She loved being a stay-at-home mother, and filled her family’s home with books. (All of her children could read before they started school, Ms. Birk recalled with pride.) She hoped one day to be a “cool” grandma who would share her favorite stories with a new generation.

But none of her children want to have kids. And though that decision is “right for them,” Ms. Birk said, it still breaks her heart. “I don’t have young children anymore, and now I’m not going to have grandchildren,” she said. “So that part of my life is just over.”

Like Ms. Birk, a growing number of Gen Xers and baby boomers are facing the sometimes painful fact that they are never going to become grandparents. A little more than half of adults 50 and older had at least one grandchild in 2021, down from nearly 60 percent in 2014. Amid falling birthrates, more U.S. adults say they’re unlikely to ever have children for a variety of reasons, chief among them: They just don’t want to.

“That is a best and worst thing about having kids,” said Ms. Birk’s husband, John Birk Jr., 55. “You watch them make their own decisions, different from your own.”

Still, would-be grandparents like the Birks may experience a deep sense of longing and loss when their children opt out of parenthood, even if they understand at an intellectual level that their children do not “owe” them a family legacy, said Claire Bidwell Smith, a therapist based in Los Angeles and the author of “Conscious Grieving.” It doesn’t help that our society tends to paint grandchildren as a reward for aging.

“You always hear people talk about how great it is to be a grandparent, how it’s better than being a parent,” Ms. Bidwell Smith said. “I think when people don’t get to experience that, there’s a very real grief that comes with it.”
It’s a kind of grief, she said, that our culture tends not to recognize, and that people don’t know how to talk about.

Feeling left out, without a legacy.

Christine Kutt, 69, had her only child at 42, after years of thinking she did not want to become a parent. The experience transformed her, she said, and she has loved being a mother. But her daughter is adamant she does not want children, pointing to her pessimism about the state of the world and climate change.

Ms. Kutt, who is divorced and lives in the suburbs of Chicago, vacillates between feeling supportive of her daughter’s choice and quietly hoping she might change her mind.

She dreams of being surrounded by grandchildren as she ages, passing on to them her family recipes and love of rock ‘n’ roll. Even when her daughter was little, she envisioned such a future. “I was like, ‘Oh my god, it’s so much fun to teach her all this stuff! And someday she’ll have children, and I’ll be able to teach them,’” she said.

Parents who are hoping for grandchildren are likely at an age when they’re experiencing a “shrinkage of time,” with fewer years ahead of them than behind them, said Maggie Mulqueen, a psychologist based in Wellesley, Mass. That can mean wrestling with existential questions about their lives and legacies, she said.

Dr. Mulqueen, who has counseled many baby boomers through their longing for grandchildren, has found that the decision to remain child-free can strain the parent-child relationship, particularly when a parent who has dreamed of grandchildren fails to separate any personal disappointment they feel from a sense of being disappointed in their children.

Ms. Kutt, wary of making that mistake, does not talk about the topic with her daughter often. “It’s been made perfectly clear to me that this subject is not to be discussed,” she said, though sometimes she cannot help herself. Ms. Kutt tells her daughter that the woman she is 10 years from now will not recognize the person she is today, and nudges her to keep her options open.

The situation can feel like a personal rejection for older parents, Dr. Mulqueen said. Some of her clients ask themselves: “Did I mess up as a parent so much that my kids don’t want to have children?” she said.

And when one’s peer group is deep in the trenches of grandparenthood — shuttling kids to soccer practices and ballet recitals, or spending disposable income on plane tickets for family visits, it can also make those without grandchildren feel left out in the cold, Dr. Mulqueen noted.

“It’s like when your friends are getting married, or when your friends are having children, and you’re not,” she said.

Grieving a child’s choice.

Like every parent interviewed for this article, Jill Perry, 69, said her two daughters — both in their 30s and child-free — should be able to make their own choices about parenthood, and they have her full support. But now would also be the “perfect” time for her to become a grandmother, she said. She was laid off from her job running a college student health center two years ago, after decades of working as an emergency room nurse.

When friends post happy photos with their grandchildren to social media, Ms. Perry often feels the tug of what might have been. Her house would be the “fun house,” she said, where little ones could paint, have adventures and make a mess.

“I think that’s the part I’m really struggling with,” she said. “Like, OK, I won’t be able to do that with grandchildren. So what can I do to fill that need?”

Ms. Perry stays busy with her husband, dogs, book club and playing mahjong. But she also feels a bit alone as time goes by. “Grandchildren bring such hope and light into your life,” she said. “To have that is a counterbalance, I think, to aging. Because aging is hard.”

Ms. Perry’s younger daughter, Emily Cox, 35, said her mother had, “at different points in our lives, made it very clear how much she would like to be a grandmother.”

While her older sister has always said she did not want children, Ms. Cox has felt more ambivalent — leaning toward not having kids because of concerns over financial stability, school safety, health care access and not having found a trusted partner.

“Part of my grief process has also been like, oh, is this something that I’m not able to give to my parents?” she said. “And what responsibility do I have for that?”

Ms. Bidwell Smith said that it was important for parents like Ms. Perry to give themselves permission to acknowledge and sit with their grief. For some, that is difficult — they may tell themselves they should simply get over it, because there are far more serious types of loss in the world.

To the extent it is possible, experts encourage non-grandparents to explore different sides of themselves. Those who miss spending time around younger children can find ways to get involved, Dr. Mulqueen said. One of her clients who had a background in accounting volunteered to tutor math at a local school.

Ms. Bidwell Smith said it could also help to ask: If the next chapter of your life does not include grandchildren, what new activities or adventures might be possible?

