Imagine this: Your spouse ate the rest of the lasagna you had planned to serve for leftovers tonight. Now there's no dinner and everyone is hungry and crabby. When you fume about it, he says dismissively, "My bad."

How's that for an apology?

Do you feel any better?

Probably not.

It wasn't sincere and it certainly didn't own up to his carelessness. And it doesn't put dinner on the table.

Saying "My bad" or a simple " I'm sorry" may be fine for small, inconsequential mistakes - if delivered with sincerity. However, these superficial expressions can easily get the offender off the hook without really feeling how their actions hurt others.

Real apologies are made up of more than a couple of casual worlds. They should signal change and should be acknowledged by those who were hurt. The secret to happy couples and family members is not that they are mistake free; they just know how to correctly apologize.

Happy relationships also use four special ingredients in all their apologies. These ingredients create that "secret sauce" that turn a simple "I'm sorry" into a true apology:

Be sincere

This is where you look the person in the eye and with real intent say, "I'm sorry" or "I apologize". Don't look away until they believe you really mean it. In your apology, the level of hurt you caused should be matched with the same level of sincerity.

Accept responsibility

"That was my fault. I should never have said those mean words and yelled at you." Period. Stop right there. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to start apologizing for the right things, but then go on to make excuses.

It sounds something like this: "I'm sorry I ate the lasagna but I bought it in the first place so I should be able to eat whatever I want." You can see how the "sorry" part of this was obliterated by every thing stated after the "but". When we qualify, deflect or excuse our behavior, it makes the apology completely useless.

Acknowledge the result of your mistake

"I really hurt your feelings and I feel terrible about that. I made a mess of things." State the impact of what you did so you can truly begin to change. This type of apology also lets the other person accept what you are saying because you've validated their feelings. You understand what you did. You are humble and brave enough to see through your loved one's eyes.

It would be natural right about here to ask, "Will you forgive me?" True, if you have followed the steps to this point, you could expect the other person to show mercy. Asking for forgiveness is a way to have closure and start the reconciliation process. That being said, apologizing should not be conditional. It should be offered with an open heart, free of any expectations that the other person will accept it.

Address change

Jesus said to forgive the offender seventy times seven times. I'm all for that but I believe he also wanted the offender to learn from his mistakes and make progress toward improvement. I doubt he was asking husbands to excuse their wives day after day for overspending just because she says, "I'm sorry" every time.

If you are truly sorry, that means you truly don't want to cause pain and problems again. Part of a real apology should be an action plan for how you will make an effort to do better. "I am going to work on this by...Will you help me?" If you were the thoughtless person who ate the leftover lasagna, this is where you would say, "To show you how sorry I am, I am going to whip up some burritos right now. You just relax and I'll take care of it."

Enjoy eating your burritos, lasagna or whatever you're having for dinner tonight with your spouse and be sure to keep plenty of secret "apology sauce" on hand.

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If we sailed through all green lights while driving today, we probably didn't give it much thought or pay attention to our amazing luck and good timing.

But if we hit every red light, we are super annoyed. The universe is against us! We notice more when things go wrong and usually wait until something annoys us before we react.

It's the "Squeaky Wheel" syndrome.

The same is true with children. They may sit quietly behind you in the car unnoticed, but the minute they kick the back of your seat...BAM! You suddenly come to life in the form of Cruella de Vil.

Remember that a basic human need is to be recognized. As outlined in Children: The Challenge by Rudolph Driekers, if children don't receive a healthy dose of positive reinforcement (8:1) per day, they will resort to any kind of recognition, even negative, or give up.

This is a sign of a discouraged child

Rather than wait until he misbehaves to correct him, "catch" your child being good. It's the difference between raging at red lights or being grateful for the greens. It takes more effort because you have to be conscious of the good and put energy into recognizing what is going right. But it pays off in the long run with more well behaved children.

It's a universal law: we get more of what we focus on. And it's universally practiced in raising good kids and kids who want to be good.

To help you catch your child being good, I've listed the first letter of the word "CATCH" in an easy to remember acronym:

C - Call kids by their name

Not their full name you trot out when they're in trouble ("Andrew Scott McFarland!") but their name in regular conversations to recognize who they are. I love to use endearing pet names. "Muffin Cakes," "Buddy," or "Baby Girl" can turn a child to putty in your hands. What pet nicknames did your parents use that made you feel uniquely loved? Our name is the key to our identity. When we speak another person's name with love and respect, we acknowledge their core worth.

