Likewise, mapping our life goals, or finish lines, as conscious realities increases our chances of succeeding. Dream, or vision boards are one way to accomplish this. Examples are found everywhere, including Pinterest. Pinterest itself is just one gigantic Dream Board. They are a collection of what we love and want to have or be in any area of life.

Dream boards have their value. Families can create a family dream board as well as the individual members. Traditional dream boards are created from photos, magazine pictures, small objects, and anything you can pin up on a cork board. Displaying the board in a prominent place helps to activate your purpose and determination each day.

Benefits of dream boards

Kids love tangible objects. In fact, the brain craves concrete visuals. It stimulates memory. Kids also love cutting and pasting pictures, keywords and objects into a collage-like display that represent their creative side; who they are, their likes and dreams. They start with possibilities, then narrow down to focus on what they really want.

Families and individuals have made representational shields, or family crests for centuries. These tell the viewer who they are in a few symbols and pictures. The same can be done with a dream board. Divide the area into four main quadrants of human development:

1. Physical: display a picture of a person swimming the butterfly stroke with a stopwatch and the timed goal, or a picture of people hiking.

2. Socio-emotional: cut out and post a picture of friends having lunch together or post a birthday card to remind you to send one to another.

3. Intellectual: display a diploma with your name on it and the desired degree, or a list of books you want to read.

4. Spiritual/values: post words such as "service" "compassion" or hands folded in prayer. If we include a spiritual compass and values-based goals, we tend to choose more worthy pursuits that infuse meaning and purpose to our overall goals.

Adults as well as youth may find using electronic "boards" a better fit to create and display their dreams. Use it as your computer or phone wallpaper. These give others an opportunity to peek at your life goals ("Hey what's that on your computer screen?"), listen as you describe your passion and progress (or lack thereof) and help you along the way.

Use your dream board to affirm the positive every day. Look at it before bedtime and when you wake in the morning and focus on one or two items. Say affirming statements: "I will learn to do the butterfly stroke in one fluid action. I can do it!"

The "Doing" part of Dreaming

Those who truly succeed rise up after their visualization exercises and do. Dreaming without doing is described in this Chinese proverb: "Man who waits for roast duck to fly into mouth must wait very, very long time." Following are four "dos" that will help you reach your goals.

1. Post pictures of long and short-term goals. Focus on one or two of them, writing down a specific plan for each.

2. Become accountable. Review your goals at regular intervals with a partner. If your goal is to hike five miles each week, find a hiking buddy with a similar goal. Parents encourage their child by setting a specific time to review how her goals are progressing. A five-minute progress report each week for short-term or slightly longer interviews monthly for long-term goals is a key to success.

3. Find resources. Get in touch with someone who can teach, mentor and inspire you or your child. Even if your child drives you crazy because their goals keep changing ... ("I want to play the guitar; I want to play the drums; No wait! I don't want to play any instrument. I want to become an actor!") all experiences explore his potential and blossom his talents.

4. Be true to yourself. Refine and reaffirm your goals. Take pictures down that aren't working. Adapt to new ones and embrace the process of finding out what you love to do and who you want to be. One failed attempt can lead to another opportunity; therefore, the process is worth it. Never compare your dreams and accomplishments with others.

My brother, Brian, had a dream. He and his family had outgrown their small home and wanted a larger house in a family-friendly neighborhood. He drove around likeable neighborhoods where he could envision his children growing up. After viewing the outside of many possible homes, he narrowed it down to one.

Brian got the courage to knock on the door of the "dream" house and ask the owners if they were selling. No, they weren't. But they struck up a conversation and the retired couple liked him and invited him to bring back his family to swim in their pool.

As his kids were swimming, squealing with delight, and generally infusing life to the backyard, the couple looked at each other and said, "We can see this family living here. They should have this home." After a series of amazing events, both Brian's family and this couple ended up in their dream homes.

Life can be like that. We just need to get up and start knocking on doors.

The post Dream boards and beyond appeared first on FamilyToday.

At its core, encouragement builds intrinsic worth and the opportunity to use positive self-talk. It turns an incident into a teaching opportunity where the child can evaluate his or her own effort. It offers more open-ended conversation between the child and parent. Educator Kittie Butcher from Michigan State University further asserts, "Encouragement also contains more information for the child than the easy, but empty phrases like, "That's great!"¯

Praise, on the other hand, is externally driven, with the parent doing the evaluating and talking. It is more frequently a closed-ended conversation, with the "good job" punctuating the interaction and not much following. However, it is a feel-good moment between the parent and child.

