriate conversations.

So, back to my seven-year-old son’s question about S-E-X, here’s what I said…

“Buddy, I’m so glad you feel comfortable talking to me about this. I always want you to be able to talk with me about anything. You’re going to be hearing a lot about sex from your friends and maybe on TV, and most of what you’ll hear won’t be true. As you get older, I will explain more about this, but for right now, the main things you need to know are that sex is a beautiful gift God made for a Mommy and a Daddy who are married and it’s part of His perfect plan for making babies. It’s beautiful, but it’s also private, so just like you don’t talk about your private parts or other people’s private parts on the playground, you shouldn’t be talking about sex either. If you ever have any questions about sex, or about anything, else, I want you to always feel comfortable asking me, okay? Ask me anything, anytime. We’ll talk a lot more about this as you get older. I love you, buddy.”

That was just one simple talk, but it was building trust and connection with him that will hopefully create a lifetime of talks even as the questions grow more complex and life gets more complicated. Teaching our kids about sex might sound scary, but it really doesn’t have to be. When done right, it can be a subject where you and your kids can develop new bonds of trust and mutual understanding.

The post How (and When) to Teach Your Kids About Sex appeared first on FamilyToday.

My wife Ashley once asked me why most guys seem to like sports so much. I thought about it for a minute and told her that it's a combination of reasons, but one of the reasons is simply that sports make sense. Sports have clear rules and everyone knows exactly what it requires to win. Some guys struggle with marriage, and it's not because they don't love their wife; it's because in marriage, the "rules" aren't as clearly defined, so he struggles to know what "winning" at marriage really looks like.

To help my fellow husbands out here, I want to take what I've learned through years of relationship research and give it to you. If you'll do these 12 things, you will "win" in your marriage (and, of course, your wife will win too). Read this list to your wife (or, if you're a wife reading this, share this list with your husband). It could start some great conversations in your marriage and lead to some positive changes that can help you thrive as a couple.

1. Thank her often for all she does and tell her how much you appreciate her

It's important to regularly communicate your LOVE, but it's also very important to communicate your APPRECIATION for her. When she knows she's appreciated by you, she'll simultaneously feel more loved by you. Don't take for granted that she knows how thankful you are for her and for all she does, tell her often.

2. Tell her she is beautiful

Research has shown the happiest couples have a wife who feels adored by her husband and a husband who often expresses his adoration for her and his attraction to her. As times goes on and bodies age, insecurities can set in. Through every season of marriage, she needs to know that when you see her, you see your beautiful one true love. Tell her often. Your words will make her more confident and there's nothing more beautiful than confidence!

3. Ask her out on dates. Keep pursuing her!

Don't stop dating just because you're married! Keep dating each other. Make time together a priority and actually ask her out. Make a big deal of it. Let her know she's ALWAYS worth your best efforts. Don't give her your leftovers. Keep pursuing her.

4. Encourage and support her dreams

Don't make everything about your dreams. Focus on her dreams too. Celebrate her wins. Support her passions and pursuits. Encourage her to try new things and "go for it" in areas she's always wanted to pursue. If you want to "win" at your marriage, make it your mission to help your wife win at her goals.

5. Talk positively to her and talk positively about her to others

When you talk positively TO your wife, you'll make her feel more loved and respected. When you talk positively ABOUT your wife, you'll be letting the world around you know how much you love and respect your wife which is the first line of defense against adultery and negative influences in your marriage. The tone of your words can shape the tone of your marriage!

6. Give physical affection without automatically expecting sex

Most guys equate all physical affection as foreplay leading to intimacy. While sex is very important and should be a huge priority in your marriage, she wants and needs your affection outside the bedroom too. When you hold hands, put your arms around her, give her a back massage or a gentle caress without automatically expecting sex, it will bring you both closer together. Ironically, it will probably enhance your sex life too!

7. Pray with her and pray for her

I believe in the power of prayer and I believe that praying together with your wife is one of the most intimate acts you can share as a married couple. Also pray for her throughout the day. You might be the only person in her life who is consistently praying for her. God uses prayer to change our circumstances but He also uses prayer to change our perspective and bring us closer to those we're praying for. Prayer can help your marriage. Give it a try.

8. Put her preferences ahead of your own

The happiest husbands I know are men who have learned to serve their wives by allowing her preferences to win most of the time. Don't argue with her over the paint color in the living room. Let her pick! Don't always be the one holding the remote control. Don't always pick the restaurant. Let her preferences be the default choice most of the time and you'll BOTH be happier. Seriously.

