Because of this familiar conflict, many parents may wonder if there is even a point to this argument.  At what point does it become too much of a headache to get your tween or teen to clean their room?  And does it even matter in the grand scheme of things if their room is clean?  Like many things related to parenting, a clean bedroom itself is not a pressing parenting issue that will have long-term effects on your children. However, the way that parents teach their kids about the importance of cleaning their room and the nature of what children learn as they consistently clean their room does matter.  This type of task hits at the heart of the structural element of parenting, a key part of having a healthy relationship with your kids and teaching them the needed skills to be a functioning adults.  So, should you press and force your kids to clean their room each day?  Let’s see what the experts say.

Why it Does Matter

There are important reasons why you may want to not lay off your kids when it comes to picking up that messy room.  At the very least, there are a few things to consider as a parent that should help you both frame these discussions and help you prioritize when elements of that messy room matter the most.

1. Follow-through May Be the Most Important Lesson. When it comes to teaching kids about structure and organization, one of the most important lessons they can learn is about follow-through.  Experts have noted that one of the best predictors of future success in life is tied to setting and keeping goals.  People who have what is called goal-driven behavior (they follow through with their goals) often are happier and more successful in adulthood.  That means that one of the most important things you can be emphasizing with a child when they clean their room is the importance of following through.  Instead of getting mad at them for a messy room, have them set a goal for when it will be done and then focus on if they meet this goal or not.
2. Teaching about Resources. Realizing and using resources in our life is one of the best predictors of healthy coping during stressful situations in adulthood. That means that one of the important lessons children need to learn is how to use resources in their life.  Cleaning their room can be an opportunity to learn about how to find and use resources.  Do they have a sibling they can use to help them (perhaps in exchange for helping them with a chore)?  Are there boxes or storage bins in the house that can make the tasks easier?  Encourage your kids to think outside the box to help them with the task at hand.
3. It’s Not About the Room. Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind when it comes to your kids having a clean room is that it’s not about the room at all.  It’s about the larger skills and goals you want to pass along to your child that will help them structure their life as an adult.  Don’t make these goals and hopes hidden from your child.  Say them out loud!  When your child puts up resistance to cleaning their room, talk to them about why it’s important to you and what you want them to learn about adulthood.  While this may not suddenly create a change in heart, it will help them to focus and think about the underlying skills you are hoping to create within them.

Why it Doesn’t Matter

Despite these important reasons why teaching kids to clean their room is important, there are also reasons why having a clean room doesn’t matter in the long run.  The best way to think about these factors is that they are the inconsequential reasons we might want our kids to clean their room that should not be things you linger on or focus on because they don’t really matter according to the experts.

1. Cleanliness is a Low Factor for Healthy Adulthood. We’ve all heard the old phrase, “cleanliness is next to Godliness,” but social science research suggests that being a clean person is not necessarily associated with a lot of positive adult outcomes.  This research suggests that there are a lot of sloppy and messy people who are very successful and well-adjusted adults.  While general organization skills do matter (more on that in a minute), how clean you keep your room, your house, your car, or really anything, simply doesn’t seem to correlate much with long-term success in adulthood.  In other words, while your personal preference might lean towards a clean and organized home, at the end of the day a messy room doesn’t really predict much about your child’s future success.
2. Consistent Conflict Does Matter. There is something to be said about consistently having conflict with a child around a certain topic. When parents and children consistently fight and that conflict turns negative, it can have an overall negative effect on the relationship.  While conflict may be needed on some important topics, the cleanliness of a room should rarely elevate to that level.  If cleaning a room is creating a conflict with a child that is consistently becoming negative, it may have a harmful effect on your relationship with your child. On a topic like this, that negatively is rarely worth it.
3. Structural Priorities Matter. Teaching a child how to keep a clean room and putting rules on this process is one important way that parents can teach their kids about keeping a structured life.  But it’s only one of many ways a parent might teach this lesson and many other ways may teach kids more important lessons about structure.  One of the main goals for parents when it comes to the structural element of their parent-child relationship is to teach their kids to organize areas of their life to help them learn how to function effectively on a daily basis.  Research has suggested that there are areas of a tween’s life that can be particularly suited for this type of lesson.  For example, helping kids stay organized and structured around their schoolwork has been linked to many positive outcomes in adulthood.  Helping teens get and keep their first job through helping them organize both their time and their finances is also highly related to positive outcomes later in life as well.  In other words, even for parents who are worried about teaching their kids the importance of organization and structure, there may be other areas of a child’s life that will provide a better platform for these lessons.

