The danger of pornography use isn't about right and wrong. It's about the effects that pornography has on the user and the effects it has on the loved ones of the user. Pornography use has serious, negative side effects.

Some of pornography's toxic side effects include:

1. Creates emotional bond with artificial world

All people have a critical need for human intimacy and emotional connection with others. When someone views pornography, they end up creating an intimate bond with an artificial, fake world and can actually lose the ability to bond with real people.

2. Sex without intimacy

Pornography is about sex being used for the wrong reasons. Because it is sex without emotional closeness, the underlying hunger remains unsatisfied. The viewer starts wondering what is wrong with their relationships and gets irritated or depressed. They end up feeling emotionally empty and disconnected from those around them.

3. Unsatisfying

While pornography use may result in a short term high, it eventually results in feelings of emptiness, low self-esteem and deep loneliness. It ultimately creates emotional distance in relationships. Because the world of pornography is artificial and cannot satisfy the need for emotional intimacy, this basic need remains unmet, creating an appetite for more and more.

4. Triggers addiction cycle in brain

Studies show that actual brain function changes in someone who has an addiction - and the changes are the same in all addiction: alcohol, drugs, or pornography. Because pornography use can become an actual addiction, viewers are not able to stop through their own will power. Pornography addicts will need to engage in the same difficult recovery process a drug addict has to go through.

5. Unfulfilling

Using pornography to feel pleasure and escape feelings of low self-esteem, anxiety, boredom and frustration creates a gateway for addiction. When the rush of pleasure disappears, the feelings a user is trying to escape from reappear stronger than ever, and they are compelled to repeat the cycle. Over time, their brain chemistry is altered and a full-fledged addiction occurs.

6. Great deception

Initially, you were attracted to pornography because of the positive things it did for you. ("I love the rush I feel," "This is my favorite pastime," "I feel lonely," "This is my reward to myself for making it through a rough day...") Eventually, it will do just the opposite. ("I no longer feel an emotional response to anything," "There is nothing in my life I enjoy doing," "I feel totally isolated from the world," "My anxiety and stress levels are at an all-time high...").

7. Imitation of the real thing

With pornography, we use sex as a substitute for nurture, intimacy, and love. Sex is no longer a wonderful source of connection between our deepest selves and a beloved partner; it becomes a commodity used to avoid intimacy and mask needs that should be met through human connections.

8. Always hungry

Because this is an addictive substance, it creates an appetite for itself. This appetite increases over time as you spend more and more time viewing pornography. The time spent viewing pornography can jeopardize work, relationships and interest in healthy pastimes.

9. Escalation

Over time, the pornography we first started viewing becomes mundane. We escalate to view things which we once would have considered as going too far or totally wrong. We feel increasing desire to do things which will damage our reputation and relationships.

10. Blunt truth

In the long run, pornography will not shore up a shaky ego, will not fill the emptiness left from childhood wounds or abandonment, will not save a shaky relationship or failing marriage and is not satisfying. In fact, it will magnify each emotional wound from the past and cripple your ability to meet your essential emotional needs, damage your ability to have a healthy relationship and leave you unable to sexually or emotionally respond to your partner.

The post 10 toxic side effects of pornography use appeared first on FamilyToday.

Begin Early

First, if you have discovered your child or teen accessing pornography, be very thankful that you discovered this problem so that it doesn't remain in secrecy and shame, where it grows and becomes stronger. Like drug and alcohol use, pornography use is very addicting. This problem can escalate out of control, so finding out your child or teen is accessing pornography can help you be proactive in preventing a life time of addiction.

Set up External Monitors

Starting in grade school, kids start trading information about sex and pornography. Virtually all teens over the age of 17 have been exposed to hard core pornography -� either by accident or deliberately. There needs to be external monitors (filters, rules, follow-up conversations) in place which limit the likelihood your child will be exposed to pornography, either accidently or deliberately. In addition, your child needs to have a personal internal monitoring system in space, which has been built through regular talks, discussions and sharing information.

Hold Family Councils

Some families hold a monthly "Warrior Council"� where family members share things they have seen related to bullying, vicious gossip, pornography, and dishonest or cruel behavior in others. Parents and children share experiences and then brainstorm about ways to respond to these things. Parents can also share news articles which show the consequences of immoral behavior.

