Like all addictions, the problem with resentment is that it creates a dependency on feeling bitter towards your partner. You become tolerant to feeling angry towards someone you used to love. If you feel that resentment is clouding your chance to be happy with your spouse, do these three things:

Stop digging into the past

Stop spending time worry about what you partner did or didn't do. If you do, you will become weighed down with resentment and regret, leaving no room to love your spouse. Though it might not seem like it, there are things they have done to make you happy. When you leave the past in the past, you can focus on a future together.

Stop avoiding problems

Problems left unresolved sit and fester until they explode inside of you. If you are starting to feel frustrated about some chore left undone or a broken promise, set a time to talk to your spouse about your anger. Don't bury the problem. Realize that you may need some space alone before you can calmly handle the situation. It's been said that a husband and wife should 'never go to bed angry', but there are times where discussing the problem in the morning can avoid a more serious issue. Avoid letting problems go unsaid; they only fuel your resentment.

Obey the Golden Rule

It's something you've heard since you were young: Treat others how you would want to be treated. This Golden Rule applies always, even in marriage. When you find yourself assuming your spouse is going to let you down, remember the Golden Rule. Give your partner a chance to prove you wrong. When you don't consider that your spouse may be tired or stressed out, pause for a minute and give him the benefit of the doubt. Being more courteous, patient, and loving in your marriage will help push away feelings of resentment.

Don't let resentment take over the chance to fully love your spouse. There isn't room for resentment in a happy marriage; do your part to remove this poison, and look forward to a having a wonderful life together.

This is an adaptation and translation of ¿Tienes resentimiento hacia tu pareja?. It has been republished here with permission.

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Translated and adapted by Anders Peterson from the original article "Finanzas familiares sanas en medio de una crisis económica global"� by Oscar Pech

When I completed my Bachelors of Arts degree, many of my readers hadn't been born yet. I remember that in my last class, I wanted to be the last one to walk out of the classroom. I turned the lights off and closed the door. That was something that seemed symbolic to me. I was sure that I would never put my foot in a classroom again. At that time, that was the way it was. You would graduate from college and be ready for life. You would get a job, you would keep the job forever, you would retire and then live your senior years peacefully. Everything was organized, planned, manageable and predictable.

The global economy we live in now has led to many changes in the definition of career paths and financial stability for families. Since 2009, the western world hasn't found a way out of recession. Many years ago, our grandparents used to say, "You should do what I did back in the day."� We can't do this. We can't advise our children how to survive in these modern times because we don't know how to do it. Circumstances change constantly and too fast.

Despite the fact that we can't teach our children to face reality the way we used to do it, we can teach them certain economic facts. These principles are applicable to any situation, regardless of how changeable the 21st century is. According to the Canadian banker Nathan Eldon Tanner, these principles are:

1. Before anything else, fulfill your obligations with God

In different religious denominations, families are expected to pay tithing, fast offerings, contributions and alms. These donations receive different names, however, religious leader David A. Bednar has said that when we fulfill our financial obligations with the Lord, "We often receive significant yet subtle blessings, which we never expect and can be easily taken for granted."� We may not receive a raise or any extra income. However, in return, we may receive a "greater discernment that will help us identify job opportunities that other people could take for granted, or the blessing of a greater personal resolution to look for job openings with a greater intensity and for a longer time than other people would be capable of. We may want and expect a job offer, but perhaps the blessing that we receive through the windows of heaven would be a greater ability to act and to change our circumstances instead of waiting for someone or something to change them."�

2. Spend less than what you earn

An old saying states: "If a man earns $10 and spends $11, that man is miserable. If a man earns $10 and spends $10, that man is and will be poor. But if a man earns $10 and spends $9, it is a fact that that man will be rich."� Save money. No matter how little the amount, save money. It will become the cushion that will prevent you from a hard blow with an unexpected crisis. A word of advice: do not only save money, but also store food and clothing. Avoid being a slave of fashion trends.

3. Learn to distinguish needs from wants

I may be wrong, but I have the strong impression that one of the things that made the United States a great power was that its inhabitants were frugal and industrious. If a family learns to live this way, ignoring the constant bombardments of the media and society, it will more likely be happy and have healthy finances. Seek earnestly to be financially independent. One of the things that caused the current financial crises that began in 2009 was living for self-gratification and consumerism.

4. Organize a budget and live within your means

In our society we have learned to see with evil eyes the word "limits."� We feel that limitations deprive us from liberty, that they make us lose our agency. It is quite the opposite. Regardless of what we think, we all have limitations regarding what we can spend. The person who doesn't comply with this, starts acquiring a debt. Then, this individual acquires more debt in order to pay the previous ones. By so doing, this person begins a race that will become a real nightmare. On the other hand, the person who knows how to administer his or her resources, to plan and have self-discipline, will have the rare gift of self-reliance.