The Bottom-Line

The bottom line when it comes to room cleanliness is simply this; the outcome doesn’t really matter, but the process does. So, while you may be tempted to give your kids a free pass when it comes to a messy room, remember that having your kids clean their room is one way you can teach them important skills about structure in their life.  It may not be the only way, but it could be a way you teach your kids about how to utilize resources and follow through with promises they make.  It can be a way that you help them manage their time and make important priorities about how they use their time. Instead of getting frustrated with how they never seem to learn that it’s easier to just put things away rather than on the floor, remember that a messy room is a great opportunity to teach and guide your kids in ways that will teach the lessons beyond just having a cleanroom.

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Relationship experts define “relationship effort” as how much romantic partners prioritize their relationship in relation to other parts of life. They also emphasize that relationship effort involves how much partners engage in behaviors that are aimed at improving or maintaining their relationship. These behaviors involve paying attention to the current levels of connection and communication in the relationship and making intentional efforts to spend time together.  It also involves striving to address areas of struggle and to improve the relationship over time. For some people and couples, this involves setting goals and making changes in their relationship that improve the quality of the relationship for both partners. Research on couples has found that couples with high levels of relationship effort tend to have higher levels of relationship satisfaction, higher commitment to each other, and better communication. Research has also shown that simply thinking about the importance of your relationship can also strengthen commitment and improve personal satisfaction.  These better outcomes tend to be the result of these couples having higher levels of partner availability, engagement, and responsiveness which creates higher levels of trust, security, and interdependence between partners.

Research on couple relationships shows that high levels of “relationship effort” are a key part of loving and lasting relationships.  Experts define relationship effort by how much mental energy and time commitment romantic partners give to their relationships in relation to other parts of their lives.  The following is a breakdown of the various impacts that these have on relationships.

A Neglected Relationship

When there is a lack of focus on both mental energy and time priority it becomes a “neglected relationship.” This means that those couples are relatively low in both the amount of mental energy and time they dedicate to the relationship. In most cases, this pattern is a bit of a red flag for a couple and means that renewed efforts are needed to spend time together and pay greater attention to the level of connection in the relationship. Occasionally, low levels of mental energy and time commitment occur when couples are dealing with conflict and maybe withdrawing from the issues. In some situations, unique life circumstances like taking on a new job or becoming new parents can temporarily reduce the focus they put on the relationship. In these cases, couples typically benefit from striving to turn toward each other, rather than away from each other in addressing their troubles and stresses. Whatever the cause of the lower levels of relationship effort, research shows that couples at all stages of their relationship benefit from intentional efforts to strengthen, maintain, and repair their relationship.  If this sounds like you, make the goal to create some simple ways for you and your partner to spend more time together each week – your relationship will benefit from creating some ways for you and your partner to come together and nurture your relationship.

An Interrupted Relationship

When there is a focus on mental energy and lack of focus on time priority it becomes an “interrupted relationship.” This mean means that couples give high levels of mental energy to the relationship, but are relatively low in the amount of time they are able to give to it. In most cases, this pattern occurs when couples are experiencing a busy schedule that pulls their time commitments in several different directions. Whether it’s work, parenting, or caring for a parent, the relationship is being squeezed out more than one would like. Whatever other commitments are crowding out the relationship, research shows that couples at all stages of their relationship benefit from intentional efforts to strengthen, maintain, and repair their relationship. If this sounds like you, make the goal to prioritize time with your partner by rearranging your schedule or saying no to other things from time-to-time.  The much-needed time together will restore and strengthen your bond as a couple and help you establish better habits for your relationship.

A Distracted Relationship

When there is a lack of focus on mental energy and high focus on time priority it becomes a “distracted relationship.” This mean means that couples give high levels of time commitment to the relationship, but are relatively low in the amount of mental energy they give to it. In most cases, this pattern occurs when couples are well-coordinated in their schedules and are spending time together, but when they are together they are often thinking about other things or are distracted by technology or other activities.  If this sounds like you, your goal is to improve the depth of your interactions when you are together as a couple. Are there ways you can better connect when you are together? Are there things you can do to show love and appreciation to your partner when you are apart?  Let your partner know that your relationship matters to you and find some simple ways to give more attention and energy to your relationship.

