However, there are other steps that may be more important to take before attorneys get involved. Here's some advice on how to survive infidelity if you are unfortunate enough to experience it yourself.

DISCLAIMER

Before we talk about keeping your spouse, there are three situations where that might not be smart:

• If your spouse is a serial cheater.

• If there has ever been violence in the home.

• If the cheating is blatant and he or she doesn't try to hide it.

If none of those apply to you, let's talk about what you can do to survive and perhaps salvage your marriage.

Things to Contemplate

Before you act, there are a few things to contemplate and ponder.

1. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO RECOVER

from the shock before you make life-altering decisions. Don't jump the gun only to regret your hastiness the rest of your life.

2. FIND A FRIEND WHOM YOU CAN TRUST

Someone who will have your best interests at heart - and who knows all of the good qualities that your spouse possesses. Here are some of the things a friend can do for you:

• A friend can remind you that he or she may be a "keeper"� in the long run.

• A friend can remind you of the good parts of your marriage because in your post-infidelity shock, you no longer see any good in your marriage. (When you've kicked him/her out, the good parts of your marriage may flood your brain, but by then it will be too late.)

• A friend will keep up your confidence so you can be strong enough to insist on consequences and assurances from your spouse so you will be protected in case he or she cheats again.

3. START THERAPY IMMEDIATELY

The road back won't be easy and you will need and benefit from outside professional help. Don't use the excuse that you can't afford it. If you can't afford counseling, you certainly can't afford the long-term costs of divorce.

4. REMEMBER YOU WILL BE FOREVER CONNECTED TO YOUR CHILDREN'S FATHER OR MOTHER

whether you are with him/her or not. This must loom large in your decision. Keep in mind that a lot of couples go through infidelity and they come out the other end better and stronger than ever.

5. DON'T BLAME YOURSELF

for your spouse's cheating. But don't automatically dump him/her for it when, sometimes, a lack of effective communication is partly to blame.

6. ASK, DID YOUR SPOUSE'S LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY AT HOME GIVE HIM/HER TOO MUCH FREEDOM?

The risk of infidelity would be cut drastically if husbands didn't have so much free time after work while wives have so little. Wives typically come home to a second (or third) full-time job "doing it all"� to keep the family running, on call 24/7.

7. TRY PERMANENTLY SHARING HOUSEHOLD CHORES

This would greatly lighten your burden, nourishing you with time and energy for yourself. For example, no longer would a husband necessarily have a boring or uncooperative wife (one who is too tired to even think of having fun), or an angry and resentful wife who doesn't have time to fix herself up. These are not attractive traits for anyone to come home to.

8. WATCH FOR AND READ ARTICLES

on solving the imbalance of household work.

While there are certainly some circumstances where a marriage cannot be saved when a spouse cheats, there are plenty of other situations where things can be worked out and even improved. It takes work and painful honesty, but by following these steps, you may be able to save your marriage and improve your chances of long-term happiness with your spouse.

Sherri Mills, author of "I Almost Divorced My Husband, But I Went on Strike Instead," considers her 40+ years as a hairdresser her "research in life."� She has listened to family problems and followed real-life outcomes through several generations.

The post How to survive infidelity appeared first on FamilyToday.

Differences of opinion, differences of upbringing and even the differences between males and females can cause unexpected conflict. When we are thrust into a different world (different upbringings automatically become different worlds), we want to change the other person to fit our own perceived reality.

Wanting to change our loved one? What a strange reaction to the person with whom we fell in love - a person we loved just as he or she was!

Stranger still is the time it takes us to deal with those differences. Over weeks, months and even years, these unresolved differences become the foundation for much marital discord.

When I wrote the book I Almost Divorced My Husband but I Went on Strike Instead, I shared what had sustained me in the dark hours of my marriage. Here's my secret.

Early on in my marriage I took a three-by-five recipe card and wrote down all of my husband's good qualities and kept it in my recipe box. I didn't leave anything out. This is a good way to work through your differences while they seem large. Later on, you will laugh at them because they will be so insignificant. As a marriage matures, however, a variety of real problems will cause friction in your marriage - your "appreciation card"� will be a lifesaver for those times.

What Do I Put On My Appreciation Card?

Below are some examples of questions about your spouse you will want to answer on your card:

• Is he a good provider?

• Is he/she handsome/pretty?

• Does he/she brush his teeth?

• Does he/she keep himself clean?

• Does he/she make you laugh?

• Is he/she good to your mom?

• Does he/she (never) miss work?

• Is he/she a good lover?

• Does he/she love his/her children?

• Does he/she keep his/her word?

The card I wrote listed twenty-two attributes about my husband. When we were having a bad day and all I could focus on were negatives (what he was doing wrong or why he was making me so angry), I would pull out that card and quickly realize how lucky I was.

The card helped me to put everything into perspective. My anger may not have been defused immediately, but at least I knew I had a keeper. I still have that card. It's old and tattered from use. Luckily I no longer need to refer to it.

A word of caution: if your husband/wife lacks in any of the above examples, don't put him/her down, but don't blame him/her for not excelling in that area either. Every person has different attributes. Consider your own. Don't leave out any of his/her good qualities, even small positives such as he/she shuts the door behind him/her.

Make your own appreciation card you can use to remind you why you fell for your spouse when differences get in the way. It's simple, takes very little time and can carry you through the difficult periods we all encounter in marriage.

The post Keep an ‘appreciation card’ appeared first on FamilyToday.