But that's really what it is. Valentine's Day is a day to show love. Valentine's Day is a day to build up those you care about. And Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate anyone who makes a difference in your life. Even your single friends.

So tap into your own vulnerability. Think about your time as one of the single folk, and keep your lips sealed before you say any of these six lame (but oh-so-common) phrases.

"Valentine's Day must be hard."

Why it's a lame thing to say: Assuming that Valentine's Day will be hard for a single friend suggests the worst. It suggests that Valentine's Day should be hard as a single person. And depending on your relationship with the person, its underlying tone says: What could a single person possibly be happy about on Valentine's Day? Exuding pity toward your friend is not exactly the most loving vibe.

What to say instead: Nothing. Or depending on your relationship with your single friend you could say: I love you. I'm glad to see you. I'm so glad you're my friend.

"I could set you up."

Why it's a lame thing to say: So much of life is about timing. If you're already friends with thus stated single person, then pick another day (other than Valentine's Day) to inquire about his interest in being set up.

What to say instead: Nothing. If you're good enough friends, ask your single friend - on any day other than Valentine's Day - if she has any interest in meeting someone you know. Based on her response, drop it or expand more.

"I've heard online dating works."

Why it's a lame thing to say: Timing. Timing. Timing. The most loaded day for being in a relationship is probably not the day to share your grapevine advice with someone. And this comment is laced with assumptions and pity.

What to say instead - nothing.

"You're lucky you're not in a relationship!"

Why it's a lame thing to say: This statement is a back-handed compliment - both to your partner and your single friend. This comment also assumes the single person you're talking to wants to be in a relationship - and she is really the fortunate one to have an unencumbered life since your relationship-clad life is so hard and complicated. It also exudes a sense of pity and suggests your single friend is flawed because she is not in a relationship.

What to say instead: Nothing. Or a sincere "I'm so happy I know you."

"But you're so pretty-handsome-nice-funny."

Why it's a lame thing to say: This statement is intended to be a compliment - but the lingering unasked question is: "So, I don't understand how you could be single?" Which places blame on your friend for not being in a relationship.

What to say instead: Nothing. Or if the moment warrants, tell her you love her sense of humor, the way she communicates, or say how glad you are that she is your friend.

"You'll find your special someone."

Why it's a lame thing to say: Again, this comment - with spotlight precision - gives your friend the sense that you see him as incomplete. And really, since we're not psychics - we don't actually know that our friend will find his special someone - or even if he wants a special someone right now.

What to say instead: Nothing. Or, depending on your relationship, express your feelings of gratitude for your single friend. Be specific. Be sincere. And don't frame your expressions of love in the context of a relationship.

And so we see that life really is about the simple nothings. Expressing your love or saying nothing. Especially to your single friends on Valentine's Day.

The post 6 phrases single people ignore on Valentine’s Day appeared first on FamilyToday.

Spend time daily

One of the best ways to become a powerful influence in your child's life is to spend time daily with them. This can be hard with multiple children - but it's worth it, and your children will look forward to it. Spending one-on-one time daily teaches your child that she is important. It gives you insight into your child's day-to-day life. You set the time - and she decides (within your parameters) what she would like you to do.

Watch TV together

Watching TV with your children gives you an opportunity to see the influences in their lives firsthand. It gives you an opportunity to voice your concerns, disagree with TV characters or even plan a family discussion about things that concern you. Watching TV with your kids also gives you time to snuggle (if you've got a snuggler) and gives your kids the touch that is important for their growth.

Show your weaknesses

This may feel counterintuitive to some, but showing your weaknesses to your kids will actually make them admire you more. It will help them feel OK about their weaknesses. And if you can give a sincere, "I'm sorry" and "Will you forgive me?" to your child - you will garner more love and respect than you can imagine.

Support their interests

Maybe you're not big into hip-hop dancing. Or rubber-band jewelry. But the support that you show your children by investing time, money and a listening ear will help them feel loved and supported.

Exercise together

Exercise is a great bonding tool. Exercise helps us feel good on a hormonal level - and if we add the component of being with people we love, it can make for a positive experience. Plan for walks, hikes, swims or any other activity that will get you moving with people you love.

