Lately, I've been feeling like parenting information has been swirling around me like a tornado. But I want to make sure that one fundamental idea is not lost in the debris: Focus on the Relationship.

It's very easy to start doubting our decisions "¦ "I'm using time-out, but some people don't, am I scarring my child for life?"

Beating ourselves up when we feel that we've failed "¦ "I just yelled at my kids, AGAIN! Why can't I just keep it together?"

Or, feeling like more discipline will make our kids better behaved "¦ "That's it! No more TV, ipad, phone or friends for a month."

If you're in that place right now, I encourage you to take a deep breath. Just for a moment allow yourself to just sit and breathe. Yep, there's tons of stuff to do, kids are screaming and running circles around you, but it's probably been a while "¦ maybe years "¦ since you've stopped in the midst of this madness to breathe.

Now, let's set aside the parenting advice for a second. Ignore the "do's and don'ts" of discipline and remind yourself of what really matters:

Relationships

If you try to run your family based on a rigid set of rules and regulations, you are probably going to have poor relationships with your kids. If you focus more attention on setting up and enforcing a strict discipline agenda, you are probably going to miss out on some very sweet, spontaneous interactions with your kids.

So throw out the rule book?

Not exactly. I'm not advocating a household where kids run the show and parents bend to their child's every whim. Children need the structure and security that consistent, respectful parents can provide. I'm also not advocating that you try to be your child's best friend. Children need to know that you are their protector and provider, someone who will set appropriate boundaries as they grow.

What I am saying is, sometimes we need to focus less on finding the "perfect punishment" and more on strengthening the relationship.

Suggestions for Focusing on the Relationship

• Give your child a hug. Especially after an argument or disagreement.

• Talk less, listen more.

• If you are going to talk, ask open ended questions that require more than a "yes" or "no" answer

• Learn your child's love language & "speak it" often

• Plan one-on-one time with your children

• Be spontaneous - dance, tickle, serve ice cream before dinner

• Write your child a note, send a text or draw a picture (for pre-readers)

• Help your child think through their decisions rather than passing judgment or criticism

• Give your child space to feel feelings (even anger)

• Take care of yourself, you will feel more calm and in control

• Speak respectfully to your children (even when feeling frustrated)

• Stop what you're doing and pay undivided attention to your child

• Be willing to suspend discipline until you figure out what is at the root of the problem

If you feel that you have swung too far on the discipline pendulum or are too focused on finding the "perfect punishment," maybe it is time to focus on strengthening the relationship with your children. Chances are, your children will be thrilled with any attempt you make at relationship building. And the long-term benefit may be fewer instances where you need to enforce your strict discipline policy.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Imperfect Families. It has been republished here with permission.

The post How to simplify your parenting and focus on the relationship appeared first on FamilyToday.

You just yelled at your kids. And I mean, yelled.

Despite your best efforts at calm, peaceful parenting, you lost your cool. Cabinets were slammed. Words were said. Unfair consequences were given.

It all happened so fast. And now, it's over.

What do you do now?

Here are five things to do after you yell at your kids

1. Breathe

When you were angry, your body was in survival mode - your heart rate was up, your breathing was shallow, your muscles were tense and your thinking was not clear. Get your brain and your body back on track with a few deep breaths. Do not say or do anything else until you have taken at least four really good breaths.

2. Watch for the Re-Trigger

Your kids might not be ready to give up the fight. It's easy to get worked up over the same issue again. Instead, remind yourself that you are only in charge of your own actions, and that you're modeling self-control (even if you blew it a few minutes ago). Find a mantra to keep you focused.

3. Take Responsibility (no BUTS!)

It doesn't matter who started it. Teach your children how to take responsibility without shifting the blame to someone else. You can do this out-loud by saying, "Wow, I'm so sorry, I really let my anger get out of control!" Keep the focus on you, don't add: ""¦but you shouldn't" or ""¦but you know better."

4. Give Yourself a Do-Over

Give yourself the chance to handle the situation differently by offering a "do-over." Say, "Ok, I'm going to try that again without the yelling" or "I was so angry earlier that I don't think I heard what you were trying to say." If you start to feel angry again, let it go. Take a break and try again later.

