Bullying is any aggressive behavior intending to cause distress, fear or harm to another person. It can happen at school, on the playground or in the neighborhood. Bullies injure other children verbally, physically, socially or psychologically. Bullying is repeated because the perpetrator feels powerful. If you suspect that your child is the victim of bullying, watch out for these five warning signs:

Withdrawal

Children who are usually happy and outgoing unexpectedly become withdrawn and fearful. Their personality or behavior regresses to being sullen, evasive, sad or moody. A child who usually has no problem going out the door each morning suddenly decides they do not want to attend school or join in any activities with other children. Bullied children often express that they feel lonely or that they have no friends. Young children who are bullied do not want to be left alone and become clingy.

Physical signs

Bumps and bruises are normal for children when they play, but unusual or frequent facial or head marks, cuts, scratches or an unexplained limp are reasons for concern. Children that complain of head or stomachaches or frequent the school nurse's office could be suffering from physical abuse. Conditions like these are the result of pinches, kicks, punches, trips, pushes or other aggressive behavior by a bully.

Emotional distress

If a child is verbally or physically abused, their self-esteem diminishes. They express that they are "not good enough" and blame themselves for their problems. They have sleep difficulties and nightmares. Children who are bullied cry more often easily and may even wet the bed.

Their interaction with their siblings becomes strained. They take out their frustrations on them as a way to deal with the abuse. A child who is emotionally distressed stops eating regularly or eats more as a way to cope. Things that they once enjoyed do not seem interesting anymore. They may also become obsessed with how others view them on social media or suddenly get off social media all together.

Property damage

Once a bully has established his unchecked dominance over another child, they make demands on them. Money, toys, homework, school supplies and food become ultimatums. They take backpacks and steal whatever they want. They tear clothes to further mistreat the victim. A child whose possessions are often "lost" or damaged are covering up where they actually are to avoid further confrontations. Additionally, children who are ravenous when they return home from school could have fallen prey to a bully.

Unfocused

Children who are bullied suddenly have a significant drop in their grades or performance. They are unable to concentrate on their assignments or focus on the task at hand. Their minds are full of worry about what could happen later and they feel helpless to control the situation.

These above are typical warning signs that a child is being bullied and needs your support. You know your child better than any other. Every child is different and has an occasional "off" day. Look for changes in patterns of behavior typical for your child. Any of these signs could be indicative of other problems, but are definitely worth looking into.

If your child is being bullied, check out StopBullying.Gov for additional help and resources.

This article was originally published on Smarter Parenting. It has been republished here with permission.

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Recently, your son has hung out with a new friend every day after school. When he doesn't come home for dinner one day, you decide to call the house where he says he's been hanging out. His friend's mom answers the phone and is surprised to hear you ask about him being there because her son has told her they were hanging out at your house every day.

Your daughter's grades have declined since the beginning of school and are now at an all-time low. You have casually asked about her lowering grades, but she gives no explanation.

When checking your son's phone, you find that he's been looking at inappropriate pictures.

These are only a few situations when a parent needs to have a difficult conversation with their child. As much as we teach and prepare our children to make good decisions, there will still be times when they make a poor choice. Here are five tips to help these difficult conversations be calm and productive for both of you:

1. Plan what you want to discuss

It can seem less awkward to talk to your child without preparing what you want to say, especially if a negative situation came up suddenly. However, you will convey your thoughts, values and emotions more clearly if you have planned your discussion ahead of time.

Depending on what your child wants to talk about you might need to be flexible and switch topics, but still have an outline of the what you want to express. Include your spouse, and/or any other parents or guardians in what you plan to discuss. If possible, they should be a part of the conversation as well, but if they can't be there, make sure all adults involved agree on what will be said and any changes that may occur as a result.

2. Schedule a time to talk

Don't catch your child off-guard. When they know in advance when you'll be talking and what you'll be talking about, they'll be more likely to respond calmly. It also gives your child time to plan what they can add to the conversation. For many kids, scheduling an activity that promotes discussion (such as going on a hike or playing basketball) is a more productive way to stimulate discussion rather than sitting down in a room talking face-to-face. Explore options to help your child feel most comfortable when having a difficult conversation.