9. Communicate with her about EVERYTHING

Most women have a need for communication that is every bit as strong as the typical man's need for sex. Open up to her. She's going to feel most connected to you, when you're making effort to connect with her. Don't shut down when she's asking you about your day. Give her the details. She wants to be connected to every part of your world. Communicating with her shows your love and will make her feel connected and secure in the relationship.

10. Value her more than you value your career, money or hobbies

That other stuff can't love you back! Show her with your TIME that she's your top priority.

I'm obviously not saying that you shouldn't have a job or you shouldn't have hobbies, BUT I am giving you a warning that most of us guys struggle to keep these things in balance. We're drawn to careers and certain hobbies because we can "keep score" (with earning money or winning awards) in a way that validates or egos. Relationships don't have those kinds of measurable metrics, BUT relationships are where the real treasures are found. There's not greater blessing in your life than your wife. Never make her compete for your attention. Give her your best. Show her that she's your top priority.

11. When you've blown it, admit it

Take responsibility and apologize. Don't let your pride get in the way and make matters worse.

You're human, so you're going to mess up sometimes. You're going to say things you should not have said and do things you should not have done. When that happens, don't make excuses. Don't pass the blame. Don't give partial apologies like, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings" or "I'm sorry, BUT..." Instead, own it. Be genuine and humble. Tell her that you were wrong and you want to work to rebuild the trust you've broken.

12. Never give up on her. Never make her doubt your commitment to her

The strength of your commitment will determine the strength of your marriage. A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other! Remind her of your commitment daily. Show it by your words and your actions. Keep going even through times of struggle and you'll grow stronger and closer together through every season of life!

This article was originally published on Patheos. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 12 things a husband should do for his wife appeared first on FamilyToday.

In our years working with married couples and researching the factors that make a marriage work, my wife Ashley and I have observed a few conflicting mindsets: 1. Every couple wants to have a happy marriage. 2. Most couples don't know how to do it.

To be even more specific, most people think that happiness in marriage is just the result of luck, compatibility, personality traits, money or other factors that some people have and some people don't. They take on this mindset that looks at marital happiness like winning the lottery (with about the same odds), and they settle for a less-than-happy marriage, because they think that's their only option.

I've got some good news for you. YOU can have a happy marriage (and, yes, you can have it with your current spouse)! Don't buy into the myths that happiness requires divorcing and starting over or happiness is just the result of lucky circumstances out of your control. Even if you're already happy, consistently doing these things will keep you happy and probably make you even happier.

I'm firmly convinced that EVERY couple can be healthy and happy if they'll do the following things...

1. Happy couples find reasons to laugh even when life is difficult

Happy couples have hard times and face difficult challenges just like everyone else. The difference that sets them apart is that they allow difficulties to bring them closer together instead of driving them further apart. They also find reasons to laugh through every season of life. They don't look at joy as something they can only experience when circumstances are perfect. They've understood that circumstances are never perfect, but there can still be perfect moments even in the midst of the struggles.

2. Happy couples see their spouse as their best friend

Chemistry, compatibility and even great sex is never enough to keep a couple happy for very long. The happiest couples are great friends with each other. They share every aspect of life together. The know they have a true partner who will have their back through all the ups and downs of life. They keep dreaming together and enjoying the everyday moments together. If you want a happier marriage, start by investing into your friendship with your spouse.

3. Happy couples are part of something bigger than themselves

The happiest couples believe they're creating a legacy that will outlive them and make the world a better place in the process. Raising kids is clearly one big aspect of this, but there's got to be more. I'm convinced that the happiest couples have built their marriage on a foundation of faith and they see love as something that isn't just for a lifetime, but is a God-given gift that can extend into eternity. Faith, world-changing dreams and a shared legacy will keep a couple happy and motivated to see the bigger picture even as they go through the daily grind.

4. Happy couples are quick to forgive

A lack of forgiveness quickly leads to bitterness and happiness can't coexist with bitterness. If you want a happier marriage (and a happier life in general), stop keeping score and stop holding grudges. Let grace flow freely. God offers forgiveness to us freely because of what Jesus did to pay the price for our sins. We're called to give that same amazing grace to each other. When we truly experience the power of forgiveness (both giving and receiving it), true happiness is a natural response.

5. Happy couples don't get caught in the comparison trap

Few things will rob your joy faster than comparing your life to someone else's. It's okay to learn from other people and to be motivated by the example of others, but happy couples have learned that trying to "keep up with the Jones's" is a dead end! Run your own race. Live your own life. Embrace the God-given uniqueness your journey was meant to have. Don't compare your struggles to the highlight reels your friends post on social media. Choose to be content with what you have.