Be calm (aka: practice the calm response)

Kids will be more likely to share their worries and problems with you if they can trust that you will be calm. Practice listening without talking. Practice answering with empathy-producing comments like, "Wow. That sounds hard." Calmness begets trust, which will help create a powerful bond between you and your kids.

Memorize your favorite words together

Whether you memorize scripture, your family motto, or a passage from Harry Potter - it doesn't matter. What matters is you spend the time working together to have powerful words that you can recollect at any time. Consider memorizing words that can be a call to courage and authenticity that you can remind one another of when life gets hard.

Stay informed

Being a powerful parent also involves the investment in staying on top of technology and the "predators" that lurk. Learn about social media (especially Twitter and Instagram), sexting and pornography. Plan together to talk about hot topics as a family and help your kids come up with game plans by role-playing true-to-life experiences.

Practice self-care

Sometimes we feel guilty about self-care. We think taking a bubble bath or giving ourselves alone time is an indulgence. But practicing self-care will show your kids how they can behave when they are parents. It teaches children that everyone has needs that are important. And will make for a happier parent-child relationship.

Say 'no'

A kind and firm no is one of the best practices for our children. Say "no" to underage drinking. Say "no" to parties at friends' houses when you don't know the parents. Say "no" to anything that doesn't feel right, even if you don't know why. Your job as a parent includes preparing them, loving them - and also protecting them.

And when all is said and done - tuck your kids into bed at night, look into the eyes of each one as you tell them you love them. Because your power-of-influence as a parent explodes as your kids are both shown and told how much they mean to you.

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Memorizing quotes or scriptures can help unify and strengthen your family. Find quotes that will encourage, inspire, and relate to the problems that they are facing. Take the time to explain to your children why the passage is meaningful for you. Ask older kids if they have something they want to memorize.

To help you get started, here are nine awesome quotes:

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1. Self-deprecation

You crack jokes about yourself at meetings, during play dates or even in front of your children. Being good-humored and a good sport about your quirks is one thing, but these days, many of us fall into the trap of self-deprecation. We allow others to mock us - even publicly.

Why to cleanse your life of self-deprecation

Ever heard of a "self-fulfilling prophecy?" A self-fulfilling prophecy is "a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it is already true." So, when you bad-mouth yourself, there is a part of you that accepts your words as truth and may even help you live up to those negative words.

How to start again

Notice how you talk about yourself. Notice how you feel when you talk about yourself. Instead of focusing on the areas of your life you can't change, focus on the areas you can change. Begin treating yourself more kindly. People often treat you how you treat yourself.

2. Lack of boundaries

Allowing others (or even yourself) to poke fun at you may be an indication of an even bigger issue: not setting boundaries. You show a lack of boundaries when you say "yes" when you want to say "no," when you stay silent when someone does something that hurts you or when you allow others to do or say things that make you feel uncomfortable.

Why to cleanse your life of bad boundaries

The short and long-term effects from a lack of boundaries are ginormous. In the short-term, you may feel frustrated, angry and resentful. Over time, you may feel like you don't deserve to have your needs met.

How to start again

Practice setting boundaries. Start small by giving a thoughtful "no" to a person at church, work or someplace you won't see that person every day. Then, work up to setting boundaries in more important relationships. Remember that setting boundaries at home may be the hardest place to set boundaries, and don't forget that setting boundaries is not a "one and done" ordeal. You may have to kindly and gently remind others of what's best for you. Also, thanking others for respecting your feelings will strengthen your soul.

3. Coasting in life

When you were a kid, you had a long list of dreams. As you got older, having to make a living and other realities of life set in. But dreams are not just for children. "Coasting" in life is forgetting about your dreams and not making time for the things that make you happiest.

Why to cleanse your life of coasting

Coasting is bad because it doesn't honor the part of you that wants to be challenged. When you have an interest or desire, learning a new skill or trade is well worth the effort. Holistically, our minds and souls want to be challenged and to grow.

