What mother wouldn't want her child to be cool and popular?

Well, according to a recent study published in the Journal of Child Development, being part of the "cool" crowd in middle school might not be all it's cracked up to be by the time those same kids hit their 20s.

In a study conducted at the University of Virginia, researchers followed 184 children over a decade from the ages of 13 to 23 to see how the "cool" kids of middle school and high school fared as young adults. They measured "cool" by things like how many different people they "made out" with, how often they engaged in vandalism and petty theft, their partying habits on the weekend involving drugs and alcohol, and how important it was for them to hang out with the good looking crowd. Essentially, the kids who were constantly pushing the envelope and trying to look more "mature" than everybody else.

And you can probably guess the results: these kinds of "cool" kids in middle school and high school had more problems as young adults with substance abuse, the law, jobs, and relationships. Surprise! (I've always contended that social science research does nothing more than validate our common sense experiences.)

Joseph Allen, the professor who led the study, calls it the high school reunion effect. And we all know exactly what that means. But what does it mean for us as mothers raising the next batch of middle and high schoolers? Maybe a good start is to realize that "cool" and "popular" don't always have to be synonymous. Let me explain.

It really depends on the subculture your kids are growing up in. Sure, there are certain schools and communities that foster the idea that "cool" is defined by being edgy and bucking authority and rules. I think all of us can look back on our teen years and remember kids who were considered "cool" for all the wrong reasons mentioned in this study. (Sadly, I know quite a few adults still stuck in this rut.) Sometimes they were the popular kids, but in certain circles, that kind of "cool" is actually considered "lame" by those who understand what cool really is: being smart, talented, funny, and kind. But it takes a strong community of parents committed to this idea to create strong, healthy kids who make positive behaviors and characteristics more popular than negative ones.

As a mother of two teens and two more on the way, I guess what I'm really trying to say is this: please don't encourage your child to be cool and popular for popularity's sake. You know what I'm talking about - trying to organize play dates for them when they are young to help them get in with the "right" kids, always buying them the "right" clothes, making sure they are involved in the "right" activities and clubs that foster popularity. Not only is this off putting, but if being "popular" in your community turns out to be tied to the kind of "cool" described in this study, you may regret pushing your child in that direction. (Of course, I am fully aware that these things often evolve totally on their own independent of any parental influence.)

Instead, as a community of deliberate mothers, let's pay attention to our children's unique personalities, strengths, and talents, and simply help them find a comfortable place in their world where they can succeed academically while enjoying healthy, fulfilling relationships. (We all know one true friend is much better than a big group of fair weather friends.) Most importantly, let's find ways to teach them that kindness and volunteerism are much cooler than social exclusiveness and risky behaviors. Not only will this help them in the long run as they become young adults (as evidenced by this study), but it may just be the catalyst our individual communities need to change their definition of "cool". And the more parents we can get thinking like this, the better. Wouldn't it be great if your child learned to value education, hard work, inclusiveness, and giving? And better yet, if those behaviors made them popular?

Well, that would just be cool.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Power of Moms It has been republished here with permission.

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Let's admit it. Sometimes we get a little too obsessed with perfection: Perfect body, perfect hair, perfect outfit, perfect children, perfect dinner, perfect schedule, and (of course) a perfectly clean and organized home. Then we look at reality and wonder why we feel frustrated and depressed: Flabby tummy, thinning hair, outdated clothing, rebellious children, cereal for dinner, impossible schedule, and a house that is far from clean and organized.

The sad but funny thing is, we spend an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to reach this elusive state of perfection, feeling vaguely dissatisfied as long as we fall short, but never asking if our definition of perfection is even remotely realistic!

I've thought a lot about this topic since I'm a self-proclaimed Frustrated Perfectionist turned Recovering Perfectionist striving to be a Calm and Contented Realist. It's a long road, but I've learned a few things along the way.

1. Change your definition of perfection

I am a firm believer that perfection is more of a spiritual state than a physical one. Unfortunately, I think most of us gravitate toward physical perfection because it's easier to see, manipulate, and control. (And we know that other people can see our physical perfection-or lack of it!)

