I was on a hike with another couple and the husband asked me to identify the number one thing I would tell people to keep their marriages strong. I'm not usually asked to reduce marital tips down to one dimension, but I was intrigued by the challenge. I thought for a minute and realized I had a definite answer, informed by the cases I have had over the last 5 years.

"I would say," I replied, "To realize that when you are texting someone, you are in essence entering a private room with that person." I'm expanding on the image here. The room has no windows. The social response is in real time, so it is as if you are right next to the person having an actual conversation. If you text daily, you are entering that room daily. If you text on and off all day long, you are in that room most of the day. Everyday.

I see a lot of infidelity cases. One hundred percent of them in the last few years have all developed through texting. In most cases, a romantic interest did not precede the texting relationship. Most of them started in a benign way between co-workers, church members working together on projects, neighbors and best friends of the couple. Here's the typical developmental course (IMHO):

1. Begin texting to communicate practical information.

2. Increase frequency of texting, still to communicate practical information.

3. Add a joke to your text, making it more conversational in nature.

4. Get a response to your joke, and continue the playful banter.

5. Feel a positive chemical boost after a text exchange.

6. Find yourself checking your phone to see if the person texted.

7. Realize that you are starting to look forward to getting texts from that person.

8. Tell yourself that since you aren't seeing that person face-to-face, you are fine and not being disloyal to your spouse.

9. Increase casual and playful texting.

10. Shift from playful banter to deeper emotional disclosures.

11. Experience an increase in the euphoric chemical boost.

12. Find yourself hiding your phone from your spouse, because you don't want the texts to be "misinterpreted." (ALERT: Tipping Point)

13. Continue to tell yourself that nothing is going to happen, because you still aren't in this person's physical presence, so you are still in control.

14. Realize you have an emotional yearning for this individual.

15. As you increase the need to hide your texts, begin to see your spouse as the enemy.

16. Find yourself disconnecting from your spouse to find a place to text this person more often and privately.

17. Hide more.

18. Declare your deepest feelings and yearnings for this person and plan to meet in a private location.

19. Engage in physical affection.

20. Bam!

21. Feel as if you have "fallen," in love with this person and want him/her more than your spouse.

22. Tell yourself this is your true love connection ... otherwise you wouldn't have "fallen," in love, and you wouldn't have these feelings.

23. See your spouse as the one thing standing between you and true love and happiness.

24. Destabilize your family.

25. Make an appointment with me.

This may sound harsh to some readers ... definitely to those who see themselves somewhere on this continuum. I'm not changing my story. If you would not repeatedly enter a private room with someone without a window where someone can see in, frequently enough that you start to share feelings with someone that you wouldn't share with your spouse, don't do it on a cell phone.

Here's one more thing that should not surprise you: If your texting partner is an old boyfriend or girlfriend, you can expect to immediately resurrect the same emotions you felt when you were dating that person. You will exaggerate all the good memories you had and minimize the negative memories you had from that relationship. That's not unique. Your texting affair is not unique, and the effect is as if you are on drugs. I've written this before and I stand by it.

Lastly, realize that no matter how great you think your marriage is, this can happen to you. It is the failure to be watchful and set boundaries that gets people into trouble. If you think you could never end up having an affair, you're kidding yourself.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Lori Cluff Schade's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 1 simple thing you MUST do to protect your marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

Stacy came in looking angry. Her husband had recently sounded the alarm bell on their marriage and told her he wasn't sure he wanted to continue the relationship. In an about-face, she behaviorally tried to do everything she could think of to reignite his commitment to the relationship. He continued to avoid her. She explained, "All week, I have done all these nice things for him that I thought he would like. I made his favorite dinner and cleaned up all the dishes myself. I've tried to express appreciation and tell him when he's doing great as a father. I've tried really hard to keep from yelling. He still avoids me. I don't know what else to do. It's not fair."

I glanced over at him, expecting no response, and noticed him staring at me, arms folded across his chest, daring me to comment on his unresponsiveness. I knew there was a reason for his avoidance, because of their history. I turned back to his wife. "I know you are hurting. This has all been incredibly painful and scary for you, and it's hard to try so hard and feel hopeless." She nodded and added, "I don't see how I'm expected to make all the changes. If I'm putting myself out there and trying, then he should too." Her tone suggested that I should chastise him for his behavior.

I continued, "Can you do something for me right now?" "What?" she asked. "Can you please start breathing for him right now?" She looked at me like I was crazy and replied "What do you mean?" "I mean breathe for him. Right now. Go. Make him breathe." Seconds later, she said, "I can't make him breathe." "Right," I affirmed, "You can't make him breathe just like you can't really make him do anything else. You are an entirely independently functioning individual. You can invite him to breathe and possibly influence him to breathe, but you cannot do it for him nor make him do it. It may be unfair. Your sense of justice may be violated, but you cannot make him do anything. That is an incredibly helpless feeling, I know "¦ and let me add this "¦ even if you could control him, you wouldn't want to, because he would resent you for it."

She became teary, and I continued processing her softer emotions enough that I could turn to her husband and check in with him about his perception. He had noticed changes, but he didn't trust them. He worried that if he did trust her changes, things would go back to the way they were before. He stayed disconnected in part to avoid giving his wife false hope about their future. It was a protective mechanism.

One of the simple hard and true facts about relationships is that we absolutely cannot control other people. Couples commonly end up in tug-of-war like power struggles over who will control the outcome of an argument. People in general like to exercise decision-making and control over their lives. In couple relationships, constant negotiation is necessary for joining two individuals who sometimes have conflicting desires and needs. That's normal and healthy. There are big problems when people think they are going to manipulate or control their spouses to do what they want them to do, and even though it may feel like winning in the short run, it is a losing proposition in the long term.

People hopefully learn this in dating relationships. Not everyone does. When my oldest son was going through a difficult romantic break-up years ago, he asked me if he should write a letter to his girlfriend with specific explanations and questions. I answered that if he chose to do that, it was fine, but absolutely not to send a letter with any kind of expectation for how she might respond. I explained that, "You can do whatever you want. However, you can't choose how or even if she will reply. You cannot ask her a question with the expectation for a certain answer-you must be prepared that she may not answer you, and even if she does, it may not be the answer you want to hear. If you can do that, then go ahead and send the letter. If you are sending it with an expectation for a certain response, think twice about it. You absolutely do not get to control what someone else does. You can only control what you do in response."

