I get the privilege of meeting with a lot of couples. Some of them are in the process of receiving pre-marital counseling. Others are friends that we're spending some time with. A few of them attend a marriage class that my wife and I teach. While others are in the midst of crisis. All of these meetings have a different flavor and feel to them, but there are some commonalities that exist across all of these different conversations.

Recently, I was meeting with a couple and they shared that they had had a fight recently. I was expecting, as the story unfolded, that this was going to be the kind of fight that would end their relationship. This was it. Unreconcilable differences.

As I listened on, I was surprised to find out that the fight was about cookies! Cookies! More specifically was that he ate the last cookie and didn't save any for her.

Now, as much as I can relate to someone eating the last cookie and that leading to a massive problem in a marriage that only years of counseling can fix, my first reaction was to tell the couple "If cookies are the worst of your issues, you'll have a long, happy marriage." I mean, really - cookies?!?!? I've interacted with couples that are dealing with unfaithfulness, alcoholism, and intimacy issues. But, cookies? That's a new one"¦

Instead of downplaying their issue, I found myself reflecting on my own marriage. Would my wife and I fight over cookies? Would it have to be a snickerdoodle or sugar cookie before it would start a fight? Would it matter if they were store-bought or homemade?

And then it hit me "¦

We DO fight over cookies! A lot. In fact, MOST of the fights we have are over cookies

Confused yet? Let me define "cookies" for you:

Cookies = Picking where we'll eat for dinner

Cookies = Changing diapers

Cookies = Doing the dishes, taking out the trash, running the vacuum

Cookies = Money, Children, Sex

Cookies = Anything that causes a fight but isn't the root cause of the argument

What was true about this couple's fight and what is true about most of the fights that me and my wife have is that what we're fighting about or what starts the fight isn't usually the cause of the fight. I would say that there are a few real reasons that couples fight and if we're able to identify this before a fight starts or gets out of control, we can have a happier marriage. These reasons include:

I'm being selfish

This is true for husbands and wives alike. We are naturally selfish and we really have to be intentional in our marriage about fight against our selfish tendencies. "Those cookies are MINE." "I baked those cookies so I get to eat more than you." "I have needs, I'm hungry, I haven't eaten all day"¦" I think you get the idea. If we are faced with an offense, we should first pause and check our motives. Am I upset because the other person did something worthy of my anger or is it simply a case of where our own selfish wants are not being met?

My love tank is empty

We've written on the subject of love languages before. But, most fights happen because of empty love tanks. I haven't had any quality time with my spouse. I've not heard any words of affirmation for weeks. My spouse hasn't served me. I've not received any gifts from him/her. We haven't touched one another for too long. You see, when we aren't being "loved," it's much easier for the small things (and big things too) to impact us at a much deeper level. So, it's not actually cookies that are causing the fights, but rather my need for an encouraging word from my wife about my work or parenting, etc.

Unmet expectations

Unmet expectations are a real "fight starter" in marriage. When we expect that our spouse will behave in a certain way (thoughtful, caring, etc.), we can be regularly disappointed. When we expect that our spouse will make a certain decision when faced with particular circumstances (disciplining our children, spending money, eating the last cookie, etc.), we can be hurt by their actual decision. When we expect that a moment (date night, vacation, etc.) will happen in a specific way, we can become disillusioned. Communicating about our expectations can alleviate the need for them to become unmet.

At the end of the day, most of the fights we have could be avoided. If we examine our motives, work diligently on filling each other's love tanks, and communicate regularly about our expectations, we can greatly reduce the impact that eating the last cookie can have on our marriage and our relationship.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Tim Parsons' blog. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Why cookies cause most fights in marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Tim Parson's blog. It has been republished here with permission.

About 10 years ago, my wife talked me into attending a counseling session with her. Leading up to this I was against going and it took a lot for me to walk in the door and go see a counselor. At the time, our marriage was not great "¦ it was ok, just not great. There were some things that Consuela said we needed to work on and counseling was the only way she could see us moving forward. So I went"¦

And then, I stopped going. I hated it. It was awful. A waste of time and money. And here's why I hated marriage counseling:

I had things to hide

Truth be told, I wasn't living my life in a way that honored God or my wife. I was doing things that I shouldn't be doing and I wasn't proud of the man that I was. I had skeletons that could fill an entire walk-in closet. I knew deep down that if I went to counseling, these things could potentially come out and then everyone would know the "real" me and they would not accept me.