3. Remove distractions and interruptions

Before having a difficult conversation with your child, turn both of your phones off and place them where they can't be seen. In today's world of constant emailing, social media and texting, it's increasingly difficult to discuss important topics without getting interrupted. Pausing a conversation to respond to someone else can leave your child feel unimportant. Choose to meet somewhere away from other family members so they can't overhear or interrupt the conversation.

4. Be ready to listen and receive feedback

Have an open mind when communicating with your child. The conversation doesn't need to be long, but your child needs time to talk and to be heard. When given the time to talk and explain, children often feel comfortable admitting that what they did was wrong or that they could have done things differently. They are also more able to accept any consequences that need to be given. Remember to use praise and empathy to validate your child's feelings. Only when your child feels comfortable and validated can you find solutions that everyone can agree on.

This article was originally published on Smarter Parenting. It has been republished here with permission.

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Adults themselves have difficulty embracing change, so you can imagine how much harder it can be for children.

What does "freaking out" look like?

What "freaking out" looks like is different for every child, but the behaviors fall into two categories: passive resistance and aggressive resistance. Aggressive resistance includes behaviors such as yelling, hitting and stomping ... like a tantrum. Although the behaviors may not seem as destructive or severe, passive resistance is also very difficult to respond to. Passive resistance reactions usually include refusing to go somewhere or participate in an activity or task, avoiding communication and self-isolation.

How the brain plays a role

It's important to first understand a child's development and how it relates to their ability to cope with new situations. This article explains that the frontal lobe (which isn't fully developed until around age 25), helps with problem solving, memory, language, judgment, impulse control and social behavior. Because your child's frontal lobe isn't fully developed, it

is biologically difficult for most children to adequately label and express their emotions.And while older children and teenagers better understand appropriate social behavior and how to cope with change, they still struggle with the impulse to lash out.

As the article points out, freaking out is "not only normal, but reasonable" based on a child's brain development.

But don't get discouraged and think that you'll have to wait until your child is 25 to see improvement in their behavior. The good news is that as a parent you can help your child prepare for changes of all kinds. Escalated responses are a natural consequence of brain development, but there are other causes that contribute to meltdowns:

1. Fear of the unknown

One of the most common and well-known causes of freaking out when your child is introduced to a new situation. When a child doesn't know what to expect, they can experience anxiety. That uncomfortable anticipation is often more unsettling than the actual event.

2. Feelings of incompetence

A child may believe they don't have the skills or knowledge necessary to do well in the new situation. Because of this, they resist change by having a strong emotional reaction to stop possible embarrassment or failure.

3. Not knowing why

As parents, we may think we are being very clear about an upcoming situation, but according to a child's underdeveloped language and comprehension skills, we aren't making sense. Our children may not fully understand what is going to change or why it's going change. They may also not understand why this chance is necessary or what good will come out of it.

4. Change of routine

Establishing routines help children feel secure and in control. If routines are comforting to your child, it's understandable that any change in that schedule can produce an anxiety fueled meltdown.

How can you help?

Although you can't take away all fears, as a parent, you can help prepare your child for the new experience by explaining the events ahead of time. Explain what your expectations are for them. Make your children aware that something unexpected may come up and then create a plan of how to react appropriately. Most importantly, role-play different scenarios often before the new experience. Role-play is the best way to set your child up for success. Fear is reduced when children feel prepared and have practiced the appropriate behavior several times.

Even with preparation, your child may still have a negative reaction. Prepare yourself to respond appropriately as well, no matter your child's reaction.

If your child is not able to function well on daily tasks, has suddenly stopped participating in activities that were once enjoyable, has physical pain with no medical explanation, and/or experiences frequent panic attacks, seek help from a therapist or psychologist. Children diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Autism also have a higher tendency to react negatively to new situations. If your child struggles in some of these areas, much can be done to help them gain the skills they need to succeed. Seek extra help, if necessary.

