There are nine words that are music to a marital therapist's ears.

"We came in before there was a real problem."

My heart jumps for joy. This very wise couple hasn't waited until a crisis has hit. No one is flirting with a coworker. Vicious, repetitive arguments aren't heard late at night. Or perhaps worse, steely silence doesn't define the week, where the only words spoken have been about the details of soccer practice.

If only that were the norm.

Many couples don't do maintenance on their relationship. Instead, they're inundated with normal distractions - getting a promotion, piles of laundry, figuring out how to make the car run one more year, helping with math homework. The list goes on and on. The erosion of their relationship - if they still have a sense of relationship - can take a back seat.

Problematic patterns may begin to entrench themselves, as when heavy rains run down a hill and create deep gashes in the soil. When it rains again, the water will travel exactly where the gashes have worn themselves into the dirt. Behavior and communication between two people are the same. When there's a storm - when there's conflict or disappointment - both people can find themselves saying and doing exactly what they said and did before, not even recognizing what is propelling them forward.

"I don't know why I can't stop myself, but I say the same hurtful things I've said before. And then some."

"I know if I walk away, she'll get mad, but I do it anyway. I don't know what else to do."

This is a problem. When trust is damaged, when you're not sure you even like your partner anymore, when words have been spoken that are difficult to forget, it can feel like it's too late. You can give yourself permission, out of hurt or anger, to turn away emotionally. Detachment begins, and you imagine a fresh start, a new relationship before you've even attempted to fix what's wrong with the one you're in.

But how about that couple that comes in before those patterns begin their ominous control? What are they doing that's different?

First, they are likely two people who take their fair share of the responsibility for the patterns they've created. And they realize they just might be able to stop the rain before it begins.

Second, they're doing maintenance. Prevention.

Much of the time, couples aren't proactive. Their relationship is nearly in ruins before they seek help. What's the rationale that's getting in their way of considering therapy?

Misconception #1: Therapy involves giving up control

"Some stranger isn't going to tell me what to do."

There is a huge misperception out there that therapy is somehow like school. The therapist is the teacher, she or he has all the answers, and you, the student, are assigned tasks which are your responsibility to perform. The assumption that the therapist has this kind of authority can set up understandable defensiveness and rebellion before therapy has even begun.

A good therapist has objectivity and experience. They act as a consultant would, seeing the problems you're describing in the context of the hundreds of stories they've heard. They may connect present-day issues with your past, or notice behavior or communication patterns that are harder for you to see. It's the same as a coach watching your golf swing, or a chef tasting the food you've prepared. They have their insight to offer into your choices.

Therapists consult - they don't rule.

Misconception #2: Excuses of money, time and availability

"Therapy costs too much, it takes too much time, and you can't find a therapist when you need one anyway."

These are very common excuses. And they have answers. Many therapists will work with you on the financial aspect of receiving their services. Their time has a tangible cost, but so does divorce.

Citing concerns about money or time or availability can, instead, be a veil for a struggle with being vulnerable.

My father-in-law used to joke, "People pay to talk to you?" In many ways, his teasing revealed an important point.

There's a misconception that therapy is all about talk. Words. It's not. Therapy is a specific kind of relationship - a focus on you and what you want to change in your life. Your therapist's job is to carefully understand and hold your emotions - your hurt, your anger - and help you work through them. She or he is emotionally present with you, helping you to maneuver through whatever is causing pain. For couples, the work for a therapist becomes to provide that compassion and support for both, even though there can be vast disagreement and conflict.

The therapeutic relationship can feel vulnerable. And it's that fear or discomfort with vulnerability that can fuel a defense. It costs ultimately more to ignore the problem and refuse to consider help.

Misconception #3: There is distrust about privacy and anonymity

"I don't want anyone to know my (our) business."

There's no getting around this one. At its root is a struggle with shame. If you're $50,000 dollars in debt, if you've got an addiction, if you were abused as a child, if you meticulously clean your house at 3:00 a.m. - those things are important for a therapist to know. Or they can't help.

Yet they are all difficult to reveal. We can carry intense shame for problems we may have created or we experience due to our genetic background, as well as blaming ourselves for abuse or neglect that's happened to us. Recognizing trauma for what it is, respecting and understanding our genetic inheritance, and letting go of shame is a huge part of therapeutic work.

It takes courage to reveal.

Check out Dr. Margaret on her new podcast, Self Work With Dr. Margaret. In each episode, Dr. Margaret takes a direct, solution-oriented approach to depression, anxiety, trauma or grief to guide you toward the changes you want.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Dr. Margaret Rutherford's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 3 lies that keep couples away from therapy appeared first on FamilyToday.

I have two distinct memories that involve eating. One horrified me, the other brought a sense of being understood.

I, like most others, had a small fridge in my dorm room in college. I was beginning to develop anorexia but did not know at the time. I was eating less and less and receiving all kinds of accolades for becoming thin.

One afternoon, I ran back to my room and I was terribly hungry. I hadn't quite reached the stage of anorexia where you mentally and emotionally detach from your body. The first thing I did was lean down, open the fridge door, and reach for something- anything - that might fill me up. I stuffed it in my mouth, like a dog who hadn't been fed for days. Then I sensed something. I looked up and my boyfriend was sitting in the corner watching me. And laughing a bit.