I thought the counselor and my wife were going to gang up on me

Even worse, our counselor was a woman. I was outnumbered and I just knew that it was going to be 2 against 1. Besides, they had been meeting previously and I knew the counselor had all kinds of ammo against me. It was going to be a gotcha game and I didn't want any part of it. I had convinced myself that they only wanted me there so they could confirm all of the bad things that they already believed about me.

I didn't really want things to change

If I were being honest, I knew that if things were going to change, I would have to change. I was going to have to change some addictions that I held onto. I was going to have to change the way I treated my wife. I was going to have to change the way I lived my life. And, that seemed too painful to even consider. I was "fine" living the way I was - mostly because I couldn't imagine that things could ever be better or different. Because of this, I wanted things to stay the same because I had built up a life that I had grown comfortable in.

I was selfish

I was more concerned about how I would be affected versus how we could be healed. The life I was living was all about me - whatever made ME happy, whatever satisfied MY needs, whatever I wanted to do. I was wrapped up in ME and I wasn't worried about US. And, because I had things to hide, it was more important to me that those things were kept secret than we take steps toward healing and reconciliation in our marriage. My happiness trumped our oneness.

I was prideful

I said things like: "I don't need help, and even if I did, I could fix it myself." and "I don't need a map and I don't need someone else telling me how to be a good husband." I knew better than anyone else how to "fix" my marriage and I didn't need some outsider prying into my life. I had it all figured out and I didn't need any help.

Because of those things, I walked away "¦ and things got worse in our marriage, much worse. Now that our marriage is better, I am able to point back and say that one of the biggest reasons why is because of the counseling that I and we went through. That's right "¦ I went back a couple of years later. And it saved my marriage.

What's the one thing that's holding you back from getting the help you most need right now - in your marriage, with your kids, in your family?

The post Why I hated marriage counseling appeared first on FamilyToday.

Honoring my wife is a life-long commitment. There are days that are easier than others "¦ but it's important that I strive to honor her in some way, every day. Here are eight ways to honor your wife for a lifetime:

1. Talk to her

Don't just talk at her. Talk to her and with her. Share your life with her - your hopes and dreams. Tell her how beautiful she is and how much you love her, often. Carve out some time every day to turn off the TV, put away your cell phone, and just talk with her.

2. Save the best of you for her

I'm tired when I get home from work. I'm even more tired after I've played with my kids and we've put them to bed. But, regardless, she needs and deserves the best of me. Don't spend everything you have at work. Don't exhaust all the energy you have left with your kids. Give her the best. And that can be in the morning too!

3. Keep your eyes on her

Guys are visual creatures. It's easy for us to check out the girl with the low-cut shirt on at work, or tune in to the Miss America pageant in hopes to catch a glimpse of the swimsuit competition. Don't. The only woman you should be checking out or looking at in this way is your wife. And, guys, she sees the glances that you try to hide when you're together. She needs to know that she is the only one for you - in every way - especially physically.

4. Be consistent in your behavior

When your wife isn't around, you should act the same as you do when she is by your side. Most importantly, how we act when we're talking with another woman. In other words, would you compliment her like that if your wife were there? Would you touch her hand like that if your wife were there? Would you talk about that subject if your wife were there? Would you share that detail of your life if your wife were there? Be consistent in how you act and behave, especially when your wife isn't there.

5. Support her dreams

It can be easy to be selfish and make it all about you. And, as guys, this is especially difficult for us. But, if you're talking to her as I outline above, you're going to uncover her hopes and dreams for her life. You should be her biggest cheerleader. Support her with everything you have and all that you are.

6. Speak highly of her

Once again, this should be done when she's there and when she's not. And, the best way to do this is through a third-party affirmation. This is when you're talking to someone with your wife right there and you say "Let me tell you about how amazing my wife is "¦" or "Did you know that my wife is an amazing writer "¦" and so on. But, you definitely want to be sure that you're speaking highly of her when she's not around - especially when you're talking to another woman.

