"Mom, can I have fifteen dollars to go to the movies with my friends?"

"Don't you have some of your own money?" I question.

"I spent it," my son replies with a frown quickly followed with his big dark brown puppy-dog eyes.

My heart yearns, "Give him what he wants!" But my brain argues back, "Don't do it, he will never learn!" I am torn in two. Do I just give him the money or insist he works to earn it himself? This same dilemma confronts countless parents each day.

This epidemic of children who think they deserve special treatment and extra privileges "just because" is becoming all too common. So what's the root cause of this problem? The same well-intentioned people who want it stopped-parents.

But if you are looking to raise an entitled and unmotivated teenager this year, follow these six steps exactly:

1. Constantly tell your teen they are smart

Teenagers who are consistently told they are smart tend to give up and become unmotivated when the work gets hard. Researcher Carol Dweck points out this fixed-mindset plagues many teenagers and limits their potential. Instead, Dweck suggests pointing out the process (instead of their intelligence) so teenagers adopt "a growth mindset" instead - which is essential for their current and future successes.

2. Never teach them to apologize

Teenagers who don't learn to apologize when they hurt or offend others are unmotivated to make amends for their actions. They think they are entitled to "treat others as they please." Unless you want to raise an entitled child, instead of allowing your child to grow up feeling they are better than others, teach them to apologize when they hurt or offend a sibling or friend. Point out the pain they cause and show them how to take responsibility for their actions.

3. Never let them fail

Parents who do not let their children fail are unknowingly hindering their growth. Today's teenagers have been taught that win or lose, they're always guaranteed a trophy just for participating. However, as Sal Khan shares on his insightful video, "Failing is just another word for growing." It's OK to let your teenagers struggle. Offer support so they can rise up and learn from their experience.

4. Constantly pick-up after them

Parents who constantly pick up after their teenagers only increase feelings of entitlement, irresponsibility and non-motivation. Instead, teach your teenagers to put away their own things. This helps them value what they have and feel grateful for their personal items.

5. Pay them for regular household chores

When teenagers are paid for chipping in around the house they feel entitled and eventually refuse to volunteer to help out. Instead, according to research at the University of Minnesota, parents should teach their teens about expectations around the house. As a member of the family, they need to chip-in and complete required chores without pay.

6. Give them money whenever they want it

Teenagers who are regularly given money never feel the satisfaction of earning their own cash and deciding how to spend it. Instead, give them bigger jobs around the house such as mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, raking leaves or cleaning out closets to earn extra money. When they are old enough, teach them how to write a resume and apply for jobs so they can earn their own spending money. This decreases entitlement and increases competence, independence and motivation.

As a parent you might accidentally fall into the mindset that you are responsible to ensure your teenagers are happy, having fun, and enjoying the "good life." I've fallen into this mindset as well.

You might even think by giving them what they want and having few expectations or rules, they will reciprocate your kindness by making good choices and becoming a good person. But this thinking is like letting your teenagers eat ice cream, cookies, and pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner while ignoring all the nutritious foods their bodies need. As a parent, you need to provide structure and direction for your children.

It is your responsibility to coach your teenagers as they grow so they can become successful and contributing members of society. Or you can raise entitled and unmotivated teenagers who might live with you for the rest of their lives-the choice is yours.

The post 6 steps to raising an entitled and unmotivated teenager appeared first on FamilyToday.

I recently witnessed a heartbreaking scene while grocery shopping.

Three women had a young girl trapped, pinning her against some shelves. One of the tormentors looked older than the rest; possibly her mother. The other two were teenagers — maybe her sisters. My gaze shifted to the girl, who looked about 8 or 9. The three were mumbling and laughing as the young girl cried.

Sadness flooded my heart.

I glanced back at the scene just as the older woman pulled the girl's hair. She started to sob.

"Shut up!" hissed the woman.

My brain swirled, and tears made it hard to see. But the scene did not stop. Instead the tormentors blurted, "We're going to leave you."

I imagined how that sweet girl felt:How could they be so cruel? They are older. They are bigger. They are supposed to help me.

The words screamed through my brain.

She slowly followed. She had no choice.

My heart broke, and tears burst forth. How many children are hit, slapped, pushed or yelled at by the adults in their lives?

Something must be done.

Throughout the generations, a lie has been fabricated that says children "deserve" what's coming to them. But it is just that — a lie!

