As a father of three sons, I felt (and continue to feel) a huge responsibility to teach my boys what marriage is supposed to look like and how a Christian husband is supposed to love his wife. My sons are married now and raising children of their own. The following are 10 "lessons" I pray were caught by them as they seek to build a fulfilling and God-glorifying marriage that lasts a lifetime:

1. Marriage is God's idea

God created marriage and knows exactly what it takes to enjoy it as it was intended. Knowing what He says about it (in His Word) is crucial in order to become the husband He desires you to be.

2. Loving your wife unconditionally

("like Christ") and dying to your natural selfishness is not just hard - it is impossible. We are not capable in our flesh of loving another human being for a lifetime. We must remain desperate, daily, for His direction, wisdom, power and help. Jesus called his disciples (and us) to deny ourselves, take up our cross (die) every day and follow Him.

3. Your wife is God's daughter,

and you should treat her accordingly. He is watching, and you will be accountable for how you treat her.

4. Marriage is not about merely your wife making you happy

. It is about bringing glory to God and making her happy (see 1 Cor. 7:33-34). Your number one priority every single day (besides walking with God) is "pleasing your wife". If you obey God, He promises to bless you.

5. You, as her husband, are called by God to lead your marriage

. Leaders don't point the way, they lead the way. Lead by example - by walking with Christ every day - and by giving your life away for her. Love her regardless of her performance, her response or whether you think she "deserves" it. That is how Christ loves us"¦and aren't you glad?

6. Marriage is God's workshop

for showing you just how selfish you are and helping Him shape you more into His image. Marriage is the hardest and most rewarding relationship on the planet. The greatest enemy of your marriage is you (selfishness).

7. In 1 Corinthians 7:28 we learn that

married couples "will have many troubles in this life"

. Difficulties are normal. Issues and disagreements will come up. If you are walking in God's Spirit, there will be fruit (Gal. 5) in your life and relationship. If this fruit is not obvious, then the problem is you, not her. She is not the problem. Get with God and work on yourself. God will take care of her, and take care of any issues or troubles.

8. Contrary to popular opinion (even some Christian opinion) -

"fighting fair" or fighting at all is NOT Biblical.

Disagreeing is normal but fighting (arguing, raising your voice, using harsh tone and language) is totally unacceptable and a sin. She is not the enemy, but you DO have an enemy, and he is hell bent on destroying your marriage. Learn to recognize his schemes and use the "weapons of our warfare" that we have been given by Christ.

9. Jesus gave us the 11th commandment to "love one another as I have loved you"

Loving your wife "as Jesus loved us" means to be willing to lay down your life for her. He went to a cruel, painful cross because He loved us, and we need to be willing to also die to our agendas, desires and expectations. Ephesians 5 tells us to love our wife "as Christ loved church and gave himself up for her."

10. You cannot learn your way to a great marriage. Knowledge is great, and you should learn all you can about marriage and relationships. Knowing, however, is altogether different than doing. You won't lose weight by reading good weight loss books or attending seminars.

Marriage demands doing; it requires action

The Bible promises that you will reap bountifully if your sow bountifully. Love is a verb. Love bountifully.

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Did you know that arguing and fighting are not Biblical marriage concepts? There is no such thing as "fighting fair" in the Bible. In fact, God says He doesn't want husbands and wives to fight at all. No offense to those fine authors who write about such things, but my Bible left out those verses.

What the Bible does say is that people, even Christian folks, will disagree and should find a way to come to agreement on things. It leaves room for difficult conversations and for allowing each other room (and grace) to express our feelings and even to complain. But fighting and quarreling are not allowed in our marriage.

Proverbs 17:19 says, "He who loves a quarrel (fight, argument), loves sin."

Proverbs 18:1 tells us that a person who starts quarrels is "unfriendly, selfish and lacking sound judgement."

Proverbs 15:18 reminds us that quarrels and conflicts are stirred up by "hot-tempered" people, and that a "patient" person (a fruit of the Spirit by the way) calms a quarrel.

Then there are Proverbs 19,21 and 25 that spotlight a "quarrelsome wife" and how awful it is to live with such a person. I am sure it holds true for a quarrelsome husband as well.

So, stop it! If God says that arguing, fighting, quarreling/nagging are "sin", than the short answer is stop sinning. Don't look for a way to candy coat it, or justify it, or do it "fairly." We don't do that with other sins.

Anger vs. Fighting

God is very clear that it is not a sin to "be angry", but in our anger we are to refrain from sinning, i.e.: not fight, quarrel or argue about it. See Ephesians 4:26. And, by the way, we are supposed to settle such disagreements before we go to bed or else we open our home and relationship open to invasion by the enemy.

