While at an airport I saw a darling girl, maybe age 14, sitting on a different row of seats than the rest of her family. The parents and brother were trying to engage her in their activities and conversation, but she was in her own little world and wouldn't participate. For hours she sat looking at her phone with a smile on her face and ear buds in her ears.

When parents see such a smile on the 14-year-old's face, many may think the girl is engaged in something good. But I saw a missed opportunity to bond with her family because she was living in a digital world instead of a real world.

This scene isn't unique. Youth worldwide are becoming more disconnected from family and reality. How is this happening? Do parents need to accept it just because it's part of our modern culture? What can parents do to prepare their children not to fall into the digital traps waiting to take their children's time and attention?

Here are six of the most common digital dangers (not in any particular order) facing families, along with a solution:

1. Danger: Digital devices are used as toys and distractions when there's nothing else to do

Adults and children easily fall into the trap of becoming dependent upon digital devices during idle time. During free time, it's popular to "zone out" on devices instead of practicing social skills.

Sensible Solution:

Improve family time and relationships by thinking of devices as tools, not toys. When parents set the example, children will do likewise. Classifying the device as a tool creates a feeling of ownership and empowerment. This allows us to govern the devices, instead of having devices govern us. Create a "Family Standard" that details how and when devices will be used.

2. Danger: Children are given their own digital devices

Devices oftentimes tend to create a type of freedom in children's minds. This is an unhealthy freedom. Since digital devices are tools, they should be respected just as a power saw would be respected. Parents repeatedly tell me of media and device addictions their children have, and then express concern about not being able to take the device away because it belongs to the child.

Sensible Solution:

Decide what level of self-government is required for a child to use a digital device, and then only allow children to use devices, not own them. If they already think they own them, make sure the children know that at any time you as the parent can give them a "no" answer about using that device.

3. Danger: Trusting a child will never become overly attached to the device or get into inappropriate media

No matter how well children are raised or how good they are, they're always at risk of encountering and becoming addicted to inappropriate media. It happens to the best children.

Sensible Solution:

Never allow children to have a digital device in their bedroom, especially at night. Most inappropriate digital activity happens when people are alone with their devices. Have a rule that digital devices never go into bedrooms and that they need to be in the parent's care at night.

4. Danger: Letting children use digital devices whenever they want to

Obsession of digital distraction or stimulation easily results if children don't have limits.

Sensible Solution:

Set time limits and teach your children that even if a media time is promised, you can give a "no" answer anytime.

5. Danger: Allowing children to set passwords and protections on devices

While this sounds convenient, it can make it really hard for parents to keep children safe. This allows computers and devices to be use at any time by children - without parents knowing.

Sensible Solution:

Parents need to control logins, use time and protection measures. Install filters (even on phones) and access usage reports regularly. Be in the room when children are on devices. This will set a lifelong pattern of only looking at things that could be viewed in a group.

6. Danger: Not regularly talking about media dangers and inappropriate usage

Even though it can feel awkward, parents must regularly discuss pornography, as well as addiction to games or other media, with their children.

Sensible Solution:

Each week have parent/child mentor meetings to discuss media addictions, treatment plans, boundaries and the feeling of power over the devices. Also discuss other topics such as relationships, personal behaviors, desires, friends and school. When parents take 15-30 minutes weekly to talk with their children, then issues are addressed before they become too big. These discussions help forge strong bonds that will create a lifetime of good parent/child communication and understanding.

This article was originally published here. It has been republished with permission.

The post 6 digital dangers & sensible solutions for families appeared first on FamilyToday.

Thomas Edison said, "There is no substitute for hard work."

Years ago, when I was planning a Teaching Self-Government trip to China, a good friend of mine said, "Nicholeen, what are you going to tell parents in China who don't understand why their child should do an extra chore? The middle and upper classes don't have their children do manual work."

I was raised by a mother who made sure we were able to sew and cook as well as fix, build, clean and organize just about anything inside and outside of a house. So, I couldn't imagine societies where children didn't work.

Thomas Edison worked hard until he found the answer he sought. This was his greatest characteristic. He said, "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration."

He also said, "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

By far, the most common comment I get from parents who don't have their children work is, "But, if I make my children work, won't they end up hating work?"

Are we forgetting the American legacy?

Many children say they hate work, but here are 4 ways parents can help children enjoy hard work.

1. Change your own attitude about work

A mother once told me, "Sure, work is awful. I hate it, too. But it has to be done, or we will live in a pigsty."

"Have you always hated work?" I asked.

"Yes," she confided.

"Well, if you don't like work, then your children won't like it either," I responded.

This statement really took her back. Suddenly she saw a piece of the puzzle she hadn't seen before.

