I was raised in a religious household, and I can remember sitting in the pews with my legs swinging several inches above the floor listening to speakers standing behind the pulpit telling me happiness was a choice. If I wanted to be happy, I just had to decide to be happy. Easy, peasy, lemon-squeezy.

I didn't believe them.

Thirty-plus years later, I still don't believe them.

When you can't choose happiness

After seventh grade, when my family moved across the country leaving the only home I'd ever known, I wasn't happy. And I couldn't choose to be happy because I was sad. I missed my friends. I missed my house. I missed my bedroom with the tree next to the window that I climbed down whenever I needed to run away for an hour or two. I was sad until I made new friends, got comfortable in a new home and learned I could climb out my bedroom window on the first floor without the use of a tree.

When my husband's father passed away, my husband was grief-stricken. He couldn't choose to be happy. He missed his father's wisdom and laughter and the guidance he'd come to rely on. He did feel happy again but not right away.

When my brother-in-law was wrongfully accused of a crime he didn't commit and lost his job as a result, he couldn't choose to be happy. He was devastated, afraid and unsure how his family was going to survive.

Why you must feel grief

You can't always choose to be happy because life has ups and downs. In fact, as grief therapist Emily Page Hatch says:

"The only way to get through grief is to go through it."

Ignoring how you feel and pretending to be happy when you're not shuts out the very support you need to heal. Painful feelings that are avoided can be harmful to our health and they often resurface even stronger later on.

You need to feel your difficult feelings if you want to get through them.

What joy can do for you

A couple of years ago, my husband's company sold unexpectedly and he suddenly found himself without a job. We're a single-income family with four children, so that was a terrifying experience. But amid our feelings of fear, we managed to take advantage of the time he had off.

My husband spent most of his time looking for a new job, of course, but we also took time to go for walks together every day. We ate our meals together and did other things that brought us joy, even though we were scared.

That turned out to be a special time in our lives. I wouldn't describe us as "happy," because we were filled with uncertainty, but we look back on those months fondly. They are full of good memories and warm feelings because we let the stress bring us together instead of pull us apart.

So, yes, there are times in life when you can't just choose to be happy. Life isn't always full of unicorns and rainbows or even silver linings. Some circumstances are simply awful, and there's no way around that; but you can choose to do things that bring you joy.

How to choose joy when you can't choose happiness

You can choose to take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. You can choose to feel the wind tussle your hair and listen to the sound of the leaves under your feet. You can choose to do things that feel good, even when you're sad or scared. You can choose to give yourself a respite from your feelings, knowing that it won't change your circumstances or flip a switch to make you "happy," but it may help you cope by reminding you of all there is to love about this life.

Joy is more than happiness. It's deeper and more complex, purer and more enduring.

Joy originates in the center of your soul. It's what stabilizes and sustains you, not in the absence of your troubles, but through them. If happiness is what waits on the other side of your sadness, then joy is what lives inside you all along.

Joy is where serenity originates. Joy is all around us when we're open to it. Pay attention to people that make you smile and things that fill your body with peace. Discover where joy resides for you and immerse yourself in those things and surround yourself with those people.

When I teach dance classes, I teach my students to balance by helping them find their center of gravity. If they can find their center, then they can balance on their toes, on one foot, when they spin and when they jump. Joy is your spiritual center of gravity. Finding it doesn't mean you will avoid the twists and turns, but it will help you stay on your feet.

This article was originally published on The Good Men Project It has been republished here with permission.

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If modern science is correct, it seems somewhere between 50 to 80 percent of our happiness is determined not by our circumstances but by our genetics. It also seems the majority of us are programmed to be wound up tight full of stress and anxiety.

Evolutionarily speaking, this makes sense. If you imagine two rabbits standing at the edge of a clearing looking at an abundance of fresh food in the center, at least one of them needs enough courage to venture out and get the food; but, in order for their genes to survive, it's also important for one to stay hidden in case there is danger lurking nearby. For maximum survival of a species, most of the members must be careful (somewhat worried or stressed) with only a few willing to confront the danger.

The trouble with evolutionary theories is that we are human. We don't only exist and evolve; we experience and reflect on our feelings. Living in a constant state of worry or stress - like many of us do - is unpleasant and unhealthy. It's hard to feel happy when you're too busy being careful.

