Janie McQueen – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com Here today, better tomorrow. Sat, 20 Apr 2013 21:30:00 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.8.3 https://wp-media.familytoday.com/2020/03/favicon.ico Janie McQueen – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com 32 32 Find the divorce lawyer that is right for you https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/find-the-divorce-lawyer-that-is-right-for-you/ Sat, 20 Apr 2013 21:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/find-the-divorce-lawyer-that-is-right-for-you/ During an already stressful time, hiring a divorce lawyer can add to your worry and confusion. Knowing what you are…

The post Find the divorce lawyer that is right for you appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>

I had a long talk a couple of weeks ago with a local woman I'll call Alice, who is on her third divorce lawyer. It was clear the first two she'd hired didn't do much with the ample retainers she gave them. Now she's having to start from scratch, not knowing how she's ever going to afford her divorce. Her husband is stretching out the case, not playing by the rules. She's terrified of what he'll do next.

I was dumbstruck when she told me what firm her first attorney came from: not a firm related to any of my sources, but a prominent, highly regarded law firm. She hired a founding partner. My go-to suggestions for hiring an attorney had previously been to:

1. Always ask for personal referrals.

2. Interview several so you can see who truly gets your case.

3. Try to hire the best your money can buy. An inexpensive lawyer might cost more than one whose hourly rate is higher. Why? The good ones know they can get their price, whatever it may be. They're apt to see right through whatever's going on. They can wrap it up quickly.

Now, I realize there was a big crack in Commandment Number 3 - to hire the best your money can buy. Alice did. It got her no further than the second two, lesser known, attorneys that followed. (Well, if Attorney #1 had managed her case well, Attorneys #2 and #3 wouldn't have been necessary.) So what was I to tell the person who has actually hired the best lawyer money can buy, and is crushed her careful choice hasn't done well by her?

What do I say now?

Here are my revised suggestions, with rose-colored glasses toned down to a cool amber. (I am not a lawyer, nor a legal professional. I'm a journalist who has specialized in crime and legal matters. And I'm someone whose choice of a lawyer was one of the most critical decisions of my life.)

1. Get recommendations from friends and associates

Put out the word that you need a good lawyer, and fast. Your religious and social communities are good sources too. Look for track records. It's best if there's a personal connection somewhere; the attorney has more to answer for.

2. Interview several

, or as many as you need to, to strike the right chord. Two of the attorneys who were recommended to me by people I knew were not the right fit. One didn't get it - my case was already too complicated. The other was going to be out of commission for two weeks because of a surgery. Next. I went to the one recommended in the first place, by my closest friend. He immediately knew what was up, charged a comparatively high retainer, and had my divorce granted in two and a half months. Maybe he wanted to go on vacation. But he also knew the stakes were high, and that the funny stuff had to stop. Too many attorneys let their most beleaguered clients twist in the wind indefinitely.

3. Check Yelp

Read reviews. Make sure to post reviews when an attorney does or does not work out. This helps keep these attorneys in check.

4. Georgia has a "Top 100" list of attorneys

They're ranked on track record, reputation, and good will. So anyone whose state has such a list can consult it - but realize it's just a go-to list. Certainly there will be many excellent lawyers who don't make the list. However, realize it's best when your attorney knows the judges and is at home in the local legal community.

5. You might not get what you pay for

Realize a longtime divorce lawyer who heads up a large firm will likely rely heavily on associates. Likewise, realize a self-employed attorney will have limited time for your case. You'll need to ask the former how much time he or she has to devote to your case (maybe you'll want a junior partner instead). Ask the latter if he or she can handle the extra workload your case will require, especially if it's complicated.

5. Trust your personal wisdom and good sense

If I'd gone on recommendation alone, I'd have hired that first attorney who was perfectly adequate for my friends, but who would have been over her head given my buffet of problems.

So - is lawyer-hiring a science? No. Is there some luck involved? Yes. But, even in games that depend partly on chance, knowing what you are doing can do an awful lot to nudge chance in the right direction.