This article was originally published on Smarter Parenting. It has been republished here with permission.

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Most teens have intense, rapid-changing emotions and many have brief episodes of depression at some time in their junior high or high school years. These heightened emotions can often be explained by hormonal changes, peer pressure, their strive for independence and concern about how others perceive them. But long-term changes in mood and behavior can be a sign of something more serious. Depression is not something that can be overcome by willpower, but requires additional skills, usually developed through the help of a professional.

Look for these signs in your teen to know if you need to seek additional help for them:

1. Loss of interest in activities once thought enjoyable

It's typical for teens to change interests over time, but if your child suddenly stops participating in activities that they've always been interested in, and doesn't replace them with new interests, it can be cause for concern. This can move beyond disinterest in enjoyable activities to lack of participation in everyday tasks. The DSM (or diagnostic and statistical manual for mental disorders) explains that those suffering from depression lose pleasure in activities for a period longer than two weeks.

2. Spending less time with friends and family

One significant sign of depression is how a depressed teen begins to interact with peers and family members. He or she may be especially irritable, become angry easily, and show more verbal and physical aggression. On the other end of the spectrum, depressed teens may become withdrawn and seclude themselves for long periods of time. Time spent interacting with people is often replaced with increased time on the computer or playing video games.

3. Declining school performance

Declining school performance is one of the first tangible signs of a child struggling with depression. This includes decreased effort on assignments, skipping class and a lack of concern about their declining grades. Depression often causes an inability to concentrate, which also affects school performance. They may become oppositional toward teachers or other authority figures who encourage them to work, and easily stressed over ordinary tasks and assignments that they didn't have trouble completing in the past. If a child has a job, the same symptoms can carry into their workplace.

4. Change in sleep and appetite

Depression is often associated with no desire to get out of bed and if they are sleeping most the day. Although this is a common symptom of depression, sleep can also be affected in the opposite way, leading to insomnia. A significant increase or decrease in weight and appetite is also a sign of depression. You know your child best to determine if your child's sleeping and eating habits have changed slightly due to normal circumstances, or if the changes are significant and prolonged, indicating that something more serious is going on.

5. Self-harm and/or suicidal thoughts

Self-harm is when someone physically hurts themselves on purpose. Some common examples are cutting, scratching or burning. Attempted suicide is the most severe type of self-harm. If your child has shown these behaviors, remain calm and ask questions to gauge the severity of their thoughts. Do not overreact or become angry. This will push them further away from communicating and encourage them to hide their negative behaviors, which is the opposite of what you want.

There are many reasons for why a teen may participate in self-harm such as the need to feel in control, to distract from overwhelming emotions, relieving guilt or to avoid feeling numb. If you have noticed your child participating in self-harming behaviors, talk to them about the benefit they receive from harming themselves and help them replace the behavior. If your child has a plan for attempting suicide, seek help immediately, even if your child does not want help. Safety comes before the fear of offending your child when they are struggling with suicide ideation.

The good news is that most depression in teens can be improved by seeing a mental health professional. Occasionally a teen may need medication for a brief period of time, but it's most important that they learn the skills to appropriately deal with their depression. Be supportive of their efforts and continue teaching skills and maintaining appropriate boundaries. Practice having open communication so your child feels comfortable coming to you when they need to express their emotions.

This article was originally published on Smarter Parenting. It has been republished here with permission.

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Think before you speak! This goes for parents too. In our busy parenting mode, we use phrases that do not make complete sense to our children. Make sure you know the circumstances before you blurt out something you will be sorry for later. Here are five examples:

"Good job!"

