Do you remember how much time you spent with your spouse when you were first dating?

I'm guessing you spent every possible moment together. Nothing was more important than spending time with your new love.

Many students see their grades begin to slide when they fall in love. Similarly, work performance often suffers during this time.

Why is that?

Falling in Love While on a Chemical High

As couples begin to fall in love they experience a "chemical high." According to Dr. Pat Mumby, "Falling in love causes our body to release a flood of feel-good chemicals that trigger specific physical reactions."

You remember those days, right? Sweaty palms, a racing heart, and when you were apart (which wasn't often) your thoughts were still centered on your guy (or your girl).

These chemicals (dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin, norepinephrine) are actually quite useful in helping us fall in love as well as helping us want to progress to courtship and marriage.

But, what happens when the chemical levels drop?

Something better?

This "high" doesn't last. After a few months, our body's chemical levels return to a more normal level.

This is actually a really good thing. Otherwise most of us would have flunked out of school or been fired from our jobs. The "love high" can be fun, but it is difficult to live a productive life in that chemically altered state.

But does our love fade when this "high" is gone?

Well, it depends.

There are plenty of neglected marriages that leave both people riddled with hurt, disappointment, bitterness and anger.

By contrast, when couples choose to continue to prioritize their marriage (long after the initial "high"), this relationship can grow into something deeper and sweeter than anything experienced during the "chemically aided" beginning of their romance.

The Intentional Marriage

Before you were married, you probably made sure you spent all the time you could with your significant other. Sure, the "chemical high" helped, but by choosing to prioritize your relationship, you grew closer and had an ever-increasing amount of love for each other.

However, according to William J. Doherty, PhD, "When we get married and especially after we have children, this reverses. Other things - the children, our work, our hobbies, even our religious involvement - become central and the marriage recedes to the background and only receives our attention when something is wrong."

I have seen countless couples (even marriages between two wonderful people) who allow their relationship to fall into the background.

Hopefully this doesn't describe your marriage. If it does, you can decide to recommit yourself to your marriage today.

How you can recommit today

If your marriage has fallen into the background, will you decide today to recommit to your sweetheart? Will you decide to prioritize him (or her) above all others?

Commit to prioritize your sweetheart above your career. Commit to prioritize your sweetheart above your hobbies. And, yes, even commit to prioritize your sweetheart above your children!

When describing this type of marriage, Dr. Doherty noted that the happiest of couples have an absolute commitment towards each other and their marriage. He noted that happily married couples make these type of vows to each other:

• "Nothing will break us up."

• "We will fight through whatever obstacles get in our way."

• "We will renovate our marriage if the current version gets stale."

• "If we fight too much or too poorly we will learn to fight better."

• "If sex is no longer good we will find a way to make it good again."

• "We will accept each other's weaknesses that can't be fixed."

• "We will take care of each other in our old age."

He concludes by saying the happiest couples don't make these commitments just one time. They renew them over and over throughout their lives.

This article was originally published on Family Good Things. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Do this one thing to rekindle the spark in your marriage today appeared first on FamilyToday.

To say that marriages need love is about as obvious as saying peanut butter needs chocolate.

We read about love, watch movies about love, listen to songs about love and even celebrate a holiday about love.

But, do we really know how to love?

"I love me" comes before "I love you"

(sort of)

When we think of selfishness in marriages, we generally think of individuals pursuing their own interests without considering how their actions might impact their spouses. This type of selfishness can certainly harm a marriage.

However, there is another type of selfishness that arises too often in marriages. This sneaky form of selfishness arises from our own self-loathing. If you don't believe me, ask yourself the following questions:

On your down days, what percentage of time do you think about your partner's needs?

How likely are you to selflessly serve your spouse when you feel blue?

When you aren't feeling good about yourself, do you easily demonstrate love to your spouse through words and actions?

We all experience some sadness of course. However, if you allow yourself to celebrate your own "pity party," you will be unable to give your best to your marriage relationship.

I do need to give a quick disclaimer: a lot of selfish behavior can arise in marriages under the guise of "loving oneself." Please note I am not suggesting to love ourselves is to spend more money on ourselves, spend more time seeking selfish pursuits or to become narcissistic in our thinking. Likewise, I am not suggesting we become disinterested in our own self-improvement.

What I am suggesting is that we need to think more kindly of ourselves and become a bit more patient with ourselves as we strive to make necessary improvements.

I once had a wise student ask, "If a friend talked to us the way we talk to ourselves, would we be friends with that person?" That's a rather thought provoking question, isn't it?

Social media can either help or hinder your ability to love yourself

Similarly, I am pleading with you to stop comparing yourself to others. This is a destructive habit and one that leads to self-loathing.

