Although you feel alone, you're actually part of 109 million single Americans over 18 in the United States, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Single adults make up 45 percent of the U.S. population.

So don't be so hard on yourself this Valentine's Day. Remember that loving yourself isn't only OK — it's important.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your little ones. Your children are watching. And they'll learn to love themselves by watching you.

Here are some fun ways to celebrate Valentine's Day with those little ones that love you unconditionally:

Valentine's Day pancakes

These Betty Crocker pancakes are a great way to surprise kids and start the day. Simply divide pancake batter between two bowls, color one batch red, and use a cookie cutter heart. Use frosting to write personal notes. After all, it's a holiday!

Family mail boxes

Before Valentine's Day, spend an evening decorating old-fashioned Valentine's Day boxes. Encourage the kids to put notes and gifts in each other's boxes.

You can make notes that say things like, "Good for a trip to the pool," or "Good for a bike ride." Try this fun design, or a simple tissue box with wrapping paper works just fine, too.

Valentine's Day scavenger hunt

Use construction paper hearts and set up a scavenger hunt that ends with treats, love notes, a movie or fun games.

Photo scavenger hunts work well for small children. Take a photo of their favorite toy, a chair, their room, etc. and any other fun places in your home. Start the game by handing your child a photo of their favorite toy. Tell them to go find it. When they find it, they should also find with it a photo of the next item or place to find. The hunt will end with something fun that they enjoy.

My Kids Adventure has fun ideas for older children.

Special delivery

If your children attend school or daycare, sneak a special note or treat into their backpack or lunchbox.

Or, if it's allowed, deliver store-bought balloons or treats for each child in their class. Check with the adults in charge, and make sure you bring enough for everyone.

Don't forget to treat yourself

You can be the best date you've ever had. Spoil yourself with your favorite flowers and goodies. Watch your favorite movie, read a book and take a hot bath.

Don't forget to have flowers, candy or even a singing Valentine delivered to yourself at work. You'll keep everyone wondering, and you know you'll like the surprise — because it's from you!

And if none of this makes you feel much better, watch Studio C's "The Mad Scientist Ruins Valentine's Day," and remember — we're all alone in this together.

The post 5 fun Valentine’s Day ideas you need to try if you’re a single mom appeared first on FamilyToday.

Fifteen-year-old Kayla called her mom to pick her up early from a party. When her mother picked her up, Kayla shared her challenges. She explained that her friends invited her to drink. She liked them, but they didn't want to be with her unless she drank with them.

The thing that makes this story rare and wonderful is that Kayla had long ago made the decision on her own be healthy and not drink in high school. She also never felt the need to drink to fit in and be accepted. But the discussion with her mother was never about that. Most of the conversation centered around her concern for her friends and the consequences of their decisions, like their safety or being removed from school teams if they were caught.

Kayla's self-worth and personal values were like a roadmap that led her safely through the landmines of teenage peer pressures. But what made Kayla so strong? Where did she get her self-worth and her ability to maintain her values despite the potential cost of friendships? How did she know her value wasn't dependent on other's opinions?

Does your daughter know her worth doesn't depend on what her friends think? Does she have a strong sense of who she is and what her own personal values are?

Try this experiment

Go to the nearest mirror and ask the person looking back at you what their value is. Listen to how you talk to yourself. Do you notice flaws, weight or that pimple on your face? Research tells us that whatever you feel when you look in the mirror is what your daughter will feel.

Start with your own self-worth.

"Sad to say, unless you've managed to rectify your own self-esteem deficiencies, it's unrealistic to expect that you'll be able to assist your kids in thinking all that favorably about themselves," says author and psychologist Leon Seltzer.

In other words, your actions are speaking so loudly, they will override anything you tell your children. If you base your sense of self-worth on what other's think of you or acceptance by your peers, so will your children.

"The way you choose to measure your worth affects the kind of life you'll live. Use a measuring stick based on factors you can control - not the external events in your life," psychotherapist Amy Morin says. "Instead of chasing things that temporarily boost your self-esteem, measure your self-worth by who you are at your core. Behave according to your values and create a life of meaning and purpose."

Take this test

1. Name at least 10 things you DO, not look like or are, that you feel are of value.

2. How did you decide the 10 things you listed were of value? Where they based on other's opinions, how they look to others or on personal values you have chosen to adopt as your own?

For example, does your weight or figure make you feel of value, or does the way you choose to take good care of your body and health give you a sense of self-worth?