Children are human beings with a heart and a soul just like you and me. They have needs and sometimes act out to communicate those needs. But they are not evil. They NEVER deserve abuse.

They do not "deserve" to have their hair pulled.

They do not deserve to be punched.

They do not deserve to be hit.

They do not deserve to be slapped.

They do not deserve to be yelled at.

EVER.

Children are learning. They rely on the adults in their lives.

They rely on adults to love them.

They rely on adults to feed them.

They rely on adults to help them feel safe.

There are better ways than physical force and verbal cruelty to help children learn and grow.

My husband's grandfather was whipped as a child. As he crouched by the shed, his backside blistered, he swore to never hit his own children. He never did. The hurt stopped with him.

It can be stopped. It can stop with you.

Decide today you will not hurt your children. Choose to treat them with love and respect — even if you never experienced those things as a child.

Decide to be their safe, loving place.

Show them kindness, and how to live a life full of it.

Learn how to connect with your children so they know they are valued.

Discover how to set strong, kind limits.

Find the coping skills to use in tough times.

There is help. There are books. There are classes.

You can do it! You can stop the hurt.

Your children need you.

They are small. They are young. The world is a scary place.

Be the adult.

It starts with you and me.

It starts with all of us.

Let's stop the hurt.

Editor's note: This article was previously published on parentingbrilliantly.com. It has been republished here with permission.

The post After I witnessed a child being abused, I knew I couldn’t stay silent appeared first on FamilyToday.

As I round the corner, I see my fourteen-year-old son sitting at the computer playing a game. He has been on that computer too long; he has other things to do, I think.

"You need to go practice the piano," I gruffly call out. His shoulders tense. He is not going to obey,shouts the negative voice in my headPause for two seconds.He is still sitting there. I don't have time for this! He is not even moving.

"Get off the computer and go practice," I blurt, anger rising to the surface.

"I don't want to practice right now," he argues back.

Oh, no - He thinks he's going to win this one. Oh, no he is not! Threaten him with a punishment; he is not obeying you. You are his mother, shouts the voice in my head.

When we tell our kids to do something and they don't immediately comply with our commands, we might think, "How dare he! I am the parent! He needs to obey me!" Then we dole out a big punishment that "teaches him a lesson."

It can even go a step further if children resist or try to defend themselves. Then, big blazing anger fully ignites. Unfortunately, when parents are angry, they might do or say something harmful to their children. They often forget they are the adults who are responsible for their behavior and action toward the younger and smaller human beings in their care.

So why does this cycle start? Where is the problem?

Obedience as a parenting goal

The problem lies in thinking that compliant obedience is the number one goal of parenting. Closely tied to this is the act of punishing disobedience.

Before we continue, let me clarify: I am not talking about safety issues. Of course, if your child is hurting someone or about to be hurt, you need to step in and stop the unsafe behavior. What I am discussing are the daily interactions when you need your children to stop what they are doing and complete a task you are giving them such as practicing the piano, finishing their homework or cleaning their room.

Interestingly, as I was researching for my book, it became glaringly obvious that the goal of having obedient (compliant) children who are motivated out of fear or because of threat of punishment has existed for generations.

The problem with this goal and way of thinking is children grow up either compliant to authority figures or resentful and rebellious. Think about it: Do you really want your children compliant to all authority figures? Even those who would do them harm? Do you want your children to be resentful because they feel your agenda is more important than they are? When they are older, do you want them to rebel? Of course not. But when obedience is the number one goal, this is the path you might be headed on.

What is the solution? What needs to be the goal of parenting? Connection first, then cooperation.

Before you think, "This lady is crazy!" hear me out.

Connection as a parenting goal

Connection means listening to your children, being there for each other and spending time together. It means building a trusting, fun relationship. Doctor Shefali, clinical psychologist and author of "Out of Control," sums it up well, "The first task of any parent is to establish connection."

This needs to be the first goal of parenting because when children feel their parents really care for them and consider their points of view, children will listen and cooperate.

Do not confuse connection with giving children whatever they want or constantly coddling them. Connection means slowing down to have conversations, listening to children's concerns, empathizing with how they are feeling and respecting who they are.

Once you form a connection, simply tell them what needs to be done in a kind but firm tone. Children then have to process the information.

Dr. Laura Markham, clinical psychologist and parenting author, explains this process, "Their frontal cortex is still developing the ability to switch gears from what they want to what you want. Every time you set a limit that requires your child to give up what she wants in order to do what you want, she has to make a choice. When she decides that her relationship with you is more important than what she wants at this moment, she follows your request."