A - Ask questions about what they are doing/feeling

Try open-ended questions that invite longer conversations. Don't be discouraged if your child just grunts. Ask at different times of day and in different ways. "What was your best and worst part of today?" "If your day was a movie, what would the title be?" My kids tend to clam up right after school but as I tuck them into bed, they are bursting with information. But don't force or interrogate. If they really don't want to talk, respect that.

T - Thank them

Thank them for what they have done, are doing or will do. In other words, "Thank you for picking up your socks," you might note, and if they haven't done so yet, say the same thing. They might question, "I didn't pick them up." And you get to respond with a smile, "But I know you were going to so I wanted to thank you in advance." This really works. It's shaping behavior through what you expect with positives. People respond much better with positives and the potential you see in them.

C - Compliment them

In private and in public. In most cases, children swell with pride to hear adults sing their praises in public. Compliment what they have done, but also who they are...the lasting characteristics. And compliment what they are working towards, not just accomplished. This uses encouragementand praise, the dynamic duo.

H - Help

Offer to give them support when they are floundering. But don't do it all for them. Show your confidence in their ability. Just support or scaffold what they need help with and let them do what they can.

Catch your child being good at least 8 times for every 1 correction. Start counting today to see how much you notice the good over the bad. The more you focus on the good, you'll be amazed at how many green lights you and your child will sail through in life.

Editor's Note: This article was originally published on the blog, A Spoonful Of Parenting. It has been republished here with permission.

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How are your facts about fatherhood? Here are 20 trivia questions about fathers to celebrate with the special men in your life this Father's Day. (Try not to peek at the answers at the end until you have tried them all).

And when you are done, consider asking your dads more personal questions to learn more about them: their likes/dislikes, fears, most embarrassing or funny moments, history, favorite memories, and dreams for the future.

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Acts of global terror have become frequent headliners in the news. The recent terrorism attacks in France were felt around the world; not just in Paris. How do these events affect children, and what can parents do to address their fears?

A video produced by "Le Petit Journal" shows an interview between a father and his worried son at the site of the Bataclan attacks. The father and interviewer carefully guide the child from feeling confused to feeling calm.

The father's simple statement, "They might have guns but we have flowers," is powerful imagery of something familiar and tangible this boy can hold onto amidst so many unknowns. Here are six tips for helping your child appease his fears.

1. Be age-appropriate

Younger children need less information than older ones. Children in elementary school are usually more traumatized by frightening images. Therefore, the American Academy of Pediatrics advises that parents limit their child's media viewing. Young children should also not be included in "adult" conversation about alarming events. Be discretionary where you talk to others (phone or in person) so children don't overhear more than they can handle.

Children in secondary school usually require more information. Be factual, not fear-based. Every child needs a parent who is a stable anchor in times of crisis. It's OK to admit you are sad or mourn the loss of others, but kids need to know we can handle whatever they are feeling and that we are emotionally available.

2. Listen more than talk

The interviewer and father in the above-mentioned video pause to let the boy express and process his fears. The interviewer didn't pepper the boy with questions. Instead, he watched his fears be replaced with new information that comforted him. The interviewer just finished with, "Do you feel better now?"

Usually in times of stress, a parent will either shut down or overshare. Both are wrong. Be open for conversation by letting the child guide you. When he or she wants to talk, ask questions, then be quiet and listen. Not all hard questions have answers. It's OK to say, "I don't know. But what I do know is that I love you and it's my job to take care of you."

3. Look for the good

Fred Rogers remembered what his wise, sensitive mother said to him as a child when confronted with frightening events: "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world."

When the father in the video responded to his son, "Yes, but there are bad guys everywhere," we might add, "And there are good guys everywhere too."

Remind yourself and your child that a few acts of terrorism do not wipe out all the good in the world. In fact, in many ways these events are a call to consciousness in the public psyche. Yes, terrible things happen after every terrorist act, but heroes are born and families grow closer as well. The light of service and love will always outshine the darkness of evil.