So what are your options if genetics have left you feeling less than satisfied with your life?

There are four things you can do to overcome your natural ways of responding to your circumstances.

Identify

We all have two thought streams running through our minds: an intentional or conscious thought stream and an automatic or subconscious thought stream. Generally, it's the subconscious thought stream - where our survival instinct resides - that holds us back. If we can learn to recognize and tap into that subconscious thought stream, we can retrain it in a way that feels more satisfying to our conscious thought stream.

We call this mindfulness, and meditation is the primary way to practice it. There are plenty of resources you can find to guide you through it.

For those of you who struggle to meditate, mindfulness can be learned in other ways like through writing.

And for those of you who believe you lack the time to practice mindfulness, you might enjoy "The Miracle of Mindfulness" or "Peace is Every Step" by Thich Nhat Hanh. Both books will teach you how to incorporate mindfulness into your everyday life.

Retrain

Once you've learned to identify the thoughts that are holding you back, you can start the retraining process. Cognitive therapy is a time-tested and effective methodology for retraining your thoughts.

If you're not a big fan of therapy, that's okay because cognitive therapy has been around long enough for there to be some helpful resources you can use at home on your own. Two of my favorites are "The Feeling Good Handbook" and "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life." Both books are full of information and exercises to help you gradually retrain or reprogram your natural inclinations.

Heal

According to Dr. Jonathan Haidt, stress kills the cells in your brain that are supposed to turn off your stress. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. The good news is the cycle can be broken with four to five weeks of antidepressant use.

For those who don't want prescriptive medication, there is an herbal antidepressant called St. John's Wort you can purchase over the counter. Please be aware, however, that it is not FDA approved. Its effectiveness varies, and it can interfere with a variety of other drugs you might be taking. The best way to take this step is under the supervision of a doctor.

Exercise

(But not the way you think)

Finally, you probably know a proper diet and physical exercise can build your resistance to sickness and disease. But what you might not know is there is such a thing as mental exercise,which can increase your resistance to depression, self-doubt and discouragement.

Mental wellness workouts are exercises and activities that have been scientifically proven to boost your mental health by giving you more confidence, creativity and energy. They might not make you sweat like traditional workouts, but if you actually do the work (as opposed to merely considering it), you will find many of them just as taxing.

Here's an example: every day for two weeks, recall and physically write down three good things that have happened to you. This might seem silly at first, but research has shown that within 15 days of doing this exercise, severely depressed individuals experience improvement, their depression becoming moderate or even mild. And 94 percent experience relief.

When used together, these concepts work. Perhaps you've been afraid that if therapy works for you, you're going to be stuck visiting a therapist forever. You might also be worried that if you start medication, you'll be relying on putting a foreign substance into your body forever. But that's not necessarily true. If you're willing to make your mental health a daily priority, it's possible to learn the skills you need to feel good consistently.

Your genetics may have determined who you are, but they don't have to decide who you'll become.

This article was originally published on The Good Men Project. It has been republished here with permission.

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For most of recorded history, psychology has focused on studying what makes people unhappy. Only within the last 20 years have psychologists started actively studying what makes people feel good, so there's now substantial data verifying things your grandmother has probably been telling you for years.

Scientists have learned that just like treating a physical illness doesn't make a person healthy unless they are also exercising, eating well and caring for themselves, treating mental illness doesn't necessarily make a person feel good unless they are also taking proper care of themselves. In addition to treating mental illness with things like medication and therapy, there are exercises you can do to actively promote mental health and well-being. Here are a few examples.

Gratitude

How many times did your grandmother remind you to count your blessings and be grateful for what you have? Well, she was right. Research shows people who write down 5 things they are grateful for once a week feel more optimistic and satisfied with their lives. They also report better health and spend more time exercising.

Self-awareness

We all have 2 thought streams continuously running through our minds: a conscious thought stream and a subconscious thought stream. By tapping into and becoming aware of our subconscious thought stream, we can influence how we feel.