Even if you could control your partner's behavior, it is not in your best interest to do so. Some people can be quite controlling and effectively bully their partners into regular capitulation. What ends up happening is that controlling partners think they are getting their way and life is good while resentment builds in the partner that is constantly giving in to avoid conflict. Over time (and by time I mean that it can take four decades or more), resentful partners get to the point that they have had enough and finally take a stand, which usually means shutting the partner out completely or ending the relationship. Then, the controlling partners are confused because they had no idea their placating partners were angry for years. I don't know how many times I have heard a controlling partner say, "If he (or she) had only told me-I had no idea I was being controlling."

In too many marriages and relationships, instead of power equality, there is a huge power differential in which one partner benefits at the expense of the other. Unfortunately, many people lack the awareness that they are taking this kind of position in a relationship. If you are able to persuade your spouse to agree with you all or most of the time instead of your adapting to them, you may be a controlling partner. If you are constantly giving in, I believe you are at high risk for being a typical placating partner who is slowly building resentment that may explode later.

What to do about it

Controlling partners can ask spouses what they think about the marriage, what changes they want to make, and what they really want in life, and try to honor and validate the information and requests. In short, the best thing to do is increase your understanding of your partner's position without trying to change it. People who feel invalidated or misunderstood will cling tighter to their positions. If you are inflammatory or reactive, your partner will probably not share this with you, and you will be no better off. When controlling partners feel at all unsafe, placating partners will continue to give in and withhold expression of their opinions. If your partner isn't sharing his or her opinion, this can be a huge warning sign.

If you are a partner who constantly gives in to avoid conflict, be honest with yourself about how you are feeling toward your partner. Try to find a way to discuss this dynamic with your partner. If your partner is controlling to the point of being abusive, you may have to face some difficult questions about continuing the relationship. Giving in to abusive partners does not make them less controlling-it feeds the pattern.

A typical example

Although power struggles show up in every marital context, a really common area is in the bedroom. A spouse who doesn't want to be physically intimate because he or she doesn't feel emotionally connected (and yes, that happens for men as well as women-people often don't want to have sex with controlling partners), may end up giving in just to get the partner to go away. The problem is, if they really don't want to engage, they can become bitterly resentful.

In one typical session, a wife came in upset because after she verbally explained to her husband that she didn't feel safe enough with him emotionally to want to engage in a physically close relationship, he pressed her on the issue until she gave in and had sex with him, even though she didn't want to. The result was another relationship rupture. In this case, she tried to say no to him but then gave in and then punished him for it. I asked what would happen if she said, "OK, I will have sex with you, but I want to be clear that I will hold a grudge and be resentful toward you afterward and it will disconnect us further." She said, "Oh I could never say that-it would hurt his feelings." I said, "But you are saying it-you're just not using words-and you are hurting his feelings more because when you punish him with your anger, it's an unclear message, and he doesn't know what's really going on. All I'm asking you to do is to be congruent. Verbalize what you are already creating, and give him the choice about whether he really want to participate in that process or not." The husband admitted that even though experiencing rejection would be painful, it was more painful and confusing to be punished after his wife gave in, and made him feel worse. He didn't realize he was coming across as controlling.

Control can work both ways here. In other scenarios, a partner may refuse to engage in a physical relationship, and the absolute refusal becomes the control. I believe there is a distinct lack of integrity in a partner who refuses separation or divorce but then refuses to improve the sexual relationship in a long-term marriage. It's one thing to temporarily abandon sexual relations while actively working on making the relationship safe-it's entirely different to shut a partner out sexually with no hope for improvement. This hopeless scenario in my opinion is quite cruel.

In the above cases, one partner was using verbal coercion to achieve sex and one was using icy withdrawal to avoid sex-both are controlling, and both are losing in the long-run.

(Side note: sexuality is tremendously complex and there are many reasons why couples disconnect around physical intimacy. The problems are usually a combination of individual difficulties AND relationship difficulties. I don't want to oversimplify the problem. These particular scenarios don't necessarily translate to many other scenarios)

Ultimately, realize that you can only really control yourself. You can certainly influence and invite your partner, but do not use coercion to do it. If you win with coercion or manipulation, you're not really winning. There must be a recognition of a partner's right to his or her opinion. You do not want to make your partner to do something they don't want to do. Conversely, if you constantly give in to achieve "peace at any price," you're not doing your partner any favors. You are feeding into the cycle of manipulative control.

Take a serious look at your marriage to make sure you are not playing the part of puppet or puppeteer. Either role is bad for you, bad for your partner, and bad for the relationship.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Lori Cluff Schade's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post The number one relationship rule you must follow appeared first on FamilyToday.

Sandra had been married for five years when she came in with her husband for therapy. "I just want to be 'in love,' again," Sandra disclosed, after I asked her to identify her goals in marriage therapy. "OK," I answered, "then let's talk about how you will know you are 'in love.'" She gushed, "Well, you know, that feeling you get when you look at your partner and you feel so excited to see them and you think about them all the time?" "Do you mean that feeling that some people call 'twitterpation,' or 'butterflies,' when you are with your partner?" I clarified. "Yes "¦ well, I know it won't be exactly like when we were first together, but I miss having those feelings."

The first year or two of a romantic, committed relationship is indeed an intoxicating experience. This euphoric state is linked to words like "passion," "infatuation," or even "madness." There is a social science term called "limerence," to describe this state, characterized by increased energy, motivation and focus. Scientists are always learning more about people in this stage with an increased ability to measure physical responses, such as a functional MRI for viewing brain activity. People in this condition experience physiological changes which have been likened to the heightened experience of people on cocaine.

So, is this "love?"

Despite attempts to define and conceptualize love, it is ultimately a subjective experience, and carries deep meaning for most people which can make it tricky to address in therapy. Romantic love comes with high expectations for people in the western world. I have learned that everyone is different when it comes to definitions and expectations for romantic love.