7. Handle conflict fairly

Fights and disagreements are going to happen. And, you're going to be tempted to go for the low blow and say something that will really hurt her deep. Don't do it. Fight fair. Don't bring up things that you know are hot buttons for her and don't use manipulation to win an argument. And, don't be afraid to be wrong "¦ or to give in. It's really OK to lose a fight to your wife. And, if you're communicating regularly on a deep level, conflict is much easier to resolve.

8. Give her full access to your life

Lastly, she should have full access to every area of your life - Facebook, cell phone, email, etc. This shows that you have nothing to hide and it builds an unbelievable level of trust with her (and it keeps you accountable). And, don't wait on her to ask you. Be proactive. Give her your passwords today and take a step to full transparency.

Will you get with your wife tonight and go down this list together to make sure you're on the same page? And, if you're a wife, will you LOVINGLY share this with your husband?

The post 8 ways to honor your wife for life appeared first on FamilyToday.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on nataliesnapp.com. It has been republished here with permission.

I've been married for over 14 years now. I'm not expecting an award or anything (unless you've got a spare one around the house), but in today's culture, another year of marriage is definitely worth celebrating. And, my wife, Consuela, and I have done more things wrong than right. I am learning new things every year about how to meet her needs and how to love her better.

If you'll allow me to generalize for a moment, we guys are not very good at sharing our feelings. We tend to keep things in and not share about what we need and want from you. We expect you to read our minds and to figure it out. And when you don't, we are disappointed.

So, in an effort to give you some insight into the male mind and to hopefully help your marriage grow and continue to get better over the years, here are 10 things that I believe every husband needs to hear from his wife:

"The work you do, matters."

At its core, I work because I want to care for my family. I want to earn a paycheck that provides for them, I want to set a good example for my children, and I want to leave a legacy for my family that lasts. It's important that my wife tells me regularly that the work I'm doing matters. Otherwise, I will lose motivation and lack the focus to do it well.

"You're an excellent provider."

I am the only one earning a paycheck in my house. But, there was a time when I wasn't. And in both instances, it was/is important that my wife affirms that I am a good provider for my family. Like I said in the last point, I work so that I can provide and I need to not only know that the work I'm doing matters, but that what I'm providing is enough in the eyes of my wife.

"You're attractive."

But don't use the word "attractive." Use sexy or hot or sexy and hot together! Guys don't tend to communicate this need often and can even give off the vibe that it's not important to them. He wants to know that he looks nice when he takes you out on a date or gets dressed up for church.

"You're a great dad."

Don't just say "you're a great dad." Rather, be specific and say "when you were playing with Victoria last night, that was really good to see." Or, "when you were disciplining Samuel this morning, that was really effective."

"I notice when you try to serve me."

In his (sometimes feeble) attempts to do the right thing and serve you, notice it! Tell him that you notice it and encourage him. This will lead to repeated efforts in the future.

"I support you."

When he's dreaming about the future. When he's attempting something outside of his comfort zone. When he's going after that promotion. He needs to hear that you support him. You should be his biggest cheerleader when he is going after the riskiest parts of his life.

"Thank you."

I don't think these two words can be over-used. Guys need to feel appreciated ... even for the things they SHOULD be doing. Taking out the trash, mowing the grass, etc. But, especially with the things he does that is above and beyond. Your gratitude speaks to him like no other voice in his life.

"I'm sorry."

If you've messed up, say you're sorry. Don't wait on him to go first. If he's going through something tough at work, tell him you're sorry. If he is grieving the death of a family member, tell him you're sorry. If you've disappointed him, tell him you're sorry. These words will heal his heart and lead to him opening up to you more often.

"Go, hang out with your friends."

His friends are important. They're important to his emotional well-being, but they're also important to your marriage. If he can regularly hang out with friends, it will help him be more present when he is with you.

"I love you."

This one probably goes without saying, but he needs to hear that you love him. Even when he fails as a dad or husband. Even when he lets you down. Even when you don't "feel" like it. He needs to hear that you love him. Every day he needs to hear those three words from you.

I'm sure that your husband could probably add something even more specific to this list. In fact, why don't you ask him tonight?

