Adoption always comes with loss. No matter what the situation, at least some part of the adoption triad (birthparents, child, adoptive parents) has experienced loss. Often all three. Because it's such an emotionally-charged topic, we thought we'd give you some tips on talking with friends and family who are in the adoption process or who have already brought their child home.

1. Don't compare the adoption process to pregnancy

Many prospective adoptive parents have been through years of painful infertility, and hearing that their process is like a pregnancy may be hurtful. Sometimes the differences in adoption and pregnancy/childbirth are glaringly obvious for adoptive parents. I remember sitting in the waiting room during Cy's birth and saying to Matt, "I never thought I'd be in the waiting room waiting for my child to be born." Few of us picture that or the many other moments that come with adoption.

2. Follow the adoptive parents' lead to monitor your excitement

If they are ready for baby/child showers before the placement of the child, go for it. If they want to wait until they feel more confident that it will actually happen, please respect that and wait. I can't tell you how many adoption situations have been presented to us, and we've always been very careful about how much information we've shared because we know things can change very quickly. The same is true for accepting gifts. We just weren't comfortable until the revocation period was over.

3. Don't talk about your own fears unless you're asked

Even then, please make sure you only share informed opinions. Open adoption can be scary for family and friends who aren't educated in the realities and benefits of openness. Asking prospective adoptive parents to give you resources or educate you is a great way to get involved in the process. Please remember that children are precious, regardless of their genes. Comments like, "Adoption is scary "¦ you just never know what you're gonna get" are insensitive and hurtful. Not to mention the fact that we have no idea what our biological children will be like either, right?

4. Treat the homecoming similarly to if they'd just delivered a child

Offer to bring meals, help with older siblings, etc. For infant adoption, remember that they're just as tired as you were when you brought your biological child home from the hospital. (I've done both). And post-adoption depression is just as real and difficult as post-partum depression.

5. Keep your curiosity to yourself

I know this is difficult. We're naturally curious, especially about situations in which we're inexperienced. However, the story of a child's biological family and the reasons that child was placed for adoption are the child's story. Children should have the freedom to share their stories when they're ready, if they're ready. Also, the financial aspect of their adoption is none of your business. Please don't ask how much it cost, especially in a rude, inaccurate way like, "So how much did he cost?" Adoptive families don't buy babies. They do, however, pay an agency, attorney, and often help with expenses for the birth family.

6. Please, for the love, don't tell an infertile, adoptive mom that she'll probably get pregnant now.

Because that happens all the time! First, adoption doesn't take away the pain of infertility. So your comment may be hurtful. Second, the surprise-pregnancy-immediately-following-adoption thing doesn't actually happen all the time. Adoptions don't magically activate ovulation or erase other factors that cause infertility. (Side note: saying "just relax" doesn't help either).

7. Refrain from comparing an adopted child's struggles to your biological child's

Yes, some issues may seem the same, but issues in an adopted child's life are multi-layered. Saying "all kids do that" or "that's normal" may seem to you like you're normalizing the behavior and encouraging the adoptive parent. However, it may be that you don't understand all of the facets of adoptive families. This is especially true with older child adoption. Their "behavior problems" come with years of history and hurt. Even with infant adoption, families look at issues through different filters than you. When Cy was a preschooler, he'd say very hurtful things in anger. Hearing, "I wish you weren't my mom" is hard for any mom to hear. But because I have children through birth and adoption, I can say with certainty that hearing a comment like that feels very different when it comes from an adopted child.

8. Treat and talk about the adopted children with respect

Don't ask adoptive parents if they have (or will have) children of their own. Our adopted children are ours, and they aren't second-best. Don't assume all non-white children are from other countries. Asking if a family adopted domestically or internationally is completely fine and much better than assuming.

9. Don't treat adoptive parents like saints or saviors

They're neither.

10. Use positive adoption language

For instance, people have often said, "Your boys look so much alike, they could be real brothers." The intent is good, but the delivery is lacking. Our boys are real brothers. They are not biological brothers. And they've never entertained the idea that their genes would keep them from being "real" brothers. We'd like to keep it that way.

What other questions do you have about how to talk with your friends and family involved in adoption?

The post The do’s and don’ts for talking with adoptive families appeared first on FamilyToday.

We all want our kids to get along. In fact, most of us would dare to say we want our kids to be friends with each other. Unfortunately, parents who dreamed of watching their children play together as they grew up often feel more like referees who never get a break. Although we're still figuring out the dynamic with three kids, we've had our two boys for almost seven years. They get along ridiculously well. Some of it is personality, and some of it is because we have intentionally tried to create an environment where they would naturally grow to be friends.

Here are some tips we've learned along the way for cultivating sibling friendships:

1. Give them space

Our 9-year-old son needs alone time. He needs quiet, and he needs breaks from being a big brother. Although he doesn't do it every day, we have told him since he became a brother that he is always welcome to spend time in his room alone when he needs it. We respect and protect that time, which often means keeping younger siblings out of his room.

As an introvert, I understand his need to be alone and quiet to recharge. Our younger two don't need time alone, and that's OK too. But in respecting Will's time alone, we're helping them understand that different people have different needs. It helps Will stay patient with his brother and sister, and it gives the younger two time to play together. We also never force them to play together. We respect their literal and figurative space.

