At its heart, marriage is very similar across times and cultures. Men and women were designed for one another. How I relate to my wife Jenny likely doesn't differ much compared to how couples have related throughout the centuries.

In other ways, marriage is continually changing. My grandparents never had to adjust to both spouses working, running kids to a different extra-curricular activity every day after school, navigating social media or dealing with an onslaught of messages and expectations from society.

As we enter the opening days of 2017, there are five dangerous trends I see in marriage:

1. Placing children before marriage to the detriment of both

The schedules of the average family with kids at home is overwhelming. Day after day, many couples sacrifice time together because of all the demands of their children's schedules. While it could be argued that busy kids are better than idle kids (especially if they are teenagers), it can't be argued that the schedules many families CHOOSE is bad for marriage. It's a choice and it's often a bad one. Children are important, but one of the best ways we can love them is by loving each other. Remember: when you put your children before your spouse, both lose. When you put your spouse before your children, both win. What are some ways you can choose your spouse over your children this year?

2. Denying that struggling in one of the three major roles of a spouse isn't that significant.

A spouse is called to be three main things - friend, partner and lover. Too many husbands/wives ignore one of those areas and deceive themselves into thinking they make up for it in another area. This is a dangerous mistake. No matter how great of a friend a husband is, if they act more like a child rather than a partner, his wife will suffer. No matter how good of a partner a wife may be, if she fails to take seriously her role as lover, her husband will suffer. While it's useful to build on strengths, each of these three roles must be mastered for a successful marriage. Of the three, which area could use the most work in your marriage?

3. Failing to create proper boundaries to protect themselves and their marriage

I'm not sure how many affairs I'll get called about this year, but my guess is that it will be over 20. Good people will make bad decisions, in part, because they will have failed to create basic boundaries to protect themselves from temptation. If you don't have several guardrails in your life - rules to live by in regards to the opposite sex, friends who care enough to ask the tough questions, and a true awareness of your ability to make horrible decisions - you are a sitting duck. What are some safe guards you need to add to your life in order to help you honor your marriage vows?

4. Ignoring routine marriage maintenance

My car needs regular maintenance - the oil has to be changed, the tires have to be rotated, etc. Marriage has similar needs. Couples must continually find ways to reconnect, check-in, and make sure the key components are working properly. Too many couples go months without a real conversation, a nice date, a break from the routine, or making a true connection. We are fooling ourselves if we believe our marriages can thrive without taking time to work on the marriage. Read a book, go to a conference, or go have coffee without the kids. What is something you can do this week to improve your connection with your spouse?

5. Waiting too long to get help

By the time the average couple reaches my office, they are in serious trouble. It's not always the case. On occasion, someone calls and makes an appointment before they are in trouble. But in most instances, when a couple calls me, the tension is thick, a mistake has been made, and they don't know where to turn. Be smarter. Every couple will likely need help both individually and together at various times throughout their marriage. Be quick to call a counselor if you go through a tough patch, have an issue you can't make progress on, or just want to get a marital check-up. Is there something you need help with in your marriage?

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kevin A. Thompson's website. It has been republished here with permission.

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Rarely do I meet someone who is intentionally trying to ruin their life. On occasion, someone might be trying to gain attention by intentionally making bad choices. But most of the time, we ruin our lives without realizing it.

While there isn't an easy formula to success, failure is much more predictable. Some actions are almost guaranteed to lead to destruction.

Here are 10 ways to ruin your life:

1. Assume your problems are unique

When you think your issues are unique, it excuses you from taking action. Instead of knowing everyone has problems, you can think you have been dealt a uniquely bad hand which no one can understand. Instead of learning from others and getting help, you can wallow in self-pity. Instead of finding common ground with others who have overcome obstacles, you can look for the ways they had it easier than you.

2. Wait for someone to help you

Just wait. Don't act. Don't plan. Don't grow so weary of your situation that you have to do something. Assume your problems are supposed to be solved by someone else. Expect your parents or siblings or friends or employer or government to save you. Until the cavalry comes, just do nothing.