Never mind that was pretty boundary-less behavior on his part. I don't think I swallowed. I was instantly full of shame - for being seen as so very out of control. He was a nice guy and I'm sure it did look funny.

It only made me want to have more control.

Fast forward twenty years later. My husband was walking down the hall of our home and could see me sitting on the den couch. I'd learned I wasn't pregnant, again, after three years of infertility treatment. I was handling those feelings by polishing off a big bag of Ruffles potato chips. He walked in the room as I was reaching for the bottom of the bag, trying to get the crumbs stuck to my fingers so I could lick them off.

Dried tears were on my face. Some talk show blared on the TV.

All he kindly said, after looking at me and the bag, was, "Do you want another one?"

No shaming. No laughter. Just empathy.

I knew I'd married the right guy.

These two events, one couched in the development of an actual eating disorder, the other - the seeking of comfort through eating - have stuck in my mind for years.

What did eating mean at those times?

It's important to recognize the difference between an actual eating disorder, such as binge-eating, and plain old comfort eating. The first is a mental illness that tends to begin in adolescence and young adulthood. The two major characteristics of binge eating are:

1. Eating in a fairly short period of time a much larger amount of food than what most people would eat.

2. A lack of control over that eating. It doesn't feel like a choice. It's more like a compulsion.

But it can be triggered by emotions. Web MDstates: Nearly half of all people with a binge eating disorder have a history of depression, although the exact nature of the link is unclear. Many people report that anger, sadness, boredom, anxiety, or other negative emotions can trigger an episode of binge eating. Impulsive behavior and other psychological problems also seem to be more common in people with binge eating disorder.

What's the difference?

My friend Dr. Amy Sheinberg, who specializes in eating disorders, tells usEach are generally associated with a trigger, but a binge suggests a compulsive need to eat large quantities of food (not necessarily comfort foods, but foods that are generally labeled "red light" foods) in a discrete period of time. Soothing may be a sought-after effect of a binge, but bingeing can also be associated with other effects, including self-punishment. Comfort eating, while not a clinical term, is almost exclusively for self-soothing. Foods chosen are generally associated with past memories that are recalled with fondness. There is no defined pace, and, in fact, the food consumed may be eaten in normal portions.

So it sounds like "comfort eating," if it happens once in a while, isn't a problem. Having chocolate meringue pie for breakfast can seem like a great idea if you're in a funk.

When does comfort eating become a problem?

It's widely agreed that these are the major reasons.

• Eating when you're not hungry.

• Eating when you're bored or/and lonely.

• Eating to distract or avoid painful emotions.

• Eating because you don't know how to comfort yourself in other ways.

• Eating because you're ashamed of or even hate your body.

If you're turning to food often to put you in a different emotional space, these reasons lead us directly to other answers.

1. Ask yourself the question, "Am I really hungry? And if so, what am I hungry for?"

Research shows, for example, that often we're thirsty or not hungry at all. Getting in tune with what you're hungry for lends intentionality to eating. "I'm hungry for something really fresh tasting," can feel very different than, "I'm hungry for anything." "Do I want one Hershey's kiss or do I need 15 kisses?" Go to a nutritionist to help you figure out your relationship with different foods.

2. Food can act as a friend — there when you need it

But it's not. Not really. The more we isolate and hover over iPads, the more food may be acting as our hangout buddy. Reach out to someone instead, and it will be much more rewarding.

3. Grief, sadness, guilt, anger, disappointment, humiliation. None of these emotions are easy to feel. Yet the more you avoid them, the stronger they can become.

And it becomes a cycle. You have to eat more to handle the growing feelings. You can choose to stop that cycle. Journal. Go to therapy. Talk to a friend. Sit with the feelings. Cry. Vent. Chop wood. Scream. Do anything that will help that's not self-destructive or hurts someone else.

4. Try other ways of comforting yourself

Read. Walk. Watch an old movie. Talk. Stretch. Meditate. Laugh. Paint. Do something else that helps you feel better.

5. Self-acceptance is paramount to good mental health

It's not resignation. It's accepting yourself as you are, where you are, and how you got there. It's practicing self-compassion. You can then work on something, but not from a place of shame. Chronic shame is paralyzing.

Check out Dr. Margaret on her new podcast, Self Work With Dr. Margaret. In each episode, Dr. Margaret takes a direct, solution-oriented approach to depression, anxiety, trauma or grief to guide you toward the changes you want.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Dr. Margaret Rutherford's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Do you binge or eat based on your emotions? These 5 things may be the solution appeared first on FamilyToday.

When I introduce myself, I often tell folks I blog. The follow-up question generally is, "What do you write about?"

"It started with empty nest. I called it NestAche."

They usually think I said NestEGG, so we have to go through all that. "Money management?" "No, no," I quickly protest. But after an understanding has been reached, marvelous discussions have occurred through the last five years. About children. Parents. Letting go. Midlife.

One of those conversations happened a while back. Lisa was a friend of a friend - bright, articulate, funny and very successful in her work and life. She told me that her nest had felt much emptier since her only child, a daughter, had married. Her daughter is very happy, but Lisa struggled feeling like a "third thumb."

