Rosalind Sedacca – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com Here today, better tomorrow. Fri, 04 Sep 2015 06:25:00 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.8.3 https://wp-media.familytoday.com/2020/03/favicon.ico Rosalind Sedacca – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com 32 32 After the divorce: Are you an active or a reactive parent? https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/after-the-divorce-are-you-an-active-or-a-reactive-parent/ Fri, 04 Sep 2015 06:25:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/after-the-divorce-are-you-an-active-or-a-reactive-parent/ Many divorced parents find themselves in the position of questioning their true motives when faced with parenting decisions. What about…

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Parenting is never easy. The challenges are enormous. Decisions are rarely black and white. How much should you indulge your children? When do you step in on sibling or friend-related battles? How much can you trust other parents watching your child for sleepovers and play dates? How tolerant should you be regarding food and eating issues? When should you step in with discipline? When are you crossing the line with punishment? The questions and decisions are infinite, emotionally challenging and hard to resolve.

All of this is "life as usual" for parents in a traditional marriage. When you add the component of divorce to the mix, the waters are considerably more muddied. And many divorced parents find themselves in the position of questioning their true motives when faced with parenting decisions. What about you? Are your behaviors influenced by your feelings about your former spouse? Are you responding based on your child's best interest - or reacting based on revenge, spite, anger or other "I'll show them "¦" validations for "getting even"?

When your child's well-being is at stake, this is a question you need to reflect upon. Your answer can have serious consequences.

When faced with making decisions about holiday activities, summer vacation, attending the school concert or neighborhood soccer game, are you thinking first about how your child would like things to be? Are you seeing the world from their perspective for a while? Are you basing your decision on creating a win-win outcome for your "family" or trying to wield power over your ex to keep them out of the equation? It's often easy to justify being rude or uncooperative, too tired or too busy to share the kids with their other parent. But are you remembering who is really being hurt by your behavior?

By practicing active rather than reactive parenting after your divorce, you are giving your children the best hope for a happier and more positive future. It's worth the time, the consideration and the awareness about choices you make. And you'll be a better parent in the end.

Written by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, for healthyliving.care.

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4 vital characteristics all healthy relationships have in common https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/4-vital-characteristics-all-healthy-relationships-have-in-common/ Mon, 06 Jul 2015 06:35:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/4-vital-characteristics-all-healthy-relationships-have-in-common/ It takes awareness, flexibility, great communication skills and the ability to understand your partner's perspective to make a relationship work…

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Sadly, celebrity divorces make all the headlines for all the wrong reasons. They showcase the most unconscious behavior, especially when it comes to relationships.

Far too often we find the more shallow celebrities, and those who follow them with star-lit eyes, spend more time working out their wedding details than on determining whether this was a good match from the start. Too many couples think no further than the honeymoon plans when contemplating marriage. They have no idea about the complexity behind real relationship issues and the maturity it takes to create a successful long-term outcome.

Divorced couples learn through hindsight about the challenges two people face when living together week after week, month after month in today's stress-filled world. It takes awareness, flexibility, great communication skills and the ability to understand your partner's perspective to make a relationship work - and that's just for routine life experiences. Throw in accidents, sickness, job loss and other major stressors, not to mention the complexities that come with having children, and it's easy to understand why so many marriages fail and too often end in divorce.

If you're divorced and looking to find a healthier, happier relationship ahead, or marrying for the first time and want to avoid relationship disasters, here are some tips that are worth serious consideration:

  • Know your partner well - during the good times and the bad. It's after you face disagreements, nursing your partner through an illness and other life challenges that you find out who you are really contemplating spending the rest of your life with. If what you discover makes you uncomfortable, have some serious conversations - or move on before making any further commitments.

  • Don't expect to be "completed," "saved," or "fixed." No one can fill the void in your inner self. You're setting your partner up for failure if you expect them to fix your problems and love you through your unresolved issues. Do the inner work on yourself first, perhaps with the support of a therapist or coach. Heal your wounds and neediness. Then seek out another soul who has done the same to partner with you.

  • Be hooked on more than just romance. Happily married couples will tell you that you have to be more than great bedmates to make a real relationship work. Look for common values, goals, beliefs and interests. Opposites may attract in the short-term, but you want a marriage based on respect and sharing a future together. If your core values and interests are not in alignment, you're facing a tougher road ahead.