Have you ever spent time on Facebook and thought, "Wow, everybody has either just lost 20 pounds, gone on a epic vacation, celebrated an anniversary to their amazing spouse, posted pictures of their perfect family or received an incredible promotion at work"?

Is it possible that our social media consumption impacts how we feel about ourselves?

This may be the case according to research by the University of Gothenburg in Sweden. Researchers found as Facebook usage increased, self-esteem decreased, especially for women.

Another study noted that those with low Facebook usage reported higher levels of self-esteem than both heavy Facebook users and non-users, which suggests a potential benefit to moderate social media use.

As you can see, you need to be careful how you spend your time on social media. It affects not only how you love yourself but also how you love your spouse.

Marriages need consistent attention, friendship, spontaneity, creativity and passion if they are to thrive. And since we all have a finite amount of time and energy, we will not be capable of spending the time or energy required to form and maintain such a marriage if we choose to focus inwardly.

We are simply incapable of fulling loving others when we loathe ourselves. Thus, loving ourselves is the first step to truly loving our spouses.

This article was originally published on FamilyGoodThings.com. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 1 sneaky type of selfishness that can sabotage your marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

I am guessing that most of you women are already done holiday shopping - some of you have been done since August. On the other hand, I suspect that most of you men are not done holiday shopping - some of you will not start until Christmas Eve.

Regardless of your gender, or the amount of Christmas shopping you've already accomplished, let me suggest a gift that you can give that will be more important than any other gift you might think of giving during this holiday season.

The answer? Increased love for your spouse!

Allow me to explain"¦

Defining Love

Love can be defined in a variety of ways. Dictionary.com, for instance, defines love as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." Meriam-Webster offers another definition: "affection based on admiration, benevolence or common interests."

While I like these definitions, let me share two of my favorite descriptions of love. They are as profound as they are simple:

1. Love is a decision

2. Love is a verb

Love is a decision

This last semester I taught a Preparing for Marriage class at BYU-Idaho. We discussed in great detail the importance of "choosing well" when it comes to spouse selection. I teach my students to carefully choose a wonderful spouse, then, once married, I stress the need to devote their best effort to loving their choice.

Of course, this often comes easily during engagement or during the "honeymoon period" of a marriage. However, it is just as important to continue loving our choice as time goes on. Dr. Barbara De Angelis wisely stated, "Love is a choice you make from moment to moment."

Yes, this means we choose to love our spouse when they are grumpy"¦ or when they lose their hair"¦or they put on a few pounds"¦or they are challenged with depression"¦or even if they struggle with the same weaknesses for an extended period of time.

You get the idea!

Love really is a decision! But, it isn't simply a one-time decision made prior to marriage. We decide each day if we will truly love our spouse!

Love is a verb

I have always liked the notion that love should be an action - a verb. For instance, I can tell my wife that I love her (and I do frequently). However, with 5 energetic children, she often feels even more love when I do the dishes or fold the laundry.

For your spouse, "showing love" may mean watching a sappy movie or enjoying a ballgame together. It might mean going out dancing or buying a thoughtful gift. It might mean taking more time to kiss or spending more time nourishing your sexual relationship. It could also include helping out more with the children or with household chores.

While it is critical to frequently say "I love you," it may be even more important to consistently show "I love you."

This holiday season, I challenge you to choose today, tomorrow, and each day to love your spouse! No store contains a gift as precious and valuable as this gift!

This article was originally published on Family Good Things. It has been republished herewith permission.

The post Give your spouse the best Christmas gift ever appeared first on FamilyToday.

Take a moment and consider how each of the following items could improve your marriage:

• Living a longer life

• Having less stress

• Sleeping more soundly

• Receiving instant mood boosts

• Having more confidence

• Being sick less often

• Having more energy

• Maintaining a healthy body weight

• Reducing the risk of life-threatening diseases

• Being more productive

• Finding a healthy outlet for your anger

• Looking younger

• Feeling younger

• Having an improved self-image

• Increasing your likelihood of happiness

When I teach this particular lesson to my college students, I ask them to rank each item from 1 to 5 (with 1 being "not helpful for marriage" and 5 being "extremely helpful for marriage"). As you can imagine, most students rank each of these items quite high.

In fact, last week one young lady raised her hand and said, "I feel kind of selfish, but all of these things would benefit my marriage and I want them all."

The good news is that these benefitsare available to each of us - provided we take the time to consistently exercise.

Not convinced yet?

Recently a colleague of mine, and a PhD in psychology, noted that if the benefits of exercise could somehow be sold as a pill it would be the most prescribed drug on earth. What a fascinating perspective.

If you're still not ready to lace up your cross-trainers, consider the research behind just three of the above listed benefits:

Those who exercise live longer

Ask yourself a few questions. First, would living longer be a blessing to your spouse? Would living longer be a blessing for your children? I suspect for most of you the answer is a resounding "yes." Not only do we cherish our relationship with our loved ones, but we want to enjoy those relationships for many more years.