I do believe, however, that for a long-term committed relationship to survive, partners must develop a more mature definition of love beyond the limerence stage in order to enjoy the benefits of long-term attachment.

In my anecdotal experience, sometimes people who married the first person they experienced this feeling with are surprised and disappointed when it fades. Some even assume it means that they aren't "in love," anymore.

Even though there is not technically a "love addiction," in the field of mental health, I have had clients who seem to chase the high of new relationships by engaging in repetitive infidelity, looking for that one relationship which will allow them to keep that pleasurable sensation of "falling in love," permanently. It doesn't have to be a physical relationship. People can experience the same feelings in digital relationships in which they have never even met the individual in person. Deep mutual emotional disclosure can generate the same euphoria. Sometimes, even concealing an extramarital relationship can fuel the release of pleasurable chemicals, which keeps people returning to the behavior.

In conversations with many clients, I have pointed out that chasing the sensation of a new relationship can deprive them of enjoying the benefits of a safe long-term attachment. My clients have expressed that, "it's such a great feeling, though! You have more energy, and you feel so motivated!" "Yes," I add, "And you would have a lot more energy if you took amphetamines right now, too, but you wouldn't do it because of the long-term negative implications for stability."

So, in a long-term relationship, must you just accept that you have moved into a new stage of love and abandon hope of getting back those "feel-good hormones?"

Well, in my opinion, yes "¦. and, no.

In some brain imaging studies, partners who had been together for 20 years or more demonstrated brain activity similar to people in the limerence stage of love. Even so, for most people, the intensity of physical sensations changes, and if we evaluate the changes as bad, we are more prone to experience negative emotions about it and think something is wrong. If, however, we acknowledge that relationships shift and transform continually, and the changes can mean improvement in other aspects of the relationship, we are more likely to accept the attrition of limerence-related hormones. We influence a lot of our personal feelings about things according to our evaluations, and we have complete power to change our evaluations. This is in part how we can change our feelings about our relationships.

Out of curiosity, every so often, I have asked my husband, "Do you ever wish you could get back the intense feelings with the butterflies you had in the beginning of our relationship." He always answers the same way, which is, "No, because I still have those feelings everyday when I look at you." Good answer "¦ and I don't believe him for a minute. I do believe, however, that it is important for him to love his wife and family, and so he does, because he wants a long-term relationship. He has developed a mature definition of what love is.

I haven't experienced the intense sensations associated with limerence for years, but I do experience a discernible pleasurable boost when my husband walks into a room. Once, at Target, when I was Christmas shopping for 7 kids, I remember wandering the toy aisle feeling overwhelmed about the financial cost of the annual holiday. He had gone to a different part of the store to look for something. I was on a downward spiral of depressed feelings, as my eyes searched the aisle for consumer inspiration. Suddenly, he appeared at the end of the aisle with a big smile on his face, and my heart jumped, and I felt immediately better. The butterflies weren't as intense, but they were definitely there. He was my partner in this crazy endeavor, and we would figure it out together.

One thing butterflies demonstrate for sure is the power of transformation. Perhaps considering this aspect of "butterfly-ness," is more helpful than thinking of the fluttering feeling as the end goal.

In the meantime, if any one has a legit Cupid's arrow for sale this Valentine season, I'm in the market.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Lori Cluff Schade's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Is long-term love where butterflies go to die? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Every so often, someone will notice my wedding ring and ask me about it, because it is somewhat unusual. It's a ring that I had made in the jewelry district in Los Angeles back in 1987 while I was engaged to be married. I was trying to explain what I had in mind to the jeweler who was getting frustrated that I was rejecting everything he was showing me. Finally, I sketched out my envisioned design on a piece of paper and he asked if I just wanted them to custom make that design for me, and I happily agreed.

I am actually not a jewelry person. My accessorizing is generally haphazard, and I have a whole drawer full of baubles that sit mostly untouched. I have simple tastes. The one thing I almost never leave the house without, however, is my wedding ring. When the jeweler presented it to me, he was excited to show me how it turned out and I was happy that it reflected my unique conceptualization. I have always been disinterested in what other people thought about it, or whether or not it met a certain standard for jewelry design, because it was my own distinctive creation, and it was just what I wanted.

Right after I got married, my husband and I spent a week in Cancun, Mexico. The Cancun of 1987 wasn't quite as developed as it is now. I avoided drinking the water and I ordered all my drinks without ice, but as my husband and I were preparing to fly back to the U.S., I realized that something must have made me sick. By the time we were driving home, I had a temperature and was so miserable that my husband stopped at a medical care facility in the small town, where medical services were sparse.

The medical team immediately gave me an IV drip for my dehydration and began running some tests. The nurse used a needle that was so small that the drip was taking a long time to drain, so he jerry-rigged a pressurized system to increase the flow by wrapping a blood pressure cuff around the bag and pumping it up. The drip did start flowing faster, but soon the bag drained enough that the pressure needed to be increased again. I suggested that my husband pump up the blood pressure pump a second time. Neither of us had any experience with medical instruments.

A few seconds after my husband started pumping, we heard something pop, and I felt something raining down on my head. I instinctively shut my eyes and asked my husband what had happened. He said, "Don't open your eyes. Mercury just shot out of the instrument and you have it in your eyelashes." I was freaking out a little bit because I had heard that mercury can be dangerous if ingested. He meticulously picked it out of my eyelashes and off of my body.

A few hours later, after I was discharged, I looked down and noticed that my wedding ring was now silver instead of gold. I surmised to my husband that the jewelers in Los Angeles must have used cheap materials instead of real gold, and my beloved wedding ring was ruined. Later, I called my parents to complain about it. Then, I proceeded to tell them about my adventures with mercury, and my father asked, "Wait a minute. Did you have your wedding ring on when the mercury exploded all over?" "Yes, why?" I replied. "Because mercury bonds to gold. That's why your wedding ring looks silver," he explained, "You need to go to a jeweler right away and have it buffed off of the ring."

