Whether we like it or not, we outsource all the time. The whole idea of outsourcing is to hire out a specific job to someone who can do it cheaper or faster. Outsourcing can end up being a great thing overall for companies and individuals (from a strictly financial viewpoint) even if it means the loss of employees or experiences in the process. However, when we "outsource" our parenting, the results are harmful to families and communities.

It may be hard to imagine, but most parents "outsource" ALL of the time. Honestly answer the following questions to see if you outsource:

1. Are your kids involved in so many sports that you need to coordinate schedules with yourself, your spouse AND each one of your children?

2. Do you have a hard time remembering when the last time EVERYONE was sitting at the dinner table at the same time for the same meal?

3. Is your family schedule so packed during the week that there is hardly any time for everyone to do everything they have to?

4. Do you find yourself thinking, "I don't remember being so busy when I was a kid?"

If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, chances are, you have outsourced your parenting. Sometimes outsourcing can be helpful to a family member or to the whole family, but if done too much, it can be harmful.

Why we outsource

In, Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in Turbulent Times, William Doherty, Ph.D., describes the consumerist peer pressure that many parents face. The very reason you might have answered "yes" to any of the questions above is because you fell into the parenting peer pressure trap. For instance, Dr. Doherty (2000) describes families who are devastated about a rejection letter from preschool for their 3-year-old child due to "immaturity," or who willingly hold back their child in first grade, not for academic reasons, but to make sure their child is the oldest on a sports team "¦ 10 years later. While these examples are extreme, some you might be familiar with are:

1) Enrolling children in more than one sport or activity per year.

When considering enrolling children in a sport or activity, take into account that each activity will likely come with some sort of mandated in-home practice. If a child has soccer, piano and choir, that equates to about two-three hours of practice each night, not including homework. If scouting or religious meetings are part of your family, the hours quickly add up.

2) Doing household chores (i.e. dishes, pulling weeds, mowing the lawn) yourself, instead of having a child do these tasks.

When I meet with a family and ask about chores, the most common complaint is, "I can NEVER get them to do anything around the house." Instead, the parents are tasked with keeping the house maintained, taxing their kids all over town for different activities, cook dinner and help with homework.

3) Purchasing 'non-essentials' for kids.

Non-essentials can be video games, computers, phones, tablets, music or a car. The rationale I hear from parents about this topic is, "they are so involved in soccer, piano, choir, violin, baseball, and the chess club, and they have no time to earn money..."

Each of these examples includes the outsourcing of some essential parenting behavior or lesson, such as: good sportsmanship, hard work, earning money, saving money toward a goal, patience, commitment, time-management and goal attainment.

At the outset, it may not seem like a bad thing, but as Clayton Christenson, Ph.D., explains in, How Will You Measure Your Life, the negative impact of outsourcing is subtle. Outsourcing the development of our children's processes, the ability to pull from resources to do new things, creates long-term effects. When children are involved in too many activities, the values and processes they could develop by participating in one or two activities become overshadowed by burnout, competition, and anxiety about "failing." Providing too many resources (i.e. activities, "non-essentials," or lack of responsibility) contributes to the consumerist culture Doherty (2000) warned about. Children don't learn the processes needed to succeed in life (i.e. by working hard and getting paid, I can save up for a car, a phone or tablet). Without these processes, children will have a more difficult time becoming responsible as adults.

How to help

Both Christensen (2012) and Doherty (2000) have some good recommendations on how to use resources effectively and reduce outsourcing. A combination of their recommendations is below:

• Ask yourself, "What will my children learn from this activity, and how can I support these lessons at home?"

• Go deep, not wide. Encourage the development of specific talents and skills that you see in your child.

• Involve your child in the decision-making process. Impose an upper limit on the amount of activities in which a child can enroll, and then discuss with your child which activities they want to be involved in.

• Determine certain times during the week that will be "family time," and do not let ANYTHING interfere. If a soccer team will punish a child for missing an activity, and that activity interferes with family time, don't enroll in that soccer team. This can be adjusted, as long as the whole family agrees.

• Dedicate yourself and your family to community involvement. Do things as a family that contribute to the community and provides your family opportunities to serve.

The most important thing to remember is that when we outsource any part of our parenting, we need to be deliberate about why and how it will benefit ourselves, our children, and our families.

The post Stop outsourcing your parenting appeared first on FamilyToday.

Raising the Emotionally Intelligent Child

, by John Gottman, PhD. Dr. Gottman's classical parenting book highlights the research he and his team conducted along with the important findings they discovered. Among their discoveries was a concept called "Emotion Coaching." This parenting style is more than just a technique. It is a way of being around and interacting with children that helps them acknowledge and understand the complex emotions they experience. I have personally used this style of parenting with all of my children. My wife and I have seen immense improvements in the way our children handle their emotions.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk

, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Another "classic" in parenting literature, Faber and Mazlish use a series of entertaining and useful comics to better display the skills taught, in practice. The book is organized in a helpful and progressive way. I highly recommend reading it from cover to cover so the skills taught can build upon each other.

Playful Parenting

, by Lawrence Cohen, PhD. Dr. Cohen describes the important role that playing with children has on their development and on your parenting. Supported by research, Dr. Cohen examines different ways parents can enhance the parent-child relationship through play. As a play therapist, I have seen children's behavior problems decrease when parents start using play in addition to their other parenting skills.