One of the best ways to do this is to spend 15 minutes a day free writing whatever thoughts come into your mind without concern for spelling or punctuation. Use this time to make sense of things that happen in your life and to look for good things that can come from them. Research shows people who did this regularly healed old emotional wounds, decreased their stress, improved their relationships and boosted their immune systems.

Optimism

If you're not a naturally optimistic person, optimism can feel unrealistic and even annoying, but people who practice optimism are less likely to suffer from depression, more likely to persevere in the face of challenges and more likely to be successful. With practice, optimism is a skill that can be learned.

Try making note of any pessimistic thoughts that cross your mind, then attempt to replace them with a more positive outlook. With practice, thinking more positively can become habitual.

Novelty

Believe it or not, a study showed that a year after either winning the lottery or being paralyzed in an accident, people were nearly as happy as they had been before. Humans can adapt to almost anything.

Continually trying new things to avoid adapting to the "same old" routine is one of the best ways to promote happiness. Trying something new on a regular basis-even something as simple as watching a movie outside of your typical genre-can help you safely experience new emotions and keep life feeling fresh.

Not over-thinking

Self-awareness is valuable, but there is such a thing as over-thinking. Experts have found when you spend too much time ruminating, it can worsen feelings of sadness and interfere with your ability to solve problems. It can also drain your motivation and break up your concentration.

If you are an over-thinker, it's a good idea to find an activity, like exercising for example, that is engaging and engrossing enough to reliably hold your attention. This way, whenever you find yourself starting to over-think something, you can quickly distract yourself with that activity.

Connection

Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky says, "The centrality of social connections to our health and well-being cannot be overstressed." Likewise, in his book about drug addiction, Johann Hari wrote, "Connection is the opposite of addiction," and he makes a compelling case for why this is true.

As humans, we are social creatures who cope best with the support of one another. Without social support, it is much more likely we will turn to addictive substances and activities to soothe ourselves when we face difficulties.

Investing time to maintain social connections is not only fun, but it will also help you stay healthy when confronting challenges. Setting aside time to call or meet a friend at least once a week can dramatically improve how you feel.

Kindness

Your grandmother undoubtedly instructed you to be kind, as have most philosophers, writers and religious thinkers. Because of this, the benefits of being kind probably won't feel surprising. Research shows people who go out of their way to do kind things for others experience significant improvements in their levels of happiness.

What might be surprising is that acts of kindness that happen as a part of your normal routine don't seem to have the same effect. Apparently, it's the act of consciously going out of your way to help someone else that makes you feel good.

One final thing to keep in mind while practicing mental wellness-based on studies of twins, researchers estimate approximately 50% of our happiness is genetic. We all have what they call a happiness set point. It's similar to a weight set point. We can influence our weight to some degree by how we eat and exercise; but, left unchecked, there's a certain weight we tend to maintain. Similarly, we can influence how we feel with certain exercises; but, left unchecked, there's a certain level of happiness we tend to maintain.

For some people, feeling good will come more easily and last longer than for others. Don't get discouraged if your genetic set point means you have to work harder than someone else. Be gentle with yourself and take a long-term vision. Practicing healthy habits will influence and improve how you feel over time, even if your results are not as immediate as someone else's.

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When I was in 4th grade, my teacher did something that changed my life. She gave me a coloring book and a box of crayons before she started reading aloud. All of my previous teachers had read aloud too; but in 4th grade, I started listening. Having a coloring page and permission to use it prevented me from getting distracted. Suddenly, I could focus; I could pay attention to every word coming out of her mouth.

Meditating is difficult for me. I can't focus on my own thoughts long enough to remember I'm supposed to be focusing on my own thoughts, or my breath, or the present moment. But the benefits of mindfulness are well documented:

1. Mindfulness increases self-awareness.

2. Mindfulness improves the ability to regulate your behavior.

3. Mindfulness is associated with a decrease in stress.

4. Mindfulness is associated with a decrease in mood disturbance.

Clearly, mindfulness is worthwhile. Perhaps, with enough guided practice, I could learn to meditate; there is mounting evidence brains can change. However, I've learned to be mindful through writing.

My 4th-grade teacher changed the course of my scholastic career by giving me something to do while I listened, and I want to do the same thing for those of you who, like me, find it challenging to listen to yourself.