4. Don't perpetuate prejudice

It's easy to point fingers when bad things happen. We want to label the villain. However, those who enact evil do so under the assumption that all outsiders are bad. We should not fall under the same prejudice. Extremist acts carried out under the name of a radical religious offshoot or ideology does not represent all people from that country, culture or religion.

When you talk about terrorism, be careful that you don't categorize and engender hatred for a certain people when so many are innocent of wrongdoing. If we want to change the world, we need to raise children with discerning, rational, compassionate hearts and minds.

5. Address fears; don't dismiss them

It is more disconcerting when a parent says, "Don't worry. Everything will be OK." If we do not acknowledge a child's fears, we send him or her mixed messages. "Your feelings don't matter unless they are happy," or "Even though you are feeling scared, you shouldn't be." Here are three strategies for addressing and helping a child handle his fears:

Take a scary image out of his mind and dress it up

Give the child control back by having him draw a funny picture of the phantom or write a story with a positive ending.

Ask "what if" questions

Acts of terror may never touch your family directly, but other tragedies do happen. Death, divorce, unemployment and other destabilizing events can come unexpectedly. We can't protect children from everything. So if your child becomes over-anxious about an issue, talk through what you and your child woulddo in that situation, much like a fire or earthquake drill.

Use positive images as a coping tool

The French father in the video drew his son's attention to the flowers and candles. These images gave the boy a protective power when he felt helpless.

6. Be active, not reactive

Empower children by making their corner of the world a better place. Let them see how their efforts can make a difference. Researchers of children in crisis suggest engaging in some concrete action. For example, volunteer at a shelter, collect coats for a charitable organization, and write letters to those serving in our military. As Edward Everett Hale said, "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."

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My husband and I often took road trips with our children to distant places, which meant we spent a lot of time in the car together, eating Happy Meals at McDonald's, and filling up at gas stations. We tried to plan our trips around the most sanitary pit stops and fast food restaurants with the best playgrounds. More than once, however, we needed to make an emergency pit stop because a small child couldn't "hold it any longer."

You know what that means. You turn off the freeway and hope to find a toilet ... quick. If not, at least a bush.

One particular emergency bathroom break stands out in memory. We found a sketchy gas station that time forgot. I think the Health Department forgot it too. It had one of those unisex bathrooms you enter from the outside that you have to beg the cashier for the keys for. We all held our noses and took turns using it. We were lucky the toilet still flushed, but there was no hand soap. I reminded my kids to put toilet paper on the seat and at least to rinse their hands to drown the germs if we couldn't kill them with Dial.

When we packed the kids back in the car, I noticed my toddler, Rachel, was chewing gum. I never give gum to my toddlers because they usually have no concept of chewing without swallowing. I asked where she got it, and she bragged, "I got it the bathroom." Toddlers are built low to the ground so they see things that we adults miss. I wanted to yank it out and spray Lysol inside her mouth, but realized the damage had been done.

What else can a parent do at that point?

I've heard that every child needs to digest at least 10 lbs. of dirt by the time she is 8 years old to survive in this world. Besides, eating boogers may be the only GREEN food they'll eat. It is organic, after all.

Before you rush for the hand santizer, I have to report that Rachel is now 19 and arguably the healthiest of my five children. Was it heavy doses of germs early on that made her so robust? With each child, I became more relaxed in my antiseptic approach to parenting. With the first child, if the pacifier dropped on the floor, we boiled it for five minutes to de-germ it. By the fifth child, if the pacifier dropped and the dog licked it, I wiped if off on my pants and stuck it back in the baby's mouth.

No harm done.

The authors of "The Good Gut" reveal how our bodies are made up of microflora in our digestive systems. Microflora is a fancy name for bacteria, fungi and viruses, and they all live happily together in a microbiome, a fancy name for our gut. We need good bacteria, like ABC gum and boogers, to help our bodies build immunity and fight the bad bacteria. Kind of like inoculating our children against measles. We give them little doses of bacteria every day when we let them play in the sandbox, make mud pies, kiss the dog and lick the handle of a shopping cart (well, I didn't let my children lick the handle, but they did it anyway.)