3. How do you measure the world? Do you look at what others have or look like, or do you look at what others do?

Our children are always watching and listening to us. If they hear us chat with friends about how much weight someone has gained or how awful their car is, they will learn to measure others by weight and possession. If they hear you talk about other accomplishments like completing education or volunteering at a shelter, they will believe those are important and measure people's worth by a list of actions, rather than pants size.

Be an example of high self-worth

There is a difference between self-worth and self-esteem. Self-esteem is based on the appreciation we have for our abilities. Self-worth is the value we assign to ourselves and hopefully the deep sense of our innate value.

How do you measure self-worth? If you measure your worth by kindness to others, your interactions with friends and family, your integrity and sense of fairness then your child will too. Be a living example of what is important.

Travis Bradberry, best-selling author of "Emotional Intelligence 2.0," says, "The best way to avoid falling prey to the opinions of others is to realize that other people's opinions are just that-opinions. Regardless of how great or terrible they think you are, that's only their opinion. Your true self-worth comes from within."

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will really hurt you. Help your child build an armor of self-worth. Help them find their value by praising their kindness, integrity and compassion. Choose measurements for worth that will protect your daughter from bending to the opinions of others.

The post Raising a daughter who knows appeared first on FamilyToday.

Ashante (name changed for privacy) met her husband many years ago in Oregon while he was stationed in Nebraska and serving in the airforce. Their courtship mostly consisted of long late night phone calls lasting from 3 to 4 hours. Without the distractions, most dating couples have gotten to know each other by sharing thoughts and stories and ideas.

After they had been married some years they had to add a second line to their home to accommodate a computer. Every so often the phone would ring, Ashante would answer it and it would be him, on the phone calling from the next room. She said, "We'd talk for an hour or two... we'd talk about everything from silly to serious to the mundane. I still get little butterflies thinking about those sweet treasured moments of 'connecting' whether from a thousand miles away or from the next room."

Ashante's husband spoke two of Gary Chapman's famous 5 Love Language, "Words of affirmation," and "Quality time." Focus on the Family explains we all speak different emotional love languages and in order to show our partner we love them, we should first find out what their love language is.

Here are four more cute things you can do to show your partner you love them using their love language:

1. Receiving gifts

You don't have to be rich to give gifts. You just have to be thoughtful. Keep a list of all the things your partner likes. Get creative.

If your wife really loves camping, borrow or buy a pop-up tent, set it up in the bedroom. Don't forget candles and microwave S'mores. Remember, wrapping paper and bows can make anything a special gift. Make yourself a ribbon bow-tie and pin the card to your shirt. Happy camping!

2. Words of affirmation

Take a stack of post-it notes and write words or sentences on each post-it that describes your wife. For example, "great kisser, makes me laugh, beautiful." Make a sign that reads, "My wife is..." While your wife is at work, with friends or shopping find her car and tape the sign to the windshield and then over the car with your notes of love!

You could also write a poem or rap. It doesn't have to be good. Silly but sincere works! Find a musician and ask them to put music to your love note. Have them go to your wife's work or surprise her at home and serenade her. This song will be best appreciated with chocolate.

3. Physical touch

In the dead of winter if you can get a few hours alone at home, make an excuse to get your wife out of the house just long enough to set up a surprise. Crank the heat up, light a fire in the fireplace and clear the floor. Lay out your best beach towels, get the beach boys music playing or an old 50's beach movie. Heat up the suntan lotion and get on your bathing suit. When your wife returns offer to help her put on her sunscreen. Everyone who loves physical touch loves a message!

4. Acts of service

Use DIY Teen's bath bomb recipe to make your wife a homemade bath bomb. Buy or collect candles. Clean the bathroom like it has never been cleaned before. Collect your wife's favorite reading material, softest robe and get the kids to bed. Turn on your love song- you know the one. Add roses, light the candle and start the bath. Invite your wife to an hour by herself while you do the dishes or tidy up. Make sure you have clean sheets on the bed so you can tuck her in when she is ready to tell you how much she appreciates you.

If you're not sure what love language your wife speaks, we recommend you try all five and see which makes her smile most!

5. Quality time

Quality time is the easiest love language of all and the most difficult all at the same time. Time is free and yet hard to come by. Take the time to learn the things your wife loves to do and then spend all your free time doing them.