  • Be your authentic self - and don't change for a partner's approval. You can't fake your way through a marriage. If you hate sports, the Internet or pets, state it up front and find a mate who loves you knowing this reality. It's unfair to hide your true self from your partner and it's a disservice to yourself pretending to be who you are not. It's wise to honor who you are. Then look for a partner with high self-esteem who loves themselves as they are. That's a formula for lasting relationship success!

As too many celebrities discover, money won't buy you a happy marriage. You can't use sensuality as a substitute for good sense. Relationships don't have storybook endings. They require constant attention, the ability to sacrifice and compromise at times, and a heavy dose of respect for the person you brought into your life.

Before setting out in the relationship world, work on your inner demons, let go of the baggage from previous relationships, and take your time in getting to know the special partner you are choosing. There's no magic wand that will make your relationship succeed, but these guidelines will set you on a course that will circumvent a lot of potholes along the road to happily ever after.

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Daddy doesn’t live here anymore: How absentee fathers are affecting our kids https://www.familytoday.com/family/daddy-doesnt-live-here-anymore-how-absentee-fathers-are-affecting-our-kids/ Sat, 04 Jul 2015 06:35:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/daddy-doesnt-live-here-anymore-how-absentee-fathers-are-affecting-our-kids/ Daddy doesn't live here anymore, and the statistics reflecting the negative effect of this arrangement are alarming. Relationships expert, Rosalind…

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Written by Rosalind Sedacca, founder of Child-Centered Divorce Network.

Most of the parents who read my newsletter are strong advocates of Child-Centered Divorce. That means they put the emotional and psychological needs of their children first when making any decisions regarding divorce and parenting. This puts both mothers and fathers on the same side when it comes to their children - as guardians, protectors and parents - not adversaries.

Sadly, not all parents divorce with a focus on compatibility in parenting following the divorce. The stories, like your own, vary widely, but the outcomes are painful for everyone in the family.

Statistics regarding the number of children who are experiencing the consequences of divorce, living life without access to their biological fathers or having infrequent interactions with their fathers are alarming. I'm sharing some of them below not to point fingers, judge or blame. Instead, I want to bring heightened awareness about this to families around the world encouraging parents to do everything possible to avoid falling into this sad reality.

Surveys show concern about this growing problem. According to stats found in an article at www.dads-daughters.com, 72.2 % of the U.S. population believes absentee fathers to be the most significant social problem facing America. That's easy to understand when you look behind the numbers and think about the families that have been impacted.

  1. An estimated 24.7 million children (36.3%) live absent from their biological father.

  2. There are almost 17 million children (25%) living with their single mothers.

  3. Today nearly 4 out of 10 first marriages end in divorce, 60% of divorcing couples have children, and over one million children each year experience the divorce of their parents.

  4. One out of every six children is a stepchild.

  5. 26% of absentee fathers live in a different state than their children.

  6. About 40% of the children who live in absentee father households haven't seen their fathers in at least a year while 50% of children who don't live with their fathers have never stepped foot in their father's home.

  7. Children who live absent from their biological fathers, on average, are more likely to be poor... experience educational, health, emotional and psychological problems ... be victims of child abuse ... and engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological mother and father.

  8. 57.7 percent of all black children, 31.8 percent of all Hispanic children, and 20.9 percent of all white children are living in single-parent homes.

Of course, there's a big difference between fathering a child and being a "father." Children need the influence of a loving, protective and responsible father in their lives. But if that father isn't stepping up to his position, he may be doing more damage than by being absent.

That brings us back to the advantages of maintaining a child-centered divorce. The more we can encourage Mom and Dad to co-parent with care and compassion following a divorce, the better the outcome for everyone in the family. I know this isn't a simple challenge. Not everyone has the maturity and emotional stability to step up to the plate, put differences aside, and parent your children together because you love them unconditionally. But if you can and do - more power to you. You won't regret it!

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Is your ex-spouse ticking you off? Grab a sandwich https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/is-your-ex-spouse-ticking-you-off-grab-a-sandwich/ Wed, 24 Jun 2015 06:31:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/is-your-ex-spouse-ticking-you-off-grab-a-sandwich/ Your divorce may be final, but your anger carries on. How can you prevent a conversation about Bobby's soccer match…

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One of the most challenging and frustrating aspects of being a divorced parent may be getting along with your former spouse. We all understand that parents are parents for life - regardless of whether you are married, separated or divorced. The better you get along with your ex, the easier you make life for you and your children - not only for this month, but for years and decades to come.