What is key for your kids to follow what you ask? Your relationship! Children who feel connected to their parents and have a relationship with them are going to listen and cooperate more often than not.

Here's what it looks like:

As I look at my son, I quiet the negative voice and take a deep breath. Connect with him first, I repeat to myself. I squat next to him and place my hand on his shoulder. "Looks like a fun game."

"Yeah, look at what this does, Mom," he replies with a smile. I watch for thirty seconds commenting about the game.

"You need to practice the piano," I calmly say. "Do you want to first finish up your turn and then go practice?"

"Yes, that would work."

"What do you need to do when your turn is over?"

"Practice the piano," he replies.

"OK, sounds like a deal."

One minute of connection opens your children's hearts and ears. It solidifies your relationship. It is the first goal of parenting. Give it a try and see what happens.

This article was previously published on parentingbrilliantly.com. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Why obedience should never be the goal of parenting appeared first on FamilyToday.

As I round the corner of the grocery aisle, I hear the shrill words, "Get over here. Stop touching everything you see." A frazzled mother is glaring at her three-year-old daughter.

Her young shoulders droop and her head turns down. The girl slowly and hesitantly walks toward her mother, but then something catches her attention. She stops.

"I said get over here; what is wrong with you?" yells the mother. She reaches out and grabs her daughter by the arm.

"I want a fruit snack. I want a fruit snack," the little girl whines.

"Be quiet," retorts the mom as she glares at her daughter.

Silently my heart aches for this dear mother and daughter. I understand. I too have struggled with yelling at my precious children. If only I could tell her she is not alone in the struggle.

Recently I asked mothers why they yell at their kids. Here are some of their responses:

• I yell at my kids when they aren't being responsible — after I've asked them a few times to clean up something or get their homework done. Or if they are fighting or being mean with each other. They know that is not OK.

• I always end up yelling when my kids are supposed to be cleaning up or doing something I have asked them to do and they continue to ignore me and run around chasing each other. Then one of my kids ends up getting hurt and then I yell more.

• My yelling almost always occurs at night ... end of the day and I'm worn out and the kid gets her second wind and I'm ready to be done parenting for the day. And it's always because I've asked her for something numerous times and it's not happening so I raise my voice to get her attention. But it's always tied to my tiredness. The more tired I am, the less patient I am.

• I asked my kids and they said it happens when I don't know what to do about something. So I guess I'm frustrated with myself and taking it out on them.

I appreciate the honesty and self-reflection of these mothers.

We might resort to yelling when we no longer know how to motivate our kids or we are tired or need them to be responsible; but does it help? Are we causing other issues by yelling?

According to a study done in the fall of 2013 and published online in the journal "Child Development," yelling - defined as shouting, cursing or insult-hurling - may be "just as detrimental" as physical punishment to the long-term well-being of teenagers. Yelling can trigger feelings of low self-worth in teens and even depression.

So what can we do instead?

As I sat thinking about this question, this mantra came to mind: Close, Quiet, Connect.

It means we need to get close to our children and even gently touch them on the arm to bring their full attention to us. Then speak in a quiet voice and tell them what we expect them to do. We can finish with a quick pat, hug or encouraging words such as, "I know you can do this." This keeps our relationship connected and intact.

When I asked some mothers to give this mantra a try, I was excited to hear back about what happened. Here are what two moms shared:

"I feel like it's helped remind me that they're kids, and they just want to be happy and have fun. When I was close and calm, they responded more happily and quickly. Honestly, I was quite doubtful it would change things, but I have been VERY pleasantly surprised it has improved things on both ends!" - Leah, mother of 2 young daughters

"The close, quiet, connect method worked to defuse the situation more quickly (every time I remembered to use it) than the times that I resorted to the frustrated "Stop doing that!" that so often comes out of my mouth. It helped me to remain more in control of my emotions and he responded to my calmness." - Kari, mother of 3 young sons

When I get close to my sons, speak quieter and stay connected with them, I feel more calm and capable as a mother and my children (usually) respond positively.

To all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store or at home, chin up. Take a deep breath, apologize for your behavior toward your children and start over - this time try close, quiet, connect and see what happens.

Editor's note: This article was previously published on ParentingBrilliantly.com. It has been republished here with permission.

The post To the mom yelling at her kid in the grocery store appeared first on FamilyToday.