5. Be honest in all your financial dealings

A friend tells his children that the first law of unsuccessful people is, "No one will ever know."� The second law is, "There will be no consequences."� My friend makes it sound like a joke, but it is also an undeniable law. The person that is dishonest in his financial dealings will dedicate a good chunk of his future running in order to avoid being overcome by the consequences of his poor choices.

Of course, there are other principles that will contribute to financial stability, but the aforementioned five principles are essential. If we learn as a family and teach our children to live up to these principles, we will be resistant to many social habits, to the financial circumstances that surround us and we will live happily with the satisfaction of managing our financial situation.

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There is an essential fact in our communication, which we may eliminate from the start: The real possibility of talking to each other when we only want to be heard instead of listening and understanding our spouse, children and parents. Moreover, we fail in our attempt to communicate once we think that everything is centered on us. This may happen when we assume that our spouse says or does something because of us. This is how things become distorted by misunderstanding what our loved ones say to us.

Authors Ellis and Harper (1975) provided a list of the most common misunderstandings. All of them have the same origin: irrational thought of everything that our spouse does for us. This usually happens as a process with three steps:

1. Our spouse does something.
2. We start a monologue within us in which we give certain intentions to the actions performed by our spouse.
3. We feel an emotion toward our spouse

based on the irrational monologue, not on our spouse's performed actions

This means that almost everything that our spouse does that irritates us in reality wasn't done with that intention. It is what we understand from their gestures, words, and actions.

The two most common ways of irrational monologue can be manifested as follows:

1. Phrases that victimize or make the other person look like a victim, such as "My husband is doing this just to annoy me."�

2. Absolute generalizations that imply phrases such as "always", "never" "ever." For example: "From now on"¦"; "I will never be able to do"¦" These two examples may be manifested in different ways. The following are some of the most common ones:

Polarization

This is related to perfectionism. This takes place when your children or spouse make a mistake, and this is enough for you to find fault in them. Anybody who does this is forgetting that human beings make good and bad choices. This distortion takes us to the next one:

Mental filter

We focus on negative details about our spouse to a point where we become blind about their positive qualities. I have known people that have the perfect spouse and everything in order to enjoy a wholesome life, but they are unhappy only because of a tiny disliking detail.

Mind reading

This is the tendency to think that we know what others are thinking and what their intentions are. Therefore, we believe that we know everyone's thoughts. The person who suffers this does not even bother to know if these intuitions are correct. In this manner, the person creates prophecies that are self-fulfilled due to the negative interaction with the other spouse, which generates the fulfillment of the above-mentioned expectations.

Excessive generalization

This takes place when we tend to make general statements based on one simple incident. The worst thing about this is that these statements turn out to be absolute and categorical conclusions: "I will never be able to""¦ "All men are the same""¦ "I will never be loved again""¦, "He will always be a failure""¦ This type of thought prevents us from using our free agency and the possibility to change not only for ourselves but also for our spouse and our children.

Personalization

This occurs when we place ourselves as the center of every problem, which may happen in two ways:

Perfectionism

This begins when we have certain expectations about our spouse and we want their adjustment. Therefore, when our expectations and their actions do not match, our answer is bitterness, frustration, and cynicism instead of being flexible.

Labeling

This could be summarized as "the measure of a human being is the mistakes he has committed." We label our spouse, children, and in-laws. From then on we stop seeing human beings as alive and dynamic individuals, but only as a label. We only see their external attributes, and we become partial to them.

It is very important to realize that our feelings are modified by our thoughts. Therefore, it is good to be conscious of emotions and factors that originate from the following aspects:

• The realistic appreciation of diverse circumstances, experiences and environmental stimulus.

• Distinguishing between preferences, wishes and real needs in order to maintain an adequate and proportional perspective.

The movie A Beautiful Mind premiered in 2001. The film depicts the life of John Forbes Nash, Nobel Prize winner in 1994, who begins to develop paranoid schizophrenia. The interesting aspect of this genius' life is that he was conscious of his disability. Given the fact that this is a chronic and incurable disease, he was able to live a pretty normal life in a controlled manner based on his efforts. Now, how does this story relate to our topic? The way Nash overcame the critical status of his schizophrenia was not through intervention or the elimination of his illusionary state. However, he was able to cope with them by avoiding feeding them. He said: "I still see things that are not there, but I choose not to see them. It is similar to a diet for the mind; I choose not to be indulgent with certain appetites." I believe this is the best way to avoid cognitive distortions that we all may have: to be conscious of them and to force ourselves not to see them, to avoid feeding them.

Published in Matrimonio by Oscar Pech on September 23, 2013

Translated and adapted by Anders Peterson from the original article "Por qué antes de entender a tu pareja debes entenderte a ti mismo" by Oscar Pech

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