For example, Lisa loves to go "Yard Sale-ing." Her husband can take the time to find all of Saturday's yard sales and then sail away with Lisa, a handful of cash and a picnic basket. She is sure to find treasures and he is sure to treasure the time.

The post 5 cute things that tell your wife you love her appeared first on FamilyToday.

Thankfully, for women who choose to work or need to work, many things are better for females than they were 40 years ago. However, there are some obstacles women need to face when it comes to equality and respect, especially in the workplace.

Here are nine mistakes you can avoid making:

1. Not demanding equal pay

The Lilly Ledbetter act of 2009 was put in place so women could demand equal pay, and yet, studies still show women are paid an average of 0.77 cents for every dollar a man is paid.

Know what you are worth and ask for it.

2. Dressing for style instead of the job you want

A recent Forbes article states: "Appropriate dress has never been an issue until just the last few years. It's not just Gen Y job applicants who come to their job interviews dressed like they're going to a club or to the beach."

Revealing clothing, glow in the dark hair or jewelry that weighs more than 50 pounds also doesn't belong in the workplace. Call attention to yourself for your good works, not your outfit. Strive to earn your respect based on your performance, not your costume.

3. Networking like you're still in high school

Hanging with the girls and gossiping during lunch should have ended with high school graduation. Now that you're in the workplace, network with those who teach you, enrich you and respect you in return. See the value of your co-workers and choose to spend time indulging in intellectual stimulation rather than coffee break gossip.

4. Failing to say no and set healthy boundaries

If you have a hard time saying no, plan to be the one cleaning the breakroom daily and watering the office plants while the managers meet. The best part of the female gender historically has been the beautiful role of caregiver. However, there's no reason those tasks should be delegated to you just because you are a woman. Take turns with your coworkers to keep things running smoothly. Don't identify as the office mom, unless you want to stay in that role.

5. Not keeping a cool head at parties

Yes, you should dress up for the Christmas party ... just dress appropriately to earn the respect you would like to have from co-workers. Also, the office is not the place for frat house antics or drinking contests. We've all heard about those epic urban office myths - Unfortunately, some are true. Try to stay out the office party history books.

6. Lie, cheat, steal or worse!

There are some boundaries that should never be crossed. Alex (name changed for privacy) shared the following story, "I once worked with a wonderful woman who passed away suddenly leaving a large family behind. Another co-worker set up a Go-Fund-Me for her children. We later learned the co-worker kept the money that should have gone to the kids and spent it gambling and shopping." Even though Alex's co-worker didn't break any rules at work, or get fired, she still damaged her own reputation and lost respect. If you make a mistake, own up to it and repair it, quickly.

7. Failing to know your rights or complain

Sandy was pregnant but afraid to tell her employer for fear she would lose her job. But when her employer offered her a promotion, Sandy finally admitted she was pregnant only to be passed over for the promotion.

Sandy definitely had grounds for a grievance and yet avoided conflict. Why? All too often, fear of conflict can perpetuate on-the-job abuse, including things as insidious as sexual abuse.

When you stand up for yourself and you will also be standing up for the rights of others - If you are struggling, it's likely you're not the only one.

8. Not asking for what you want

Do you want to work from home, only part-time? Do you wish you had a raise? Are you looking to receive credit for all the extra work you've been doing? Present a reasonable case for what you are asking, make your argument and risk being told no.

9. Complaining to your co-workers without looking for a solution

On Purpose Consulting compares gossip to cancer; "Gossip is not helpful as it enables individuals to continually talk about other people with no accountability - often times team members will become pseudo-connected through this negativity. In other words, they become fused 'as friends' through the common interest of criticizing another person. ...Gossip tends to create cliques of individuals while it excludes others. This cancerous behavior will undermine team dynamics and create a more negative workplace."

If you have a complaint, think of a solution. Don't create office relationships based on gossip, create them based on finding answers. When you take a complaint to a boss, also take a possible solution.

Getting the proper respect in the workplace (and all other aspects of life) is not out of reach. Just remember the words of Shirley Chisholm; "If they don't give you a seat at the table, bring a folding chair."

The post 9 mistakes women commonly make in the workplace that cost them the respect they deserve appeared first on FamilyToday.

Stories of sexual abuse and assault involving children are a horrific reality. Because of this, parents unfortunately have to educate their children on sex trafficking, abuse and assault starting at a young age to hopefully avoid adding to the statistics.