5. Repair the Relationship

If hurtful words were said, harsh punishments were given or physical aggression occurred, your children may feel disconnected from you. Set the situation aside temporarily, wait on giving consequences and focus instead on repairing the relationship with your kids.

Here are two more things to think about

6. Find the Trigger

Instead of pushing this aside and forgetting it ever happened, give yourself time to think about the situation once you're calm. What pushed your buttons? Was it a word or phrase your child used? Did you feel out-of-control? See if you can find a pattern or certain things that "trigger" you to respond with anger.

7. Is this a Pattern?

Do you find yourself getting angry often? Do you struggle with swinging between a calm mom and an angry mom? If you feel like you are stuck in an unhealthy pattern of anger, it might be time to get some outside help. Seek the support of a therapist or parent coach or open up to a trusted friend about your struggle. Do not go through this alone. Admitting that you struggle with anger doesn't mean you are a bad parent, it means that you have enough guts to take a look at yourself and admit that things need to change.

And that is a sign of a good parent.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Imperfect Families. It has been republished here with permission.

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I am constantly amazed at the number of mixed messages parents give their children. We encourage our children to be independent and critical thinkers "¦ while at the same time, criticize, argue with and sometimes even punish these traits.

We want our kids to express their thoughts and feelings, but we feel frustrated by our child's method. Whining, tantruming, yelling, arguing, or a rude tone of voice can fuel even the calmest parent's fire.

What most parents want is a child who is able to Respectfully Disagree.

Unfortunately, this is not something that comes naturally to kids. It is a skill that needs to be taught.

Teaching Kids to Respectfully Disagree

Model

Yep, like most things, respect needs to start with the adults. Kids learn by watching and listening to the adults in their life. Challenge yourself to use a calm or neutral tone when disagreeing with your child. Stick to the facts, your feelings or what you're observing. Skip the name-calling, punishment and yelling.

Give Permission

Let your children know that it is OK to disagree with siblings, friends, teachers and even parents. Talk about "respectful" and "disrespectful" ways to disagree, and the potential consequences of each.

Give the Words

Providing your child with a "script" will help him feel empowered to speak his mind in a respectful way. For example, "Here's what I think"¦" or "Can I tell you how I feel?" Even a simple, "I disagree."

Be Willing to Listen

If your child is speaking respectfully, give them your attention. Hear their perspective and paraphrase it back to make sure you've heard it correctly. Resist the urge to interrupt or formulate your response before hearing their opinion.

Don't Fix It

Rather than jumping in and solving the problem or giving a punishment, let your child know that you hear their side. Responding with, "It doesn't seem fair that you have an earlier bedtime." Might be all that's needed in the moment.

Change Your Mind

Sometimes, your child may present a pretty strong case. If you are wrong or if you are willing to be flexible, it's OK to change your opinion, compromise or give their position some extra consideration.

Teach Coping Skills

Of course, there will always be situations when you cannot compromise or change your mind. In that case, it's important that your child has a number of different ways to handle disappointment or disagreement. Practice these skills before your child needs them, so they will be ready when the time comes.

Putting it into Practice

Changing patterns is going to take time. It may not come naturally at first. That is OK! You and your child can work together to find the "script" and expectations that works best for your family.

Maybe you're from the "parent is always right" or "children should be seen and not heard" school of thought. If so, I would challenge you to examine how that is working for your relationship with your child. Conflict between a parent and a child sometimes stem from the child not feeling heard, valued or respected. I realize that you may not feel respected either. Taking steps towards repairing the relationship may be a step in the right direction.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Imperfect Families. It has been republished here with permission.

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The playdate is over. It is time to head home. You gave a 5 minute warning. You expect everything to go well.

Suddenly, it happens. Your child responds disrespectfully.

"No! I don't want to go! You never let me do anything fun!"

You feel the anger rising inside you. You yell back, "How dare you talk to me like that!"