I blew off his explanation, and lazily replied that I might get around to it eventually, but that I was under a lot of stress moving into an apartment, starting a new semester, buying books, starting a new job, and paying for my emergency room bill, since these were the days before COBRA, and I had no insurance. "I can't afford to pay a jeweler to do that right now," I whined.

My father was a chemical engineer and the owner of an industrial chemical manufacturing company. He knew a thing or two about chemicals. He warned, "Lori," (now using his no-nonsense, authoritative voice), "if you do not go and get that mercury buffed off of that ring, then it will become part of the molecular composition of the metal, and you will not be able to get the silver color off of it. It will be part of the permanent structure of the ring," (or something like that"¦in terms a chemical engineer and manufacturer would use). Sure enough, a jeweler restored the ring to its former purity.

What you can learn from this story

I think about that incident every so often, and my father's warning that I needed to buff off the mercury before it permanently tainted the structural integrity of the gold from which my ring was constructed. It seems like an appropriate analogy for marital relationships.

By and large, the most challenging cases with which I am faced are those in which one partner spent years building resentment toward another partner without addressing the discontentment or hurt. This happens for many reasons: conflict avoidance, fear, confusion, perceived need to be long-suffering, hopelessness, etc. The reasons don't matter as much as the effect this strategy has on a long-term partnership. Almost inevitably, the partner who often gives in or placates the other partner without saying anything reaches a breaking point which is manifested as a distinct and firm disconnection.

Allow me to give an example. In one situation, which is almost exactly like many other situations I have seen, a husband spent years focused on his career. Making a lot of money was very important to him, and became part of his identity. He was determined to "succeed." In the eyes of the world, he was successful, having developed a business and selling it for millions of dollars, giving him the freedom to retire early and invest his profits in a variety of income-generating ventures. However, his wife wanted nothing to do with him. It seemed as if his "success," had cost him his marriage.

He pleaded with me to help him save his relationship. He said all the right things. He was completely cooperative in therapy. He did everything she asked. And nothing changed. As much as he apologized for ignoring her for so many years, and as much as he explained that he wanted to move forward in a different direction with her, she was past feeling. She seemingly had become comfortable with their disconnection, had accepted it as part of her marriage to him, and had no desire to get close again. Many times, she repeated, "He never listened to me when I tried to tell him before, and eventually I just gave up. I just don't care anymore. I don't care if we are disconnected"¦In fact, I'm comfortable with it. I like it that way." The couple was willing to stay married, "for the children," but the marriage was very low quality by any standard. There was nothing I could do.

These situations cause me pain because they are so preventable if addressed early and often by both partners. Quite simply, if you find yourself feeling resentful toward your partner, the best thing you can do for your marital future and your children is to address it immediately, even if it hasn't been previously heard. This doesn't mean being "brutally honest," or rigid and demanding. Kindness and generosity are ALWAYS important with any degree of honesty. It means to continue to evaluate the condition of your marriage and recorrect the trajectory toward closeness instead of disconnection, so hard feelings don't build up enough to completely divide the marriage. If your partner isn't hearing you, giving up will not fix it. It is not heroic to avoid conflict while allowing discontentment to become bitterness.

In the parable of the wedding ring, if you do not buff off the mercury in your marriage (resentments, discontentments, hurts, slights), it will become part of the permanent structure of the relationship, unchanged by delayed apologies and tardy responsiveness, leading to something of a lower quality alloy.

In essence, it becomes more difficult for a marriage therapist to "buff off," the layer of toxicity that is poisoning the marriage. Difficult doesn't mean impossible, however. Please don't give up. Try to repair the quality of the relationship instead of just enduring a low-quality but stable marriage - for the sake of the children. It may be challenging, but if BOTH partners put forth required effort, the "ring," can be restored to its former beauty, and I daresay it empowers the family as well - a ring for which Tolkien may even agree is worth enduring the epic adventure.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Lori Cluff Schade's blog. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

The post My parable of the wedding ring appeared first on FamilyToday.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Lori Cluff Schade's blog. It has been republished here with permission.

One of my earliest memories is of my mother taking me to the library, where I fell immediately in love. I looked forward to our weekly trips, where I would gather another collection of story books to take home and peruse for hours. One of my favorite gifts as a child was a book of fairy tales that I read repeatedly. As I read the adventurous tales, I felt transported in time and place and imagined interacting with the various characters. I still remember sitting in front of the mirror at age 6 and wishing that I had hair as "black as ebony," like Snow White because it seemed so exotic compared to my dirty blonde locks. I still have an enthusiastic response to stories, which is one reason I love being a therapist.

Every couple who starts marital therapy has a story (or two versions of a story). One thing I am watching for in early sessions of therapy is how a husband and wife tell their story. I routinely ask questions about how they met, what their courtship was like, and what made them decide to get married in the first place. I can often tell a lot about the level of distress in the marriage based on the responses. Couples who are still highly committed to their relationships are usually able to describe these early relationship aspects in an expansive, detailed way which increases the positive emotion in the room. More highly distressed couples often struggle with positive memories and may report that they have "nothing in common and never did," or that they "can't remember." The silence in the room is the story.

Marital researcher John Gottman noticed this phenomenon and described distressed couples as "rewriting history," meaning that as the relationship is colored with conflict and/or negative emotion, they forget what used to be good and rewrite their stories. The reality is that we are always rewriting our memories based on our current experiences. The way marital history is recounted often says more about the current condition of the marriage than the actual historical events.

The majority of people do not get married with the intention of having poor quality marriages or future divorces. Most people marry someone with whom they believe they can create a relationship with some longevity. However, when the marriage is difficult, they quickly forget what they saw in their partners in the first place.

Here are some of the responses I routinely hear in high distress marriages when I ask how the couple became attracted to each other and how they decided they wanted to get married:

1. Our parents expected us to get married

2. The invitations were already out

3. My friends were all getting married and it seemed convenient

4. I was getting older

5. I can't remember

6. I used to be physically attracted to him/her

I have been known to ask for additional clarification or to even gently challenge some of these responses. Here are some probing questions I might ask:

"Even at the young age you were when you got married, you had some idea that this was at least somewhat permanent, correct? You weren't planning your divorce the day you got married, right? (clients always agree) So, help me understand what it was about this person that made you decide to commit to her at the time? "¦ I have a hard time believing you were shallow in your decision making, because most people take marriage fairly seriously." When people tell me they got married because the invitations were out, I ask, "What was it about this person that made you think you wanted to send out the invitations? What made you want to get engaged?"

