Is your marriage making you sick?

A 2010 study from Ohio State University showed that couples that fight "the wrong way" take longer to heal from physical ailments. While disagreements are inevitable in a marriage, there are things you might be doing that make it worse.

Psychotherapist Julie Hanks, LCSW, and executive director of Wasatch Family Therapist, said there are things we say to our husbands that can be detrimental to our marriage. Luckily, that can be avoided by choosing not to say certain phrases.

1. "Let me show you how to do it."

"I've seen in my own marriage and in my clinical practice that men feel good about themselves when the feel competent about solving life's problems," Hanks said. "Stepping in and directing your husband's behavior without him asking you to can send the message to him that he's not competent. When offering a suggestion to your spouse on how to do something it can help to approach it softly with something like, "I have a suggestion for you, if you'd like.'"

2. "My ex used to do it this way."

Never compare your husband to someone from a past relationship, Hanks said, even in jest.

"The simple fact that you're thinking about former relationships may be emotionally wounding for the man you love," she said. "Unless your husband comes out looking like the hero, comparing him to past relationships is a no-no because it may leave him wondering if he's good enough."

3. "If you really loved me, you would..."

This is an emotional trap for husbands, Hanks said.

"Using this phrase often makes [a] husband [feel] that he can't win," she said. "To prove that he does love you he has to give you what you want even if he doesn't think it's a good idea or he doesn't want to. Even if it works in the short-run, he'll likely end up resenting you sooner or later."

4. "Why can't you just be more like..."

Couples therapist Amber Cleveland Lewter, LAPC, warns against comparing your husband to your friends' or sister's husband.

"You married your husband because you love him, don't ask him to be someone else," Lewter said. "This statement is likely to cause shame or anger, neither will motivate him and either one will probably cause him to shutdown."

5. "You're acting just like your father."

"We all have feelings good and bad about our parents," Lewter said. "They are often more complex than others realize. While it may seem obvious to you that your husband is acting like his father or mother, the emotions that statement can bring are more complicated that you may realize. "

6. "You just need to put your foot down."

No man wants his wife to tell him to "man up," Lewter said.

"This is just emasculating," she said. "Calling his emotional strength or manhood into question will be damaging to both his self-esteem and your relationship."

7. "My ex always paid attention to me."

Again, comparing your man to someone else and telling him he doesn't measure will not inspire him to provide what you need, Lewter said.

"Instead it will cause or increase a rift, making him feel like he can't please you and possibly causing you both to question your worth or feelings," she said.

The post 7 things you should NEVER say to your husband appeared first on FamilyToday.

It's been several years since he made that decision, and, ever since, he has become firmer in his resolve not to go while I have become firmer in my resolve not to worry about it. I am letting him make that decision for himself, but it isn't always easy. As time goes on, he continues to decide which parts of my religion he believes and which parts he doesn't. Here's how I'm handling it.

Don't Take It Personally

My son is so much more than an extension of me. Yes, he has a lot of my personality traits. He has my genetics, and his smile is very similar to mine. We both share a love for movies and technology. But my son is his own person. He will grow up someday and head out into the world to make his own mistakes. He will love. He will get hurt. He will fall and (hopefully) get back up and be stronger. He will make decisions that will lead him to happiness or pain. As a parent, my job is not to tell him what to believe or how to act; it is to prepare him to make decisions for himself. When my son tells me he doesn't want to attend certain church activities, it would be easy to be hurt or offended and feel that he is pulling away from me. But then I remember that, as long as I give him the information he needs to make his own choices, it's not about me; it's about my son learning to trust his own decisions.

Listen

When my son first told me he had doubts about our faith, I'm pretty sure I politely argued with him. I probably told him that he'd grow out of his rebellious phase and would change his mind. After all, I never attended church as a child and later came to make it an important part of my life. "He'll grow out of it," I told myself. I have since learned that was not the right, or fair, approach. When my son tells me what he believes and what he doesn't, I don't argue with him. I let him tell me what he's feeling. I don't tell him he's wrong. I listen. And then I tell him that it's OK for him to feel the way he does. As long as he isn't doing anything immoral, breaking my rules or breaking the law, it's OK. The more I listen, the more he has a chance to talk through his thoughts with someone who won't take advantage of him or try to manipulate him. If I don't listen to him, someone less concerned with treating him fairly might.