Our bodies consist of more cells from microorganisms than human cells by a 10-1 ratio, according to an NPR article and accompanying video "The Human Microbiome." It reports how gut flora wires our brains and alters our mood. Research done by Dr. Faith Dickerson suggests that introducing good flora in the microbiome "may contribute to an improvement of psychiatric symptoms."

If we wonder why so many modern children are sensitive to foods, the air and contact with plants, it could be answered by a scientist who studied the Yanomami people in the Amazon. He found that "the microbes from their skin and gut were 40 percent more diverse than those of modern, urbanised people "¦ the more exposed a group was to modern life, the less diverse the microbiome."

I'm all about diversity. And I'm all about microbiomes because they sound cool. Imagine a bunch of foreign germs, like Goodwill Ambassadors, from Angola, Tonga, Korea, Canada and Slovenia hanging out in your gut, sharing drinks, swapping stories, eating chips and salsa and playing Charades. When an intruder tries to crash the party, all these foreign friends band together and bar the door.

Of course that makes sense. If there's a party happening in our gut, the other organs are invited which makes us feel better all over.

Pass the piña colada, please.

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When my three daughters were young, I tried to bribe them. "I'll give you some money if you'll just run away somewhere to get married and not have a reception."

Call me crazy, but I've never wanted to put on a production just to see a daughter turn into a Bridezilla, or have so much extra stress in my life that I collapse headfirst into the punch bowl. More than one familial relationship has been ruined over who was or was not invited to a wedding, or if lobster or meatballs was the main dish.

I also never liked the fact that extravagant weddings seem to turn the focus to the event rather than nurturing the couples' tender relationship. A wedding is the starting point of a beautiful journey, and sets the stage for what kind of life a couple will have together. If the wedding is lavish, but after-honeymoon life is modest, couples can often experience the post-wedding blues.

Columnist James Sherman said, "Post-wedding letdown is one of many factors explaining the U.S. Bureau of the Census showing that the highest rates of divorce occur during the first three years of marriage." It's kind of like buying tons of expensive toys for your children for Christmas, and once they have been ripped open, you receive a disappointed "That's it?"

One of my daughters is engaged now, so we're in the thick of weddings plans. Just for the record, we are going to have a reception (I was only half serious about the bribing). This is the advice I have given her so that the blues don't set in once life is more back to normal.

1. Don't listen to others

There's a whole out-of-control wedding industry out there. Anyone who has watched the movie "Father of the Bride" has seen proof. Yes, Martin Short as Franck Eggelhoffer, the wedding planner, is a bit of an exaggeration, but not much! The business is to sell, but you don't have to buy. Don't feel pressured to have what your girlfriends or mother or the bridal magazine tells you that you must have in order to have the perfect day. Nothing is perfect, including a wedding day. So stay in control and don't be swept away by the hype and emotions of the event.

2. Keep your expectations reasonable

Realizing the wedding day is a reflection of life, and that neither will be perfect is one way to manage your expectations. Another is to embrace the life skill of budgeting. Sadly, many of the couples who do not make or keep to a wedding budget also do not make sound financial decisions and practice financial restraint in their married life. A Gallup poll reported that two-thirds of American couples do not use a budget. Planning a wedding is a good place to start talking about money, finances and budgeting. If engaged couples are wise with their resources and learn to say "no" to unnecessary wedding expenditures, they are in a much better position to succeed in after-wedding life. Whether your wedding march was played on CD or performed by the New York Philharmonic, you are still happily married at the end of the day.

3. Go to premarital counseling

Take a premarital online assessment or see a counselor. These resources help couples discuss issues they usually avoid, but will face sooner than later. We are required to take history, math, science and English in school. How ironic (and sad!) that virtually all young adults who will likely be in a romantic relationship are not formally taught how to succeed in relationships.

Couples who take premarital courses or inventories fare better, according to Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. Take advantage of the engagement period by seeking excellent resources to enhance your understanding of one another and strengthen your marriage.

4. Focus on others, including your fiancé

In other words, don't make it all about you. How much of your time is consumed by thoughts of THE DRESS or THE RING or THE HAIR? Obviously, it is fine to want to look beautiful on your wedding day. But if you are self-obsessing, you might find something in common with the Greek god Narcissus, who was so in love with himself, he could not stop looking at his reflection in a pool and eventually drowned. Rather than drowning in drama, enrich your pre-marriage period by doing service for others and listening to a friend in need. The real measure of beauty and grace, including for a bride, is goodness within and concern for others.