3. Cope with your pain in a way that adds to the pain

We all have sorrow and we all must find ways to deal with that pain. If you want to ruin your life, cope in such a way that adds to your sorrow. Find something which masks your pain-a bad relationship, an addiction, or some escape mechanism. Never get to the root causes of a situation.

4. Fixate on immediate comfort

Forget the long-road. Do whatever is easiest now. Avoid anything which might be difficult. Always take the avenue which leads to the quickest experience of ease, comfort, and peace. Avoid conflict, dodge the truth, and tell whatever lie is necessary in the moment.

5. Refuse to love others in order to protect your heart

Love hurts so you should avoid it. You've experienced the pain. You've made yourself vulnerable to others. You've seen the danger of opening yourself up to love. So avoid it. Go through life under the deception that you can avoid hurt by avoiding love. Never risk loving another and you will ruin your life.

6. Never learn how to use money

If you want to ruin your life, money should always be something foreign to you. Assume everyone who has it, didn't deserve it. Believe it just comes to some and not to others. Feel powerless on how to make money, save money, and grow money. Enslave yourself to debt, spend money on assets that depreciate, and believe you are powerless regarding your finances.

7. Allow past mistakes to forever define you

You know you did it. Everyone knows you did it. No matter what you do for the rest of your life, let that past mistake(s) to define the totality of who you are. Don't be a person who grows, moves on, or overcomes bad choices. Instead, give up and assume there is no good in the future because of something you have done in the past.

8. Ignore the important questions of life

Few things ruin our lives more than avoiding the big questions in life-Who am I? Why am I here? If there is a God, how can I know him? What is my purpose in life? What truly matters in life? Ignore these questions to ensure that you aren't living a meaningful life. Instead of answering the tough questions, focus more on the trivial issues.

9. Refuse to forgive others (and yourself)

Be demanding of others. Expect perfection from them and when they can't meet your standard, judge them. End any relationship when someone does you wrong. Forgiveness is risky and undeserved; refuse to give it anyone-including yourself.

10. Reject gratitude and choose bitterness

Don't focus on the good things of life. Ignore what you have. Close your eyes to beauty. Don't recognize nature. Instead, consider what others have, dream of what would make your life better, and compare yourself to everyone around you. Let every action be tainted by your bitterness.

The great news about this list is that not every point is required to ruin your life. Experiencing just one point is enough to have a negative influence on your life. Add two or three points and you are on track to ruin your life.

But if you don't want to ruin your life, look at each point and avoid them. Realize the foolishness of each idea and find a better way.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kevin Thompson's website. It has been republished here with permission.

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Men are visual. Wives need to understand the visual nature of men and respond accordingly.

However, women are visual as well. They may not be as visual as men, but they still have eyes. What they see greatly influences how they feel and respond. Husbands need to understand the visual nature of women and respond accordingly.

Here are four things wives need to see

1. Hard work

Wives have a right to assume their husband will work hard. It is an expectation. While there are rightful exceptions-physical limitations, illness, difficult seasons-the general rule should apply that husbands work hard.

The mistake many men make is they work hard at work, but not at home or in their relationship. Hard work means a strong effort in multiple areas of life. If a husband is working hard at work, but not at home, chances are his wife will correctly conclude that he is lazy.

Hard work should define the man outside the home, inside the home, and within the marriage.

2. Full attention

The demands on the average husband are many. From work, to family, to social obligations, most men are just as stretched as their wives. But wives still deserve the full attention of their husbands. They can't have it all the time. In certain seasons, it will be far less than others. But in regular amounts, husbands should drop everything and focus solely on their wives.

Full attention means:

• looking her intently in the eye

• listening without distractions

• focusing on her needs and fears

• not having a wandering eye toward other women

• valuing her above work, kids, and hobbies

• being passionate about her and your relationship

3. Good grooming

It's amazing how often this topic comes up when speaking with wives. Some men wrongly conclude that women don't care how their husbands look. They do. Yet, this doesn't always mean they are longing for a better looking spouse. It means they want their husband to do the best with what he's got.

