In a time ruled by the web, each of us, all of us, has felt the pressure to post. Pressure might not even be the right word; sometimes just being on Facebook demands we say something to our friends.

Instagram insists on one more picture.

Twitter eggs on one more tweet.

And most of the time, we have good things to share, great things even. Sharing our lives with people we care about is what social media is for.

My news feed is always peppered with people shouting from the rooftops how much they love their spouse; how thankful they are for them, this or that thing they just did for them, and a literal mountain of other compliments.

But I haven't said anything online about my wife since her birthday, more than a month ago.

There are just some things not worthy to throw out to the internet masses. Marriage is definitely one of them, the greatest of them. Here are three reasons why:

1. Your posts aren't really for them

Praise is praise, and I really do believe wholeheartedly that your husband or wife is a stellar person in every way you say they are. The problem is that you're not letting your friends know just because you want them to know, or even that you want to honor your spouse online. The praise is there for you to bask in.

You want everyone to look at how great YOU are or how lucky YOU are because YOUR husband or wife did this great thing. Praise that can be easily given at home should be given at home.

2. It's too easy to sound fake

Anybody that knows their way around a keyboard is able to say anything online, anywhere; it's an overlooked and really powerful tool. But when you talk up your husband or wife online, chances are way too high that your post will fail to reflect how things really are, the good or the bad, and end up sounding trivial. Really anything posted online has a good chance of becoming trivial.

Words are just words for people on the outside of things.

3. It cheapens your best asset

Your marriage is the most valuable thing you have ever possessed. It should be treated reverently. Your spouse stands apart and alone as the only person in billions who wanted to be a permanent fixture in your life.

A spouse deserves to know and experience things with you that no one else ever can or will. If you broadcast everything about your relationship, you have essentially placed the value of your marriage among your hundreds of Facebook friends, most of which you almost never see, let alone talk to face to face.

Instead of posting about the next adventure of your marriage, try one of these options:

- Compliment on the spot

When something good happens, don't hold in your reaction until you can tell Facebook; tell your spouse right then and there.

- Unplug sometimes

Marriage is rich and rewarding, but social media is notorious at dulling the too rare experience of just talking. Set aside time every day to be away from the computer or TV to sit and talk, nothing more, nothing less.

- Share with only them

The internet still has its place in marriage; use its flexibility to your advantage and interact with your spouse privately. Send them Facebook messages or emails through the day, or a good old text. Share fun videos with them, anything to express to only them that they are still your best friend.

My wife and I chatted over Facebook while we dated, and I can still go back over the stupid things we said then; they are fun memories to relive together. Root your marriage in the real world, not a virtual one. If you do not consider your marriage a unique and private part of your life, it won't be. This, the sweetest and most beautiful relationship you have, ought to be lived offline.

The post The dangers of social media marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

In the five short hours between work and bed, I managed to upset her again. Dozens of thoughtless decisions on both our parts led us here, wedged on opposite edges of the bed with an ocean of space between us.

I stared at her back while she stared at the wall, and I quietly, carefully, thought things through.

I was too tired to be angry, too tired to talk much at all. In my own mind, I knew I had done nothing wrong.

In hers I had done nothing right. I made her feel worse. I had ignored the real problem and she was rapidly zeroing in on never sharing her feelings again.

Holding back the incredibly familiar urge to defend myself, I contemplated what life might be like if my wife really decided she would never talk to me about her deeper feelings.

I did not like what I found.

A solitary idea swept through my mind then and pushed everything else aside. My pride, how much I wanted to sleep, how annoying these fights were all gave way to a question so simple and piercing I was caught by surprise.

"How much damage do you want to do?"

Until that question was asked I thought arguing could help us move toward an end to the problem, if nothing else. Actually asking myself this made ever believing that sound so stupid.

The only purpose of a fight is to hurt each other so we can play damage control later.

Did I want her to resent me for a day?

A week?

The rest of her life?

Suddenly, defending myself and winning the argument wasn't very important.

Suddenly, it wasn't the end of the world that this or that bugged me that day, or that she was being selfish for X or Y reason.

How badly did I really want to wound my wife?

The question completely disarmed me that night. Blowing holes in our relationship for the sake of beating her in a verbal contest was worse than pointless.