Start writing

I don't mean sit down at a keyboard and attempt to pound out polished pieces ready for publication. I mean sit down with a pen and paper and write without concern for spelling, punctuation or even a subject. Just write. See where your pen takes you when you have no intentions behind it. Even if you have to write, "I can't think of anything to write," several times until a thought actually enters your mind, keep writing. The thoughts you have a hard time paying attention to will naturally show up on the page.

Do a morning brain cleanse

I love starting my day with a 30-minute brain cleanse (that's what I like to call unedited, stream-of-consciousness style writing). When I take the time to do it, I learn a lot about myself including why I do the things I do, how I feel about recent and not-so-recent experiences and the direction in which I want to take my day and my life. I credit the majority of my self-awareness to morning brain cleanses. Psychologist Jonathan Haidt suggests writing with this in mind: "Why did this happen and what good might I derive from it?"

Discover more about yourself

Prayer and meditation offer many of the same benefits, but writing has the added bonus of being recorded. Over time I can look back and identify patterns and gain insights I wouldn't be able to otherwise.

For example, I hung out with boys a lot more than girls when I was young, and I got teased a lot, just like the rest of the boys. Most of the time, the teasing was affectionate; and, for most of my life, I told myself I didn't mind. After a few months of brain cleansing, though, I could see that even good-natured, affectionate teasing hurt my feelings (and still does). I hated to admit that. I wanted to enjoy the banter the same way the guys around me seemed to, but I couldn't deny the sentiments I had written. Unedited words from your mind don't lie.

Heal old wounds

My morning free-writes showed me I had years of built-up hurt and scars that were interfering with my ability to be me. Rather than being the passionate, carefree, sometimes eccentric, personality that I am, I had become timid, inhibited, and unsure all because I wanted to avoid being teased.

If we're not mindful, if we squash our feelings and pretend they don't exist, then this state of avoidance can become permanent and change who we are.

If we acknowledge we've been hurt, though, we can recover, no matter how long it's been. In fact, research shows that people who wrote like this-uninhibitedly, introspectively-for just 15 minutes a day and used it as a learning opportunity to make sense of their lives actually healed old emotional wounds, decreased their stress, improved their relationships and boosted their immune systems.

Just like cuts and wounds heal with proper care, feelings can too. We can look for reassurance and evidence that the shame we've experienced does not define us, that we are valuable and worthwhile. We can cleanse the wound so it will heal without a scar or help our pre-existing scars fade.

Become free again

Can you imagine what your life would look like with nothing holding you back?

Mindfulness shows you what your inhibitions are and where they come from so you can begin the work of unwinding your truths and unlocking the carefree child inside you, releasing countless ideas that pain and shame have kept hidden away.

I remember the energetic and creative little girl I was, and you know what? I like her! There are people who don't, of course, but that's okay because the connections and relationships I make when I'm being true to myself are meaningful and fulfilling enough to heal the hurt I feel when I'm rejected. And I'm not sure I would have realized that without writing every day.

So, grab a notebook and pen and start scrubbing. You might not be aware of any scars yet. When I started, I wasn't either, but there's a good chance you have some. Write to become aware. Write to embrace your best self. Write for your health, for your family and for your friends-you deserve it and so do your relationships.

Write to set yourself free.

This article was originally published on The Good Men Project. It has been republished here with permission.

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The sun was unseasonably warm and the back-lit crimson leaves were begging to be admired in the late, golden afternoon sun. I decided to put my to-do list on pause for a few minutes and turned the car into the high school parking lot so my four year old and I could play at the park nearby.

As soon as the car stopped, my son cheered and made a beeline for the swings. He stopped short when he noticed they were already being used by three awkward-looking teenage boys.

I paused momentarily to observe how my son would handle the situation. He cocked his head to the side for a minute and looked at each of the boys. Then he smiled and introduced himself. All three adolescents nodded and politely acknowledged him. My son asked them if he could have a turn on the swings; and, to my surprise, two of the boys jumped off immediately. One even came running back to make sure his empty swing wouldn't bounce back and hurt my son before I got there.

I thanked them and helped my son onto the swing, then watched as the three teens ran off and started a game of tag. I smiled. They were a gawky looking bunch with pants a little too short for their skinny legs, hair disheveled and overgrown, and clothes that didn't quite match.

