“Prove it.”

Sound familiar? Unfortunately, in many relationships, there’s often one partner who feels constant pressure from the other to ‘prove’ their love. The requested proof can take many forms, but the feeling imparted is always some form of, “If you love me, you would..,” or “Show me you love me by..”

Why Your Partner Keeps Wanting Proof

Neither gender has the corner on feeling pressured to demonstrate proof of love. It happens to both men and women equally.

It doesn’t really matter who’s doing it. If one partner has a constant need for affirmation of love, it isn’t healthy. So, why do some people need that reassurance so routinely? And why do some partners put up with it?

The overwhelming reason behind needing constant proof of love is a deep feeling of being unworthy of love to begin with. This goes beyond the typical insecurities that we all can experience and is far more damaging.

These feelings can originate from several places. Among them are:

• Experiences growing up
• Abusive relationships
• Abandonment by someone they loved
• Lack of satisfaction within their own lives and accomplishments

These issues can cause feelings of worthlessness that run deep and be difficult to overcome.

However, when they’ve been left unchecked and unaddressed, they can leave a person with doubt about their own worthiness of love and respect. As a result, they look for constant reassurance of their partner’s love and indeed may ‘love-test’ them frequently.

Partners experiencing this may feel irritated, exhausted by it, and frustrated, but many don’t recognize what’s happening quickly enough to put a stop to things.

Unfair Ways a Partner May Ask For Proof

Love-testing a partner, is unfair, unhealthy, and can lead to resentment within the relationship. The constant need to prove love sends the message they can’t be trusted or they’re doing something wrong. It can also make it appear that the problem lies with them and the way they express their love, rather than with the partner that’s struggling with issues of self-esteem.

Sadly, many couples experience this dynamic and never realize what’s happening. The pattern, as frustrating as it may be, becomes accepted and “normal” despite it being damaging.

So, how do you know if you’re constantly being love-tested and asked to prove your feelings? Look for some of these sneaky and unfair ways that your partner may be testing you.

• Cold-shoulder behavior when they don’t get sex. In a healthy relationship, sex happens naturally, or at least with mutual interest (even if it takes a little work). But when one partner insists on sex, doesn’t respect the reasons you’re not in the mood, and then tries to manipulate or guilt you into it by accusing you of not loving them and giving you the silent treatment, there’s a problem – a big one.
• Insisting you cut ties with opposite-sex friends. Nothing sets insecurity on fire like a partner’s close relationship with a member of the opposite sex. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with having friends of the other gender unless you’re actually riding the line of being inappropriate or exclusionary to your partner. If you’re sure that’s not the case and your partner still insists that if you really loved them, you’d drop your opposite-sex friends, it’s time to reevaluate this dynamic of your relationship.
• Pouting when they think your response isn’t enthusiastic enough. If your partner does your laundry, a sincere thank you should be enough. If you find that they’re expecting a ticker-tape parade every time they do something nice, then what they’re truly doing is asking you to acknowledge their value to you and prove your love and appreciation.
• Expectation of gifts or money spent. No one should have to prove their feelings monetarily. Not only is it superficial, but it’s also irresponsible and sets up a dangerous dynamic. True expressions of feeling don’t require $$, so be careful if your partner thinks the only way they know you love them is by the amount of money you spend.
• Telling vs. asking. “Jack, you’re going to help Alma move this weekend,” or “Jenny, I need you to arrange a party for my boss,” not only shows a lack of respect but also assumes that your love for them means you’ll do what they ask without question.  
• Comparing you to others and expecting you to emulate them. “Doug surprised Teresa with a midnight picnic. He must really love her – how come you’ve never done that?” Or “Wendy always irons Leon’s pants and sends him sexy pics during the day – that’s real love.” Neither of these is proof of love, and although they “appear” to work for the couples in question, they may not work for your relationship.

If any of these strike a chord on some level, your partner may be regularly engaging in love-testing.

How to Get Away From the ‘Prove It’ Cycle

If your partner expects you to constantly prove your love does that mean the relationship is doomed and you should break up? No, not by itself, at least.

Your partner’s lack of self-confidence and misconceptions about what healthy expressions of love really look like doesn’t mean you don’t love them or they don’t love you. Nor does it mean you won’t be able to find a way to a healthier relationship.

Your first step should be to begin to help them see what they’re doing and why it’s unfair. Your second will be to explain to them your feelings and help them understand the genuine ways you express your love for them.

Depending on the success of those conversations, you may need a third step – counseling. If your partner is struggling with issues that they can’t resolve on their own, an experienced counselor may be what’s needed in order to move forward. They may also be needed to help your partner hear and accept the truth of what you’ve said in the first steps above.

Keep in mind that these things don’t generally resolve quickly, especially if the issues that have led to a need for continual reassurance have existed for a long time. As a couple, you may have to repeat the steps several times before progress will be really felt and seen.

The post When Your Partner Wants You To Keep Proving Your Love appeared first on FamilyToday.

The problem with bad habits is that not only do they do damage, but over time they begin to feel like normal behavior. Eventually, many of us are completely unaware of the little things we’re doing that are causing the biggest problems.

I see this quite a bit in my relationship counseling practice. Let me share with you some of the worst relationship habits of which many of us are guilty.

Habits That Are Bad For Your Relationship

Bad habits come in different forms. Some are bad for the relationship overall, while others are bad for you personally and your health. Let’s first look at those habits that can sink your relationship if you’re not careful.