If we teach one thing and do another, then we're not teaching properly. The old adage, "Do as I say, not as I do" is a reminder of the foolishness of hypocritical teachers. We have to walk the talk.

When we look forward to work with a happy countenance and a good attitude, we will not be surprised when our children turn out just like us one day: happy, hard workers.

2. Do more work

No one who never does work, or rarely does it, will ever love it.

I have a good friend named Les. He's a nearly-80-year-old shepherd. When I recently visited him, I saw him running after baby lambs in his field to catch one for us to see. Les has had a lifetime of hard work, and even though he may say he's slowing down a bit, I just don't see it. He loves his sheep and all the hard work he does to care for them. He told us he doesn't know what he would do if he couldn't work.

Children these days lack self-confidence. They need to do more work, not less, to build confidence up. They need to repeatedly feel project mastery, improvement and success. This will help them see their worth and thereby instill confidence.

The children I know who weed fields, move sprinkler pipes and mend fences are always the happiest children I meet. Their futures are bright. They know how to fix problems and know the strength of their wills and bodies.

Lazy people are never happy because they don't accomplish anything or live with purpose. And, coddled children often become lazy.

3. Work together

Knowing how to work alone is useful, but working as a family builds great relationships. Working alongside children will create lifetime bonds. You will have conquered together. The shared experience of working together will be a treasured memory.

4. Prepare for work-time success by pre-teaching

Children are naturally anxious. They worry about details and unknown experiences. Decrease childhood anxiety about work by making sure you properly teach them each task, especially while they're young.

Pre-teaching a new chore by doing it with the child or by demonstrating it will help the child be more confident doing it themselves. Often a child actually becomes excited to do a chore when he/she sees how to successfully complete it.

Learning to work increases freedom. One of the greatest gifts you can ever give your child is the opportunity to do and enjoy some good hard work.

This article was originally published on Teaching Self-Government. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 4 ways to help children enjoy chores and become good workers appeared first on FamilyToday.

Faster isn't always better. Innovators have created devices and processes that increase our quality of life and give us more time for the important things. But faster isn't better when people are concerned. Take parenting, for instance.

Every time I speak to people about teaching their children how to self-govern their behaviors, the parents say, "How long is this going to take? I'm in a crisis right now."

I respond, "Learning to govern yourself isn't a trick or quick-fix; it is a lifelong pursuit for children and parents. In fact, it is the most important of our life's accomplishments."

I suppose this could upset people, but it shouldn't. When a person talks of changing a heart or instilling character and virtue, should that be on a get-it-done-quickly check-off list?

Logic and history show us this kind of change happens over time and through different stages of development. The principled path may seem like the more time-intensive path, but it has always proven to be the successful path as well.

In the book, "This Day ... And Always," Richard Evans enlightens readers about how we can't take short cuts to any destination in mind, like parenting.

Evans said, "We may turn out automobile and airplane motors with an ever-increasing speed, but we can't build character faster than a man lives, faster than he gains experience, faster than he learns to cherish principles."

He went on, "We can increase the production of household conveniences, but we can't find intelligence where it doesn't exist, or integrity where it hasn't been planted and nurtured."

And he continued, "We can pour concrete across the course of a racing river, but we can't pour honesty, courage, fidelity, devotion and self-reliance into our children in any way except the old-fashioned way - the hard way, as some would now describe it."

The fast but ineffective track

Making an angry face at a child, manipulating the child by counting to three, threatening the child when we want him or her to follow an instruction or using physical force or angry words to show power, to correct or to make a point are really just ways parents try to take the "fast track."

The fast track is the track that's less governed, less thought-out and less principled. It is a less-planned path to parenting. These emotionally charged types of correcting and teaching children encourage parents and children to feel powerless and disconnected from each other, which makes our homes feel less safe.

A feeling of safety and unity in the home increases self-confidence, personal power and self-government.

The not-so-fast but effective track

The next time your blood is starting to boil because the children are talking back or getting distracted instead of doing their homework or chores - and you want the behavior stopped now - don't do what many parents rationalize is the quickest path: yelling, scolding, emotionally manipulating or giving up.

Instead, take the time needed to do an effective correction. Discuss what they are doing and what they should be doing. Then, give them the opportunity to learn cause and effect by allowing them to do an extra chore for a negative consequence.

The not-so-fast track of parenting is spending lots of time helping children practice things the right way so the right way is repeated again in the future.

So, before your child willingly runs off to do his extra chore (which does actually happen when the child knows beforehand how you will correct him and understands the negative consequences to negative behavior), take time to do some role-play practices with him. Bond as you correct and prepare for future success.