Ms. Perry’s husband, Dr. David Cox, 67, does what he can to avoid romanticizing the grandparent experience, clocking when friends grumble about having become an “overworked babysitter.” Still, he feels pangs of sadness, particularly when he and Ms. Perry pass a park full of happy kids. Or when he reminisces about his grandfather, who immigrated from Sicily and was, in some ways, more of a father figure to Dr. Cox than his own dad was.

“I think we both would have loved to pay that gift of unconditional love and guidance back in spades if we were grandparents,” he said, speaking of himself and his wife. “But, not to be.”

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

The post The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent appeared first on FamilyToday.

As the new coronavirus continues to spread, many people used to working in an office face a new sudden reality: working from home.

Instead of interacting with the co-workers whose rhythms and foibles you’ve learned over time, you might find yourself listening in on your partner’s calls. Or trying to chime in on an important conference call while your kid whines for an ice cream sundae at 9 a.m.

Even if COVID-19 isn’t in your area, the situation is so fluid that quarantines and strict social distancing measures may soon come your way.

So how do you work from home while remaining calm, productive and patient with your new co-workers (as it were)?

Plan in 24-hour chunks

Part of what makes the coronavirus pandemic so stressful for many people is how little we know about what is to come. You can’t control whether the virus is going to come to your area. You can’t control whether its spread is going to close down workplaces and schools. You can’t control how long any of this lasts.

What you can control (in addition to your own hand hygiene, of course) is what happens within your home every 24 hours.

“It feels bad to not have structure and boundaries,” said Perri Shaw Borish, a Philadelphia-based licensed clinical social worker who specializes in treating anxiety among parents. “It’s important to sit down every night and plan for the next day.”

That means taking a few minutes to look at a calendar and mark down any virtual meetings or important phone calls you have. Or any looming deadlines. If you’ve got kids at home, what is your general plan for the morning? What time is lunch? When are you signing off for the day? When are you going to do the other things you normally do, like shower, workout, etc.?

“We’re going to stick to our regular schedules as much as possible,” said Mikaela Kiner, a Seattle-area executive coach currently working from home with her husband and daughter. “Get up in the morning like it’s a normal workday. Exercise. Take proper meal breaks. Having a routine, especially for my 15-year-old, keeps us all productive and helps manage disruption and anxiety.”

Establish “blue zones”

First, consider carving out areas within your home that are strictly yours. Maybe you get the bedroom, while your partner works in the kitchen. Even if you live in a tiny apartment, you can give everyone their own little spot.

In addition, you want to establish what Britt Riley, co-founder of the Coggeshall Club — a combination daycare, co-working, and fitness space — called “blue zones.”

“They could end up being your car, or a corner in your bedroom or the bathroom — what you’re looking for are the quietest, most private and secluded parts of your home where you know have WiFi and cell phone service,” said Riley, adding that they might not be your favorite spots, but they should provide the most privacy. “Then you and your partner need to sit down and identify any calls or meetings that you’re going to take there.”

Work in shifts

If you’re home with kids who are demanding your time and energy, you’re probably not going to be able to work a typical 9 to 5 shift — or whatever the usual is for you. You can’t really change that it’s harder to get work done when you’re also parenting, so don’t try.

Instead, Riley advised talking with your partner about when you each are most productive. Are you someone who works really well in the morning? Claim that time to focus while your partner watches the kids. Are you more of a night owl? Put your partner in charge of dinner and bedtime. If you both like to work at the same point in the day, take turns.

“People are really productive when they know they have a set amount of time to get something done,” Riley said. “And you’ll be able to look back on this time together and say, ‘Wow, we really worked as a team.’”

Focus on the upsides

Yes, that’s a weird thing to say when a serious virus is spreading around the globe. But WFH experts say it can help to focus on the silver lining, which is the opportunity to spend time with your partner or kids in a way you don’t normally get to.

“You might have lunch as a family every day, and that might be just kind of the coolest thing,” Riley said.

It can also be pretty damn interesting to see your partner work, which is a side of them you might not often have access to. Let yourself be impressed watching your partner get it done.

“Yes, there is a very scary virus looming over all of this, but your home is your safe space, and your people are your people,” Riley said. “Try and frame it in a positive way, which is that you can work together as a team, plan the things you can plan, and spend this time together.”

Make “friends” with your anxiety

“It’s normal to feel anxious. It’s OK that you’re feeling anxious,” Shaw Borish said. “Probably the best thing to do is not to try and fight the anxiety. It’s to try and be friends with it.”

By that, she means not beating yourself up if you are feeling stressed, and not trying to push that stress away, either. People are stressed about the possibility of getting sick, very real and pressing questions about how they’re going to make ends meet and how they’re going to get their work done. Those are big, frightening questions. So take deep breaths. When you feel anxiety taking a hold of you, acknowledge it outright: Like, literally say to yourself, “I am feeling anxious right now — and this is a normal thing to feel anxious about.”

Then set some boundaries around your consumption of coronavirus-related news. You likely wouldn’t spend all day in the office reading or watching the news for hours on end, so don’t do it at home. Pretend your boss is peering over your shoulder if helps.

“Tell yourself that you’re not going to feed the anxiety,” Shaw Borish said.

This article originally appeared on The Huffington Post

The post How To Work From Home Without Losing It With Your Partner Or Kids appeared first on FamilyToday.

At some point over the last year, my 4-year-old got interested in guns. Every Lego creation he whips up now invariably comes with one gun — or laser, or cannon, or something in that vein. The sticks he has always picked up on his walks home from school now almost always become weapons. He recently offered me a lengthy and earnest tutorial on the fine art of making one’s fingers look like a gun. He is all-in on gunplay, and I find that ... weird.

The post What to Do When Your Son is Obsessed With Toy Guns appeared first on FamilyToday.