It's a safe bet that you and your former spouse are quite good at pushing each other's buttons. It's not difficult to bring one another to a state of anger and then to feel frustration and resentment in return. For that reason, learning how to handle and manage your anger is an excellent and very productive skill to master. Dr. Lyle Becourtney is a licensed psychologist practicing in Rockland County, NY who specializes in the area of anger management. We can all benefit from the wisdom he shares that's applicable to both adults and teens.

"Do you ever find yourself getting more and more angry and frustrated while trying to explain what is bothering you?" Dr. Becourtney asks. Perhaps you feel your former spouse is not really listening to you or trying to understand things from your perspective. "In such circumstances, you may end up raising your voice or becoming verbally or even physically abusive. Unfortunately, responding in this manner usually decreases your chances of being listened to with empathy and compassion," he notes.

"Another maladaptive way of handling your feelings, perhaps out of fear of losing control, is to work extra hard at keeping everything bottled up inside. What happens here," Dr. Becourtney explains, "is similar to what happens when a balloon keeps filling up with more and more air. The balloon will expand as far as it can and then eventually pop."

"However, if the balloon periodically releases some of its air, the likelihood is it will never reach that point of popping," he adds. "Similarly, a person who uses assertive communication will be much less likely to become explosive." One of the eight core anger management techniques that Dr. Becourtney teaches is assertive communication which involves honestly and effectively communicating your feelings in a non-hostile fashion.

Dr. Becourtney says one of the most challenging facets of using assertive communication when you're divorced is expressing your feelings without your ex becoming angry or defensive. "What makes this so difficult," he notes, "is that most people do not like to be criticized." Telling your ex what he did wrong, what you do not like about his behavior, or how he hurt your feelings "can very easily trigger a negative reaction."

One of the most effective ways of using assertive communication, according to Dr. Becourtney, is by using a technique known as the Compliment Sandwich. Here's how it works.

"The meat of the sandwich (your complaint, criticism, or concern) is surrounded by two pieces of bread (compliments or positive feedback). In order to minimize defensiveness, you would begin with a compliment (the first piece of bread), then present the main message that you are trying to communicate (the meat), and then finish with another compliment (the second piece of bread).

To illustrate, here is an example of the Compliment Sandwich:

You have always been a great parent, and Tom really loves you

(first compliment/ positive feedback) So when I heard you promise Tom that you'd be there for the big game on Saturday, I was very surprised and disappointed when you didn't show up. What I need is for you to call me and let me know if you can't honor a promise you make to Tom.(critical feedback) Tom has always been able to count on you in the past and I know you'll be careful about not making commitments to him unless you're sure you can follow through for now on. (second compliment/positive feedback)

"The Compliment Sandwich makes it possible for an important communication to be made in a non-hostile manner", says Dr. Becourtney. "By opening and closing with positive feedback, a friendly tone was set and an important message was able to be conveyed." Rather than aggressively attacking your child's other parent and risk making matters worse (or bottle things up and become potentially explosive) this type of communication allows you to get things off your chest without putting your ex on the defensive.

Dr. Becourtney offers a few key suggestions for using the Compliment Sandwich effectively:

  • It is essential that your praise be genuine. As challenging as it may seem, you should be able to think of at least two things to say that are both complimentary and sincere.

  • Avoid overusing this technique so that your words do not appear to be contrived.

  • Make sure your compliments are in some way be related to the critical message that you are trying to convey. In this way, the conversation flows smoothly and feels genuine.

Learning how to manage anger, especially in divorce relationship issues, is an important component of a creating a healthy, successful child-centered divorce. The payoffs, in terms of harmony, cooperation and peaceful days for your children, make anger management skills worth mastering. You will never regret learning how to diffuse anger and tension in your communication with your child's other parent. I encourage you to give it a try. You can learn more about managing anger from Dr. Becourtney.

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3 signs it’s time to divorce https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/3-signs-its-time-to-divorce/ Mon, 04 May 2015 06:41:01 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/3-signs-its-time-to-divorce/ You've tried everything to fix it. But how can you be sure the decision to divorce is the right one?

