Dustin A. Wiggins – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com Here today, better tomorrow. Mon, 17 Mar 2014 23:30:00 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.8.3 https://wp-media.familytoday.com/2020/03/favicon.ico Dustin A. Wiggins – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com 32 32 6 easy ways to save your marriage now https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/6-easy-ways-to-save-your-marriage-now/ Mon, 17 Mar 2014 23:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/6-easy-ways-to-save-your-marriage-now/ We don't all have the time to become marriage experts, but here are six easy things you can do today…

The post 6 easy ways to save your marriage now appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>

Imagine if you invested eight hours a day into improving your marriage. In less than 3.5 years, you and your spouse would be the world's leading experts on happiness in marriage. It's impractical to put in that kind of time, but here are six ideas that will improve your marriage right now:

Work

In his book Outliers: The Story of Success, Malcolm Gladwell explains, "Researchers have settled on what they believe is the magic number for true expertise: ten thousand hours." With all the demands of life constantly beating down upon you it is difficult to find that much time to dedicate to improving your marriage, however, even an hour a day, devoted to your spouse will eventually make you a marriage expert. Work to make your marriage better.

Respect

Respect is a deep rooted feeling of admiration. When you respect your spouse, you recognize and appreciate all of his strengths and abilities. When you respect your spouse, you honor him with your words, thoughts and actions. When you respect your spouse you seek to protect her physically, emotionally and spiritually. When you respect your spouse you never speak ill of him or her. Show sincere respect for your spouse by recognizing his or her strengths. Commit now to never say anything negative about your sweetheart.

Forgive

Each of us makes mistakes. We all have imperfections. Withholding forgiveness from your spouse will make you a bitter pessimist. The longer you hold onto a grudge the more dirty you will feel. The irony is that while you harbor so much hate in your heart, you will begin to blame your spouse for your feelings of despair when it is you that simply needs to let it go. Forgiveness will bring peace and prosperity to your marriage. Forgive now to get on the path to save your marriage.

Love

Love is an action word. Learning how to re-fall in love with your spouse can be as easy as making eye contact, holding hands, talking more and creating beautiful experiences together. If you feel like you are falling out of love, it's because you are not doing enough. When you want to show your love for your spouse, don't settle on just saying it, do something unforgettable for her. Show your love by taking action, now.

Repent

Repentance is changing from the inside out. Learning how to repent and change your behavior is critical for spiritual growth and for a happy and successful marriage. Not to say repentance is easy. Changing your negative behaviors can be a challenge, but learning to overcome your weaknesses will allow you to develop qualities that will strengthen your character. Acknowledge your faults, your weaknesses and be honest about them. Appeal to the more noble side of your character and seek for the desire to change. Express a commitment to leave behind any habits that may be eroding your marriage and ask your spouse for support.

Time

With technology, entertainment, personal interests, work and the mundane routines of life, we are constantly being pulled in different directions. Taking control of your time can be a challenge. Learn to recognize the Time Thief and eliminate those things that distract you from being able to spend quality time with your spouse. The more time you spend engaging in fun and meaningful activities together, the closer you will become as a couple.

The post 6 easy ways to save your marriage now appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
Is divorce right for me? https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/is-divorce-right-for-me/ Sun, 16 Mar 2014 02:00:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/is-divorce-right-for-me/ How do you know when divorce may be the best option for your marriage?

The post Is divorce right for me? appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>

The Holy Bible teaches that when a couple marries, they are to cleave unto each other. Jesus taught that those who are joined together in holy matrimony should never be separated. With that declaration, he was challenged regarding the allowance of divorce, "Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and put her away?"

In answer, Jesus explained "Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so (Matthew 19:3-9)." Divorce is permitted because of the hardness of our hearts. Divorce is often a selfish act and selfishness will destroy your marriage.

Why get married?

Marriage serves to bring two independent lives together. Once married, his concerns become your concerns, her fears become your fears. Your whole life revolves around pleasing your spouse. You seek to bring a greater measure of happiness into the life of your companion.

You become united in all things. You are blessed with the companionship of your best friend. You live together, spend your free time with each other, work hard to build a life and family together, you sleep together and every morning you get to wake up to that familiar face of your spouse, that very person who has been there by your side through all of the ups and downs of life. Your spouse is the most important person in your life, your trusted friend. The greatest happiness that I have ever experienced has been by the side of my dear wife.

