Many people who have experienced a great loss are unsure about how to heal. It can be a confusing and daunting task. The following are steps one can take in order to begin healing heartbreak.

Acknowledge the emotions that are coming up without getting caught up in them and without pushing them away.

Heartbreaking situations will inevitably cause painful emotions to surface. It is tempting to want to push them away, but doing so will only prolong the healing process. Part of healing is allowing yourself to feel and experience your emotions. Even though emotions may feel bad, they are actually adaptive and part of our survival system. They are hard-wired in our brains and it is important that we allow our brains and bodies to heal by allowing them to release any emotions that may be necessary. On the other hand, it is important that you don't try to hold onto any emotion (comfortable or uncomfortable) as doing so may prevent other necessary emotions from coming up. The best way to do this is to just pay attention to what the emotion feels like, allow yourself to fully feel it and then move on with your day. Essentially you are allowing yourself to ride the emotional rollercoaster that comes with experiencing heartbreak.

Practice self-kindness and patience

Heartbreak can be worsened when we are critical of ourselves for not moving forward as soon as others or when we assume we should. There is no set timeline regarding how fast someone should heal after a loss. What is known is that it takes time.

Being critical of oneself is actually harmful to the healing process as it sets up an expectation regarding what healing is supposed to look like and how long it's supposed to take. This criticism and expectation adds stress to an already stressful situation. If you notice yourself having critical thoughts about yourself, consider how you might treat someone else who is going through a rough time. Likely, you would be kind to a person who was trying to mend heartbreak. Do the same for yourself. This is one of the most important times in a person's life to practice having kind thoughts directed inward. Doing so promotes healing.

Coping skills

One of the most effective skills for coping through loss is mindfulness. One of the best aspects of mindfulness skills are that they are meant to be practiced without expectation, meaning there is no wrong way to do it. Mindfulness skills help one bring his or her mind to the present and help to gain control over thoughts that may be keeping one stuck in grief.

The basic practice of mindfulness involves simply paying attention to something fully in a moment. This can be focusing on breathing, sensations in the body, sounds in the environment, something you can see, touch, or smell, etc. Taking even a few minutes to really focus on something can begin to help you in taking control of your mind and give you a break from the noise in your head.

Other coping skills can include journaling, spending time doing activities you enjoy, breathing exercises and physical exercise just to name a few. You may have to experiment to find the coping skills that are right for you.

Find a balance

It is important during a difficult time such as mending heartbreak to find the balance between time alone and time with others, time spent in quiet and time spent doing activities. Too much distraction and avoidance of time alone to process emotions can be detrimental as can too much time alone and not enough time participating in life. The balance is different for each person and it may take some trial and error to figure out the right combination for you.

When considering outside activities keep in mind the importance of finding and participating in activities that you enjoy or once enjoyed and having moments (even if they are fleeting) of uplifting emotion and positive experience can help the brain in its healing process. Also, when spending time alone and allowing yourself to process through emotions, consider making that time as self-nurturing as possible, surrounding yourself with comforting items, smells, pictures or anything else that will provide some sort of support for you.

Find a support network

It is difficult to work through tough times alone. We as humans are not meant to be alone in life. Reach out and find people who can be supportive and patient as you heal. Make sure they are people who have your best interests in mind and who will provide some nurturing. If you don't have anyone currently in your life who can do this, consider seeking out a support group for people who have experienced a similar heartbreak. Also consider finding a good trauma therapist if the heartbreak doesn't appear to be healing or is becoming more difficult to live with. Heartbreaks are traumatic and good trauma therapy can help the brain to move past blocks that may be preventing healing from progressing. The Internet can be a great way to find resources for therapists and support groups in your area.

Above all, remember there is hope for healing. With the right tools and assistance, anyone can recover from heartbreak and move forward with his or her life.

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Do not label the teen as "bad."

The teen that is acting out is often branded as a "bad kid."� But here is the thing: In my professional career, I have never met a "bad kid."� I have met a lot of teens that are struggling with emotions, their identities and problems at home and school, but none of them have been bad at their core. When a teen acts out behaviorally, he is trying to send a message. The brains of adolescents have not yet fully developed, and they lack some of the skills most adults have to manage intense emotion. Add the fact that hormones are usually raging as they hit puberty and you have the perfect combination for your teen to start showing behavior problems.

Assuming that the teen is bad can impact how you react to the behaviors and can cause her to form negative beliefs about herself, which can seriously hurt self-esteem, confidence and any motivation she may have to change her behavior. In addition, this assumption can do major damage to the parent/child relationship, which can last into her adulthood.

I encourage parents and caregivers to send a clear message that you believe the teen is good at her core. It is certainly appropriate to point out behaviors which are not acceptable, but be specific about the behavior and do not generalize that behavior into his character. Example: "When you yelled at me, I felt hurt and disappointed because that behavior is disrespectful"� instead of "You are so disrespectful and rude! What is wrong with you?"�

Don't take the words and behaviors personally.