"It's much worse than when she left for college."

She hated to admit the feeling, since it sounded as if she wasn't pleased for her daughter, which wasn't at all true. We theorized that perhaps her feelings might change if her daughter had children. Or that this might be a time her daughter needed to establish more independence, and build her relationship with her new husband.

It wasn't that she was rejecting her mom. It might be a difficult adjustment, but feeling rejected would only complicate things. It was important not to personalize what was normal.

This began my own thinking. Was I replaceable? I started imagining what the future might hold, and began wondering how I would handle my own child getting married. Anticipatory grieving is a process I firmly believe in. It's not living in dread or spending a lot of time worrying. But realizing what might be hard for you in the future gives you a chance to consider options - come up with ways you know you're going to handle things.

It's a way of building skills

When I think about my son having a girlfriend or even a wife, I can handle that. In fact, that's already happened, and I simply moved over.

But I have to be honest. There is something that might stop me in my tracks, something I'm willing to admit I might even dread. My son developing a relationship with another maternal figure. Now that's gonna be hard.

Whew. The mother-in-law.

What will it be like to share holidays? What if he calls her "Mom?"

What if her meatballs are better than mine?

It's plain old insecurity - the fear of being replaced, of losing importance

This is, thank goodness, when my more rational self takes over.

No one is replaceable. Love is not quantifiable. The more that exists, the more that can be created.

And it's important not to allow silly fear to govern me - to remember what a rational mind knows. For Lisa, and for me.

And if my son's future mother-in-law is out there, reading this?

I may need your meatball recipe.

Check out Dr. Margaret on her new podcast, Self Work With Dr. Margaret. In each episode, Dr. Margaret takes a direct, solution-oriented approach to depression, anxiety, trauma or grief to guide you toward the changes you want.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Dr. Margaret Rutherford's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Feel replaceable? Here’s the secret to battle this common fear appeared first on FamilyToday.

Sometimes I get emails that tear me up with their honesty and vulnerability.

Here's one that was recent.

"I have always struggled with my weight, despite healthy eating and exercise ... While I have never been obese, I have always been above-average and so, body image has become a target for my mental illness to unleash upon. I purposefully avoid mirrors, cringe at photos of myself and tell myself that when something does not work out romantically for me, the reason is my weight and body size.

I look at other women and recognize that they are not better than me in any realm except they are thin and I am not. It becomes the common denominator in all of my unhappiness.

I'm not even sure the obvious solution (drastic measures to lose weight) will provide me with comfort I seek.

I guess my question is, how do I separate my body image (from) self-worth and how do I learn to love the body I have?"

This is the six million dollar question for so many.

Wherever you fall on the spectrum of underweight, overweight, bigger boobs, no boobs - you can despise the way you look. And that self-loathing, as the writer above indicates, can only feed depression and demoralization. When it turns really sour, it can develop into "body dysmorphia," which is critically obsessing about a certain part of your body, and doing all kinds of "things" to change it.

Women in our culture are constantly exposed to photo-shopped adolescent models, selling everything from the right purse to the newest aging cream. Men are sadly being affected as well - the whole "dad bod" thing versus six-pack (or eight or ten) abs craze.

Our culture may be changing slowly. Brands are using more diverse body types. There are Facebook pages and workout groups, encouraging healthy lifestyleway over how thin your waist is.

But how many of you click that link on social media that promises the loss of ten pounds? Even if you tell yourself, "This is stupid. They're just trying to sell me something..." But you click.

Whatever shame you carry about your body is controlling your fingers. And your mind

Years ago, I was struggling with body image, leftover from what had been a journey with anorexia. My therapist told me to go home, take off all my clothes, and sit in front of a mirror. I was supposed to talk to myself about what I liked.

I was horrified. But I did it.

That exercise has stuck in my mind. It may have been the first time I'd searched for something positive to say about my body, rather than raking it, and me, over the proverbial coals.

What are three ways that you can begin to work on a more positive body image? And that have little to do with actual weight loss?

1. Stop shaming yourself

Shame will not help you. Shame will not lead you to make positive change. All shame will do is keep you stuck.

"I've got such fat ankles."

"Look at the way my nose juts out."

"I need to lose at least 100 pounds before anyone would be interested in me."

You can tune in to what your shame is repeating over and over, and confront it.

"Is this helpful right now? Is this what I'd tell my best friend?" If not, stop, even if you have to yell at yourself. "Stop!" Then replace that thinking with positive comments.

Sit in front of mirror naked, if you like. But replace the shame with affirmation.

2. Give yourself encouragement in becoming who you want to be

I loved what a recent gastric patient told me. She was focusing on "non-scale success," meaning good things that were happening that weren't about some number on the scale. Walking in the park with fewer stops, and fitting more easily behind the steering wheel of her car were two that come to mind.

Again, her goal was weight loss. But this could be true of anyone trying to love their body shape or size.

"I'm laughing more than I used to, when I'd weigh myself four times a day."

"I got through an office lunch meeting without worrying about how I looked eating."

"Someone told me I looked nice today, and I simply said, "Thank you."

Notice the things that are changing, mentally, physically and emotionally, and enjoy them. Give yourself credit for positive change.