The post 4 ways to stop singing the post-wedding blues appeared first on FamilyToday.

Many young girls dream of their future Mr. Darcy - that check-all-the-boxes person on her list of qualifications:

Take-my-breath-away gorgeous

Rich and powerful

Drives a sports car

Super athletic

Plays an instrument and sings love songs

Writes romantic poems

Makes me laugh all the time

Completely charming

A stylish dresser

For others who have been unlucky in love, they will settle for "Has his own teeth and a pulse."

What unrealistic expectations did you bring to marriage? Take William Stafford's practical advice he gave to picky poets who were never happy with their work: "If you don't like your writing, lower your standards."

You may ask: Should I hold no expectations in marriage or parenting, so I am never disappointed? No. I am the first to qualify that lowering our expectations does not mean lowering our core standards or settling in certain areas.

There is a spectrum of importance and areas of negotiation and compromise. We can see this in an Expectation Continuum.

On the high end of standards, there are a few relationship absolutes such as honesty, trust, love, kindness and respect. But at the other end of the continuum, it really doesn't matter who takes out the garbage. It may be important to someone that her husband loves to play board games, but if she realizes that isn't the case, the world will not end. It can be bumped down to a lower expectation. The marriage is still solid if she appreciates her husband's sterling character.

Somewhere in the middle are negotiable expectations like how much business traveling a spouse agrees to do. If you find yourself completely annoyed or angry that your spouse has to travel so much, your spouse might have the option of looking for other employment or negotiating less time away from home with his boss. You have the option of deciding to be grateful your spouse has employment, works hard to provide, and enjoys his career. If the first two are not an option, you always have the third. In that light, "lowering" our standards can really be viewed as "adjusting" them.

Every day, spouses and parents experience expectations not being met. Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg wrote in their book, Fighting for Your Marriage (2010), "A major clue to understanding your own expectations is disappointment. When you're disappointed, some expectation hasn't been met. When you're disappointed, stop and ask yourself what you expected." How we manage our disappointment will determine our happiness or unhappiness.

Let me share a story shared by a therapist that I'll call "The Parable of the Orange Juice."

Whenever he became ill as a child, his mother brought him a pitcher of orange juice and a glass to put by his bedside. Liquid Love.

When he became sick for the first time after marriage, he waited in bed for the pitcher of orange juice to arrive. No orange juice. He was perplexed at why his wife, who loved him very much, would not be bringing him gallons of orange juice as a token of her love. He coughed and groaned loudly, and she went about doing the dishes. He was quite put out that he finally had to ask (of all things!),"Dear, will you bring me some orange juice?" She hurried right in but only with a half glass. "Is this how little she loves me?" he thought.

Obviously, these newlyweds had different expectations of how to treat a sick partner. The wife came from a large family where everybody, more or less, fended for themselves. She did not have the personal, round-the-clock, fluff-your-pillow care that her husband experienced as a child in a small family. It also shocked him the first time she walked into the bathroom and acted like it was perfectly normal to fix her hair and makeup while he sat on the toilet hiding behind a newspaper.

Adjusting our standards or expectations, acknowledges our priorities are not perfect, and our partner and children do not always align with us. Disappointment can be the cue to reexamine our priorities.

So your wife isn't the best cook in the world. What can you appreciate about her instead?

So your husband lacks in the help-around-the-house department. What essential character traits does he have that you love?

Does it really matter that your child wants to play the guitar rather than baseball? Can you forgive weaknesses in your wife and focus instead on her good qualities and the contributions she makes? If you do, chances are she will do the same for you.

Rabbi Harold Kushner said, "The illusion of perfection in the partner will not last. And that is why the essence of marital love is not romance but forgiveness... Forgiveness as the truest form of love means accepting without bitterness the flaws and imperfection of our partner and praying that our partner accepts our flaws as well... Mature marital love sees faults clearly and forgives them, understanding that there are no perfect people and that an imperfect spouse is all that an imperfect person like us can aspire to... If we cannot love imperfect people, if we cannot forgive them for their exasperating faults, we will condemn ourselves to a life of loneliness because imperfect people are the only kind we will ever find."