What To Do if You Catch Your Child Viewing Pornography

First and foremost, do not over-react. If your response is full of anger, fear and/or shame, it will very likely shut down any opportunity for honest discussion, teaching opportunities and actual behavior change in your child. Discovering this behavior is a red flag for you, as a parent, that indicates you need to be having regular discussions with your child about healthy sexuality and its false counter-part, pornography.

If you don't know what to say or how to say it, start getting more information. Read related materials on this website, read the materials on the SA Lifeline Foundation website (salifeline.org), and read Dr. Jill Manning's book, What's the Big Deal About Pornographyif you need help figuring out where to start.

It is important that children understand that their parents love them and want them to be happy. Help them understand what pornography is, why it can be damaging and why viewing pornography is of concern. Find out how often your child has been viewing pornography, and then follow up with checking the internet history tab on the computer to see if what you have been told matches the report on your computer.

Ask your child if, in the past, he has decided to quit viewing pornography, but has returned to viewing it anyway. If an addiction to pornography has started, personal will power alone will not be sufficient to break the addiction. With an addiction, whether it be to pornography, alcohol, drugs, or video games, recovery is a long-term process which requires the use of multiple resources such as counseling, education, regular meetings with an ecclesiastical leader, addiction recovery programs and long-term follow-up.

Steps to Be Free

Most importantly, try to determine if your child is motivated to be free from his pornography use. He must be willing to do the hard work it will take to change. In addition, if your child is addicted to pornography, it is important he or she does the following:

1. Come out of hiding and talk with their parents and ecclesiastical leader

2. Become educated

3. Set boundaries

4. Get therapy

5. Attend a support group for addiction recovery

While it may seem counter-intuitive, it is also important for parents to become educated, learn to set boundaries with their child, participate in counseling and participate in an addiction recovery support program. By actively taking these measures, parents can learn how to deal with their child's addiction appropriately and effectively.

Learn more about the physical nature of pornography addiction by reading two important articles by Donald L. Hilton, Jr., MD

• Slave Master: How Pornography Drugs and Changes Your Brain
• Can Pornography Use Become an Actual Brain Addiction?

The post I caught my teen viewing pornography appeared first on FamilyToday.

• When a guy is exposed to pornography, relationships become strictly about sex- you, as a person, don't matter much.

• Pornography portrays relationships where women are treated like objects, where they like to be degraded and are often harmed. It becomes increasingly difficult for a guy, who is viewing pornography, not to treat a girl friend or wife like this.

• Compassion, empathy, being unselfish - these are things that don't happen when pornography is a part of your relationship. The guy's world is all about him and his wants - your needs and feelings don't matter than much.

• Your boyfriend or husband will probably care more about sex and how your look than who you are and what you think. This will damage your self esteem and confidence.

• Your boyfriend or husband is learning that violence and coercion are an acceptable part of a relationship. Are you comfortable with that?

• Are you OK with your boyfriend or husband cheating on you? A guy may say that he he's faithful, but statistics show that when you view pornography, the idea of being faithful to your partner is no longer a part of your thinking. You start looking for ways to cheat in a relationship and get away with it.

It's likely that your relationship is clouded with deceit, drama-based, fear or lust based, and draining. Can you honestly say that you a better person, because of being in this relationship?

The two charts, below, were created by Dr. Jill C. Manning, a nationally recognized expert in the field of pornography addiction. The charts make it clear why pornography use and healthy relationships don't go together.