Yes, this is the long way to character development, self-government and a change of heart. But it is the sweet-tasting road and the positive-parenting path to lifelong behavior and problem-solving success.

It's OK - take the long road. And, remember, it is never too late to have a change of heart. If you or your children have already taken some fast tracks and failed, it's always possible to start fresh each new day.

"There is no short cut to any worthwhile horizon, where man himself is concerned."- Richard Evans, "This Day ... And Always"

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Is there a more selfless person than a mother? From sun up to sun down mothers are serving their families, communities, church groups, schools, and neighbors.

My mother was not perfect, but I remember her striving for perfection every day. She was constantly cleaning, gardening, canning, making food like home-made bread and cookies for us to eat, taking us places, supporting us, training us, disciplining us, and even providing for us.

My father was one of the hardest working men I have ever known. But, for all his hard work as a school teacher and in the military, as well as other odd jobs, finances were tight for our large family. So, mom babysat other people's children to help lift some of the financial burden as well.

Time to play

I was the oldest of five children, and I was also my mom's helper with the children we baby sat, so my individual play time was something I really looked forward to. I remember that when it was time that I could go and play, I was off to a friend's house quick.

Sometimes no one was available to play so I would go home and sequester myself in my bedroom and play with my dolls.

I loved imagining stories with my dolls and dressing them in different clothes. I often even tried to make them clothes myself, so that they could have new outfits.

Best Mother-giving 15 minutes

There was one moment of one day of my childhood that changed my life forever, thanks to my mother. On this day, no friends were able to play so I went into my room to escape the commotion of the other children and to play with my dolls.

After I had been playing for a while I felt something different; like someone watching me. When I looked up, I saw my mom looking through the crack in my bedroom doorway. When I looked at her she smiled and said, "Nicholeen, can I play dolls with you?"

How did she know? I had longed for not only a playmate, but for her to play with me for so long. She was always so busy serving everyone that we never had time to play anymore. I was growing fast, and I even knew that I wouldn't choose to play dolls for much longer. During play time that day I was longing for my mother to come play with me.

It had been so long since we had played that I really didn't have much hope of her coming, but I was wishing for that.

When my mother asked if she could play dolls with me, my face broke into a smile. "Sure!" I said.

Then for fifteen glorious minutes we imagined together and talked together. She sat down on the floor beside me and we dressed the dolls and had child-like conversation. At that moment, my mother was my friend and teacher. I was connected to her in a way I will always remember. I could feel her love. I could feel her wanting to bond with me. I could feel her enjoying that time with me too.

Vision of motherhood

Those fifteen minutes of bliss with my mother taught me multiple lessons. In fact, those fifteen minutes made me the mother I am today. On that day I created a vision of who I wanted to be when I was a mom.

Here are the lessons of motherhood I learned in fifteen minutes:

1. When you get a thought like "I should play with my child" do it right then. Don't wait until later. Acting on those thoughts is putting "first things first."

2. Playing with children every day gives the children power and the parents power too. Nothing rejuvenates a person like playing with someone else. We all need some play time.

3. Connecting with children makes parents happy and connecting with parents makes children happy too. Family bonds are more important for happiness than bonds with friends. Put them as a top priority. No play time with a friend ever made that powerful of an impact on my life. I have always been so happy that no one could play that day.

1. Focus more on family time and less on friend time. As a society we put too much focus on social time. The best kind of social time happens at home. In fact, God gave us families to meet our social needs, and to train us up into strong, loving, self-governed people of purpose.

Take some time today to change someone's life. Even if you only have fifteen minutes, it is enough. Play with your children. Look them in the eyes. Talk to them. And, become part of their world for a moment. I promise that as you take that short amount of time to connect to their hearts your relationships will improve, you will have more energy and get more things on your 'to do' list accomplished, and your life will be filled with the spirit of love.

The post 15 minutes Mother gave me that changed my life appeared first on FamilyToday.

"Porter, it's your day to unload the dishwasher," I said one night after dinner.

"Okay," he said, but then he started playing Legos instead of doing dishes.

"Porter, you were told to do the dishes and now you're playing Legos. You didn't follow instructions," I said.

Porter immediately interrupted, "But I can't. It's too high to put them away."

At this point, 7-year-old Porter needed to be corrected for interrupting, which is not disagreeing appropriately. He also needed to hear the rest of the correction for not following the instruction I gave him (to do the dishes). At our home, each of these corrections is followed by earning an extra chore. This helps in character development and in learning cause and effect. Of course, we also practice the situation again the right way using the communication skills we already know and use as a family - thus proactively preparing to (hopefully) not have this same situation occur again.

