Love

My advice to those who are newly divorced and thinking about entering the dating world: The most important piece of advice that I have is to love yourself before you try to gain the love of others. The feelings that come with being in love are addicting. The highs of being in love allow you to forget the day-to-day feelings of insecurity, angst and self-doubt that many women struggle with. I encourage you to feelthose feelings instead of pushing them deep down inside because eventually, and when you least expect it, they will rise to the surface once again.

Nurture

Once you've felt the uncomfortable feelings and have acknowledged them, I encourage you to work on them. A garden doesn't grow without nourishment and you can't grow as a person without nurturing and caring for yourself. Dig deep to understand your feelings and work through them with tender loving care. Emotional wounds are wounds even though you cannot see them. Find ways to work on these emotions whether it is through journaling, therapy or long walks on the beach.

Repair

If you discover something that you don't like about yourself then by all means, fix it! You can fix yourself but you can't fix anyone else. Forget the craft store, become your own do-it-yourself project! Hold yourself accountable with goals and rewards. Be easy on yourself because change doesn't happen overnight.

Court

Take yourself on a whirlwind courtship and discover who you are. Go to the movies and buy yourself a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Go to dinner in a fancy restaurant overlooking the ocean and then take a walk in the evening air. Learn that silence is truly golden and embrace the quiet times to soul search. Ask yourself all of the questions that you would ask someone on a first date. Learn to fall in love with who you are.

Listen

Entering the dating world: Listen to your gut feelings, and pay attention to every single red flag. If something does not feel right to you then explore that feeling. Go to your quiet place and ask yourself what advice you would give to your sister or best friend. Many times, we hold others in a higher regard than we do ourselves. Pay attention to what your inner voice is telling you.

Love shouldn't hurt. It sounds like common sense and even a bit cliché however; I encourage you to let the simplicity of that statement resonate in your mind. There will be ups and downs, anger and moments of frustration but real love does nothurt. Use borrowed judgment when in doubt by talking to trusted friends or family members. Heed the advice of those that you admire.

Remember

Always remember: You can't have a healthy relationship with others until you learn to have one with yourself first.

The post Starting over and loving again appeared first on FamilyToday.

After three years of emails and text messages that left me in a constant state of fight or flight, I needed to do something to regain my power. My ex-husband's goal was to evoke fear, pain, sadness and insecurity and he was generally successful. I was pleasantly surprised when I inserted the first email into the Decoder and after a few snaps, crackles, pops, and a little smoke, out popped a perfectly deciphered email. This invention is a must for anyone going through a high-conflict divorce with a narcissist or other high conflict personality.

Here is an example of an email from my ex regarding his past due child support balance and being held in contempt of court:

I propose we go to mediation services and not the Commissioner. He is going to be furious to see you and me again. I set up automatic deposits from my wages and the earliest this could start was the paycheck today. If you proceed with this hearing, I do not foresee this being favorable for you as payments will be consistently paid to you three times before this hearing. Let me know so I can proceed with proving you have written false amounts on court documents about your income.

Translated through the Decoder

Before I begin, please take a sip of this Kool-Aid. Let me try and convince you that I could be reasonable in mediation. Pay no attention to my past actions in mediation that caused the evaluator to flag our case for a psychiatric evaluation. I really don't want to go in front of the judge because missing 9 out of 12 child support payments could look really bad for me.

Pay no mind to the broken promises from the past about automatic payments being made and the check that was placed in yesterday's mail. This time, my word is golden. If you proceed with the hearing, I am totally screwed so sit tight and put your feet up while I try and twist this around and project my lies about income onto you.

Recommended response

Thank you for your email. I do plan to go forward with the contempt hearing.

The general rule when dealing with a narcissist is no engagement. Because narcissists are incapable of their own emotions, they try to suck emotions from their victims which is why they are often referred to as emotional vampires. If you find yourself co-parenting with a narcissist, the no engagement rule has to be altered to limited engagement.

• Skim through the narcissist's manifesto for information relevant to the children or co-parenting.

• Ignore the rants, raves and personal attacks.

• Answer the pertinent information with a 2-3 sentence, non-emotional response that is both courteous and business-like.

• Save your emotional response for your journal or counselor.

Over time, the Decoder has allowed me to look at my ex with nothing but pity. I now picture a sad, insecure, 6-year-old bully acting out. I no longer allow him to evoke any emotion or energy from me as he does not deserve an ounce of either. Learning how to communicate with a narcissist allows you to regain your power and your sanity.

The post How to communicate with a narcissist appeared first on FamilyToday.

One of the most important survival tips that I've learned during my four years in divorce court with a narcissist is to know my truths. Anyone who has dealt with a narcissist or other high-conflict personality knows that they are the masters of projection and dishonesty. They love to project their own negative truths onto their victims. I have been called manipulative, dishonest and uneducated. While I know that these are not my truths, I have worried that the court will be manipulated into believing these horrible accusations from my ex-husband.

Narcissistic personality disorder

While Narcissistic personality disorder can manifest differently with each individual, the Mayo Clinic defines Narcissistic personality disorder as the following: Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Dr. Carole Lieberman, world renowned psychiatrist, explained why individuals with a diagnosis of Narcissistic personality disorder are able to lie in such a convincing fashion. Dr. Lieberman explained, "Since narcissists believe that the world revolves around them, or that it should, they think they can reinvent reality and no one should question them. Even though they know that what they're writing or saying is really stretching the truth, they think that they are so clever about it that they will fool the recipient into going along with them."�

Dealing with a narcissist isn't for the weak. While charming and charismatic in the beginning, crossing a narcissist brings forth a furry that few people are equipped to deal with. This interaction will leave the sanest person questioning their own reality. When dealing with a narcissist, it is very important to build your foundation from rock - the rock that comes from knowing what is the truth and what are lies about you. Prepare a truth and lies list and absorb both lists to your core - mind, body, and spirit. If through this process, you find some truths that hurt, then put them on your list of things to work on and re-write the truth into a positive.

Write down your truths

My ex constantly reminds me that I do not have a college degree. He has reminded me of this by text message, email and in person. This was his way to put me down throughout our marriage in passive aggressive ways and then during our divorce through verbal or written attacks. The truth is: I do not have a college degree.

Rewrite negative truths into positive ones

My life experiences as a business owner began at the age of 18 have taught me more than I could have learned with a four-year education. I have learned to value the education and knowledge that I have received from outside the confines of a classroom. I have gained so much through life experiences, reading, seminars, mistakes, observations and the wisdom shared by others, which is priceless. I wouldn't trade all of that for a piece of paper on the wall. The world is full of educated idiots and I am not one of them.

Find positive quotes or mantras to remind yourself of your truths

"The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change."�- Carl R. Rogers

"We are students of words: we are shut up in schools, and colleges, and recitation rooms, for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last with a bag of wind, a memory of words, and do not know a thing."�- Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the beginning of this process I felt the need to defend myself against each accusation that entered my inbox. Now, because I have educated myself on this disorder, I have a different approach. I skim the email for the relevant information and bypass the attacks. How am I able to do this? My foundation is built on my truths.

Knowing yourself and your truths are imperative during the divorce process with someone who suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder.

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