When is divorce okay?

Why would anyone want to separate from the one they once loved so passionately? There are circumstances when divorce may become necessary. No one should have to suffer extended periods of mental, physical and emotional abuse. If you are an innocent victim trapped in the clutches of an abusive relationship I encourage you to seek help. There are religious leaders, local law enforcement officers, friends, family and civil courts that can provide opportunities for you to find safety and peace in your life.

There are those who selfishly seek their own interests and refuse to accept the responsibility associated with marriage. When your spouse abandons you and simply walks away you should be given the opportunity to move on in your life. An opportunity to start fresh and discover that joy found only in marriage should be available to all who have suffered these abuses. In these instances, divorce can be the greatest opportunity of your time.

Is divorce right for you?

Probably not. What have you done to keep your marriage strong? Have you and your spouse visited with a marriage counselor? Have you taken the time to learn valuable relationships skills that will help to strengthen your marriage? When was the last time you opened a book that taught you how to be a better spouse? Start with 5 of the best marriage help books that have helped to strengthen my marriage. When was the last time you prayed together or attended church? When was the last time you laughed together? When was the last time that you forgot about yourself?

Consider the comments of Dallin Oaks, religious leader and retired justice of the Utah Supreme Court:

"Often the cause [of divorce] is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache ... Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce - especially where there are children - generate new conflicts."

Learn how to re-fall in love with your spouse. Exhaust all resources at your disposal before you even consider divorce. I have found that the greatest joys in life come in the form of a happy marriage. A husband and wife both deserve to be happy. Pride and selfishness will destroy your marriage. Humility is the key that will unlock deeper feelings of love and happiness in your relationship. Remember, "Only by pride cometh contention (Proverbs 13:10)."

The post Is divorce right for me? appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
4 ways to prepare for a newborn baby https://www.familytoday.com/family/4-ways-to-prepare-for-a-newborn-baby/ Mon, 03 Mar 2014 19:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/4-ways-to-prepare-for-a-newborn-baby/ All the preparation you do now to get ready for a baby will make the ride into parenthood a little…

The post 4 ways to prepare for a newborn baby appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>

Excitement will fill your life once you hear that first cry of your newborn. As you consider all of the beautiful and fun memories you will create together and the life that you will share, you look forward with anticipation. You may also feel a deep concern and hope that your child will learn from all of your mistakes. You wonder what struggles your baby will have to endure.

Having recently welcomed a new addition into our family, I have rediscovered some important principles that help prepare a family to take on the exciting challenges of a newborn. First, it is critical to get prepared for the emotional ride that you are about to go on. Next, you should consider ways to connect with your spouse. Finally, it will be important for you to brush up on basic parenting skills and get your home ready to welcome your little one.

1. Ready your emotions

To be in charge of a human life is a big deal and a sacred responsibility. You will experience a symphony of positive and negative emotions when the baby comes. You and your spouse may have specific expectations about parenting. You may feel unprepared, nervous or scared. Have an open discussion with your spouse about your feelings and expectations. The more you discuss your thoughts and feelings about being a parent the more prepared you will feel emotionally. As you confide in your sweetheart and discuss your emotions, the more you will be on the same page when the big day arrives.

2. Remember your marriage

Make plans now to remember your marriage. There is a delicate balance with a newborn in the home. Mommy needs time with the baby. Daddy needs time with mommy and if there are other children, they need time to get to know their new sibling and still need alone time with both parents. Emotions are tender, and any established family routine will disappear. For the guys, remember you will have to bridal your passions after the baby comes. You are going to have to take a break from sex until your wife is ready. Remember that intimacy will eventually return. Now is the time to learn how to give a good massage. Plan to be in the service of your wife. Look for opportunities to show your love for each other.

3. Brush up on parenting skills

Though the baby will be very tiny, the needs of the baby will be enormous. Prepare now for late nights and early mornings, interrupted sleep and doctor visits. Keeping baby happy will help ease some of the burdens. When the baby is crying uncontrollably, you will need some tools that will help bring the volume level down in your home. My wife and I use techniques taught by Dr. Harvey Karp, author of "The Happiest Baby on the Block." He teaches four basic principles: shushing, jiggling, swaddling and sucking which are considered the off switch for a crying baby. There are a myriad of ideas out there that can be useful. Try visiting a local library or YouTube for instructions on feeding, bathing and changing diapers.