Porter said, "I can't." But he has put dishes away in high cupboards many times with the help of our trusty kitchen stool. So why would he say, "I can't" now when I know he can?

About this same time in Porter's young life he also started saying he couldn't read things I was asking him to read and couldn't clean things I was asking him he needed to clean, even though I knew he had done these things before. He seemed a little more overwhelmed than usual and a little whinier as well.

How to help shift his thinking

There are a variety of reasons children will say, "I can't" when they really can: stress, anxiety, fear, distractedness and manipulation can all be reasons children say, "I can't" - even when they have the skill they're saying they don't have.

When Porter said he couldn't put the dishes away he was really saying he didn't want to put them away right then. He was anxious to get back to his Legos and used the, "I can't" excuse as a manipulation to hopefully shift the task to someone taller, like mom or dad.

Childhood manipulations like this instance happen all of the time but can easily be stopped if they don't work. Even though a parent could feel bad for a child and want them to have more playtime, the parent needs to teach the child how to be obedient by following the instruction given. Otherwise, the child will eventually develop a sense of entitlement and feel that manipulation is a useful life skill.

Manipulation is the number one relationship killer. A child who learns that manipulation is useful when they're young will not end up with honest relationships in adulthood. One of the kindest things a parent can do is teach the child obedience by correcting the child when instructions aren't followed.

At our home we teach the children specific steps to following an instruction, and the specific steps to accepting no answers, accepting corrections and disagreeing appropriately. These four basic skills help children live more deliberately and honestly.

When Porter said he couldn't read what I was asking him to read to me, he was really saying that he had stress associated with reading. His anxiety about reading taking too long, because he still needed to sound too many words out, created stress. This stress is usually accompanied by a feeling of powerlessness.

A wise parent knows the difference between manipulation and anxiety, or belief in an inability. If a person feels anxiety, he or she can honestly believe that he or she can't do something - like reading - because it was difficult the first time they tried it. This kind of fear associated with trying something hard is very common. But it should not be used as an excuse to not try or work on the skill some more.

In this type of situation, the parent acknowledges the anxiety the child is expressing and helps the child know doing the hard thing will be safe. The parent prepares the child for success at the hard task by making a plan with the child for how he/she will accomplish the difficult thing, including discussion of positive and negative consequences associated with doing or not doing the task. Then the parent gently instructs the child to do the hard thing. Of course, after the child has made progress toward the difficult goal, the parent praises the courageous steps the child has made in the right direction.

Advice for parents

No matter if your child is trying to get out of a chore by manipulation or by not knowing how to cope with stress and anxiety, it's important the parent affirm for the child that he or she can do the hard thing. Children who are sheltered from doing difficult things will struggle with feelings of powerlessness and have a tendency to underperform and make excuses. This is a recipe for feeling unfulfilled and weak. Helping children overcome fears and anxiety and learn obedience creates a habit of being emotionally strong.

Additionally, the most important thing parents can do when correcting a child who chooses to manipulate, or when attempting to empower a fearful child, is to have a calm and understanding tone. These types of parents won't allow their children's actions to cause them to take offense or to become short tempered and impatient. If parents are not calm, it can create disconnection with the child, contention in the home and frustration for everyone. Plus, the child will sink deeper into selfishness.

Parents who are calm and focused while working to reach the heart of the child (even during a correction), will create a feeling of safety and unity in the home and a deeper, more meaningful relationship with the child.

The post appeared first on FamilyToday.

I've never liked the part in the song "It's Beginning To Look Like Christmas" when it says: "Mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again."

Every time I hear this it makes me sad. Sad that parents wouldn't enjoy their children and that they would want them to go away. Sad that this idea is promoted in the song as normal and funny. However, I do know Christmastime can cause some selfishness and silly behaviors.

Recently our family returned from a long trip. While traveling the children didn't have to do daily chores, and life was pretty easy compared to the work at home. When my children became used to not having as much responsibility they became entitled, which leads to laziness.

Back at home, regular chores, work, and life began as normal, but the attitude at home was not normal. There was teasing, laziness, and siblings trying to micro-manage each other. This type of behavior is not normal for the Peck family, so I assumed it would soon pass as we adjusted to regular life again. My plan was to correct the misbehaviors as they occurred as normal and trust that the selfishness problem would resolve itself.

Days and days went by, and the problem seemed to get worse, not better. I was experiencing what some parents probably experience when everyone is home from school for a couple of weeks and adjusting to a new rhythm of life. I didn't want to send my family packing, but I was concerned about the situation.

One evening when it was way past bed time, we were working hard on a family project when the Christmas contention hit its climax. The children were tired, the parents were tired, and the selfishness was at an all-time high.