• Assuming instead of asking. “She’ll take care of that,” “He doesn’t care if I work late,” “She doesn’t mind if the guys come over.” All those things may be true, but assuming rather than asking, or just regular checking in with each other, is a slippery slope into completely taking your partner for granted. It’s also generally disrespectful. Over time this can cause resentment.
• Forgetting your manners. Please and thank you shouldn’t exit your vocabulary just because you’ve been together for years. As the saying goes, the ‘devil is in the details,' so the little things like minding your manners at dinner and saying “please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me” shouldn’t be forgotten.
• Ignoring hygiene or grooming. Your partner loves you just the way you are, right? Probably, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you to shave and put on clean clothes. And ladies, athleisure doesn’t mean ratty sweatpants or pajamas every day. It’s easy for us to allow lack of effort around our partner when it comes to personal grooming to become a bad habit. Don’t let the only time you brush your hair become when you’re seeing anyone other than your partner.
• Eating separately. Whether it’s a quick sandwich or a romantic dinner, eating together creates a bond and allows you to relax and connect. For some couples, it might be the only time in a day they get that chance. So, despite busy schedules, don’t let eating on the run or separately become a habit.
• Rushing out in the morning. Most days start busy for the majority of us. That doesn’t mean you should leave without taking a moment to express some affection and appreciation for your mate. “I love you, have a great day,” can start someone’s morning off on a positive note and reinforce your connection to each other.
• Constant surfing. No, not the ocean kind - doing that together might actually be good for you. I’m talking about phones, iPads, etc. Constantly cruising through texts, social media posts, or emails while you are with your partner (or anyone really) is a bad habit that can create a divide between you. Instead, you should make an effort to talk. Poor communication is a leading cause of relationship issues.

Relationship Habits That Are Bad For Your Health

Often when there are bumps in the relationship road our focus goes to what we can do for the health of the relationship itself. There are several habits, however, that not only affect the connection you have with your partner but affect your own health as well.

These can be a double whammy because doing things that are detrimental to your mental or physical well-being can prevent you from being capable of doing positive things for your relationship. This can become a vicious cycle and there’s no winner.

So, what are these bad relationship habits that can affect your health as well? Take a look.

• Too much time with each other. You’re a couple, so together time should be good, right? Yes, kind of. It is actually possible to have too much time together and that can cause problems for your mental health and happiness. To be the best partner you can be, and the best version of yourself, interacting with other people is needed. Otherwise, the only feedback and perspective you get are too limited to be healthy.
• Losing your autonomy. There are two of you in the relationship, but too often people become so attached to their partner that they lose themselves. Forgetting your own individuality, likes, and interests isn’t good for you or your relationship.
• Keeping your feelings to yourself. Are you afraid to tell your partner how you feel because you’re concerned they’ll react badly? Keeping feelings bottled up can cause anxiety, undue stress, high blood pressure, and a myriad of other problems. And it can cause your relationship to veer wildly off course. After all, your partner isn’t a mind reader and can’t respect your feelings if they don’t know you have them.
• Giving in to jealousy. Jealousy is an ugly and unproductive emotion. It’s also a fairly normal one to experience. The trick is to be open about what’s making you feel insecure and address it with your partner. Otherwise, it can lead to resentment, anger issues, and alienation from your partner.
• Comparing your relationship to others. No two people are alike, so no two relationships are alike either. Trying to compare your relationship to someone else’s is not only unfair and inappropriate, but it will also prevent you from appreciating what you have and being happy.

If any of these sound even vaguely familiar, you’re in good company. We’ve all been guilty of allowing bad habits to form and go unchecked. What’s important is to break them and make changes once you’ve become aware of what you’re doing. And there’s no need to wait for a counselor to point it out to you. Sometimes taking a step back and getting the ten-thousand-foot view of yourself can give you the perspective you need to see what needs changing.

The post Sneaky Bad Habits That May Be Hurting Your Relationship appeared first on FamilyToday.

Have you ever had a friend tell you these things and wonder if they're true? Something in their facial expression, body language, or tone of voice tickles the back of your brain and makes you think there might be more going on than they're admitting.

But who are you to second guess, right? If there were something they wanted you to know, they'd tell you – wouldn't they?

Knowing when someone needs help can be challenging. Most people don't want to ask for help or admit they're struggling, so they stay silent and try not to let on that they need more than usual.

However, it's often when people are suffering silently that they need help the most. Does this pose a problem, though? How can you help if someone tells you there's nothing wrong?

Seeing the Signs of Suffering

As we go through the busyness of our daily lives, it can be easy to accept that everyone around us is doing okay blindly. No matter what they're dealing with, most people will tell you everything's fine. Great, right? Onward you go.

Most of us, however, can usually sense when something's off. The challenge is that something being off might be as small as having missed their morning coffee or as large as feeling hopeless and depressed.

So, how do you know if they need a friend or a shot of espresso?

Admittedly, it can be tough to tell, and your sensitivity to someone's masked pain can vary greatly depending upon how well you know them. There are, however, some tell-tale clues that can help you decide whether to push a little harder or leave things alone.

If any of the signs below stand out, something is likely going on.

• Their demeanor has changed. If you regularly interact with someone, you know what's generally expected for them and what's not. If they usually greet you with a smile and now it's a half-raised cheek and downcast eyes, something's wrong. Or, if they seem moody or angry in ways that are outside what you've experienced from them in the past, you should take notice.
• Their appearance has changed – for the worse. When people make an effort to look well, it's generally a positive sign. The opposite is true when they seem to stop making an effort at all. Neglect of regular grooming is a sign there's a problem.
• They seem distracted. If the person that greets you with a smile suddenly doesn't seem to see you at all or see anyone for that matter, it would be a good idea to know if they're doing okay.
• They're withdrawn. People who suddenly seem to disengage from being social or even just talkative have something on their minds. What that something is maybe good or bad, but the change in their behavior should prompt further investigation.

If you've noticed a common theme to the signs above, you do not imagine it. If you didn't, then, I'd be clear – it's change.

When people change for positive or growth purposes, it's great. But negative changes like those above can be signs of suffering.

How to Start the Helping Process

Depending on how close you are with the person you're concerned about, offering help or support can feel awkward. But know that, depending upon how you approach things, it will likely seem like kindness from their perspective. So, consider the following tips if you feel someone could use your support.

• Approach things gently. If someone is dealing with something heavy, then pouncing on them with a barrage of demanding questions, accusatory observations, or a know-it-all attitude won't help. Even if it's not serious, that approach won't help. Instead, consider gentle questions like, "How are you doing – really?", "Is everything in your world going okay?", or "Are things good with you?" These may not get someone to talk initially, but they're opening a door and showing genuine interest.
• Follow-up with what you've noticed to explain your interest. Now that you've opened the door, you can explain why you're asking. "You don't seem like yourself these days," "I've noticed a change in you," or "It seems like something is weighing on you."
• Now you listen – if they want to talk.
• Leave the door open if they don't. Opening up to someone is hard for many people. There's a fair chance that your efforts won't result in an in-depth conversation right away, but letting them know that you're available if they'd like to talk in the future may.