However, the no. 1 cause of death in the United States is cardiovascular disease - a condition that is often preventable. Fortunately, according to scientific research, those who consistently exercise significantly reduce their risk of this disease and, subsequently, increase the likelihood of additional years with their loved ones.

Those who exercise manage their stress better

Does stress impact your relationship with your spouse? Are you more prone to be short-tempered, unkind, or a poor listener when you feel stressed?

Recent research suggests that those who exercise are more apt to effectively manage their stress than those who do not exercise.

Those who exercise sleep more soundly

Life can be exhausting at times. Whether our fatigue stems from having young children in the home, putting in long hours in the office or having other time consuming pursuits, life can be tiring.

Though there is something to be said for prioritizing sufficient rest, research once again offers us some hope. Those who exercise fall asleep more quickly, sleep more soundly and awake more rejuvenated than those who do not.

Exercise because you love your spouse

Regardless if you already love exercising or if you hate it with a passion, you do value your marriage. So, the next time you get tempted to cross off exercising from your busy to-do list, remember the many ways that this one activity can benefit your marriage.

This article was originally published on familygoodthings.com. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 15 surprising benefits exercise has on your marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

This article was originally published on familygoodthings.com. It has been republished here with permission.

Did you know there is research suggesting that it is not necessarily the stressor itself (unemployment or illness) but, rather, how we respond to the disappointment that has the largest influence on our marital satisfaction? For instance, there is research documenting how certain couples coping with the husbands' cancer were still able to see their marital happiness improve even amidst the trial.

Other research demonstrated how some couples were able to avoid drops in marital satisfaction even while experiencing the heart wrenching trial of the death of their child.

Why were some couples in these studies able to thrive notwithstanding difficult challenges while other couples struggled under such trials? The answer, at least in part, is "resilience."

Let's consider the need for resilience within the context of the marriage relationship. Have you ever disappointed yourself or your spouse by your behavior? Has your spouse ever disappointed you? Have you experienced unexpected financial challenges? Have there been health issues in your family? In short, have you had, or are you currently experiencing, unmet goals or frustrated expectations? I believe the answer to at least some of these questions has to be "yes" for all of us.

How do we react to disappointment?

How do you respond to the adversity of failing or to the adversity of succeeding at a slower pace than you desire? Do you easily give up? Do you beat yourself up with negative self-talk ("What made me think I could accomplish this goal?", I am not as talented as others?", "I knew I wasn't strong enough?"). Or, to prevent future disappointment have you quit setting goals? While, I suspect, we have all been disappointed as we fall short of our goals, please recognize that these responses to adversity (negative self-talk and apathy) are toxic and can even reduce our marital satisfaction.

Thomas Edison - King of Failure?

I have always been touched by how Thomas Edison reacted to failure. Do you realize that he had approximately 10,000 failed attempts before successfully inventing the incandescent light bulb? That is incredible to me. At some point (probably multiple points) he had to be tempted to throw in the towel. But, he didn't. In fact, Edison is credited with saying, "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." Wow! So, how can someone like Edison continue amongst so much failure? What trait or characteristic did he possess? I would suggest that the answer is resilience (in Edison's case, "extraordinary resilience").

My Challenge to You

I encourage you to strive intentionally for increased resiliency both individually and as a couple. The good news is that resiliency is closely related to agency. In other words, we choose how we will respond to adverse situations (including tough times during marriage). Remember, strong marriages are formed, in part, by their ability to weather the storms of life. Trials and challenges will come to every marriage. But, how we respond to the "bad weather" will greatly influence our ability to achieve marital bliss.

The post Want a stronger marriage? Try bouncing back instead of breaking appeared first on FamilyToday.

Some of you may remember the song "I can love you like that" - made popular in the 90s by John Michael Montgomery and All-4-One. The song is catchy and the message is sweet, but this song also contains a prevalent and dangerous message often found in our popular culture - a message that has harmed countless relationships.

The song begins, "They read you Cinderella.You hoped it would come true, that one day your Prince Charming would come rescue you." You might be thinking this line seems rather harmless, even romantic. But reread that last line again...

"...one day your Prince Charming would come rescue you."

Now, ask yourself, what dangers await the woman (or man) who views marriage as some kind of great escape?

Deadly expectation #1: Everything will be better once I am married

A story is told of a young woman sighing blissfully on her wedding day, "Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles." I can almost hear many of you chuckling now as you think, "Oh, you silly girl." Those of you already wedded know that married life is challenging for each of us.