While marriage does allow for a person to see us in our most vulnerable state, it does not give us permission to ignore the basic steps of making ourselves presentable. Two simple steps: don't be gross and if she points something out, try to do your best to fix it.

We can't avoid the decay of time on our bodies, but we can make an effort through diet, exercise, and intention to take care of ourselves. Whenever we invest in ourselves, we are also investing in our marriage.

4. Right Priorities

Wives need to see, not just hear, that they are more important than work. They need to know their husbands have properly ordered their lives. Without right priorities, wives can rightly question the intention of their husbands. But when priorities are properly aligned, most wives will do everything they can to assist their husbands in every aspect of life.

Work is important, but it doesn't trump family. Kids deserve our full-attention, but we should never put our children before our spouses. Hobbies are good, but they should always be an addition to life and not the main focus.

It's a false caricature to believe men are solely visual and women aren't visual at all. Our eyes are important to both men and women. While the visual matters more to most men, it still plays a key role within the lives of women.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kevin Thompson's website. It has been republished here with permission.

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A reader asked, "What type of woman should I not marry?"

Whenever I'm giving young men marriage advice, I always say, "Find a woman who is low maintenance and highly motivated." It's how I describe my wife Jenny and what I think defines two important characteristics in a good wife. Of course, some women would describe themselves (or be described by their husbands) as "high maintenance" and they are still good wives. However, a low maintenance spouse makes for an easier marriage.

Both of these qualities can be found if a person identifies five distinct qualities and ensures they are not present in the person they desire to marry.

Five Types of Women You Shouldn't Marry

1. Spoiled

While fathers love to spoil their daughters, little girls should not grow up to be spoiled women. There is nothing wrong with liking good things and wanting a man to provide for his family. However, when a woman feels entitled to things without making an equal contribution, she is not cut out for a successful marriage. To spoil is to change the character of something because of "excessive indulgence." If a woman's character has been compromised because of wealth or material things, stay away from her.

2. Lazy

Laziness is often a byproduct of being spoiled, but some people are lazy without being spoiled. A solid work-ethic is important for a happy marriage. If both spouses aren't willing to work, marriage will be very difficult. Work-ethic isn't about drawing a paycheck, it's about consistently making the effort required for a successful life. Whether at a job, around the house, or in the relationship, laziness will kill a marriage. If a person is lazy while dating, they will likely be just as lazy, if not more so, when married.

3. Unstable

Emotional stability is often overlooked as a key characteristic of a good spouse, yet it's importance should be obvious. When someone is emotionally stable, they are reasonably predictable. In nearly every case, we know how they will respond. However, when someone is emotionally unstable, we never know what we are going to get. They might laugh at a situation one time and fly off the handle the next time. They might receive a comment as a compliment on one day but then be deeply hurt by the same words the next day. The unpredictable responses can paralyze a spouse. When looking for a spouse, find someone who is emotionally stable.

4. Unfaithful

While adultery is devastating no matter the relationship, when women are unfaithful it is even less likely a relationship will endure. Maybe it's because men are less forgiving. More likely it is because when women have an affair the relationship is already in deeper trouble. But no matter the situation, any hint of unfaithfulness while dating should cause a man to run.

5. Addicted

No matter how great a woman may be, if she is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling or any other destructive behavior, it will likely destroy the relationship. The problem with addiction is the active addict is more in love with their substance than their spouse. While a recovering addict can make a great spouse, an active addict cannot. If you love someone who is in an addiction, tell them to fix the addiction and then give you a call. But do not marry someone in the midst of the struggle.

While the reader asked his question about women, these five qualities are true in every relationship. If your potential spouse is free from these five qualities, it will go a long way in creating a healthy relationship.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kevin Thompson's blog. It has been republished here with permission.

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Good relationships are often hard to find. Whether a long-lasting marriage or a new dating relationship which shows tremendous potential, when you find a good relationship you should do everything in your power to keep it good.