I can't go into an argument anymore telling myself she will see it my way; I'll show her why she's wrong. The question comes back every time, "how much damage?"

It's all I will accomplish. If there are good points to be made, they should be made without raised voices and biting sarcasm. If the conversation crosses that line, trying to understand each other and agree isn't even on the table anymore.

It so happens that asking "how much damage" will save not just marriages, but friendships and children and every person you might ever disagree with.

I have not magically solved all my marriage problems with this attitude; we still disagree, and we still stoke our pride, lick our wounds and don't like each other sometimes.

But what has changed is the direction our disagreements take us. I choose to steer them away from pain and toward progress.

There is never an argument so important that it's worth straining bonds with the people you love.

The post The one question that will shatter the way you think about arguments appeared first on FamilyToday.

Like every night before it, my wife and I knelt beside our bed last night and offered a prayer to close out the day.

It was simple and mentioned many of the same things we mention every night: Please help us sleep well, bless our son, be with our family that is hurting.

Other common topics are mentioned as well, like help for getting into graduate school, showing us when we should try for a second child or helping us earn enough money for all of this.

But as I slipped under the covers, a thought came back to mind that I've thought many times before; that thought went with me on the train this morning and it's still here now as I write:

Why can't I just have my answers now?

As important a privilege as prayer is, it can sometimes feel like a finicky thing to work with. At times I feel like I have a direct line to heavenly help, and am seconds away from solid responses. At others I feel like I'm talking to myself underwater, speaking a different language entirely.

But the problem isn't a mystery. It was said best by one of my past religion professors who asked me, "If there is a distance between you and God, who has moved?"

I have.

God will not move and will never make speaking with Him difficult. He has a fixed system of communication, and the only way that system breaks down is when we ignore or don't pay attention to its principles.

On the other hand, that is only one side of this equation. What about those times the channel is open, you are in line with the Lord, you send the prayer and still don't get a conclusive answer right away?

Please, please resist the urge to throw your hands up in defeat and give up. This setback has something to teach you. When you don't feel you have gotten a firm answer, ask again.

Pray again.

Ask God the hard questions until you get an answer.

Persistent and patient asking in prayer is a refining and growing exercise for your heart and mind.

Have you ever considered that you may not be able to receive an answer at the time you ask the question?

This is not something to be discouraged about; God wants you to ask Him and search for divine help. It's patience, not perfection, that makes prayer powerful.

How badly do you want to know what you're asking for? Is it worth one prayer, or a hundred? Needing to work for an answer isn't so God can get to you when He has time; it's proof of Him showing you how serious and sacred the answer is.

Answers to prayers should change you for the better.

It's a mistake to expect responses on your own time, when God's timing is all that matters.

Understanding this will completely renovate how you pray. Seeking for God's responses will be exciting, not frustrating. Answers will have greater weight when you have to grow to hear them.

Most importantly, you will gain the double blessing of getting your answers, and also knowing that God listens.

Nothing could possibly be more life-shaping than that.

The post What your prayers are missing appeared first on FamilyToday.

Strong minds are on their way out. The new "in" trend is to be as shallow as you can. It seems that modern culture is so fast-paced that "deep" people are just left behind.

Why scuba dive when you can waterski?

It can be a serious problem for parents in this new age to keep up with the clip of what's hip. In order to keep your family up to speed, stick to these seasoned principles; your kids will be skin-deep for sure their whole lives.

1. Keep their eyes on the screen

The TV, the tablet, the computer, the smart phone are all pillars of our tech universe. Kids love technology. A bright, fun screen serves as babysitter, teacher, entertainer, and parent all at the same time. You virtually don't even need to be there for your kids with a trusty screen nearby.

Make sure they get several of their own personal screens early, well before their teen years if you can. Don't be afraid to set up a TV in their room and get their iPod connected to the Wi-Fi. Spend time on the same couch with them watching the same screen, but try not to interrupt the show.

2. Sign up on social media

This is closely connected to their need for screens, but deserves its own point. Social media is a hotbed of trivial stuff. Show them how to play all the best games on Facebook. Encourage them to preen and fuss over their profile pictures and compare themselves to everyone else. Praise them when they sign on for more than three hours a day, and don't overlook how important the online friend count is.