4. Prepare your home

From choking and poison prevention to toy safety, there are numerous website that provide resources that will help you prepare your home for the arrival of a baby. Your older children may be well trained already so take a step back and consider baby proofing your home so that you can keep your child safe from any harm or accident.

If you are expecting, congratulations. Remember that all the preparation you do now to ready your emotions, remember your marriage, develop parenting skills and to baby proof your home will make the ride into parenthood a little smoother.

The post 4 ways to prepare for a newborn baby appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
How to re-fall in love with your spouse https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/how-to-re-fall-in-love-with-your-spouse/ Wed, 19 Feb 2014 19:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/how-to-re-fall-in-love-with-your-spouse/ There may come a time when the mundane routines of life suck the excitement out of your relationship. Learn how…

The post How to re-fall in love with your spouse appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
"I just don't love her anymore. I'm not feeling it."

"I don't think it is going to work out between us. I don't feel the same excitement with him."

There may come a time when the mundane routines of life suck the excitement out of your relationship. You may feel that you just don't love your spouse anymore and that things are not going to work out. A wise man once taught me the difference between passion and vision in a relationship.

Raging passion with no vision

Raging passion in a relationship is what you want! When you first met, you could not stop thinking about each other. Your first thought in the morning had you yearning to be with your love. Every waking moment you are looking forward to the time that you can be together.

She is perfect in your eyes and can do no wrong. Everything she says, does, believes and thinks is beautiful. He is your knight in shining armor. He loves you and makes you feel safe and protected. He can do and say no wrong in your eyes.

Your last thought before bed is consumed with a desire to once again be reunited with your soul mate. You are both ridiculously in love. This is raging passion.

Clear vision with no passion

Over time, it seems that the passion fades away. You become comfortable with each other and the burning flame of excitement seems to dim. You begin to see things a bit more clearly.

You notice that she doesn't take as much time making herself look pretty and you see that he can't seem to be able to say the right things anymore. You are not big fans of each other's parents, you have different ideas about how to raise and discipline children, you discover that there are things that you don't have in common and now you are starting to think that marriage wasn't such a good idea.

Now you see things clearly, everything before this was just puppy love.

Raging passion with a clear vision

Raging passion with no vision is for children. Clear vision with no passion leads to a dead end marriage. Where we should all be moving toward is to possess a raging passion with a clear vision.

This is the category you want to be in. These couples are still madly in love after decades of marriage. They long to be with each other and find the mundane routines of life to be a challenge to quickly overcome so that they can be gloriously reunited. They thrive with each other, laugh, play and experience the world together. They have personal goals and goals that they are working toward as a couple. Though they still acknowledge their own imperfections, they see the perfections of their spouse. These couples notice the positive. They work through challenges and disagreements with grace and skill always maintaining love and respect for each other.

Friedrich Nietzsche, the German poet and philosopher once stated, "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." Before you think of jumping off of the love boat because you can't seem to break out of the clear vision with no passion realm, consider a few alternatives that will help you re-fall in love with your spouse and regain that friendship you once had.

Create experiences

If you can't remember what happened yesterday you may be on autopilot. Staying on autopilot too long will strip the passion from your marriage. Snap out of it and do something together.

Make eye contact

How did you first get the attention of your spouse? That first gaze into each other's eyes created a powerful connection to your heart. Take a few minutes to look into the eyes of your spouse. This will help to create that spark that will lead to raging passion.

Talk

Instead of getting trapped in your smartphone, streaming media or video games, try having a conversation. Talk about whatever you want, ask questions and listen. Go for a walk around the block and talk about your hopes and dreams for the future.

Hold hands

Physical touch is one of the five love languages that will help keep your relationship strong. When you are together, hold hands. This simple act will help you stay connected to each other.

Nicholas Sparks wrote, "The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last." Be patient and work toward obtaining that raging passion and clear vision in your relationship. You can re-fall in love with your spouse and experience that same joy you once knew.