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Is it ever right to divorce? Of course, divorce should be avoided whenever possible. It's not a solution to marital problems. Just an escape hatch. If you don't master the art of fair fighting, communication skills, empathy and compassion for the needs of your partner, divorce is not likely to be of value in your life. Chances are you'll move on to another relationship, bringing with you the same unresolved baggage and issues which is destined to lead to new discord with your new partner.

That said, there are signals that divorce might be the best option for a couple. These include:

Irreconcilable disrespect

If one or both partners reach a point of disrespect for their spouse, there is little that can repair that damage. Sound relationships are based on respect. With awareness and work, relationship problems can be healed. But once the glue of mutual respect is gone there is little that can make a marriage work.

Major parenting conflicts

No two parents are in agreement at all times. However, constant fighting and discord around parenting issues hurts everyone in the family, especially the children. In many cases, the family dynamics work more smoothly when there are two parental homes for the children - and reduced conflict around them.

Emotional, verbal or physical abuse

Abusive treatment on any level is a signal the marriage is not serving or supporting your psychological needs. Put downs, threats, sarcasm, fear tactics, control strategies and other behaviors are all signs of abuse. Don't wait for things to escalate to a physical level. Leave as quickly as you can.

You owe it to yourself and your spouse to do everything you can to resolve marital conflict before deciding to divorce. Seeking out professional support is always smart as an objective professional can provide insights that can inject new life into a marriage. However, and that's only IF both parties are on board to give it a chance. Once you've explored all avenues, then you can close the door on your marriage knowing there is no unfinished business left behind.

Of course, if you're a parent, divorce does not end the relationship with your spouse. For the sake of your children, it is important to make every effort to co-parent effectively and give your children the gift of love from both parents whenever possible.

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Children parenting their parents: A dangerous consequence of divorce https://www.familytoday.com/family/children-parenting-their-parents-a-dangerous-consequence-of-divorce/ Thu, 16 Apr 2015 06:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/children-parenting-their-parents-a-dangerous-consequence-of-divorce/ As roles shift during a divorce, some children may find themselves wanting to protect their parents.

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Divorce is tough enough. When children try to protect their parents from its consequences, the parenting moves backward, and the results are devastating. Always be careful of what you share with your children regarding your emotional state during and after your divorce. It can create enormous confusion for your children, along with guilt frustration and despair.

Keep the family roles clear and well-defined

Children who experience their parents divorce are helpless to change the circumstances. But they often try. They want to do something to "fix" the situation, but they haven't a clue how. Sometimes they create solutions that make sense in their young minds but cause greater complications. That's why it's so important for parents to take the emotional burden off the shoulders of their children. Reassure them that Mom and Dad are still their parents and will continue to be there for them with compassion and love. Tell them they need not worry and remind them that none of this is in any way their fault or responsibility.

Don't take sides

Children can be very resourceful in how they behave when they sense either one of their parents is vulnerable or hurting. Often they will side with one parent over the other as a means of support. They may fear that expressing happiness about time spent with one parent can seem like a betrayal of the other. They worry about hurting the feelings of the emotionally weaker parent or experiencing the disapproval of the emotionally stronger parent. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation for the child who feels caught in the middle.

As the adult, be supportive

Parents are not always aware of how children interpret their comments or emotional displays. If a parent confides to a child, they are very lonely when he or she is with their other parent, it frequently creates a need to "protect" the sad parent. So the child may elaborate on the truth by telling you what they think you want to hear. "I miss you, too. I wish I could always be with you. If I didn't have to stay with Mom or Dad, I'd never be there."

These small white lies can grow into larger stories - even outrageous lies - with the intent of protecting one or both parents. It can also become a vehicle for pitting both parents against one another. Children easily sense when they can manipulate their circumstances - and their emotionally vulnerable parents. This becomes even easier and more tempting when the parents are not speaking to one another or co-parenting cooperatively. The result can be devastating for everyone in the family - each pointing the finger at the other in blame.

It's not all about you

When parents are too caught up in their own self-righteous dramas to put their children's needs first, those children have little recourse but to start parenting themselves. The consequences for the children can take many directions: a sense of mistrust of adults, guilt about knowing they are exploiting their circumstances and deep insecurity because their world is no longer safely guided by parental boundaries. The responsibility here must always fall upon the parents - not the innocent children who are trying to cope with an adult made situation beyond their control.