Don't forget all the other options they have for social media as well. Everything from Snapchat to Twitter, sign them up and get them going. Its best when your children's social pool online is bigger than the one they have in person. This might prove to be the best thing you can do to help them stay fleeting.

3. Downplay reading

Reading is the most destructive thing to a superficial life. Yeah, there's all that stuff to read online, but it's not actually for reading; it's for scrolling. Seriously, who really reads all that?

Sometimes articles online can be as long as ten whole paragraphs, or more. I'm surprised you've read this far in this article, for crying out loud. Teach your kids to read only enough of an article to completely misunderstand what it's trying to say. And this leads perfectly into the next point...

4. Get outraged

Make special effort to help your children become irrationally furious over anything online, or about their life in general. Teach them to respond with vicious, barbed, corrosive words against anyone or anything they don't like. Make certain they cannot tolerate different opinions; don't waste your time teaching them to be civil. Civility is a dead virtue.

5. Be devoid of conviction

Although your children need to be hostile toward any other view or belief, they shouldn't really have any of their own. The only thing they really need to believe is that anything goes and nothing matters. Everything is true and everything is false.

Let me be more specific: guide your children's hatred toward other views not only because they do not agree with them, but because the very thought that someone could think right and wrong exists, is maddening.

Don't let your children have any concrete thoughts about any facet of life; they will thank you later for the instability.

6. Don't think

It's dangerous ground letting your children dwell too long on things. More often than not, taking time to think will encourage your children to move away from some of the more pointless parts of the mainstream, undoing all of your hard work. The name of the game here is constant stimulation. Keep them moving from one source of shallow garbage to another, and they won't have time to ask themselves hard questions.

Living the superficial life is not without its challenges. In fact, it might seem these principles can leave you utterly ill-equipped for doing anything real with your life. Not to worry, there is safety in numbers. Literally everyone around you is just as disengaged from reality.

The post How to raise superficial children appeared first on FamilyToday.

The perfectly executed family meal is as rare and beautiful a thing as the "Mona Lisa" and probably just has hard to pull off too. In honor of family dinner, here are 9 of our favorite moments:

1. The nights when dinner started like this ...

and always ended at McDonald's. Without fail.

2. The meals younger siblings experimented with new eating styles ...

and did themselves bodily harm.

3. The baby brother or sister who REFUSED to swallow their food ...

and wore it instead.

4. The dish mom made that you hated ...

and made you try, every time.

5. The time you would not give in and eat what you hated ...

and Dad lost his temper.

6. The days you were assigned post-dinner dish duty ...

and wanted to lay down and die.

7. The times you had something important to say ...

and your sibling was having none of it.

8. The rare times you thought you wanted dessert ...

and immediately regretted your decision.

9. The moments you caught Mom sitting there like this ...

and the sheer chaos that unfolded around her.

A painting capturing all that family dinner really is would be as beautifully awful as a flaming train wreck, worthy to hang in any home. Comment below with your greatest family dinner moments.

The post 9 hilarious times when family dinner was anything but picture-perfect appeared first on FamilyToday.

It's such a shame that love has evolved into an overly beautiful, romantic, passionate and-honestly-sterile version of itself with the help of pop culture. Moonlit nights, dinner by candlelight, sweeping people off their feet ... this is as much a part of love as anything else.

But it is not the ONLY part.

Underneath doctored, fancy love is a layer of pure silliness, or at least there should be.

If the goofy love is still buried in your marriage, fear not; bringing it to the surface is simple:

Don't be afraid of what others think

Goofy love takes in everything we think anyone else would raise an eyebrow at, the very best of best-friend weirdness. Tickle fights, gaming nights, dressing up in thrift store clothes and hitting the town ... you name it. If it sounds crazy, chances are it is, and that's exactly what you should be looking for.

Be a kid again

Goofy love finds an enemy in adulting. We're told from our teen years forward to act our age or grow up; and yes, yes, we do need maturity to get much of anything done when we're in charge of providing our own food and keeping the lights on.

Just don't forget to leave a little room for your kid self. Feel free to go back to a favorite childhood restaurant, swing on the swings at the park, and even dust off some of your old toys. You'll be amazed by what being a kid again can do.