Children like to share their accomplishments with their parents. When we merely say "good job," it is inadequate as a response. Tell them why you think they did a good job, or how it made you feel. If it is something a child has been working hard on like a school project, be lavish with your praise. Issue superlatives such as "amazing," "terrific," or "fantastic." This will let them know that it was worth the effort. If your child helps you around the house, they deserve a sincere "thank you" to encourage them to be helpful in the future. Notice whether or not they truly did a good job, and give them appropriate praise or constructive criticism so they know how to improve. Be more specific rather than general in your praise.

"Because I said so!"

If a child asks you "why?" when you have said "no" to a request, give them an explanation. Of course, it takes longer, but the effort will show them that you really care.

Effective parenting keeps the lines of communication open. The answer "because I said so" puts an abrupt end to that. If the child understands the reason for a negative response, it will help them make wiser requests in the future. Help them know that you are concerned for their welfare and safety. Take some time with your family to set up rules and schedules so the child will be aware of the parameters.

"You are so messy!"

Labeling with any number of negative terms can be damaging to a child. Instead, suggest ways a child can improve without condemning them. Try to use motivational adjectives rather than put downs. If a child always makes a mess, help them come up with ideas to be more organized. With a little instruction and a few tools (baskets or drawers), children can learn to keep their things in their proper place. By repeatedly calling them "messy," you are reinforcing their behavior.

"Why do you always...?"

The terms "always" and "never" are hurtful and not true. Eliminate them from your vocabulary. If you are frustrated with a child's behavior, be specific and purposeful with your words instead of using absolute statements. In a calm manner, explain to them what it is they are doing that upsets you. They may have a reasonable explanation and together you can solve the problem and move forward. Absolute statements are more revealing about the character of the person saying them. Avoid using them with your spouse and children.

"I'm busy..."

When you are preoccupied, and your child keeps seeking your attention, give them a time limit. Advise them how much longer you will be busy and that you will then spend time with them. Perhaps they have a real emergency that requires your immediate attention. Take note of what they are saying if only for a second, so you know how to respond. If you are overwhelmed, you can refer them to your spouse or a friend so they can get the attention they require. Constantly ignoring them for insignificant activities makes them feel insignificant.

Our words are very important, especially when communicating with those we love. Words hold power and reveal our character. Choose wisely the phrases that you use with your children daily. Remove vocabulary that demeans or labels your child.

This article was originally published on Smarter Parenting. It has been republished here with permission.

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There is a common adage that says "respect must be earned." But how can a child earn respect if they do not understand what it is? Respect is not an innate characteristic of a small child. As their parents, you play the most important role in teaching them what respect means.

Here are ten ways to respect your children:

Teach by example

Children should be taught to not interrupt when an adult is speaking. But how many times do parents interrupt a child when they are talking? Your words about being respectful don't make a difference if you aren't teaching by example.

Respect your child's personal space

Children have different needs when it comes to personal space. Learn to respect what each child feels comfortable with. One of my grandchildren has long hair. She has told me that she doesn't like it when I rearrange her hair or play with it. I now know to respect her space by not touching her hair.

Make them feel comfortable around you

If a child is bombarded with questions when they get home from school, they may put up a wall. Instead, welcome them home and give them a chance to talk about their day when they feel like it. Let them know you missed them when they were away and are now happy to see them. Treating them with love and respect will let them to know they are in a safe environment.

Be slow to solve all their problems

If a child approaches you with a problem, be empathetic and ask them what they think would be the best solution. Tell them what possible solutions you think there are and let them make the choice. They will feel empowered if you give them a chance to make decisions on their own. While you may be able to solve all their problems easily, be respectful when you correct your child.

Avoid constant ordering, correcting or directing

Invite, rather than demand, your children to help you. Set boundaries and let them work within them. Children often rebel and push parents to the limits when they are forced to do things. Respect their time, limits and wishes (as long as they are reasonable). Show appreciation for any help a child gives you.

Build them up

So many things can affect a child's self esteem. The way you treat your child should not tear them down. Encouraging words can influence how their day goes despite how their friends and others treat them. Children need to know that you have their back and that they have a safe refuge from the world. Pray with and for them before sending your kids out the door with a smile. Children who feel good about themselves are more likely to give respect to others.