16 years ago I sat gazing at my curly-haired one-year-old son. My heart yearned to protect him from the cruelty and difficulty of life. A tornado-like feeling spun through my head at the enormity of my parenting responsibility.

If only I could find a way to put him in a protective bubble and keep him safe.

"God," I prayed, "How can I keep him safe?"

A quiet thought entered my mind: Teach him.

As my children continue to grow, that thought returns often: Teach them.It has been joined by another thought: Knowledge is power.

You cannot protect your children from struggles and challenges, but you can infuse them with knowledge that makes them more able to face life, push through and rise stronger than before.

Here are 7 pep talks I regularly share with my children so they have personal power in their difficult times. I encourage you to share them with your kids. In fact, don't wait another day. Do it today.

Stand up for yourself in a respectful way

Speak up for yourself. Don't let others take advantage of you. Ask questions. Speak respectfully so others will listen. Being nice does not mean giving in to others. Say what you need. Do it respectfully. Your voice matters.

Life is hard, and that's okay

Life is difficult and challenging, and that's okay. Lean into the challenges, square up and face them. You are made to do hard things. School, relationships with family and friends and life can be hard. Hard does not = bad. Hard means you have the opportunity to grow, learn and improve. You are made to do hard things.

Life is not fair

The sooner you accept life is not fair, the happier you will be. Stop chasing fairness, and rid yourself of the disappointment it brings. Stop complaining and wishing things were different. Instead, stand up, and make things happen. Life may not be fair, but opportunities to learn, have relationships and be grateful for your life are limitless. Life is as good as you make it.

Own your mistakes, and learn from them

You will make mistakes; they are part of life. At times they might be painful, and that is okay. Own your mistakes, make amends and apologize when you hurt someone. Get up, and learn from your mistakes. They are powerful teachers. Mistakes are not failures. They are gifts to learn from.

You have people in your corner

There are people in your corner: God, family, friends and teachers. They will cheer for you. They will help you if you need advice. They will teach you. They will lift you. They have your back. Remember this when times get tough. Many people have your back. You are not alone.

Be curious: Learn all you can

Learning is wonderful. It is exciting, and it is exhilarating. There is so much to learn. Knowledge helps you with the challenges you face. Make learning a life-long pursuit. Knowledge is power. Learn something new every day. Be curious.

You make your own happiness

No one is responsible for your happiness except you. Do not be a victim. Do not be a person who expects others to step in and make you happy. Others will help you through life, but they are not in charge of your happiness-you are. Get up and make your happiness.

(Bonus #8) You are capable

When you feel you are not capable, remember you are. Push though difficult tasks. Break them down into smaller, more manageable pieces. Figure out your different options. Ask for help. Always remember you are capable. You really are.

Occasionally I give these pep talks at the dinner table or at bedtime when I have individual one-on-one time with each of my kids. These are especially helpful when one of them is facing a particularly challenging situation.

Infuse your kids with confidence and personal power. Make time today to share these life-lessons with your children. Even better, share a personal story when you used one or more of these principles in your life and explain what happened. Children of all ages love stories.

Your children's potential is limitless. Help them soar and be successful as they face life and learn from it, rising stronger and more capable than before.

This article was originally published on ParentingBrilliantly.com. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 7 pep talks your kids need to hear today appeared first on FamilyToday.

Flinging open my bathroom door, I stare in disbelief at my one year old son who is perched on my bathroom counter with black streaks all over his body. Emotions of shock, frustration and anger rush through me. Looking closer I see my mascara bottle clinched in one little hand, and the applicator in the other: "What on earth are you doing?!" I question.

I grab the bottle and applicator away, and then pause to absorb what is going on. It dawns on me... he is trying to be like me, he is mimicking what he sees me do (although you will be happy to know I do not put mascara on my body).

This realization defuses my anger like taking the lid off a boiling pan.

I quickly clean him up and remain calm through the situation, because I realized the motivation behind his actions instead of just thinking he was being naughty and trying to make me angry.

As a parent it is easy, almost automatic, to jump to the conclusion that our children are behaving in naughty ways. (I have done it many times.) However, when we take the time to understand the motivation behind their behavior we can see more clearly what is going on and handle the situation in a calm, respectful, responsible manner.