Sometimes, when I probe a little deeper and challenge the notion that there wasn't some kind of connection they aren't remembering because it is clouded over by the current marital atmosphere, people start accessing memories that have been wiped out. Sometimes when they go back and look at photographs from dating or getting married, they can remember.

Just to give an example (which is very representative of a common scenario), one husband I interviewed explained up front that he had only shown up to placate his wife, and he had no intention of continuing marital counseling and just wanted a divorce (in our first session). When I asked him how he had connected with his wife while they were dating, he claimed that he had no connection ever and just got married because it seemed "convenient."

I leaned in and verified, "OK, let me make sure I understand "¦. you are describing growing up in a family and culture that views marriage as a permanent arrangement, but you decided to get married to the person you just happened to be dating because you didn't want the hassle of finding roommates and an apartment for the next year? When I say that out loud back to you, can you see why I am having a hard time believing that? Can you see why it seems more believable to me that you have forgotten the connection you used to have with your wife?"

I didn't expect to ever see him again because he had been so fixed in his position. I was shocked to see him actually show up the following week and say I had been right. He said he thought about it and he remembered that he had a strong intellectual connection with his wife and remembering it made him realize that he actually did want to fix his marriage and feel connected to her again. He became one of my most engaged and committed clients.

Here are some steps to developing and improving upon a marital story

1. Go back to the beginning, but be honest

Give yourself enough credit to realize that you probably had some very good reasons for marrying this person. Be honest about what they were. Look at photographs. Talk to people who were there.

2. Realize that every great story has challenges

One of the fundamental elements of an epic tale is a really great antagonist(s). Life is full of metaphorical dragons, and in successful marriages, couples learn to unite against them together.

3 Write down the direction in which you want your story to go now

It's amazing to me how quickly many people will place themselves in the role of victim and give up on trying to choreograph a relationship. I have seen so many couples triumph over different types of betrayals and challenges that I sometimes get discouraged when couples seem to just give up. It is hard (if not impossible) to fix a marriage by oneself, but if a couple can unify around the direction they want to go, there is a lot of hope.

If you haven't been able to tell, I believe in "Happily ever after." I'm a hopeless romantic that way. That being said, I have faced many of the dragons other people face, and sometimes my husband and I have been symbolically in battle on opposite sides of the fence. Every great story has dark parts. Every great story has growth and often triumph. The reality is, as long as you are married, you are still writing your marital story. How do you want yours to read?

The post Once upon a time … they created their happily ever after appeared first on FamilyToday.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Lori Cluff Schade's blog. It has been republished here with permission.

Around this time last year, I was wandering the aisles of a department store with one of my good friends, hatching a plan to surprise our husbands with an unexpected double date. I had arranged for an aerial yoga instructor to give us a private class in contorting ourselves in long scarves and on bars hanging from the ceiling, trapeze style. The whole idea appealed to me, since I had a background in gymnastics and competition cheerleading. What appealed to me more was the anticipation of seeing the look on my husband's face when I told him what we were going to do.

Our plan was to tell our husbands that we were going somewhere they would find completely unsavory (e.g. the opera) and then to show up at the yoga studio with outfits for them to change into for the class. "I know "¦ tights," I mused, "If we put the word 'cycling,' in front of them, my husband will think they're legit "¦ Look, green shorts "¦ They'll be like oversized leprechauns!" We laughed and schemed and found just the right clothes to fit their tall frames, and laughed some more in anticipation of their reactions.

The planning was a lot of the fun. The evening went as planned, and fortunately our husbands were good sports, even though my husband protested that he does not wear "outfits;" the best part is that we have a great memory to laugh about when we go out with our friends.

The "American Journal of Play," recently reported findings that playfulness is a significant role in not just attracting a mate, but in creating long-term relationships. It makes sense to me that playfulness is very appealing in attracting a mate. At least it was in my case. Every boyfriend I had won me over in large part by making me laugh and playing off of my sometimes quirky personality.

When I met my husband, I had no interest in pursuing a relationship beyond friendship, and yet he kept showing up every time I turned around. I remember that I was not particularly playful with him because I just wasn't interested and didn't want to get his hopes up, despite the fact that he did, as the quintessential All-American basketball player, represent my "type."

One evening, he was walking me across the university campus and invited me to come watch him play intramural football. "OK"¦.maybe," I offered hesitantly in order to be polite, with no intention of showing up. Later that evening, I was thanking the heavens above for the snowfall that gave me a convenient excuse for not showing up without hurting his feelings. When someone knocked at my door a few minutes later, I opened it to see him standing there with a bag over his head, illustrating the fact that I had "dogged," him by not attending the game. He made me laugh, which was in large part how he eventually won me over. I wasn't trying to impress him, because I still didn't want to pursue a relationship, so I felt free to be my quirky self without recrimination. Once, I showed up to go on a date wearing black lipstick just to see how his conservative side would respond. He just played along, acting like he didn't notice.

Because we were clearly "just friends," and he wasn't going anywhere, we spent months in a relationship absent of physical affection, but rich with playful friendship types of experiences. If I was running at the track, he would show up and run alongside me (and around me). If I was going to play tennis with a roommate, he would show up with a tennis racket and the skills of a country club trained tennis player (literally). He kept making me laugh. Our natural abilities to be increasingly playful facilitated a more secure courtship.

After we married and had children, life started to become more serious and stressful, but I still valued our playfulness, and I would use holidays like April Fool's Day to play tricks on him with my children, continuing our tradition of whimsy. One year I read my children a book about a little boy who hid insects in homemade chocolate, and that was the year we made homemade chocolates for daddy with gummy worms and bugs hidden inside. One year, because I had all boys, I dressed the baby up as a girl and tried to hand my husband his "daughter," when he walked through the door.

I still believe in the power of play for couples. There are many benefits in a long-term relationship:

1. Increased well-being

The byproduct of playfulness increases coping ability.