A Prioritized Relationship

When the focus on mental energy and time priority are put together it becomes a “prioritized relationship.” This mean means that couples are relatively high in both the amount of mental energy and time they dedicate to the relationship. In most cases, this pattern is a real strength for a couple and means that intentional efforts are made to spend time together and attention paid to the level of connection in the relationship. Occasionally, high levels of mental energy and time commitment occur when couples are dealing with conflict. But, even in these cases, it is a good sign that partners are engaging with each other rather than withdrawing from the issues. Couples at all stages of their relationship benefit from intentional efforts to strengthen, maintain, and repair their relationship. These patterns will show that couples have embraced this truth about relationships and the relationship is likely benefitting from the intentional efforts.

While everyone must dedicate time to other life commitments, such as work or parenting, partners who carefully safeguard their time together tend to report higher relationship satisfaction than couples who let other commitments crowd out their time together. There is no better time than now to consider the areas of your life that make relationship priority a challenge. Think on how other areas of your life compete for your time and make sure that your relationship isn’t missing out on important daily and weekly patterns of meaningful interaction. Or you might be someone that may be putting too much time into the relationship.  While giving time to your relationship is important, you need to keep your relationship in balance with other life commitments. In fact, feeling that your relationship is balanced with your other life commitments will actually help your relationship in the long run as it will lower stress and allow you time together to be more focused. If your relationship time and mental energy commitment is in balance with the other parts of your life these patterns are likely benefitting your relationship now and in the long run.

If you are curious to know where you stand in your relationship, take our free assessment, "Are You Giving Your Relationship The Attention It Needs?"

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Sexual intimacy and affectionate touch have been found to influence many parts of a couple’s relationship.  For example, couples who report more intimate touch report that they have more effective communication, less conflict, and easier conflict resolution. Research also suggests that intimate touch buffers stress in couple relationships, with both men and women who report more frequent sexual intimacy reporting less daily stress, less reactivity to stressors, and faster recovery from stress. Sexual intimacy has also been shown to influence emotional closeness and the sense of attachment within couple relationships. Because of the strong symbolic nature of sexual intimacy, couples with more frequent and satisfying sexual relationships also feel that their partner is more concerned with their well-being and responsive to their needs. Although communication and spending time together are essential parts of building emotional intimacy, physical intimacy reinforces the closeness of the relationship and provides a tangible reminder of the partner’s love. As a result, individuals who share affectionate touch and sexual intimacy as frequently as they desire are more likely to have a sense of security in the relationship because they feel safe and cared for by their partner.  Consider whether you and your partner are on the same page with the physical intimacy part of your relationship.  If you see areas of difference or disagreement, find ways to improve the sexual intimacy in your relationship.

Here is a breakdown of sexual desire differences and suggestions on how to manage them.

You desire more sexual intimacy than is happening.

Having a higher desire for sexual intimacy than what is currently occurring in your relationship is one of, if not the, most common complaint in relationships when it comes to physical intimacy.  If you find yourself in this category, don’t feel alone!  However, research does suggest that having a discrepancy between desire and frequency when it comes to sexual intimacy can decrease satisfaction in a relationship, increase frustration with one’s partner, and decrease the frequency of intimacy even more over time!   The first step to making sure this doesn’t happen in your relationship is to start talking openly with your partner about your desires.  This conversation shouldn’t focus on increasing the frequency of intimacy to match your desire, but rather to help your partner understand your perspective and open a dialogue focused on compromise and responsiveness. Often the partner with the lower desire is viewed as the “gatekeeper” of the physical relationship.  As the high desire partner, this may make you feel like you are unloved or that your partner is not interested in you (both physically and emotionally).  It may be important to ask your partner about their lower desire level. Be a good listener, their low desire may have nothing to do with you! Try to listen to what your partner is looking for that may help them feel more desire in your relationship.  It may be different than what makes you feel desire for your partner.  Embrace these differences and find ways to make your partner feel loved and appreciated.

You desire less sexual intimacy than is happening.