Be honest. Communication is key

Communication is the key to avoiding these complex backward parenting situations. Talk to your children about divorce-related issues as a parent, not a confidant. Remember that your former spouse is also a parent your children love. If your communication with that parent is poor or limited, you are setting your children up for compensating in any way they can - with guilt, frustration, confusion, shame, anger - even revenge - as the motive.

When you accept responsibility for creating a Child-Centered Divorce and co-parent in the best way for your children's well-being, they will feel more secure, stable, loved, protected and supported. That gives them permission to continue being children without bearing the burden of having to parent their parents after divorce.

Do you want your divorce to rob your children of their right to enjoy their childhood? Of course, not. Then understand the serious consequences of backward parenting and communicate mindfully and responsibly when discussing divorce or related family issues with the children you love.

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Are your kids sabotaging your dating life? https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/are-your-kids-sabotaging-your-dating-life/ Wed, 18 Mar 2015 06:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/are-your-kids-sabotaging-your-dating-life/ For many divorced parents, the dating scene is overwhelming enough without your children creating more difficulties.

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Written by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT for the Divorce Support Center.

Dating after divorce can be challenging for many adults who have been out of the market for some time. But it's even more challenging for your children. It's only natural for them to be resistant to any new partner you bring into their lives. And sometimes they can be downright belligerent in preventing you from dating long after your divorce.

No matter how much you love your kids they can represent obstacles to your future love life. Whether your divorce was relatively painless or high conflict, as a parent you don't want to create more emotional pain or trauma for your children. You want to protect them from unnecessary conflict and competition for your attention. When you introduce a new partner, especially one who may be a parental figure in the future, it's not surprising they want to express their feelings, test their power over you, and play games to sabotage your success.

Acting crude and rude

When kids are not ready or comfortable about your dating, there are many things they can do to sabotage your relationships. Remember, timing is important. If you bring a partner home too soon, your children may act out in several ways to show their disapproval and even anger. If they're still hoping you and their other parent will still somehow get back together again, this can accelerate sabotaging behaviors.

Even long after your divorce, children can demonstrate rude or even crude behavior to discourage the new relationship. If they feel threatened by your partner possibly replacing their mom or dad, this can become quite intense and awkward. They want to make your date feel unwelcome and don't care about hurting their feelings in the process.

Pretending illness and pain

Some children play sick as a means to distract you from dating and developing a social life. Right before you're ready to take off, even with a babysitter onboard, they may start crying or complaining of a stomachache or headache to keep you from leaving. If you're at home with a partner they can create other sabotaging behaviors: constant demands for attention, not falling asleep, or unexplained aches and pains to distract you from spending time with your date. Children get a sense of power when they can keep you away from a new love interest.

Comparisons and false compliments

Children are not known for their tact. When it comes to making your new partner feel unwelcome, they use many strategies to get the job done. Often they'll make negative comparisons to their other parent, stating out loud that Mom or Dad is better looking, nicer, smarter, among other things.

They may also make comments about anything that can create discomfort for the new "intruder" - their weight, looks, athletic ability - whatever works at the time. Their goal is to break up the relationship and get you back onboard in focusing exclusively on them - and possibly their other parent.

Children between the ages of 9 and14 seem to show the most resistance to new parental relationships after divorce. They need time as well as your patience. Most important, they need the security of knowing how much you love them. Be honest about the fact that you want to date, meet other people and develop a happy relationship with someone new. They're looking for safety and stability after having gone through the divorce experience with you. The more secure they feel, the more easily they will accept your moving on. Take it slowly, and don't be impatient with the process of acceptance.

Also be aware that the more their other parent is in their lives, the easier it is for them to accept another partner in your life. Remind them no one will ever replace their mom or dad. Your new partner will be there to enhance your happiness and add to their life, but not take the place of the other parent they love.

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10 biggest mistakes in post-divorce parenting https://www.familytoday.com/family/10-biggest-mistakes-in-post-divorce-parenting/ Wed, 28 Jan 2015 21:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/10-biggest-mistakes-in-post-divorce-parenting/ Some parents think once they are divorced and most of the decisions have been made, the worst is behind them.…

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Written by Rosalind Sedacca, a divorce & parenting coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network.