Hopefully having these six rules in your family can help educate and protect your kids:

1. You are allowed to fight back

Active Response Training did a review of the research and reported, "Almost all studies show that resistance is successful in preventing the completion of a personal crime. This holds true in rape, robbery, and assault. Resistance is an especially effective tactic in preventing most rapes. A woman who physically resists a rapist doubles her chance of escaping rape"

Fight Like Girls is a new organization sharing one woman's experience fighting back. Bre Lasley narrowly escaped death in part by her unwillingness to stop fighting her attacker. Lasley has joined with Elizabeth Smart to help found the organization to help empower women to fight back against whatever they are struggling with, be that abuse, mental disorders or other afflictions.

2. The only secrets in our family are birthday or Christmas presents

When it comes to sexual assault and abuse, strangers aren't the biggest danger. Only 28 percent of sexual assaults are committed by strangers according to RAINN; The majority of perpetrators were known to the victim. Perpetrators often groom victims or manipulate them so they won't tell. Even things like offering to let the child watch a "grown-up" movie and not tell mom can become blackmail. Encourage an atmosphere of honesty in your family to help prevent unhealthy, harmful, manipulative and dangerous secrets from even starting.

Rainn also provides some helpful information parents can use to talk to their children (and teens) about sexual assault.

3. In our family, we won't punish you if you make a mistake

In one of Arizona State University's sex trafficking case studies, researchers reported that "during recruitment (for sex trafficking perpetrators) in 15.7 percent of cases provided their minor victims with drugs and/or alcohol."

Talk to kids about the importance of staying alert in social groups, not taking food or drinks from others at parties, covering their soda pop cans or drinks and throwing away food and beverages that have been left unattended.

Also make sure your children know you love them, even if they make a mistake. There is nothing worse than hearing from a survivor years after their assault that they didn't tell their parents because they didn't want them to know they'd been under the influence of drugs or alcohol before the attack.

Set up a policy that children will not be punished if they ask for help - even if they need help getting home after drinking at a party despite the family's "no alcohol" rule.

4. Always ask permission before you go anywhere with anyone ... even if you know them ... even if they are family

Sex traffickers don't always jump out from behind a bush. Sometimes they're the Romeo figure in your daughter's life, promising her a place to run away to, or the chance to go on an adventure. They may be a coach or and acquaintance you've seen around the neighborhood. Teach your children to tell you before they go anywhere with anyone.

5. Home is home, no matter what

Allow children space to cool off, but always make sure you plan time to come back together if a family discussion gets headed. As often as you can, know where they are and who your child are with. Let them know running away shouldn't be a way to deal with frustration or anger.

Make sure your children know that no matter what, you will come and pick them up and bring them home. There is nothing they can do that is so bad that they can't come home.

6. In our family, we don't have secret accounts and we share passwords

Social media was used in the recruitment of 1 in 3 sex trafficking victims, according to a recent study. While social media can be a wonderful and positive way to let youth stay in touch with friends and family, it's a dangerous tool when used without supervision and safety settings.

Use media in supervised areas and talk to youth about the choices they make on and offline. Give them the facts and let them know you share passwords because you love each other and want them to stay safe - be sure to educate in a firm, yet age appropriate way. As a parent, be a part of your child's online life.

Additionally, children need to know they have value and are loved unconditionally. Often, victims blame themselves when bad things happen in an effort to make sense of their world. As parents, we can let them know the world may never make sense, but they will always be loved, listened to, and safe to tell you anything.

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At first, your date seems wonderful. They are so in love with you, and they want to be with you every minute of every day. You always receive a "Good morning, how are you?" text from him or her, loving their sincere interest in you. It is so flattering when they turn green with jealousy if another person flirts with you. Besides, they have been hurt before, and they're afraid you will cheat on them. They have already hinted at marriage. They know you are struggling to stay on a budget and have even offered to help you by setting up a budget and paying bills. They tell you how beautiful you are without makeup and insist you dress modestly. The only downside to your date is their feeling your friends are a bad influence. They prefer time alone together instead of going out with friends or family. They keep telling you that you make them happy, and they need you and only you.

If all of these things were true, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) may be concerned for you. You have just listed five warning signs your date may someday turn out to be physically abusive.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in the United States. The NCADV and other agencies serving survivors are urging us all to "Take a Stand" against domestic violence. The National Network to End Domestic Violence and other experts would like us all to increase our awareness of what abuse is and how to recognize the signs.