2. Expressing affection

It's a way of conveying that the other person matters.

3. Increasing excitement in relationship

Relationships are often created and fueled by novelty, which diminishes in long-term bonds. Playfulness brings that novelty back, which has been significantly associated with increased relationship quality in marriage.

4. Cultivating the relationship

There is an exploratory aspect of playful behavior that generates memories, securing bonds.

5. Increased problem solving capability

Playfulness accesses creativity, which broadens the ability to seek solutions to common relationship problems.

The problem is, being playful requires some vulnerability and risk, and couples who are distressed have often lost this element in their relationship. It's not safe to be playful with someone who might be critical or contemptuous in return.

If a relationship has lost its playfulness, one of the best segues back in is reminiscence. Sometimes my husband and I play the "remember when," game. Viewing old photo albums or watching home movies from the past can also be useful. This usually invites positive emotions and can lead to an instant feeling of connection. It's the perfect launching pad for additional playful behavior. Come to think of it, I might even break out the black lipstick "¦

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Note, even though both males and females may hurt their partners with pornography use, this article is directed toward a typical couple presentation with a male user.

I sighed as I sat across from an impeccably dressed, doe-eyed female client. She was tearfully explaining how she didn't think she could ever bring herself to be physically safe with her husband again after finding out that he had been viewing pornography. As she wept, she made her message clear, "How am I ever supposed to feel close to him again after knowing what he has been looking at on the computer? "¦ I mean "¦ I can't compete with that "¦ I can't compete with those women."

I answered without missing a beat, "Those women can't compete with themselves either - first because they are false images, implanted, airbrushed and otherwise enhanced and second because one pornographic image of an individual isn't satisfying over the long term. That is exactly why a pornography habit is not characterized by viewing one 'perfect' female, but by repeatedly seeking novel images designed to fuel an insatiable need for the next sexual high."

My heart ached for her as she sobbed, and I momentarily yearned for the year 1989, before the internet provided such easy access to pornography which was wreaking havoc in so many marriages. I handed her a tissue, leaned in close and waited for her to make eye contact with me. I wanted to make sure that when I responded to her, she was tuned in and emotionally regulated enough to hear me. I spoke slowly and carefully to emphasize a message I believed in, but which I knew was counter to popular culture.

I lowered my voice for emphasis. "As a female, I know about the prevailing messages you hear around you all the time in our image-driven society. I know pornography is everywhere and it feels hopeless. However, I must adamantly disagree with what you just said, and I hope you, or at least a part of you will be able to hear me. I must tell you that I see something quite different than you do from my work with couples. The way I see it, you actually have a huge advantage over pornography. You are a three-dimensional person who has the capacity to be a connected friend and lover in a way that pornography never can. Ultimately, pornography cannot furnish what you can potentially provide in a relationship. It leaves its users dissatisfied. You actually have the ultimate competitive advantage over pornography. The trick is to leverage those advantages."

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not naïve. I'm deeply aware of the proliferation and ubiquitous use of pornography and its resistance to treatment. I'm familiar with the neuroscience explaining some of the powerful reinforcing properties of internet porn and its associations with a unique physically rewarding delivery system, shaping the brain in profound ways. I have seen too many cases displaying some of the long-term effects of its use, and the relapses which so frequently plague its users.

However, I am resistant to the fear-mongering which routinely accompanies reports of pornography use, because I believe in many ways we give pornography more power than it deserves. Overwhelm and hopelessness generate powerlessness, and in couple relationships, this is death in the form of ultimate disconnection. When women believe they "can't compete," with porn, they often hand themselves over to sexless, friendless, lonely marriages, further victimizing themselves.

A typical scenario is one in which a husband is either caught or volunteers the information that he has been viewing porn. Since this is a betrayal of the committed sexual relationship in the eyes of many women, they end up feeling deeply wounded. They don't understand the porn use. They make sense of it by believing that they were somehow not "enough," for their husbands. They can't be physically intimate without worrying about what their husbands have been viewing, and if they are measuring up. If they have struggled to be engaged sexual partners, this exacerbates the personal feelings of failure. It is so painful, that they often just disengage from any attempt at a couple physical relationship at all.

Even though they aren't ever to blame for their partners' porn use, the withdrawal often increases the probability of a husband viewing pornography again to medicate the loneliness, which leads to more betrayal, and on the cycle goes. Both partners end up ultimately lonely and isolated and feel helpless about how to fix it. Husbands don't know how to fix the betrayal in the past and wives don't know how to ever trust their husbands or feel like they are "enough," making sexual contact too risky.

I do not want to minimize the pain and complexity in a marriage with a history of porn use. These situations are deeply personal and intense, highly nuanced, and often layered with sexual traumas and other sexual impediments. However, I believe it is a movement toward healing for women to realize how much they have to offer their long-term committed partners that pornography cannot offer. In a sense, I am hoping women will take their power back. This isn't meant to pin the responsibility for healing on the female partners, but to help them access hope that recovery is possible, and to increase their recognition of their unique value in long-term relationships.

Here's just a quick, off-the-cuff list of things a real committed partner can provide in a relationship that pornography cannot:

1. Words of reassurance 2. An intellectual discussion about an idea 3. A walk together 4. A pick-up tennis match 5. A recreational bike ride 6. A shoulder rub 7. A sincere, spontaneous compliment 8. An inside joke 9. A list of meaningful memories 10. A photo album of days of yore 11. Real friendship 12. Actual skin-to-skin contact, promoting the release of specific "bonding hormones."

My experience leads me to believe that both males and females alike ultimately want to feel emotionally and physically connected to their long-term partners. However, as life happens, they often get detached, and when porn is accessed by one of the partners, the ensuing betrayal makes it seem nearly impossible for them to find their way back to connection. I know it is painful, but giving up is not the answer.

Really, as a first step, we must stop giving pornography so much power

Pornography is in no way improving the overall quality of sexual relationships, but rather diminishing it. We are so flooded with sexual images that much of the mystery that historically fuels excitement is absent. In that regard, we are all victims, male and female alike.