Of course, it's not a given that your efforts will be appreciated. Not everyone reacts well to uninvited attention, even if it's with the best of intentions. So, be prepared to respect their space and not take it personally if the person you're concerned about doesn't thank you for your interest.

As an empathetic and caring human being, showing concern for someone who seems to be troubled can feel like personal responsibility. It's just the right thing to do.
In the best-case scenario, the person about whom you're concerned will be at minimum comforted by the idea that someone cared enough to show interest genuinely. However, the worst case is that you open Pandora's box and unwittingly become their best friend or 24/7 lifeline by asking.
When you want to help someone, it can be very easy for boundaries to blur. It can also be easy to overlook, considering boundaries at all before you engage. However, boundaries are crucial to establish for the person you're helping and for yourself.

In the end, though, being able to help someone who needs it is the best part of humanity. You'd want someone to be there if you needed it or if someone you love needs it. So, with the proper boundaries in mind, offering to help someone suffering is worth the effort.

The post How to Know When a Loved One Needs Your Help appeared first on FamilyToday.

The universal role of uncertainty has rarely taken the spotlight more than it has over the last nearly two years. A worldwide pandemic brought into flagrant focus the fact that there’s no way for any if us to control every aspect of our lives. And for some, this realization initiated a barrage of mental health challenges including stress, anxiety, and depression.

Of course, it doesn’t take a pandemic to remind us that we can’t predict or control the future. Daily there are things that come out of the blue that can shake us. They might be happy things like being given a bonus at work, or frightening like an unexpected death. Whatever they are, we have to find a way to handle these unexpected events and move forward.

So, what can we do to effectively deal with the discomfort uncertainty in our lives can cause?

The Most Common Disruptive Reactions to Uncertainty

Uncertainty can cause its own brand of anxiety and stress. While we may all react in slightly different ways, most of us can keep perspective and maintain our regular day-to-day activities. There are some though whose response to uncertainty can become disruptive.

For these people the worry surrounding uncertainty can change the way they live, making it hard to experience happiness, at least for periods of time.

And even though everyone will respond somewhat differently, there are some commonly seen ways this anxiety can manifest. They include the following:

• Need for repeated reassurances. Worrying about what might happen next can lead people to seek reassurance in the extreme. Consider someone who’s worried about a loved one’s health. They may get to the point of nearly begging doctors to promise that that person will be okay. Some may even go to extremes, consulting horoscopes, psychics or using other means to attempt to know the unknowable.

• Inability to stay focused. Concern about the unknown can also lead to obsessive worry over what’s going to happen. This can cause your thoughts to cycle through concerns in such a way that you’re unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes at a time. For some people this can become almost paralyzing.

• Repeatedly playing out all the possible outcomes. Similar to the inability to stay focused, a person can become so concerned with the need to “know” what’s unknowable in a situation that they obsess over all possible outcomes. This stems from a desire to be prepared for anything by trying to imagine every possibility as a potential certainty.

• Becoming hypercautious. In an attempt to eliminate the potential for things outside of their control to occur, some may try to prevent the opportunity for uncertainty to creep in. They can do this by trying to live their lives in such a cautious, overly controlled way that in their minds they’re leaving no room for uncertainty.

• Assuming the worst. In the face of uncertainty some will automatically assume the worst possible outcome is the only possibility. This is referred to as catastrophizing and goes way beyond being simply prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.

There are, of course, variations to each of these reactions, and they can present themselves in different intensities and forms for different people.

Coping With Uncertainty

So, if you are one of the many who struggle with anxiety that uncertainty can bring, what can you do to cope? Keeping things in perspective and learning how to live with uncertainty is the key, because no matter what you do you will simply never eliminate it.

The good news is there are some well-established methods that can assist you in keeping uncertainty in perspective.

• Understand what you can control and what you can’t. You can control keeping yourself healthy through exercise, good eating habits, and routine check-ups. You can’t control whether a worldwide pandemic occurs. Knowing what you can affect and what you can’t is the first step in letting go of unproductive worry. Make a list of things that worry you and place them in two categories – what you can control and what you can’t. A word of caution here – you can only control you and your behavior, not the behavior of others. Be sure this list is true to that fact.

• Focus on your “control” list. Once you’ve made you list of things within your control you can focus on them. Again, make sure you’re focusing only on what you can control – your health, work, home organization, finances, etc.

• Meditate. Uncertainty can give rise to anxiety and an unsettled mind. Meditation in any of its forms can go a long way to creating calm. Even a minute of quiet, deep breathing can have big benefits.

• Break things down into simplest form. When you’re overly worried and struggling to maintain focus, breaking things down into smaller parts and taking things one chunk at a time can help. For instance, if you’re working on a project, make a list of the smallest steps you can to reach completion and focus on finishing one at time with breaks in between.

• Have a support buddy. For most things in life, it’s useful to have a support buddy. Coping with the anxiety of uncertainty is no different. This is a person who cares about you and can help you stay grounded when your anxiety is taking over by talking you through resetting your perspective. It can also be helpful to just give a voice to your worry and let someone else help you see the bigger picture.

• Accept what you can’t change. Remember that list of things you can’t control? Look at it, accept that you cannot impact those things, and then throw it away. This symbolic act of acceptance can help you mentally to do the same and rid yourself of those worries. You may have to make these lists more than once and go through this process multiple times to reset your brain and move on. What you’re likely to find, however, is that the list gets smaller over time as you accept the things outside your control more readily.

There will always be uncertainty in your life and unexpected events will occur. These may be good or bad, there’s no way to know. But taking care of yourself and the things that you can control will help you to be both mentally and physically prepared to react and handle those unexpected events. And effectively coping with uncertainty will allow you to be happier and be able to enjoy the good things life offers as well.

The post Healthy Ways For Dealing With Uncertainty In Your Life appeared first on FamilyToday.