I try not to make assumptions about people, but I could easily picture these boys brooding in a basement somewhere glued to a video game console. I'm sure they probably weren't picked first for any elementary school kickball teams, and they probably wouldn't find themselves in the lineup for Prom King either. Their skin was speckled with blemishes, and their teeth still covered in metal, but instead of brooding in a basement, they were running around a park giggling like little kids.

I found myself hoping my son would remember them. They were kind, thoughtful, and respectful role models, without even knowing it.

There's a popular meme circulating online that says something to the effect of, "If you are one in a million and there are 7 billion people in this world that means there are 7,000 people waiting to be your friend." I believe that. My least "popular" son gets more calls, texts, and invitations to hang out than my other three sons combined - because the few friends he does have are deeply connected and devoted to each other. They're all unusual, but in similar ways.

Making friends isn't about trying to be like everyone else so you can fit in, it's about having the courage to be yourself so you can find others like you. Admitting that you still like to swing and play tag at the park when you're half way through high school might not make you popular in the traditional sense of the word, but it can help you find the kind of deep and lasting connections that will sustain you through dark days and lead to increased emotional health and happiness.

Being a good mom isn't about helping our children fit in, as much as we want them to; it's about nurturing and loving our children for who they are so they can grow up feeling content with themselves and brave enough to find others like them. This is, perhaps, the best gift we can give them.

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The war on drugs has been widely considered a failure, but there could be a phoenix within its ashes. Lessons we can learn about those who might be lured by the promises of extremism in the same way some people are lured by the promises of a chemically induced high.

When I was a senior in high school, one of my good friends was arrested for possession of illegal narcotics. This friend had nearly perfect scores on his college entrance exams. He was well liked at school with involved parents who were both highly educated themselves. He had a beautiful girlfriend and was trying to choose between several Ivy League schools for college. It seemed like he had everything to lose and nothing to gain from experimenting with drugs, but he did it anyway. Since that night, I've often wondered, what makes good people with promising outlooks willing to jeopardize their futures?

I was reminded of this question again in the wake of the San Bernardino shootings. By all accounts, the couple who allegedly opened fire were regular people with no apparent evidence of mental illness. They had a six-month old baby and lived in an unremarkable apartment. The co-workers they opened fire on had recently thrown them a baby shower. What could possibly motivate young parents to behave this way?

To answer this question, I contacted Mark Goulston, renowned psychiatrist and author of "Talking to Crazy." Goulston explained how the types of people who can be enticed by drugs, can also be drawn to extremism. He told me that our personalities are shaped from very young ages, usually by our parents. When children are not comforted and encouraged regularly, and instead are criticized, ignored or coddled, they can become what he calls "emotional orphans."

Emotional orphans who turn to drugs use chemically induced feelings to fill longings within themselves. They also find a ready-made network in the drug counter culture, which has a reputation of being much more accepting than traditional society.

Extremist groups offer to fill these same voids by promising to love emotional orphans; by giving them instant connections and a sense of belonging. Extremist groups also offer people the opportunity to feel powerful and pay back an unjust world that hasn't sufficiently met their needs. It's not too difficult to see how this might be an appealing prospect for an emotional orphan.

It's tempting to think we can fix this problem by hunting down anyone who fits the profile and locking them up, but as Johann Hari argues in his book: "Chasing the Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs," that approach to the drug problem has made the problem worse, not better. Logically speaking, isolating people who do drugs because they feel isolated, makes them more likely to continue doing drugs-because it exacerbates the needs that led to their drug use in the first place.

Similarly, locking people up who might be dangerous because they haven't found acceptance or justice in society will likely exacerbate their needs and make them more dangerous. Fighting the effects of their emptiness doesn't work very well, but filling their emotional voids might.

How do such voids get filled? It starts at home. It needs to happen in your home, and it needs to happen in my home. We each have a responsibility to meet the emotional needs of our friends, family and loved ones, even when they seem content on the outside; but especially when they don't. When your teenager acts out about something that seems trivial to you, resist the urge to tell them to get over it, or to reiterate the cliché that life's not fair. Instead, take their experiences seriously. Trust that what they're feeling is real. Find the truth in what they say and ask them to tell you more.

