Many of us feel stressed during the holiday season. There's so much going on- parties to plan and attend, gifts to buy, festive meals to cook and winter weather to deal with.

For someone who is grieving, the holidays are more than stressful; they're painful and can bring anxiety or a sense of dread instead of the spirit of the season.

The first time through the holidays since losing a loved one can be extremely difficult. According to Grief.com, we can miss our loved ones more during the holidays than any other time, and it can be the hardest part of grieving. We're reminded of past holidays or wishes of what the holidays could be instead of what they are. We are often torn between wanting to continue with family traditions and feeling too much sadness and loss to celebrate without our loved one.

After the first time through holidays and anniversaries since you've lost someone, the experience can be even more varied. For some, the grief will have become more bearable and, while we can miss our loved one more during the holidays, we are able to remember good memories and reminisce rather than feeling unable to move forward.

For others, the second or third time (or more) through the holidays can still be painful. Depending on your personal circumstances, any of these scenarios could be completely normal for your stage of healing.

If you or a loved one is struggling with grief at this time of year, here are seven suggestions to help:

1. Grieving is a personal process

If you are feeling pressure because you have seen someone deal with grief over the holidays in a different way, stop.

What was okay for them doesn't have to work for you. Besides, some of us have a very adept public face and others might not realize how much pain may be hidden underneath. So if this means going to all the usual events, but not putting pressure to stay as long, that's fine. If it means kindly declining events and reducing your commitments and celebrations, that's fine too.

2. Self-care, self-care, self-care

The holidays are so often about others: buying gifts, making the season fun for someone else, worrying about disappointing someone if we don't do what we have done in the past, etc.

When you're grieving, it's ok to adjust your priorities to include caring for your own tender heart. Plan more time for rest and quiet if that's what you need, or extra time with people who are loving and supportive if that helps you recharge.

Self-care is a very important part of healing from grief!

3. Refuse to feel guilty because you can't or don't feel like trying to "do it all"

Your life has taken a detour and what was normal for you before, isn't normal now. You're in the process of grieving what was lost and building a new normal - these things take time.

If you spend energy feeling guilty, you are robbing yourself of the energy you need to heal. There's nothing to feel ashamed of if you need to scale things back, or even avoid holiday events altogether. Let people know you're grieving and that it's too painful right now, but that you appreciate being remembered and that you will deeply miss being there.

Most will try to be understanding. They may encourage you to attend, but that doesn't mean you have to. Do what you can and give yourself permission to slow down.

4. "But I have kids who need me to make the holidays special."

Work to strike a balance between meeting your needs and theirs. According to The Dougy Center, children grieve differently than adults. They need support, attention and love as well. Talk to them about how sad you all are and ask them to help decide how to honor the loved one who is gone.

Maybe a family member or friend can help out with some of the traditional family activities so you have support and feel less pressure. Perhaps, as a family, you look for ways to help other families who are also sad this season and find ways to serve them.

Use this as an opportunity to discuss the meaning of holidays beyond gifts, parties and decorations.

5. Stick to your routine

As much as possible, you'll want to stick to your normal daily routine.

When things feel overwhelming, keeping your schedule as normal as possible can sometimes help - as long as you're not taking on too much or using it as a way to avoid grieving.

Having structure in your life can help you take things one moment at a time and feel grounded in something familiar.

6. If you don't feel like celebrating

Not everyone feels this way, but some do. I certainly did. Christmas carols in the stores were enough to have me leaving the store in tears with a half-full cart abandoned in an aisle- never mind having decorations up in the house!

Take comfort in knowing that if this is how you're feeling, it won't always feel like this. Talk to family and friends and let them know what limits you're putting on celebrations for yourself this year. Ask for their support; do what you can, but listen to how you're feeling.

Strive to strike a balance so that you don't shut everyone out and become isolated, which can increase depression and feelings of hopelessness. But, don't overextend yourself either.

7. Get support!

Find a grief support group, reach out to family, friends, or others in your support circle. If you find you are not feeling better, and you're having trouble getting to work, eating or sleeping, find a therapist. A therapist is someone you can talk to that you don't need to take care of or protect. Someone who can sit with you as you cry and work on coming to grips with your loss.

Healing takes time and there is no one way to grieve. Be true to yourself and your feelings, lean on those around you, and know that you can heal and once again find joy in the holidays.

If you want to support someone who is grieving this holiday season, here are some additional tips.

The post 7 tips to survive the holidays when you’re grieving appeared first on FamilyToday.

Many of us had painful experiences as a child or teen, and while it may seem obvious these experiences impact our mental health, we now know that there are some experiences which can also negatively impact our physical health.

A study (Adverse Childhood Experiences study) that focused on one's home environment, experiences, family members' mental health, divorce and whether or not love and support was felt, proved that these factors do in fact matter in your physical health.

Why should you be interested in this study? Why should you care? These findings are incredibly important on multiple levels. The authors of the study created the ACE Pyramid to explain why these experiences impact our health.

Childhood experiences lead to social, emotional and cognitive damage. That devestation can lead to the adoption of health risk behaviors and potentially chronic stress from untreated PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or other mental health issues. This can lead to disease, disability and social problems.

There is an undeniable link between our childhood experiences and our risk for various diseases, disorders and behaviors, and that the higher your ACE score, the higher your risk. The good news is that intervention at any point, whether in childhood or as an adult, can help decrease risk.

Curious what you or your children's ACE score is?

You can take this quiz to find out.