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There are no greater heroes than stepparents. A stepparent agrees (gladly) to fill another parent's shoes. Sure, the good part is being in a loving, committed relationship with your new spouse. But the bad and sometimes even ugly parts of stepparenting are often lurking close-by. When signing up for marriage, a new stepparent might overlook the fine print.

Does any of this sound familiar?

1. Marry someone who has lost a spouse after a battle, either to death or divorce - and has the bruises to show for it.

2. Commit to loving (on good days), tolerating (on not-so-good days) and sacrificing your time and energy to raise someone else's child - whether or not that child loves you or ever calls you "Mom" or "Dad."

3. Give up the first-marriage luxury of an uncomplicated honeymoon and months of non-existent-baby bliss. Presto. Kids from day one.

4. Sacrifice a portion of your spouse's income to support his ex-wife and children. You may also find yourself on the receiving end of a father who contributes the minimum required to support your frugal family income. Uglier yet is when court-ordered child support never comes.

5. Establish some kind of working relationship with the "ex," the parent of the child you are helping to raise whose values and parenting style you have little control over - his playbook, his rules. You might be opposed to a 12-year-old getting a Mohawk haircut, but your stepson returns from his dad's house not only with his sides shaved but the middle swath spiked and dyed purple. You suck it up and ask with a smile, "Is it Halloween already?"

6. Be understanding and patient when your spouse's divided loyalties cause him to spend time with his child or side with the mother of his child over you. Their relationships predate yours. Ouch.

7. Have little power and control over the arrangements that disrupt your life every time a revolving door deposits a child smack in the middle of your otherwise smoothly-running life.

8. Live in a home laden with memories of a once beloved spouse (and the child's forever favored parent). The "other" mother who can do no wrong, who makes better cookies than you or sweeps the floor the right way never forces your stepson to pick up wet towels and always lets him get away with more than your limits allow.

9. Become so flexible your back hurts when the ex frequently changes her plans, leaving you and your stepchild angry and betrayed. The schedule that guides your life is forever being changed and dishonored because of someone else's priorities.

10. Raise siblings and half-siblings under the same roof whose complaints of unequal treatment make you want to duck for cover and eat an entire bag of Doritos.

Are you starting to feel a throbbing pain in your head? After reading that list, it's a wonder anyone joins a stepfamily without coercion (or insanity).

Current statistics show that over 60 percent of first-time stepfamilies end in divorce. Notwithstanding these odds, strong, resilient stepfamilies don't just bounce back after divorce, they bounce forward. They focus not on the bad or ugly, but on the good.

So, back to the good news. Stepparenting invites many unforeseen challenges, but it also invites immeasurable joys. Those who enter into this union with their eyes and hearts wide open can anticipate the pitfalls and turn trials into triumphs.

Here are three guidelines to good stepparenting:

Begin as the guide rather than the boss

Most children, especially older ones, will not be thrilled to have a new person bossing them around. Instead, take on the role of an adult who supports the primary parent and the guidelines already in place. Discipline, at least at first, should be left to the primary parent to enforce whenever possible. Let the children lead you and respond appropriately.

In one family, a 2-year-old jumped into bed with her dad and new stepmother the morning after the couple had returned from their honeymoon. She looked at her stepmom and said, "You my mama!" While you may not be greeted with equal enthusiasm, remember that all children, even grumpy ones, are inwardly thirsty for attachment and love. Don't force relationships or insist the kids call you "Mom" or "Dad." Don't take it personally if your stepchildren hurl hurtful "You're not my dad so I don't have to listen to you" statements. They are just testing to see if you really are committed. Earn their trust, first. Love naturally follows.

Create a new family unit

This is done slowly as you meld two families together, keeping old traditions and forming new ones. Hold weekly family meetings to discuss schedules, family and home responsibilities, school issues, visitations with other parents and other items that affect the household. Each time you meet, you are acting as architects in building the new unit.

As a new family is forming, it is vital that adults and children speak with respect toward one another. If family members feel wronged or unhappy, they should be able to express their grievances in open conversations. Resolving differences and creating new experiences happens over many shared moments - family meetings, mealtimes and supporting one another in extracurricular activities.