The post Find the divorce lawyer that is right for you appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
What a mom does https://www.familytoday.com/family/what-a-mom-does/ Fri, 19 Apr 2013 08:27:23 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/what-a-mom-does/ Moms are a vital part of the family. They contribute in ways both large and small. Many children are being…

The post What a mom does appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
When I was growing up, I studied piano. Whenever I got in trouble, I'd go to the piano and play this very sad song, Rock Me To Sleep, from the Laura Ingalls Wilder Songbook. It was my go-to song to make my mother feel misty and guilty that she fussed at me for making hot chocolate in her Mr. Coffee - again.

It goes like this:

Backward, turn backward, O Time, in your flight,

Make me a child again just for tonight!

Mother, come back from the echo less shore,

Take me again to your heart as of yore;

Kiss from my forehead the furrows of care,

Smooth the few silver threads out of my hair;

Over my slumbers your loving watch keep;-

Rock me to sleep, mother - rock me to sleep!

I can't play it now. It makes me too sad. Lately, it makes me wonder what happened to society so that doing without mama - even banishing mama - is so simple and practical that it's as easy as taking her to court, proving her unfit to do what she was born to do, and convincing a judge and jury that the children and the larger family will be far better off with her out of the way.

Kids need their moms

So I'm writing about what a mom does. First, I will state for the record that my husband can out-delight me with his games and antics with the children, and he can out cook me too. I never worry for a second when I leave the house for even an extended time because he's got it all under control. He is as good with children as anyone I've ever seen.

But here is what a Mom does

Moms have an edge on patience

We teach our kids to count as we painstakingly cut up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches until we've ended up with 16 pieces. We play Toddler Radio in the car when we're DYING to listen to The Shins or Sheryl Crow or Metallica or whatever we prefer, because we're never in the car alone.

Moms give children experiences

We take children to library story time, we take little boys to the ballet and expect them to appreciate it, and we take little ones to the museum when they have no clue what they're looking at. We take books everywhere, so that even in a pediatric waiting room, the kids would rather read the favorites we brought rather than handle the dog-eared commercial books on hand or even watch the TV.

Moms look out for children

We nag older kids to wrap up or at least wear sleeves, for heaven's sake. IT'S 45 DEGREES OUT and it won't get any warmer until noon! We chase them down at the bus stop with a forgotten lunch. We've been known to drive to the school with forgotten lunches we sheepishly deposit at the front desk (so we won't embarrass the fool out of them by appearing at their homeroom door). Lunch-stalkers? Yeah, probably. We just don't want them to be hungry, is all.

Moms teach vital skills

We plunk errant kids down at the computer to do math drills until they've got it mastered. Many husbands say, "Let him flunk the test and get really scared when he faces summer school." Dads know the male mind. But we say, "Let's not resort to scare tactics that would work extraordinarily well. He really needs to know his math, and to feel some mastery of it." Dad shrugs and walks away while our kid tries to sneak off as we scour the Internet for math drill sites.

Moms counsel children

We devise clever ways to trick our teens into spilling their guts. Maybe we'll play a few lives of that too-violent video game Dad got them and while we're having fun and they're focused in the way males tend to be when they have something on their mind, they tell us.

Moms tell stories

Often we tell stories about how we grew up and what we did. Yesterday when my little girl pulled on the mini-shopping cart, we were rolling around the frozen foods section, it toppled over and so did she. It didn't hurt her, but she remained in a frozen ball of mortification for several minutes. When she finally let me pick her up, her face was as red as I've ever seen it and her eyes brimmed over with tears. I held her a moment and then said, "Susu, you know what Mommy did when she was a little girl? She drove one of those big huge shopping carts into a freestanding aisle of wine and crashed the whole thing to pieces." She laughed and we went over to the bakery to get a cookie.

These things are probably universal to most moms. We are eerily alike. We nurture. We think, we ponder, and we empathize. We over-empathize. We over-react. We kiss it and make it better. We make scary things funny. We worry about silly lullaby lyrics when we suddenly realize we're singing about a baby that falls out of a tree IN HIS CRADLE.

It's all about a mother's essence - to make things OK. Our lives are spent making things OK and worrying If they're not. More than that, we worry that they might not be OK. We want to reassure our children that no matter what they do, and no matter how big they get, they'll have the memory of their mother's arms, where they will always be safe and loved.

Many family courts, fathers' groups and lawyers, not only strive toward A Nation of Motherless Children, but deprive their children of the lifetime memories of what their mothers did for them and how much they love them. Don't they remember being rocked to sleep?