2. Don't make them share

At least not everything. We think sharing is a lot easier when you don't have to share every single thing. Each of our kids has at least a few toys or books that are just for him or her. They can share those things if and when they choose, but only then. Siblings aren't allowed to go in the others' rooms or mess with their stuff without permission. Being a kid is hard enough. Having some personal property makes it a little easier. It's also a great way to teach boundaries.

3. Build a team

No, you don't need to have enough children to make a literal team. Thank goodness. But you can foster an environment of teamwork within your family. When we accomplish something together, whether something small like cleaning out my car or something bigger like finishing a long hike when we all wanted to quit, we celebrate our teamwork. I'm usually the dork saying, "Team Whitson!"

When little K first came home, she didn't want to be a Whitson. We didn't push it, but we started talking a lot about Team Whitson. With any little accomplishment, we would say, "Go Team Whitson!" Eventually, she started saying, "I want to be a part of Team Whitson!" And we were able to assure her that she already was and always would be. This also goes for how we speak to them about when they're away from us. They know to always stick up for each other because they're a team.

4. Limit friend time

Our kids are 9, almost 7, and almost 5 (they would be so happy I clarified that). We value the friendships they have, but at these ages, most of their friend time happens at school or with their baseball teams. Their play at home occasionally includes cousins or one of the kids on our street, but most often they play together. And they like it. Because TV time is limited too, their imaginations are free to go wild as they build memories with each other.

5. Stop playing referee

Unless our kids are about to do major damage to each other (and they have), we try not to interfere. If we constantly referee their fights, we are silently teaching them that we don't trust them to work it out themselves. And no matter what we say, each child will likely feel like we're siding with the other. Problem-solving is a very valuable skill, but your child won't have the chance to learn it if you jump in to do it for him every time. And believe me, we know it's tempting, if only to buy yourself a few moments of quiet.

6. Spend quality time with each child individually

Although this seems more like a parent-child relationship building, and it is that, it is also a great way to combat sibling rivalry. When children's love tanks are full, they are much less likely to compete for the attention of their parents. Because they already have it. Sibling rivalry is normal and cannot be completely eliminated, but I'm not sure if we actually want it to be. As crazy as it makes us to hear our kids fight, we also know they are learning valuable skills that they'll use for the rest of their lives. Our first social interactions with peers are almost always with siblings. What a wonderful way to teach our kids how to relate to others, problem-solve, and be kind when we don't feel like it.

These are just some of the ways we've helped our kids be friends with each other. What has worked in your family?

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He's not who you dreamed he'd be. You'd live outdoors if you could, but he doesn't like hunting or fishing. Or being outside at all for that matter. He wants to read all the time in the comfort of his room.

She's not what you thought of when you found out you were having a daughter. You love fashion and makeup, but she wouldn't keep bows in her hair from day one. And now you can't get her to wear anything but basketball shorts and T-shirts.

Many parents feel a strain to connect with children who aren't like them. Maybe it's the same gender child, and he or she is completely opposite of you. Or maybe the opposite gender child is so far from your comfort zone, you can't figure out how to relate to them at all. When parents feel that disconnect, they often feel immense guilt. Do I love the other child more? Will I ever connect to him? Will I ever get along with her the way I want to?

First, know this is a normal parent experience. If you feel more naturally connected to one child, especially one who is similar to you, that is normal and common. You are not a bad parent. It only makes sense that it would be easier to understand and communicate with someone who thinks like you. Rest in the fact that it's a common parent experience. But it can get better. We're here to help you build that connection.

Here are three ways to connect with a child who's not like you

1. Change your mindset

This is easier said than done, we know. Start to look for the great characteristics of your child. Your child is the living, breathing handiwork of God. And He doesn't make mistakes. When He made you different from each other, it was on purpose. Try writing down three positive things about your child each day to train yourself to look for the good. Negative thinking can be overwhelming (and self-perpetuating) if we don't get it under control.

2. Let them take the lead

Maybe your child is a quiet introvert, and you thrive in large groups. If you force him into loud, social settings constantly, you're probably not going to like him much. Nor will he really enjoy you either! Letting your child lead your time together is the best way to learn who he is and see him in the best light. If you're always choosing the activities and trying to force your child into your interests, she's sure to disappoint you and frustrate you with her behavior. But when you can see her in her element, you'll start to appreciate who she really is and the beauty of how God made her.

3. Become the student

Let your child teach you something that he loves to do. Whether your child is different from you in gender or temperament, he always has something to teach you. Maybe it's Lego Star Wars, My Little Pony, or in my case any sport at all, letting your child teach you something is helpful in many ways. Children feel pride in knowing more than their parents and can't wait to show off their knowledge. They feel incredibly special to know that a parent is interested in what they like and actually want to learn about it!

I've also been able to see which of our words have stuck with them in the past. My kids often encourage me when I'm learning using the same words I've used when I'm teaching them. The days I've spent learning to swing a baseball bat or hearing about the correct way to shoot a deer have also included some of the sweetest words from my sons as they've modeled patience and grace to me.

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