Know family members' personality types

There are many tests out there, like Myers-Briggs or Personal Perofile System, that can help us better understand the personalities of our family members and what motivates their actions. Whether a person is good at cooperating or likes to control things, understanding the personality types in our family will help us understand the different strengths and weaknesses each family member brings to the table.

By understanding all the different behavior patterns you can adapt to communicate your vision to the person you are talking to. When working on a project together it is important to assign to each individual what they enjoy doing. When someone does something he enjoys, he will finish the task in a timely fashion, as opposed to procrastinating.

When you work together as a group, ask someone what they would enjoy doing, rather than just assigning them a project. Parents often know their own children's personalities. By assigning a chore to each child based on what he or she enjoys doing, as opposed to what they don't enjoy doing, you teach your child to appreciate his own strengths and to learn more about himself and how he fits into the world.

Let strengths and weaknesses compliment, not conflict

Conflict within the family often occurs when one or more behavior patterns conflict with each other. This is where it is important to understand how to communicate effectively because you want to support each other. In a relationship, as a couple often gets to know each other, they learn each other's strengths and weaknesses. They learn to support each other's career choices and help each other make the right decisions.

Different behavior patterns can complement each other and work together to the betterment of the family. For instance, Bill Clinton was very verbal and charismatic, while Hillary Clinton has a very dominant behavior pattern and was influential in helping him reach his goals in his career. Without each other, he may never have been president and she may not have had the opportunity to become Secretary of State. This is why their marriage has sustained over the years in all its ups and downs.

By building and learning about each other in the relationship - whether it be your siblings, your spouse or your children - then you can learn to help each other achieve goals based on strengths. Don't constantly bring up weaknesses. Each of us is unique and fits into the world we live. As a parent, you should encourage your children to do what they enjoy doing, whether it be writing, becoming a business owner or even digging ditches.

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Employment

If you are looking for gainful employment in today's marketplace, you need to learn to think outside of the box when setting up a strategy.

• Talk to people you know in your church because they may know of job openings.

• Look on the Internet for business opportunities because in today's marketplace we are a global economy and more and more people work from home for corporations or companies some way from where they live.

• Once you have an idea of what kind of business you want to be in, find a mentor and he will keep you on target to build your career.

Relationships

Just like anything else you have to have a strategy for building strong relationships, whether it is at work or personally.

• Communication seems to be the biggest obstacle in building a strong relationship, therefore, that should be the first action step is to learn to communicate effectively.

• Each family member has his own personality, therefore, you need to understand that personality because what you say to one person may sound like constructive criticism, whereas to someone else, it may sound overbearing and negative.

Not only is this important in personal relationships, but it is also important in the workplace, especially when you have to work together for a common goal on a project.

Education

Having a good education in today's marketplace, may not seem important to a child, but as an adult you recognize its importance. Education doesn't always end when you graduate from high school, college or even get a post graduate degree. Technology is always changing, therefore, your knowledge and education are continuing throughout your life.

• Take online classes, webinars by experts in a field or continuing education classes at night from your local high school or college.

It is up to you to decide what changes need to be made in your lifestyle and then put together a strategy on how to make these changes in your life.

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Family dynamics

Each family member has a role they play in the family. For instance, when there is a good relationship between each member of the family, they complement each other. In a dysfunctional family there is a breakdown in the dynamics of the family. Over time, each family member tends to learn their role within the family. If there is a breakdown in your family, you do not support each other or tend to blame one another for your problems.

If this is the case, then first sit down around the family table and discuss what it would take to improve the relationship each family member has with the other. Try to find out from each family member why they act the way they do. As a parent, you might need to understand that your child often mimics your behavior and you might need to learn a better means of communication rather than just constantly criticizing your spouse or your children.

Instead of constantly criticizing, why not help each other in coming up with solutions to a problem. Often when a child is young, it is understandable that the parent tends to be dictatorial. As the child grows older, why not learn how to speak to him as an equal and reason out solutions with which each party is satisfied.

Good Communication

All people are not the same. A strategy that works very effectively with one person may be disastrous with another. If an individual has a dominant personality they often like to control every situation they are in. An individual with an inspirational or communicative style tends to be very verbal. A person with a steadiness behavioral style is someone that does things by the book. A person with a conscientiousness behavioral pattern is one that questions everything. When you understand why each individual responds in the way she does, then you can adapt your behavioral style to communicate in a way with each family member that shows respect without being overbearing.

You should often review and think about ways to create a positive relationship with each member of the family without creating conflicts. Each behavioral style handles conflict differently, decision-making differently, managing time differently, and problems differently.