The post How to re-fall in love with your spouse appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
Ask these 3 questions for a happier marriage https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/ask-these-3-questions-for-a-happier-marriage/ Sun, 09 Feb 2014 14:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/ask-these-3-questions-for-a-happier-marriage/ Taking a personal inventory of ourselves and asking specific questions will help us to take our marriages to the next…

The post Ask these 3 questions for a happier marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>

Improving yourself, having fun and enjoying happiness with your spouse are all things that will help to strengthen your marriage. Taking a personal inventory of ourselves and asking specific questions will help us to take our marriages to the next level.

Here are a few questions you can regularly ask your spouse that will help to keep that flame of love burning bright:

How am I doing as a spouse?

There is nothing worse than finding out about your failures as a spouse from random people. If your spouse is telling the neighborhood, his or her family and everyone else other than you about your imperfections then some intervention is needed. To prevent this, give your spouse an opportunity to evaluate your performance by asking what you can do better in your relationship.

Humility is the key here. No matter how ridiculous you feel that the critique may be, do not invalidate your companion. Accept the way your spouse feels and try to see it from his or her point of view. Molding your behavior in a way that will please your spouse will bring you great rewards. As you regularly and lovingly ask each other how you can improve, your marriage will become stronger and stronger as the years go by.

Are we having fun yet?

Having something to look forward to with your spouse will help bind you together. Those couples that can smile and laugh together, that can play and have fun with each other have a glow that other couples do not possess. There is a burning fire of love and enthusiasm in their marriage, which is something worthy to strive for.

Set goals with each other. Make sure that you take time to work on those goals together. As the weeks and months pass by it can be easy to fall into the mundane routines of life. If you are not actively working toward something as a couple life will just pass on by. If you are struggling with ideas, 51 cheap dates for married couples provides fun activities. You should also get in the habit of setting and keeping goals together. Always have something to look forward to.

Are you happy?

True and lasting happiness is a deep desire that each of us have. Some seek for this happiness in possessions, others in recognition and some in worldly pleasures. The happiness found by living a moral and virtuous life, in connection with your religious principles, is a happiness that will not fade away.

There are some old sayings that reveal the wisdom in making sure that your spouse is happy, "A happy wife is a happy life," and another, "If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy." Regularly asking your spouse if he or she is happy will help you plot a course that will lead your family to greater happiness and satisfaction in life. If one of you is not fully satisfied with the course of your life than talk about how you can get on the path that will lead you both to greater happiness.

Happiness in marriage exists! Look for opportunities to improve your marriage by asking your spouse these questions on a regular basis.

The post Ask these 3 questions for a happier marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
How to remember your anniversary and avoid sleeping on the couch https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/how-to-remember-your-anniversary-and-avoid-sleeping-on-the-couch/ Fri, 07 Feb 2014 14:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/how-to-remember-your-anniversary-and-avoid-sleeping-on-the-couch/ When life gets busy, it can be easy to forget all of those important dates. Here are a few pointers…

The post How to remember your anniversary and avoid sleeping on the couch appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
Your wife likes to feel special. Recognizing certain milestones in your marriage can get you some serious bonus points. She may have specific dates that have special meaning to her and she wants you to remember them. Ask her what is important to her and make plans to acknowledge those special occasions.

There are some women out there that might not mind if you have forgotten a special date. According to a Men's Health poll, 75 percent of women don't let Valentine's Day slip their mind. This suggests that there are 25 percent of women out there that might just let you get away with forgetting. If you do remember a special day that your wife has forgotten, you will look amazing as you wow and impress her with your thoughtfulness.

Some dates your wife might like you to remember can include:

  • Your first date

  • Your first kiss

  • Your engagement

  • Her own and her family members' birthdays

  • Wedding anniversary

  • Holidays

Here are a few pointers that will keep you off of the couch because you forgot an important anniversary:

Keep a journal

Each time something memorable happens between you and your spouse, write it down. This can be anything outside the mundane routines of life. These experiences will be a treasure for your wife down the road. For example, as you read to her your thoughts and feelings about your first kiss several years down the road she will be awestruck with how amazing and romantic you are. This is a good way to help you remember dates, too. Keeping a journal will help you reach back into the past and bring back a beautiful memory or experience for you to enjoy any time you would like.

Utilize technology

Once a month on our "Monthiversary," I write my wife a special love note. If it was not for the use of technology, it is likely that I would have missed a month here and there over the years. The use of alarms, reminders or apps on your smart phone will keep you looking like you are on top of things when it comes to remembering those special dates. Figure out what works for you and use technology to your advantage.