Encourage them to participate in extracurricular activities

Model the behavior you would like your children to adopt. Be involved in a particular activity such as singing, playing an instrument, crafting or other interest in your spare time. Ask them what you kids would like to try to accomplish and support them in their endeavors. Praise when they are successful and help them when you can.

Help others in need

When you show respect to neighbors, your kids will see your example. Taking a meal to someone who is ill or watching their children can influence your kids' behavior. You can also encourage your child to share with their siblings and others. Praise them for being respectful by giving to others.

Compare them only to themselves

A child who is always compared to siblings, cousins or parents will always feel inadequate. Treating them as an individual will have better results. Each child is so unique and has their own set of talents and attributes. I have a grandchild who has special needs and she has very high self-esteem because her parents treat each of their children with respect and love.

Give up the need for power

Power struggles rarely bode well in families. Daily conflicts with children create disrespect. Mutual respect between parents, spouses and children can solve daily challenges. Show your children respect and they will respect you.

This article was originally published on Smarter Parenting. It has been republished here with permission.

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The number of words a child knows when entering Kindergarten is a key predictor of his or her future success. Consequently, reading aloud to kids is one of the single most important things parents can do to help their kids learn those vital words in the early years and get a good start in life.

Sometimes it can be hard to get a toddler to sit still long enough to get through a whole story, but choosing books that are specifically geared toward the youngest learners in your family can help make story time a success.

Here is my top 10 list of books your toddler will love. They are specifically geared toward children ages 1-3 (who are in a critical stage of brain development) and have been chosen based on the following four qualities of toddler-friendly books:

1. Simple text

Most toddlers don't have the attention span for a long story. Books with just a few words on a page are best to keep the momentum going... especially when your little one just wants to keep turning the pages.

2. Rhyming

Through rhyming text children learn the cadence and rhythm of language, which will benefit them as they learn to talk and eventually read on their own.

3. Bright colors

High-contrast illustrations grab the attention of young children (why do you think they all love Chicka Chicka Boom Boom?)

4. Repetition

Books with a repeated pattern appeal to young children's desire for order and build their confidence in their ability to predict events.

Top 10 best books for toddlers

1.

Blue Hat, Green Hat by Sandra Boynton

Sandra Boynton has a whole library of awesome toddler books, but this is one of our family's favorites. Toddlers think it's hilarious that, page after page, the silly turkey can't manage to get his clothes put on correctly...oops! It is also great for color identification and vocabulary development.

2.

Go, Dog. Go! by P.D. Eastman

There's a reason that this book has endured for more than half a century as one of America's most beloved children's books. Not only are the imaginative illustrations engaging for young kids, the simple descriptive text is fabulous for expanding vocabulary skills.

3.

The Pout Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen

This sweet story about a grumpy fish who just can't seem to turn his mood around has a great message about kindness. Additionally, the skillful rhyme and meter of the book makes it fun to read aloud and gives kids a better feel for the rhythm of language.

4.

Goodnight Gorilla by Peggy Rathmann

It's amazing how detailed this story is considering how littletext is in it. The story of a gorilla who lets all the other animals out of their zoo enclosures to follow the zookeeper home at night is perfect subject matter for zoo-loving toddlers. It lends itself to lots of discussions with little ones about what the pictures tell us about the story.

5.

I am a Bunny by Richard Scarry

Many people know Richard Scarry from hisBusy, Busy Town books, but this simple board books about a bunny named Nicholas was a childhood favorite of mine. Now, my children love to read about Nicholas's journey through the seasons of the year, too. Beautiful illustrations and a gentle story flow will keep your toddler coming back again and again.

6.

The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear by Don & Audrey Wood

This was another childhood favorite of mine that my children have embraced just as strongly. The little mouse picks a beautiful ripe strawberry only to learn that there is a bear in the forest that will surely come after the juicy treat. How can the mouse keep his prized strawberry safe? Toddlers will love the excitement of the story and laugh at all the funny ways the mouse tries to hide the strawberry.