6. Happy couples consistently put the needs of each other ahead of their own needs

The happiest couples aren't always waiting for the other spouse to serve them or make their own life easier. They are serving each other. They're submitting to each other's needs, desires and preferences. They're taking turns being strong for each other in the moments when one feels weak. They have each other's backs! They work together in harmony.

7. Happy couples have learned to be flexible

I'm not talking about "yoga" flexible (although working out more would probably make you happier too). Flexibility in marriage means not being so tied to your rigid agenda that you miss out on the beautiful moments that often come through interruptions in our schedules. It's good to have plans, but it's also important to not let those plans become a prison. Lighten up a little. Happiness will usually follow.

8. Happy couples have no escape plan or exit strategy!

Happy couples don't throw around the word "divorce" in disagreements. They don't fantasize about a life being single or married to someone else. They've learned the beautiful truth that a happy marriage isn't the result of compatibility; it's the result of commitment. The security that comes from a rock-solid commitment provides a solid foundation where true happiness can grow for a lifetime. Renew your commitment to each other and you'll be taking a big step towards a happier marriage!

This article was originally published on Pathoes. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 8 reasons happy couples are actually happy appeared first on FamilyToday.

A wife's words have the power to build up her husband or to tear him down. Her words are like a thermostat that can set the climate for the marriage. We men aren't usually as verbal, BUT words are very important to us. We desperately long to hear specific words and phrases from the woman we love.

Ladies, let me encourage you to frequently speak these words and phrases listed below to your husband. It could make a tremendous impact in your marriage.

The Ten things every husband wants to hear (in no particular order) are ...

1. "I trust your judgment"

Every man wants to feel respected and trusted by his wife. A vote of confidence in his judgment and decisions is a sign of love and respect to him. Remind him that you trust him. It will mean a lot to him. If trust has been broken and he needs to rebuild it, give him the grace and opportunity to earn your trust again. No marriage can survive without trust.

2. "I appreciate all you do"

You might take for granted that he already knows how much you appreciate him, but he needs to hear it. The simple phrase, "Thank you" or "I appreciate you so much" will create a surge of adrenaline in his soul. Your gratitude has the power to change his attitude.

3. You whispering anything intimate in his ear

If you want to get your husband in a great mood instantly send him a text message or whisper something in his ear to let him know YOU WANT HIM. He thinks about making love to you all the time, and knowing that it's on your mind too will make his day. Seriously.

4. "I got a babysitter for tonight"

He longs for uninterrupted time with you. Especially in the stressful years of balancing work, marriage and raising kids, he needs to know he's still a priority to you. Make a date night a regular part of your routine. It could prove to be one of the best investments you'll ever make in your marriage.

5. "You are my best friend"

He wants for you to see him as the love of your life but he also wants for you to see him as your best friend. He wants to know you love him, but he also wants to know that you genuinely like him. Communicate how much you enjoy his company.

6. "I believe in you"

A man can accomplish anything if he believes that his wife believes in him. When you choose to see the best in him it will consistently bring out the best in him. Be his biggest encourager; not his biggest critic. Become a cheerleader of his strengths instead of a critic of his weaknesses.

7. "I was wrong. I'm sorry."

(This only applies when you've actually said or done something wrong)

Whether from actual expectations or not, many men feel they are expected to be the one to apologize in every situation regardless of whether or not he's at fault. When only one spouse is doing all the of the apologizing, it creates an unhealthy imbalance in the relationship. Hopefully, your marriage doesn't have this imbalance of only one spouse doing all the apologizing. For both the husband AND the wife, when you've blown it, apologize. It's the first step towards healing.

8. "You look very handsome today" or "Wow - you are HOT!"

We've often believed the myth that wives often need to be reminded that their husband thinks they're beautiful, but husbands don't care about these kinds of compliments. The truth is, your husband wants to know that you find him attractive, strong, capable and desirable. No matter how confident he may be, he needs to hear these words from you. He wants to know that you have never outgrown your crush on him.

9. "I'm so happy!"

Your husband wants YOU to be happy. In many ways, he will base his success as a husband and as a man on how happy he perceives you to be. This one is tricky, because one person can never "make" another person happy, but he wants to do everything in his power to bring happiness to you. When you tell him that you're happy (and you mean it), it will bring joy to him. Your happiness means more to him than you'll ever know.