Once the divorce is final, your future success as post-divorce parents depends on the decisions you make, your attitude toward your situation and your compassion for your innocent children.

You may have heard it all before, but smart parents quiz themselves regularly to see if they are not falling into some of the traps of destructive post-divorce parenting. If you find yourself making any of these mistakes, it's never too late to make amends. You may have to alter decisions, change some behaviors, give yourself an attitude adjustment and even apologize to your children - or to their other parent.

Keep in mind, we all make mistakes that we regret. It's part of the learning process - especially when we're parents. It's far better to set the course straight today than to reap the consequences years from now when your adult children ask, "Mom (or Dad), what were you thinking?"

Professionals all agree these are some of the most emotionally damaging mistakes for children that parents make when coping with divorce or separation.

Fighting around your children

- even on the phone or in another room, if they can hear you. It does more damage than you can imagine.

Asking your children to bear the weight of making decisions or choosing sides

It fills them with guilt, hurt, anxiety and confusion. Make decisions for them so they don't feel responsible.

Failing to remind your children that none of this is in any way their fault

Kids tend to blame themselves for your problems unless you tell them differently.

Forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will always be their Mom and Dad

and always continue to love them - even after the divorce. Fear of losing Mom or Dad is an enormous emotional burden.

Confiding adult details to children

in order to attract their allegiance, sympathy or emotional support. Save that for adult friends and therapists.

Disparaging, putting down or in any way disrespecting their other parent -

regardless how justified or tempting - because it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children.

Alienating or keeping your children from having an ongoing loving relationship with their other parent

(for your own selfish reasons.) Often they'll resent you for this when they are grown.

Asking your children to spy,

act as messengers between both parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent's home life. Let them enjoy their childhood without adult responsibilities on their shoulders.

Lying to your children

in order to manipulate their attention or sympathy. This is selfish and hurtful. They'll resent you for it when they're adults.

Getting back at your ex by making decisions aimed at hurting them

- even though your children will pay the emotional price (such as moving a great distance away, not inviting your ex to a graduation or other important occasion, punishing them for financial problems by limiting visitation among other things).

All of these behaviors are bound to backfire on you. If not immediately, then down the line as your children grow and understand more about the world. A good question to keep in mind when making all decisions about your children is: What will my kids say to me about how I handled the divorce when they are adults?

You and your children can survive and even thrive after divorce. Think before you leap and give your children the best possible opportunity to face the changes ahead by providing them with security, compassion and love.

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Divorcing parents: Think twice before going to court https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/divorcing-parents-think-twice-before-going-to-court/ Mon, 05 Jan 2015 16:00:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/divorcing-parents-think-twice-before-going-to-court/ When it seems divorce is the final solution, many divorcing couples believe taking their matters to court is the only…

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When famous celebrities like Mel Gibson, Denise Richards, Halle Berry and others battle through a divorce, the stakes are high. Millions of dollars are often in contention, blurring issues related to child-custody and visitation. These couples hire killer attorneys and commit to paying an enormous price, which includes not only hefty legal fees, but a tremendous time expenditure and emotional toll.

Too many non-celebrity couples facing divorce blindly choose this same path - often without considering the reality of all the costs involved. They do not have the revenue to maintain ongoing litigation in the courts. Nor do they have a game plan for putting together the pieces of their shattered family after the legal battles are finally over. Sadly they come to realize that celebrities are usually poor role models. They don't necessarily make the wisest decisions regarding their children's best interest as they move through and beyond divorce.

It's easy to forget that divorce litigation is really a luxury, not a necessity. And it's often a luxury that results in material success at the cost of familial success. Not only is fighting expensive, it's often more about ego than concern for the best interest of your kids. The money spent in court fighting over details could instead be used for living expenses or savings toward your child's education. Those same issues could just as easily have been resolved through mediation - and at a much lower price.

Too often the only real winners in family courts are the two divorce attorneys. When you are paid by the hour to keep your client in the ring, it's unlikely that peaceful resolution is a strong motivator. So it's go for the jugular - and then let Mom and Dad pick up the broken chards of their lives while creating a workable plan for parenting the innocent children waiting on the sidelines.