We can improve our relationships by focusing on the unique aspects of real bonded togetherness which pornography completely lacks. Couples can also begin generating new conversations and new experiences together in order to unite against pornography, leaving it behind.

Again, the road may be long and rocky and likely circuitous, but there is a way back to recovery.

Choose one item from the list above and start taking your relationship power back today! Exercise your relationship power in a way that pornography cannot.

The post What you have to offer that pornography does not: A message to women appeared first on FamilyToday.

When my dad passed away a few years ago, one of the saddest things about it for me as the youngest of six children was that my younger children wouldn't experience his amazing personality. I was already sad that my mom was gone and my kids wouldn't be on the receiving end of her endless generosity. Research demonstrates consistently that grandparents are potentially significantly influential in the cognitive, social and emotional development of children. Positive grandparenting interactions are protective for children and can even moderate some negative childhood experiences.

I have had many opportunities to meet with people in therapy who are faced with various life transitions. Sometimes, there has been a rupture in the family structure with loss of family members due to death or divorce or children leaving home. Sometimes, there are job changes based on unemployment or retirement. Sometimes, normal aging processes and health challenges require transitions into new routines with limitations. In these situations, it is common to experience stress, often accompanied by fear of the unknown and discomfort with the unfamiliar. People often experience a type of existential angst about their identities, purpose and meaning.

Create a legacy through grandparenting

I like to introduce the idea of creating legacies through grandparenting, which is a frequently overlooked role in modern American life. I often ask, "Have you thought about what kind of grandparent you want to be? Do you realize how many potentially positive memories you can create for your grandchildren that can have a generational impact?" It's one of the few ways to really create an enduring legacy.

I only knew one of my four grandparents, but my little Swedish maternal grandmother was at the forefront of my life in shaping my identity and self-concept. I spent a lot of time with her when I was young while my mother was recovering from back surgery. Grandma had been widowed, and I kept her company while she kept me out of my mom's hair. Her nurturing was key in my experiencing the world as a safe and happy place.

Her memory jumps out at me in unexpected ways. The other day, I walked into a market and was ecstatic to see a display of seasonal persimmons for sale. I literally felt a wave of positive emotion connected to my maternal grandmother, who had introduced me to the unique fruit almost five decades earlier. I bought a bag of them and took them home. As I bit into one, I was transported to her green-carpeted family room floor, where I would lie, listening to Swedish learning records she would play for me every time I visited. I found that if I listened to the records and could then recite back to her many of the words I remembered, she would comment on how brilliant I was and brag to her friends about my intellectual skills. I didn't care that her exaggerations were inaccurate; it gave me the feeling that someone believed in me and fueled my motivation to learn.

Establish Rituals

She and I had established a ritual upon entering her home in which she would ask me if I wanted something to eat. She wasn't the type of grandma to bake cakes and cookies, but she always had produce that my mother didn't keep at our house. This included more practical simple dishes, like sautéed spinach with lemon on the side, which was my standard snack food at her home. She had a predilection toward unusual fruits and vegetables, and it seemed like every time I visited, she would introduce something new to my developing palate.

On one visit, she showed me how to eat an artichoke. On another, she made me sautéed parsnips, and to this day the nutty flavor and texture of parsnips is associated with a warm hug and smile from my grandmother. She introduced me to the small tangy kumquats that grew on a tree in her backyard, and eating them became a sort of Fear Factor challenge. I have developed a near-obsession with acquiring boiled peanuts, since she kept cans of them procured from relatives in my grandfather's native Florida. I am often bringing home unique fruits and vegetables to my children, and when I was explaining persimmons to my daughter and how my grandmother taught me how to eat them, she said, "Oh, that's why you like all those weird fruits and vegetables."

Be present

Grandma was persistently cheery and smiled a lot, and if I needed correction, she always used a gentle approach to redirect my actions. I don't ever remember her raising her voice at me. In her spare time, she had a practice of driving all of her widowed friends who no longer drove vehicles to their doctor appointments. She told me fascinating stories about when she was a child, like dancing around the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve in the Swedish tradition, or about sledding in Salt Lake City, Utah (her Swedish parents emigrated from Sweden to Utah in the late 1800s). For a southern California girl, the thought of having snow in my yard was surreal and I never tired of her descriptions.

In short, she was literally one of the friendliest and most service-oriented people I knew, and she made me feel like I was valuable in the world. When she died at age 90, and I helped dress her for her funeral, I was heavily impacted by the realization that none of her earthly possessions had followed her beyond mortality, but that the relationship she cultivated with me would potentially influence generations of people. Simply stated, intentional grandparenting is one of life's grandest gifts. I look forward to being a grandma. It matters.

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I believe in the concept of keeping romance alive in marriage (apologies to those who think marriage has nothing to do with romance - in my marriage, it does). However, I'm something of a romance curmudgeon when it comes to the silver screen.

Recently, my husband and I were trying to find a movie to attend, and decided to go see Nicholas Sparks' new movie. I'm always somewhat resistant to Sparks' movies because they so often seem schmaltzy and formulaic, and filled with delusions of destiny.

As I exited the theater, my husband asked me if I liked the movie, and I told him I felt annoyed ...

If we define true love, by the very real dopamine-induced twitterpation experienced early in a romantic connection which inevitably diminishes over time as relationships become more predictable and secure, then it might be easy to feel like our long-term relationships aren't "true" at all, and we are missing out. This is more dangerous when that feeling is used as a measuring stick for what is genuine. There is a very real physiological response in a new, exciting relationship, or in a secret affair, and people regularly mistakenly believe this feeling means that the relationship is somehow more legitimate than the long-term one which may seem prosaic in comparison. Over time, the long-term partner can even be viewed as the enemy, preventing "real happiness."

There have been actual reports of people ending their marriages after watching some of Sparks' movies, because they felt so disillusioned in their comparatively boring committed relationships.

I began wondering what I, as a couples therapist, would include in a really good true love romance, were I to write one (which I am certain will never happen) "¦ one in which the partners have set up a life together, complete with children. Just for fun, I used "romance," as an acronym.