This is easier said than done. Sometimes teens can say very hurtful things to a well-meaning caregiver. The situation worsens when the caregiver strikes back at the teen with a behavior or words motivated by that hurt, and the problem will most likely escalate and cause damage to the relationship.

Take some time for yourself to step back from the situation to give yourself space to process your emotions that come up as a result of the teen's verbalizations or behavior. It is OK to say "I need to take a moment for myself"� and walk away. Allow yourself to feel the emotion you need to feel, and then remind yourself that the teen is hurting and lashing out. Her words and behaviors are about her emotional pain, not necessarily about you. Just make sure you come back to the issue later in order to address the behavior in the fashion outlined in the previous section.

See the behaviors as something they are trying to communicate.

Kids of all ages use their behaviors to communicate with adults about things they cannot yet verbalize. Consider the baby who cries because he is hungry or uncomfortable. As children grow, they develop the ability to start using language to communicate their needs, but remember, as mentioned formerly, their brains are not completely developed in adolescence so they sometimes continue to use behaviors as a way to communicate.

When you see your teen acting out, think about the message he is likely trying to send. For example, "I hate you!"� can mean "I am really confused and hate the way I feel right now,"� or "I hate feeling as though I don't have much control in my life."�

Instead of reacting emotionally, follow through with the steps in the preceding section and then return to the situation when BOTH of you are calm and say something like, "It seems that there is a lot going on. Can you tell me what you are feeling so we can try to work this out?"� At this point, listening is crucial. Even if you feel like what the teen is asking for is completely out of the question, making him feel heard and talking out the logic behind parental decisions can help him feel more involved and help him to accept whatever decision is made. Every teen I have had in therapy sends the same message about just wanting to be heard and understood.

Get outside help.

There are just some issues that a teen doesn't want to discuss with her parents or caregivers. This is when it is very important to make sure that she has someone to talk to like a therapist, school counselor or trusted aunt or uncle. Raising a child is much easier for both the parent and child when there are more people involved. This will take pressure off the parent and give the teen a person in whom she can confide those things they just don't want their parents to know.

Be willing to make changes at home.

As I said earlier, I have never met a bad teen. I have consistently seen that although the teen is usually the identified patient in therapy, it is usually something happening systematically in the family that really needs to be addressed. If you seek therapy for your teen, be prepared to attend family sessions and parent sessions. These sessions are not a place for the therapist to tell you what you have been doing is wrong, but rather a place to get extra support and ideas to implement in the home that will bring about the change you desire. It is very hard for a teen to change behaviors when the parents are not willing to also make changes.

Keep in mind that being a teenager is hard. It is a time in life when we try to figure out who we are and where we fit in the world. It is also a time of drastic changes physically and emotionally. Having compassion for a teen can go a long way in starting the conversations that need to happen to address behavior issues.

The post There’s no such thing as a bad kid: Navigating teenage behavior problems appeared first on FamilyToday.

Step 1: Awareness

The first step in helping a teenager that may be suicidal is to be aware. Parents, caretakers and loved ones can all play a part in being aware of signs and intervening before it is too late. According to the National Alliance on Mental Health, signs to be aware of include:

• Changes in personality
• Loss of interest in once enjoyable activities
• Fatigue
• Difficulty Concentrating
• Anxiety or panic
• Changes in behavior
• Avoidance of family and friends
• Sadness and depression
• Problems with sleep
• Irritability or indifference
• Use or abuse of drugs or alcohol
• Feelings related to guilt and worthlessness
• Changes in appetite
• Unusual beliefs
• Hallucinations
• Changes in academic performance

Step 2: Communicate

If a loved one becomes aware of any of the above signs, it is then necessary to try to get as much information as possible from the teen. You should ask about how she has been feeling, tell her you have noticed some things that have concerned you and ask if she has been considering suicide. Often, teens who are suffering to this degree do not know what to do with all the emotional pain they are experiencing. Their brains go to suicide as a way to stop the pain, not necessarily because they actually want to die. Letting her know that you care and are noticing she is suffering can go a long way for a suicidal teen, who likely feels as though she is alone in her pain.

Step 3: Stay calm

When you approach a teen about whom you are worried (or if he approaches you), it is extremely important that you do not become panicked or anxious, particularly if he tells you that he has been contemplating suicide. Overreacting can push the teen away and send the message that you can't handle his pain, which will prevent him from communicating further about what he is experiencing. Instead, try to be as calm as possible and see his communication as a very positive step in the right direction to get him the help he needs.

Step 4: Find a professional

Help from a professional at such a difficult time is essential. A licensed therapist can help to support you in learning how to provide the best support for the teenager and how to best care for yourself, as the stress of this type of situation can take a toll on your mental health, as well. A professional will also provide assistance and guidance for the teenager, helping her to work through her emotions and make sense of them, which can decrease her suffering.

