Your life doesn’t have to be like this. There’s still a way that you can keep that excitement and connection for years within your marriage, and you can do it even if you don’t have the time, money, or energy you had in your younger years. You may have gotten so caught up in the mundane that you don’t even realize that you need to bring the excitement back.

Here are five warning signs you need to reconnect with your spouse.

You don’t know the details of their lives.

You may think that you already know everything you need to about your significant other’s life, but have you really checked in lately? Could you explain what project they’re a part of at work? Do you know the name of their favorite song or show? Do they prefer ranch or a vinaigrette on their salads? These simple things can change, so it’s a good idea to ask your spouse about their everyday concerns and check in regularly.

Marriage researcher, John Gottman in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, explained this practice as building “love maps.” He states: “One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses. In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world” and continues: “I call this having a richly detailed love map.”

Gottman found that couples who have more detailed love maps are better able to cope with difficult situations, and that they’re better able to handle stress together.

You don’t have marital rituals.

Simply defined, a ritual is an act that you do together that contains shared meaning. Rituals make families feel connected to each other, bonded together, and help families build a shared identity.

Most families have family rituals they enjoy every year, whether it’s gifting Christmas pajamas on December 24th or religiously planting a tree every year to celebrate Arbor Day. Other rituals happen on a more frequent basis, such as Saturday morning chocolate chip pancakes or running out to get ice cream when a child suffers a disappointment and needs a pick-me-up. However, it’s equally as important to have rituals with just your spouse.

You can do this by turning some boring routines that you’re already doing together into something fun and meaningful. Perhaps you have a late-night fondue date on your kitchen table when you discuss your monthly budget.

Maybe you make a competitive game of whoever can pull the most weeds in the front yard while you have an occasional non-argumentative chat about any “weeds” that might be sprouting in your relationship.

Though they might seem simple, rituals can help you and your spouse soften negative experiences, ease family stressors, and may even enhance physical and emotional intimacy.

You don’t eat together.

Even if you and your spouse spend time together at other times and places, there’s something special about eating meals together. Researchers have found that conversation during mealtimes, compared with other social interactions, are overall more pleasant, agreeable, and connecting—in ways that create more equal dynamics of shared power between parties.

If conversations with your spouse feel stagnant or reveal discontent or disengagement more often than being a pleasant exchange, consider eating together more often.

If eating dinner together every evening doesn’t fit your lifestyle, try finding another time to eat together. Maybe you could meet for lunch once a week or have a nice Sunday dinner. Maybe breakfasts are more your style, or you need to adapt to your spouse’s frequent work trips, and you even eat dinner together occasionally via video chat.

Whatever you end up deciding, don’t diminish the benefits a simple meal conversation can have on your marriage.

Other relationships come first.

There are many relationships that can get in the way of your marriage relationship. Perhaps it’s your best friend who comes over unannounced three times a week. Maybe it’s your mother who has a strange need to know everything about your life. It could even be a consuming relationship with your phone. Or, as much as you love them, it may be an intense relationship with your children that tends to get out of balance.

You may think that your kids should come before everything, but experts advocate that your spouse should really be your number one priority. Surprising to some is the fact that this actually better meets your children’s needs since they see and feel the security in the primary relationship in the home—and learn not to be entitled, but to step aside at time to give that relationship its own space to flourish.

You can put your spouse first by keeping regular date nights, scheduling quality time, and discussing together important family and parental decisions.

You don’t have shared values or interests.

Participating in an activity that both you and your spouse enjoy provides “critical opportunities to connect with one another.”

Dr. Greg Smalley, previous president of the National Institute of Families, said, “Having common hobbies can help couples deepen their sense of intimacy, connection, and especially friendship.”

To find a new hobby, Smalley gives suggestions such as trying a new restaurant, talking about your bucket list of sorts to create some shared dreams and goals or inviting your spouse to join you in an activity that already interests you that they have been eager to try. There are lots of options for this, such as attending a play or lecture at the local university, whittling on your back porch, or even a competitive game of pickleball after a long day of work.

Maybe you’ll find something you both like, or maybe, you’ll go out on a limb and try something neither of you has ever tried before. Just the process of making plans and exploring these new hobbies can be bonding, exciting, and oftentimes humorous.

These five ways of reconnecting may seem simple, but it’s often the simplest things that can make the most difference. You may just need a little fanning to reignite the spark. If you are feeling disconnected from your spouse, consider trying these practices—they might make you feel young again.