Unfortunately, while a good relationship is hard to find, it is easy destroy. As a pastor, I'm often amazed at how easily people ruin something that is good. On a regular basis I sit and listen to people who desperately want a good relationship. Sometimes they want it so bad, they foolishly get into a bad relationship because their desire for a relationship outweighs their wisdom.

So while some are jumping into bad relationships or longing to be in good relationships, others are carelessly throwing away great situations because of their poor decision-making.

Here are five ways to ruin a good relationship:

1. Feel as though you deserve your partner (or someone better)

Entitlement is deadly. The moment we think we deserve our partner, we are on a slippery slope toward justifying both inaction and inappropriate behavior. A good relationship should give birth to gratitude (and gratitude often gives birth to a good relationship).

While we shouldn't believe our partner is better than us or out of our league, we should only be in a relationship with someone we deeply respect which should prevent us from believing we are better than our partner.

2. Make the relationship all about you

Some people are more in love with the idea of love than an actual person. The greatest sign that is the case is when one person makes the whole relationship about them. They want all the privileges of being a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, but they don't want any of the responsibilities of those roles.

The last place a selfish person needs to be is in a relationship with another person. If you can't submit your dreams and desires to another person, you have no ability to be in a healthy relationship. A relationship should always be about "us," and never about "me."

3. Only do what you feel like doing

Feelings come and go. Whatever you feel today, you likely won't feel the exact same thing tomorrow. In bad relationships, people only do what they feel like doing. If they don't feel in love, they don't act loving. If they don't feel forgiving, they don't forgive. If they don't feel like being nice, they aren't nice.

A healthy relationship requires discipline - doing what is right even when you don't feel like it. Without discipline, a couple will be tossed back and forth by whatever one party is feeling in the moment. Volatile relationships are rarely good relationships.

4. Ignore your current season of life

Life has seasons. You don't wear a swimsuit in the winter and you don't need a heavy coat in the summer. In the same way, a young couple in a good high school relationship shouldn't act married and a long-time married couple shouldn't act like they are fifteen.

When a couple ignores the season of life, they ignore the responsibilities of that season. Just because a relationship is good, don't rush it to the next stage. Just because your marriage is happy, don't fight against the advancement of time. Act your age, live your stage, and a good relationship can become better. Ignore your current season of life, and you will ruin a good relationship.

5. Assume that because your relationship is good today, it will be good to tomorrow.

Good relationships are made. They happen for specific reasons. They don't just occur without any effort. Show me a great relationship which looks easy and I'll show you two people who have put a good deal of effort into making that relationship good.

Most assumptions are dangerous, but few assumptions are more dangerous than thinking we have a relationship figured out. We never have it all figured out. Every good couple is in a continual pursuit of more knowledge, understanding, and ability. The moment you think you have arrived, you are starting to die.

I know a lot of people who long for a good relationship. If you are one of the lucky ones who is currently in a relationship with a good guy or good girl, don't be foolish. Recognize your good fortune and do the work necessary to keep the relationship good.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kevin A. Thompson's blog. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

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Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kevin A. Thompson's blog. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

CrossFit is a life-transforming exercise program.

The benefits of CrossFit are many, including increased:

• strength

• agility

• endurance

• confidence

I have seen the benefit to many friends and church members who begin CrossFit.

Yet CrossFit shares a hidden secret with many other formal workout programs.

Exercise can bring tremendous benefits to a marriage, yet on many occasions I have seen well-intended people start exercise programs and they end up making decisions that hurt their marriage.

As long as someone knows the risks and makes good choices in response to those risks, the benefits of exercise far outweigh the dangers. However, if someone blindly signs up and never considers what boundaries they need to set, a new exercise program can have fatal consequences.

Three Reasons Affairs Happen in Exercise Programs

1. Because some are looking

Some begin to exercise as preparation for the next relationship. Knowing their marriage is ending, they begin to workout to make themselves more attractive for what will come next. Since their present relationship is unhealthy and they are already considering the next step, it makes them very susceptible to an inappropriate relationship.