Embrace your inner geek

I wasn't technically looking for it, but my wife turned out to be as big of a geek as I am. We've spent hours on Super Mario Bros. together. We love the same TV shows and the same foods. We binge on YouTube together and would love to hit Comic-Con sometime. If anything, we need more serious love, but goofiness has been way too much fun.

If you have a passion for Star Trek, share it with your husband. Buy the entire Harry Potter series with your wife and read the books over and over. It turns out pretty much everyone is a geek about something, and that should be celebrated.

Find inspiration from other goofballs

Finding a good example of successful goofy love can be like finding a golden needle in a bucket of needles, but I stumbled upon a YouTube couple pulling it off beautifully. Dustin and Genevieve Ahkuoi are spot on parody singers best known for their workout spoof of Adele's "Hello." And singing to the tune of Meghan Trainor and John Legend's "Like I'm Gonna Lose You," they tell the world what's it's like sharing a bed with the goofball you love. I couldn't help but notice how genuine they are. I could see in their eyes how awesome their marriage is and how completely weird they love to be.

Another fun-loving YouTube couple are Sam and Nia, whose videos have had their viral moments for good reason. The inner geek and inner child in them are alive and well as they lip-sync to the Frozen soundtrack while taking their daughter for a drive. Take a page from their book and jump into something goofy together.

If you have yet to embrace the inner goof of your marriage, I suggest you give it a whirl; you'll be adding years to your marriage and your life.

The post Why you should leave room for goofy love appeared first on FamilyToday.

In actual practice though, sickness, trouble and loss are avoided like the plague. Suffering is always the quietest part of our lives, and we spend the most effort sweeping it under the rug, out of sight. Why this disconnect? If pain is all it's cracked up to be, shouldn't it be the most advertised feature of our relationships?

Whether we actually romanticize suffering or not, it will visit each of us, unannounced and unwelcome, most of the time. Challenged love loses nearly all its luster when it's no longer on the page or screen, but jumping down your throat every day.

Suffering couldn't be farther from the mind during the wedding, the reception, the honeymoon, even the first few months of marriage. It's almost never a consideration in dating. All anyone wants to accept is the perfect textbook married life, complete with a great job, kids, a beautiful house, a healthy retirement, growing old together, and capped off with a quiet, peaceful end wrapped in each other's arms.

That ONLY happens in a fictional world; believing otherwise will leave you feeling wronged.

This is not to say that working diligently won't make some, if not most, of these dreams come true; difficulty just has a way of striking in ways beyond your control. I know a man who was living the white-picket-fence life; he had a good job and had worked it for nearly two decades. He had a beautiful wife, and five kids that he loved more than anything.

Then a terrifying disease fell out of the clear blue sky, severely crippling him from the waist down. It ravaged his pancreas and gave him diabetes. All this came just weeks before a business trip that would've awarded him a healthy promotion. He was hospitalized for weeks and nearly died before slowly making his way home.

He then left his job to return to his wife's hometown, a state away. Her mother was very ill and needed their help. After losing their home and moving two more times they settled in a rental house. The only work he could find was in the local post office.

Through all of this, his wife remained the rock and anchor of their family. She took care of him when he couldn't himself. She ran the home and did all she could with what little they had. She loved and strengthened him when things were at their worst. She never wavered.

That horrific journey started nine years ago.

Things haven't gotten better.

Now I ask you, at what point along such a path would you have reached your breaking point?

When would you have thrown in the towel?

Can you imagine an expiration date on your love, due to some circumstance that would nullify your commitment? Unfortunately, many, many before you have.

We want to say, and in fact, we do say that if something like this happened we would stay together. Nothing could ever happen to us, or to our spouse that was so bad we would leave each other. But that's said in a moment of ease, far, far away from testing that claim.

If your husband loses his job, how long will you stand by him? Two weeks? A month? Three years?

If the doctor finds cancer in your wife, and she loses much of her ability, how long will you take care of her? The rest of her life?

If you should bury one of your children, God forbid, will you be able to hold strong together?

The only weapon you have against whatever challenge lies ahead is to make a decision and hold to it with your whole soul. You will find you're made of tougher stuff than you think when the chips are down; your ability to endure will stretch to match your conviction, if you're willing.

The man of my story stands alone as an example of living well in extreme adversity, and impresses me every day with his resolve. He and his wife have a marvelous family, and it is my privilege to have married their daughter.