Money and financial stress top the list as one of the biggest triggers for arguments in almost any marriage. In fact, financial strain is often cited as a contributing factor in many divorces, which is doubly unfortunate since divorce on its own can cause severe financial hardship for both partners.

The truth, however, is that the financial problems themselves aren’t the biggest threat to the relationship. It has much more to do with how a couple got to this point in the first place, how they handle the financial issues they’re now facing, and the effect they allow them to have on their relationship.

How You Got There Matters

Not all financial issues are created equal. For example, a couple that faces hardship due to circumstances outside of their control may face slightly fewer problems within their relationship than the couple experiencing financial infidelity.

Financial infidelity is when one partner hides financial information or decisions. Perhaps they spend irresponsibly, fail to pay the bills for which they’re responsible, or rack up debt that can’t easily be repaid, all without the knowledge of their partner. Eventually, this behavior is likely to lead to big problems for the couple’s financial life as well as create many additional issues within the relationship as the deception comes to light. Even the relationship health of a financially stable couple will suffer when one partner commits financial infidelity.

Couples that fall into hard times due to external circumstances, like a job loss, or unexpected expenses such as medical problems or household or automobile repairs, can still find their relationship quite stressed. In this case, however, the compounding problem of deception doesn’t play a role.

Effect of Financial Issues on Your Relationship

Financial issues put a heavy strain on a relationship and can change the manner in which partners relate to one another. They can also become such an immediate and intense point of focus that all regard for the health of the relationship is forgotten while the more practical matters of money and bills are attended to.

This is where many relationships begin to see cracks. It’s extremely easy to allow the burden and urgency of financial problems to eat away at was once likely a stable and loving relationship. The stress of how to make ends meet can spill over and break down each partner’s emotional stability and feelings of love they have for one another.

I see this in my marriage counseling practice daily. Some of the most common effects of financial distress on a relationship that come up include the following.

• • A break in trust. Even if the money problems aren’t a result of financial infidelity, struggling to manage the day-to-day bills and stay afloat can make partners start to second guess each other’s decisions, motivations, and undermine trust. Partners may start questioning each other’s priorities when it comes to spending. “Did you really need to get your nails done?” or “How much did you spend having drinks with the guys?” Even choices on name-brand toothpaste or toilet paper may come into question. If the problems are due to mismanagement and deceit by one partner it can feel impossible to trust them again with anything of great importance – like the family’s financial safety.
  • Blame. Along with a break in trust comes blame. We naturally want problems to be someone else’s fault. When it comes to money problems many partners begin to look for ways to blame the other for the situation they’re in. In some cases, there is one partner clearly more at fault than the other. In most cases, however, better financial choices could probably have been made by both.
  • Guilt. There can be a heavy feeling of guilt felt by one or both partners, especially if family health, safety, or comfort is compromised. Even if those basics are secure, a parent’s inability to give a child certain opportunities or niceties can lead to significant guilt. Eventually, these feelings of guilt can be tied to feelings of self-worth and can even contribute to depression.
  • Breakdown in communication. One of the largest effects of financial stress is without a doubt a breakdown in the ability of couples to effectively communicate with one another. Unfortunately, in times of difficulty, communication is the most crucial skill needed in order to weather the storm.

These are not all the effects financial problems can produce, but they are broadly the most common. I say broadly because each of these can manifest differently for the individual and each can have effects of its own that further compound the problems already being experienced.

Maintaining Your Relationship During Financial Turbulence

Finding a way to financial health is crucial, but even more so is maintaining the health of your relationship, especially if there are children involved. Allowing your relationship to break down will not only be painful and problematic for you, but it can also be devasting for kids. Even if you think you are shielding them, children are a tune to strain between their parents.

Couples often come to counseling in what they see as a last-ditch effort to save their relationship, but what most don’t act on earlier is taking steps to prevent themselves from getting to a “last-ditch” point. This isn’t to say they would have avoided counseling altogether but coming to counseling for help is a better place to start than coming out of desperation. Once a couple has gotten to this point you can be assured that family life is suffering in many ways – not just financially.

The most important measure any couple can take to maintain the health of their relationship is to constantly look for ways to maintain or improve communication. This needs to be done during good times and bad. Communication skills are like muscles, if you stop working on keeping them fit they will weaken or atrophy. When that happens, it can take much time and effort to get those skills back in shape.

Focusing on honest, productive, and consistent communication, especially as you are dealing with financial problems, is a non-negotiable if you are to maintain your relationship and work as a team. That can feel particularly difficult if your main focus is keeping the bills paid, but things will only worsen if your relationship falls apart as well. So, as hard as it may be, if you’re feeling the pressure and stress of financial problems, pause for a moment and consider all the aspects of your life including your relationship and family. Then give some thought to how you can minimize the additional damage that can be done when you allow the financial problems to tear those relationships apart.

The post How to Reduce the Toll of Financial Issues on Your Relationship appeared first on FamilyToday.

Recently, I overheard a teenaged girl saying, “OMG! My family is soooooo dysfunctional!” I know this girl’s family and, although you never know what’s happening behind closed doors, wouldn’t have referred to them as dysfunctional. Hearing her say this made me realize that most of us, especially teens, have no real idea of the difference between a dysfunctional vs. functional family dynamic. The terms have become sucked into common vernacular to the point they’ve nearly lost their importance, much like the terms (diagnosis) “OCD” or “bipolar,” which now get used in sentences like, “Oh geez, my OCD is totally kicking in – these papers need to be put in order!” or “She went completely bi-polar on me.”

So, it seems worth clarifying the actual differences and characteristics of functional vs. dysfunctional family dynamics.

Functional Family

Let’s start by acknowledging that families come in all shapes and sizes. Having a functional family isn’t about who comprises that family, but rather the relationships within it and how they operate. And being a functional family does not mean you are a “perfect” family, either. There’s simply no such thing.

Being a functional family also doesn’t mean you’re a perpetually happy family. There can be strife, disagreements, and upset in a family while maintaining functional relationships.

Truly, being a functional family is about the structure and the health of the relationships that exist within the family unit. In order for a family to be “functional,” the people within it need to create a safe environment that allows the members to express themselves as well as grow, develop, and thrive. This means not only cultivating a person’s individuality, but also providing direction and education on emotional, developmental, psychological, and academic levels.