I'll share a recent example that contrasts praise and encouragement. My son recently sang a solo for the first time and looked a little troubled afterward. I might have wanted to reassure him and build his confidence by praising him, "Daniel, that was super singing. Good job."

Encouragement requires that I go deeper. It involves validation and empathetic listening. Instead, our conversation went something like this:

"Daniel, what did you think about your song?"

" I don't know."

"Did you feel good or bad about it?"

"I don't think it was very good."

"Why not?"

"I don't like singing in front of people."

"Oh. That makes you uncomfortable?"

"Yes. I'd rather just sing with the choir."

"I see. That's something good to know for the future. But how do you feel you sang the song? Did you get the words and notes right? Do you think the audience appreciated it?"

"Ya, I got it right and they liked it. Lots of people told me so."

"Oh, you had lots of people come up afterward and tell you they thought you sang well?"

"Yes."

"So aside from feeling uncomfortable, how do you feel you sang?"

"I guess pretty well."

"You have a good voice?"

"Ya, I do."

In this second example, I was able to help my son do a lot more mature reflection on his own. I became his guide toward self-discovery as he processed and verbalized his own feelings. I took the time to help him develop esteem rather than telling him what to think and feel.

So is praise bad? No. I use it quite often! It is especially useful with babies, toddlers and preschoolers as we shape understanding of themselves and set behavioral boundaries. If the task doesn't require a child to evaluate her effort, a quick, "Thank you so much. Well done," does the job. It takes little effort, but gives a child plenty of verbal "high fives" throughout the day.

With that being said, praise can become a parent's default button because itis so easy to use. "Super job." "I'm so proud of you." "Way to go." Too much praise and too little encouragement can feed a parent's ego instead of a child feeding her own. It can create a "praise junkie" in an older child.

Dr. Carol Dweck, Ph.D., a professor at Columbia University, conducted a study on the effects of praise. She found children who defined their abilities by the approval of their parents felt less worthy when others didn't judge them as "best" or didn't slather on the praise.

Children who only hear what their parents think of them and don't create their own mental and emotional narratives will more often look to their parents for approval. The dangers of having a child seek approval from outside sources, including peers, are alarming.

Here are four pro-encouragement points to consider:

1. Be child focused rather than parent focused

Kids are usually hungry for approval. Don't exploit their dependence on us and an emotional reward. We are stealing an opportunity for the child to take delight in her own efforts. Rather than "How did I do, dad?" "Do you like my picture?" It is better to hear, "Hey, dad. I did this!"

Parent-focused praise=value judgment

i.e. "You got such good grades. I'm so proud of you!"

Child-focused encouragement=internal motivation

i.e. "Look at your grades! Which one are you most proud of? How hard did you study in math? Is there any place you could do better?"

Yes, you can add, "And I'm so happy for you! You did so well. I know how hard you studied for that test!" High fives all around.

2. Be process oriented rather than outcome oriented

While a child is working on a project or developing a skill, it takes a caring, conscientious parent to build the child's self-awareness along the way.

Only one person can win the race. There is only one class president. There is only one blue ribbon. Does that mean all the rest are losers? Not if both parent and child take time to notice the learning process rather than just the product, or outcome.

"What did you do well at soccer practice today? Where do you think is the greatest area of improvement?" Great coaches use both praise (immediate, short-term reward) and encouragement (lasting inspiration). So should parents.

3. Recognize character rather than rewards

We would never want our child to win first place if that meant they cheated. They don't learn much about effort if they get an "A" on a paper they procrastinated to write until the night before it was due. It seems more expedient to recognize a child as they are putting in the effort to show that we value honest work over results.

"Look at the effort you put into making that airplane model. You sure are a determinedyoung man. You never gave up even when it broke apart."

"I've noticed all the friends you have made on the track team. Your running times have improved, but you are also sofriendly and positive. You always stayed after and cheered everyone up after a hard run."

Encouragement and praise are both good. Praise is easy to do and most parents (hopefully) praise children instinctively and liberally. Encouragement takes more time and effort. It adds another dimension to motivate children and gives them life's real lessons as material for building self-esteem. It takes a conscientious parent. You can do it. Way to go!

The post Being awesome vs. being told you’re awesome: Encouragement vs. praise appeared first on FamilyToday.