Empathize

If I don't listen to my son, I won't understand who he is and what kind of person he is growing up to be. I didn't do everything my parents wanted me to do either. In fact, I had to learn several things the hard way once I turned 18. I went through major ups and downs, but it was through my trials and several horrendous mistakes that I found my church and then learned to make better choices, becoming a better person. My faith saved me and made me who I am today. My father wasn't too keen on my decision, either, but if I attended the church he took me to as a child, I know I wouldn't be the same person I am now. My son has to make those same choices for himself. When he tells me he doesn't believe in key components of my religion, I tell him that, though I hope he'll someday change his mind, our differing beliefs don't change our relationship. I tell him that I'm willing to answer any questions he has about the church I attend. I tell him I love him and always will.

Let Go

Knowing there is a good chance that my son will become an adult and never attend church again is still a bit unsettling. It helped calm my nerves, however, when I spoke to a young woman from my church who told me that, as a teenager, she had made decisions like my son's. At one point, she wasn't too thrilled about attending church, but time changed her mind and she is now very committed to her faith. Maybe someday my son will change his mind. Maybe he won't. But I have learned my son has a greater chance of growing up to make better choices than I did because I raised him with the tools and knowledge to do so. The rest, I have come to accept, is between him and God. I can't imagine a safer place for him to go with his questions.

The post What to do when your child rebels against your faith appeared first on FamilyToday.

According to Kerry Patterson, co-author of the New York Times best-seller Crucial Conversations, "couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who sweep difficult issues under the rug."

In his research, Patterson discovered that four out of five people believed poor communication played a significant role in the dissolution of the relationship. When couples avoid discussing sensitive issues in hopes of avoiding an argument, it actually builds resentment in the relationship. He said his research showed "what we don't talk out, we eventually act out."

Therapist Nancy B. Irwin said conflict arises with undelivered communication, unmet expectations or thwarted intentions.

"The best way to avoid conflicts, and/or do damage control, is to be assertive in your communications, and be as clear as possible," Irwin said.

She also suggested couples avoid having expectations of each other that were not clearly talked through and agreed on.

"Accepting disappointment by a thwarted intention or expectation can allay the upset," she said. "We do not always get what we intend! Seeing it as such, and finding another way to attain that goal can fulfill the expectation."

Marriage and Family Therapist Zora Kolkey said other top sources of conflict in marriage are sex, money and children. She said couples tend to argue over who their children become friends with, the child's choice of friends and the child's use of technology.

To avoid conflict, and an unhappy marriage, Judy Winkler said to remember that the relationship is more important than the decision or stance each person has chosen to take.

"We all want things our own way while we look good to those who matter to us," she said. "If emotions around a conflict last more than 10 minutes, you can be certain it has nothing to do with the current issue - emotions from the past have been stirred."

When handling conflict, Patterson suggested the following tips:

1. Manage your thoughts

Soften your judgments by asking yourself why a reasonable, rational and decent person would do what your spouse is doing.

2. Affirm before you complain

Don't start by diving into the issue. Establish emotional safety by letting your spouse know you respect and care about him or her.

3. Start with the facts

When you begin discussing the issue, strip out accusatory, judgmental and inflammatory language.

4. Be tentative but honest

Having laid out the facts, tell your spouse why you're concerned. But don't do it as an accusation, share it as an opinion.

5. Invite dialogue

After sharing your concerns, encourage your spouse to share his or hers, even if he or she disagrees with you. If you are open to hearing your spouse's point of view, he or she will be more open to yours.

The post Lack of communication a source of conflict in relationships appeared first on FamilyToday.

Keeping your man happy can be a challenge.

You've probably heard the phrase "If mom isn't happy, no one's happy." But an unhappy husband is just as difficult to handle. As it turns out, there are things we wives can avoid saying that get under his skin.

1. "We need to talk."

Carter Bailey, a 27-year-old husband from Texas, said unless you want to trigger your husband's "fight or flight" response, you're much better off saying what you need to say without starting with this line.

"Otherwise, you are setting him up to spending every single second between that sentence and the moment you talk worrying about what he did wrong or what went wrong," Bailey said. "If you want to scare him into an anxiety-ridden day, go ahead, but that's a cruelty that should be reserved only for the most heinous criminals."

2. "Are you sure I can't help?"

Bailey said that when your husband tells you, "I got this," he means, "I got this." Asking him again if you can help is like saying, "I don't think you can handle it."

"If you absolutely must offer your services again, say something like, 'OK, sweetheart, if you need any help, come get me and I will do whatever I can,'" Bailey said. "It's emasculating and looks like low confidence in your man to say, 'Are you sure?'"