Does this mean that teenagers are going to say “thank you” when you insist they go to school, not talk back, or deal with the repercussions of their actions? Nope. But the fact that they can express their displeasure and know their family members still love, respect, and support them is a clear sign of a functional family dynamic.

A strong foundation for creating a functional family will include the following.

• Love
• Respect
• Boundaries
• Leadership
• Communication

These attributes don’t mean there won’t be arguing, pushing of limits, discontent and frustration, or challenging times. There will almost certainly be all of those things, and it’s likely they will occur simultaneously on occasion. But what they will do is create a structure that allows for safety, growth, support, love, and connections that can last a lifetime.

Dysfunctional Family Relationships

A dysfunctional family setup, on the other hand, will be short on several if not all of those attributes.

One of the most prevalent issues within a dysfunctional family is a lack of respect between the members. A lack of respect can mean that boundaries are overstepped, communication is minimal, love is an afterthought, and leadership is nonexistent.

A family that isn’t functioning well will create feelings of disconnection between the members or may have members that are overly controlling and potentially abusive. All of this, especially for children, creates a sense of instability and being unsafe. A child who doesn’t feel safe in their environment, whether physically or emotionally, will become withdrawn, socially dysfunctional, and be prone to making poor decisions.

Signs Your Family Could Be Dysfunctional

I think we can all agree if there’s abuse, cruel treatment, or no boundaries at all a family would clearly be deemed dysfunctional. But is it always that extreme? No, not always.

Sometimes dysfunction in a family can be subtle. Or, even more common, a family might be functionally dysfunctional. But much like being a functional alcoholic, “functional” doesn’t make it healthy or acceptable – just easier to ignore and harder to see.

So, what are some of the signs that your family may be dysfunctional? Take a look.

Secrets

Secrets can undermine the foundation of any relationship and in a family, can create separation, dissension, and distrust. This isn’t, “We’re throwing mommy a surprise party – keep it a secret,” but rather the kind of secrets that could cause pain or damage to other members. Within a family members can and should have privacy, but that’s different than keeping secrets that would change the nature of the relationships if they were to be known.

Mixed Messages

Parents need to maintain a consistent and uniform approach in what they tell their children. Both as a parenting team and individually. Telling a child one day that something is wrong and the next that it’s right or allowing it to happen sends conflicting messages. The same way knowing that dad has his rules and mom has hers will.

Criticism

Instruction and constructive direction are necessary for development and a sign of respect. Constant criticism without recognition of positives will do damage, however.

Lack of Rules

Did you envy the kids who never had a curfew, could do what they wanted, go where they wanted, and wear what they wanted? That level of freedom seems highly desirable to teens especially, but it’s really a sign of disinvestment and disinterest. Rules can be difficult to enforce, especially when at certain rebellious ages, but consistent enforcement is a sign of love and creates stability. It also creates a sense of safety within children.

Too Many Rules

There is, however, a balance. Too many rules that govern too many actions can create fear and fear has no place in a functional family.

Unrealistic Expectations and Punitive Actions

No one is perfect and expectations that are too high can cause anxiety and fear in family members, especially if failure to live up to those expectations means harsh punishments. Expecting a child to get nothing less than 100% on every test taken and punishing them for getting a 95 percent, or expressing clear disappointment when your child isn’t the star of the soccer team is too much. There needs to be a level of tolerance for mistakes and the opportunity for growth, as well as realistic expectations based on a child’s development and ability.

The truth is that all families have some shade of dysfunctionality somewhere. The trick is to work on balance, focus on building functional characteristics, compromise when it makes sense, and create occasional exceptions rather than give in to dysfunction altogether.

In the case of the teen I mentioned at the beginning, I did ask her what she meant by calling her family “soooo dysfunctional.” Here’s what she told me.

“Oh, my mom told my brother like five times to stop slamming his door, he does that when he’s angry, so she took the door off the hinges and said he had to earn it back. And my dad told me I can’t dye my hair pink which is totally unreasonable because pink hair is totally in and it’s just hair - duh. And mom and dad had a full argument over the fact that there was like no gas in the car and who was supposed to have filled it. I mean, they’re totally dysfunctional.”

Hmm, sounds like a pretty normal, functional family to me. Just not a perfect one.

The post The Real Differences Between Functional and Dysfunctional Families appeared first on FamilyToday.

We often think of bullying as a problem experienced by kids in school. And yes, that’s definitely an area where bullying occurs. But bullying goes much further than just the playground. In fact, bullying between adults, in the workplace, in relationships, and socially happens just as frequently and can be equally as damaging and difficult to deal with.

So, kid or adult, what can you do about bullies and why would one person bully another anyway?

Why Bullying Occurs

Bullying is a form of intimidation that’s used to force someone to do things or behave in ways against their will. It’s a blunt, forceful, and abusive way that one person tries to gain control over another. It’s generally done by exploiting something unique about the victim, or some perceived weakness, thus making them feel vulnerable, alone, and helpless.

While there is no way to justify bullying behavior, it’s important to understand why it occurs. Understanding the basis for this kind of behavior actually can be a tool for the victim to use to push back and make the bullying stop.

Although bullies often have a mean or cruel demeanor about them, they also often have an air of confidence and control. The combination of these two behavioral attributes can lead others to believe a bully is strong, dominant, and indomitable. The truth, however, is the exact opposite.

Most bullies are terribly insecure and have suffered bullying themselves, or some other stressful, traumatic event that they’re unable to cope with in a healthy way. Some people deal with stress and trauma in ways that lead to personal growth and increased resilience, and others don’t. Such is the case with most bullies.

The most common underlying reasons a person becomes a bully are the following.