"Because we live in a world full of pressure," family advocate Ulisses Soares remarked, "controlling our temper may become one of the challenges in our lives. Think for a few seconds how you react when someone does not comply with your desires the moment you want them to. What about when people disagree with your ideas, even though you are absolutely sure that they represent the proper solution to a problem? What is your response when someone offends you, critiques your efforts, or is simply unkind because he or she is in a bad mood? At these moments and in other difficult situations, we must learn to control our temper and convey our feelings with patience and gentle persuasion. This is most important within our homes and within our relationships with our eternal companions. During the 31 years I've been married to my sweetheart, she has often given me gentle reminders of this as we have faced life's unsettling challenges."

Soares' list of potential every day, temper-losing situations includes differences in opinions or ideas, offenses, criticisms and bad moods. These may cause us to do irrational things like scream at our kids, "Stop yelling at each other!" Losing our tempers frequently in marriages undermines trust and corrodes love. Can we put a stop to this destructive behavior? Yes. One mother found herself yelling at her four boys so often, she set a goal of not yelling for 365 days and reported the amazing results.

It may seem unrealistic to some parents or spouses to not yell for a whole year, but making it a goal each day along with consistent, conscientious effort is something we can all do. When a slip up happens, we humbly acknowledge our mistake and work on patience again the next day. Instead of allowing others' offenses make us lose our temper, ask yourself these three questions:

1. Will this matter in five years?

Asking ourselves this question encourages us to mentally walk down the road a few years, look back, and see what really matters. Will it matter that your toddler wears a tutu to church or that your husband forgets to fill up the car with gas? What will your family members remember you for: losing your temper or having a sense of humor? Stepping back from the heated, emotional situation has many benefits. Children need a time-out to calm down as do we. Just like a car's temperature gauge, it's easier to keep control of our tempers when we aren't overheated. Take a big breath to see the big picture and what will matter in the long run.

2. Is this a hill I want to die on?

Using a war metaphor seems appropriate when considering the parent-teen relationship. There is nothing more appealing to a teenager than their freedom and they often fight tooth and nail for it. Some issues become a battlefield and spiral out of control. As a result, we find ourselves not fighting over the issue anymore but who is "right." Consider that some issues aren't worth fighting over and are best let go, especially if you too often become the enemy. For example, it was important to me that my children take piano lessons, but after years of "torturing" my son, and after I saw him lay his head down on the piano keys and cry at a lesson, I realized this wasn't a hill I wanted to die on.

3. Do my actions encourage or discourage my child or spouse?

Ultimately, this is the most crucial question to ask in all relationships. In the middle of losing our tempers, imagine what you must look like to your spouse or child. Imagine how yelling at them makes them feel about themselves and you. Write down the words you said in anger and read them aloud to yourself. Are you encouraged or discouraged? Does the tone and meaning build those you love or tear them down?

If anger and a bad temper is a problem for you, these three questions will help you keep your head on (and ears). Reviewing them daily can help bring back perspective and strengthen you to treat your family members with patience and love.

The post Not losing our ears, or our tempers appeared first on FamilyToday.

Texting. You gotta love it.

Technology is a wonderful, terrible thing. It is wonderful. I do love many aspects of it and have embraced my cell phone (well, given it a lukewarm hug) in many ways. But"¦

I have university students who cannot write a paper without using texting punctuation, as if they wrote it on their phone and forwarded it to me.

Parents have the ugly duty of teaching their children the realities of sexting, pornography, and other promiscuous perils that come with the internet and phone use.

My daughter's friend has banned herself from Twitter because she has become a "Tweetaholic."¯

Who hasn't been in a room with a teenager holding a phone and while you are trying to have a conversation, you watch them answer unrelenting texts, play games or surf the web? I feel confident that many teenagers know far more about Angry Birds, Minecraft and Candy Crush than their friends' favorite foods, books and vacation spots.

More and more users are hooked on technology, exhibiting symptoms similar to other addictions, such as compulsive buying and credit card misuse.

Technology-induced anxiety is common among users who feel compelled to constantly check and update social media, check and send text messages, play games and other obsessive behaviors. For example, I was on a boating trip with teenagers and our location was out of range for cell phone service. One young lady was unable to concentrate on and participate in the natural conversation among the group and was agitated during those few hours. When we finally returned to land, she held up her phone to get all her missed text messages. She gleefully announced the number of messages and yelled, "I am loved!"

How far will it go? The average teenage girl receives about 4,000 text messages a month. I feel parents are riding a willful horse; technology is taking us all for a ride and many don't have the reins firmly in hand. I'm still struggling and have been saddle-sore now for many years.

