A woman's language involves rejuvenation through talking, processing, emoting and dealing with issues immediately. A man's language includes no direct confrontation, taking action, solving problems, fixing things, feeling useful and regrouping and rejuvenating via the newspaper or television. The earlier you realize these differences, the quicker you can develop good communication habits and build a strong marital foundation - and the more closeness you will promote and maintain in your relationships.

Best things to say to him

1. "How was your day?"�

So many men I counsel complain that their partners aren't interested in their work or how their day really was. So it's important to ask and LISTEN.

2. "Sure, you can watch football today."�

It's all about compromise and understanding that they're not just watching football to avoid us; they enjoy it and are literally recharging their batteries. If you don't consider your partner's needs, it will create distance in the relationship.

3. "I need your help solving a problem."�

Men want to feel useful and truly want to make us happy. Ask him to help you problem-solve to get practical solutions. But try to get to the point as quickly as you can. Don't give every detail, cut to the chase so he's present with you and understands what you need from him.

4. "Do you want to go out this weekend, just us two?"�

Let your partner know he's a priority even though you're busy with kids, work and activities. You truly need to take the time to build closeness and intimacy. Don't ever take your relationship for granted.

Best things to say to her

1. "How was your day?"�

It's just as important to ask her how her day was. Make sure you leave enough time to really have a conversation; otherwise, it's very superficial, not authentic, and will make her feel unimportant and not cared about.

2. "You look beautiful (or sexy)."�

Not just on special occasions, but give her compliments regularly. Women like to be told they look good and that their partner finds them attractive. It's a small gesture that goes a long way.

3. "Would you like me to mow the lawn?"�

When a man anticipates what a women needs, like fixing things around the house or making plans ahead of time for a nice date - anything without being asked - she'll feel cared about, loved, important and like a priority.

4. "Let's have a quiet evening, just the two of us."�

The intent of this statement would be to spend time with her relaxing, catching up and just being affectionate with one another.

By implementing these simple suggestions, you'll be on the road to speaking your partner's language and developing closeness rather than distance.

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Do

1. Create a good support system

Find someone to talk to about what's happening. Rely on a buddy to do things with to make you feel better and forget about your problems for a while. Assess who will be the most understanding, nonjudgmental and willingly supportive; and then give them a call. If there's someone who's been through a divorce, put them at the top of your call list.

2. Seek help

Get professional help or absorb yourself in good self-help books. This is a necessity if you're extremely depressed, anxious or terribly guilt-ridden - if you were the one who left the relationship. The more you know about yourself and your core issues, the better you will heal, learn something from the relationship, and not make the same mistakes in the next one. This is a learning experience, not a conspiracy to make you miserable.

3. Reflect

Assess the recurrent patterns in your prior marriage and all of your relationships to help you understand the why, the what, and the how, about you and your relationships. Why did you choose your former spouse? What is your past telling you that will help you with a future marriage? How can you use this information to make positive change within yourself and your relationships?

4. Take a breath

If you've just broken up with your spouse, you may be in shock, which can last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. During this time, don't make any major decisions about yourself or your future - don't quit your job or move out of the area.

5. Turn to faith

Look into a spiritual practice if you don't have one. This will help you with the grieving process - even if you're the one who ended the marriage. You will gain tools to cope and a perspective on the bigger picture.

Don't

1. Snoop

Don't try to get information about your ex. You may think you want to know, but it will only make things worse. Why? Because it's a reminder that it didn't work - a reminder that he's with someone else. It simply reconnects you with him when you're trying to heal the wound and move on.

2. Contact

Don't have contact with your ex - less is more in this situation. If you left, checking in with your ex isn't going to help alleviate your guilt; it will just make it worse. Struggling with guilt can be tortuous and professional help might be necessary, especially if you feel consumed by it. And if you've been left, time and space is required to help you heal. How could you move on if you're constantly in touch with your ex, hoping for a reconciliation that most likely won't and shouldn't happen?

3. Open yourself to judgment

Don't spend time with people who are judgmental or too opinionated. At this time, you need support, and honesty with compassion. Unsolicited advice can be damaging and can impede your progress.

4. Idealize

Don't put the marriage or your ex on a pedestal. Remember the truth about what wasn't working and all the things you weren't happy with. If you left, remembering the reality of the relationship will help you with your guilt. If you were left, you were probably unhappy with your partner, and just remembering how it was will help you feel more empowered and less like a victim.

5. Rush

Don't jump into the next relationship or marriage too soon. Heal your wounds and create a good relationship with yourself first; otherwise the same destructive patterns will repeat themselves in the new relationship.

During your breakup and divorce, remember to take it day-by-day. Stay in present time, and don't worry about tomorrow. Your feelings and emotions about the breakup are going to be all over the place. You need all the support, information, and tools to help you get through this difficult time and come out stronger than when you entered the marriage. But just know that there really is a beginning, a middle, and an end to your pain.

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