Give it time

Many Family Studies experts agree that it takes about 4-7 years for a stepfamily to finally feel like a "real" family. Some come together much sooner, and some take even longer. On days when it's hard to see the forest through the trees, tell yourself, "This too shall pass." No matter the situation, keep playing - because you are playing for keeps.

The post 3 tips for the crazy people who signed up for stepparenting appeared first on FamilyToday.

However, there are other, less obvious ways to destroy a child's self-confidence. The following are 5 parental attitudes and behaviors that discourage children. Do any of these hit your radar?

1. You are only worth something when you achieve

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Parents tend to be goal or task-oriented rather than child-oriented. If we have successful children, they will make us look good, and we all want to look good. We praise them with "Good job" or "Well done" if they accomplished what we desired, but fail to encourage them if they didn't get first place or score the winning goal.

Alfie Kohn advised that saying "'Good job!' doesn't reassure children; ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. It may even create a vicious circle such that the more we slather on the praise, the more kids seem to need it, so we praise them some more. Sadly, some of these kids will grow into adults who continue to need someone else to pat them on the head and tell them whether what they did was OK. Surely this is not what we want for our daughters and sons."

When we give value to the product and not the process, children lose confidence in their own worth. Unfortunately, for too many children, the motivation behind their effort is to seek a parent's approval rather than building confidence in self.

2. If you fail or make a mistake, you are bad

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An unwise parent might also erode her child's confidence by discouraging him from trying new experiences. The message you send might be: a) Don't try because you will probably fail, b) A mistake means you aren't good enough, c) I can't let you take a risk because I'm fearful you will get hurt, or d) You disappoint me or make me angry when you've done wrong. What child would want to take a risk if he can count on one of these reactions? How can his confidence grow unless he exercises a "try, and try again" approach to problems?

A parent adds to her child's demoralization when she overreacts to her child's mistakes. In my book, I write about how we shape child's confidence after failures. "Children often make mistakes, big and small, as do spouses and parents. How we react to those mistakes directly correlates with the degree a person feels self-worth and confidence to rise above his mistakes. Our reaction teaches them how approachable we are when they need to trust with their most tender, painful feelings."

3. Your child suffers by comparison

Dinkmeyer and McKay (1989) cautioned against promoting competition among siblings. Have you heard or used any of these comparison statements?

"Why can't you be more like your sister?"

"Your brother works hard and gets good grades, why can't you?"

(Speaking to a son while ignoring the sibling) "You are the best son. So handsome and smart. I'm so proud of you."

"Doesn't your sister have beautiful hair-eyes-hands? etc. etc."

"Your sister gets to have her own room because she is better behaved than you."

Playing favorites is an extremely damaging game in families. Parents do much destruction when siblings know you resent one or favor another.

4. You set unrealistic expectations for your child.

A subtle personal attack is when a parent expects perfection. Popkin, Youngs, and Healy (1995) wrote, "The message of perfectionism is that no matter how well you do, you should have done better. When children come to believe that they are never quite good enough, they lose motivation: I never did it well enough anyway, so why try?Even when these children seem to keep trying, they never feel secure in their achievements. They may get all As, but rather than enjoy the accomplishment, they're already worrying about the next challenge to their perfection. Such perfectionist thinking has been linked to eating disorders and depression in adolescents."

A parent who is rarely pleased is always finding fault. He might say to his teenager, "Yes, you did bring the car home on time, but you didn't park it right?" Rather than a 10:1 ratio of positives to negatives statements said to a child, a demanding parent says 10 negatives to every 1 positive.

5. You become a "Helicopter Parent."

Like a helicopter that hovers and swoops down to pick up the victim or passenger, a parent might become an enabling rescuer. Overprotecting our children from life's experiences sends the message that "you can't deal with this, so I have to do it for you." We create victims rather than victors.

These type of parents also rush to make excuses for their children and deny them the opportunity to take responsibility. For example, a helicopter parent could find herself frantically completing her child's school project the night before it is due in order to get an "A." The child who doesn't do the work does not learn discipline or confidence in his abilities. Additionally, I've known students who are given a penalty for cheating on a test or assignment only to have their parents demand a better grade or who justify their child's actions.

We might not be aware of the hidden messages we give our children that slowly destroy their self-esteem. These are five that parents should steer away from in order to raise confident children.

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