Most domestic abusers use power and control tactics to maintain control in their intimate relationships. The Duluth Power and Control Wheel shows how abusers use intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, economic abuse and even threats in an effort to control their victims. When threats don't work, they may break out into physical abuse or physical tactics to maintain control.

Here are five crazy signs your date has the potential to be physically violent

1. Showing jealousy of the victim's family, friends and time spent away

It may start as a suggestion that your friends aren't good for you or your family makes them uncomfortable. The plea to spend less time with friends and family might be innocent, but over time abusers will work to isolate their victims. It is common for survivors to report moving far from family or having lost connections to loved ones to keep the peace with the abuser. Insisting you cut ties with the people closest to you is a red flag for abuse.

2. Stalking the victim or monitoring every move

At first, it's fun to have a date that is always in touch, wondering where you are and missing you. Later, they make suggestions as to how you might better use your time, or complain when you are away too long or don't answer your text immediately. Gradually the strings tighten, and they are tracking you. Abusers, because they are sure you are cheating on them or have low self-esteem, may even resort to using keystroke logging or complicated apps to make sure you are being faithful. Nothing you do to reassure them will be enough. If you are changing your lifestyle to make the abuser happy or have to account for your whereabouts, this is a red flag.

3. Controlling every penny spent in the household

At first, abusers often tell you they want to help. They point out the bad decisions they feel you are making about money. Gradually, in an effort to keep the peace, you may give up more control of your finances. What starts out as helpful becomes the noose around your wallet. Abusers have gone so far as to sabotage victims by calling their office frequently or disabling vehicles until survivors lose their jobs and are dependent on the abuser for everything. What looks helpful may actually be a red flag for physical abuse.

4. Dictating how the victim dresses or looks

This often starts with small requests to wear certain clothes or telling the victim they look good without makeup. Later it may escalate to the abuser telling the victim they are dressing or wearing things to attract others. The abuser may play the victim, confusing the true victim and making them feel guilty for how they dress. A good way to spot this is by asking yourself if you have changed your behavior, clothes or appearance to keep the peace in your relationship. If you have, this is a red flag.

5. Pressuring you for a commitment or marriage

Quick involvement can feel like magic - the promise of someone to whisk you away from your stressful life to that place called "love." However, this is also a sign of an abusive relationship. Do they want your commitment because you are truly "the one," or is it because they are insecure and need control and power over you? Someone who really loves you and is healthy will wait until you are comfortable. Quick involvement, even when flattering, is a red flag for abuse.

Award-winning author, Maya Angelou, once said, "Love liberates," and she is right. True love doesn't control. True love trusts and wants what is best for the loved one, even if that is someone else. True love isn't selfish. True love liberates, allowing us to be the best self we choose to be.

The post 5 crazy signs your date may turn out to be dangerous appeared first on FamilyToday.

"Heather Smith Wolsey had tears in her eyes as she thanked Salt Lake County leaders ... 'You don't know it yet,' she said, choking back tears, 'but you've done a great thing ... ' Wolsey told of how she lived in fear of her abusive ex-husband, how she 'would scream so loud and he would hit so hard,' and yet she felt alone, wondering why none of her neighbors ever called police for help ... " KSL.com

Recently during a presentation on domestic violence, a participant asked, "What can I do if I hear my neighbors fighting?" The presenter pointed out that doing nothing is an action and then asked the woman, "How would you feel if your neighbor died and you did nothing?" Doing something about domestic violence is homicide prevention.

One in three women and one in four men will experience intimate partner violence, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. This means you probably know someone who is a survivor, are related to a survivor or have survived domestic abuse.

Here are six things you can to today to make a difference:

1. When you see someone being assaulted or abused call 911, then move to safety

Although police will have your number and your statement as a witness is priceless, it is better to call anonymously than not at all.

2. Know resources and stay connected to loved ones

When a friend or family member has unusual injuries and their story is inconsistent, ask questions or offer support. You don't have to solve their problems or move them into your house; just be a supportive listener and keep resource information like the phone number to the National Domestic Violence Hotline handy (1-800-799-7233 or 800-799-SAFE).

Remember, abusers are often jealous and controlling. If you write a phone number for a survivor, write something that will not get the survivor in trouble if found by the abuser. For example, write "Mary Kay" and then the hotline phone number or "Mabel Leadbetter, PTO President." Survivors may need to use a public phone to avoid leaving a trail for abusers.

3. Learn the signs

The Domestic Violence Shelter website includes common signs of abuse. Survivors are often isolated, make excuses to avoid spending time away from the abuser, wear long sleeves or other unseasonably warm clothing to cover injuries or the abuser may control their phone and money, making it impossible for the victim to use them.