Others aren't just susceptible, they are on the prowl. Their pain is so great and their loneliness so deep that they are willing to connect with anyone no matter the personal cost to the other person. Maybe they are aware of their desire, many times they are not. Either way, knowing that some are looking for a relationship should cause a faithful husband or wife to be on their guard. It doesn't prevent them from joining the program; it simply gives them an awareness and wisdom in how to interact with others.

2. Because some are unaware

While some are looking for relationships, others are unaware of the danger.

Human willpower does not come in infinite quantities. It is limited. When we use discipline and willpower in one area, our resolve is depleted in another area. Much like a muscle reaches the point of exhaustion, so does willpower.

The good news is that willpower can be developed. By excercising willpower, it is strengthened. This is one reason exercise is a beneficial routine. The discipline creates more discipline.

However, when we start a new activity which requires willpower, we must be very aware of its effects. Using our willpower to workout puts us at risk for other bad habits.

Staying faithful to a relationship is a combination of building a healthy relationship, creating wise boundaries, and resisting temptation. When we are using our willpower in other areas, we must be cognizant of the danger and compensate for the threat.

3. Because the conditions are right

Even if a person isn't looking and they are aware of their diminished willpower, affairs can occur simply because exercise helps one's sex life.

Moving from a sedentary lifestyle to an active lifestyle makes one look, feel, and interact better.

Looking

better makes them both more attractive to others and more confident in themselves. This confidence easily translates to an openness to sex.

Feeling

better includes an increased production of testosterone which increases aggressiveness and sexual desire. A person will desire sex more and be more likely to initiate.

Interacting

better moves one from isolation to community. Whenever a couple asks for advice of how to reconnect, I often encourage them to start a new hobby together. Exercising is a great option. Doing an activity together can greatly bond a couple. This is a great gift to a struggling marriage, but it is a great threat when the man and woman aren't married to each other.

Looking, feeling, and interacting in better ways because of exercise can be a threat to marriage, but it can also be a great benefit. If these qualities are not used to engage in an inappropriate relationship but are used in relation to one's spouse, the results can be dramatic.

If you want to exercise, but do not want the program to hurt your marriage, adhere to the following guidelines.

Ten Guardrails for an Exercise Program

1. Check your intent before starting a program. Are your motives pure?

2. Develop a healthy relationship with your spouse.

3. Make a conscious decision to be a person of high character and integrity.

4. Have an accountability partner who asks you questions about your feelings toward people of the opposite sex.

5. If possible, workout with your spouse.

6. Do not exchange phone numbers with people of the opposite sex that you meet at the gym.

7. Do not engage in conversations with people of the opposite sex outside the gym. (i.e Facebook, Twitter, etc.)

8. Make sure you have transparency with your spouse regarding passwords and social media accounts.

9. Have a healthy skepticism about the intentions of others.

10. Go to workout; get your emotional needs met in other places.

Endnote: Some might roll their eyes at this post thinking it is foolish. It's OK to disagree, but just remember that I regularly sit with couples within hours after an affair has been revealed. I can't tell you how often I have heard, "I met him/her at the gym. It started innocently, but "¦"

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Who is in charge of your family? Your church? Your office?

I'm not asking who has the title of "leader." I'm asking who is really in charge. Who determines when Christmas is held or what decision gets made or who is the person to whom everyone has to adjust their schedule?

Far too often it is the most unhealthy person in your family, church, or office.

It is a sad tendency of humanity when placed in a group of people, we allow the sickest among us to lead.

Rarely do we give them the title of leader, yet often we allow them to determine our course of action. And it's ludicrous.

So the addict runs the family, the worst employee defines the company, and the most insecure members define the church.

It's nearly unbelievable except we have all experienced it.

We've been expected to rearrange our holiday schedules because a holiday "belongs" to a certain mother or grandmother.

We've watched a non-profit sacrifice its mission to please one individual.

We've had the same conversations at work every year, but no one is willing to do anything about it.