There are at least three underlying reasons, or motives, why children behave in ways that we might initially consider "naughty:"

1. Children eagerly follow our example or the example of others

As shown in my story with my son and the mascara, our children mimic us and those they see. That is not because they are trying to be naughty, they are simply learning. Children are like sponges that absorb everything going on around them. Our actions and behaviors are watched and mirrored by our children every day.

When your children copy what you do, stop and recognize it. That does not mean it is okay to get in your mascara and play with whenever they want, as there are boundaries. However, take the time to calmly show and teach them those boundaries instead of reacting to the situation out of anger.

2. Children are naturally curious

Children are naturally curious about the world around them. Curiosity fuels learning. Young children want to test and understand everything around them. They drop food, pound blocks, and throw balls to see what happens. This is how they learn. We as parents need to see their actions for what they are - sheer curiosity.

Psychology researchers Bonawitz, Schijndel, Friel, and Schulz discovered that children's spontaneous curiosity caused them to explore their environment even more, especially the parts that were unfamiliar. They insightfully said, "Curiosity paved the way for learning."

A few months back I found my youngest son taking everything off our piano. "What are you doing?" I asked. (I was trying to maintain composure and not get too bent out of shape.)

"I want to see how the piano works," he calmly responds.

"Oh you mean you are curious about it?" He nods. "Next time you need to ask me first if you want to start moving my things. Now let's take a look inside and see how the sound is made." (He was not moving anything breakable, or we would have had a longer discussion.)

Being aware that curiosity fuels my kids helps me be more patient and understanding.

Nonetheless, we can't let children run wild and wreak havoc in our home or in public all in the name of curiosity. Instead we can set up child friendly areas in our homes, so they can explore and be curious.

Sadly, if all we do is stop our children and correct them or take things away, their curiosity slowly dies. Gradually the desire to learn fades with it (which causes other problems in school, but that is another topic for another article).

3. Children do not know how to verbally communicate their physical or emotional needs

Children have basic physical and emotional needs. They need to feel safe, fed, rested, loved and connected. When a basic need is missing, fear and uncertainty take over. They act out in ways we might label as "naughty" when in fact they are simply trying to get their needs met and do not know how to properly express it.

Instead of viewing our kids as "naughty" we need to teach them about their physical and emotional needs and help them build a vocabulary to express them. This takes time and practice. When they are small and still learning to talk, we help meet those needs for them. As they grow and mature, we teach them how to meet those needs on their own.

Let's stop thinking of our children as "naughty." Let's see them for who they are and look deeper to discover "why" they behave a certain way. Then our hearts will open with understanding and patience will be our guide as our special parent/child relationship is fortified with love and trust.

If some of this information is new to you take heart, continue learning, and steadily improve every day; that is what life and parenting is all about.

This article was originally published on Parenting Brilliantly. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 3 motives behind your children’s naughty behavior appeared first on FamilyToday.

I push open the door and peer inside my son's bedroom. He is still reading.

"Do you want back tickles?" I ask.

His smile stretches from ear to ear. "Yes, please," he replies.

I sit next to him as he clicks off his light. My fingers massage up and down his back. I look at the curls on the back of his head and sigh. He has grown so much, and with each heart beat I feel my love for him pulsate through my chest.

"How was your day?" I inquire.

"It was alright," he replies back.

We lay there in silence for a time.

"Anything difficult happen today?"

"Not so much," he answers back. Silence. I shift my weight onto my other arm. I am trying to focus on the moment and enjoy our time together. At times like these, my mind often wanders from thinking about my to-do list to pondering random events from the day.

"Focus Damara, focus!" I direct my brain. "Stay in the present."

"Hmmm, I wonder what is happening in his life. I would really like to be a part of it. I hope he invites me in. What can I do?" I silently pray. A quiet thought flashes to my mind: "Tell him you love spending time with him and then just listen."

"I can do that." I lay there grateful that God so willingly and lovingly helps me as a parent.

"I love spending time with you," I whisper.

"Thanks, Mom." Again, silence. The quiet is starting to unnerve me and my brain is wandering to the things I need to finish before I can go to bed.

"Actually there is this boy in PE that other kids pick on," he starts.

"Oh goodie, a problem I can help him with," I think, and smile inwardly.

The quiet voice prods, "Just listen."

"But I can show him how smart I am," I argue back.

"You want to strengthen your relationship; just listen," it says again.

He shares his story and I patiently listen, biting my tongue. His body relaxes and he continues. There are moments during his tale when I want to offer my help and words of wisdom, but I manage to stop myself. When he finishes his story of sadness and struggle, again I want to offer my help, but force myself to stop.