For example, which is more difficult - to have a clean and clutter-free home, or a clean and clutter-free heart? Do we make our outer appearance stylish and beautiful, or do we radiate inner beauty? To help our children excel in school and extracurricular, or to teach them the values of honesty, self-control, and compassion?

I've often wondered about the message I am sending to my children. While I'm all about trying to help them succeed in the world and improve their talents, I don't want them to feel like their value lies in looking good, keeping their bedrooms spotless, and getting straight A's. There are so many things in this life that are more important than the outward appearance of perfection, so as long as we use "perfect" as a description of things that can be easily photographed or quantified, most of us will come up lacking.

2. Focus on striving, not arriving

I like to think of the word "perfect" as a verb, not an adjective. To perfect means to improve, refine, hone, or work on. That's a lot less pressure than trying to "be" perfect today, right now. It's that whole "joy in the journey" thing that we often find difficult to master as mothers. (I'm not the only one, right?)

I love many quotes from Anna Quindlen, but this one might be my favorite: "The thing that is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." Forget the notion of "being" perfect and simply enjoy the journey of becoming you! The irony of that sentiment is that if you do "become yourself" you will be perfect because you will be who you were created to become. And that person and that life may not look anything like your previous definition of perfect.

3. Realize that perfection comes through imperfection

Why do we try so hard to reach an unrealistic standard of perfection anyway, when in fact it is the imperfections of our lives that actually perfect us? What? Think about it: The child with the illness or disability that teaches us how to really pray or sacrifice; the difficult teenager who pushes us to dig deeper and love more. The daily grind that forces us to get more organized and disciplined. The financial struggles that keep us humble and motivate us to reach out to and help others struggling in similar ways. You see?

This little poem by Leonard Cohen helps me to put it all into perspective:

Ring the bells that still can ring, Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything, That's how the light gets in.

I would encourage mothers to not only reconsider their definition of perfection, but to learn to accept (and even embrace!) their perfectly imperfect life so it can work its magic!

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Power of Moms. It has been republished here with permission.

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Maybe you've experienced a scenario like this before:

After knocking yourself out to plan a special event for you and your children to enjoy in a fun and meaningful way, they're not responding quite as you had hoped. Instead of cooperating, expressing gratitude, and looking on with wide-eyed interest as you guide them through this much anticipated experience, they are either whiny and disinterested, or hyper and fighting about who gets to go first, stand next to mommy, use the blue spatula, sit by the window, etc. Finally, after what feels like an eternity of holding your breath, you lose it, and the whole thing deflates like a balloon.

Here's another:

It's 7 p.m. and you are the only adult in the house. It's been a long day. No one has had dinner yet because you've been running kids to their various activities, and all you can think about is crawling into bed with a good book and a relaxing cup of tea. One child is in front of a screen when they should be doing their homework, another child is begging for food but doesn't want anything you're offering, and another child just told you they need to make a poster TONIGHT for their special report TOMORROW ... and there's no poster board in the house. You've been keeping it together for the last 13 hours, but now everything is unraveling, and you lose it. Again.

What is the common thread in both of these examples? (Besides aggravating children.) Mom is trying so hard to be happy, calm, and patient for such a long period of time and under such stressful circumstances that she ultimately snaps under the weight of her own inability to bend to reality. (Reality being that she is not infinitely patient.)

I'm assuming you can relate. Why does this happen to so many of us over and over again, and what can we do about it? Maybe nothing more than a little bit of self-awareness and giving ourselves the permission to be human. Of course, modeling self-control and good behavior for our children is important, but it may be equally helpful for them to see that Mom has strong feelings too, and see how to deal with them when they come along.

How do we do that? I've already alluded to one idea-allowing yourself to be human-and I'll give you four more as well:

1. Give yourself permission to be human

Situations like the two above remind me of how big earthquakes occur in areas where there are very few smaller ones. Without an occasional release of tension, pressure builds up over time until-wham!-the "big one" hits. We operate in much the same way. If we don't release tension in small ways throughout the day, we may be setting ourselves up for a massive "earthquake" later. I think it's important to realize that as much as we would like to have infinite patience, we don't. We definitely have our limits. Letting off a little steam here and there and respecting our limits will make everyone much happier.