Use a calendar

If you are not as tech savvy as you would like to be, there is another way for you to look like a stud when it comes to remembering special dates. Have a small calendar that you keep in a private place and can access when you need to have a reminder of the next special date on the horizon. This will help you keep track of the important dates and show your spouse that you won't forget such memorable events in your relationship.

Just going through the motions of life and not really noticing how fast the days and months flow by is an easy trap to fall in. When life gets a little rough, it can be easy to forget all of the good times. As we take a few moments during the special times to write them down, we can remind our love about all of the good times in our relationship. This will make for a beautiful reminder during life's challenges. Remember the times that you laugh together, the times you have had the most fun and the times when you have felt the closest to your love. Refreshing these moments in our lives will help bind you and your spouse together and keep you smiling through the challenging times.

The post How to remember your anniversary and avoid sleeping on the couch appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
3 ways to avoid withdrawal in your marriage https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/3-ways-to-avoid-withdrawal-in-your-marriage/ Sat, 01 Feb 2014 14:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/3-ways-to-avoid-withdrawal-in-your-marriage/ Withdrawal is one of the danger signs that predict divorce. Here are a few ways to help make those tough…

The post 3 ways to avoid withdrawal in your marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>

Every time you try to speak with him about something important, he shuts down. Why does he leave the room when a sensitive topic is brought up?

Guys are notorious for withdrawing. We like to go into our man cave where we can control the tempo of things. We understand that when conversations move to sensitive subjects things can get pretty tense and we prefer to live in our own little drama free world of peace and quiet. In their bestselling book, Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking when Stakes are High, the authors explain that most of us, men and women, tend to rely on silence (withdrawing from the conversation) or violence (name calling and other various forms of abuse) when we get involved in a tough conversation. Giving yourself the option of choosing between silence and violence is described as the "Fool's Choice."

When you withdraw from your spouse, you are walking on some dangerous ground. Withdrawal is an indicator that helps researchers predict divorce with surprising accuracy. In their book Fighting for your Marriage, the authors teach that "withdrawal and avoidance are different manifestations of a pattern in which one partner shows an unwillingness to get into or stay in important discussions." Perhaps we justify using withdrawal as a way to prevent ourselves from falling into one of the other danger signs that predict divorce, escalation.

The habit of withdrawing is a vicious cycle. The more one spouse pushes for an opportunity to resolve conflict the more the other will resist by withdrawing deeper and deeper into themselves. The authors of Crucial Conversations suggest ways that will help you engage in a tough conversation while avoiding responding with silence or violence. They encourage readers to present your mind with a question before you start your conversation, "How can I have a candid conversation with my husband about [insert topic here] and avoid creating bad feelings or [getting into an argument]?" This will allow your mind to come up with clever ideas that rise above the Fool's Choice.

Here are a few ideas that might help you stay peacefully in the conversation:

Start off on a positive

You may be tempted to just jump right in with a desire to fix the problem. Be patient. Start off by telling your spouse what you love about him. Talk about the wonderful experiences that you envision yourselves having in the future. Talk about how resolving the issue will help both of you find greater happiness in your relationship.

Have fun with it

There are a myriad of ways that you can resolve conflict and have fun doing it. I have heard of one family that uses opera as a technique to resolve challenges in their relationship. Every time they need to have a tough discussion, they do it in an operatic voice.

The speaker listener technique

Developing communication skills is vital to overcoming obstacles in marriage. One of the best skills that I have learned is the speaker listener technique. Each person takes turns speaking while his or her partner listens and paraphrases what the speaker said. This allows a couple to discuss tough topics in a respectful way that encourages mutual understanding.

Be patient with your spouse. Be patient with yourself. Your marriage can be a beautiful refuge from the chaos of the world. Instead of choosing between silence or violence, take the higher road and start off with something positive, have fun and use proven communication skills.

The post 3 ways to avoid withdrawal in your marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
Mind reading: I think he wants a divorce https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/mind-reading-i-think-he-wants-a-divorce/ Fri, 31 Jan 2014 19:09:03 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/mind-reading-i-think-he-wants-a-divorce/ In this, the last of a four part series, we discuss negative interpretation - one of the major warning signs…

The post Mind reading: I think he wants a divorce appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>

"I can't get ahold of my wife. I think she is cheating on me."

