Why should we care? Consider that there were 74.2 million children in the United States in 2010. A 1 percent change potentially accounts for 742,000 children being born into homes with a single mother or father. The general trend is that more children by percentage are entering single-parent homes, approximately 30 percent in 2011.

Whether single parenting is a choice or circumstance, single parent homes can pose a significant risk factor for children. While many of us may come from or may know successful, happy, well-adjusted people who come from a single-parent home, single-parent homes are correlated with a number of challenges that make life harder.

Some of the negative impacts of growing up in a single parent home include the following:

Economic loss

Perhaps one of the most significant factors is the loss of income that a two-parent home provides.

Loss of parental support and supervision can lead to:

Increased behavioral problems

Children from single parent homes often spend more time alone and have less supervision. In the case of divorced or separated parents, they also must deal with two different housholds and often two different sets of rules and parenting styles. They can lose consistency in parenting.

Lower academic achievement

When the job of two parents becomes the responsibility of just one, it is difficult to keep up with all the added responsibilities. It may be hard to maintain a level of interest and involvement in school work.

Protecting children from unnecessary risk

While the effect of growing up in a single parent home increases the risk of negative effects on children, it is not a forgone conclusion. Not all parents will marry. Single parents can have a positive impact on their children. Single parents can raise successful, competent children by protecting and loving them.

Increase income

One way to improve the chances for a child's success in a single parent household is to have a stable, steady income. If a family's temporal needs are met, they'll be able to focus on their emotional needs.

If you're a single parent, try some of these tips to see if you can increase your earning power:

• Brush up your interview and resume writing skills, then try meeting with an employment specialist in your community. They may be able to teach you these skills or help you connect with employers.

• Increasing your level of education might give your children the stability and income that will make a difference in their life. Don't rule it out; school might be the perfect way to show your children a great example of dedication and love.

• Check all options. Look into grants and loans to help finance your education. Try to choose an occupation that will provide you the most money and the most time with your children.

Encourage positive behavior

Behavior may be more difficult to address, especially if the child is older. There are a vast number of behavioral deficits that can affect children of single parent households. Here are some ideas to keep behavior in check:

• Remain consistent in your expectations.

• Be aware of your children's activities.

• Get to know their friends.

• Know where and how they spend their time when you are not there.

• Check in often. Make sure they know that eventhough you are busy, you have time for them and that you love them.

• Don't hesitate to ask for help, speak with a professional physician, therapist or psychologist about the best course of action for addressing any behavioral challenges.

Stay involved

• Make an appointment. You could try setting aside 30 minutes a day to talk to your child about homework or what they did in school that day.

• When possible, vollunteer at your child's school.

• Make every effort to attend their activities.

• Make the most of the time you have together. Practice spelling words in the car. Use mealtime to talk. Read stories during bathtime.

• Ask for help. If you feel like things are getting away from you, don't be afraid to enlist the help of a grandparent or trusted friend.

In the ideal world, every child would grow up in a two parent household. But that's not reality.

It's easy for society to focus on the negative impact single-parent housholds have on children. But you are not a statistic. It is important to focus on what you have to offer. You know your children better than anyone else. You love them. You want the best for them. You can work tirelessly to give them what they need.

Do you want them to go to college?

Do you want to nurture a particular talent?

Do you want them to know how much you love them?

Decide what your child-rearing priorities are and focus the time and energy you have on those things.

Being a single parent comes with great challenges, but it is possible to raise healthy, happy, successful children in a single-parent household. You can do this.

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According to the National Survey of Family Growth, men and women who attain more education have a greater probability of their marriage lasting 20 years or longer. Among women who have less than a high school diploma, only 40 percent of marriages last 20 years or longer. Among women with at least a bachelor's degree, however, 78 percent of marriages last 20 years or longer. The pattern is similar for men.

Why does education play a role in divorce rates?

Parents who attain more education are more likely to stay together and for a longer period of time. Added education means an increased and more stable income. If couples are willing to invest in an education now, they may find more stability and happiness within the relationship in years to come. Education is a family investment because it keeps families together.

It is no secret that low-income families face a host of challenges. By looking for ways to increase your education you can increase the stability of your family. What if you already have a job? Increasing your education can increase your job security. Attaining more education may offer additional job opportunities and secure the position you have. What if you have kids at home? There are a number of avenues that someone can take to get an education while facing immense challenges. Most universities offer a variety of online courses. Some educational institutions may be almost entirely online. This allows students to pursue education more freely from home and at varied time schedules.