At the end of the day, it's important that you're affirming your husband, building him up, and showing him respect. These are the ways that he feels most loved and it's the way that you can fill his love tank to overflowing.

Which of these do you say most often to your husband? Which of these is the hardest to say to him?

The post 10 things every husband needs to hear from his wife appeared first on FamilyToday.

It happens all the time. My wife and I hear things about our marriage that makes us smile. Things like: "You look so happy!" "You act like newlyweds!" "You can't relate with what I'm going through because your marriage is so good." "You two never fight."

We don't smile because these things make us happy...we smile because very few people know our story. And everyone has one - even us.

It wasn't that long ago that Consuela and I were at the point of divorce. Things were not good and our marriage was in crisis. I don't say this lightly. We were at the point of no return - or at least we thought.

We were meeting with pastors and counselors trying to restore what once was. We were working through the most painful thing that I have ever personally been a part of.

As I reflect back on that time in my life, there are some things that if I had only understood them fully when I got married, the crisis that we found ourselves in could have been avoided. Here are five of them:

1. There is no plan B

My marriage is for life and only ends in death. It sounds a little dark, but it's truth. When I took a vow to love her for life, I committed to make it work no matter what.

My mindset was that I was going to leave my options open. If being married didn't work out or if being with Consuela didn't last or if she didn't make me happy, I wanted to make sure I had a way out or, worse, another option. But, in marriage there is no plan B. Plan B's open the door and kept me from fully committing myself to my wife and our marriage.

2. Marriage is not about my happiness

So many couples make this mistake. You hear it all the time. And, I believed it back in 2000 when we walked down the aisle together. I thought, "Consuela is my wife so that she can make me happy. That's what wives do. And, if she isn't making me happy, then I need to find someone or something that will."

The truth is, marriage is about so much more than my happiness. And, she can't carry the burden of my happiness. Happiness is subjective and relative and as a man, my definition of happiness changes so much that there's no way she could keep up with all my demands. Marriage is about mutual love and respect and honoring God through our faithfulness. It is not about my happiness.

3. Communication is more effective than silence

I'm an introvert. I'm also a man. So, talking about my feelings is as foreign and uncomfortable for me as flying an airplane. My default when something upsets or bothers me is to be quiet - and alone. There comes a point when those feelings become so suppressed that I begin looking for unhealthy ways to channel my anger, depression or whatever is bothering me.

What I've found is that no one loves me and cares for me and no one can minister to me like Consuela can. I can feel confident that she will handle my insecurities and emotions delicately. And, if I am upset with her, she is the only one who can fix it - so why not share with her.

4. Serving her benefits me

I always recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" to those who are getting married or anyone who is already married. It changed the way I viewed my relationship with my wife. We naturally try to love others how we want to be loved - but if that isn't their love language, the efforts are somewhat meaningless.

Although service to my wife is something that I should and must do in order to have a healthy, happy marriage - I found an interesting phenomenon. When I serve her, it actually benefits me. Don't get me wrong, we should serve not because of what we get in return. But, it's pretty cool that we do get something back when we serve our spouses. I find that when I serve her (empty out the dishwasher, for example) it fills her "love tank" to the point where she wants to do the same for me. Pretty cool, huh?

5. Conflict is not a sign of dysfunction

In any relationship - work, family, friendship, etc. - there is going to be conflict. It is normal and OK. For some reason, many of us put marriage in a different category. We think if we're fighting or arguing that there must be something wrong with our marriage. We immediately jump to the conclusion that our marriage is dysfunctional or damaged in some way.

And, when we think our marriage is dysfunctional, we begin thinking about plan B's, we stop communicating, and we stop serving. But, conflict in marriage is normal.

It's how we choose to work through those times that determines how healthy or damaged our marriage is. I've found that viewing conflict as normal has helped me not hold onto offenses, helped me say I'm sorry much quicker, and work hard to resolve conflict as soon as it happens.

As you can probably tell by the beginning of this post and the comments that we regularly receive - Consuela and I have an awesome marriage, now. It is better than it ever was. Even better than it was the day we got married! Especially now that I know these five things about marriage.

What about you? Have you found similar things in your marriage? What would you add to this list?

The post 5 things I wish I knew about marriage BEFORE I got married appeared first on FamilyToday.