3. Get connected and risk being visible

Think about it. The first thing someone sees about us is something about our bodies. We're short, we're tall. We're blonde, we're red-headed. We're white, we're black.

If you hate parts of your body, you may isolate, not wanting anyone to see what you see. Never mind that what you see is highly likely to be completely irrational, if it's based on shame and self-loathing. You may go to work, and come home, or do things for your kids, but never do anything that's about you, where the attention might focus on you.

Is the best way to confront this tendency to hole up and hide? Start slowly, but begin to reach out.

In the grocery store check-out line, make small talk with the cashier. Call an old high school friend and catch up. Go to an early church service or a late mass. Volunteer for a small role in your child's school. Volunteer to walk dogs at a local shelter, or take up tickets at a fundraiser.

Do anything you can possibly think of to begin building relationships and most importantly, to feel engaged with others - to be visible to others.

This isn't an easy journey. It takes time and practice. You will feel extremely vulnerable.

But vulnerability makes you stronger. And you can do it.

Check out Dr. Margaret on her new podcast, Self Work With Dr. Margaret. In each episode, Dr. Margaret takes a direct, solution-oriented approach to depression, anxiety, trauma or grief to guide you toward the changes you want.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Dr. Margaret Rutherford's website. It has been republished here with permission

The post How to NOT hate your body: 3 ideas that work and have little to do with weight loss appeared first on FamilyToday.

When my dad died, I knew something had changed forever.

My dad was very open with his love. One of his favorite things to say when I'd made a mess of things was, "You can always come home." He'd send me a hand-written letter when things were tough, often quoting scripture, but always with a supportive, guiding message that reminded me of what was really important in life. And I knew how his eyes would light up when he saw me, especially when I no longer lived in the same city as him and my mom. I'm sure my brothers saw that same light.

I know my husband loves me, but let's face it, I'd have to be gone a long time before his eyes lit up. We've been together way too long.

My dad's love was probably the purest love I'd ever experienced.

I was very lucky.

As a therapist, I've heard hundreds of stories of children, now adults, who suffered terribly at the hands of the very people who were supposed to care for them. And yet, there's a frequent tendency to somehow discount the pain of what was their "childhood." They didn't actually ever get to be children, but had to grow up almost instantaneously in order to handle day after day of being ridiculed, demeaned, abused or forgotten.

"I can't remember too much of it. It's a blur. What I do remember is all the fighting."

"I just did what I had to do. I tried to stay out of his way when he was drunk."

"One day my mom would be so sweet, but the next she'd come after me with a vengeance."

"I didn't tell anyone, but I was always hungry."

Healing isn't about going back and blaming parents for whatever their shortcomings were. Blame will likely leave you stuck, paralyzed in bitterness, anger or even fear. You risk still living in the past. And you may walk around with a huge chip on your shoulder. The world will owe you for the crummy childhood you had.

Healing is about acknowledgment.

Your past doesn't imprison you. But understanding and dealing with its impact helps you make connections that can free you from its pain.

So how do you heal from the hurts of the past?

1. Acknowledge the reality of what happened

How do you acknowledge the past? It's allowing yourself to realize how growing up within your circumstances - both good and bad - affected you. Staying in a place of denial or discounting the impact of an abusive or neglectful home will only keep you emotionally stuck. You'll be much more likely to act out the consequences of it, without realizing what you're doing.

Here's an example. My husband and I used to fight about money. Then one day, he said to me, "Do you realize you're treating me like your dad treated your mom?" I was stunned at first, but then realized he was exactly right. I didn't want to live out my mother's more submissive, 1950s role with money that I was overcompensating. A lot.

Acknowledgment shed light on what I hadn't seen until then. It put the pieces together. Call it insight. Call it understanding. Whatever.

We've never fought about money since.

2. Have compassion for yourself

If a child ran up to you and had a bleeding gash in his arm, you wouldn't say, "Just be glad it's not broken." You'd help them stop the bleeding and give them comfort.

That's what compassion is - seeing pain, having empathy for what's causing it and then trying to do something about it. You can do that for yourself. That's not self-pity. That's not wallowing. In fact, it's likely to lead you to more quickly move on and not wallow at all.

3. Allow your pain to surface

This is harder than it sounds. Feeling all of your emotions can be tough. You may be totally walled off from painful emotions. You may tell yourself that it's not enjoyable to feel sad or angry, or you may actually fear feeling pain. You may have become accustomed to either not feeling anything, or staying stuck in one emotion or the other. Perhaps you're more comfortable with anger and everything makes you mad. Or, you remain afraid and worry all the time.

Risking change - risking feeling something that's been denied - can be scary but very rewarding.

4. Reveal what you experienced to someone you trust

Learning how to soothe your own emotional pain gives you safety that perhaps you never had as a child. Don't forget that there are people who want to understand and help you.

Whether it's your partner, a good friend or a therapist, there's someone who'll be willing to listen - but only if you reach out.

It's a wonderful gift to give and to receive.

Check out Dr. Margaret on her new podcast, Self Work With Dr. Margaret. In each episode, Dr. Margaret takes a direct, solution-oriented approach to depression, anxiety, trauma or grief to guide you toward the changes you want.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Dr. Margaret Rutherford's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post How do you heal from parents who hurt you? appeared first on FamilyToday.