When emotions are strained between two parents it's hard to think about cooperation, let alone aligning yourself with one another on behalf of your children. That's when an objective party needs to add some sanity and clarity to the mix. Parents need to be reminded that no one knows your children better than both of you. Do you really want a stranger deciding the fate of your children - or the outcome of how much time you get to be with them? Is it worth the gamble to put your family's future in the hands of an overworked family court judge? Wouldn't the advice of professional counselors, mediators or collaborative divorce attorneys - all child-advocates who work toward finding long-term resolutions that work for everyone in the family - be a wiser (and more cost-effective) choice?

How do you think your children want Mom and Dad to handle decisions affecting their family after divorce? What will you say to them when they are grown adults and question your choices? Are litigation battles really in your family's best interest? Think long and hard before you answer. Your children will thank you!

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Divorce and Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed eBook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! For her free eBook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right!, her blog, coaching services and valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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10 signs your kid is handling divorce in a positive way https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/10-signs-your-kid-is-handling-divorce-in-a-positive-way/ Tue, 23 Sep 2014 21:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/10-signs-your-kid-is-handling-divorce-in-a-positive-way/ Divorce is such a hard time in so many ways. We worry about our future, security and our kids. How…

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Divorce certainly takes its toll on a family in a variety of ways, especially children. How can one help everyone affected by divorce move forward through this transition? Parenting Coach, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, offers these suggestions.

1. They look, behave and talk as they always have

Divorce can be devastating for kids, often resulting in anxiety, fears, hurt, anger, guilt and other negative emotions. If your children are interacting with you and moving through their days pretty much as usual, that's a good sign. Look for any noticeable changes in mood and behavior and address them early on.

2. They still smile and react positively to time spent with you

Angry kids find it hard to hide their emotions and try to avoid contact with their parents. They may get spiteful, aggressive and belligerent or withdraw into their own space and try to ignore you. Happy kids welcome your attention and enjoy being with you - as they were before the divorce.

3. They ask questions about the divorce and changes ahead

It's OK for your kids to be concerned about what's ahead, how their other parent is doing and other issues during and after divorce. Encourage conversations with your children and answer their questions honestly - but in an age-appropriate manner. Never bad-mouth their other parent no matter how justified you may feel.

4. They feel comfortable talking about experiences with both parents

Well-adjusted kids are not intimidated or afraid to share stories about time spent with either parent. That's because their parents keep communication open, don't compete for their attention and never fill them with guilt or shame about loving their other parent.

5. They maintain momentum at school

Dropping grades or school aggression are signs of problems that may not be apparent otherwise. Talk to your child's teachers and school counselors. Also talk to your children directly to find out what's going on with them and how they feel about the changes in their lives. Listen and let them vent so you learn how you can help.

6. They maintain healthy relationships with their friends

When children lose close friendships after a divorce it's often due to feelings of embarrassment, shame, guilt, anger or confusion. They feel helpless at home and express their frustrations with friends who may not be able to understand and support them when they need it most. A child therapist can be a big asset for them.

7. They continue with sports, classes or other activities

Happy children enjoy their after-school classes, clubs, sports and other programs. If they drop out of activities they used to love, that's a red flag that they aren't coping well with challenges at home. Time to check with a counselor and/or support group for assistance.

8. They show empathy and compassion for others

Well-adjusted kids express caring emotions when others are hurting. Disturbed children will act out with siblings, friends, pets and others showing little concern about their feelings. Kids upset about divorce lose their ability to be caring and compassionate, a warning sign that they may be in distress.

9. They talk about the future

Children who are excited about events ahead: birthday celebrations, holidays, vacations, future school activities and learning new skills are in a positive mind-set about their world. If they've lost their enthusiasm for life, that's a sign of depression and something to look into immediately.

10. They welcome signs of affection from their parents

Well-adjusted kids are happy to give and receive hugs, kisses, words of encouragement and other signs of affection from their parents. If they avoid contact and don't respond to your words and expressions of love, they're sending a distress message you need to address.

When parents have a healthy attitude about life after divorce, their children are more likely to move ahead in a positive way. If you're having issues that are affecting your children, seek professional assistance as soon as possible. Attending to their needs early on can make the difference between short-term snags and long-term problems that impact your children emotionally and psychologically for decades to come.

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