Choose to hold to your spouse tightly through anything, and no trouble will ever win in the end.

The post How long can love suffer? Handling the worst times together appeared first on FamilyToday.

He never helps me in the kitchen.

She never cleans up after herself.

He doesn't like to be with the kids.

She ignores everything but the kids.

Let me evict the elephant in the room and give it to you straight: none of you have life down pat. From day one, to retirement and beyond, married couples are a work in progress out of necessity. Most of the time, disagreements are petty and fights are over minor things. The longer we live together and work to build a lasting and loving marriage, the smaller corrections will become.

Every so often though, an issue will pop up and be either too large or too chronic to ignore. Discussions may not be enough. Forgiveness, while essential, won't change the nature of the problem. Fighting might provide temporary relief, but won't actually offer a solution. It is in these moments that you must weigh the seriousness of the issue against keeping the status quo.

This is shaky ground to travel, and every step needs to be carefully planned, but if love for your spouse and your life together is really your motivation, you'd be willing to go anywhere to put the problem in the past.

Live by these rules when tackling the ugliest of flaws:

This is a joint effort

"His problem" and "her problem" ended with "I do." If you want to be the voice of accusation, point out what needs to happen, and then sit back, misery will be yours. Everything else you do in marriage you do together; it's OUR house, they're OUR children, it's OUR food. In the most personal and challenging issues, why would anyone think to leave a spouse on their own? It will take both of you to solve this.

Actually commit to ending it

This separates all your fights and superficial arguments from a concentrated handling of things. This has to assume that you are both in it to win it already. This means no matter what the obstacle is, you both want it out of your life, and you'll keep at it until you realize that dream.

This means that being flexible, forgiving, and understanding are all givens, but in the end, you both understand that what is going on is not ok and is not acceptable.

Patience, patience, patience

Changing anything about ourselves is really, really difficult. Few things seem to be stronger than a formed habit. Do not shoot yourself in the foot by scheduling an end date for your problem. Consistently working at change will always do more than setting an arbitrary goal and ramrodding a fix in before time is up. Stepping away from setting and reaching goals makes success harder to measure, and there may well be a place for goals in individual application. Patience, however, will carry the day: this fight is about solving a problem, not making a deadline.

Balance positive and negative

Nothing will prove to be more wearing than constant negativity, day in and day out. Every time the plan for change hits a snag, bite back the surge of soul-sucking comments that may surface, choose one careful, constructive criticism, and throw out the rest. Make that one criticism pointed, but also add a genuine positive thing to say. Progress will thrive in an environment that demands change but constantly encourages too.

Remember your motivation

Forgetting that this problem is being addressed because of your love for each other drives a wedge between you. Suddenly being alone will start to be more appealing than being together. Hate for the problem, without love to temper it into action, breeds hate for each other. Do not allow love to fade for even a moment.

No, this will not be easy, and tough love can sound an awful lot like nagging and spouses sounding and looking like parents. It might be a careful balancing act, but tough love is indispensable in making each other better. Love is the key ingredient that sets tough love apart. It's not always enough on its own, but it can never be replaced.

The post When love isn’t enough, get tough: practicing tough love in marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

Dear Dating,

I haven't seen you for years now, but for some reason I've been thinking of you lately. We actually have quite a few memories, the two of us. Remember that one time you had a bunch of us get together at some random grandma's house in the middle of nowhere and play Apples to Apples for hours? Or the other time we ran an obstacle course in high heels? Yeah, good memories, good memories.

But, Dating, I think I had rose-colored glasses on while we were friends ... and rose-colored contacts and rose-colored hair and rose-colored socks, while wearing a rose-colored suede suit. I'm a little older now, and from here I see-if I can be blunt-you weren't all that great.

Now, before you storm off in a huff to ruin more tender-hearted people, let me finish. There were times when you pulled through and delivered a really good time; the thing is, there was one of those to every 10 crap moments. I really wondered whose side you were on most of the time.

Just talking to a potential date was about as effortless as playing chess while skydiving blindfolded. But you made it a cultural requirement to ask a girl if she wanted to stare at me over dinner while I stared back, say nothing during a movie, then continue to say nothing while I took her home to shake hands on the doorstep.