Unless you relate to each other in a way that shows respect for one another's feelings and behavioral styles, then you cause unnecessary problems. The following are some questions you should ask family members so you can help one another:

1. What would be the most effective way of communicating with you to show that we support you?

2. What are your decision making tendencies?

3. How can we help you manage your time better?

4. What process do you use in solving problems?

What this shows is mutual respect for each other's feelings. It builds a healthy relationship between family members when you understand why each member responds or acts the way he does. It also allows you to make constructive criticism to a family member in a respectful manner.

Mutual Respect

Before someone can learn to respect someone else they first have to learn how to love themselves. The healthiest relationships are when someone thinks to herself, "I'm OK, you're OK." The unhealthy types of relationships are. "I'm OK, you're not OK," and "I'm not OK, you're OK." The worst relationship is, "I'm not OK, you're not OK."

The image you have of yourself as an adult often is formed by the relationship you had with your parents. If they were highly critical then you formed the message that they would giving you as, "You're not OK." If they were supportive and encouraging then you often received the message, "You're OK." These messages that we receive from our parents from the way they communicate with us as children, influence the way we learn to communicate with our peers, our spouse and our children.

To change the way you communicate with your family, you can attend self-help groups in your church, at your community mental health center, or groups posted on community bulletin boards. When someone feels bad about themselves and they don't know how to handle the situation in a healthy manner they may also turn to drugs and alcohol, which creates another set of problems. Where possible, it is important that all members of the family attend together.

These are just some suggestions to consider to make good positive changes in your life and your family.

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Some fears are unfounded because they are irrational fears. Irrational fears can paralyze you because you don't always have a reason behind the fear. For instance, if a parent fears thunderstorms and lightning from a personal experience, then it's understandable why they have those fears; but they can unknowingly pass along those fears to their children who have no reason for those fears.

Here is a list of common fears and how to conquer them.

Fear of success

When someone fears success, he may fail to take the steps necessary to reach his goals. This could easily be based on an unfounded fear. Often the best way to overcome this fear is to set up a plan or strategy to reach your goal of success, whether it be personal or business. Another way to overcome the fear of success is to have a mentor who you can work on a strategy with. She can keep you accountable for working on overcoming that fear.

Fear of speaking

Fear of speaking is one of the most common fears. Yet, it is something that everyone must overcome if they want to build their own business or move into management with a corporation. One way to learn to overcome this fear is to take part in Toastmasters. Individuals learn to speak extemporaneously and work toward a Toastmasters certification by giving 10 speeches.

The first speech is usually a three minute speech where the individual tells something about himself just to get comfortable speaking in front of a group. With each successive speech, an individual learns to incorporate both his body and descriptive words to any topic, along with increasing the time of a speech until he feels comfortable giving a 20 minute speech.

Social anxiety

If someone is extremely shy she will have trouble interacting with people outside the family. There are several reasons for this. It could be a natural part of her personality or it could be due to being bullied or abused. In this case, counseling or coaching can be used to help someone overcome her shyness or anxiety by practicing different exercises that teach an individual to learn to feel comfortable when relating to someone outside her family.

Fear of illness

This can easily be defined as an unfounded fear although for some it can be based in real experiences. If someone was sickly as a child it's understandable why he would fear illness. Others, through being bombarded on the news about diseases and their causes, may become a hypochondriac and will manifest an illness even if they're not ill. Often, education about these diseases and their onset, or giving the fearful individual an opportunity to understand why he fears illness will help him overcome these fears.

It's important to overcome these paralyzing fears so that you can move forward with your life and reach your goals.

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Some ways you can determine whether someone has an addictive behavior

A addicted person becomes obsessed with an object that he constantly thinks about, an activity that he repeats over and over or substance abuse whether it be drugs or alcohol.

The person seeks out and engages in behavior even though he knows it is causing harm to himself or to someone close to him.

The person compulsively engages in an activity even when she doesn't want to because she can't stop herself. When she stops this behavior, she exhibits symptoms such as irritability, cravings, restlessness and depression.

An addicted person denies he has problems with his addictive behavior and cannot stop himself or even recognize the negative effects it has on him and the people around him.

An addicted person often hides this behavior even though the people around her are aware of what she's doing and start pointing it out to her.

People with addictive behavior often suffer from depression.

It is common for someone who grows up in a home where there is physical abuse or substance abuse to follow in his or her parent's footsteps and continue this pattern of behavior with a spouse or child.

Some addictive behaviors an individual may exhibit are

• Exercise

• Shopping

• Eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, or compulsive eating

• Gambling

• Pornography

• Substance abuse

• Physical abuse

Following are some suggestions of ways you can change an addictive behavior

1. In order to break the cycle seek out support groups such as AA or Al-Anon where you can talk about your feelings among people who have similar experiences.