10. "I will ALWAYS love you"

In our world where love has been redefined as little more than a fickle feeling that comes or goes; your husband wants to be reminded of your lifelong commitment to him. He will find security in knowing that you have no exit strategies and that you're happily his wife for life. The strength of your commitment will ultimately determine the strength of your marriage.

This article was originally published on Patheos. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 10 things every husband wants to hear appeared first on FamilyToday.

Every married couple has exchanged vows that promise "til death do us part," but for far too many marriages, their dreams of "forever" are crushed by divorce. According to government stats from the CDC, America averages one divorce every 36 seconds. That's roughly 2,400 divorces each day, 16,800 divorces every week and 876,000 divorces per year.

So, how do we stop this epidemic of broken marriages? To bring it even closer to home, how should YOU protect YOUR marriage? I'm convinced that if you'll avoid these common bad "habits", you'll be well on your way to beating the divorce statistics and creating a healthy and happy marriage that will endure through every season of life.

The nine habits that lead to divorce are...

1. Being secretive with your online activity

Smart phones, social media and 24/7 internet access are great tools to help us stay connected, BUT they can also create dangerous distractions and temptations that could potentially harm your marriage. The moment you find yourself having an online conversation or visiting a site that you hope your spouse doesn't find out about, you're already in trouble. Be honest and transparent with each other. Let your phones be a tool to keep you connected with each other; not a wedge to drive you further apart.

2. Dividing everything into "his" and "hers"

When a husband and wife have separate bank accounts, separate hobbies, separate friends, and separate dreams, they're running the risk of creating completely separate lives. Marriage is about combining; divorce is about dividing. The more you can share together, the stronger your marriage will be.

3. Putting the marriage on hold while you're raising your kids

I've seen too many marriages fall apart, because two well-meaning people put so much focus on their kids they forgot to keep investing in the marriage. Some couples reduce their relationship to a partnership in co-parenting, and when the kids finally grow up, they discover that they have created an empty nest and an empty marriage. Give your children the gift that comes from seeing their parents in a loving, thriving marriage. Model the kind of marriage that will make your kids excited to be married someday.

4. Giving each other your "leftovers"

Some couples have what I call a "cable company marriage." Have you ever noticed how Cable TV companies seem to give you their very best deals and service at the beginning of the relationship but then after the "introductory period" ends, they give you as little as possible to still keep you around? Some married couples were great at giving their best at the beginning of the relationship, but as time goes on, they start giving the leftovers. Strive to keep giving your best to each other. Grow deeper in your love, your respect and your friendship through all the seasons of marriage.

5. Holding grudges and keeping score

If you've been married longer than fifteen minutes, chances are good that your spouse has done something to offend you and you've done something to offend him/her. When our words or actions cause harm, we need to be quick to admit fault and seek forgiveness. When your spouse has wronged you, you need to offer grace quickly so that trust can start being rebuilt and there's no room for bitterness to take root in your heart. Don't use past hurts as ammunition in arguments. Let grace flow freely in your marriage. No marriage can survive without it.

6. Trusting your feelings more than your commitments

There are going to be days when you might not "feel" like being married, but feelings are fickle and they were never intended to be our primary advisor in major decisions. "Feelings" often lead people into adultery. The healthiest couples have discovered that love is a commitment; not just a feeling. Their commitment to each other perseveres regardless of what they're feeling. The strength of that commitment allows them to have a deeper intimacy, a stronger connection and a happier marriage.

7. Making decision without consulting your spouse

Our pride can often convince us that we don't have to answer to anyone, and we should be able to make decisions without consulting anyone. Pride has been the downfall of so many marriages. The healthiest couples have learned that EVERY decision they make as individuals will have some level of impact on each other, so they respectfully and thoughtfully consult each other in every decision.

8. Trying to change each other

When you try to change your spouse, you will BOTH end up frustrated. As you've probably learned already, you can't change each other; you can only love each other. The only part of the marriage you have the power to change is the part you see when you look in the mirror. Be willing to change your responses to your spouse's behavior. Look for ways to love and serve each other even when you have differences of perspective or preference. You'll both probably end up changing for the better in the process.

9. Planning an exit strategy

The healthiest couples have removed the "D-Word" (Divorce) from their vocabularies. When we threaten divorce or when we silently start fantasizing about life with someone new, we're ripping apart the foundation of the marriage. The couples who make it work aren't the ones who never had a reason to get divorced; they're simply the ones whose commitment to each other was always bigger than their differences and flaws.

This article was originally published on Patheos. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 9 habits that lead to divorce appeared first on FamilyToday.