The post 5 Warning Signs You Need to Reconnect with Your Spouse appeared first on FamilyToday.

I’ll say Christmas Eve. 

Christmas Eve is when all the traditions happen in my family. December 24th is jam-packed with snowball fights, messy cookies, and Christmas pajamas from a poorly costumed Santa Claus who sounds an awful lot like Dad. I look forward to all of it.  

When I was 16, the entire extended family on my mom’s side stayed with us for Christmas. It was fun to share my family’s traditions with them, and everything was running smoothly—at first.  

It was getting late and kids were sprawled in the living room wearing their new Transformers and Hello Kitty footie pajamas. I asked my mom when we were going to watch the movie, The Nativity Story, which had been a tradition we shared since the movie had come out over a decade before. 

“Em,” she said, “there’s just not enough time to watch it this year.”

I cried that night, and I was confused as to why. 

It was just a movie, after all. And I had seen it many times. But it wasn’t just a movie—it was a tradition that had been pushed aside. Only then did I realize how important even the smallest tradition was to me.

In similar ways, newlywed couples may find they have to negotiate adjustments in the holiday traditions they are used to, and spouses can find distress in the differences that come with their new situation. Because family traditions are deeply connected with individual and family identity, traditions can be difficult to compromise. Researcher Ria Smit explained that traditions give a sense of belonging to the family, create a connection to family history, and establish strong family boundaries.

If you are having to negotiate Christmas traditions, here are some practices that can help you avoid contention and build unity during your first holiday season together.

Talk about it in advance

A lot of miscommunication can be avoided if clear expectations are set before the holiday comes, tradition happens, and the chances of disappointment are high. This is true with holiday traditions as well as any important rituals you may have grown up with, such as dinner time routines, birthdays, extended family gatherings, and so on. 

Complete the most important parts of traditions

If you grew up with a complex or extensive tradition, consider completing only the essential parts of it. 

On Christmas Eve every year, my family puts together what we call “A night in Bethlehem,” which means we “eat what Jesus would have eaten.” In what is possibly my favorite tradition, we fill our large coffee table with a variety of dates & nuts, cheese & flatbreads, fish & grapes. We turn all of the lights off in the house, and the only light we have comes from the three candles placed amongst the food, and we sit around the coffee table, on the floor, and eat with our fingers. At the end of the meal, we all dress up and reenact the story of the birth of Christ from Luke 2. 

And while I think it’s fun to have all of the complexities of the tradition, for me, it really comes down to a sacred feeling I feel with my family as we read Luke 2. That’s the essential part of the tradition, and when there’s just not enough time or resources, a reading of Luke 2 is sufficient. 

For kids, though, it could be hard to give up a favorite tradition. If your holiday needs to be simplified down, consider writing down all of the Christmas traditions your family enjoys, then have each child pick one tradition or one part of the tradition to complete that year. That way, they have a part in the decision-making process. 

Split holidays 

If your new family is going to be traveling to each other’s parents’ homes, splitting holidays is something you’ll want to consider. You can spend Christmas with one family one year, and the other family the next year. That way, you aren’t spread too thin between each other’s families, and a lot of unneeded stress will be eliminated. 

If you do end up splitting Christmases, don’t forget to establish meaningful traditions you can do every year in your own family, whether you currently have children or not. 

Create meaningful and simple traditions

Within your young family, try to create new traditions that are meaningful to you as a family. Honestly, a tradition is unlikely to be effective or to stick if it feels forced. Is there a family history story that could be associated with a tradition? Or maybe a favorite holiday picture book from your spouse’s childhood that could be meaningfully tied to a new tradition? 

Whatever it is, try to make these holiday activities meaningful and unique to your family. An easy way to do this is to start simple. You can embellish and add along the way, but keeping the tradition simple at first will help you stay true to its core meaning. 

Be open to change

Being open to change is the most important thing you can do. As you are open with each other, you’ll be able to create memories and traditions that can be cherished for the rest of your lives. 

It’s okay if your current family is different than the family you grew up in. Your current family has different experiences, personalities, and needs; and because of that, your traditions will be different. 

16-year-old me cried that Christmas years ago, but looking back, I can now see traditions established that year that are precious to me; and now it’s hard to imagine Christmas Eve without lip sync battles, Boyz II Men’s Silent Night, and mahjong on the kitchen table. 

The post Grown-up Christmas List: Negotiating Family Holiday Traditions appeared first on FamilyToday.