Say it out loud: "Let's follow the most unhealthy person and see how that goes."

Why the most unhealthy lead ..

The most unhealthy often lead because we are a people who are driven by comfort. And nothing feels more uncomfortable than emotional unhealthiness. Confronting it takes courage and a willingness to be uncomfortable. Avoiding it requires no courage and gives the facade of peace.

So we let the unhealthy lead.

They determine what is said and not said at family meals. All the healthy people know what they are not allowed to say when Aunt Betty is in the room.

They determine how much fun we have at work. All the healthy employees know when to be quiet and follow the rules when Dave is around.

They determine what is done at church. The whole congregation would love a different style of worship, but no one brings it up because Jack would throw a fit.

So they lead.

And we let them.

But it doesn't have to be that way ..

There is an alternative.

The healthy can lead

They can have the courage not to submit the whole organization or family to the desires of its most emotionally unhealthy member. They can give each person the opportunity to play by the same rules or not to play at all. They can, in love and respect, call attention to inappropriate words or behavior by people.

The healthy can lead

They can do what is right, no matter how much the unhealthy protest. They can act, no matter how tempting it is to do nothing. They can do what everyone wants to do, but everyone is afraid to do for fear of hurting the unhealthy.

The healthy can lead

Will you make it right ...

You have the ability. You can recognize your emotional unhealthiness and refuse to act from it. You can experience emotional health and determine to live in it. You can change everything.

Someone will lead - your family, church, and organization. Someone will lead. Without courage, no matter who has the title of leader, leadership will be surrendered to the most emotionally unhealthy among us. With courage, the healthy will lead.

No explanation is needed for which is a better choice.

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We long for the idea of a soul mate.

We think:

every Adam has an Eve.

every Romeo needs a Juliet.

every Pebbles gets her Bam Bam.

A good number of people believe there is one perfect person who was created for us and the great challenge of life is for us to find them.

The Greek Myth

The idea of the soul mate comes from Greek mythology. Legend has it that the Greek God, Zeus, looked down on four-armed and four-legged humanity with fear. He was afraid we could become too powerful and might overtake him. In an effort to weaken us, he cut us in half so that we would spend our days searching for our twin soul, our soul mate, our other half.

It is from Greek mythology that some believe there is only one person created exactly for you.

If the idea of a soul mate is true, then

Marriage should be easy. If someone was created just for me, we should then fit together like a perfect glove. Every one of my weaknesses should be compensated by her strength, and each of my strengths should compensate for her weaknesses.

It's possible to marry the wrong person

It wouldn't just be possible, it would actually be likely. If there is just one person I can marry, the chances of me finding that person - especially on the first try - is slim. If I marry the wrong person, I'm either destined to failure or need to divorce.

If I'm single, my life is not complete

If I'm looking for my other half, then I'm just half a person until I find them.

All of these are lies. They are mistaken beliefs which interject stress into dating relationships, weaken marriages, and create discontent in anyone believing them.

The Christian Truth

In contrast to soul mate mythology, Christian theology gives a different view of marriage.

The Christian view of marriage is:

Every person is created in the image of God and in no need of being completed by another person. While men and women complement one another, we do not complete one another.

Being a single adult is a satisfying way to live and is often preferred.

Everyone is free to marry another person if they desire to do so.

They can choose whomever they wish, although God gives guidance to what makes a wise choice.

We enter into marriage expecting difficulty because we are fallen people in a fallen world and God desires us to be transformed into his likeness.

Since there is not one person created for us, we cannot claim we married the wrong person. The choice is ours; whomever we choose becomes the right person.

The great challenge of relationships is not to find the one person created specifically for you. The great challenge is to pick someone and work at the relationship to such an extent that eventually it feels as though there could never be anyone else for you.

Choice Trumps Force

My wife is not my soul mate. She wasn't created just for me. She does not complete me.

As romantic as it sounds to say she was "created for me," it is far more truthful to say, "God gave her the choice to marry anyone in the world and she chose me."