Having a lower desire for sexual intimacy than what is currently occurring in your relationship is a common complaint in relationships when it comes to intimacy. While research suggests this is more common for women than men, it can occur in either (or both!) partners.  So, if this sounds like you, don’t feel alone!  A discrepancy between partners in terms of desire for sexual intimacy has been linked in research to several negative outcomes, especially if these mismatched desires exist for a long period of time or create a lingering sense of dissatisfaction for one or both partners. To ensure this doesn't happen in your relationship, you should start talking openly with your partner about your desires.  This conversation shouldn’t focus on decreasing the frequency of intimacy to match your desire, but rather to help your partner understand your perspective and open a dialogue focused on compromise.  Often the partner with the lower desire is viewed as the “gatekeeper” of the relationship.  As the low desire partner, you may feel a lot of pressure in your relationship when it comes to intimacy.  This may increase your anxiety about intimacy and make intimate encounters more frustrating than bonding. The first step to improving this area of your relationship is to understand where your lower desire is coming from.  This may be due to a physical condition; in which case a medical professional may be able to help. Or it may be more emotional in nature. Perhaps your partner does not fully understand your needs when it comes to physical intimacy in the relationship.  Tell them!  Try to do so in a way that doesn’t come across as blaming or nagging.  Simply be honest about how you feel and what you need to increase the desire for sexual intimacy in your relationship!

You're on the same page with physical intimacy.

Congratulations!  You are avoiding one of, if not the, most common complaints in relationships when it comes to intimacy.  This doesn’t mean that the intimacy in your relationship will always match your desire.  It is normal for intimacy to fluctuate over time in any relationship.  To make sure future shifts do not undermine the health of your relationship, consider having open and regular conversations with your partner about the intimacy in your relationship, if you’re not already.  The first step to making sure future differences don’t undermine your relationship is to start talking opening with your partner about your desires.  This conversation shouldn’t focus on increasing the frequency of intimacy or changing someone’s desire, but to help your partner understand your perspective and open a dialogue focused on understanding each other for when difference may come up.   Research shows that couples with similar desires tend to be the most satisfied and happy with their relationship. Since you’re on the same page with higher desires for sexual intimacy, your main focus should be on making sure that commitments outside your relationship don’t get in the way of your time to be together.

Since physical intimacy desires can often be different from affectionate touch desires, here is a breakdown of affectionate touch desire differences and suggestions on how to manage them:

You desire more affectionate touch than is happening.

You are likely a person who values physical touch and feels a sense of bonding when you share affectionate touching with your partner. This may be because you are a “touch focused” person who shares emotions through physical touch, or maybe your partner doesn’t enjoy or seek out affectionate touch as much as you do.  This gap between what you desire and what is happening in your relationship may be disappointing to you or perhaps you feel like you’re trying to match up with your partner’s preferences.  Either way, your needs matter and it will benefit your relationship if you can find ways to increase the amount of affectionate touch in your relationship.  As you identify frustrations, communicate them to your partner and take the time to discuss with your partner how you might make specific goals in the coming weeks to improve this important area of your life.

You desire less affectionate touch than is happening.

This may be because you value other forms of communication than physical touch and you don’t feel as much of a sense of bonding with affectionate touch as your partner does. Or maybe you just don’t enjoy or seek out affectionate touch as much as your partner’s does. It’s not uncommon for partners to have different preferences for different types of physical intimacy. This gap between what you desire and what is happening in your relationship may be frustrating you or it means you are a responsive partner who is willing to meet your partner’s needs. Keep one thing in mind, research suggests that how satisfied both partners are with their physical intimacy is often more important than how often it occurs.  This suggests that the most important thing you can do to increase you and your partner’s satisfaction is to not only focus on how often intimacy is occurring, but also on the level of dissatisfied or frustration you feel. As you identify frustrations, communicate them to your partner and take the time to discuss with your partner how you might make specific goals in the coming weeks to improve this important area of your life.

You're on the same page with affectionate touch.

This is great!  This type of similarity likely makes this a comfortable part of your relationship where you feel synced up with each other. You likely share a relationship with regular affectionate touch that shares your feelings for each other in more than just words. In fact, you may be tempted to take for granted how easily you and your partner connect through touch. Keep one thing in mind, research suggests that how satisfied both partners are with their physical intimacy is often more important than how often it occurs.  This suggests that the most important thing you can do to increase your satisfaction is not to focus only on how often intimacy is occurring but also on the level of dissatisfied or frustration you feel. As you identify frustrations, communicate them to your partner and take the time to discuss with your partner how you might make specific goals in the coming weeks to improve this important area of your life.  Continue to focus on your partner’s desires, as well as your own and this will be a strength for your relationship in many ways.