According to the US Census Bureau, the average earnings for a full-time employee with a high school diploma over a lifetime total $1.2 million. By obtaining a bachelor's degree the average lifetime earnings nearly double, to $2.1 million.

One of the biggest challenges that families will face is whether to pursue education. Some families will rationalize that education isn't necessary and that it doesn't pay off. Have the foresight to see the bigger picture. Jobs aren't stable, people get sick, family members pass away, and economies shift. Sacrificing anything to obtain an education is a family investment. Your family will be able to endure greater pressures because your job is stable and your skills are flexible.

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Sacrifice is the essence of love; it is the substance of it. The antonym to sacrifice is selfishness. John Gottman, a researcher of couple relationships identified four predictors of divorce that he noted in couples experiencing conflict. Gottman later named these predictors the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse. I like to think of them as the four indicators of selfishness: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

Criticism is the first of the horsemen. Gottman explains in his book, "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child," that criticism is not just complaining; it is attacking the value and personality of another person. A critic is not concerned with what the facts are or what happened, only how dumb, inconsiderate, or mean their partner acts.

Contempt involves building a mental case against one's partner. They think about ways to get even before anything has been said.

Defensiveness is the human response of when to fire back insults in retaliation. Couples, at this point, are looking to be justified rather than discuss the core issue.

Lastly, Stonewalling is a significant step toward divorce if left unchecked. Stonewalling involves withdrawing emotionally and sometimes physically from the relationship. When a partner is speaking they may tune out their partner and refuse to speak to each other.

The Four Horsemen are the perfect plan of marital misery. If we are willing to go down this road and indulge in selfish behavior, we are sure to find a glorious pot of selfishness.

What can we do to avoid such destructive behavior? There are many options, but the one-word answer is sacrifice. When negative thoughts about our partner enter our mind, we can say "I will avoid asking about the messy kitchen because I love my spouse and I don't want them to feel bad."

If you frequently become critical about trivial subjects, consider apologizing and thanking your spouse for the ways they make life better. If you are struggling to meet such minimum requirements, it is time to counsel with a trusted professional. Meet with a bishop, therapist, or a psychologist to develop a plan and a committed effort to have a happy marriage. The great thing about change, especially changing yourself, is that the relationship can change. If the tension in a relationship is the result of selfishness, which often both partners contribute, it is not an incurable disease, as some would explain.

Sacrifice comes in an infinite variety of behaviors, but if we can think of each act of sacrifice as love and a nice addition to the foundation of our lives called love, then it will be a worthy investment. Take responsibility for your actions in marriage, because our actions build the foundation of our relationships.

Source:

Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. (1st ed.). New York, NY: Fireside.

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Let's consider for a moment, "when do babies start learning to communicate?"� Galinsky explains that babies begin to hear and remember sounds while still in the fetus. In tests performed, she saw that babies preferred the voice of their mothers compared to other persons. Young babies begin to mimic the sounds of their caregiver before they are able to speak. Babies respond favorably to tones of voice, as well. When a parent gets upset this emotional moment may cause the baby to cry. Galinsky points out that this is a key to helping young children to develop good communication because it helps children to regulate their emotions. If children begin to see their parent's communication as volatile and erratic, it may affect their emotional development as well as communication. Here are some suggestions formed from "Mind in the Making," that can help you teach your child to communicate effectively.

Tone of voice

Tone of voice communicates more than the words we say. They suggest whether we are happy, angry or sad. By using a tone of voice that is positive and happy, children pick up on your emotions and also learn to communicate with positive emotions. "How" you say it means more than "what" you say.

Parent gesture

Children begin to speak with their hands before their mouths. Through a study reviewed by Galinsky, she found that children who used hand gestures had a larger vocabulary when they were older. Parents can help children to communicate non-verbally by pointing, snapping, or other non-verbal gestures to explain things. This can create fun opportunities for parents and children to communicate. More importantly, children will learn to associate non-verbal behavior with emotions and implicit messages.

Dinnertime talk

(tell stories, avoid soliloquies, ask questions) - Dinnertime is a great atmosphere for children to develop communication skills. However, some dinner tables have little in-depth communication occurring. Parents can encourage good communication at dinnertime by asking questions about a child's favorite topic or tell stories. Give children the opportunities to take turns speaking.

Reading

Reading is the foundation for learning to be a great communicator. Parents can and should use various forms of communication while reading. Parents can point to pictures, ask questions about the stories and emotions of the characters. Parents can help children see other people's perspectives through the characters of the book. Children will learn to anticipate what is going to happen and can imagine different stories more readily by having read stories. This is a great time for parents and children to bond and talk about life questions. Remember, it is not the quantity of books that is important, but the quality of the time spent together. If you are able to have a conversation about a character in the story or about a question your child has the time is well spent.