• Feeling powerless. Nearly all of those who bully do it to feel powerful. This often occurs when a person feels powerless in other aspects of their life. People naturally feel better when they’re in control of their lives. When parts of your life are out of control then you may seek control in other, sometimes unhealthy ways. Namely the bullying and control of others.
• Problems at home. For kids especially, home and family problems are a large contributor to bullying behavior. A child who’s abused, whose family is splitting up, is facing grief, or dealing with other hardships that they can’t affect but have to suffer through, may take their pain out on others through bullying behavior. For adults, these problems can include financial issues, an abusive spouse or unhappy marriage, or personal discontent in the status of their life.
• The need to be seen. A person who feels, or has felt, invisible might see bullying as a path toward attention, recognition or popularity. Rather than achieving recognition in positive ways, they belittle, insult, and hurt others in order to be seen and acknowledged.
• Low self-esteem and insecurity. People try hard to hide their insecurities. For some this effort manifests in a strike-first attitude. Before anyone might notice their own inadequacies, they work to make sure they’ve pointed out the differences, weaknesses, or inadequacies of others.

Do any of these things make bullying behavior okay? No, of course not. But having an idea why someone behaves the way they do can help immensely when dealing with them.

What Kids Face From Bullies

Bullying for kids has come a long way from swirlys and having your lunch money taken. Social media has become a primary tool for bullying today - leading to cyber-bullying which includes shaming, starting or spreading rumors, or posting unflattering photos.

Of course, physical bullying still occurs as well. Name-calling, physical intimidation, and social ostracization all still exist and can make going to school or participating in team sports unspeakably painful for some kids.

Unfortunately, kids might experience bullying for a long time before ever confiding in a parent or trusted adult. So, having an idea of the symptoms a child might show when being bullied is important. If your child shows any of the following behavior, it’s time to consider bullying as a possible cause.

• Lack of desire or fear when going to school.
• Acting out or overreactions to small issues.
• Vague, persistent physical ailments like stomach problems or headaches.
• Anxiety

Withdrawal, disinterest in socialization, and lack of interest in their normal activities. These are also symptoms of depression, which can result from unresolved bullying.

What Adult Bullying Can Look Like

Sadly, some people never grow out of being a bully and this abusive behavior persists into adulthood. Some people may also develop bullying tendencies as an adult when their circumstances change (see above) and they don’t cope in a healthy way.

We’ve all probably known an adult bully or two. The boss who yells and embarrasses employees, the neighbor who tries to push buttons (or your garbage cans), perhaps even a romantic partner. Thankfully – hopefully – as adults, we’re better equipped to see the behavior for what it is and look for effective ways to diffuse or remove its effect on us.

What Can You Do About A Bully?

Dealing with a bully, whether you’re a kid or an adult, isn’t easy. And the idea of standing up to them or really doing anything about it can feel very scary. But if the alternative is to continue taking the abuse, then making an effort to change things is crucial for your well-being.

Remember though, you aren’t responsible for changing their behavior or fixing their problems – just for putting a stop to their bullying of you. To that end, keep these tips in mind.

• • Remain confident. A bully wants to intimidate and undermine you. By remaining confident – even if you have to fake it - you prevent them from doing that. It’s a small yet big win for you. Remember whatever they’re struggling with has nothing to do with you.
  • Remain calm. By reacting in a scared or agitated manner you are feeding their behavior. Stay calm and don’t react. By doing this you prevent them from feeling as though their behavior is effective.
  • Acknowledge if necessary. It can be awkward, or downright weird, not to say anything at all in the face of bullying. So, if necessary, consider responses like, “I’m sorry you’re having such a bad day,” “I hope you’re able to fix whatever’s making you act this way,” or “I heard you. Now I’m done listening.” If the bullying is online it’s probably wise to disengage, however, and ignore it.
  • Walk away if possible. A person who’s bullying you wants your attention. Taking that away from them by leaving the situation can deflate their enthusiasm. This is the same reasoning for ignoring social media trolls and online bullies. If they can’t elicit a response a bully often loses interest.
  • Talk to others. Not sure if you’re actually being bullied? Or, wondering if others are experiencing the same thing? Talk to those you trust. Bullies typically have more than one target, even if you’re the primary one for the moment. Enlisting the support or viewpoints of others can give you comfort and the courage to remain confident and calm.

Sadly, most of us will experience bullying at some point in our lives, including the bullies themselves. The most important goal in surviving a bully is to not allow them to make you change how you see yourself.

The post Why Bullies Bully and What You Can Do to Stop It appeared first on FamilyToday.

“Yeah, you’ll be able to use that! Everyone will call you St. Steve and all the ladies will think you’re amazing. Nice move.” Jack’s cynicism has become intolerable for nearly everyone close to him.

Know anyone like this? Someone who has become so cynical that they have a hard time believing anything good can really happen, or that anyone actually does things for unselfish reasons? I do. Several people as a matter of fact, including Jack whose family finally convinced him he needed to change.

Why People Become Cynical

Before we talk about why people become cynical, let’s first make sure we know what cynicism is and what it looks like.

Cynicism is the belief that the actions of others, no matter how altruistic in appearance, have selfish and self-serving motivations. It’s often confused with skepticism, but the two are different.

A skeptic may also doubt the motives of others, but it’s generally with a curious nature and a desire to have things proven rather than just stated.

A cynic, however, believes the worst in people. They assume everyone is inspired by greed and ambition and therefore are often disdainful, derisive, or sarcastic in their opinions and commentary of others’ behavior. Much like Jack’s comment to Steve, his best friend.

So why do people behave this way? Does a cynic truly believe that no one does anything just for the good of the act?

Possibly. Although they probably haven’t always believed that.

Cynicism is a defense mechanism. The distrustful nature of a cynic is a means of self-preservation. By thinking the worst of people and assuming everyone is really just out for themselves the cynic prevents themselves from being fooled, looking foolish, or being taken advantage of. This means at some point they or someone they love, very likely was taken advantage of, made to look foolish and hurt, usually deeply. So, consciously, or unconsciously, they are determined not to let that happen again.

Whatever the hurt was they suffered or witnessed was impactful and possibly long-lived. As a result, a cynic’s faith in others to do good without personal gain is nonexistent.

That’s not the only reason people can become cynical, however. Cynicism can arise from self-doubt as well. When a person feels not good enough, fears they are likely to fail and disappoint others, or does not feel good about their own motivations, they may use a cynical approach as a means of deflecting and defense. Assuming others are selfishly motivated makes it easier to hide your own motivations or take the pressure and focus off of yourself.