Adrian Ochoa, and advertising and marketing professional warned, "My professional life put me on the forefront of technology, so I recognize the value it has, especially in communication. So much information is now at our fingertips. But the Internet is also full of much that is filthy and misleading. Technology has augmented our freedom of speech, but it also gives an unqualified blogger false credibility based on the number of viewers." Given these perils, we can be ever-vigilant as spouses and parents with these three approaches:

Time-out from technology

. Decide where and when you want to draw a line in the sand during premium human interactions. For our family, that means during table time. Cellphones are not allowed at dinner so we can have face-to-face time and reap the benefits of family meals. Phones are to be turned off at a specified bedtime hour with our children. We also do not use our phones for recreational purposes during church service. Computer time, tablet and other devices are carefully monitored and given limited usage. Other restrictions you might consider are while travelling in the car on family trips, playing with friends and during family gatherings.

Avoid anonymity and intolerance

. Especially with social media, users hide behind technology to say things they would never say to another person's face. We have degraded into unkind, intolerant and, in some cases, vitriolic communicators via technology. Be an example to your children and teach them that anything that is said electronically should be given the same respect you would give to that person in public.

Check, pry and supervise

. The best advice when avoiding the perils of technology is to not, NOT allow computers and televisions in bedrooms or closed-door offices where you cannot see what your children and spouse are viewing. It makes sense to also check what your kids are viewing on their cell phones and make sure they understand using one is a privilege and responsibility. Use filters and parental control software, but don't let these be your only line of protection. Yes, I am advocating that parents look up what sites their child has viewed, what images and messages he has sent and received on his phone and on social media. If kids are found misusing any technological device, they lose the right to use that device for a time. If a child has a friend that sends inappropriate or vulgar images, parents have the right to block or "unfriend" that person.

Technology is a wonderful power. However, if we don't monitor our family members' electronic usage now (including our own), it might have devastating consequences in our future. I have sadly heard too many teenagers who were addicted to pornography say, "My parents had no idea. They never checked up on me and gave me too much freedom and trust." Let's firmly hold the reins on technology and be in control of this powerful tool rather than letting its perils control us.

The post The perils of technology appeared first on FamilyToday.

When fathers and mothers are present, indeed, the home belongs to them both and both have equal partnership and importance. Not diminishing the substantive role of fathers and men, this article turns the focus on the influence good women - wives and mothers - can have in families. The grandpa in this story, Quentin Cook, stated, "There are many voices now telling women how to live. They often contradict each other. Of particular concern are philosophies that criticize or diminish respect for women who choose to make the sacrifices necessary to be mothers, teachers, nurturers, or friends to children."

A religious leader, D. Todd Christofferson, echoed the imperative role of mothers:

"A woman's moral influence is nowhere more powerfully felt or more beneficially employed than in the home. There is no better setting for rearing the rising generation than the traditional family, where a father and a mother work in harmony to provide for, teach and nurture their children. Where this ideal does not exist, people strive to duplicate its benefits as best they can in their particular circumstances.

In all events, a mother can exert an influence unequaled by any other person in any other relationship. By the power of her example and teaching, her sons learn to respect womanhood and to incorporate discipline and high moral standards in their own lives. Her daughters learn to cultivate their own virtue and to stand up for what is right, again and again, however unpopular. A mother's love and high expectations lead her children to act responsibly without excuses, to be serious about education and personal development, and to make ongoing contributions to the well-being of all around them."

Taking these wise words to heart, we can cultivate an appreciation for and attributes of those who nurture. It comes down to values. Here are a few:

Value your own voice

Tune out the world when necessary and the contradictory opinions we often hear. Mothers as well as fathers are given intuition once their baby is born. They will be making life-altering decisions such as where to live, what the family lifestyle will be, who will provide financially, how care giving will be shared and who cherishes the best interest of their baby. Since this is God's child as well, invite his voice to guide you in choosing what is best through frequent and sincere prayer. Listen to your inner voice and value this great gift!

Teach values

Mothers and fathers are in a unique position when they value parenthood. They possess the integrity in words and actions to model virtuous living. As mentioned, mothers and fathers show their sons how to respect womanhood. Daughters have a daily example of how to live with high moral standards no matter what the crowd prefers. Children see how parents translate ideals into practical living and how they are expected to live accordingly. Education, personal development, social consciousness and other attributes are best taught in homes where a mother is clear and true to her own standards and conscience.

Value the sacrifice

Giving up some things we love for other, better priorities is generally not something the world teaches. We are given to believe that we can have everything - now! But, those with an understanding of the laws of nature know that we cannot rush a harvest and work comes before play. Children enrolled in school frequently look out the window and long for endless summer vacation days, but the sacrifice of giving up fun temporarily for the prize of education teaches us that we give up some things in order to achieve what is of most value.