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Fathers AND mothers both play an invaluable role in the development of children, but that is the problem: fathers are significantly less involved than mothers. Fathers play an integral part in the life development of children and this has been well documented by family scientists. A review of research studies conducted around the country has revealed important benefits children receive from fathers being involved (this is not a complete list, but some important findings):

• Protection against substance use

• Decreased behavioral problems in adolescence

• Better social/relational functioning

• Less aggressive behavior

• Higher intelligence scores

• Less emotional distress in young adulthood

Unfortunately, not all fathers can be involved with their children. Some fathers may be incarcerated or separated from the family through death, but there are fathers that can protect their children by getting involved.

Perhaps even worse (although a different discussion) are those fathers who are physically present but emotionally unavailable. Fathers who may have lost their children's trust by being uninvolved or critical can begin to repair their relationships through small steps.

1. First, if you have adolescent children it may be necessary to regain trust through thoughtful acts or an apology. Otherwise, begin to establish a time when you can do a meaningful activity together. This could be reading, singing, playing in the sandbox. Fathers who play with their young children are teaching important social cues. You can't connect with your child if you don't make time to be together.

2. Second, use empathy. When adolescents come with personal challenges, acknowledge their feelings without trying to solve the problem. Listening and relating the story back in different words to let them know they have been heard are all part of being empathetic. With young children it is much the same process they need to be heard (contrary to popular belief). If children feel understood they will be more likely to listen in-turn. Refer to John Gottman's book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child to understand more about showing empathy.

3. A third practice that fathers can implement to be more involved is to provide for the physical necessities of children through work and home care. Fathers who are actively engaged in providing for the needs of their children will have more stable homes. Fathers who provide are more likely to spend more time with their children. These three things are not revolutionary ideas, but they can change lives, especially the lives of your children. Most importantly, be emotionally available, be emotionally and physically present. Children need your social resources as much or arguably more than monetary assistance.

Sources:

• Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. (1st ed.). New York, NY: Fireside.

• [http://www.childstats.gov/pdf/ac2011/ac11.pdf](http://www.childstats.gov/pdf/ac2011/ac11.pdf)

• em,http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18052995

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This article is part one of a seven-article series about essential life skills for children. These articles are based on the book, "Mind in the Making" by Ellen Galinsky. As a renowned, family researcher, Galinksy has identified seven essential skills that children need to learn in a fast-paced world.

Essential skill number one is Focus and Self-Control. In a study performed by Galinsky, she found that 35 percent of fifth through 12th graders felt stressed often or very often. These same kids (39 percent) felt their parents were frequently stressed. Researchers find that stress makes it more difficult to focus and maintain self-control. Children who manage stress better focus better. Why are children and parents stressed? There are a number of personal and varying reasons, but a common report is that there is just so much going on. The whole of technology, work, school, and family each compete for our attention. While some might question how children can be stressed, remember that children are experiencing the world for the first time and there are a lot of distractions in a modern world. Galinsky points out that, in this world of so much distraction, it is important for parents to help their children develop focus and self-control. Gallinsky points out that a child's ability to pay attention is likely the best predictor of their future intellectual functioning.

Focus and self-control are especially important at a young age when children are building the foundation of their education. If children cannot focus on math and reading, or other important subjects, children will fall behind (focus can also be thought of as attention). Children's adult learning will also be impacted if they don't learn to focus and manage their own behavior. This skill is even utilized by babies. Babies are using focus and self-control when they point, maintain eye contact, and grasp objects.

Let's consider how we might help children gain this essential skill of focus and self-control.

Remove distractions

- Media is one of the biggest distractions of the modern age. Limit time spent with media. Don't allow televisions and gaming systems in a child's room. Make their room a place for productive activities. This does not mean they can't do fun things in their room, just limit media distractions. Other distractions occur as well; other siblings may make it difficult for children to do an assignment or household chore. Give a task where they must work together or choose activities that separate them.

Help children solve their own problems

- When a child needs to accomplish something or has a question, give them the opportunity to discuss possible solutions. Solving your own problems requires thoughtful actions. Ask questions that will help them consider solutions and the outcomes.

Set time for homework -

Homework is an excellent way to help children pay attention and focus. It requires sitting still for an extended time, concentration on a problem, and communication for more difficult problems. A good time frame for homework is two hours after school. This allows children time to play and wind down. Scheduling time immediately after school makes it difficult because they have already spent hours sitting at school.