Living with Children

, by Gerald R. Patterson, PhD. As the title suggests, Dr. Patterson gives parents hope that it is possible to live with your children, not just tolerate them. Dr. Patterson begins the book with a research based explanation about how children learn behaviors from the family environment. The remaining chapters teach different skills and techniques discovered through research to be most helpful for parents and children. Most importantly Dr. Patterson presents information about "normal" families that will be comforting to most parents.

Parents and Adolescents Living Together: Parts 1 & 2

, by Gerald R. Patterson, PhD and Marion S. Forgatch, PhD. This two-part book series written by Dr. Patterson (from Living with Children) and Dr. Forgatch is much like Living with Children but geared specifically toward parents and teenagers. It's updated with skills and techniques applicable to families struggling with teenage angst. Once again, the information is supported by years of intense research, giving parents the assurance that the suggestions will be effective.

The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

, by Tracy Hogg and Melinda Blau. Like most parents of small children, my wife and I struggled to understand how to "sleep train" our children with minimal frustration and harm to us and them. After reading many of the big name books, my wife stumbled across this one. As we read it together I fell in love with the approach. Most importantly to me, the skills taught by Hogg and Blau coincided with my study of child development and attachment theory. Hogg and Blau offer a balanced approach that I think most parents will agree with. I recommend this book over all the other famous baby books on the market.

The Explosive Child

, by Ross Greene, PhD. Dr. Greene's approach to helping children who have an "explosive tendency" is tremendously helpful. Dr. Greene explains how children with explosive tendencies think and what a parent can do to ward off future explosions. Gaining the skills of Collaborative Problem Solving is essential for parents of explosive children.

Nurture Shock

, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. At first I ignored this book, largely due to the title. But when I finally picked it up and read through it, I was pleasantly surprised. Bronson and Merryman did a wonderful job of condensing years of parenting research and showing how to apply it in real life. I recommend this book after reading some of the others above.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

, by John Gottman, PhD. Even though this is a list of good parenting books, one way to ensure good parenting is to make sure you have a solid marital relationship. Again Dr. Gottman delivers with this essential book on making your marriage work.

The Truth About Children and Divorce

, by Robert Emery, PhD. Another important book about parenting for divorced or separated parents. Dr. Emery uses the best research available to help parents be the best for their children.

The post The best parenting books: Recommendations from a therapist appeared first on FamilyToday.

TheĀ five warning signs you should seek marriage counseling:

• Criticism: Attacks on the character of your partner, such as "What's wrong with you? Why can't you keep the house clean?"¯ Any global, negative labels that undermine your partner's character would be a criticism.

• Contempt: A general disgust for your partner. This is often conveyed in nonverbal communication such as eye rolling, sneering, or physical distance. A more severe form of contempt could include aggression, anger or threats toward your partner.

• Defensiveness: Refusal to admit any fault regarding the problems in the relationship. This can create an atmosphere non-conducive to compromise and further the chances of a deadlock.

• Stonewalling: When one partner becomes so overwhelmed by real or perceived attacks, they will stand like a "stonewall"¯ by not giving any verbal or physical feedback. This tends to create more anger in the "perusing"¯ partner. Extreme cases of stonewalling may look like the silent treatment.

• The Four Horsemen- John Gottman, Ph.D discovered there are four behavior patterns that are destructive to relationships. He calls them the "Four Horsemen"¯ (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) because if they are present, divorce may be likely. The four horsemen are defined as follows (if any of the Four Horsemen are present in your relationship, seeking marriage counseling is a good idea):

• Lack of Connection Time - At some point in everybody's life, things get too busy, and we tend to put less energy into the things that matter most, like relationships. The average couple only gets betweenĀ seven and 20 minutes per day connecting with each other in a meaningful way. This is clearly not too great. So if you find yourself going days or weeks without connecting meaningfully, do whatever you can to steal time for just the two of you. If you still feel a distance after making attempts to connect, it is time to see a marriage counselor.

• Mental Illness - It goes without saying that if one or both of you have a mental illness you should be receiving some form of treatment. However, marriage counseling can help ensure your marriage stays in good health.

• Stressful Life Events - Occasionally events in life get too stressful for a relationship to handle. Job loss, death of a loved one, bankruptcy, severe injury or illness, legal problems and other common life events cause a tremendous strain on relationships. While it is important to take care of the event causing stress, getting marriage counseling throughout the process can help increase the odds of avoiding one of the other most common stressful life events: divorce.

• Diminishing Affection - "Growing apart"¯ or "falling out of love"¯ are both results of diminishing affection between spouses. When couples become stuck in ruts and lose sight of their love, it is easy for them to be complacent in showing affection. However, affection helps keep the love alive and flourishing. There are many different reasons for loss of affection in marriage. Therefore when you notice a slow lag in affection, see a marriage counselor to help kick start your marriage.

Above are some of the most common pitfalls that most marriages face. If addressed early, there is a very good likelihood of success and continued happiness in marriage. The "easy"¯ couple I mentioned at the beginning knew this. Their therapy lasted only four sessions, and their relationship is still going strong.

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