When they are able, mothers may make sacrifices by putting careers on hold temporarily or permanently to have a larger presence in their children's lives. Others who need to work may make adjustments in the work-life balance or design a more flexible work schedule that benefits their children and the mother's ability to nurture. Whatever that nurturing role looks like, we should respect a mother's decision and not judge since every sacrifice is personal and between a parent and God.

Value the hand that rocks the cradle

In the famous poem by William Ross Wallace, he asserts, "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world." Our hands are the architects of the next generation. No matter the leader, good or bad, they most likely had their first lessons at their mother's knee. We should take this responsibility with serious concern and always remember the quote by Abraham Lincoln which is true of all good mothers: "All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother."

Quentin Cook not only shared his wisdom as a religious leader, but as a husband, father and elderly grandfather. He has witnessed the disintegration of families and the valuing of those who nurture. This final word of warning from him is also a call to action to each of us: "Now let me say unequivocally that I am thrilled with the educational and other opportunities that are available to women. I treasure the fact that the backbreaking work and domestic drudgery required of women has been reduced in much of the world because of modern conveniences and that women are making such magnificent contributions in every field of endeavor. But if we allow our culture to reduce the special relationship that children have with mothers and grandmothers and others who nurture them, we will come to regret it."

The post Valuing those who nurture appeared first on FamilyToday.

Because of our traditions, we've kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatevka we have traditions for everything... how to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered and always wear a little prayer shawl ... This shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask how did this tradition start. I'll tell you - I don't know. But it's a tradition ... Because of our traditions, everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do.

Jewish customs, along with other major world religions, are rich with heritage, meaning and purpose. Their traditions have survived thousands of years across many struggles and social and political changes. They share common goals of life balance and unity within families.

Religious practices have shown many positive effects such as increased marriage stability, improved health, better parenting and overall happiness and well being. Tevye's resonating words remind us that in families with righteous traditions, "everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do." So what righteous practices can we practice blessing our families? Here are a few:

Holidays

Undoubtedly, celebrating holidays are not only culturally enriching, but also build strong family traditions year after year. Every religion and country recognizes certain holidays that bring families and communities together such as Cinco de Mayo, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, Ramadan, and Christmas just to name a few. As Tevye outlined, traditional holidays often dictate "how to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes." Customs like these remind us that rituals tie us to the details of life.

Life Celebrations

Children thrive when they know major milestones in life are worthy of pursuit and will be celebrated with family. Birthday parties, school graduations, baptisms, quinceaƱeras, bar and bat mitzvahs, anniversaries and family reunions are a few life celebrations that build strong traditions where a child feels a sense of belonging and "knows who he is."

Family Religiosity and Rituals

: Religiosity refers to the extent to which a parent's religious beliefs are manifest within the family. Daily family devotional, prayer, personal meditation and scripture study are proactive behaviors that anchor and bless a child's life. Richard G. Scott, a religious leader, affirmed these parenting practices build "spiritual protection...to strengthen themselves, their families, their country and future generations."

Individual families can also create their own righteous customs and traditions. One family recites together this portion of the poem by Charles Sprague as they gather around the table for dinner each night:

We are all here,

Father, mother,

Sister, brother,

All who hold each other dear.

Each chair is filled,

We are all at home!

Another powerful family ritual is to reserve one night a week to spend time together in recreation, counsel, in teaching values and importance of each family member. In these settings, a child learns "what God expects him to do."

Building Faith Communities

: We can't do it alone. It does take a village to raise a child. In a study conducted by Loren Marks, professor at Louisiana State University, he found"Muslim, Jewish and Christian parents all invested on a variety of levels in this search for a spiritual home, including involvement in their faith communities where the interviewed parents rendered a reported average of more than 10 percent of their income and twelve hours a week of their time." Participating regularly with other like-minded families strengthens our resolve and ability to persist in raising righteous families.

The post How righteous traditions bless families appeared first on FamilyToday.

"Good" vs. "Bad"?

Why do we use labels in front of our children? Labels stick. I knew a young child who, after misbehaving, often said, "I'm a bad boy." The child who sits quietly and doesn't create a disturbance is said to be "such a good boy." Doesn't that create the impression that the "bad boy" is the one who is highly energetic and gets into all sorts of mischief?

Maybe we should think twice before quickly identifying the calm, quiet baby as the "good" one when the crying, colicky baby isn't the opposite. Can a baby be "bad?" Of course not. Removing negative labeling is a good start in parenting. Here are additional ideas:

Celebrating differing child temperaments

The difference among babies, children and adults are their expressions of inborn tendencies as they react to their environment. We've all seen these variances play out in many situations.