7.

How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight? by Jane Yolen

This book has everything a toddler could want-gigantic dinosaurs, vibrant illustrations, dramatic bedtime antics and a fun rhyming pattern. It's the first book of several that Yolen has since written about dinosaurs living the life of a child, and it's delightful.

8.

Press Here by Herve Tullet

This interactive book is a great way to get fidgety toddlers more involved in reading time. As they "press here" and see what happens, readers are pulled into an imaginative world of color where their actions on every page affect the story.

9.

I Love You Through and Through by Bernadette Rossetti Shustak

This simple, sweet story is a great one to read after a long day with a crazy toddler. It will remind you of all the things you really do love about your little monkey, and the simple text is great for teaching your toddler new vocabulary. Plus, you won't be able to resist snuggling them a little tighter by the end of the book.

10.

Maisy's Amazing Big Book of Learning by Lucy Cousins

Maisy is the star of a whole series of books geared toward preschoolers, and this interactive book is my favorite of the bunch. It's full of colors, shapes, animals, numbers, letters and just about anything else your toddler could possibly want to learn about. My toddler's favorite part is looking for the baby chicks hiding on each page. We have literally loved this book to pieces.

This article was originally published on Smarter Parenting. It has been republished here with permission.

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As parents we want what's best for our children, but we're still human. Our own weaknesses and challenges often surface while interacting with our kids, giving us the chance to either improve or hurt the relationship we have with our children. Are you aware of what you might be doing subconsciously to hurt the relationship you have with your child?

Take some time to step back and see if any of these apply to you:

Criticism

Criticism includes labeling your child and continually pointing out what they are doing wrong. Receiving constant criticism not only leads children to believe they are disappointing their parents, but the criticizing voice can become internalized. Your constant criticism can allow your children to think negatively of themselves even when you're not around. Although it is important to give your child feedback on behaviors they should change, don't let criticism replace teaching. If specific behavioral correction is needed, teach them what they should do instead after giving the feedback. Children learn better through praise than through criticism.

Instead of using criticism, focus on maintaining a 4:1 ratio of positive feedback to negative feedback to encourage your child to participate in more positive behaviors. In turn they will learn a healthy level of positive self-talk and how to overcome negative behaviors.

Consistently prioritizing other activities before your child

Consistently prioritizing other activities before your child teaches them that they are less important than your other obligations. Of course there will be times when housework, a project or an errand needs to be done immediately and playtime needs to be put on hold, but if you find you are continually telling your child "Hold on minute while I (insert)", "Let me do (insert) first", this will negatively affect the relationship.

With the many distractions we have in our world and the constant demands on our time, it's easy for time with your child to be replaced by your phone, a TV show or a social media feed. A good way to prioritize quality time with your child is to establish daily one-on-one routines, such as eating dinner together without electronics or spending time each day doing an activity your child chooses.

Not fully listening while your child is talking

When you have a lot on your mind and your child is talking about a subject you don't know much about or don't have an interest in, pretend listening is an easy, but wrong, choice. Show interest in what your child is saying, no matter how insignificant the topic may seem. If you can't give your full attention at that time, explain this to your child and ask if they can wait until you can pay better attention. It's better to have them talk to you another time than to pretend to listen. As you spend more time fully listening to your child, you'll be able to bring up these topics to discuss in future conversations.

Showing interest and discussing topics your child is interested in is a great way to build a relationship with them. Everyone loves talking with someone who genuinely cares about their interests. This habit will help your child feel comfortable establishing a pattern of communication with you.

Inappropriately dealing with anger

Yelling, throwing objects, name-calling and threats not only teach your child bad responses to dealing with anger (which they often mimic) but it also damages your relationship. It leads to a fear-based foundation rather than a relationship build on love. There will be times when we act inappropriately while angry with our child. When this happens, apologize to your child and be open about what you did wrong and how you should have acted. Although you cannot fully undo how you have acted, hurt feeling can be repaired and you can give a positive example of how to deal with conflict. To prevent these situations from recurring, practice techniques (such as deep breathing or taking a time out) to help calm yourself down.