If soul mate mythology were true, love would not be a choice but an uncontrollable urge. Christian theology is much more beautiful. My wife wasn't forced to love me; she has chosen to love me. She wasn't created for me; she has given herself to me.

The idea of a soul mate might sound more appealing on a card; it might feel more romantic in a movie; but in truth it is but a mirage of something far better - a truly committed relationship based on the individual choice of love.

Which is better, a love of choice or a love of force?

I'm grateful my wife is not my soul mate. It reaffirms her true love for me. She was not forced to love me, but has freely chosen to do so. And that is the greatest Valentine's gift I can ever receive.

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I played golf on my anniversary.

I wouldn't necessarily try that at your home unless you are absolutely certain your wife is OK with it and even then I would double check.

The round of golf was the last of a four-day golf tournament which I play in every year and which happened to end on our anniversary.

I played because my wife said it was OK to play.

I believed her because that's who we choose to be.

We choose to be a couple which is honest with one another about our thoughts, feelings, and expectations.

We aren't perfect. We fail miserably. Yet our desire is to be a couple which openly communicates with one another.

A guiding principle to produce this outcome is the understanding that I can't read my spouse's mind.

And I can't expect her to read my mind either.

I hear it all the time:

• "If he loved me, he would know what I want."

• "I shouldn't have to ask."

• "He should know what he did wrong."

Even if he should know, he doesn't. Even if you shouldn't have to ask, you do. And even you want him to know, he won't until you tell him.

People are different. They see the world differently. They have different expectations. They have different experiences.

Men and women are even more different. We were created with different strengths and weakness. We are supposed to see the world differently.

Because of these differences, we can't expect others to be able to read our minds.

Love is not the ability to know what our spouse is thinking without asking; love is taking the time, asking, listening, and acting in response to what our spouse tells us.

Because we can't read each other's minds, we must:

Take each other's words at face value

If I say something, Jenny must assume I mean it. I can't say one thing expecting her to interpret it as something else. If she says "yes," she can't expect me to understand, "I'm saying yes, but I really mean no so you better not do it." If I say I'm OK with something, I better be OK with it.

Assume we don't know what the other is thinking

Assumptions can be dangerous. If we assume we know what the other is thinking, we would be tempted not to ask our spouse their thoughts. By assuming we don't know what the other is thinking, we are more likely to communicate. If you are going to assume, assume you don't know.

Be understanding when we get it wrong

Marriage is supposed to be difficult. We are supposed to get it wrong. Being wrong allows us to grow. If we never made mistakes, we would never learn more about one another or ourselves. We would never truly need the love on which on relationship is based.

Jenny and I would love to be that couple who completely understands each other with such depth that we can complete each other's sentences and know what the other person thinks before they even say it.

Because we want to be that couple, we do everything to share our minds, hearts, and feelings. Becoming that couple is not something that happens when a couple falls in love; it is a byproduct of a lifetime of communication, shared experiences, and learning to understand one another.

It's not my job to read my spouse's mind. It's my job to share my mind with my spouse and to listen to my spouse as she shares her mind.

Side-note to men

If you are wondering how you can convince your wife to let you play golf on your anniversary, you can't.

For many women, an anniversary is an important day where your time, attention, and gifts are vital to her feeling loved. That's not true for Jenny.

To her, it's important that we celebrate our anniversary, but the specific day doesn't matter.

She doesn't like gifts; she prefers shared experiences.

Every June we take a trip and celebrate our anniversary. Having taken our trip, I knew she probably wouldn't mind me playing. I asked. She agreed.

If I thought she would hesitate, I wouldn't have asked. If she had asked me not to play, I wouldn't have played.

If your wife doesn't think this way, deal with it. Appreciate what you have and don't try to change her.

If your wife thinks this way - doesn't care about the actual day, doesn't want gifts, and lets you play golf - thank God and don't brag about it (except via a blog).