Whether you are at the high end of the spectrum and sharing a regular pattern of physical intimacy and affectionate touch, or at the lower end of the spectrum in your relationship, there is no better time than now to check-in on this aspect of your relationship. Having a healthy match between your desires and the behaviors in your relationship increases the likelihood that you have higher satisfaction in your relationship.  Research suggests that there is no “one size fits all” pattern for physical intimacy and affectionate touch in a relationship.  Instead, when both partners are mutually content and satisfied with the physical intimacy in their relationship, this is often more important than how often it occurs.  If you are curious to know where you stand, take our free assessment, "Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page When It Comes to Sex?"

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Couple bonds refer to the aspect of relationships where specific, special connections with each other are found.  These are different parts of your relationship where partners feel attracted to each other and where feel like they are on the same page and well-suited for each other. Relationship bonds speak to how we think and identify ourselves as a couple and what makes us different and unique in our relationships.  While each relationship is different, these experts have identified several common bonds that couples can possess. The results from the Coupled Relationship Type Assessment helps couples discover the deep bond they share and will help them harness the power of that connection to make it even stronger.  

The following are brief definitions of the nine bond types commonly found across relationships.

The Masterminds: Intellectual Bond

Share a “meeting of the minds” and love expressing their ideas and opinions with each other. They form a deep connection and appreciation for each other through engaging conversation and mutual respect.  Masterminds tend to build each other’s self-confidence.  When someone values and respects our opinion, we tend to get more confident.  Mastermind couples excel at building this confidence by provide positive feedback and encourage of each partner’s opinions.

The Best Friends: Emotional Bond

Are “hooked at the heart and soul” with each other.  Always sharing their thoughts and feelings with each other and truly embody the trust, companionship and unconditional love of a true best friend.  Best Friends are less likely to worry about their relationship than other couples and trust that their partner is fully engaged in the relationship.

The Rocks: Supportive Bond

Are each other’s most trusted confidant – supporting each other through life’s ups and downs.  The Rocks usually have better mental health. Validation and support are key parts of having healthy mental health. Couples often have elevated mental health ratings than singles and couples who score high in this category are likely to benefit from this boost.

The Honeymooners:  Physical Bond

Respond to the power of touch that puts a romantic spark at the heart of their relationship.  The Honeymooners often feel loved by their partners on a daily basis. Acts of intimacy are really expression of love. Because couples who score high in this area often have regular physical connections, they often feel an elevated sense of love in their relationship.

The Rendezvouers: Shared Activities

Are “joined at the hip” – they love to spend every second they can with each other and connect through new adventures and exploring life together.  Rendezvouers have a strong sense of couple identity. Healthy relationships are about creating a joint sense of purpose. Spending a lot of time in share activities often helps foster this process.

The Altruists:  Intimate Giving Bond

Believe that “actions speak louder than words” when it comes to expressing love through intimate giving and service.  Altruists tend to be really good at reading emotions in other people. They track their partners’ mood state and like to lift their partner up when they sense he or she is feeling down or discouraged.

The Teammates:  Teammate Bond

Find deep connection in collaboration as they work together as true partners.  Teammates feel like they can conquer the world together. Scoring high in this bond area often means couples feel they can overcome any obstacle, big or small. This gives them confidence when major (or minor) stresses come up in their relationship.

The Devoted:  Shared Vision Bond

Take the term “life partners” to heart as they build a shared vision of life together.  The Devoted are much more than just romantic partners, they are partners who draw a sense of loyalty and unity from their shared pursuits such as raising children, undertaking community activities together, participating jointly in religious practices, or owning a business together.

Better Halves:  Personal Growth Bond

Are living proof that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts – they bring out the best version of each other.  Better Halves tend to be growth-oriented people who love to set goals and strive to improve themselves. They get a deep satisfaction out of helping each other do this – it’s what makes them tick!

While your relationship may be characterized by only one strong type of bond, most couples have several types of bonds that make their relationship unique and strong.  This assessment will help you discover these bonds in a way that you hadn't considered before.  The experience also will provide you with an insightful report on your scores and how these bonds make your relationship unique and how you can continue to strengthen these bond areas.  The report also addresses weaknesses and guidance on how you can better develop those areas.

This assessment was developed on the latest scientific research on couple psychology, ensuring it has strong validity and is based on the latest social science research on healthy relationships.  Items within the assessment were constructed by couple relationship experts and the scoring of the assessment was overseen by a panel of couple relationship scientists.

Coupled is currently free and private.  Take the assessment here to get an accurate definition of who you are together and understand what makes your love so special.

Learn more about the relationship experts that designed Coupled on our Family Today Research Team page.

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