One person gave criticism to another, and the criticism wasn't accepted or disagreed with in a calm way. Before I knew it, the whole family was adding their opinion to the situation, but not in the usual, calm way we normally discuss issues the family is facing. Instead, it was emotional. As I think about it now, I feel like we would have been better off had we gone to bed instead of stayed up working that night.

In no time the loud contention turned into very quiet contention. Quiet contention is actually louder than words. It is the kind of contention where people put up walls of emotion and process negative things in their minds, or plan things they wish they could say. This quiet contention divides relationships.

I talked about the situation with the group and the children responded pretty well to the corrections. Dad, on the other hand, wasn't in the mood to be corrected or to discuss the situation assertively. So the night ended with a heavy feeling still in the house.

Contention Finally Resolved

The next day was Sunday and is also "family meeting day" for the Peck family. Our family meetings have a pretty predictable format. We open the meeting by talking about the family schedule and making any important announcements to the family. Then we discuss topics that each person gets the opportunity to bring up. Finally, the meeting is closed with a summary of what has been decided. The meeting is only supposed to take 20 minutes - unless the family votes to extend the meeting time.

On this Sunday, after the regular announcement section, I felt like we needed to insert a new section into the meeting this one time. I called it "the apology section" to the meeting. The apology section went like this:

"Before we start topics today I would like to have an apology time. Yesterday we were working late into the night to finish our family construction project in time for Christmas, and we ended up driving the spirit of love and light from our home. I was part of that, and I am sorry. I would like to apologize to dad for giving him criticism about mismanaging his time. Now we'll go around the group and everyone can explain what they're sorry for. This will help us put our relationships first and strengthen our family bonds."

One by one each family member expressed their apologies for their behavior to the others the night before. After the apology time there was a tangible feeling of love and unity in the group. After that, we moved on to our topics to be discussed. It was heartwarming to see how we were very unified in our discussions and decisions that were made for the family.

Learning how to apologize is a vital adult skill to learn. In fact, I think there are many unhappy adults who have not yet learned it. Parents can lovingly set the example of how to use this skill during family meetings. Family meetings are the time the family checks up on the family relationships.

Be sure to not only discuss behaviors, but also discuss the feeling the family has for each other. This includes the strength of the family bond, the vision the family has for what kind of a family they're becoming, and the need to apologize when things don't go right. If the family comes to the family meeting with the attitude of apology in their hearts, then correcting the behaviors and instilling more love is much easier.

As a parent, I still don't like the part in the song about parents wanting their children to go to school instead of be at home. But, I do see how draining it can feel to be in an environment where the expectations for happiness are high, but the current feelings amongst family members are thwarting true happiness from prevailing. That can be very emotionally draining and drive family members to seek separation in order to feel like the situation is solved.

The answer isn't separating the family, the answer is unifying.

This article was originally published here. It has been republished herewith permission.

The post The secret to fixing Christmas fights appeared first on FamilyToday.

Could a 17-year-old youth really offer helpful advice to a struggling mother? Yes. I will explain how in a moment.

Screaming babies happen

Every mother has probably had or seen one of those emotionally draining grocery store experiences when their child is crying or throwing a tantrum. When this occurs, all she wants is to get out of that store as quickly as possible so she doesn't go insane.

When I was a young mother with a newborn baby screaming the entire time we were checking out, I had a life-altering experience.

As my son tested his young lungs to see how loud he could be, and as I allowed my stress to build, an older woman walked by and made eye contact with me. She smiled and said, "Be calm; let him scream. We've all been there. The most important thing you can do when your baby is crying in public is be calm and not worry about how other people are seeing you."

I instantly felt the truth of her words. She was right. My job, when I couldn't console him immediately, was to be calm and simply trust that it would not last and that he would be OK. Calmness is probably one of the rarest and most powerful qualities for us to develop. At that moment I knew I could choose calmness no matter what someone else was doing or thinking, and that I needed to develop that power for success in motherhood.

Tantrums and a wise 17-year-old

Paije related the whole story of the grocery store line tantrum. I could tell it really broke her heart that she felt powerless to help.

Paije was buying a few items when this mother with a full cart and son arrived at the self check-out. Her son, probably age four or five, was pulling on the mother as he was screaming, shouting and crying uncontrollably over a toy that he had been denied a few moments earlier.

"I "¦ want my "¦ motorcycle!!!"

The little boy said this over and over. The mother ignored him the first few times.

"I "¦ " he said as he heaved and sniffled, " "¦ want my motorcycle!"

"We'll talk about it tomorrow when you're calm and happy," his mother said.

"I want it "¦ now!" the boy screamed.

"No, we're not getting it right now," the mother replied.