Consider the Santa-at-the-mall scenario. Some kids can't wait to jump onto Santa's lap with a list full of wishes. Other children hang back, uncertain if they want to stand in line with such a noisy crowd and sit so closely to a strange-looking man, who is most certainly a stranger. They end up crying, and you end up thinking, "Why can't you be more outgoing?"

Consider celebrating, rather than bemoaning, the natural variances within children. What would the world be like if they were all the same? What if they all sat quietly; unquestioning and unchallenging? We would have no innovators, leaders, creators and athletes. I wonder what Bill Cosby, Emily Dickenson or Robin Williams were like as children? Did their parents foster their special talents and dispositions?

I believe we all must see the potential in our children. We should not compare or wish they were like us, but look forward to what they can be. Celebrate and nurture what God-given attributes will help them achieve their unique destiny.

Changing negatives to positives

In our struggle with a "different" child, perhaps it is the parent who needs to adjust, not the child. If we change our negative labels of children to recognizing positive attributes that will serve them well in life, we can foster the temperament unique to each child. Here are some ideas to help change those labels:

"Loud" can be seen as an "enthusiastic" child.

"Stubborn" is a characteristic that helps someone be "willing to persist in the face of difficulties."

"Explosive" is a child who "expresses himself easily and clearly."

"Wild" is certainly an "energetic" child.

"Withdrawn" or "Shy" can be a positive trait of a "reflective observer."

"Moody" is a person who is "sensitive with a wide range of emotions."

Parents can teach themselves to rephrase labels when raising their child. Instead of telling another parent that their child "is just shy," have your child overhear you affirm, "She's a bit cautious in new situations."

Redirecting harmful behaviors

I am not advocating unconditional acceptance or indulging wrongful behavior. The "explosive" child (from the example above) can still be appreciated for her colorful personality, but a responsible parent will also curb behaviors that would damage her relations with others. A parent can continue being positive while saying to a child having a temper tantrum: "You may not scream at me or throw toys. Please take time in your room to cool off so we can talk respectfully with each other."

Parents may override, or redirect some behaviors to change them from negative to positive. In doing so, we help a child train herself to express her inborn tendencies in a socially acceptable and safe way. For example, with a highly explorative toddler who loves to climb in high places and pull out electrical cords, tell him, "My, you are curious. Let's go see what you can explore more safely in the kitchen cabinet." Not only does this redirect the child, it redirects the parent's attitude about their child.

Essential also is separating the undesirable behavior from the desirable child. "I don't approve of your lying to me, but I still love you. You are a good child. Lying is not."

Seeing the world from the child's perspective

I raised a very fearful child. I enrolled her in swim lessons, and she would not put one toe in the water. All that money wasted. I could have longingly looked at the other happy children splashing in the water, not wasting their parents' money, and resented my child's tendencies. I could have forced her to be something she was not, or not ready to do. A better approach was to see the world from her point of view. "I know how scary it is for you to try going into this water. The pool looks very big. Let's take the time you need to feel comfortable. We can sit here and watch how the other children are doing it." We sat on the side for a lot of lessons, but I'm happy to report that her toe, followed by other body parts, eventually got wet.

Clothing labels are permanent tags with brand names that broadcast information. Labels on children also broadcast how we feel about them whether that is "good" or "bad." Let's remember to leave labels for clothing if we are about to use a harmful label on a child. Children should be tagged with love. These reminders will help us do so:

1) Not label a child as "bad" or with other negative labels

2) Celebrate the differences among children as inborn tendencies

3) Change our perceptions of them from a negative to a positive

4) Redirect harmful behavior

5) Try to see the world from their perspective and adjust whenever possible

The post Putting labels on clothing (not children) appeared first on FamilyToday.

Really? Not so fast!

That very position of superiority can hinder us from not only listening, but understanding our children. We make decisions based on our own wisdom and experience, without input from the very child it will affect. After all, we know best. End of conversation.

I believe children tend to be better listeners because they have more of an investment in the information they hear. You may be thinking, "What? My kids never listen to what I say. They ignore me and I have to repeat myself a hundred times." Oh, they most likely heard you the first time. They just chose not to respond because it wasn't beneficial to them.

"Clean up your room," isn't motivating.

"Turn off the TV," isn't what they want to do.

But have a quiet conversation with your spouse in a room separate from your teen about something that will critically affect them and, amazingly, they hear you. The expression is true: "Little pitchers have big ears."