"Thanks for listening, Mom," he says as he gives me a hug. The current of connection feels magical. He just needed my listening ear — that is all.

As I get up to leave his room I feel like I am walking on air. I gave a quick prayer of gratitude for the heavenly direction and for the fact that I didn't spoil it.

As I walk down the hall to my room, my heart surges with love. This thought pours into my mind: "That is the greatest gift you can give him — loving attentive listening."

I commit inwardly to work on that.

It is difficult listening to our children's sadness and struggles. We take their pain and make it ours, then quickly want to fix it to make it all go away. As parents, we also love sharing our stories and giving our children advice. However, many times they need our loving, attentive and listening ears more than they need our advice. This is the supreme gift we can give children of any age, but especially our teenagers. And the big bonus is, it doesn't cost us a cent.

I am not saying that we shouldn't help our children. But there are times when they just need to share with us what is going on. If there is a safety issue then the problem needs to be discussed immediately. Otherwise, if the situation is safe, let them think through it for a day or two, then follow up about how it is going. Maybe the problem worked its way out; or maybe they are willing to accept some help at that point.

Often we buy our children expensive gifts as a token of our love; however, the gift of loving attentive listening sends the message, "You are most important to me right now. You have my undivided attention." It shows your children through your actions that you love them and connects you while strengthening your cherished, sweet relationship.

Children are more willing to open up if you are not staring them in the face. Our facial expressions may cause them to quickly clam up for fear of judgement. My son had his back to me as he shared his story. Being side by side in a car also works well.

• Tell your child, "I enjoy spending time with you. I love hearing what you have to say."

• Ask, "Did anything hard happen today?"

• If they start sharing something, don't interrupt them. Just listen and nod.

• When they are finished, give them a hug and say, "Thank you for sharing with me. I know you can handle this."

These comments infuse them with confidence and love.

Keep in mind our brains like to trick us. It will say listening to our kids is going to take "too long" or "you don't have time for that." That simply is not true. I spent a total of10 minutes with my son. Ten precious minutes or even less is all it takes. Give your children the No. 1 gift you can — yourself.

I invite you to give it a try and see what happens.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on parentingbrilliantly.com. It has been republished here with permission._

The post The No. 1 gift I gave my teenage son and it was free appeared first on FamilyToday.

My eyebrows turn in as I glare at my son. "Why are you wearing those? It is way too hot outside," I say. He is lovingly wearing his favorite knee-high sports socks on a sweltering 100-degree day.

"But I like these socks," he retorts.

I place my hands firmly on my hips and brace for the imminent argument. "You can't wear those; you will roast today at summer camp."

"But I want to wear them," he whines.

"Go put your other socks on. Now. Scoot!" I order. My annoyance is growing exponentially. "Why won't he listen to me?" I wonder. "I know what I am talking about."

I quiet my thoughts.

"Calm down Damara, you know how to speak respectfully. Don't shame him because he likes to wear those socks," I then think to myself.

Sometimes I find myself critically judging my children's choices. Sadly, when this happens, without even realizing it, my statements can cause negative internal feelings. Fortunately, I've become aware of the powerful influence my words and body language have on my children.

I recently read in Brene Brown's book "Daring Greatly," that "Shame is so painful for children because it is inextricably linked to the fear of being unlovable." My eyes were opened to this simple truth. Name-calling, criticizing and being judgmental towards our children opens the door to feelings of shame. We unknowingly cause them to think, "I am a bad person. I am unlovable. I don't matter."

I realized that stopping this vicious cycle starts with me. Yes, my children require reasonable rules and boundaries, but I must be aware of the effects my words and body language have on them.

As parents, our foremost goal is taking personal responsibility for our actions and communications with our children. This starts with being aware. Here are three ways of communicating with our children that can accidentally shame them.

Critical remarks

When we criticize our children and belittle their personal choices, we shame them. We send the message "You are incapable, unintelligent or just plain stupid." Some examples of critical remarks are:

• "What is wrong with you?"

• "I can't believe you just did that."

• "What were you thinking?"

Sometimes we are baffled by our children's actions (such as my son wearing long, hot socks in 100-degree weather). But instead of shamelessly criticizing their choices, we need to first acknowledge their point of view by validating them. Follow up by asking, "Can I share something I feel is very important?" And then calmly and respectfully share your point of view.