Goulston details how to do this in his book "Talking to Crazy," but the key take away message for me was this: "You aren't going to make crazy go away by ignoring it, trying to reason with it, or arguing with it. Instead, you're going to lean into the crazy." If you can't give in and give your teenager what they want, you can still make them feel validated and understood. Doing this will have a powerful calming effect on their brain; make them feel more connected to you and less alone.

Hari says in his book that "the opposite of addiction is connection." When a person's needs are met, their drug addictions largely cure themselves. By learning to validate the experiences of others, we create the sense of safety and connection that all humans need. The more we can do this for our children, and others we interact with every day, the more we will be able to diminish the luring appeal of extremist organizations.

Originally published on The Good Men Project. Republished here with permission.

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They say it takes a village to raise a child. Unfortunately, my village is failing me. Some of you aren't going to like this, but I'm saying it anyway because I can't fight this fight alone. My village tells my sons every day that they are: violent, predatory and untrustworthy. And frankly, I'm tired of it, because it's not true.

Look around at some of the popular campaigns for guys: The Man Up Campaign, The Real Man Campaign, A Call to Men, and more. All of them are designed to end violence against women, which is something we all want, but the unspoken messages behind these campaigns is this: men are monsters who can't control themselves without a pledge signed in blood. When in reality, men who treat women this way are the exception, not the rule.

Almost every message boys hear publicly about themselves falls somewhere between dangerous and not good enough. My sons don't want to go anywhere with me anymore because, at least one person, and usually more than one, will look at them, raise their eyebrows and say, "Oh my, bless you," as if my sons are a curse.

Have you seen this article? It's about a father who threatened to do to a boy whatever the boy did to his daughter. The accompanying pictures made big news, one of the boyfriend holding the daughter around the waist, and adjacent, a picture of the father holding the boyfriend around the waist. From behind; the threat is implied.

And perhaps you've seen the response, reprinted on this site: Please Don't Threaten My Son for Dating Your Daughter. Everyone I know who posted responses to the second article on Facebook got nasty replies, myself included. Dads in particular, seem to think it's okay to threaten a boy simply because he's male. Here's one of my (not) favorite comments, "Any boy is thought to be a wolf unless shown otherwise." Boys in my village are apparently guilty until proven innocent. Has anyone considered that maybe the way we treat our boys is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy?

You may be thinking that if I was a man, I would understand. I'm a woman so I don't really know what goes on inside men's heads and if I did, I would be shocked. I should step back and let fathers shame and threaten my sons because they happen to share the same genitalia and obviously understand my sons better than I do, right?

Wrong. You fathers who feel this way forget, that I was once your target. And you're right, I couldn't read every thought that crossed your mind, but I knew when you were undressing me with your eyes. Don't think I didn't. I could tell when your thoughts and motives were predatory even if I didn't know exactly what they were, which is why I stayed away from you. Despite the supposedly uncontrollable sexual urges of other guys my age, almost all of them managed to treat me with dignity and respect. A few of them got closer than my father liked, because I let them. And yes, there were one or two who pushed my boundaries, but they quickly found that I had an exit strategy in place and could take care of myself.

Teach your daughters to trust their instincts. Teach them it's OK to be mean if someone makes them feel uncomfortable. Teach them how to evaluate their circumstances, and to keep themselves in situations where they feel safe. But stop treating your daughters like victims. And for heaven's sake, stop treating my sons like criminals. There's a good chance all of our children are going to live up to expectations.

No, I don't know every thought that goes through my sons' heads, but just like I knew your hearts, I know theirs. My sons want to love and be loved, just like your daughters. They want to be superheroes, not super villains. So rather than treating my sons like they are inherently evil, why don't you nurture the good in them the same way you nurture the good in your girls?

I can't do this alone. If you continue to shame my sons (and all boys) until they feel safer seeking intimacy online, then the innate desire they have to protect could easily morph into a desire to dominate, because that's what the digital world is going to teach them girls want. So stop. You're making it harder for me to raise good men.

This article was originally published on The Good Men Project. It has been republished here with permission.

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