2. Learn how to break the cycle by learning alternative behaviors such as loving yourself as you are, not putting undue expectations on yourself and changing the way you communicate with your children or spouse without being abusive.

3. Participate in sports or active hobbies instead of going to the places where you frequent that feed into your addictions.

4. Contact a college that offers continuing education classes that you can take to improve your communication skills with your spouse or child to improve your relationship with them.

5. Attend counseling where you can learn why you respond the way you do in a given situation and how to change your behavior.

6. Attend group therapy with your family where each of you can openly talk about your feelings in a supportive environment so you can improve your relationship with one another.

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1. Focus on what's important

You first need to step back, calm yourself down and then look at the situation rationally. Once you do this, it is easier to make decisions without being paralyzed. When we are under stress, all our education and knowledge on handling a tough situation goes out the door. Once you are able to calmly assess the situation, you can more easily handle the crisis you are under. We all know how to handle the situation calmly when we imagine being in a car accident (what needs to be done first, who to call, etc.), but often when you are in the middle of an accident situation, you don't always think of what you need to do first, second, or third in a calm fashion.

2. Have a support system

When you have a support system, or people you can call on when you are in crisis, they can help you get out of the situation. One crisis someone can be in that they need a support system for is homelessness. In many cases, if there is no family available to contact or they refuse to help you, there are agencies you can turn to.

3. Learn to reduce stress

Often we put undue stress on ourselves by being fearful of the unknown and creating a crisis where there really is none. Planning ahead for a possible crisis can reduce stress in your life.

Often people will find themselves having unfounded fears over their financial situation. The best way to reduce their stress is to learn how to manage their money. We don't always think about setting up a savings for emergencies like a water heater, or conditioner breaking down. But, by setting up a savings for emergencies, you have funds available so you don't have to find yourself under stress when an emergency occurs.

Because unemployment is a big issue for many people, there are some things to think about before a job crisis. Make sure you are aware of what is going on in the industry you work in. Look for other options to generate income before you lose your job. Also learn how you can translate your skills from one field of employment to another field of employment where there is an abundance of jobs.

4. Process your feelings

In many situations when we are in a crisis, we let our emotions take control and paralyze us. The best way to handle our emotions is to sit still, take a deep breath and then look at the situation and set up a strategy to handle the crisis. Look within yourself and calmly think about how you have handled that same situation in the past or think about what you have read about how to handle a similar crisis if it is a crisis that you've never experienced before.

5. Take care of yourself

Often when we are taking care of everyone else, we don't think about taking care of ourselves. Therefore, we may forget to eat, exercise, or just generally take care of our health. When we find ourselves in crisis, we may be feeling weak and paralyzing ourselves with unhealthy habits. There are many things you need to do to take care of yourself - not only healthy living or fitness, but associating with people who support you and you know you can call on when you find yourself in a crisis.

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Just like the individual with a disability has to adjust to being disabled, so does the spouse and any other family member - especially if they are the main caregiver. Just like there is AA for alcoholics and Al-Anon for family members there are also support groups for family members to help them help the individual with a disability. This article will focus on those services to help the spouse help their significant other live with a disability.

Financial Assistance

When a family member becomes disabled and is unable to work then they qualify for Social Security Disability Insurance (SSD I). As the spouse, it may fall on your shoulders to follow through and make sure that all the paperwork is in place to guarantee benefits.

Veterans Benefits

If your spouse was a veteran, then you will need to file for these benefits separately from Social Security.

Medical Assistance

If your spouse was disabled on the job, while they are in the hospital seek out the social worker on staff. He can assist you in applying for nursing care and other assistance so you are not caring for your disabled spouse 24/7 without a break.

Rehabilitation Services

When someone becomes disabled and a can no longer perform the job she held previously, workers comp can help. Workers comp can not only provide financial assistance for medical care, but also financial assistance so the individual can get re-trained in a different job. Then they can go back to work once the medical crisis is over.

Support Groups

It is also recommended that as the spouse of a disabled person you seek out support groups with spouses who are experiencing similar issues. This is important because someone else in the group can provide the support needed in handling any situation that arises because they may have also experienced a similar problem in their home. If your spouse suffered a severe head injury in a car accident or a spinal cord injury where they are unable to walk or take care of any of their needs, ask the hospital where they were treated to help you find a support group that meets your specific needs.

Family Members

Other family members such as children, your brothers and sisters or in-laws should also be a source of support, whether it is to give you a break so you can have some downtime or just a listening ear when you need it.