A really good romance should include:

R for reality

As in real life. Like when your entire family begins vomiting in the middle of the night, and you and your husband both have somewhere to go the following morning, and you stay up all night cleaning up truckloads of vomit, and scrubbing the carpet, and you are cranky, and stinky "¦ oh, and the mortgage was due yesterday and well, you get it.

O for obstacle

As in unemployment. As in chronic or devastating mental or physical illness. As in your preschoolers deciding while you are nursing a baby that it would be a good idea to mix the rice, flour and sugar bins together, put some of the mixture in the dishwasher, and then top it off with just the right amount of maple syrup for good measure, and you found out 15 minutes before you are supposed to have your baby at the doctor.

As in your kids discovering that if you stomp on Christmas lights while they are still screwed into the string, on your garage floor, it makes a really cool popping, crunchity sound, so they must stomp on ALL of them, on ALL of the strings - even the ones stored in the Christmas boxes on the shelf - rendering them useless and leaving miniscule shards of glass strewn about which, like the demon glitter, will find their way into your house months after evading the Shop-Vac "¦ I could go on "¦

M for Memory

Memory is always being constructed, and has everything to do with the narrative we tell ourselves. People who want to stay married tell their marriage story with the positive things at the forefront. Like, do I want to remember the time my husband and I had one car and he left me standing in the freezing cold because he forgot to come get me, pre-cell phone days, or do I want to remember the time I had been out of town and walked into my room and there were dozens of floral bouquets everywhere? Be careful of entertaining narratives that someone else was your true love. Brains remember things better (or worse) than they were. Memories are also notoriously inaccurate and more fluid than most people want to admit.

A for Attitude

Whether you focus on the positive or negative elements of your relationship is completely within your control. I can focus on the fact that my husband can step over a clean basket of clothes that needs to be brought up stairs and folded, for a seemingly indefinite amount of time (since I gave up on the experiment after five days) instead of picking it up and folding it himself, or I can focus on the fact that my husband never complained about a wife who asked him to please bring that basket of clothes up the stairs and fold it after it sat there for five days.

N for Negotiation

Negotiation is ongoing and necessary for romance to work out. Like when your husband wants to go to a Nicholas Sparks movie, but you really want to go see that action film (patience, dear reader "¦ I threw that in to see if my husband is really reading my posts like he says).

C for Commitment

This is the most important variable in long-term relationship durability, and is necessary with any romance. C is also for "children," who benefit from having parents who they can tell are in love, or who can distract you from your couple relationship because they are dependent on you for their survival. They are also guaranteed to make you both laugh and cry.

E for Effort

A good romance requires work, plain and simple, and it's not always rainbows and unicorns. Once, when I had small children, I was feeling resentful because my husband was traveling for business, and I didn't like the way I was feeling about him, mostly because I was envious that he was able to go to the bathroom by himself. I tried to think of what I could do for him, and I remembered the pile of shirts that needed missing buttons replaced, which I had successfully hidden underneath my more interesting sewing projects so that he would forget about them. I got them out and put buttons on eight shirts and surprised him with them when he got home. Seeing how appreciative he was made me happy. Romantic indeed.

Please, enjoy romance, but get your education about romance outside of Hollywood.

The post Too many ‘sparks’ in your romance may set fire to your marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

My husband and I recently took our two youngest children to a concert. They were situated between us, and I placed my arm behind my daughter across the seat back. Seconds later, my husband reached out to hold my hand, and the reach was just long enough that our fingers were barely touching. I had an instant recognition of a moment 27 years earlier when my husband reached out to take my hand for the first time.

The first time he held my hand was in many ways more sensual than our first kiss. We had actually developed a platonic friendship for several months before we had any kind of physical contact. The first time he reached for my hand, I had an instantaneous "butterflies in the stomach," response, likely heightened from months of delayed touch.

That night at the concert, I noticed that I felt some of the same excitement as the first time he held my hand almost three decades earlier. Just as I made the association with the earlier memory, my cell phone vibrated. I looked down to see a text from my husband, sitting two seats away, reading, "Remember the first time we held hands?" He had felt it, too.

Affectionate, non-sexual touch is so powerful in intimate couple relationships, yet it is often one of the first things to go. As couples progress in their relationships, physical contact often becomes goal-oriented, where all roads lead to intercourse, removing any of the unpredictability and playfulness that accompanied earlier physical encounters in the relationship.

Couples in therapy often report that they have very limited physical affectionate touch; some even report that they purposely avoid it altogether because they don't want to invite the possibility of a closer physically intimate relationship which may lead to sex.

For couple relationships which have been exposed to periods of disconnection or betrayals or other hurtful interactions, risking any physical contact may seem insurmountable. In the words of one client, the thought of engaging in any kind of sexual relationship with her husband seemed, "too hard "¦ like climbing Mt. Everest." It was not even something she could imagine.

If a couple has laid down a foundation of emotional safety in the relationship, which may take longer with individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or abuse, then engaging in non-sexual touch is often a gateway to developing deeper intimacy. It helps people have experiences with safe, positive touch, and can actually broaden and expand the possibilities for a deeper connection. It can also help people rediscover the power of intentionality and slowing down in physical encounters.

Here are four ways to rediscover touch in your relationship:

1. Rediscover the art of hand-holding

Slow down. Talk about the first time you held hands. Make this the most sensual hand-holding session you can. Offer to give each other hand massages.

2. Rediscover the hug

In a world that is so fast-paced and toxic, a warm embrace can be a very comforting and yet sensual experience. Notice what happens inside your body when you slow down and embrace your partner. See if you can synchronize your breathing with your partner's.

3. Rediscover the kiss

There have been entire books written about the art of the kiss, with many variations. Just for fun, you can try a new kind of kiss every day.

4. Rediscover eye contact

Whether it's from across the room or with noses touching, eye contact can be incredibly connecting. I can often gauge the distress levels of my couples based on their unwillingness to make eye contact with each other "¦ it feels too vulnerable. If you want to deepen closeness with a partner, slow down and make eye contact.

Overall, the goal of this kind of touch is that it is NOT GOAL-ORIENTED, but it can generate an environment over time which can support a healthy physically intimate relationship.

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