Healthy vs Pornography Sexuality

Dr. Jill C. Manning

Healthy Sexuality                                                                                                 

Pornography

Loving

Lustful

Private

Public

Unifying

Isolating

Honest

Deceptive

Anchored in reality

Fantasy based

Body is sacred

Body is an object, toy or weapon

Enhances well being

Decreases well being

Respectful and honorable

Degrading

Involves loving someone

Involves using or harming someone

Spiritually meaningful

Spiritually deadening

Socially responsible and beneficial

Socially irresponsible & costly

Involves mutual consent and volition

Often involves violence and coercion

Associated with life and joy

Associated with crime, abuse, infidelity, addiction, prostitution and divorce

Healthy vs Toxic Relationships

Dr. Jill C. Manning

Healthy Relationships

Toxic Relationships

Rooted in honesty and truth

Clouded with deceit and lies

Mutual respect apparent

Disrespect demonstrated by one or both

Trust and safety are present

Distrust is present

Drama is limited and acute

Drama based

Feels energizing, hopeful, empowering and good

Feels draining, confusing, depressing or shameful

Growth promoting

Hinders or stagnates growth

Problems addressed openly and differences respected

Problem solving avoided and differences threatening

Increases sense of freedom

Increases sense of entrapment, control & manipulation

Appropriate boundaries exist and are respected

Boundaries are difficult to detect or are breached

Encourages self respect and selflessness

Breeds selfishness

Increases well being

Decreases well being

Love based

Fear or lust based

The post My boyfriend/husband likes pornography – is it really such a big deal? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Addiction

the continued use of a mood altering substance or behavior despite adverse consequences. Classic hallmarks of addiction include impaired control over use of the addictive substance or behavior, preoccupation with use of the substance or behavior, continued use despite consequences, and denial. Habits and patterns associated with addiction are typically characterized by immediate gratification (short-term reward), coupled with delayed deleterious effects (long-term costs).

Tolerance

the process by which the body continually adapts to the substance or behavior and requires increasingly larger amounts to achieve the original effects. With addiction, if the substance or behavior decreases or stops, withdrawal occurs. Symptoms of withdrawal generally include but are not limited to anxiety, irritability, and intense cravings for the substance.

Six criteria for an addictive experience:

• It is powerful and absorbs a person's feelings and thoughts

• It is available for repeat use

• It provides temporary, positive feelings, such the absence of worry or pain, reduced anxiety, freedom from boredom or loneliness, or enhanced feelings of well being

• The temporary, positive feelings experienced through the addictive experience supply an easy fix and become a substitute for non-addictive means of experiencing those positive feelings.

• With repeat usage, the addictive experience becomes less and less efficient at providing temporary positive feelings, so use must escalate.

• The use of the substance or behavior continues, even though it progressively limits and harms their lives.

Pornography use, just like alcohol, addictive drugs and gambling, fits perfectly into the above definitions for addiction, tolerance and the five criteria for an addictive experience. Nevertheless, there has been some debate about whether pornography use can actually become an addiction. Currently, there are thousands of 12-Step recovery groups in the United States which are focused exclusively on recovery from pornography addiction, which is classified as a sexual addiction. The people attending these groups strongly feel that their use of pornography resulted in an addiction which caused their lives to become out of control. They freely admit that they became powerless over their use of pornography and that they lost their ability to stop their use, using only their free will.

Learn more about the physical nature of pornography addiction by reading two important articles by Donald L. Hilton, Jr., MD:

• Slave Master: How Pornography Drugs and Changes Your Brain
• Can Pornography Use Become an Actual Brain Addiction?

The post How can looking at pornography cause an addiction? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Here are some signs of pornography addiction. Any of these things indicate a serious problem and possible addiction. More than three of these things indicate probable addiction.

1. An inability to stop the behavior(s) and porn use despite previous attempts to do so

Do you feel like you are no longer the one in charge - the compulsion is stronger than your will power?

2. Anger or irritability if asked to stop

Would you feel defensive or angry if you were asked to decrease or quit your porn use?

3. Hiding all or a portion of porn use

Do you live a double or secret live related to your porn use? Do you justify and rationalize your pornography use?

4. Continuing the behavior despite obvious consequences, such as a relationship or job loss

How hard would it be to give up porn if a job, marriage, relationship, or friendship were in jeopardy?

5. Getting lost while using porn (i.e., spending more time than intended, losing track of time). How often do you totally lose track of time when viewing porn? How often to you spend more time than you intended? (Once I start, I just want to go on and on.)

6. Pornography consumes thoughts - constant fantasies about it

Is your pornography use a high priority in your life?

7. Significant emotional distance from those around you and an inability to be emotionally intimate in real-life relationships. Emotionally, are you more attached to the fantasy world of porn than the challenging world around you? Would you rather look at porn than be with friends or family?

8. Having to look at more and more pornography for the same thrill you used to get

Are you looking at things and doing things which you used to think you'd never do?

9. Using porn as a way to cope with life stresses

Do you turn to porn as a way to cope with stress, anger, loneliness, boredom, or feelings of low self-esteem?