She looks great. Smiling. Not overly done up. She has what looks like a good marriage, maybe a couple of kids. Maybe she has her own career outside of being a mom; maybe not. If she does, her life looks balanced. She's still close with her parents. Involved with the school; knows what's going on with her children. She's in organizations that help others. Maybe church-based, maybe not.

She's in a book club, and goes out with the girls. They all talk about needing to lose a little weight.

She looks like she's got it all together.

Maybe you are her, or some version of her. Maybe you know someone like her.

Her friends will tell you, "She's a fantastic friend, Always there for you when you need her." Strangely enough, they don't seem to know what kind of deeper issues she might have.

No one really sees her

There's nothing innately unhealthy with the picture I've just painted - a woman who is devoted to being a mom, a daughter, a wife, a friend or a professional. Maybe she is someone who is more introspective, or less likely than others to be vulnerable. Or maybe he's a guy, with a very similar lifestyle.

If it's a choice, that's one thing. But could she be intentionally creating this persona?

She might be a Perfectly Hidden Depressed Person. PHDP. Or almost perfectly hidden.

We all develop a persona of how we handle ourselves in public. I myself have the persona of "jokester." I try to make people laugh to ease my own anxiety. People do other things. There are "wall-huggers." "Big talkers."

The PHDP is more likely to be the "hostess," to take care of everyone's needs. She doesn't make anything about her at all.

Perfectly hidden depressed people feel trapped by their own secrets

They finally may end in my office. "I don't know why I am here. My life is so blessed! I think I am just whining."

Tears may appear, but not always. I hear about self-loathing or thoughts that creep into her thinking of simply driving off or going away.

You can have blessings in your life and feel their weight

Just because you are admitting that doesn't mean you are not grateful for those same blessings.

That's ludicrous.

If I won the lottery, that might seem outstanding. Would I also feel fear? Anxiety about that? Sure. If you are a great beauty, our culture would deem that a stupendous blessing. But would it be hard to garner all that attention? Yep. Doesn't mean you're not grateful.

"I have many close good friends." "I have 4 wonderful kids." "I a

m extremely involved in my career." "I survived breast cancer." All great things.

They can involve anxiety at the same time.

There is another extremely important aspect of PHDP. Frequently, something has happened before all these "blessings" occurred. Something painful that has never been healed or even addressed. That, coupled with the energy it takes to maintain the perfect-looking life?

It's a set-up for someone trying to look fantastic on the outside - and feeling quite another way on the inside.

The PHDP needs understanding, coping and self-care strategies as much as the next guy. Whether man or woman.

It's learning to balance. To accept. To admit vulnerability. To talk

Before your depression gains more power.

So please, count your blessings. But know that you don't have to hide.

_Check out Dr. Margaret on her new podcast, Self Work With Dr. Margaret. Each podcast features a different topic, and you can listen while you're driving or walking - at your leisure! Just click here!

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Dr. Margaret Rutherford's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Do you put on a happy face but feel empty? You may be a perfectly hidden depressed person appeared first on FamilyToday.

My husband and I have been married almost 27 years.

For the last few months, we've been trying out Blue Apron, the refrigerated box that brings weekly meals and recipes to your door.

His words the other morning were, and I quote, "I'm liking Blue Apron. It's nice after soooo loooong together to have something new to look forward to."

I laughed ... luckily.

I've given lots of thought to how a good marriage or long-term relationship changes you. What exactly is it that causes us to look forward to coming in the back door after a long day and hear your other half puttering around the kitchen?

What do we get out of being partnered for many years? What keeps us from moving on to a newer model - something where we might be able to experience that lust/love of so long ago? Why do we keep our role in this particular play and not yearn for a spicier part?

Here are seven answers to those questions.

1. Watching someone else live their life very differently than you expands your very being.

There is a widespread belief that dogs and their owners start to look like each other. So what happens when your companion is human?

When you share your life for a long time with someone else, you begin to absorb some of their perceptions - not to where you necessarily adopt them yourself, but you can realize there's a whole other way of looking at things. You may have to "agree to disagree," but even the discussion changes you.

You expand how you take in the world.

2. Seeing someone else falter, make mistakes or downright fail in such an intimate way leads to more compassion - for them and for yourself.

You watch him lose his job and become depressed. You watch her work way too hard and burn out. You observe each other trying to parent - the toughest job of all. Perhaps you would've judged in the past, but you're not as likely to anymore. You recognize with the years that no one is always successful - everyone will struggle. You're still worth being loved.

3. You experience true trust

Feeling loved for all of who you are, warts and all, builds an immense level of trust. And loving someone, for all of who they are, knowing their vulnerabilities, is a tremendous gift.

It's not that we can't see our partner's weaknesses, but in a healthy partnership, we come to understand them and love them anyway.

4. Having a daily touchstone lends a sense of security

Someone knows where you are and what you're doing with your day. Even though it may be pseudo-security, or a false sense of control, it's still helpful. None of us know what will happen in any given day. But knowing someone is keeping track of you feels good.

Sadly, this is often the reason why people stay unhappily married. They're scared to be by themselves. I'm not knocking this - being alone is hard.