Abusers may use child custody threats, withholding money or blackmail to control survivors. As a safety precaution, offer support, but then guide survivors to seek professional assistance. Experts can help the survivor leave safely and give you advice that will keep everyone out of harm's way.

4. Get expert advice free, 24-hours a day

If you worry about a friend or family member's safety and you're unsure of what you should do, you can call the same National Domestic Violence Hotline number survivors call for expert advice that is completely confidential.

Discussing your friend with people at work or gossiping about neighbors can actually increase the danger for a survivor. Local and national resources require confidentiality, so go to the resources for help and guidance.

5. Be a voice for abused children or children who witness abuse

When a child reports domestic abuse, call the authorities and report it to local police or child welfare services so they can offer support services to the survivor if appropriate. Many abusers also abuse their children. According to the Department of Justice, one in nine children witnessed domestic violence last year, and 90 percent saw the violence as opposed to hearing it.

According to Changing Minds Now, child exposure to domestic violence impacts brain development. Reporting child abuse or concerns does not necessarily mean children will be removed from parents, but if your local agencies are effective it will lead to an offering of resources to the survivor and safety planning.

Learning to identify domestic violence saves lives in the workplace, school, in our friends and families homes. True, calling for help has its risks. But, when you choose to do nothing, that choice may leave you with regret if the survivor or their children lose their lives.

Let us all work together to tell survivors we are here for them. Learn the signs, reach out to survivors, carry hotline numbers and protect children by taking action.

The post EVERY woman needs to understand these 7 things about domestic violence appeared first on FamilyToday.

As of 2010, one in four women and one in seven men have been victims of severe intimate partner violence in their lifetime, according to the Center for Disease Control. One in six American women has experienced attempted or completed rape in her lifetime. One in ten reported rapes involve a male victim, according to RAINN. But, how many sexual and physical assaults go unreported?

RAINN states only 310 of 1,000 rapes are reported, with only 57 perpetrators arrested following a report. Do these statistics make you wonder if someone you know is carrying this dark secret? Could it be your own partner is a survivor and isn't comfortable telling anyone, even you?

How can you tell if your spouse was abused?

The human brain is permanently impacted by trauma, but it can heal. Dr. Daniel Amen reports, "Growing up in a chaotic, aggressive environment causes the same brain changes in children as what soldiers experience in war. It can actually change your brain, perhaps for the rest of your life. While emotional trauma in childhood can follow you into adulthood, it doesn't have to."

And there it is, the good news! Your spouse can heal and get help.

When an abuse survivor is triggered they may

• Suddenly become angry for what seems like no reason

• Disappear, leave or tell you to leave

• Freeze or experience traumatic immobility. Traumatic immobility is a state of overload which leads to an inability to take action, as your partner is so overwhelmed.

When triggered by sights, smells or sounds, survivors with PTSD experience adrenaline and cortisol dumping into their system. This starts a fight, flight or traumatic immobility response.

Your spouse's PTSD episode might seem out of the blue. Certain sounds, words or smells can trigger your partner and they may become angry, agitated or checked out. Perhaps you'll find a pattern to their behavior over time, but if your spouse has enough triggers it might feel totally random.

For example, a veteran of war may not watch fireworks on Independence Day. A tradition that was a joy becomes a reminder of explosions during the war, triggering the adrenaline and responses.

Being unaware that your partner is an abuse survivor could lead to odd conversations as they try to explain why they're so upset.

Does your partner use alcohol, work long hours or use other coping methods?

Trauma survivors often use tactics to cope with their abuse history. Those tactics can be positive and negative at the same time. For example, according to Maxine Harris, Ph.D., high-cost tactics for self-soothing may involve drugs, alcohol or other addictions and the cost may be incarceration. Low-cost tactics like taking a yoga class may soothe as well as drugs, just in a different way.

In her article "Culture Shock," Harris said, "Understanding trauma...changes fundamental questions... For instance, providers who ask people seeking services 'What has happened to you?" are adopting a much more inviting stance than asking, implicitly or explicitly, 'What is your problem?' or 'What is wrong with you?'" It's important for you to know how to ask these questions to help your partner cope.

Basic signs your partner may be an abuse survivor

1. Survivors of sexual assault respond in many ways, including not being present during sex or checking out, refusing sex or being overly sexualized.