As Paije was finishing up at the self check-out, the mother started yelling at her child to stop, clearly struggling to keep him in control. But she was losing her cool. The son then started to walk to the toy aisle to go get "his motorcycle," even though his mother had said "No." The mother then threatened him, saying, "I'm going to leave you!"

The son came back, even more upset than he was before, and they left.

We could take time to diagnose what happened in the above circumstances to cause this situation. Maybe Mom started a power struggle or has been worn down with tantrums in the past, which taught the child to act in this way. But in the end, it doesn't matter why the situation started. The only thing that matters is how to stop it from happening again.

Because my 17-year-old daughter regularly helps me train adult couples how to teach their children self-government skills, I asked her, "What would you have said to her if you had the chance?"

A letter from a 17-year-old parenting mentor

To the mother of the child in the grocery store line,

Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you were a bit stressed and upset with your son at the store. Don't worry; everyone has situations like this at one point or another. But, would you like some advice? There are things you can do to stay calm, while at the same time helping your child be calm as well.

Here are four easy skills children can learn to help them be more happy and obedient:

Following instructions

Accepting "No" answers/criticism

Accepting consequences

Disagreeing appropriately

The skills your strong-willed son needs most in situations like the tantrum about the motorcycle are accepting "No" answers and disagreeing appropriately. Then he'll be able to calmly explain his thoughts and choose to be "OK" and say "OK" when you still choose to tell him "No."

I was raised on these skills and have noticed over the years that knowing how to govern myself has given me a lot of peace, freedom and happiness.

Before your child is in a situation where he needs to accept a no answer, teach him these four steps and explain what the negative consequence will be for not doing one of the steps, and what your calm correction will sound like. Corrections should be predictable for children. This helps them decrease anxiety and remember their side of corrections. For negative consequences, we have always used extra chores, for example.

Each one of the above mentioned skills has its own skill set. This is the skill set for accepting "No" answers (Skills promote calmness):

Look at the person.

Use a calm face, voice and body.

Say "OK" or ask to disagree appropriately (This is another really useful skill to learn).

Drop the subject (This means no more talking about it or showing emotion because of the no answer or criticism given).

Learning self-mastery takes time and is a lifetime pursuit; so a child could still choose to have a meltdown. However, if the family knows the same skills and parents learn to correct calmly, the children will choose happiness and self-government - which are vital to a feeling of safety and family unity.

Respectfully yours,

Paije (age 17)

This article was originally published on Teaching Self-Government. It has been republished here with persmission.

The post To the mother of the child in the grocery store line appeared first on FamilyToday.

"If you get it out, put it away. If you turn it on, turn it off. If you take it off, hang it up." These are the mantras that echoed through my childhood home as my father reminded us to pick up after ourselves.

I remember trying to keep these things in mind when I was young, but still had the messiest room in the house; I was always the one that got reprimanded because I would walk in from school and immediately drop all my stuff on the kitchen floor.

All parents should teach their children to recognize messes, and then take action of their own accord to clean them up. It is a self-government skill to notice a problem and make strides in correcting it.

When I did foster care for troubled youth ages 12-18, I had to teach this skill to nearly every kid who came to my home. I found that lecturing, nagging and using emotions like anger or fear were not the right way to teach children to take ownership for their own messes. Instead, I found 3 tricks for getting kids to clean up after themselves:

1. Build confidence by pre-teaching skills

Children who know how a chore is supposed to be done ahead of time are more confident when it's time to do the chore. If a child doesn't know how to do a task and you assign them to do it without providing any instruction, they will feel anxious and will likely try to find a way to get out of doing it. By providing them with the necessary skills and instruction to do the task well, children are more likely to perform the task willingly and without a lot of supervision.

One of the best ways to pre-teach children to do chores is to do each chore with the child multiple times. As you do, talk about the necessary steps to complete the task and praise your child as he or she masters each step. This family work environment will not only create confident workers but will also build sweet memories and strong relationships. As they graduate from doing chores with you to doing them on their own, they will gain a vision of their own capacity to do hard and useful things.

Finally, the parent needs to pre-teach children about what consequences will follow according to how well the chore was completed. They need to understand the negative consequence of shirking chores or doing them poorly, but also should be informed of the positive consequences of doing a good job. In our family, a negative consequence would include extra chores added to your to-do list. Positive consequences include praise and high-fives.

2. Use the power of positive consequences

Whenever we instruct our children, we always include the concept of return and report. Our kids know that when they complete an assigned task, they should return and let us know how it went. This enables us to have a set time to praise them for a job well done and provide them with that necessary positive reinforcement.