Most importantly, don't become discouraged and give up on trying to improve your own behavior. We all make mistakes as individuals....especially as parents. Luckily, we have hundreds of opportunities to practice positive interactions with our children. With sincere effort you will be able to build a strong relationship with your child.

This article was originally published on Smarter Parenting. It has been republished here with permission.

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Parents have different ways of communicating with their children. Some are aggressive, some passive and others assertive. The manner in which you choose to communicate with your kids impacts their ability to listen and learn from you. The way you speak to your children is usually reflected in the way they speak back to you. If you are not happy with the reactions you are receiving from your children, try to use the following tips.

Say your child's name in a regular tone

Children are often daydreaming or preoccupied with thoughts of friends, school, recreation or a myriad of other things. Address them by their name in a positive tone. When you are sure they are truly paying attention to you, deliver the rest of your message. You may need to wait a few seconds while they finish what their mind is concentrating on. Avoid getting upset and yelling out their name. Make sure you are in the same room they are in.

Use positive language

Kind words help to build confidence and make them feel better about themselves. They will behave better and try harder. Deliver the same respect and praise to your children that you expect from them. Try to explain what you want your child to do. Rather than using "no" or "don't" in your sentences, describe what you want them to do. For example, say "Take the dishes to the sink, please." It takes extra effort to use positive phrases and will take practice and patience. Eliminate name-calling, shaming or ridiculing children.

Make eye contact

If you need your child to pay attention, sit down next to them or stand closer to them until you have made eye contact. It is easier for them to give you their full attention and hear what you have to say when you are in close proximity. If you give a direction from another room or while you are on the computer, they are less likely to hear what you have to say. It shows good manners that they can mirror in their interactions with you and others.

Be aware of their feelings

A child that has a particularly rough day at school may not be receptive to anything you have to say. Before piling a list of chores or responsibilities on them, make sure you know how they are feeling. Intuition plays a big part in good communication with a child. Look for clues of depression, disappointment, despondency or sickness. Let them know that you are concerned for their welfare to help them trust and respond well to you. If they are upset, hear them out and wait for them to calm down. Connect first and they will listen to what you have to say.

Be assertive

Communicate with your children in a clear, positive, firm, consistent and confident way. This will let them know who is in charge and will challenge them to be a better child. Tell them what they need to do, why and how they need to do it. Suggest alternatives so they feel they have a choice in the matter. For example, say "When you finish your chores, you can watch TV or play a game."

Avoid the word "if" since it gives them a way out of doing anything. Engage your child in helping to solve a problem. Ask them what they could do to keep their room tidier. Make them feel that it is their advantage to do something.

These are just a few tips that may help in your communication with your child. It takes forethought and patience to get them to really listen. There is a big difference between talking to young children and teenagers. Make room for those changes. Be positive and assertive in your interactions. Take time to listen to them, and they will be more willing to listen to you.

This article was originally published on Smarter Parenting. It has been republished here with permission.

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Frustration is an emotion that is felt daily throughout our entire lives. If we can teach our children how to deal with this emotion appropriately when they are young, it will benefit them and their interactions with peers, authority figures and family members forever.

First, help your child recognize and label the emotion of frustration in the moment. When you see the emotion escalating say, "It looks like you are frustrated." If you have labeled frustration while they are feeling the emotion, then the idea of calming down when frustrated will not be new when you begin to teach it.

When teaching your child how to increase frustration tolerance, we want to focus most on the positive aspects of staying calm. If we can reduce a negative emotion before it gets too big then it will be easier and faster to calm down.

As a metaphor, if you light a single match the flame is easy to blow out, but if you use that same lit match to set the couch on fire, the fire will quickly spread and be very difficult to put out. In this way, we need to help children calm down when the emotion is first felt because once they start acting inappropriately it easily spirals into increased negative behavior that is difficult to control.