Parents are too busy giving orders, multitasking and expecting unchallenged compliance from their children. I believe that makes us bad listeners. And we set a bad example for our children to follow. As James A. Baldwin said, "Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."

I suggest we work on intentional listening instead. One way we can be intentional is through empathetic listening.

Empathetic listening

Empathy is to put yourself in the place of another person and understand their feelings. As parents, we can listen empathetically when we:

• Don't judge.

• Don't demand agreement.

• Don't rush to fix the problem.

Instead, we are:

• Present.

• Mindful.

• Aware of what our child is saying.

Here are three common statements by children and contrasting responses by parents:

1. Child statement

"I hate Shelly. She is so mean!"

Typical parent response

"You don't hate her. She's a nice girl."

Empathetic listening and response

"Wow! You sound upset. What happened?"

2. Child Statement

"I don't want to go to school."

Typical parent response

"Well you don't have a choice now, do you? The bus will be here soon."

Empathetic listening and response

"School can be hard sometimes. What's going on?"

3. Child Statement

"I can't clean my room. It's too hard!"

Typical parent response

"What is hard is when you get grounded for not cleaning it. So march!"

Empathetic listening and response

"You're right. That's a super messy place. I'd be overwhelmed too, if that was my room. What could make it less hard?"

Notice the typical parent responses want unquestioned compliance and to give orders. The second examples show a parent who sees beyond the emotion and listens empathetically.

Follow up questions

Follow up with intentional "Who, what, how and why," questions to get more information. They help the child to feel understood. When we do that, solutions seem to naturally follow.

Conscious listening opens the door to understanding. So if you want to be a better listener, be intentional and listen empathetically. Seek to understand. Here is a review of the do's and don'ts:

Don't judge, demand or rush to fixthe problem.

Do be present, mindful and awareof the feelings your child expresses.

The post Who are better listeners? Parents or children? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Many of my friends and neighbors are bonded as families through shared activities. These parents continue to feed their passion (after all, we are people as well as parents), and their children have caught on to the family vision. One family does community theater together, another owns a boat and goes waterskiing weekly during the summer months; another attends or watches sporting events together and sprinkles their conversations with sports trivia and inside sporting jokes.

Sharing your passion with your children helps them see what excites you, what you find interesting to talk about, and what is an important part of your past, present and future. It's what makes you - you. The time together is quality time regardless of the quantity.

In Parenting magazine, Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, a child psychiatrist and author states, "Nothing will bring you together faster than sharing a passion. Your children will feel that they know you more intimately and that they have something that the two of you can share for the rest of your lives."

My husband and I grew up in a small town near the ocean. We go home yearly and often take our children to our favorite beaches to comb for rocks, sea shells and tide pools. Now, if our vacations home don't include a visit to the ocean, the kids are disappointed. You know you've really connected when the children look forward to doing the activity. Dr. Rosenfeld adds: "Any ritual or interest that you can share as a family establishes a sense of identity - of whom you are as a family. And that will stay with your children all their lives."

Sharing our passion not only connects the family, but it helps the child in these critical areas:

• Enhances self-esteem (they feel more competent)

• Offers more social opportunities (they gain a new circle of friends)

• Increases leadership (they can show others how to do it)

• Activates their imagination (less boredom, more creativity)

• Greater educational value (learning increases in new domains)

• They learn important life skills (i.e. self-discipline, hard work and patience)

The Parenting magazine article advises ways to involve our children. "Try talking out loud about what you are doing when pursuing your hobby ('OK, I'm cracking the egg into the batter now, and I'm going to beat it until it turns a light yellow').

Hype your excitement when you get to a favorite part ('I love shining up old silver coins I've collected. They look so cool. Want to help rub?').

Ask his opinion ('Well, that didn't work right, did it? What do you think I should do?'). And don't forget to use kid-friendly language ('Paint remover is like a super magic potion that fixes mistakes')."

Inviting our children into our world can make it a bit more messy and unpredictable. But oh, what glorious fun it can be! Here areĀ three tips for making it successful:

1. Break it down

Make the activities child-sized, using age-appropriate skills and attention span.

2. Make the time

For example, you could schedule every Saturday morning to work together on a model train set or go boating during summer months.

3. Be flexible

You don't have to do it exactly your way. Yes, it will take more time and be more chaotic. But who else would you want your child learning from? Ask your child how they would like to do it from time to time, such as having a child stitch a quilt with the design they like.