2. Survivors may have failed to develop healthy boundaries. Either they keep people at a distance and don't like being touched, or they cross others boundaries by touching them (hugs, pat on the back, rubbing a shoulder) without catching subtle clues the touch isn't welcome.

3. Random outbursts, running away or checking out after being triggered

4. Nightmares, intrusive memories

5. Sleeping with all their clothes on, not bathing or gaining large amounts of weight to keep people from being interested in them sexually

Before you ask your spouse if they are abuse survivors

1. Make sure you are ready to hear the answer and give support. IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT! Remember, the only person responsible is the abuser, even if the survivor blames themselves.

2. If you are a survivor, ask a professional to help you if disclosing the abuse will trigger you.

3. Have the conversation in a safe, private place without distractions or interruptions.

1. Have a plan to give your spouse support from professionals, family or trusted resources.

2. Be prepared to accompany them on their journey to healing by taking care of yourself.

3. If you feel it would help, have the conversation with professional support from a therapist or counselor.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline or RAINN have local resources that are often free.

The post 5 symptoms your spouse may have been abused in the past but is scared to tell you about it appeared first on FamilyToday.

"My parents were arguing and my sister was only a few months old," Sabina said. "I will never be able to recall what was said, only that I grabbed my sister when it began, and hid both of us behind the washer. The emotions I feel when I think of that night are overwhelming and make me very anxious. On the other hand, I knew even at five years old that I loved my sister and didn't want her to experience the things I had and would have done anything to protect her."

Not every argument escalates to violence, but every argument creates stress. Even at five years old, Sabina was keenly aware of the negative energy, felt threatened and tried to protect a sibling. She can't recall the words her parents said, but she remembers her feelings clearly.

What you do in front of your children matters

Abigail grew up in a stable home. Her parents rarely disagreed and if they did, it wasn't in front of the children. She said there was only the occasional glance or discussion about busy schedules or chores. She felt conflict was resolved quickly. She appreciated their example.

"Kids are sophisticated conflict analysts," said Diana Divecha, Ph.D. "The degree to which they detect emotion is much more refined than parents might guess.... Kids can tell the difference between a resolution that's been forced versus one that's resolved with positive emotion, and it matters."

Abigail's husband, however, wasn't as lucky

"My husband came from a home where his father could be quite mean," Abigail said. "His mom picked herself off the floor if she spoke up, so usually, she just tried to do whatever she could to please him. [As a consequence, my husband and I] work very hard together to create a safe and happy place for our kids."

Our kids pay more attention to our actions than our words. Abigail's husband has to work hard to learn what Abigail learned so naturally.

Children are like sponges, absorbing knowledge by watching and listening

Barb remembers watching her parents argue on a long, hot desert road trip. She noted when her father became understandably upset, her mother started making jokes. Soon they were all laughing. Because she watched the situation play out, she learned a valuable lesson about how appropriate humor can defuse a difficult situation.

Children between ages two and six feel like the center of the universe.

At this stage, children are egocentric and assume if parent's are fighting it is their fault or they can fix it.

Child development theorist Jean Piaget explained, "Childrens' thoughts and communications are typically egocentric. Egocentrism refers to the child's inability to see another person's point of view. According to Piaget, the egocentric child assumes that other people see, hear and feel exactly the same as the child does."

This means that young children will be sure they caused your fight, blame themselves, try to intervene or try to stop the argument.

An excellent publication by the Public Health Agency of Canada lists common thoughts and misconceptions of children witnessing a parent being abused. The child might think everything will go back to normal when the fight is over, or that their parents won't fight again if they behave well.

Older children may take on the unnecessary responsibility of making peace

Advocates who work with survivors of intimate partner abuse regularly hear youth explain how they tried to get between adults to stop fights. This can lead to safety issues for children.

An article by Psychology Today on why children kill parents reported, "90 percent have been abused by their parents. In-depth portraits of such youths have frequently shown that they killed because they could no longer tolerate conditions at home."

The Public Health Agency shared thoughts and feelings teens may have when parents fight. Teens may think they could have prevented the fight, they wonder if their future relationships will be similar and they worry that the neighbors will hear the fighting.

Here are some tips for managing conflict

• As a couple, agree on how you will handle conflict with your children. What will you model for them? What will you share with them?

• Create hand signals to let each other know when you need a break.

• Set boundaries. For example, agree to not call names and decide what topics are appropriate for your children.