How to start again

Make a list of all of the things that interest you. Talk to your support system - your spouse, friends, family - about how they could help as you begin to work on something from your list. For some, this could be something as simple as learning to play the guitar. For others, this could mean beginning a whole new vocation.

The most important thing to remember is that your needs are important. You are important. You have the power to change the way you communicate and the way you behave, expanding and beautifying your soul.

The post 3 toxic habits that are poisoning your life appeared first on FamilyToday.

Don't let yourself go

Courtship is filled with days of wanting to look good for your partner. But marriage isn't the time to stop. In fact, the way we treat our bodies affects the way we feel about ourselves and our relationships. It even has the potential to make us uncomfortable about being intimate with our spouses. Make sure you do the things that help you feel good about yourself. Get your exercise. Get dressed and ready to go for the day. You'll feel all the better for it (which is way sexy).

Don't withhold

Before marriage, many of us put the brakes on intimacy. But post-nuptials are not the time to hold back - especially when it comes to things as important as love, intimacy and your feelings. When you're hurt, say something. When you're mad, talk about it. But don't use your sacred intimate relationship as a battleground for things you need to work on.

Don't have an affair with technology

Not having an extramarital affair goes without saying, but spending more time with your phone, tablet or other technology can be like an affair too. Make sure that your first priority (which is communicated in how you spend your time) is the person who put a ring on your finger.

Don't forget to "stay in"

Get a babysitter. Stay up extra late. Plan a weekend for the kids at grandma's. Do what you have to do to have a "stay in" night with your spouse. Touch is an important part of marriage, and making time for that should be a top priority.

Don't expect your life to be fixed

Some of us have pains from our pasts that we thought would be fixed once we got married. But life doesn't work that way. Our pain is not erased when we get married - in fact, sometimes close relationships have a way of triggering old pain. If you find yourself dissatisfied because marriage isn't what you thought, consider talking to your spouse - and possibly even a counselor - about it.

Don't stop the "sweet nothings"

We all need help filling our love buckets - and our closest relationships are a good source for that. Tell your partner daily what you love about him or her. Leave sticky notes of love on mirrors and notes of gratitude in lunch bags. And don't forget to tell your partner that you think she looks good or that you find her "oh-so-attractive."

Don't expect marriage to make your spouse a mind reader

Sometimes we forget that, in pre-marriage, we had to let our partners know when we needed things - like help or support. Marriage doesn't bestow mind reading powers on your spouse (sorry). Stay diligent in communicating the things you need help with, the gifts that you would love, the way you would like to be touched and anything else that would help your relationship be sweeter.

Don't stop doing what makes you happy

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that marriage is all we need. It's true that marriage is the primary relationship in our lives, but relationships with good friends and family - and staying up with hobbies and things that refuel you - will actually enrich your marriage.

Don't bad-mouth married life or your spouse

One of the best ways to poison your marriage is to criticize your spouse or your marriage around others. Sadly, bad-mouthing our marriages and spouses is widely accepted in our society - as depicted in the caricatures of "the ball and chain" wife and the "old man" who holds back his wife. If you have marriage problems, work on them with your spouse or with a therapist. Keep your partnership sacred. Protect your marriage by carefully considering how you speak about it.

Don't forget to have fun

Marriage is super hard, but it is also super amazing - if we plan for it. As with most things in life, if we don't plan what we want, it won't happen. So, plan a weekly date night. Create inside jokes with your spouse. Overall, have fun with your best friend.

The post Have you said ‘I do?’ Then avoid these ‘I don’ts’ appeared first on FamilyToday.

Every diva is different. So, take a step back and look at your daughter. Really look at her. When you pinpoint the things that motivate her diva behavior, you'll be able to understand which of these three scenarios applies to your little prima donna.

Attention-seeking diva

Some diva-like behavior is developmental and is usually caused by your daughter's need to test boundaries. This type of diva is motivated by attention or thrills. She may even feel misunderstood or may not feel that she belongs.

For this diva, make sure you spend at least 10 minutes each day one-on-one with her (more time if you can manage it). Empower her by giving her options about what she'd like to do with you. Together, you can paint nails, look for songs to download on her iPod or make cookies. In addition, supply her with healthy attention-getting outlets such as theater, choir or dance.