5. Compromising helps you stay open and giving

If it's acquiescence, it doesn't work. If it's martyrdom or dictatorship, it doesn't either. But healthy compromise - not always getting things the way you want them and realizing what the other wants or needs is important as well - keeps you focused on others, not just yourself. Through the years, you both help each other experience what you want or can have from life.

Compromising leads to gratitude and celebration.

6. You've lived with integrity

When I divorced the second time, I was afraid I didn't "have what it took" to be married. Perhaps I was weak or not able to sustain loyalty. Maybe I was a whiner or selfish. There was a lot of shame.

With time, the ache of failure has dissipated and the acknowledgement that I have the capacity to get through hard times has been proven.

That's a really good feeling. Whatever kind of vow or promise you made, you're keeping it. You've lived with integrity.

7. You have an unparalleled depth of experience with your partner

After a divorce, I frequently hear, "What I miss is looking across the room when my daughter does something awesome. He would be looking back at me, with the same proud look in his eyes as I knew were in mine. I really miss that."

Long-term relationships have an innate complexity to them, not to be found in their newer counterparts. The threads between two people are woven in an intricate pattern of light and dark, shimmer and shade. Pull one thread and the others shift in response.

Let's face it. Sometimes, marriage is boring. You hear (and tell) the same stories over and over. You watch yourself and your partner getting older. You get irritated by the same things that have always irritated you and will continue to irritate you.

Hang in there. Wait until the play is over.

There's lots of good stuff that happens after the intermission.

Check out Dr. Margaret on her new podcast, Self Work With Dr. Margaret. In each episode, Dr. Margaret takes a direct, solution-oriented approach to depression, anxiety, trauma or grief to guide you toward the changes you want.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Dr. Margaret Rutherford's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 7 reasons to stick with your marriage (even if you think your relationship is boring) appeared first on FamilyToday.

There is a kind of depression that we in psychology are missing.

It's not easy to detect, because people who have it, hide it.

They know what they are doing, in a way. But it's been their go-to way of coping for so long, it simply seems like who they are. Or who they have become.

They may not even realize it's depression.

I call it Perfectly Hidden Depression

If they enter therapy, they won't meet criteria for minor depression, called dysthymia, because they will look far too confident, too well-connected, too into what they are doing. They'll tell you that their lives are going great, and that they have so much to be grateful for.

They won't qualify as having major depression, because they are far from isolated, they don't cry or seem to have no energy. They won't admit any feelings of wanting to hurt themselves. They love a lot of what they're doing, they have high expectations that they have set and work very hard on reaching them.

So how could they be depressed? A little high-strung, or not getting enough rest. Perfectionistic. Maybe worry is something they do a lot.

It's depression all right. It's simply hidden beneath a lifetime of acting as if everything was and is fine. It's perfectly hidden depression.

It's not true contentment or authenticity ...

• Because there are secrets. And where there are secrets, there is loneliness.

• Because there is little self-care or compassion for self. And where there is lack of compassion, there is criticism.

• Because this way of life, the perfectly hidden life, doesn't feel like a choice. And where there is lack of choice or freedom, there is enslavement - there are "shoulds," "musts," and "have to's" that govern their lives.

Answer 'Yes' or 'No' to the following questions to help you see if you might have attributes of perfectly hidden depression.

1. Do you struggle with confiding in others - especially about your real-life difficulties and problems?

2. Do you obsess about things looking perfect, both for yourself and through others' eyes?

3. Do you avoid talking to your partner (or your friends) about feeling hurt by them, or about a growing resentment you might have?

4. Do you have trouble sleeping or turning your mind off at night?

5. Do you have trouble admitting when you're feeling overwhelmed?

6. Do you push yourself to get the job done, regardless of the cost to you?

7. Do you respond to the needs of your friends even when it can short-change your own?

8. Did you grow up in a family where feelings of sadness or pain were avoided, or where you were criticized or punished for expressing them?

9. Have you ever been hurt emotionally, physically or sexually, and told no one? Or if you did tell someone, you weren't believed or supported?

10. Did you grow up in a family (or are you still experiencing a family) where you felt like you had to meet defined expectations rather than being allowed to be yourself?

11. Do you like to have control of a situation if you're going to be involved?

12. Do you have a growing sense that it's becoming harder to maintain an organized structure in your life?

13. If so, do you feel anxiety or even panic?

14. Do you tend to not cry or rarely cry?

15. Are you considered ultra-responsible, the one that can always be counted on by your co-workers or family and friends?

16. Do you think that taking time for yourself is selfish?

17. Do you dislike people considering themselves "victims"-that it's not their fault when something goes wrong?

18. Did you grow up being taught that you were supposed to handle painful things on your own? That asking for help reflected weakness?

19. Do you strongly believe in focusing on the positives in your life, or "counting your blessings"?

20. Do you have a critical, nagging inner voice telling you you're not good enough, or that you could have tried harder, even though you accomplished your goal?

21. Do you outwardly seem hopeful and energetic while, at times, you struggle with a sense of being trapped?

22. Do you make lists of tasks to get done during the day, and if they are not completed, feel frustrated or like a failure?