In many cases, it is important for both of you as a couple to work on any issues that have been caused by the disability. You may have a preconceived expectation of what assistance a disabled individual needs, but that may not be what they really need. By setting up an open line of communication, you will avoid any problems before they occur. It may be necessary to seek out a therapist that can help you as a couple improve how you communicate with each other to avoid these issues before they come up.

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Here are some things to consider doing as a family to help your children learn to set goals for themselves at different stages of their development. As young adults, they can learn to make the right decisions for themselves.

When setting goals for your children make sure they're age-appropriate.

Behavioral Goals

Younger children don't always know how to share their toys. Parents can use the same system to teach their children to share their toys and also develop good socialization skills. This can start in preschool and continue on until the child enters kindergarten and first grade. One way to teach children to share their toys may be to set up some type of reward system. First you need to find out what it is that they really want and use that as a reward when the child exhibits appropriate behavior. It may be as simple as a hug and a kiss.

Socialization Goals

Peers afford preschoolers some of their most exciting, fun experiences. Not having friends or playmates can be frustrating, even painful, for young children. Teaching preschoolers socialization skills may mean nothing more than taking them to the park where they can play with other children the same age, or they can learn to play with animals without hurting the animal.

Educational Goals

Remember not to compare your children to one another in learning skills because every child learns differently. The challenge here is to teach children how to make learning fun. At every grade level, the challenge is different. The challenge here is to not only keep him interested in class, but also allow them to participate in group sports (if they so choose) as a reward. Once children reach high school, they often enjoyed participating in afterschool programs or spend time with friends. Use this as a reward system for their setting and achieving goals in the classroom.

Financial Goals

The purpose of an allowance is to teach children at a young age some financial responsibility. This can be achieved by giving your children chores to do around the house which they will be paid for at the end of the week. This gives them some responsibility and helps them understand that nothing is free in life, and you often have to work for it. A two-year-old likes to help mother in the kitchen. Why not start there? As they get older, give them more responsibility to help around the house.

Employment

Giving a child responsibility in the home and rewarding them with an allowance helps prepare them for the workplace. As the child matures, more responsibility needs to be placed on them. They may want to consider employment. Learning to save money to buy something teaches them skills they will need as they leave home and take on more of the responsibility of paying their bills. It may be nothing more than having them purchase gas for the car every time they use it. This way, as they enter the workforce and they have to take care of bills like rent, utilities, and other expenses, they will be more prepared to budget based on their income. The purpose is to teach the child responsibility and not spend more money than they earn. If they don't learn this early on, they may struggle with debt because they don't know how to manage money effectively.

Setting up five-year plans for your children is an effective way to recognize growth and the need for increased responsibility as a natural part of growth. By setting up a road map now, you can help your children travel in the right direction.

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Here are some things to consider when adjusting the home to meet the needs of someone with a disability:

1. Counters

In the kitchen you may have to adapt counters. They may need to be shorter. Leave an open space so that someone in a wheelchair can move closer to the counter and have room for a wheelchair to maneuver underneath. You will also need to consider making sure there is space available to maneuver a wheelchair in the kitchen.

2. Appliances

Some other objects that can be useful in the kitchen for someone with a disability include an electric can opener, an electric jar opener and food processor for vegetable cutting. When buying a stove, make sure the knobs are in front so the person in a wheelchair can reach them and turn the oven on or the top burners on.

3. Toilets

In the bathroom you should consider having elevated toilet seats. Make sure you have bars by the toilet for someone who lacks balance to hold onto while sitting down or standing up. If you have someone that is in a wheelchair you need to have available a sliding board so you can transfer them from the wheelchair to the toilet.

4. Sinks

Extended levers on the faucet make it easy to turn on and off the water.

5. Bath mats

If the bathroom has a bathtub, then make sure you have a floor length mat with a non-slip backing so it will adhere to the floor to prevent the disabled person from tripping over the mat.

6. Outlets

Arrange the furniture in the room so outlets are easily accessible.

7. Lighting

Make sure your lamps are touchable or react to sound so that the person with the disability can turn lights on and off when no one is around to help them.

8. Phones

Make sure the phone is cordless so the individual can carry it around with them and answer a call when the phone rings.

9. Kitchenware

You can buy silverware with Styrofoam that makes it easier for someone with a disability to hold the utensil and use it while eating. Make sure all the utensils and pots and pans have white surfaces so they do not tip over when being used by someone with a disability.

10. Door handles

Use handles as opposed to knobs so the individual with a disability can open and close doors by themselves without assistance. When buying a refrigerator make sure the handle is either on the left or right hand side depending on the needs of the individual.