• Plan to reassure children, if you can, that it is not about them.

• Write down your rules for fair fighting and revisit them as you manage conflict.

Learn how to manage conflict and fight fair for the sake of your kids. Your marriage and family will be so much happier for it.

Editor's note: Names were changed to protect the privacy of the interview subjects.

The post Mommy, daddy stop please!!! What kids think when you fight appeared first on FamilyToday.

No one goes hunting for their prince or princess charming and says, "Hmmm. I think I will choose someone who is so controlling, so no matter how hard I try I will never meet their expectations until slowly over time I will spend every day trying to keep the peace." So how do people get trapped in these relationships?

There is an old story about frogs: The tale goes, If you put a frog in boiling water it will jump right out. But, if you put it in temped water and slowly raise the temperature, the frog will gradually boil to death. This it also goes for many abusive relationships.

Advocates of intimate partner abuse survivors hear their clients wish to go back to "the way it was when we first met." Victims also minimize their experiences and point out that the perpetrator hasn't hit them, but then describe blackmail, threats, revenge porn and other ways they are being controlled by their abuser.

Why do they want control?

Most abusers feel the need to control their victims. There are many theories as to why including:

• Low self-esteem and fear that the victim will leave them

• Societal norms or a belief that it is a man's right to control his partner

• Fear of losing the victim

• They believe it is acceptable

Dr. Evan Stark stated that many survivors are not physically harmed in the manner we see in the news or movies. He explained that a growing body of evidence points to abusers using coercive control. "Some of the tactics used in coercive control are criminal offenses, such as stalking... But most tactics used in coercive control have no legal standing, are rarely identified with abuse..." He also points out that if seen from the outside, they may simply look like a bad marriage, but looking at these realtionship patterns as a whole reveals abuse. Thanks to Dr. Stark's work and the work of others, the legal system has begun putting laws in place that fit with more subtle forms of abuse.

Even though being demanding, controlling or manipulative isn't a crime; some of the things abusers do to their victims are against the law.

6 things that may be against the law where you live

There is federal law - things that are against the law in all 50 states - and there is state law - things that are against the law depending on the state. Crimes listed below are against the law in many, if not all states. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to reach someone for legal advice in your state. Only a lawyer can give you legal advice.

Harassment

In some states, it is illegal to threaten an intimate partner with bodily harm if the threat can be carried immediately. For example, if your partner tells you they will kill you and then describes how and it is credible or possible they could do it. In some states, a threat that involves a gun or weapon is called Menacing and is an additional crime. Four percent of intimate partner violence survivors report being threatened with a gun.

Coercion

Isolation or controlling the victim's movements is common for abusers. The crime of coercion occurs when an abuser keeps a victim from being able to come and go freely. For example, the abuser locks the victim in the house and refuses to let them leave until they do what the abuser wants or until the abuser can go with them.

Kidnapping

If your partner transports you against your will it can be deemed kidnapping. For example, the abuser decides you are embarrassing them in public, forces you to get into the car and drives you to their home or to a place where they hold you against your will. Abusers will sometimes say it is for your own good and they are protecting you from yourself.

Interfering with a 911 call

In many states, it is now illegal to stop someone from calling for help. If you are arguing with a partner and decide to call for help, if they break your phone or take it away while you're dialing 911, that may be a crime depending on which state you live in.

Revenge Porn

Laws vary state by state, however, it is now illegal in most states to post revenge porn on social media and other sites. Abusers may threaten to show photographs, audio, videos or other pictures they have captured knowingly or without consent to blackmail or maintain control of their intimate partner.

Withholding necessary resources

In some states, if you have a disability or are elderly and your intimate partner withholds medications or other items necessary for your survival, it is a crime. For example, abusers will sometimes take medication, food, telephones, computers and other ways to call for help with them when they leave for work as a method of controlling their partner.

What can you do?

Do you ever find yourself saying, "Well, at least they don't hit me?" You're not alone. There is help. Dr. Stark also reported, "There is mounting evidence that the level of 'control' in abusive relationships is a better predictor than prior assaults of future sexual assault and of severe and fatal violence."

If you feel like a slow boiling frog and you are concerned for your safety, find a safe phone in a neutral location and reach out for help. If you choose to use your computer, be aware your perpetrator may have software tracking your keystrokes or other ways of knowing what you do. The National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) - can help you find resources near you.

The post 6 things you may not consider abuse (when in fact it is a criminal act) appeared first on FamilyToday.