More than half of the participants answered yes to at least one question, according to the study's findings. More than one in five reported three or more ACEs. Those with scores of four or more showed the greatest risk - four to 12 times higher risk than for those who reported just one ACE - for the following behaviors or diseases:

• Alcoholism and alcohol abuse

• Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD)

• Depression

• Fetal death

• Health-related quality of life

• Illicit drug use

• Ischemic heart disease (IHD)

• Liver disease

• Cancer

• Intimate partner violence

• Multiple sexual partners

• Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)

• Smoking

• Suicide attempts

• Unintended pregnancies

• Early initiation of smoking

• Early initiation of sexual activity

• Adolescent pregnancy

For adults, getting treatment for traumatic experiences decreases the risk of developing the above issues. And for those who are currently experiencing the impact of past trauma and struggle with any of the issues above, treatment now can have a dramatic, positive impact on how we will manage stress, heal from our physical and emotional issues and potentially change the direction of our lives!

Treating the underlying traumatic experiences from the past - or increasing the safety and health of kids who experience trauma, leads to increased mental and physical health for individuals, families and our communities. This means the potential for fewer doctor and hospital visits, fewer sick days from work, more productivity and healthier families.

How can we help kids who are at risk?

Parents, teachers and medical professionals can use this information to provide support to children who have been exposed to ACEs. These children need adults to intervene, work to decrease their risks by increasing their safety at home and promote healing from the abuse or neglect they have already experienced.

There are additional resources with further information on the ACE Study and how to use it, along with resources for the prevention of abuse.

The post Are painful experiences from your past slowly killing you? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Loss is always painful. There are times though when the loss we experience makes us feel heartbroken. We wonder if it's possible to ever heal from that level of pain. If you have suffered a loss that has you feeling like your heart is broken or aches so badly it's hard to think of anything else, I'm here to let you know there is hope and a way through the pain.

I've had such a loss. My son passed away when he was 18 months old. For years, I felt as though I would not survive the degree of heartache I was experiencing. My heart felt broken, and the pieces weighed a thousand pounds. Daily life was incredibly difficult. For months I couldn't wrap my mind around simple tasks; even making toast was overwhelming, and I had panic attacks every morning as I drove to work. There were people in my life who were kind, loving and supportive, and there were those who didn't understand that level of pain and ended up saying hurtful or thoughtless things - even though that was not their intention.

That was 11 years ago, and while I can remember feeling intense emotional pain and grief, I no longer suffer like I used to. I know I am not alone in the kind of pain I've experienced, and so I try to use my experience of the grief process to help others heal. I learned these lessons as I worked with a therapist, and I've seen them confirmed again and again as I work with people who come to me with a broken heart looking for support and healing.

Grief is often a misunderstood process, and myths get in the way of healing. Let's see if we can clear a few things up. Hopefully this will be helpful if you're feeling overwhelmed by grief or if you're wondering how to help someone you love who's grieving:

1. Myth: Grief includes 5 stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, and they occur in a specific order.

Fact: Grief is more complex than a linear, five-stage process. In her last book,On Grief and Grieving, Kubler-Ross discussed the stages of grief she originally described in 1969. "They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives." Grief is messy; it's up and down, back and forth. You can bounce around within the various stages, and that is completely normal. According to the Hospice Foundation of America, "Grief is sometimes described as a 'roller coaster' - there will be ups and downs, good days and bad days."

2. Myth: The grief process lasts about a year

Fact: Grief will last as long as it lasts. Yup. That's about as close an estimate as anyone can give. The good news is that if you're acknowledging and feeling your grief, finding support, and doing the work that grief demands, you will begin to feel better over time. The bad news is that no one can tell you exactly how long that will be.

3. Myth: Replace what you've lost and you'll feel better

Fact: No matter how quickly you replace what you've lost (relationship, pregnancy, pet, job, home, among other things) you will still need to grieve the loss. Bringing someone or something new into our lives doesn't change the need to feel our feelings of sadness and loss - this is grief work. Depending on the loss, we may always carry some sadness about it. If you've had a miscarriage, getting pregnant again doesn't erase the loss. According to PsychCentral's review of the Avon Longitudinal Study of Parents and Children, depression can last for years after a miscarriage or stillbirth even when the mother goes on to have other children. If you've lost a pet, getting another one doesn't make you forget the one who's gone.

4. Myth: Stay busy, and you'll get over it

Fact: No one can feel these intense feelings every second so it is useful to distract at times. However if you fill every moment of your time distracting yourself from your feelings, or if you use a substance or another addiction to numb your feelings they will return with a vengeance as soon as you sober up or slow down.

5. Myth: If you don't know what to do or say when someone's grieving it's better to stay silent and leave them alone.

Fact: Loss leaves a hole in our lives. Everyone deals with the pain in a different way, but saying nothing because we're afraid is not helpful. Because grief is so individual it is difficult to know how to support a loved one who's grieving. Avoid platitudes ("This too shall pass", "God never gives us more than we can handle", "They're in a better place"). If one of these phrases feels helpful to the person, you will hear them use it. Otherwise, platitudes tend to minimize the experience of intense loss. If you don't know what to say, personalize this phrase: "I don't know what to say. I'm just so sorry, and I love you."

6. Myth: It shouldn't hurt if the loss you've experienced might improve your life. For example, leaving an abusive partner or ending an unhealthy relationship.

Fact: Loss is loss. It all hurts, and it's very common to grieve parts of what we've lost even if we're safer, happier or healthier than before. You can miss the person who hurt you, and that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It does mean that you might need some support, though.

If your heart is breaking, you don't have to suffer alone. Reach out to family, friends, your faith community, a therapist, support groups or organizations to help. Remember, you hurt today, but you won't always hurt this much. I'm living proof that it gets better as you do the work that grief demands.

The post 6 grief myths that need to be busted so you can heal your broken heart appeared first on FamilyToday.