A man's typical response when asked what he's thinking about is "Nothing." It's not that we're always thinking about nothing; it's usually that we don't know how to put our feelings into words.

Your husband actually wants you, his wife, to know these things; but he doesn't always know how to say it. This is, of course, a generalization and certainly doesn't apply to all men at all times. Still, there seems to be a trend of guys struggling to communicate their feelings and desires and their wives struggling to know "What's really on his mind?"

I'm going to share with you a list of 7 common desires most men have, but they're also unlikely to say these things out loud. I'm sharing this here simply to spark some healthy conversations in your marriage. Not all of these will apply to every man, BUT many of these will probably apply to your husband. Ask him if these are true for him. It may lead to some of the most intimate conversations you've ever shared.

1. He desperately needs his wife's respect. He wants to know she believes in him

Even the most confident man is secretly desperate for his wife's respect. When a husband feels respected by his wife, he believes he can take on the world. When he feels that his wife doesn't believe in him, he will carry deep, hidden wounds. Maybe your husband isn't acting very respectable right now, so you feel entitled to withhold your respect until he earns it. This is an understandable perspective, but it's also a wrong one. A lack of respect rarely motivates a man to improve, BUT finding something in him to praise and respect will usually make him more motivated to keeping earning and building your belief in him.

2. He wants his wife to be classy in public but "naughty" in the bedroom

Men who are happiest in their marriage almost always cite a strong sexual satisfaction with his wife. Ask him about this. Ask him what his fantasies are with you and share yours with him. Obviously, these fantasies have to stay within the sacred, monogamous covenant of marriage, but there's still a lot of room for creativity and FUN. Don't let insecurities or feelings of inadequacy about body image get in the way. Your self-confidence turns him on. He loves YOU. He wants YOU. He wants you to be a classy lady in all parts of your life, BUT he also wants you to be willing to make sex and shared sexual fantasy a priority with him.

3. He wants you to take a genuine interest in the things that interest him

Most marriages have "his" hobbies and "her" hobbies. In many cases, it's fine for both spouses to have different and separate interests, BUT the happiest couples find opportunities to share the experiences together. Maybe your husband loves sports and you hate sports. You might never be the kind of fan he is, but if you take the time to learn the rules of the game and learn some facts about his favorite team and players, he would be blown away and would love the opportunity to talk with you about it. It would help connect you in ways you're not currently connected. It might also inspire him to take more interest in your passions and pursuits. The more shared interests and shared experiences you can create, the stronger your marriage will become.

4. He wants you to be happy, because when you're happier, he'll be happier. When you're STRESSED, he will be stressed.

As a wife, you are the "thermostat" of your home whether your realize it or not. A thermostat sets the temperature in the home. You have the power of creating a more welcoming, stress-reducing climate in the home OR you also have the power to create a more stressful tone in the home. Your husband genuinely wants you to be happy because he cares about your happiness, but he also wants you to be happy because your stress is one of the greatest causes of his stress.

5. He wants you to be a great mom, but he doesn't want to feel like just another one of the kids. He also doesn't want to feel like you value being a mom more than you value being a wife.

If you're a parent, your kids obviously need huge amounts of your time and attention. Parenthood is a sacred responsibility and privilege, BUT when we put our marriage on the backburner while raising kids, everybody loses. Your kids need the security that comes from seeing a healthy marriage modeled before their eyes. Have the kind of marriage that actually makes your kids excited to get married someday! Make time for your husband. Don't treat him like another kid and don't treat him like an interruption. He should do the same for you.

6. He wants you to love him for who he is and not try to change him into something else

I believe it was Barbara Streisand who said, "I've seen women spend 20 years trying to change their husband and then complain that he's not the man she married!" Sometimes wives (with good intentions) will look at their husband like a renovation project. In an attempt to bring out his best, she'll try to bring about "improvements" in him, but to him, it feels like he's not accepted or loved as he is. It's good to bring out the best in your husband, but do it through encouragement and letting him know often that you love him for who he is.

7. He wants you to see him as your best friend. He wants you to enjoy being with him more than you enjoy time with your girlfriends or anyone else.

Your husband wants you to have friends and to get with your girls, but he wants to be your BEST friend. He wants to be the one you come to first with good news (or bad news). He wants to be the one you're escaping to; not someone you're escaping from. He wants to share adventures with you and create enduring memories with you. If you'll both invest into your friendship with each other, you'll be making a wise investment into your marriage. The strongest marriages are between two best friends.

This article was originally published on Patheos.com. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 7 things your husband wishes you knew appeared first on FamilyToday.