Play games that require attention -

Games can teach valuable skills to growing children. A productive game requires attention and self-control. Galinsky suggests games that are similar to "Red Light-Green Light" or "Musical Chairs." There are many other possibilities. The game can also a beneficial teacher if it requires strong communication such as, "Charades."

Read together -

Neglecting reading time is a major concern. It has been said that in the first grade you "learn to read" then children "read to learn." Although reading is a foundation for education it also helps children pay attention and practice self-control which are essential learning skills.

Source: Galinsky, E. (2010). Mind in the making. (1st ed., pp. 1-50). New York, NY: HarperCollins.

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In the information age and an age with increasing economic pressures many women are choosing to work. Some women have to work and many want to work. This newer generation of dual-income homes and working mothers adds new and complex aspects to family life. No matter what the reason is for working, it is perhaps in all of us to consider what is best for the family, especially when children are involved.

Work is a blessing and a curse when it comes to family life (hopefully, mostly a blessing); something that family scientists call "spillover effect". Spillover effect can happen both positively and negatively and both directions to family and work, and even a better social environment for children to be raised in. In the opposite direction, children and spouses can motivate us to work harder and enjoy what we do. The negative aspects, of course, are less heartwarming and, indeed, we should consider them more thoughtfully because we don't want to be miserable at work and at home. When our marriage is going through a rough patch or our kids are making poor decisions this may "spillover"� into our work performance and personal behavior. The results can be grievous; we may find ourselves hating work or receiving poor performance reviews because of our bad attitude or behavior at work. Again, in the other direction, When deadlines at work pressure us like coal to diamond, I'm not sure we always come out diamond. Sometimes we just come out like a lump of, well"�coal. The overall effect ends up being that our family experiences our work frustrations and our resentment of our job or lot in life. The worst scenario, the marriage feels isolated and kids wonder why mom or dad look like crazed wild beasts all the time.

Whether you are already in a career or are considering your options, consider how your affecting your job and how is it affecting you. Is there positive or negative spillover? In what direction is it flowing, toward my family or job? Jobs are stressful because there are a lot of hours of it, work priorities come home, and after a stressful day of work it can be tempting to vege or do meaningless activities that only add to the feeling of a humdrum life.

To counteract spillover from work, try working on these three areas. If you are working overtime, look for a probable solution to work less hours and spend more time with family. If this is not possible, determine how you can connect with family even when you are away. Many parents resent it, but parents who text will feel a closer connection and know more about what is going on in their children's life (a phone call works too).

Leave work at work. When at home, spend meaningful time with a spouse and or children to connect. Meaningful activities in will alleviate stress, develop emotional bonds within the family, and help with the third and last concern: Do not do meaningless activities, plan. It may be fun to spend a hours watching YouTube, but it won't create lasting memories or emotional bonds between your spouse or children. I never left a Youtube session saying, "Wow, the value of my life just caught fire"�. Most of all, be grateful. Your family is experiencing many of the stresses that you feel, even if it is only indirectly.

Source:

Brooks, J. (2011). The process of parenting. (8th ed.). Singapore: McGraw Hill.

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A National Health Statistics reported an interesting statistic for married partners. The median time a relationship lasted between separation and divorce is nine months for white women, fifteen months for Hispanic women, and approximately nineteen months for black women. For men, the time was comparatively shorter (white- 7months, Hispanic - 11months, black men - no data). Researchers have found that seventy-five percent of couples who separate eventually transition to divorce. The message is clear; don't separate, make changes in the home and get help from a professional relationship expert. The alternative is not only costly financially because two incomes will be required to live, but the couple and their families suffer greatly, as well.

John Gottman has offered couples some self-help suggestions for those looking to boost their five to one positive interaction numbers. Listen attentively to your partner. Listening is an essential human skill that takes practice to learn. Do not just listen to respond, but listen to understand and validate what is being said. Care for your partner. This happens in innumerable ways, but you know best what makes your loved one happy. Think of the popular adage "no one cares how much you know, unless they know how much you care."� Gottman suggests that you can care by doing the small things, For example, opening the door for her or taking him to do a fun activity. Be grateful to your partner; thank them for the things they do that make life easier and more enjoyable. Be accommodating. When you disagree about a topic, show that you still value their beliefs and them as a person (this goes along with listening).