23. Were you an older child in a family where parents weren't available, and you took care of your younger siblings?

24. Did you have to care for an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional parent as a child?

25. Were you told that you were extremely special to one parent, and felt that you needed to please them in order to maintain their emotional stability?

Count up your 'yes' and 'no' responses. If you had:

• 5-8 'Yes': You're likely to be a very responsible person, though you may need to consider taking more time for yourself.
• 9-11 'Yes': Your life is being governed by highly perfectionistic standards, which may be detrimental to your well-being.
• 12+ 'Yes': May reflect the presence of PHD, or a depression that you deny (or are unaware of). You do this by intentionally creating a happy, perfect façade.

Lots of driven, accomplished people share these traits, or have these dynamics in their history. Often, they lead to success and happiness. When many of them are present, you are likely to experience perfectly hidden depression.

Check out Dr. Margaret on her new podcast, Self Work With Dr. Margaret. In each episode, Dr. Margaret takes a direct, solution-oriented approach to depression, anxiety, trauma or grief to guide you toward the changes you want.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Dr. Margaret Rutherford's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Do you have perfectly hidden depression? Answer these questions to find out appeared first on FamilyToday.

Anger.

There's a lot of it out there.

My office is on a narrow, one-way street and there was a big cement truck traveling the wrong way the other day. It pulled over to let me by, and I gestured, smiling, that this was a one-way street. I thought he might not realize it, as it's not well-marked. The guy screamed as I drove by.

Hmm. As I said, a lot of anger is out there.

We learn about anger in the families we grow up in. We watch and listen to the adults around us. We learn how and when to express it.

We learn that it can be respected, it can be avoided or it can be abusive.

First, let's talk about the respected kind

Sometimes, anger is really irritability. It's about being in a bad mood or waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Hopefully, you can recognize that before you do or say something you'll regret.

Yet a lot of anger is more important. It's about identity - who you are, and what you care about. This is the anger that reveals your values.

Healthy families understand and support this kind of anger. They teach ways to listen, to compromise or to "agree to disagree."

Someone tells a demeaning joke, and you feel your skin crawl. Someone speeds through a stoplight, nearly missing a child crossing the street, and you get angry. That's a sign that a boundary has been crossed for you. Something important to you has been threatened, disregarded or mocked.

So you get mad.

What you do with that anger depends on what you were taught.

Anger isn't violent in and of itself. The power of anger can be respected and voiced respectfully. You may have to wait until you're not quite so mad - when your words can be calmer.

Rather than punching someone in the face, you can tell them you don't like what they've said. Instead of racing after the offending car, you can call the police and give a description. You could choose not to curse loudly at some stranger who has irritated you, and instead wonder why you were affected so strongly by their actions.

Talking about anger can even build empathy. "I didn't know that would make you mad ... can you tell me more about it?"

The difficult part is when someone's anger is focused on you. It's hard not to get defensive, but to listen and learn, so that your partnership can become stronger.

But it can happen.

Second, there are families where anger is avoided - at all costs

How many of you can say, "I never heard my parents fight?"

Perhaps they strongly believed that conflict shouldn't be handled in front of the kids, and did a really good job with keeping those kinds of conversations private. It's not that they didn't disagree. They simply didn't spill their differences in front of the kids.

Or, perhaps as in many relationships, conflict was avoided. When two people don't know how to talk about and resolve their differences - find a compromise or put up with the discomfort of knowing there's disagreement - relationships stagnate.

This can lead to an active denial of problems. Many couples haven't touched each other in years, never talk about the credit card debt that hangs over their heads or silently watch as their partner gets drunk every night. But they never argue.

"I don't think it would change anything."

"We'd never agree, so why fight?"

"I don't like to argue. It's so unpleasant."

Really? It's hard work, true. But so worth it.

Anger that's avoided can lead to tremendous resentment and blind insensitivity

One partner may eventually have had it, totally withdraw, justify having an affair or file for divorce. Yet the other may never have recognized the extent of the emotional damage.

If you grew up in an avoidant family, then you can learn to voice your identity or your opinion, believe in your own worth and express that opinion appropriately. These skills can be learned at any age.

Third, there are families where anger is abusive, and conflict isn't allowed

These are families where anger is used to control and manipulate - families where there is no safety or security. These are families where there can be atrocious acts of violence and children try to protect themselves as best they can.

"I knew better than to make Mom mad."

"When we'd hear Dad's car in the driveway, we'd all run to our rooms."

Family members can be so dominated by the abuser that to disagree would only lead to further torment. Many times it does anyway - no matter what they do or say or don't do or say.

You can be very angry in these families, but as there is no safe outlet, you can absorb an abuser identity yourself, you can try to fight back (which can be dangerous), you can become invisible or you can try to escape in some other way.

As in the case of learning avoidance, you don't have to be governed by what you experienced in an abusive family. The trauma you experienced can be worked through - with time and patience.

Anger can become a signal to you and be about your identity.

Because it's finally safe enough to have one.

_Check out Dr. Margaret on her new podcast, Self Work With Dr. Margaret. Each podcast features a different topic, and you can listen while you're driving or walking - at your leisure! Just click here!

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Dr. Margaret Rutherford's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 3 truths about anger that EVERY married couple should understand (for the sake of their marriage) appeared first on FamilyToday.