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I notice it when I'm stressed - my pace quickens, my stride gets longer; I walk fast. When I catch myself, my mind always goes back to graduate school. I worked at a church for a semester. The pastor was wonderful. He was kind, compassionate, and always made time for me. The internship was a school assignment which did very little to impact my academics, but did much to impact my soul.

When the semester ended, I had a closing session with the pastor. It was supposed to be about what I had learned, but at the end of the meeting the pastor asked if I had any advice for him. It was a funny picture - a 20-something kid who had never been a pastor giving advice to someone who had done the job well for over 20 years. But one thing quickly popped into my mind and I probably said it when I shouldn't have.

"Walk slower,"

I said. It wasn't what he expected. He was intrigued. "Walk slower," he repeated. "Why?"

I explained what I had noticed over the past few months. He was a fast walker and rightly so. The demands of a large church are many. No one fully understands it until they have been there. The pastor is expected to do everything for everyone in a perfect way and with a great attitude. It can be overwhelming. The result is that pastors are almost always running from one thing to the next.

Over a decade into the pastorate myself now, I realize there are two reasons pastors tend to walk fast:

1. We are busy and nearly always running late.

2. Walking fast communicates a busyness and people are less likely to stop us, interrupt us, or require something from us.

As an outsider in this pastor's life I had watched the looks on faces as he walked by at a high speed. They wanted to say something, to be seen, to be recognized. They didn't want to bother him, but they wanted to relate to him. His high speed prevented it from happening so my advice was to walk slower. It wouldn't make his life easier, but it would communicate an ease to those around him. They would feel as though he saw them.

Pastors walk fast because they are in a hurry but they also walk fast to protect themselves. Hearts, which are probably already giving more than they are getting, have to find ways to protect what is left.

As pastors are in life, many of us are at Christmas. We walk too fast

We do so because we are busy. There are gifts to be bought, meals to be prepared, Christmas cards to send. The demands of Christmas occur in the midst of the normal demands of life. Christmastime is almost always busier and because of that we pick up the pace.

Yet whether we realize it or not, a good number of us pick up the pace this time of year not just because we are busy, but because we are hurting. The faster we walk, the less we see, remember, or feel. We walk fast to protect ourselves.

The happiest time of the year can be one of the most painful times. This is a holiday which gathers every potential source of pain and has them all sit down for a meal - family of origin, memory of childhood, loved ones lost, loved ones absent, loved ones who never loved back. It can be overwhelming.

For many, Christmas is something far more to be endured than enjoyed.

So we run. Some out of busyness, some out of pain, but we all run. Yet in running we miss it.

We don't miss the pain. That's a human deception to believe we can out run the pain. Running doesn't deprive us of the pain; it deprives us of the healing. It robs us of the good which can intermingle with our sorrow.

Running doesn't lessen our stress. We don't get more done; it doesn't make the season easier.

By hurrying through the holiday, we don't miss any of the bad, but we miss much, if not all, of the good.

Most of the good things in life cannot be experienced in a hurry - a loving look from a spouse, the reaction of a child, a recognition of all the blessings. These things are only experienced slowly. A good meal has to be savored, a warm fire has to be enjoyed, family has to be cherished - these are experiences which must be taken in slowly.

So it is with Jesus. He won't be experienced in a hurry

We can't run through Christmas and expect to see him. We will only meet him if we walk.

So take your time.

Don't hurry the days. Don't rush the moments.

Walk slowly. Observe. Experience. Wait.

In so doing, listen, see, and feel the presence of God.

He is here. Calling to us and desiring to reveal himself in the midst of the thrill and sorrow. The joy reminds us of what he has done for us. The pain proves this world is not our ultimate home. The regret defines our need for his presence. The flashes of perfection give us a taste of what is to come in heaven. The disappointments remind us we are not there yet.

Feel it. Embrace it. Live every moment of this season as an act of worship to God, but know this - worship can never be hurried. It can happen in the middle of chaos, pressing demands, and the sense of being overwhelmed, but worship itself demands a paced heart, a keen eye, an attentive ear, and a slow walk.

While everyone else runs through the season, let's walk.

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