Diva on overload

Another type of diva is the overstimulated diva. This diva's behavior happens when she is overstimulated by sights, sounds or life experiences. Her behavior is based on unmet needs, and she will struggle unlearning her diva behaviors until her needs are met.

If your daughter seems overwhelmed by social situations (e.g. school, church, play dates), schedule buffer time between activities so she can refuel and have the quiet time she needs. There may even be a clinical root beneath her behaviors such as depression, ADHD or a sensory disorder. Consult with your child's doctor if structured refueling time doesn't help this diva.

Loosey-goosey diva

This diva behavior happens with daughters who always have to know "what's going to happen next" and who require more structure in their lives.

For this diva, consider creating a family responsibility chart. Post the chart where everyone can see it, and be sure to include all your kids in the decision-making process as you assign tasks.

Once you've identified your diva, define your boundaries

Sometimes diva behavior happens because we haven't defined our boundaries. In other words, we let our kids use us. If your diva wants something, she can get it herself. If your diva wants to buy something, she can save up and buy it (just make sure she has the tools - ways of making money - to do so). You don't have to do everything for your daughter. She won't love you more because you do things for her.

As you go about setting boundaries with your daughter, try using "pre-announced ignoring." This works great with divas who speak to parents in tones that make us feel uncomfortable. Say something like, "I'll be happy to listen to you when you ask me kindly."

Remember, while you may not want to make a big deal about some of your daughter's behaviors, maintaining positive relationships is a lifelong skill that will impact your daughter's ability to find and keep jobs, make good friends and attract an awesome husband.

When all is said and done, love your daughter. Speak kind words and focus on her strengths.

The post Is your daughter a diva? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Spend your life creating rose-colored glasses

Let's face it: Life hands us stuff we never would have ordered. Miscarriages. Car accidents. Health diagnoses. Layoffs. Divorce. You get the picture. But regardless of what experiences you've been handed - spend time cultivating a healthy perspective on your experiences. Grieve for your losses, then look for the things you can learn (and have learned) from each experience. Think of the people who have helped you through. Think of how you can now help people who are now where you once were. When we begin a daily practice of giving the benefit of the doubt, forgiving and letting go of outcomes by turning our lives over to God, then you train your brain to look for the glimmers of goodness without even thinking. And you keep up your bright-side perspective well into the dementia years by practicing daily.

Spend your life filling your mind

Look back on your life. Think of your accomplishments. Consider all the knowledge and wisdom you have garnered because of your years of formal education. Because of the time you spent learning a trade or because of the communication class you took with your spouse. Live your life in such a way that you spend time daily learning something new. Maybe you learn to rollerblade. Maybe you learn to ask your children to do their homework in a kinder way. Maybe you become a nurse. But whatever you do, keep learning. Add more tools to your toolbox. Because the more you know and learn and live, the less likely you are to have regrets about how you spent your time. And all learning is an investment in you.

Spend your life relationship focused

Most of us work so that we can have a family. Provide for them. Care for them. Have quality experiences with them. But be sure that your means to provide doesn't become your primary focus. Create a daily practice for in-person connecting with people. Especially your spouse and children. Give your family a group hug before you leave every morning. Create a good-bye ritual with your spouse. In the end, it won't matter what we do for work - but it will matter to the people who we are closest to. Build securely so that your loved ones know you prize them as the most important.

Spend your life spiritually focused

Sometimes we get in the habit of thinking about God only when we're hungry (mealtimes) or when we're tired (when we wake up or go to bed). But thinking about God always as a daily practice will help us to become more like him.

And the best ways to practice being more spiritual is by reading about those we admire, talking about people we admire and living like those we admire. Think of what would happen if you only talked to your spouse when you were hungry or tired? Or when you were really, really happy? What would happen to your relationship? Would she really know you? Make sure you habitually speak to God and spend your time connecting to Him. Because life is too fast - and the small moments really do matter.

The post Devoting your time to things that last appeared first on FamilyToday.