I always know when I have a patient who suffers from FOMO. Fear of missing out.

It's the recent acronym that describes heightened anxiety when believing that you're missing the action, your life isn't as great as someone else's, or you're not in-the-know about what's going on.

It can also lead to a fear of regret - that you chose the wrong thing, or that your life won't reach its potential.

They'll see their cell phone light up with a notification. They have to look at it. It's i-m-p-o-s-s-i-b-l-e not to. "It might be my kids," (which it might be ...). Or they'll glance ever so quickly to the side. Or they turn the wicked thing completely over, so as not to be seduced by the glow of a new message.

Adult millennials, or echo boomers as they're called (the kids of baby boomers), adults between the ages of 18 and 34, are the most influenced. They've grown up staring at screens, creating hashtags and calling people "friends" who they only know from social media.

From a well-researched article by JWTIntelligence, "FOMO is the sometimes energizing, sometimes terrifying anxiety that you are missing out on something absolutely terrific. It could be a TV show, it could be a party, it could be a gadget, it could be that really good burrito from the food cart. The important thing to keep in mind with FOMO is that it's not just a state of mind; it is also a physical reaction. So as a FOMO sufferer, I can report sweating, itching, pacing and compulsive refreshing of my Twitter feed." - BIANCA BOSKER, Senior Technology Editor, The Huffington Post.

What is private becomes public. What you might never have realized, becomes more transparent. Idealized versions of others' lives can morph into the new measuring stick for our happiness and security. You can experience the same physical symptoms and behaviors with which addicts and those with compulsive behaviors are plagued. You're obsessed. You have to know. You can't calm yourself.

You're afraid

Quotes from my own patients:

"I start looking around my house, trying to find something to put on Instagram that will make my life look special."

"I text my friends constantly, and am so afraid when they don't text back, that they're having fun with other people, and they don't want me to know."

Before anyone goes off on a rant about the good old days, predicting the downfall of our culture on social media addiction, let's not forget that insecurity, worry over irrational things or constant comparison with others has been well-entrenched emotional problems for quite some time. Perhaps the potential comparisons, if you're focused on them, can be greater in number, or more powerful due to actually seeing pictures of a breathtaking sunset at the beach or a fun party. Keeping your focus on your own life - your own aspirations - and not getting derailed by self-doubt or struggles with worth, is an issue for many.

I traveled to China a few years back, taking advantage of a niece who was studying there for a year. I'd never get a chance like that, so I took it.

Now a trip to China sounds awesome. And it was in many ways. Yet the Chinese were, by American standards, often very rude. I was shoved to the ground at least twice. When I was walking along the Great Wall, I had a panic attack from not being able to hold on for balance, due to people sitting by, and not moving away from, the only way I could see to support myself. Chinese bathrooms were interesting, often a hole in the floor and that was it. Lots of flies.

What am I trying to say?

There's always a back story. The party that looked like a blast? Someone got too drunk and threw up, perhaps on your SnapChat friend. The breathtaking sunset? It was amazing, but that same day, the waters had been exploding with jellyfish. The selfie of me and the Great Wall occurred before the panic attack - I was sweaty but happy to be there. There were no pictures of someone throwing up, jellyfish bites or panic attacks. You'd never have known ... but if you struggle with FOMO. you'd be frantic.

Our thinking, rational self, realizes this. We know that our friends love us. We know that not everything is at it appears. We know that bad stuff happens to everyone. And good stuff happens to everyone.

An obvious resolution of the problem is to stay off social media. And certainly, there are people who decide just that or to limit it greatly.

Fear and insecurity can still lurk at the edges of your psyche.

There are several techniques you can use to calm yourself.

1. Worst case scenario

This means simply asking yourself, "So what would I do if the worst thing I can imagine is actually true?" Usually, there is an answer for that. You'd live through it, and learn something.

2. Reveal and find out others' struggles

You're not the only one who's worried about this kind of thing. Maybe you need to be reminded of that fact. So admitting, "You know, I don't know why when you don't text me back, I get worried that I don't matter to you anymore ... I feel embarrassed to say that to you." What will likely come back is reassurance and an admission of being too caught up in her own life to text back, or the revelation of some kind of problem herself.

3. Block the irrational and replace with rational

Do some writing, and identify what you're telling yourself that's obviously not rational. Then write down a replacement of that thought, one that is rational. You may need help with this at first because fear can make the irrational feel normal.

4. Do active work on your own identity and goals

"What do I want my life to look like in six months? In a year? What area of my life do I want to explore more - my spiritual self, my physical well-being? Where do I want to go?"

5. Don't be paralyzed by having to make the right choice

People get paralyzed by needing to know that they're making the right choice. You can't know if it's right until you live it. You can have a pretty good idea. You can weigh your options carefully. If you make a choice that a year from now is not turning out like you thought, so be it. You've learned and changed along the way. That very process will help you make a more mature choice this time.

_Check out Dr. Margaret on her new podcast, Self Work With Dr. Margaret. Each podcast features a different topic, and you can listen while you're driving or walking - at your leisure! Just click here!

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Dr. Margaret Rutherford's website. It has been republished here with permission.

The post What am I missing out on now? 5 ways to cope with FOMO appeared first on FamilyToday.