We all learn self-government by observing the law of cause-and-effect. Oftentimes, in parenting, we teach our kids with negative reinforcement, with punishments for bad behavior to prevent them from making that decision in the future. To create a balance on the positive end, if parents establish a habit wherein children return and receive praise for doing a good job, their kids will feel more accountable and will get to see the positive effects of their actions. This creates a system of seeking positive consequences instead of just avoiding negative ones. It's a system that makes homes more positive and peaceful.

The best part of making a family habit of reporting is that parents have an opportunity to look into their child's eyes, smile at them and strengthen the parent-child bond through praise and affection. Your kids will begin cleaning up after themselves, knowing the positive consequences that are sure to follow.

3. Correcting and problem-solving skill development

To help children recognize the need to use the cleanup skill that has been taught by the family the child needs to know how to problem solve. This is a separate skill that can be picked up during the original pre-teaching sessions but often requires a separate teaching session.

When I was a foster parent, I learned a system for teaching problem solving called SODAS that worked like this: When a parent sees that their child needs a more detailed understanding of how to solve a problem, the parent would have the child do a SODAS exercise. Essentially, parents describe a situation to their child. The child then has the chance to think about the options available, to list advantages and disadvantages and finally to choose his or hers own solution. Then the parent does a written or verbal exercise with the child to help him see different solutions than he recognized before.

For children to learn cause-and-effect, they need to be consistently corrected when they don't do what was instructed. If children know they are supposed to clean up after themselves, that is an understood instruction. When parents see that instruction has not been followed, they need to have a calm, predictable and effective correction already in place. This gives children the opportunity to learn cause-and-effect, how to accept consequences and finally preps them to remember to tidy up in the future.

There aren't really tricks to helping children clean up after themselves. Tricks are just another name for manipulations. These three steps listed above are really a formula for preparing children to take ownership of their own behaviors by learning self-government.

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"What do you want your relationship with your child to be like?" I asked a group of dedicated parents attending one of my Teaching Self-Government workshops.

"I just want to be my daughter's friend," said one mother, "but she doesn't treat me like one, even though I try so hard."

"Who doesn't want to have a great, friendly relationship with their child?" I replied with a knowing smile. "We all do. However, treating your daughter like your best friend is not the way to end up with her as your best friend. I know that sounds kind of backward, but it's true. This is the reason why you're not best friends."

The role of roles

I continued to explain to that mother the importance of roles when it comes to our relationships with our children. Parents have a self-evident role as "The Mother" or "The Father" in their kids' lives. If parents try to exchange that role for that of the best friend, parents and children alike will suffer from feelings of imbalance, lack of identity and disconnection. Our familial roles actually help us become secure as we learn and grow. If parents assume the role of the best friend, that leaves the child without the mother or father that they desperately need.

Children rely on their parents to live their proper roles. When parents magnify their roles as leaders instead of friends, they will take the time to lovingly correct and instruct their children, which leads to greater feelings of connection and love in the long run.

While some people may choose friends that call them out on bad behavior, more often we choose friends that make us feel good about ourselves and accept us just the way we are. Our children don't need another friend — they need parents who love them enough to correct them and teach them and raise the bar for their behavior.

Parenting models

Once I finished explaining this concept of family roles, I looked to the mother only to see frustration still written across her face. She raised her hand to voice another point.

"That sounds like good advice but I want more than to just be the one correcting her all the time," the mother replied, the frustration still evident in her voice. "I want to have the kind of relationship that I had with my own mother when I was a young woman. We were best friends. I see parents and children all the time who are obviously best friends. They laugh and play and talk openly with each other. They respect each other and like being with each other. I want this kind of relationship with my daughter, too. But she doesn't seem to care about respecting me even though I am respecting her by being her friend."

I could see that this mother had bought into a popular idea floating around these days: that the only way to attain a loving, respectful, close relationship with her daughter was to be her friend instead of her parent.

I asked my daughter Paije, who was 15 at the time, to come to the front of the room. I asked her, "Paije, who is your best friend?"

"Well, you are my first best friend and my brother Quin is my second best friend," she replied confidently.

At this point confusion clouded the woman's face. I could see she was wondering why I was instructing her not to try to be friends with her daughter when my own daughter obviously saw me as a friend.

Next I asked Paije, "Who corrects you more than anyone else?"

"You."

"Who usually gives you chores to do?"

"You."

"Who helps you get calm when you have an attitude problem or get frustrated?"

A smile snuck across her face as she said, "You mom. You do all those things, but that's why we're best friends. You're a good mom. You do mom things. You help me be a good daughter and learn respect. When we are both living our best at our family roles then we just become best friends I guess."

The woman nodded her head and smiled to herself. She finally understood.