11. Doors and walkways

When adapting the home for a wheelchair make sure the doors open wide enough for the wheelchair to go through and halls are uncluttered.

12. For the blind

When adapting a home for someone who is blind make sure he knows the layout and design so he knows which room he has come into and can count the number of doors or handles.

13. For the deaf

When adapting the home to someone who is deaf make sure you will have a TTD - teletype device so the individual can make phone calls for themselves.

14. Doorbells

Connect the doorbell to the lights so they will flash when a phone call comes in or when someone rings the doorbell for someone who is deaf.

15. Showers

Finally, you may want to consider putting in a shower with a built in seat and shower head with a wand that can be lowered so someone can sit down and shower by themselves or roll their wheelchair into the shower easily to bathe themselves.

These are just a few things to consider when adapting a home to meet the needs of someone with a disability. Above all, make sure to ask individuals with a disability what their needs are to adjust the home for them.

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As a child, you learn to do things by repeating them over and over until you do it automatically - like tying a shoe with two hands or walking on two legs. If you lose the use of one of your limbs, you have to relearn how to do the simple tasks like feed yourself or tie your shoes with one hand. With practice, you can relearn these simple tasks, but in the meantime you may need to ask for assistance.

When you are born with a disability, you learn early on to make the ajustments necessary to be independent and take care of yourself. For people who are born able-bodied but become disabled later in life, they often find it more difficult to adjust to living with a disability. Therefore, it is important that there are family support systems in place to help the individual accept who he or she is now.

The value of support groups

When someone is injured in a car accident and left with a spinal cord injury, the hospital where they receive treatment and rehabilitation has support groups and systems to help both the individual and his or her family adjust to the disability. The support system also helps the individual learn to live with the disability and still be independent.

Every disability has an agency available for families with resources available:

American Foundation for the Blind (AFB)

They provide access to the information, technology, education and legal resources that disabled people need to live independent and productive lives. AFB has also designed, manufactured and sold numerous assistive technology products, such as braille writers, magnifiers, and audio blood pressure monitors.

AFB Headquarters 2 Penn Plaza, Suite 1102 New York, NY 10121 Tel: (212) 502-7600 Fax: (888) 545-8331

National Association for the Deaf (NAD)

The advocacy scope of the NAD includes areas of early intervention, education, employment, health care, technology, telecommunications and youth leadership. The NAD also carries out its federal advocacy work through coalition efforts with specialized national deaf and hard of hearing organizations, as well as coalitions representing national cross-disability organizations.

National Association of the Deaf 8630 Fenton Street, Suite 820 Silver Spring, MD 20910

TTY

: 301.587.1789 Voice/VP: 301.587.1788 or 301.328.1443

United Cerebral Palsy (UCP)

Educates, advocates and provides support services to ensure a life without limits for people with a spectrum of disabilities surrounding Cerebral Palsy.

1825 K Street NW, Suite 600 Washington, DC 20006 t. 1.800.872.5827 / 202.776.0406 f. 202.776.0414

National Head Injury Foundation

This agency has local chapters in each state that provides support to families and individuals who have suffered head injuries.

National Spinal Cord Injury Foundation (NSCIA)

Helps people who have spinal cord injuries become independant and improve the quality of their life.

These are just a few agencies that serve those with disabilities.

There always needs to be good communication within a family - especially if one member of the family is disabled. Don't assume that you know what that individual needs, ask first. Find support groups with families that have similar experiences and attend regularly. These groups can help you learn to adapt to lifestyle changes so you don't get overwhelmed. Whether you are dealing with someone who was born with a disability or someone who became disabled later in life, the theory is the same. You need to let that individual tell you how you can help. It is disrespectful to just assume that you know what the person needs. It doesn't matter what the disability is, each individual's needs are different. This is why it's important to ask the individual specifically what he or she needs help with.

If parents accept the child with a disability, it is easier for the siblings to be supportive as well. When the individual has a high self-esteem and self image, it is easy to go out into the world and have good relationships with others. If a disabled person has a low self esteem, he or she may go out into the world with a negative attitude and exibit bad behavior. This could result in negative interactions with other people which perpetuates their low self esteem.

If everyone learns to accept people with disabilities and assist them with integration into society, we would have a much better society all around. We all depend on each other in life, whether you are disabled or not.

Whenever the public hears about a disaster they all rush out to help the victims at that moment. However, people forget that when they're gone, those individuals still have to go on with their lives. Changing peoples' attitudes about disabilities starts in the family and then as family members go out into society, they can help educate the public as well.

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