I'm going to refer to a 3-step process that can be applied to any emotion, but especially works well when dealing with frustration: identifying triggers, understanding physical cues and applying reducers.

1. Triggers

Help your child (young children will need more parent involvement) to identify the situations in which they commonly become frustrated. The causes of frustration are endless and are different for every child. In a related article, Katie Hurley, a licensed child and adolescent psychotherapist, gives a comprehensive list of the most common frustration triggers to watch for:

• Negative peer interactions (or perceived negative peer interactions)

• Challenging academics (Yes, even in preschool-cutting with scissors can be very frustrating.)

• Feeling misunderstood by adults or peers

• Lack of control

• Hunger

• Exhaustion

• Unexpected situations

Trigger identification might occur during a moment of frustration or in anticipation of a potentially frustrating situation; however, when using Preventive Teaching help them identify as many triggers as possible so they will be prepared in all types of situations.

2. Physical cues

Emotions cause a physiological response before a conscious reaction can occur. Physical cues are indicators of your body's response to emotion. Some physical cues from feeling emotions often referred to are sweaty palms and a racing heart when seeing the person you love. Negative emotions such as frustration and anger often have physical cues such as a tight jaw, closed fists, strained voice and tense body.

Parents can recognize and identify the physical cues of their children from watching them become frustrated every day. Explain the cues you have observed, and then help them identify any additional cues. In the moment of your child's frustration, point out their physical cues to them: "I see that your jaw is tight and your hand is in a fist. It looks like you're getting frustrated." Once the child has recognized they are feeling frustrated by evidence of physical cues, then you can move on to helping them manage the emotion by applying techniques called Reducers.

3. Reducers

Research has shown that deep breaths are an extremely effective method of calming down. Slow, controlled breathing triggers the vagus nerve to release a neurotransmitter called acetylcholine, which lowers heart rate and blood pressure and increases your ability to focus. In addition to deep breathing, other possible reducers include counting, controlled muscle relaxation, giving a hug and holding a favorite toy or object. It may take several frustrating situations to figure out which reducer works best for your child. Practice, practice, practice.

After they understand their personal triggers, physical cues, most effective reducers you must practice with them.Role-playing is essential for practicing any new skill, but even more important when teaching your child how to manage difficult emotions. When emotions are high, our ability to make appropriate decisions is impaired. If you and your child have repeatedly practiced the correct way to respond, then the appropriate response will be more automatic.

Here are a few final tips for teaching frustration tolerance:

• Manage your own frustrations appropriately

Our children learn most from what we do. This is an area that I am continually trying to improve in. I love teaching social skills like emotion management, but dealing with frustration is one of my own weaknesses. I have already watched my daughter negatively react to a trigger exactly like she has seen me do in the past. If you are like me, work on it together with your child. If this isn't an area you struggle with, then your child will be that much further ahead in learning to react appropriately.

• Establish rewards and consequences for their using or not using the calming down techniques you have practiced.

Start rewarding small progress immediately. Reward any attempt to apply a reducer or a reduction in the time it took them to calm down.

• Do not give in when you see their emotions start to rise just to avoid a tantrum, even when you are in public.

Parents often wonder why their child continues to struggle with managing frustration without realizing that they are unintentionally encouraging the negative behavior. If your child learns that they can get what they want when they act inappropriately then they will see no reason to change the behavior.

• Remember that change takes time.

I know from my own personal experience of dealing with frustration that it takes time to train your mind and body to respond differently. Luckily, your children have you to remind them to apply the appropriate techniques in the moment. Even if your child has been doing well with the skill, it is normal to occasionally regress. Review how to deal with frustration on a regular basis. Provide frequent rewards when first teaching how to stay calm and then intermittently reward them once they have mastered the skill.

This article was originally published on Smarter Parenting. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Teach kids how to avoid frustration meltdown with these 3 steps appeared first on FamilyToday.