3. "Did you do ...?"

"If he's trying to rewire the house (and) he's not an electrician (or worked with it"¨before), and he's forgotten to turn the breaker off, by Odin's beard, just say, 'You forgot to turn off the breaker, I'll go turn it off for you real quick,'" Bailey said. "Don't constantly nag him about, 'Did you do this... did you do that...?' He's a man. If he hasn't taken the time to go through all the steps, he needs to learn the hard way β€” unless of course he is working with 120v of potentially heart-arresting current."

4. "Do you think we're romantic?"

According to Bailey, this line screams, "I don't think you're romantic anymore." Bailey suggests finding better ways to encourage your husband to be the romantic partner he once was when you were dating.

"The joy of receiving flowers or candy or a romantic date night is just diminished when you overtly make suggestions about what he should do and when," Bailey said. If you really want to jump start the romantic bone, try being the romantic one. See what happens when your husband receives flowers from you for a change.

5. "Kids, don't listen to your dad."

Never criticize your husband's parenting in front of the children.

In researching his book, "Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man," author Elliott Katz heard men say how important it is that a woman not criticize her husband's parenting with the kids around.

"If there's a problem, talk about it privately," Katz said. "If you criticize him in front of the kids, he will feel undermined and may withdraw from parenting responsibilities - and you'll feel like a single parent."

6. "Would I marry you again? Does lightning strike twice in the same place?"

Don't criticize your husband in front of friends, even jokingly, Katz said. It won't motivate him to change. It hurts and will turn him against you in other ways.

7. "I should have married rich."

If your husband is working hard and doing his best to earn a living, don't criticize his ability to provide for the family. Not only is it hurtful, he may wish he had found someone more supportive, Katz said.

The post 7 more things you should never say to your husband appeared first on FamilyToday.

Is your marriage making you sick?

A 2010 study from Ohio State University showed that couples that fight "the wrong way" take longer to heal from physical ailments. While disagreements are inevitable in a marriage, there are things you might be doing that make it worse.

Psychotherapist Julie Hanks, LCSW, and executive director of Wasatch Family Therapist, said there are things we say to our husbands that can be detrimental to our marriage. Luckily, that can be avoided by choosing not to say certain phrases.

1. "Let me show you how to do it."

"I've seen in my own marriage and in my clinical practice that men feel good about themselves when the feel competent about solving life's problems," Hanks said. "Stepping in and directing your husband's behavior without him asking you to can send the message to him that he's not competent. When offering a suggestion to your spouse on how to do something it can help to approach it softly with something like, "I have a suggestion for you, if you'd like.'"

2. "My ex used to do it this way."

Never compare your husband to someone from a past relationship, Hanks said, even in jest.

"The simple fact that you're thinking about former relationships may be emotionally wounding for the man you love," she said. "Unless your husband comes out looking like the hero, comparing him to past relationships is a no-no because it may leave him wondering if he's good enough."

3. "If you really loved me, you would..."

This is an emotional trap for husbands, Hanks said.

"Using this phrase often makes [a] husband [feel] that he can't win," she said. "To prove that he does love you he has to give you what you want even if he doesn't think it's a good idea or he doesn't want to. Even if it works in the short-run, he'll likely end up resenting you sooner or later."

4. "Why can't you just be more like..."

Couples therapist Amber Cleveland Lewter, LAPC, warns against comparing your husband to your friends' or sister's husband.

"You married your husband because you love him, don't ask him to be someone else," Lewter said. "This statement is likely to cause shame or anger, neither will motivate him and either one will probably cause him to shutdown."

5. "You're acting just like your father."

"We all have feelings good and bad about our parents," Lewter said. "They are often more complex than others realize. While it may seem obvious to you that your husband is acting like his father or mother, the emotions that statement can bring are more complicated that you may realize. "

6. "You just need to put your foot down."

No man wants his wife to tell him to "man up," Lewter said.

"This is just emasculating," she said. "Calling his emotional strength or manhood into question will be damaging to both his self-esteem and your relationship."

7. "My ex always paid attention to me."

Again, comparing your man to someone else and telling him he doesn't measure will not inspire him to provide what you need, Lewter said.

"Instead it will cause or increase a rift, making him feel like he can't please you and possibly causing you both to question your worth or feelings," she said.

The post 7 things you should never say to your husband appeared first on FamilyToday.