Motherhood is a sacred responsibility. Motherhood needs to be protected. Mothers need to support each other. The next time you hear a mother described as unfit because of a divorce, take it with a grain of salt. Kids need good moms.

The post What a mom does appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
How to shop for a divorce lawyer https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/how-to-shop-for-a-divorce-lawyer/ Sun, 31 Mar 2013 04:00:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/how-to-shop-for-a-divorce-lawyer/ There are two approaches to modern divorce: litigation and negotiation. The litigation approach produces an outcome of one winner and…

The post How to shop for a divorce lawyer appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>

When I was shopping for a divorce attorney, I was already on the receiving end of much divorce gamesmanship. In short, this wasn't leisurely, thoughtful mall-style shopping. This was a smash-and-grab at the Rite Aid.

From my backyard office - the only place I could talk out of earshot - I desperately secured the attorney who yanked me out from the 8-ball I'd trembled behind since my husband began employing brutal tactics to set me up. Not only did my attorney deflect the nasty gamesmanship, he negotiated a fair outcome in an astonishing two and a half months. After hearing dozens of terrifying stories from people who were victimized and couldn't recover, I began to see Bruce as a legal miracle.

Litigate or collaborate

There are two approaches to modern divorce: litigation and negotiation. The hardline litigation approach produces an outcome of one winner and one loser while the negotiation, or collaborative method, strives for a win-win.

Yet, Bruce seemed to fall somewhere in between. He aimed to mediate, but the forces against us were formidable. He knew how to step it up, call the other counsel on her game-playing, and swiftly put a stop to it.

So I dialed up my go-to divorce lawyer source, Randall M. Kessler, 2011-2012 Chair of the Family Law Section of the American Bar Association and founder of Kessler & Solomiany of Atlanta. I asked him what lawyers do when they face divorce. Surely there was some magic in it so I could help others find expert counsel without fortuitously stumbling on it as I did.

Alas, Kessler says, lawyers are as emotional and confused going through divorce as the rest of us. But following wise advice and finding like-minded counsel can provide the best results.

Avoid court

Your first goal is to avoid court. You do not want counsel who is afraid to litigate, but, "very few people are happy they went to court," Kessler says. An enormous mistake many divorcing spouses make, and which some attorneys exploit by not setting them straight, is they think the judge needs to hear all the evidence they've gathered against the spouse, and the minute details of the personal situation, how the spouse has been wronged, etcetera. "The judge will not care about all the inside information you're harboring," Kessler says. "This is not about that. It's about solving a problem. How do two households live on the same funds as the original one?"

Educate yourself

The more you know the facts about your household and how the divorce system works, the more successful your mediation will be. In any divorce, "There's a risk you'll be taken advantage of, and the main thing is to make sure you have all the information," Kessler says. "Get the facts. How much money is there? Where is it? What is there to divide?"

You must have some idea of the laws in your state. "Educate yourself about what the divorce legal system looks like from the inside. Find the child support guidelines online. Find out how property is divided in your state."

What do you think is fair? "Nine times out of 10, it's going to be a close approximation," Kessler says. "Generally, this is very common-sensical. When you're being objective, you can see all the reasonable possibilities."

Focus on peaceful settlement

Putting emotions aside is a tricky proposition in the throes of any divorce, but getting the specifics down is the key. A parallel exercise Kessler recommends is to, "step outside of your shoes and pretend it's a friend's divorce."

A central problem in most divorces is to figure out how children will spend quality time with both parents. "Solve that problem, solve the financial situation. It doesn't help to draw it out."

People will be people

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, realize people are people, and appeal to their human nature. "One thing that I always try to convey to my clients is that people are less likely to do things because they have to, and more likely to do things because they want to," Kessler says. "You have to ask them, not force them. Make people want to do things. Litigation makes them have to do it. Mediation makes them want to do it. Wouldn't you rather face something that you want to do, rather than something you have to do?"

This is what I experienced as we abandoned the bloody divorce battleground and set about following a constructive road map for the future. I am convinced the quality of my attorney more than helped create the possibilities my ex and I drew on to be successful co-parents. But keep the above in mind when lawyer-shopping, and you stand the best chance of satisfaction with your purchase.

The post How to shop for a divorce lawyer appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>