You made me obsess about every move a girl made in my general direction, even if she just looked up at me from the drinking fountain in the hall. I became borderline psychopathic trying to find out if anyone "liked" me.

The sheer emotional weight alone would have been enough to end a person, but that wasn't satisfying enough for you.

You had to invent formal dances.

Why wasn't it good enough to just ask, "Hey, wanna come to the dance with me?"? Oh no, I had to be clever and give my date a chinese puzzle box that contained a clue that sent her halfway around the world to find my question, etched into the Himalayas, which read, "Hey, wanna come to the dance with me?" It was almost like planning an engagement, it was so complicated.

Then you had my date and I mortgage what little financial security we had to rent sequin-studded gowns and penguin tuxes, comfortable as straitjackets, so we could dance in them, and the only move we ever knew was the Frankenstein walk.

By the way, it was really low bringing parents into this mix all the time with their talks: "You're not getting any younger," and, "You're a menace to society," and, "When are you moving out?" I was really doing my very best to stay young, contribute to society and move out.

And I haven't even mentioned the trauma and drama of becoming someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. If that happened, I had to evaluate how I walked, how I talked, whether I breathed too loud. I certainly didn't want to break up because eventually I had to talk about the "M" word. And if I wanted to ask my significant other about the "M" word, and if I asked too early or too late, then things got messy and ugly and scary and usually not good for either of us, and I'd run away scared or angry but always single and have to start all over again.

Things are better now. I can take my wife to Wendy's, and we don't even have to say a word to each other. Most of the times, when we sit quietly at Wendy's, we're just laughing at your other victims, so obviously stuck between a forced conversation with a real person and another cat video on Facebook.

So, Dating, I know you're useful and you have things to teach all of us-hard lessons, most of them-but you're not nearly as important as you think you are. Just tone it down a little, please.

Thanks for letting me get that off my mind. I genuinely hope you're doing well.

Sincerely,

Happily Married Despite Your Best Efforts

The post An open letter to dating appeared first on FamilyToday.

Before I say anything else, I want to tell you how very excited I am to meet you. You're still in diapers somewhere right now, but soon enough I will have the pleasure of calling you daughter-in-law. Welcome to my family!

Likewise, my son can't even walk yet. He's just figuring out how to use his little voice and grab things. This may be years and years too early, but I realize how many blinks away your wedding day will be, and I want to be prepared. Time will catch me unawares unless I stay ahead of the game.

I promise you that I will have given my best efforts to my son when you find each other. He will know that "husband" is one of the two most ennobling titles a man can gain, the other being "father." He will know that he has no business making a woman a mother before first making her his wife.

From your first meeting, he will be the courteous and respectful man every man ought to be. Doors will be held open, chairs will be pulled out (not out from under you), and the grace and dignity of your womanhood will never be violated.

He will be the willing, strong, and capable provider you need, and do his best every day to give you the things you've always wanted but never had. He will not push and prod you into the workforce if you want first and foremost to raise your children. He will not resist if you want to have a job as well, but what he will do is insist that his children grow up with dedicated, present parents.

He will quickly grow to love your family. He will clearly see where all the things he loves about you have come from, and be profoundly grateful for them. He will be a fast friend to your siblings and a support and help to your parents. He will look forward to seeing them as often as he can. He will laugh and cry with them all your married life.

He will know that belief matters a lot in a time and culture where belief is under attack; you will not be attending church alone. He will encourage the best of your spiritual strength and constantly reach out to God for help in that project. He will refer you to scripture as a compass for your life together, and take his place as the head of the home as you take yours as its heart.

He will have flaws. He will get angry and frustrated and selfish, occasionally saying and doing things he will wish he hadn't. Please, please forgive him and work it out. You will all be the stronger for it.

More than anything else, my son will love you with everything in him. You will be the most magnificent woman in his life. You will be his very best friend, the best decision he ever made. As the mother of your children, he will be filled with reverent awe watching you raise them.

He will never think the word divorce.

He will need you like he needs air.

Wherever you might be, future daughter-in-law, I hope you enjoy the rest of your childhood. When you are both ready, I will be overjoyed to offer my son to you, knowing that he will do everything he can to take care of you.

I pray that you will take care of him, too.

The post To the woman who marries my son appeared first on FamilyToday.