He continues, "You didn't even send me a treat in my lunch today! You are the meanest mom ever!!!"

Now, you're furious. "That's it! No TV for a week!"

This back and forth continues. You drag him to the car, kicking and screaming. Vowing never to let him have a playdate ever again.

Disrespect Is Not OK

Disrespectful communication is a problem for many kids. We definitely need to teach our children how to treat others with kindness and respect, and how to communicate big feelings without being disrespectful.

Unfortunately, we cannot teach them to be respectful in the heat of the moment.

I know you WANT to deal with it right then and there. I know you HATE being disrespected. But, once your child is angry, the thinking part of their brain has shut down. They are in survival mode, sometimes called, "flight or fight" mode.

Plus, we cannot teach our kids to be respectful by treating them with disrespect.

If you are triggered by their disrespectful behavior, your brain goes into survival mode too. You are not able to think rationally. Your responses will either be filled with anger, yelling and punishment or you will shut down and give up.

Is There Another Way to Deal with Disrespect?

If you feel pressured to punish or yell at your child in the moment, I would encourage you to try one or more of these 7 responses:

1. Stay calm

Does this seem impossible? It's not easy to keep cool when our kids are being rude. Meeting them with disrespect sends the wrong message. Model good self-care by taking a deep breath, counting to 20 or repeating a mantra: "This is not an emergency."

2. Decode the Behavior

Look at things from your child's perspective. Were they caught off guard? Is what you're asking inconvenient? Do they feel powerless? Their response is a reflection of what they are feeling inside. Unfortunately, at this point, they can't put it into more appropriate words.

3. Empathize

Help your child understand their own feelings by offering an empathetic response, "It seems unfair that we have to go already!" or "I know it's hard to leave when you're having such a fun time!" You do not have to agree with the feeling, it simply means that you are trying to relate to their experience.

4. Check the Time

Some kids are affected by low blood sugar, hunger or thirst. Others are very sensitive to environmental stimulation or not getting enough sleep. Has it been awhile since your child ate? Could they use a sip of water? Or a break from a loud environment? Offer it in a non-threatening way, "I'm going to have a cracker, would you like one too?"

5. Slow It Down

It's easy to get pulled away with the "runaway train" of angry, frustrated words and emotions. Instead of jumping on board and responding to every criticism or complaint your child throws at you, try to put on the brakes, "Whoa! That's a lot of info. I'd like to listen, but you're talking too fast. Let's calm down so I can understand what you're trying to say."

6. Let it Go

Sometimes it's best not to give a response, especially if you know your child is hungry or tired and talking out of a "survival mode" brain - or if you can't keep yourself from responding in a sarcastic, angry or disrespectful way. You don't have to ignore it forever. Once everyone is calm, you can talk about what happened and how to do it differently next time.

7. Connect

If your child is misbehaving, the last thing on your mind is cuddling. However, for many kids, connection is exactly what they need! If you are able to look past the behavior and ignore all of the "runaway train" information, you will be able to see that your child is hurting and needs support. Sometimes, a hug is better than any verbal response.

Do the Teaching Later

Waiting or delaying your response does not mean that you are a passive parent or you're saying that disrespect is OK. It means that you are waiting until your brain, and your child's brain, is able to receive information and move on without being rude, angry or disrespectful.

• When you're ready to talk, you can start with, "It seems like you were upset about leaving the playdate earlier. Can we think of a different way to tell me how you feel?"

• You can also address some of the things that were said, "I heard you say something about snacks in your lunch. Is this something you want to talk about now?"

• You have feelings too! It's OK to express them, and let you child know how their words affect you. Be careful not to point the finger back at your child, keep the focus on how it felt to you. "I felt hurt when you said I was the meanest mom ever."

• If you lost your cool and said angry words in the heat of the moment, it's OK to admit it. You are not perfect, and it is good for your kids to see that you are working on calming skills too!

This is when the teaching happens. Calm brains can learn information. They can process and practice new skills. Your child can learn how to manage big feelings and respond more respectfully next time.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Nicole Schwarz's blog. It has been republished here with permission.

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