Looking at the woman I said, "I bet your parents taught and corrected you all the time. I bet they expected respect from you even when you were a little girl. This constant instruction led to deep friendship when you were older."

"That's true. I would never have gone against their teachings," she admitted. "I had forgotten that."

Solutions

Our family relationships are meant to supply us with the dearest friendships we experience during our lives. It's important to remember that deep friendship comes by living our family roles first, then enjoying the natural progression to friendship, as our children get older.

It's important to remember that when our children know they have parents who look out for them, it makes them more confident in all their other relationships outside the home as well.

"So you see," I explained to the woman at the workshop, "it is possible to have your child as your best friend. However, that friendship needs to be recognized as a result of teaching, correcting and loving as a mother and daughter should love. Hoping for friendship instead of, or as a substitution for kinship is wanting to live a lie."

To learn how to correct and teach your children while developing a deep connection go to http://parenting.teachingselfgovernment.com

The post Why you aren’t your daughter’s best friend appeared first on FamilyToday.

I countered with a question of my own: "What do you think of those parents who micromanage everything their child does? I think they call those 'helicopter parents.'"

She smiled at me and said, "Yes, helicopter parents are really controlling. That isn't good. The child can't make any decisions without the parent being there to make sure all goes well. But the answer to the helicopter parenting problem isn't becoming a free-range parent, is it? I just couldn't stop taking responsibility for my own child and couldn't allow my child to ruin someone else's house in such a disrespectful way as I have seen done."

My heart thrilled as I saw my friend sort these opposites out in her mind. There is hardly a hotter parenting topic than the free-range versus helicopter parenting discussion happening now. Some people have blogs dedicated to discussing free-range parenting, and there are even scheduled free-range parenting events such as a group who literally let their children walk alone through New York City.

Good Parents Follow Principles, Not Social Conclusions

As society tries to choose between these two extreme parenting models, it seems to most people that if one option feels wrong then the other option must be correct. I suggest that the answer may lie in the middle, apart from "flying things." After all, children aren't chickens, and parents shouldn't be helicopters.

I live in what is considered rural America where people do free-range chicken farming. At any given time of the day, I can drive my car down certain streets and see chickens on the side the road doing their thing. I have almost hit free-range chickens with my car and have seen dead chickens on the road.

Calling the type of parenting where parents let children walk home from a park or school alone "free-range" is not a good term to use at all. Chickens can't be taught safety but children can.

However, parents shouldn't hover. It can be damaging to a child to have a parent control every aspect of a child's life and constantly shield them from every garden hose they might trip on or every bicycle they might fall off. Not only does this teach the child that the world is not safe to set foot in, it also stresses the parent out. Stressed parents are not joyful parents.

A good parent doesn't look to social conclusions to determine how they will raise their children; they look to principle.

On Roles and Principles

Both free-range parenting and helicopter parenting are modern progressive forms of parenting that ignore self-evident roles.

The parent's role in a family is to teach skills and principles, correct problems, protect and nurture. The child's role in the family is to learn principles and skills for adulthood, grow, serve and help and find purpose for life.

If a parent lets her child run all over someone else's house or play roughly with other children, the parent is not doing her role. If the parent makes sure the child never does anything wrong and protects him from cause and effect or failure, then the parent isn't honoring the child's role as a learner.

A principled parent consistently corrects his child's problems and teaches him the skills he needs to conquer the problem with less correction in the future. These parents also deliberately give their child the opportunity to learn adult skills, like how to navigate a city street and how to get help in a public place. If all the parents involved in debating this social parenting decision are honoring their roles and their children's roles as described above, then both options are right.

Contrarily, if both types of parents are not honoring roles, but are simply going with the flow of a parenting model because it's considered "modern" and "progressive," then they're both wrong. Free-range parents would be wrong for abandoning their children when they need teaching and security, and helicopter parents would also be harming their children by eliminating cause and effect from their children's lives. Children need to be afforded learning moments after being taught correct principles.

Many people would probably call me a free-range parent. I want my kids to learn adult skills that they can do hard things, so I'll frequently let them ride long distances on their bikes or encourage them to do tasks on their own. Conversely, other parents might think of me as a helicopter parent since I advocate correcting children consistently, and even tell other parents that the key to correcting problems is to correct the problem the same way as often as possible.

Instead of considering myself either of these kinds of parents, I consider myself a principled parent. Principled parents know their roles, consistently correct their children to teach cause and effect, and always focus on deliberately teaching adult skills while still keeping the child safe.

What kind of parent are you?

The post Want to know who is actually winning this crazy free-range and helicopter parenting fight? appeared first on FamilyToday.