How to treat themselves

Our kids are always watching. Watching and learning. Especially how we treat ourselves. Consider how you talk to yourself. Do you ever call yourself stupid? Do you ever say things like "I can't ever do things right!" If you do, consider changing your script. Ask for a "do-over" and correct yourself by saying, "That's not true. I'm not stupid. I just made a mistake."

Self-talk can even extend to our physicality. Do you ever groan when you look at yourself in the mirror? Grab the skin around your stomach area? Or call yourself ugly? Even if you are discouraged by an aging and changed body, you can shift your focus by speaking about your body's ability: My body has sure done a lot over the years.

In addition to how you talk to yourself, do you listen and respond to your body's signals? Do you rest when you're tired? Do you eat when you're hungry?

When you show self-compassion, you teach your child that mistakes are OK, an imperfect body is to be expected and taking care of one's needs is a sign of strength.

How to prioritize people

We all need to stay connected. It keeps us alert. It keeps us in the loop. And it satisfies our curiosity. But when texting, talking on the phone, chatting, messaging, or even video conferencing come before flesh and bone - it's time to reconsider your priorities.

Looking at it another way, how do you hope your child will prioritize his important relationships? Would you want your son to be texting while at dinner with his wife? Would you want your daughter to finish a text before helping her crying child? Or would you want your child to come over for a visit and bring the grandkids? Prioritize your life with real-life people at the top (and that includes scheduling in adult time for you) and technology as a less-important second.

How to deal with anger

Many of us grew up in families where it wasn't OK to feel mad. And yet anger is just a portion of our broad spectrum of emotions. Anger brings something that the other emotions can't. Anger pushes us to look closely at problems. Anger inspires action. And anger can be a giant indicator there is a something wrong that we need to change in our lives.

Now don't get me wrong - reacting on angry impulses by blurting out mean words, throwing things, or any other way isn't OK. But the actual emotion of anger is -well - just an emotion. Evaluate how you handle situations that bring your blood to a boil. And teach by your example that parents can often use a time-out too, or that a walk outside can give clarity and solutions to what triggered your anger. Let your kids know that anger is OK - by being OK with it yourself.

How to involve God in your life

Evaluate your relationship with God. As personal as our relationship with God seems, most children will model their budding faith upon yours. Do you speak of God daily? Do you point out the hand of God in your life? Do you pray when you lose your keys? Or do you pray for strength? It's not only how we involve God but how frequently. Show your kids that God is always there by talking to Him always.

How to solve relationship problems

When most disagreements happen in families, the first part - the disagreement - often happens with an audience. However, things are often resolved behind closed doors when no one is around. Consider solving appropriate family problems in front of the kids. This can teach them that all loving and supportive relationships will have kinks that need to be resolved. It can show your kids how you can respect and validate a person's feelings - and disagree at the same time. Help your kids to know there is no recipe to solving every relationship problem but with patience, love, and dedication to the relationship most problems can be resolved.

Parenting certainly carries its challenges, but knowing you can have a positive influence on your young ones without even trying offers an inspiring and unique opportunity to teach.

The post 5 things your kids are learning from you that you never realized appeared first on FamilyToday.

Don't throw out your schedule

As freeing as a day without a schedule feels, a day without a schedule also means that you can't block out time for that two-hour nap you need. A day that is scheduled is a day that fits in your most important things. And if it's not written down then it may not happen, which leads to disappointments not rejuvenation. So be sure to "schedule" in your most important things: rest, exercise and time with loved ones.

Don't bring work home

Weekends are a time to unplug. Plan your workweek in several ways to prepare yourself for an uninterrupted weekend. First, during your workweek, get your most important jobs done first so that crunch-time doesn't happen on the weekends. And second, use your workweek to let your boss and coworkers know that work-life balance is important to you. Communicate directly (even through "auto-reply" email messages that let all those you work with know you will not be available on the weekend.) Express gratitude to those you work with who support you and let them know how weekend sabbaticals help you remain sharp and supercharged.