10. Rough or demanding when you engage in sex or are emotionally distant during sex. Are you critical of your partner's appearance, implying they aren't sexy enough. Are you fundamentally angry or frustrated with relationships, sex and intimacy in the 'real world'? Is the world or porn where you're most comfortable?

The post Top 10 signs of pornography addiction appeared first on FamilyToday.

External monitoring

External monitoring has to do with identifying possible ways your child could be exposed to pornography and finding ways to decrease the chance of exposure. Exposure to pornography can happen through the Internet, computer games, cell phones, advertisements, and family and friends.

• All computers in your house, including laptops, should have an Internet filter installed which blocks websites that carry pornography. Make sure kids know what to do if a pornographic image accidentally pops up. Teach them to how to do an emergency screen crash and then immediately talk to a parent. As a parent, be prepared to "debrief"� the event.

• TV shows, video and computer games and other recreation should be monitored.

• Children's cell phones should be gathered up at night to be recharged by a parent, rather than kept in the child's bedroom.

• Know how to check which Internet sites have been accessed on the computers in your house. If your child has a cell phone, check on texts, photos, and Internet access.

Internal monitoring

External monitoring will not be sufficient to protect children from pornography. Just as parents need to install filters on computers and phones, they need to help their children install a strong internal monitoring system. Children and teens need to have a self-imposed internal monitoring system to be able to avoid the hazards of pornography use.

• Children need to understand what healthy sexuality is and why it is so important. They need to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy sexuality and what a healthy relationship looks like.

• Know the answers about why pornography use is so damaging so that your discussions with your children go beyond, "Pornography is bad, don't look at it!"�

• You can start a discussion about pornography by talking about something you've read, a question you have, or something as straightforward as, "I remember the first time I saw pornography,"� then tell your story and ask your child to tell you about their exposure.

• Have regular discussions with your children and teens about their experiences with pornography. One family started having a monthly "Warrior's Counsel" where children (and parents) talked about things such as bullying, bad language, pornography exposure, and vicious gossip to which they have been exposed. The family brainstormed on why these things were harmful and how to avoid or prevent such things, in the future.

At what age do conversations with my child need to start?

• Some statistics indicate that the average age of exposure to pornography for children is 9 years of age. Many people have introduced conversations as early as the age of eight.

• The majority of teens, ages 16 and older, have been exposed to hard core pornography. You should be engaging in regular discussions with your teen about what they're seeing and how they are dealing with it.

• Many parents are concerned that discussing sexual topics plainly and boldly might trigger curiosity. Various social science studies show, however, that when parents openly discuss sexual topics in an age-appropriate way, youth are less likely to experiment and more likely to remain abstinent.

What do I need to teach my children and teens about Internet use?

• Instruct family members to tell a parent if they encounter any form of pornography while on the computer. This will help reduce the fear or shame of accidental exposure. It also serves to open discussions about the dangers of pornography.

• Teach family members to use the Internet for a specific purpose only. Aimless surfing makes it easier to wander across inappropriate sites.

• Caution family members to avoid public chat rooms, bulletin boards, or unfamiliar areas on the Internet. Such sites present an unnecessary risk for children and adults.

• Teach children not to share any personal information online without parental knowledge and permission. Many predators pose as children to gain access to information that may put children at risk.

• Be aware of your children's school and public library policies are regarding Internet use and accessibility.

• Warn family members never open email from someone they don't know.

FOR MORE HELP AND SUPPORT

Read

Dr. Jill C. Manning's book, What's the Big Deal About Pornography? (Shadow Mountain Press, Salt Lake City, UT. 2008).

The post How can I protect my children and teens from pornography exposure? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Here's a brief list of actual problems that pornography causes:

• Pornography presents a seriously distorted outlook on relationships, sexuality, bodies and gender - repeated viewing of pornography creates the impression that these distortions represent reality.

• When you view pornography, your body learns to respond to artificial, distorted view of sex which can cause problems with your ability to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship.

• Viewing pornography can actually undermine your self-confidence because you bond to a fantasy world that the 'real' you wouldn't fit into.

• Healthy sexuality always involves intellectual, spiritual, emotional, social, and physical elements. Pornography presents a shallow, selfish sexuality, where human intimacy is absent. Viewing sexuality as being only physical cuts one off from the full potential and richness of sexual experiences.