The danger

Why is this first myth so dangerous? Can you imagine how incredibly difficult life must be for the spouse of someone who has such unrealistic marital expectations? If someone expects a life of ease, constant bliss and an absence of trials, how could anyone ever hope to make him or her happy? Unrealistic expectations poison marriages before they even begin.

Sadly, too many marriages have ended unnecessarily because one or both spouses had unrealistic fantasies of what marriage should be like (while not being willing to work for relationships that, while imperfect, were wonderful in their own right).

Teaching marriage classes at the university level is both enjoyable as well as challenging. Each semester, I meet students who long to be rescued. However, just as dangerous (and possibly even more prevalent) is the expectation of marital failure...

Deadly expectation #2: Marriage is bound to fail

A study of high school students found that some of the respondents gave themselves a 100 percent chance of divorce if they married in the future. Yikes! How can some people have such a negative view of marriage?

For me, this question has been partially answered through years of teaching university students. Some students confide in me that they are absolutely terrified to marry because they have never seen a happy marriage and have witnessed so many divorces.

With divorce rates having hovered near 50 percent for the last 30 years, it is understandable that some would assume their marriages are doomed.

The danger

You may have heard of the term 'self-fulfilling prophecy' - a prediction that causes itself to come true. In other words, when we expect certain outcomes (often negative), we behave in ways that virtually guarantee those outcomes.

So, if a high school student, a university student, or any of you expect that marriages are doomed to fail, those marriages may indeed be at great risk - ironically, due to those very expectations.

What is the solution?

You have to believe that wonderful marriages exist. There are so many of them!

Find those marriages, and look at what makes them strong. Then, form some realistically high expectations for your own marriage. Expect your marriage to be wonderful - then nourish it, prioritize it, and treat it in such a way that it will become wonderful.

Remember to expect challenges and trials rather than becoming disenchanted with marriage when life gets hard. Strive to find joy in facing life's challenges hand-in-hand with your best friend - your spouse.

This article was originally published on familygoodthings.com. It has been republished here, with permission.

The post 2 deadly assumptions that kill countless marriages appeared first on FamilyToday.

The fact

When you were first married, you kissed your spouse more often (and for much longer) than you do now.

The verdict

You need to read this brief article, and then be willing to carry out your sentence for these crimes...

Warning

If you have not yet been married for at least one year, this article will be confusing and hard to follow. Please wait to read this until you are no longer a newlywed.

Your life

You are busy. You have many responsibilities at home and in your community. You have children, a job ... You are often tired. And, when you and your spouse are reunited, you quickly peck on the lips as you speed through your hectic schedules.

The problem

Your marriage needs physical affection. It is true that physical intimacy is just one of many aspects of a happy marriage. Yet in all my years studying, teaching, and observing marriage, I've consistently found that, for those who truly want to experience marital bliss, physical intimacy is not optional.

The solution

Dr. John Gottman, PhD and renowned marriage researcher, has studied marriage for decades. Dr. Gottman frequently emphasizes the importance of connecting with one's spouse during times of departure (leaving for work, falling asleep, etc) and times of reunion (returning from work, waking up in the morning ... you get the idea). How does he recommend connecting with your spouse?

A six-second kiss.

Kissing releases oxytocin (the same hormone that is, in part, responsible for the connection and comfort that breastfeeding mothers share with their babies). This hormone also helps husbands and wives bond more as they ... drum roll please ... kiss more!

But why six seconds? According to Gottman, this kiss is "long enough to feel romantic," but it doesn't make the kids late for school.

So, kiss as you separate, and kiss when you are reunited. That's two kisses, folks. Six seconds apiece. Twelve seconds total (though more kissing is certainly welcome). It will do wonders for your marriage!

Gross your kids out. Secretly, they like it

My wife and I have been practicing the six-second kiss for a while now (I told her it was research for a future article). Though we certainly enjoy the occasional kiss without our children near, with five energetic kids often hovering near their mother, my "goodbye" and "I'm home" kisses often have an audience. For years, this show of affection has been met with loud resistance from our oldest son (now 11). And, of course, being the sympathetic parents we are, we've begun to either call his attention before we kiss or prolong our kisses when he complains.

On a more serious note, children really do crave the security of knowing that mom and dad love each other - and knowing that mom and dad enjoy kissing is one way to provide such assurance. So, you have permission to gross your kids out. It's good for you. And it's good for them.

Your sentence

Alright, now it is time for the most enjoyable sentencing you'll ever be given. Your assignment is to kiss your spouse for at least six seconds, two different times during each day. Try this for at least one week.

When you see the magic that happens in your own marriage, you'll want to pass the word along to your married friends - chances are, they need to be kissing more too.

This article was originally published on familygoodthings.com. It has been republished here, with permission.

The post The key to better intimacy takes just 12 seconds a day appeared first on FamilyToday.