Don't say yes to every request

You're a great person. You have nothing to prove. And when you get the last-minute request to help with a work project or church assignment ask yourself, Am I the only person who can do this? Or, am I the right person to do this? Analyze how you feel. Peace usually means it's a good idea to agree to the request. Stress, anxiety and fear of social repercussions are an indication to consider it further or to say no. Some requests may bump out things in your schedule - but often those kinds of requests typically leave you feeling refueled because you feel good about doing them. But if saying yes makes you feel resentful - consider a firm "no" and tend to your unmet need to refuel.

Don't stay inside

The great outdoors (aka getting outside) is great medicine for the soul. The benefits of fresh air and sunshine are paramount. Time in the sun helps activate Vitamin D synthesis in our bodies, which help combat things such as osteoporosis, cancer and even depression. And there's something about being outside that gets us moving. Whether we're throwing a football with our kids, doing yard work or just going for a walk it's hard to be sedentary for long when we're outside. And the bonus - your overall concentration levels will improve.

Don't forget about 1:1 time

Make your marriage one of your top weekend priorities by scheduling 1:1 time with your spouse. To make things easier, consider a standing date and secure a babysitter every week. And remember to keep the talk about kids to a minimum. Keep the conversation about you and your spouse. And as contrived as this might sound, many partners find ice-breakers helpful. Things like each of you saying your best and worsts of the day. Or giving each other a big-picture overview by sharing how you're feeling spiritually, physically, emotionally and sexually.

Finally don't forget to laugh. Bring up your personal favorite inside jokes (or stay on the lookout for any newly created inside jokes) to keep things fun and lighthearted. The investment you make into your marriage will keep you rejuvenated long past the weekend.

The post Great ways to feel regenerated this weekend appeared first on FamilyToday.

She's busy

Kids and work. Kids and work. On most days a single mom seesaws between kids and work. And depending on the age and number of kids she may be lucky to fit in the extras like exercise and the occasional date. You can make things easier for her by giving her options as to when you can get together. Build time into your schedule for her. Don't take it personally if she can't swing it to join you for events - especially last minute. Take her busyness as a glimmer of her responsible nature. Because who wouldn't want to be with someone who loves their kids and pays their bills?

She appreciates solidness

One misnomer is that divorce is the easy way out. Divorce is not easy. Divorce is heart-wrenching. Divorce puts you face-to-face with your own demons. A single mom has learned what it's like to be alone. She's gained perspective on the things that are most important in relationships. Things like kindness, patience, the ability to communicate and being grounded in good things. And let's not forget that she's not just dating for herself - she's scoping you out in terms of her kids. Your steady style will help increase her feelings of love for you.

She's got triggers

You said something and then she pulls away. She ends the conversation. She closes off emotionally. You're confused. And you're worried that you might have ruined things with her. Chances are you've come face-to-face with one of her triggers.

We all have triggers. They're the icky Deja vu moment that reminds us of a person or painful experience. Many single moms are aware of their triggers and when they happen - they can reassure their partner: WHOA. I just had a trigger. It's not about you. But can I share with you what happened when we were talking? If she's not yet aware of her triggers - and you feel you may have stepped upon a trigger land-mine - consider talking to her. State the facts: I just noticed that you pulled back after I spoke. Did I say something that upset you? Be patient through this process. Her trust in you and in positive relationships will increase.

She's used to doing things on her own

Let's face it: Single moms are a one person show. They work. They raise kids. They cook. They clean. They pay the bills. And on and on. And single moms get used to the drill of doing most things on their own. In fact, because she's used to doing it all she may feel like if she gives up one thing - all the bricks of life will come crashing down on her. Reassure her that you don't want to change things that are working well for her. But let her know that you'd like to be helpful. Ask her how you can be helpful. And let her know that there are certain things that she may be used to doing on her own, but it would be great if she'd step down and let you do them for her (things like opening doors, helping with hard to open jars, etc.)

She'll put her kids first

Single moms have a fierce loyalty to their kids. It's the way it should be. Consider what it says about her and her dedication to her closest relationships. Contemplate what her kids have been through. And acknowledge that one of the surest ways to her heart is by putting them first too. Find things to love about her kids. Look at life from their perspective. And above all - show them how a good man should treat their mother.

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