2. Find healthy ways to let off steam

The tried-and-true preventative solutions you would expect to hear (and rightly so) are getting enough sleep, exercising, having social outlets, etc., but what if you're already doing those things and still find yourself losing control? I would love to hear your ideas, but the most basic things that have worked for me in the past are excusing myself from the room (perhaps storming out of the room with a look of wild rage in my eyes is a more apt description) to go beat a countertop or scream into a pillow somewhere. Sometimes it's just got to be done, and it's better than beating your kids or screaming at your husband. (Or vice versa!) In less extreme situations I like to ask myself questions such as, "Is this even going to matter in a year?" and then make light of things whenever possible.

3. Keep the blame person-neutral

Knowing your children are acting in an age appropriate way can save your mental health. Getting mad at them because they are tired/hungry/overstimulated is frustrating for both of you, and blaming them for their "bad" behavior when you've inadvertently set them up to fail doesn't make sense either. It takes the pressure off both you and your child when you can simply chalk up the craziness to fatigue, hunger, miscommunication, procrastination, or whatever else may be setting everyone off. Go ahead and label the culprit (to learn from the experience), but remember that it's rarely a person.

4. Apologize after flipping out

Remember: to flip out is human; to apologize, divine. (I took a few liberties with that quote.) After giving yourself a time-out, tell your kids that sometimes mommies throw tantrums too, and you're sorry for your behavior. Obviously the phrases "time-out" and "mommy had a tantrum" don't go over well with older kids and teenagers, but I'm sure you can figure out a dialogue that works for them. A simple I'm sorry I acted like a crazy person back there - this, this and this happened and I got upset is generally enough. After apologizing, it's time to forgive yourself and move on.

5. Rebound with as little fuss as possible

Take a page from your child's book and get over "it" as quickly as possible. We've all seen the tear-stained face of a young child plastered with a big, happy grin. They are so anxious to move beyond the negative and get back to feeling happy that they can do so quickly and easily. Dwelling on negative feelings or beating yourself up for perceived weaknesses does nothing to help you or your children. Endlessly dwelling on negative experiences gives them more meaning and control over you; don't go there. Remember: You're human, and humans fall apart sometimes. Who cares? Now it's time to get back up and continue being your usually fabulous self.

Don't these ideas just make you feel so much lighter than trying to force yourself to be more patient than emotionally possible? Give yourself permission to be human, find healthy ways to blow off steam when needed, keep the blame person-neutral, apologize for your bad behavior, and then get back to being your usually fabulous self. Sounds good to me!

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Power of Moms. It has been republished here with permission.

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I was going to write a post today called, "The Chore Chart that Saved My Sanity," but it felt a little disingenuous as I looked around my house and realized I was living in a hot mess. The truth is, this chore chart has saved my sanity - when it works. But it only works when we as the parents work it, and that doesn't always happen. Like this past week. But you know what? As visually annoying as it is, and as embarrassing as it would be if someone dropped by my house right now, I'm done with the house shaming. You've heard of body shaming? Well, today I'd like to coin the phrase "House Shaming."

You already know intuitively what this means because you've felt it. After seeing thousands upon thousands of visual images of picture perfect homes and "spaces" on Pinterest, HGTV, Houzz.com, and maybe even your neighborhood, you've felt ashamed and "less than" when looking around your own home and observing not only undecorated and unorganized spaces, but messes. Maybe hot messes like mine. Messes that can never be totally eradicated because the people making them continue to live in your home and make them - over and over and over again. (Maybe you are one of those people.)

And even if it may all just be in your head and nobody but you is noticing or caring (most likely), it still feels like "they" are not only noticing and caring, but judging you because you can't take care of your home properly. Because you have no sense of style. Because you're disorganized. Because you're obviously lazy and passing it on to your children. And on and on and on ... House Shaming.

Maybe you've seen the sign some people put on their front porch that reads, "Please excuse the mess, but we live here." That's where I'm at in my evolution of caring about a perfectly clean and orderly home for other people to admire and envy. I'm just here living my life with my family, and that means we make messes. And we make them every waking hour of every imperfect, messy, wonderful, creative, hard working, joyful day of our life together as a family.