Let's return to my story:

I look at my son's sagging shoulders as he walks away from me. "I see how much you love those socks," I call out. He turns. "Can I share something I feel is very important?" I ask. He nods. "It is going to be really hot today. What other pair of socks can you wear that will help you stay cooler?" He still insists on wearing his socks so I say, "You can wear them. Please put a pair of short socks in your backpack in case you get too hot." The next morning I remind him of the heat and he agrees it is best to wear his shorter ankle socks.

Wow! He successfully learned from his personal experience without shameful criticism from me.

Harsh tone of voice

Children lack internal filters. Life is new and fresh to them. When we speak with harsh tones and angry facial expressions, this too can shame them.

This causes our children to think, "Wow, I must be a really bad boy if mom is glaring while harshly speaking to me." We want our children to improve and we need them to be cooperative; however, speaking to them harshly with mean looks can fuel shame.

Yes, at times you need to be firm, but even that can be done with a calm, respectful voice.

Laughing at them

Children love having fun and find humor in many situations. When my son walked down the stairs wearing those long socks, I could have laughed out loud at the absurdity of his choice. However, that would have flung open the door to shame and humiliation.

Resist laughing at your children. Lovingly speak to them so they feel empowered and know they are worthwhile individuals.

Parenting is tricky

You may have been shamed as a child and do not know how to stop the vicious cycle. Start by asking yourself these questions: "Am I the adult that I want my children to be?" "Do I treat my children with the love and respect I need and appreciate?" "Do my children know they are lovable, worthwhile individuals?" Consider these questions. If they prick you in an area where you can improve, dive in with courage and love as your guide.

Your children are watching you. They learn much from who you are. May we all become more aware as parents and steadily improve each day!

If you find this article insightful and want to help shed light on shame, feel free to share it with your friends and family.

Editors note: This article was previously published on Parentingbrilliantly.com. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 3 ways you’re unknowingly shaming your kids appeared first on FamilyToday.

"Can I stay up and sleep here?" he asks. His big, round puppy-dog eyes beg as they look up at me. His smile reaches from ear to ear.

Oh how I love his sweet face. I smile back, "Not tonight; you have school tomorrow," I quickly explain.

"I will go to sleep," he argues.

"He is going to battle you over this," jeers the negative voice in my head. "This is going to turn out badly."

I push the sabotaging voice aside.

"Close, quiet, connect," I repeat to myself. This is my new parenting mantra. I inhale deeply, filling my lungs to max capacity and settle in close beside him on the couch.

"It's time to go to bed honey," I say in a calm, hushed tone.

I place my hand under his elbow lifting him off the couch. He darts for the staircase and up the steps. My feet ache so I slowly follow behind.

As I approach the upper landing, I glance toward my son's room — darkness. "Where did he go?" I ask myself. The muscles in my shoulder tighten up.

"He is teasing you when he should be getting ready for bed," laughs the dark voice of Gloom and Dread.

"I can do this. Come on Damara; you know what to do. Don't listen to that negative voice," I reason. I step into his room. "Andrew," I yell.

Silence.

"Andrew, where are you?"

A quiet chuckle vibrates from behind his door and a smiling face pops into sight.

"Tell him off," pipes the dark voice.

"Look at his smiling face; he thinks this is fun; don't crush him," I retort back.

I approach him, my lips slightly upturned. "Andrew, bedtime is not silly time," I share. "There are other times of day we can be silly; bedtime is not one of them. I see you are having fun. Please go shower so you can get to bed."

He walks to his dresser and pulls the top drawer open. He painstakingly looks at his pajamas. "He is going to take forever," screams the negative voice. I slowly inhale, filling every corner of my lungs with oxygen and then exhale. He picks a pair. Shew! My muscles relax.

He strolls to the shower. I am tempted to say, "Hurry up," but bite my tongue.

"Crisis diverted," I cheer inwardly.

When I pay attention to the dark voice, I often say something I regret (that has happened too often). "Wow, I am so glad I kept it in check tonight," I reflect.

My mind flashes back to the scenes from the night before. When my son resisted, I listened to the dark voice. As anger and frustration grew, my voice increased in volume.

The result? My son dug in his heels - the Battle Royale had officially begun.

As I stood in my son's room contemplating the stark difference between these two interactions, it was ... shocking.

"I want more moments like tonight," I resolutely decide.