Step 5: Make a safety plan

I often advise parents and loved ones of a suicidal teen to make sure there is safety by creating a plan to have someone with the teen at all times, at least until you get into a professional who can assess the situation and help you to determine an appropriate level of care.

If the threat of suicide is immediate, do not hesitate to seek emergency medical assistance, particularly if you fear that the teen has already done something to try to harm him or herself and may need medical attention for possible injuries. As difficult as it may be, try to stay as calm as possible. Enlist help from friends and family to be a support to you. Having people who can be more objective in such an emotionally intense situation cannot only provide support for you, but for the teen also.

It is my experience that teenagers who are suicidal want help, even if they are acting out defiantly and aggressively. They do not like being in emotional pain and want to feel better, like all human beings. The journey through recovery will include the entire family system (siblings included) getting the appropriate care and support they will need to understand each other and learn how to best support each other through difficult times. Help is available, and it works.

Resources, which may be particularly helpful to families dealing with a suicidal teen, include:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

www.sucideprevention.org

University Neuropsychiatric Institute Crisis Line and Mobile Outreach Team

801-587-3000

National Alliance on Mental
Illness

1-800-950-NAMIwww.nami.org

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: Injury Prevention and Control

Suicide Prevention

Suicide|Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC

The post How to help a suicidal teen appeared first on FamilyToday.

There is a trend I have noticed among people who seek help in marriage and couples' counseling. Both partners usually have the best of intentions. Both usually want to save the relationship and make it better. But often people end up in marriage counseling because they are engaging in five selfish behaviors which prevent good communication and understanding for each other to take place.

1. During a discussion or argument, thinking more about your rebuttal and less about what your partner has to say.

This is the number one issue I see among couples seeking counseling. Partners will do a fine job of expressing their frustrations, but then become defensive when the other partner begins to talk. They begin forming their defense while the other person is talking thus missing important information their partner is trying to convey. This usually goes back and forth, and I often see that both partners contribute to this barrier to communication by also personalizing (more on this later) and becoming more defensive as emotions escalate. I suggest to my clients to practice listening by paying careful attention to the message their partner is trying to send and repeating back what they are hearing, without any sarcasm or rudeness. It is also sometimes helpful to write down what you hear your partner saying to keep your attention more on his message.

2. Not telling your partner about issues, both individual and in the relationship.

I have yet to meet a human being who can read another's mind, and your partner is not an exception to this rule. It is selfish to assume that she should know exactly what is wrong and how you want her to help. It may be stress at work, worries about finances or behaviors your partner is engaging in that bother you. The list can be long, and not talking about it will breed resentment and irritation with each other. Often I see couples taking out stresses and irritations on each other. Talking and listening to each other can remedy a lot of what is bothering you.

3. Making assumptions: It's not always about you!

The flipside to the previous selfish behavior is making assumptions about your partner's behavior and taking it personally. When human beings experience stress, we tend to react in ways that are not always helpful or nurturing to a relationship. I often see that a partner will be short tempered with her beloved. The beloved then takes these actions personally and becomes irritated or angry. Ideally, the partner experiencing the stress would communicate to his partner (as was outlined in the number 2 behavior). But since none of us is perfect, it may be up to the offended party to bring this behavior to her partner in a way that is gentle and kind, while communicating how this behavior made him or her feel. When doing this, be careful to put assumptions aside. In other words, don't assume that your partner intended to attack you and had malicious intentions. Instead, remind yourself that he is still the person you chose and the person you love.

4. Worrying about your sexual needs and ignoring the sexual needs of your partner.

Sex is an important part of marriage and an issue that almost always comes up in couples' counseling. Usually the issues with sex come down to partners having different sex drives, desires and expectations of what is normal and healthy in a marriage. It is important for each partner to talk about these issues. It's OK to state what you would like to see as far as sex goes in the marriage. Once those things are said, try to then consider what your partner has said and consider his needs and how you can accommodate and respect them. Communication is extremely important in this area, and it will need to be an ongoing discussion.

5. Only considering the quirks and mannerisms about your partner that bother you, and not the things you are doing that may be bothering your partner.

I cannot tell you how many couples' sessions start with "He does this" or "She does that." These statements usually go on to describe some behavior or personality trait that drives the other person crazy. Instead of focusing on what the other person is doing, I encourage both partners to focus more on their own behaviors, particularly those that irk the other person. I don't ask people to change who they are, but I do ask that they become more self-aware and willing to make adjustments to make the relationship better.

Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect. If you notice yourself engaging in any of the above behaviors, you have already done a lot of the work to correct the behavior, as awareness is often the most difficult step to making a change. The key to addressing these behaviors is continued awareness. Here are some tips on building a great marriage.

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