James 4 tells us that "fighting and quarreling" come from a battle that wages within us. The battle of selfishness; of not having our expectations met or our deserve-its catered to; a battle we have waged internally since birth - not getting what we want. A four-year-old responds by stomping his feet, crying or throwing an all-out hissy fit on the floor. As grown-ups we have learned to take the frustration inward. We steam, we stew, we cuss, we fuss, we try to suppress until one day it can't be held back any longer and the dam breaks. The result is a grown up hissy fit. We nag, we nip, we diss, we jab with sarcasm. Our words and our tone destroy the oneness/intimacy we so desperately long for.

We lash out, we yell, we accuse, insinuate, blame and berate. We have not learned to harness our anger, so we sin. We hurt deeply, and saying "I'm sorry" hours later simply doesn't make up for the hurtful, hateful, sinful behavior we have unleashed.

Fixing it

Answer? If you profess to be a believer in Christ, the answer is - stop it. Turn to Him for help. Walk with Him. Be filled (continually) with His Spirit (Galatians 5). If you find you just can't control yourself - get help, now. Go to recovery. Get counseling. Find a mentor. Do whatever it takes to change. Like other sins, we cannot change ourselves. Only God can do that for us, but we have to want to. We have to choose to. Then we have to choose to live differently and walk daily with His help.

Fighting, quarreling, nagging, yelling and arguing have no place in a Christian marriage, or home. Remember - we are commanded by Jesus to "love one another as He loved us" and He doesn't treat us that way.

Also remember, one sure sign we are "filled with the Spirit" is that our relationships will be characterized by "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, kindness and self-control." If you aren't treating each other this way, you are not walking in the Spirit. It is that simple.

The problem is not your spouse. You need to get with God and work on your own problem(s).

It is to one's honor to avoid strife - Proverbs 20:3

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Anyone who has been married for more than a day knows that men and women define hundreds of words differently, and in most cases, very differently.

"Intimacy" is one of those words. As a longtime mentor and advisor to husbands and marriages, I always ask the husbands and wives to define it for me. Here is what they say:

Wives - "closeness," "connected," "oneness," "emotionally close"

Husbands - "sex"

Upon further investigation, the word "sex" is typically expanded to mean physical oneness or closeness.

Our culture almost always associates intimacy with sex, so it is little wonder that men do too. Truth is, all the answers given above are correct. Where couples fall short is by misunderstanding or not appreciating the other spouse's definition.

So for the men reading this article, here is a brief overview of what you need to know about your wife's definition (and expectation) of intimacy.

1. Intimacy does not equal sex

Granted intimacy may end up as sex, but to most women intimacy is not defined by making love. To her, intimacy means closeness. "I feel emotionally close to my husband" is the definition we most often get from wives.

What this means in practical/man terms is:

• We spent time together.

• We talked through issues.

• I feel caught up with what is going on in his life.

• I feel that he loves me and values me.

• I feel safe in our relationship.

• I feel cherished.

• I feel connected.

These things cannot happen without having been physically together in a non-sexual way, talking, processing life and issues and connecting as friends (more than roommates or business partners).

2. Wives don't have pop-up blockers

A typical husband can come home from a horrible day at work, having run over a dog on his commute, with a headache and a deep desire to plop into his favorite chair, and still be instantly in the mood for sex, if he is greeted by his wife dressed in a little black dress and informs him that the kids are eating dinner at the grandparent's house.

Wives, on the other hand, would need to talk with you about her horrible day and process her feelings about it. Cry a bit over the poor dog who ran out in front of her car, take some headache medicine and want to get off her feet as well.

If you greet her ready to make love - there will be absolutely no burning desire that magically wells up in her. She cannot block out all the events and relational issues of her day like a man can. Once again - it takes time, understanding, conversation and processing.

3. Pornography destroys real love

Statistics tell us that nearly 9 out of 10 men are exposed to pornography before they are 18. According to CovenantEyes.com, as many as 68 percent of college men view pornography on a regular basis. The women they watch always greatly desire sex, greatly enjoy sex and are greatly satisfied by their partner.

This leads to many problems for men, but particularly when it comes to expectations. They cannot help but want to experience some of that "greatly" from their own wives. When they don't, they subconsciously feel slighted and become more emotionally distant from their wives. This leads to more pornography, which leads to more disappointment and emotional distance - a very vicious and intimacy-killing cycle.

Moral?

Spend mass quantities of time with your wife. Sit and talk, go for a walk, hold hands, court her, pursue her - make her feel special, loved and cherish. Talk with her about her day, anxieties, fears and dreams. Help her out around the house and with the kids. Ease her burdens. Lighten her loads.

Don't expect her to desire to meet your need for physical intimacy until you take the time and effort to meet her need for emotional intimacy first. That's what a leader does. That's what laying your life down for another means.

That's what Jesus did for us, regardless of our response, and expected nothing in return. Don't be so selfish that you only serve, love and help when you want sex.

Flee from porn if you are dabbling or using regularly. Get a mentor, an accountability partner, or even a formal treatment program if necessary. It is worth it. Your marriage, your children, your legacy - are worth it. Don't let the enemy destroy your life and your home.

If we will learn to do this, you will have the amazing marriage you've always wanted.

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