• Actual addiction can happen when a person becomes dependent upon the "rush"� caused by pornography, which is the body's production of adrenalin, endorphins, and other internally induced chemicals. He or she learns to depend upon this activity in order to cope with life's challenges, difficulties or emotional stressors, such as anger, boredom, loneliness, stress or fatigue. This creates the physical, mental and social elements which creates addiction.

• Pornography gives the false impression that sex and pleasure are entirely divorced from relationships. Pornography is totally self-centered - something you do by yourself, for yourself - by using others as the means to pleasure, a product to consume.

The post Honestly, is pornography really that bad? appeared first on FamilyToday.

You and your boyfriend are in a society that promotes the idea that pornography use is an acceptable and normal part of adult sexuality. Pornography portrays women as objects to be treated in selfish, degrading ways. Relationships are lustful, violent, coercive and lack respect and intimacy. If your boyfriend is viewing pornography, he is being strongly influenced by these ideas, so you need to talk about this!

How soon should I discuss pornography with the person I am dating?

Here are some guidelines, but ultimately, you are the one who makes the final decision. Don't avoid this discussion, just because you are afraid or embarrassed.

• Are you "exclusive"�, i.e. boyfriend and girlfriend?

• Is the relationship such that you can talk, or have already talked, about other significant personal issues?

• Are you looking to advance your relationship by getting engaged or married?

• Does your partner know and trust you enough to disclose and discuss personal challenges?

If you can't answer yes to any of these questions, it is probably too soon. For those who can answer yes to one or more questions, now is probably an appropriate time. For those who can answer yes to all questions, it is definitely time to discuss pornography, especially if you are planning on getting married.

Help! How do I start the discussion?

There is no "easy" way to bring up uncomfortable topics. One approach is to just ask him about the last time he viewed pornography. Another way is to initially share a personal experience or talk about an article with information about pornography. It is important to ask what the other person's exposure to pornography has been, not if they have been exposed. Discussions might include when and where they last viewed pornography, what their response was. Ask them what they are currently doing to protect themselves against pornography.

If your boyfriend regularly looked at pornography in the past, but says he doesn't now, ask what he did to stop. (i.e. Did he see a counselor or attend 12-step meetings?) Ask him how many times he quit, before he was able to quit for good. If there is a current problem, you will probably receive a vague, incomplete or less-than-honest answer.

What should I do if I suspect someone I am dating has a pornography problem?

Honest communication is essential for a healthy relationship. The answer is simple: talk to them. Be careful about the speed at which the relationship progresses. If there is recurring pornography use, you need to get educated about pornography addiction, what recovery looks like and the life-long challenges of this addiction.

How is dating someone with a pornography addiction likely to affect me?

Dating someone with a pornography addiction can affect you in much the same way that being married to someone with a pornography addiction does. Your appearance may be treated as more important than who you actually are. There may be a lack of empathy and emotional closeness. Your boyfriend may often seem selfish, controlling, angry, withdrawn or emotionally disconnected. Your relationship may not feel anchored in mutual respect, trust, honesty and openness. You may not actually like the person you are becoming because of this relationship.

I am dating (or did date) someone with a pornography problem and I am currently struggling with negative personal thoughts and feelings. What should I do?

It is not uncommon to experience some kind of trauma after being in a close relationship with a pornography addict. Common problems include anorexic or bulimic tendencies, obsession with personal appearance, feelings of low self-worth, decreased self-confidence, a feeling of spiritual darkness and abandonment, a decreased ability to trust and form healthy relationships with other men and starting to accept unhealthy behaviors as normal.

If someone who is or has dated a pornography addict starts to experience any of the feelings listed above, it is important to get outside help. Consider seeing a counselor and attending a 12-step program, for the loved ones of addicts. Talking with friends or family who can offer support and help put things in perspective is also helpful.

Additional information

My boyfriend likes pornography - is that really such a big of a deal? (article for Deseret Digital Media, written by SA Lifeline Foundation.)

Additional information

Pornography and Dating pamphlet (handout section of Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction: a Resource for LDS Families and Leaders)

Dr. Jill C. Manning charts

Contrasting Healthy Sexuality and Pornographic Portrayals of Sexuality; Comparing Healthy and Toxic Relationships

The post How to talk to your boyfriend about pornography appeared first on FamilyToday.