If you find a child doesn't share your personal passions, that's OK. Through you, they will still learn to take risks, be open to new ideas and be enthusiastic about learning. You still share a love for life and enhancing skills and interests. When they find what hobbies they want to pursue, you can enthusiastically support them and welcome new conversations that might bring.

The post Sharing hobbies with your child appeared first on FamilyToday.

"Is my child old enough to be enrolled in kindergarten?" Check.

"Does my child know his ABC's?" Check.

"Can my child write her name?" Check.

"Does my child self-regulate his emotions, play well with others and follow rules and routines?" Hmmm. Not really.

As a professor, former kindergarten teacher and a mother of five children, I've seen dramatic changes in early childhood education in the past 30 years. Kindergarten classrooms of today are more similar to first grades of the past. No more milk, cookies and nap times. The emphasis is on academics, regardless of the child's age or emotional readiness. Research clearly shows a connection between emotional maturity and academic success. To address the social and emotional preparation and readiness, parents can do the following:

1. Minimize rewards for good behavior

Foster the intrinsic and lasting reward of self-confidence and positive peer relationships. Here are some phrases related to this behavior:

"Thank you for cleaning up your toys so quickly. Now we'll have more time for the two of us to read your favorite book together."

"You worked very hard on setting the table correctly. I was so impressed how you caught your mistake and changed the forks to the other side of the plate. Look at the finished table setting. How does it make you feel inside to know you did that all by yourself?"

"I saw today that you pushed Angelo on the swing when he couldn't pump himself. That was a nice way to help him out and take turns. I'm sure he likes having you for a friend because you think of others."

2. Use "Induction" techniques

These allow pre-kindergarteners opportunities to gain an understanding of the likelihood of how their actions may affect themselves and others. Here are some examples:

"If you let Hannah use your crayons, she'll probably let you use her markers. Then you can both have different kinds of writing utensils."

"When you throw your toys, they might get broken or stepped on."

"If you don't hang up your backpack each day, you will probably forget where it is and have to go to school without it."

3. Help identify and process emotions in a healthy manner

. When a child exhibits a strong emotion, it is best to not judge, undermine, devaluate or belittle him. Such negative phrases include:

"Stop acting like a baby."

"No, you don't hate your friend! She's a nice girl."

"You drive me crazy with your tantrums."

A pre-kindergarten child has difficulty understanding and putting labels on feelings and therefore, can feel out of control. He doesn't know what he is feeling or how to deal with it.

Parents can help by allowing the child to express his emotion in a safe situation, label the emotion ("Oh, you are cranky because you are so tired") and let the child know you will be ready to talk when he calms down. I like to say, "When your voice is calm like mine, then we can talk." Gaining emotional readiness is a key component for kindergarten maturation.

4. Build empathy

This can be done through serving others so the child gains an awareness of others in a stage of life that is naturally self-centered. Look for ways to help a neighbor or serve in a community organization and ask, "How does it make you feel to help?" When another sibling or friend is having a difficult time, use that as a teaching moment with your child. Talk about the situation, why that child feels that way, does your child ever feel that way too, how could we help and what would your child do if he were in that situation?

5. Structure rules, expectations and consequences

Be assured that in a quality kindergarten classroom, your child will experience all of these. "I don't want to," is not an acceptable excuse and dawdling can be devastating when she misses out on the fun. If you don't have a regular, consistent schedule of daily activities at home, your child will have more difficulty adjusting to them at school. Here are some items that should be established and addressed at home:

Daily chores

Even a small child can be expected to clear her plate from the table, pick up her toys, dress herself, feed a pet and make other family and household contributions.

Consistent schedule

Follow a schedule as much as possible. Consistency is reassuring and motivating for young children. Follow an early morning (post a picture chart to follow) as well as a bedtime routine. Give support and encouragement as your child completes these activities. Do as much as you can together to model it correctly. Use these as teaching moments for life skills. Allow privileges (reading a book together, going on an outing or playing with friends) after she is done.

Expect age appropriate behavior

Parents often demand too much or too little from their young children, not knowing where the right balance lies. Of course each child develops at a different rate of maturity, but there are general developmental competencies to achieve before children can function independently in kindergarten. Can he be left with another adult without major separation anxiety? Can he care for his own bathroom needs? (Really! I had a student who was never taught this.) The child should know that whining, tantruming and aggressiveness is not acceptable and will not garner attention or rewards.

Kindergarten readiness depends on social and emotional maturity. If children can self-regulate behaviors, follow the structure and schedule of a school environment and get along with others, then academic learning can more easily follow. Check!

The post Beyond ABCs: Is your child emotionally ready for kindergarten? appeared first on FamilyToday.