"He says he just wants some alone time. I don't think he loves me anymore."

A relationship that is plagued with negative interpretation is on the path to certain destruction. Negative interpretation is one of the major warning signs (along with escalation, withdrawal, and invalidation) which predict whether or not a couple's relationship will likely end in divorce. When we are in the habit of negative interpretation we assume that there is some dark purpose behind everything that our spouse says, does or fails to do. We automatically assume the worst case scenario. These assumptions are usually based on no evidence at all.

"You don't like my parents."

"You do that on purpose, just to upset me."

In their best-selling book Fighting for your Marriage

,the authors explain that "negative interpretations are good examples of mind reading. Mind reading occurs when you assume you know what your partner is thinking or why he or she did something." When you always assume the worst about your spouse, do not expect to have a decent conversation ... ever.

We all want to feel loved and appreciated. Thinking negatively about your spouse will create feelings that drive you apart. Learning how to avoid negative interpretation will help bring a greater measure of peace to your relationship. Here are a few ideas that might help eliminate negative interpretation from your marriage:

Assume the best

If you are going to mind read, do it in a positive way. Trust your spouse enough to assume the best. Try to come up with a list of positive things that your spouse may be thinking. If he doesn't seem excited to go to your parents' house for the holidays perhaps it's because he has been planning something special for you.

Be optimistic

You and your spouse are on the same team. Envision a beautiful and happy marriage. Think about and look forward to experiences that you will share that will bring you closer together. Remember all of the good times and the memories that you have already created with each other. Your optimism will leave no room for negative interpretation in your mind.

Communicate

The best way to find out what your spouse is thinking is by asking. Never assume what his motives are. If you are curious why your spouse said or did something, ask. He will be happy to explain his reasoning. As you set the stage for communication, do so in a respectful and peaceful way. Always begin with the positive things in your relationship and avoid any accusing speech.

If you find yourself falling into this mind reading trap of negative interpretation, remember your A, B, C's. Assume the best, Be optimistic and Communicate with each other. Knowing about and being able to recognize the destructive habit of mind reading will help you to combat it. Learn to avoid each of the danger signs that lead to divorce and you will find that peace in your marriage that will bring great joy to your life.

The post Mind reading: I think he wants a divorce appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
Invalidation: When it seems you are never good enough https://www.familytoday.com/self-care/invalidation-when-it-seems-you-are-never-good-enough/ Sat, 11 Jan 2014 00:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/invalidation-when-it-seems-you-are-never-good-enough/ Invalidating your spouse is one of the best ways to quickly destroy trust and confidence in your relationship.

The post Invalidation: When it seems you are never good enough appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
You are a pill. A worry wart. Stop crying. Quit being so dramatic. You whine too much. Stop worrying about it.

Each of these is a form of invalidation. Invalidation is an indicator that can predict whether or not you'll end up getting divorced. In the book, A Lasting Promise: The Christian Guide to Fighting for your Marriage,_we learn that invalidation "is a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other. Invalidation can take many forms. Another subtle form of invalidation occurs when you are expecting praise for some positive action that is ignored by your partner while some minor problem is highlighted."

Invalidating your spouse is one of the best ways to quickly destroy trust and confidence in your relationship. Imagine each expressed thought rebuked or criticized and every act of service and kindness minimized by the one you love. A relationship plagued with this habit will not last very long.

As an advocate for developing strong communication skills, Steve Hein has traveled the world teaching principles that help individuals and families improve their ability to communicate. He is an expert in recognizing signs of invalidation. In his free eBook, "EQ For Everybody: A Practical Guide to the Developing and Using One's Emotional Intelligence," Hein describes what invalidation looks like and how we might be able to avoid it.

Don't feel like that

When we tell someone to smile, be happy, stop whining or don't worry we are trying to control her feelings. Avoid telling your spouse how to feel.

Don't look like that

We invalidate her feelings when we tell her how to look, as well. Some people will say, "Stop looking so sad" or, "Don't look so upset." Give your spouse the freedom to look how she feels.

Trying to make you feel guilty

Instead of being helpful, we can throw on a guilt trip with phrases like "I tried to help... At least you..." These types of sentences do not really help but only minimize her feelings and impose guilt.