When discussing a difficult topic it's important that you do so with affection and positive emotions. When speaking, remove blaming and criticism from the discussion. Say what you mean and avoid going off on irrelevant topics. Never ruminate on past events because they almost always create defensiveness. Although humor can lighten the seriousness of a conversation and add to the positive nature of topic, be extremely wary of sarcasm, especially sarcasm that is intended to hurt. All of these suggestions can help increase positive interactions during discussions with your partner. Refer to John Gottman's book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, for additional self-help information for relationships. Consult a professional if there is significant distress in the relationship. A professional can counsel in regard to your specific concerns.

Source:

• http://www.fincham.info/papers/divorce-fine.pdf

• http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf

• http://www.couplestherapydoc.com/images/Why%20marriages%20succeed%20or%20fail.pdf

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Although, people can consider many solutions to what would decrease the amount of violence happening between family members, perhaps near the top would be seeing the other person's point of view. Ellen Galinsky, a family scientist, identified "perspective taking" as the second essential life skill for children to learn in her book, Mind in the Making. Without being able to see from another's perspective it becomes very difficult to form healthy social relationships. Seeing from someone else's perspective helps us avoid conflict and communicate without becoming defensive. Eventually, children become adults and they will need to see differences in people's thinking without becoming biased. "Perspective taking" allows adults and children, alike, to see multiple solutions to a problem. Galinsky explains that when children enter school "perspective taking" helps children to understand their teacher's demands. If children can see another's perspective they will communicate more effectively and, hopefully, will avoid arguments.

Although there are many suggestions, let's consider how we can help children to develop the ability to see other's point of view (perspective taking).

Help children feel understood

- in one study, Galinsky asked children what they would like to tell their working parents. Children responded that they want their parents to understand them. Learn and do the activities your child enjoys. Ask them questions about their day, friends, school, etc. When parents understand their children, it forms an emotional bond that helps children see their parent's point of view. Galinsky points out that with infants you can help them develop "perspective taking" by responding to their actions and needs. Imitate the behaviors they do, this is a form of empathy.

Talk about your feelings

- Consider for a moment, do you talk about your feelings with your children? Children may not be aware of your feelings or see your perspective if they do not hear from you about them. If you've had a bad day, this may be a great time to talk to your children about your feelings as long as your feelings don't lead to taking it out on the children. Children will better recognize how events impact their feelings and the feelings of others.

Play pretend

- Playing pretend with your children is, perhaps, the ultimate game for perspective taking. Children can imagine being a mother, father, or some other person. Children who pretend think about what the actions and duties of this person.

Teach Appraisal Skills -

Appraisal skills are skills that learn someone else's intent. When there is a fight about a toy between children it could be a good time to ask the offender or defendant why they think the other person did what they did. When watching a movie you could ask why the character was acting a certain way. This is a simple way to help children see the motives and intentions of people in their life.

Source:

Galinsky, E. (2010). Mind in the making. (1st ed., pp. 1-50). New York, NY: HarperCollins.

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So what are rules and boundaries? Rules are explicit or implicit statements intended to control an aspect of behavior, usually with an attached consequence.For example, Timmy must brush his teeth every night or he can't have his favorite story time with daddy. Rules set boundaries or limits between appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior.

So how do parents effectively set limits around child behavior without oppressing and controlling excessively? Jim Fay and Foster Cline (2006), in their book Parenting with Love and Logic,

have suggested the V of Love as a guide for parents in setting limits. Understanding this concept will help young parents establish a healthy pattern for setting limits and avoiding power struggles with their children.

The V of Love

suggests that a child's availability of choices (rules or limits) should be narrower during childhood and less restrictive on into adulthood. Often parents do the opposite. They set few limits on their child's behavior while they are young and with increasing irresponsibility they tighten control into adulthood. But this goes contrary to human nature. Children will surely fight against this parenting pattern.

As children demonstrate their ability to follow rules while they are young, parents can fortify their relationship of trust by offering more choices and freedom.As we get older we become more experienced and want to explore more of our world, but if parents set more rules and boundaries, then comes a power struggle. This is true in parenting and in the human condition. Humans desire increased freedom - not servitude.

But what if my child frequently disobeys? Look for ways to remove privileges that equal the crime. If a child comes home later than you asked, try removing that privilege for a day - not the summer, or the rest of their life. In this way punishments can still happen without complete loss of freedom and loss of trust.

Rules and boundaries are beyond important for parenting: they are essential. They protect our children from being run over in the street and lying to the teacher. Society functions on rules and in order to become productive members of society children are going to need our love and limits.

Source: Parenting with Love and Logic. (2006). Fay. J. & Cline, F.

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