Problems Faced By Cynical People and Those Around Them

We all know cynical people. Although they may be friends or family, consistent exposure to cynical people can be exhausting. And it’s not healthy for them either.

To be cynical is also to be negative - you really can’t be a positive cynic. Pervasive negativity will cause problems for both the person and the people who love them, and cynicism is an especially toxic form of negativity.

Among the problems commonly experienced by cynics are:

• Health issues. Cynicism has been linked to physical problems such as heart disease, eating disorders, and high blood pressure. It’s also been connected to dementia and early death. This kind of constant negativity and distrust of others clearly takes a toll on physical well-being.
• Depression. A cynical mindset can serve to incubate other negative responses and viewpoints. These thoughts can push people into a depressive spiral. In fact, cynicism and depression are closely associated.
• Loss of relationships. Not surprisingly, cynical people can easily sabotage relationships and alienate the people they love. When you distrust the motivations of nearly everyone, creating intimacy and a healthy, loving relationship is very difficult.
• Loss of faith. This isn’t just religious faith, but faith in humanity and the idea that things can be done for the greater good. Faith, religious or otherwise, plays a different role in everyone’s lives. Cynicism, however, can make it difficult for faith to exist in any form. If you can’t believe that people can behave in the best interest of others it’s hard to have faith that anything is done for positive reasons.

Cynicism can also become contagious if you’re not careful. You’ve heard the saying misery loves company? Cynics will do their best to convince those around them that they’re sheep, gullible, naive, or just plain stupid for believing in the positive version of human nature. No one wants to be viewed this way, and if the cynic is persuasive enough, or in a position of influence (like a spouse or a parent), it can be easy to get drawn into their viewpoint.

A cynical viewpoint can also be alluring because it can negate your moral compass. If everyone is really just out for themselves, then selfish, self-serving or hedonistic behaviors should really be fine, right? A cynic’s answer would be, “Sure, why not. Take care of number one and do what you want. Everyone else is.”

If you’ve become cynical it can feel like you’re trapped in that mindset, but you don’t have to be. You can find your way back to a more positive outlook. Depending on how you ended up becoming cynical, however, it may take some work.

If you have been influenced too heavily by someone around you, you’ll likely be able to refocus and see things in a more positive light more quickly. If your cynicism is more deeply rooted and has become part of your emotional defense system, it may take more effort though. You, like Jack and many others, will likely need help from a qualified counselor to work through and overcome the pain that’s at the heart of your cynicism.

The post The Toxic Danger Of Cynicism appeared first on FamilyToday.

Now there tends to be a try-it-before-you-buy-it attitude when it comes to living together and marriage. People want to make sure they’re still compatible after they’ve combined their lives and are sharing a household before they make anything permanent or legally binding.

But what about those that still have an appreciation for the traditional way of doing things, or whose values or religion discourage living together before marriage? How do you navigate a relationship when you don’t want to live together, but your partner does?

Before we look at how to handle the conflict, let’s consider the point of view of each side.

The Benefits Of Living Together Before Marriage

Many will tell you it makes sense to spend some time living together before you actually get married. Even if it means waiting to move in until you’re officially engaged, proponents argue that the pros to cohabitating are considerable.

Some of the biggest ones that are often cited are the following.

• You get to workout the growing pains early. No matter how much you love someone, living together requires adjustments. Differing thoughts about how and when the laundry gets done, do you roll or squeeze the toothpaste tube, and general household maintenance issues can all cause strife at the beginning. Over time these things get worked out and you (hopefully) settle into a routine that works for you both. So, why not get this done as soon as possible so that when you’re married you can enjoy the bliss?
• You save money. No doubt that maintaining two households is more expensive than maintaining one. So, especially if you’re saving for your wedding, home, or other investments, combining households and cutting expenses in half makes sense, right?
• It deepens intimacy. When you share a home with someone you grow closer. So, it makes sense that if you love someone and plan on spending your life together you should do all you can to deepen the closeness and intimacy. What better way to accomplish that than spending every night and morning together and beginning the building process for your future?
• It reduces stress. The going back and forth, needing to double up on supplies, and the extra energy it takes to have two households can just exacerbate the stress already caused by planning a wedding or just life in general. Not to mention the extra stress of planning a move after a wedding. Wouldn’t it be better to already be living together and know that after the wedding you’re home free?

These arguments are just some of those used by partners who think that living together before marriage makes sense. And admittedly, most do seem fairly logical.

The Benefits Of Living Apart Until Marriage

The problem with love, emotions, and traditions, however, is that logic isn’t always and doesn’t have to be, a factor.

Those who feel that living together before marriage isn’t a good idea will tell you the following things are what’s important.

• Keeping the commitment strong. Many couples who live together before marriage will tell you they are just as committed as already married couples. But the truth is that there is something very weighty and important about making things “official” through marriage and the commitment that comes with that. When you are simply living together you have the ability at any point to leave. It may not be easy or without repercussions, but it also doesn’t require a lengthy legal filing or the breaking of a commitment made in front of friends and family to love each other until death do you part.
• The excitement of a new marriage. Yes, marriage, moving, unpacking, etc. can all combine to make it feel like the stress is never-ending, but that stress also brings with it a certain amount of excitement and happy anticipation. Carrying your spouse over the threshold that you’ve already crossed together a million times as a couple living together loses some of the luster that doing so for the first time in a place that’s now yours together holds. There is something undeniably exciting and special about the newness of being a married couple and living together for the first time.
• You’re less likely to put things off. Remember the “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” phrase? Even if you’re already engaged, living together can make it easy to postpone things for any number of reasons. If you are waiting to combine households until after the wedding it can keep alive the momentum and motivation for conquering obstacles.
• It’s not all about the money. Despite Meja’s claim, it’s not always “All Bout The Money.” Yes, yes, two houses are more expensive, etc. but is that really what we’re reducing love, commitment and tradition down to? There are many partners out there that will agree there are some things that are more important than money in the long run.
• Compromising on what you think is right for you can cause problems. Going against what you feel is the “right thing” for you can be uncomfortable and create distrust and resentment. If you feel strongly that, despite the “logic” of moving in together before marriage, you want to wait, your partner should respect that. Why is this a point here on this side and not also on the living together first side? Probably because waiting until marriage is generally more rooted in emotional and perhaps religious or moral reasons. A person who compromises here is way more apt to feel as though they have betrayed something important within themselves and regret it later.