Isolating your feelings

Just because you do not currently feel the same way as your spouse does not mean that nobody else feels like she does. Isolating her feelings by telling her she is the only one that feels that way is a good way to drive a wedge between you.

Minimizing your feelings

This happens when we say things like "you're just being dramatic" or "It can't be that bad." In his mind, it really is that bad.

Applying labels or name calling

A wise man once told me that we act how we are treated. You apply labels to your loved ones by saying things like "you are a pill sometimes," "you are way too emotional" or "you are just a whiner." If you want to solidify this behavior, keep calling her names.

You should feel like this

Telling your love how she should feel is another subtle form of invalidation. By saying things like "you should be happy," you are rejecting the current feelings of your spouse.

Defending another person

You and your spouse are on the same team. When your husband or wife expresses frustration with how they were treated by someone else, always take the side of your spouse. The moment you defend the person who upset or frustrated your spouse is the moment you are no longer playing on the same team. Your spouse will feel betrayed.

Each of us is guilty of invalidating the feelings of others. The trick is to be more aware of the subtle ways in which we do it, then make a conscious effort to stop. Hein offers a few ideas to help combat invalidation through validation. He explains, "To validate someone is to accept, understand and nurture their feelings ... When we validate someone, we allow them to safely share their feelings and thoughts. We are reassuring them that it isΒ OK to have the feelings they have. Sometimes validation entails listening, sometimes it can be a hug or a gentle touch. Validation allows a person to release their feelings in a healthy, safe and supportive way."

Deepen and solidify your love by validating each other. As we learn to recognize the many forms of invalidation and avoid them, we will allow our spouse, our children and our loved ones to develop a healthy self-esteem.

The post Invalidation: When it seems you are never good enough appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
How to destroy your marriage with escalation https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/how-to-destroy-your-marriage-with-escalation/ Thu, 09 Jan 2014 00:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/how-to-destroy-your-marriage-with-escalation/ Attempting to slander your companion while trying to make yourself look good, will lead you down the path to divorce.

The post How to destroy your marriage with escalation appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
Certain habits are sure to destroy your marriage. One of those habits, escalation, is a principle described in A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage._ The authors describe how they can predict divorce with surprising accuracy by observing a couples' communication when resolving differences. When a couple engages in escalation, they increase their chances of heading down a path that will ultimately end with divorce.

What is escalation?

The authors explain, "Escalation occurs when partners respond back and forth negatively to each other, continually upping the ante so the conversation gets more and more hostile." You may be familiar with this in a different form. Imagine a group of mothers sitting together, one of them explains how her 3-year-old son colored a nice picture of a bug and managed to stay within the lines. The next mother then describes how her son actually drew a picture of a bug, followed by the next mother explaining how her son memorized the names of all the bugs that have ever lived and so forth.

When you escalate in your marriage, you are always trying to outdo your spouse. You attempt to slander your companion while elevating yourself. Escalation can be recognized with sarcasm, rolling your eyes, throwing your hands up in the air, yelling or making that letting air out of a tire sound. Each of these actions can lead to something even worse. As escalation continues, you will end up threatening each other with separation or divorce.

How does it affect your relationship?

The Bible teaches, "He that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile." (1 Peter 3:10 KJV) If you find yourself tempted to escalate by pointing out the perceived incompetence of your spouse, please remember that you should hold your tongue - if you want to have a good day. Once you say something, there is no taking it back. Words can have a powerful effect on us. Positive words have the power to build, encourage and inspire. Negative words can deeply wound and scar the sensitive emotions of an individual.

Think of your words as seeds. Each time you speak to your spouse, you are planting a seed in her heart. A wise man once said that a happy wife is a happy life. Happy words create a happy spouse. As you learn to control your words and your body language, as you refrain from speaking negatively about your spouse your relationship will blossom.

Positive escalation

Here is a secret I have learned to stay madly in love with your spouse. If you're going to escalate, escalate in a positive way. Anytime your spouse says something nice about you, respond with something nice as well. Just like negative escalation leads to divorce, positive escalation has the opposite effect. Keep praising your spouse. Point out all the good things. Encourage and speak highly of your companion and your relationship will be strengthened.

Make an effort to only speak good about your spouse. As you remember that you are on the same team, every day will be a good day.

The post How to destroy your marriage with escalation appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>