I have found over time that these three adjustments in my parenting approach help bedtime go smoother:

Close, quiet, connect

Try saying this mantra over and over as a quick reminder. It is difficult for children to transition to bedtime. To communicate with our children we need to first get close to them so they feel a connection. Being close helps us resist the urge to raise our voice. We quietly tell them what they need to do. Placing a soft hand on them or giving them a quick reassuring hug strengthens the connection. When children feel calmed, they more happily cooperate.

Remember your child's point of view

Life is an adventure to children. Try to remember this and view life from their perspective. Empathize with them so they know you understand how they feel. Say, "I see you are feeling silly; this is not the time for it. You can be silly tomorrow."

Teach the value

Children need to understand the importance of sleep and how it recharges their bodies, helps them grow and keeps them healthy. Possibly share a story about a child who had no energy to do the things he enjoyed because of his lack of sleep. Children love stories. Stories help them understand the importance of sleep.

Bedtime can feel like WW III. I have found when I stay calm, ignore the negative voice, and use these effective strategies, bedtime flows much more smoothly.

Evaluate how you interact with your children at bedtime. Try a few of the suggestions listed here. Improving behavior starts with us — the parents. Our children will follow our lead. Remember the mantra: "Close, quiet, connect." We can do it!

This article was orginally published on parentingbrilliantly.com. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 3 ways to survive exhausting bedtime battles appeared first on FamilyToday.

After nine months of being pregnant, the dawn broke clear and beautiful. I cradled my wee babe (if you can call 8 pounds, 4 ounces "wee") in my arms. A flood of emotions broke through me like water bursting through a dam that could not be stopped. Love, panic, excitement, nervousness, exhaustion and joy washed through my heart and soul. "How could one person feel so many emotions in one single moment?" I gasped.

After a few days of hospital food (yuck) and air-conditioned gowns (double yuck), I was ecstatic when my doctor signed our release. My husband and I were thrilled as we drove home. Once we were situated, my husband looked at me with a blank expression: "Now what?" he asked. Reality hit us - like a brick wall.

"They actually let us leave the hospital with our newborn and think we are capable," I moaned.

Franticly, we searched through the free hospital pamphlets. Unfortunately, they hadn't provided a baby user manual. We felt humbled, lacking and unprepared for the adventures of being parents (from what I've heard, most parents feel this way).

After being a parent for 16 years and studying effective parenting techniques, I have discovered parenting insights I wish I had known on that frantic day.

Breathe, relax, rest, bond and enjoy

Simplify your life.

Sleep when your baby is sleeping

Hopefully your husband has one-two weeks off work to help you rest. Your body needs time to heal.

Babies cry because they are in distress,

they are never trying to upset you. It is stressful when babies cry and are inconsolable. Try holding your wee one in different positions and make sure they are burped and changed. Babies cry because they are hungry, uncomfortable, wet or need connection. If you have a medical concern, see your baby's pediatrician immediately.

When you respond to your newborn's needs,

you are teaching your baby to trust. This is a foundational developmental stage for them.

Bond with your infant

and enjoy quiet restful time together for the first few weeks. Do not rush to show off your adorable baby to the world. Your little one needs a chance to bond with you and not be exposed to the germs of the world.

Set healthy boundaries

If someone asks you to do something, it is OK to say "No, I can't do that right now." You do not need additional stress in your life.

Get the support you need

If you are struggling, ask for help. Other moms know what you are going through. Asking for help does not mean you are incapable or lacking in any way.

Put away the super cape

In fact, bury the super cape in the bottom of a closet. You may want to do and be everything, but that is not your job right now. Be real about your situation, ask your husband to make dinner and help with cleaning. Do not think you can do it all.

It is going to be an emotional rollercoaster ride

There is nothing quite as up-and-down as the emotions of a woman who has recently given birth. You are not crazy, and it is OK to feel this way.

Pacifiers help a baby manage their emotions

(Yes, babies have feelings too.) If your newborn will take a pacifier, count your blessings.

Stop planning your child's future

Of course you have dreams, but focus on today. Relish the time while they are small. Oh, how quickly they grow.

Get some fresh air

After being in the hospital and feeling cooped up, spend some time outside. The fresh air and sunshine can brighten your day.

Being a first-time mom is overwhelming. You are experiencing uncharted territory. Following these 12 tips will help you enjoy this new stage in your life with your wee precious baby. Enjoy!

The post 12 tips you may not know as a first-time mom appeared first on FamilyToday.