What To Do When You And Your Betrothed Don’t Agree About Living Together

No matter how you slice it, moving in together is a big deal. This means that communicating about the right time and right plan is important and consequently reaching a comfortable agreement on that time and plan is also very important.

If you aren’t ready to move in together it’s crucial that you are clear with your partner about that and the reasons why. It then becomes crucial that your partner listens to you, respects your feelings, and is patient. Taking a step this big under pressure will backfire.

By the same logic, however, listening to their reasons for wanting to take that step is also important. You both owe it to each other to listen respectfully to one another on all topics.

If, however, you are having trouble finding a way to agree on this topic, you might want to consider couples counseling. This is advisable in general before marriage as it helps you establish a strong foundation for communication, joint decision making, and resolving conflict. Some of the first areas that can break down and also the most crucial for a successful marriage.

The post When You Don’t Want To Live Together Before Marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

Defensive behavior is a common response to feeling uncomfortable. But continual and unwarranted defensiveness can be a sign of problems. Not to mention that it makes it very difficult to have a meaningful conversation.

What Defensive Behavior Looks Like

Defensive behavior seems easy to identify, right? Yes, and no. There are actually several ways that defensive behavior can manifest.

• "Yes, but...": Another common defense response is justification. Trying to over-explain and justify actions is a defensive move. These become excuses for behavior.
• "It’s your fault.": Many times someone on the defensive will try to turn things around and make it your fault. One of my favorites came from an 8-year-old who had knocked a glass off a table and broke it. Rather than saying sorry and claiming her accidental move, she turned to her mother and said, “Well it wouldn’t have broken if you hadn’t put it there. It’s really your fault.” While this is a teachable moment for a child, many adults operate in this same fashion.
• "You don’t understand.": Claiming to be misunderstood and that you couldn’t possibly relate to their actions or motivations is another favorite.
• "You did it too.": Whatever the behavior in question is, they may claim you’ve done it too and therefore they can’t be judged, nor will they accept any responsibility or admit wrongdoing. Or they may point out other things you’ve done and make them sound worse than their own actions. You may hear things like, “It’s not like you can talk,” or “You’re no better.”
• “I’m not listening to you.”: While the silent treatment is a form of passive-aggressive anger, silence and blatantly ignoring someone can also be a defensive move. Rather than engaging in productive conversation they simply pretend they can’t hear you or are too focused on something else to pay attention to you, looking up at some point and asking, “What’s your problem?”
• Non-verbal clues: It’s very common for defensive behavior to have a non-verbal component. This response can stand alone or be in conjunction with verbal behaviors. Crossed arms, a turned or partially turned back, or a lack of eye contact, especially with an intent focus toward something else, are all considered defensive posturing. Without saying a word these actions tell you the person you’re speaking with does not like or opposes whatever you’re saying.

The overall goal for all these defense mechanisms is to protect the individual from a perceived threat (criticism of their behavior or being told they are wrong), even if the threat doesn’t actually exist.

Why People Become Defensive

We have all been defensive at some point. It’s how we keep ourselves safe. But defense mechanisms that kick in at inappropriate times can disrupt relationships and often reveal larger issues.

A common time for defensive behavior is when we’re embarrassed. Feeling embarrassed can leave you vulnerable to ridicule and shame. Often people become defensive when embarrassed and explain, justify, ignore, or otherwise deflect the attention away from themselves.

While some defensive behavior is common and understandable, like when you’re feeling embarrassed, constant defensiveness is a bigger problem. It may help, however, to try and understand the origin of the response, especially if it seems odd for the situation.

People who frequently respond to others with defensive behavior may do so because of past experiences. Growing up in an abusive environment, or one where they were consistently belittled and blamed, can create an always beware mindset. They may assume that everyone else’s baseline is to find a way to blame, criticize, or take out their dissatisfaction with them.

Another possibility is that someone is dealing with persistent feelings of inferiority and a need to show others that they’re worthy and have value. This need can lead a person to respond in a defensive manner to most interactions, even when the interaction is intended to be positive.

Perhaps the most common reason for defensiveness is the inability to listen and communicate effectively. Responding without listening and fully understanding leads to inappropriate and disproportionate defensive behavior. When we don’t have all the information about a situation we can interpret it in the worst possible way. The tendency is then to project the imagined negative outcome into the future, even with no evidence that the situation will ever occur. The perceived outcome that we so easily assume will occur will lead us to automatically defend ourselves without any real reason to do so.

How To Talk To Someone Who’s Always Defensive

So, how do you communicate with someone whose go-to response is a defensive one? It can be tough, and it can also feel as though you’re the one being attacked and trigger your own defensive response. This isn’t a healthy interaction between anyone and can be especially damaging to romantic relationships.

The first thing you need to do is check yourself. Do you tend to use language that naturally incites a defensive response? Starting sentences with accusatory language like, “You always” or “You never” really sets someone up to defend themselves. Rarely do people always or never do anything.

Next, focus on taking a positive approach to whatever you want to discuss. This may mean using appreciative language at the beginning of a conversation or leading with something encouraging that generates engagement.

If you have a criticism to deliver, or anything else that could be taken poorly, make a point not to lose your temper and become angry. This can be a tough one, especially if the person you are talking to goes into defense mode and becomes combative, disrespectful, or angry on their own. But you will get nowhere once you are both angry and defensive.

Lastly, try asking questions. Not in a condescending, need-to-prove-your-point manner, but genuine, meaningful, and open-ended questions that encourage the person you’re speaking with to open up and recognize their own behavior. You might even ask directly if something about what you’ve said is making them feel uneasy or threatened.

Better understanding the basis of someone’s defensiveness will help you not to take it personally and be able to respond in a way that encourages better communication. And if you’re the one who’s defensive more often than is appropriate, understanding your own behavior can help you make needed changes as well.

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