The truth is, having a super clean and orderly home and making sure my kids follow a really tight daily checklist and chore chart to ensure said clean and orderly home has really lost its place on my priority totem pole. Does it bug me when the house is a mess? Absolutely. But do I expect myself and my kids to spontaneously clean up after every single mess like good little disciplined soldiers to the exclusion of everything else? No way. And I refuse to let that expectation destroy my peace or my relationships with them any longer. There is so much more to life than a clean home.

So let's talk for a minute about the messes I'm staring down in my home today and what they really say about me as a mother and how "lazy" I am. Let's call this list, "10 Good Reasons to Stop the House Shaming."

1. Dirty dishes from the yummy, healthy veggie omelet I made for family dinner last night. Oh, the shame!

2. Pillows, blankets, and jammies on the oversized chair in my bedroom where our youngest slept last night because she said she felt "weird" and we were too tired to bother coaxing her back to bed. Everyone got a good night of sleep. You can't knock that.

3. Piles of books and papers on my bed stand full of the things I love to read and think about. Should I be ashamed for reading and enlightening my mind and soul sometimes instead of cleaning? Really?

4. Piles of clean, unfolded clothes in the laundry room that no one has gotten to yet. Think about that: PILES of clean clothes! How fortunate are we? And how lucky for me as a mother that half of the kid clothes were washed and dried by my two oldest children. Would they know how to do laundry when they leave home if I was the clean freak who always micromanaged the laundry room? I think not.

5. The cello and music on the floor in the living room where my son left it last night after I accompanied him in a solo ensemble competition where he played beautifully and was complemented highly by the adjudicator. (One reason we didn't do the usual after-dinner family cleanup.) Bonus: I got to meet the adorable girl he is crushing on and we had a nice chat about it. Can a clean floor beat that.

6. The leftover Christmas cards still taped to my front door. It's all of my favorite people smiling at me as I leave the house every day. Why would I clean that up? Maybe I'll just wait to take them down when I get replacements next year.

7. The sewing machine and supplies all over the kitchen island where my oldest daughter has been creating a wildly creative costume for the Comic Convention in town this weekend. I love that she can sew well enough to make her own costumes and that she has the interest and motivation to do it. She can clean it up herself when the convention is over. No biggee.

8. The remnants of multiple nights of homework and school projects from this past week stuffed in a corner of the kitchen for us to get to "later." All four of my kids are doing well in school this year, and I know part of the reason is the time I've been taking to help them stay on top of their homework schedules and projects. I've even been reading "Anne of Green Gables" to my two youngest daughters before bed every night which is something I couldn't do if I insisted on picking up the house at the end of the day. You know the saying, "Don't save for tomorrow what can be done today?" I respond with, "The messes will always be there, but the kids won't."

9. The inbox of papers that belong to me which have been neglected because I've been doing other things this week such as helping my daughter wrap up her Science Fair project and going to the school to see it on display (she's going on to district!), taking my two teenagers to interview for a really cool volunteer program and coaching them on how to conduct themselves in an interview, attending an event for a friend's non-profit organization that helps rescue children from sex trafficking, visiting with another friend with some family problems who needed a listening ear, trying out a water aerobics class at the local recreation center as part of the rehabilitation for my knee I just had surgery on, and getting a mammogram. (Because self-care matters to me and helps me be a better mother, and going through my inbox doesn't count as self-care.)

10. Me, sitting here un-showered in my exercise clothes on my unmade bed because instead of endlessly cleaning I'm committed to take time every week to write articles for moms. Articles like this one which I hope will give some mom out there the permission to stop her self-inflicted house shaming and pat herself on the back for leaving her messy home alone at times in the name of much higher priorities.

Don't worry, we'll have a big family cleaning session this weekend and put everything back together again (using that chore chart that saved my sanity), and we'll do it together as a family, just as we'll make a bunch of new messes together as a family by the end of that same day. And so it goes. It almost makes me want to create my own sign for the front porch that reads, "Please enjoy our mess, we are living it up in here!"

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Power of Moms. It has been republished here with permission.

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