Pamela Layton McMurtry – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com Here today, better tomorrow. Wed, 12 Jun 2019 14:16:39 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.8.3 https://wp-media.familytoday.com/2020/03/favicon.ico Pamela Layton McMurtry – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com 32 32 10 signs your best friend is an amazing human https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/10-signs-your-best-friend-is-an-amazing-human/ Tue, 27 Jun 2017 04:07:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/10-signs-your-best-friend-is-an-amazing-human/ You think your best friend is a priceless treasure - but here's the proof.

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Friends are the glue that help hold together a healthy and happy life. According to the Mayo Clinic, "...Good friends are good for your health. Friends can help you celebrate good times and give support during bad times. Friends prevent loneliness and give you a chance to offer needed companionship, too."

Here are 10 signs your bestie is an amazing person:

You can tell them anything

From keeping confidences to "having our backs," besties are, well, the best.

Social worker Kimberly Hershenson advises, "Be trustworthy - when told something in confidence, do not share the information with anyone, even your partner. It is difficult to be vulnerable and share problems with others. When a friend is able to open up to you it is important to not break their trust."

They'll tell you what you need to hear

Dr. Gay Lynn Pendleton says, "Others may not tell you what you need to hear, but a friend will be there to tell you." A true friend isn't afraid to tell you - lovingly - how it is.

They're there for you

For Antonella Pisani, " ...a best friend is someone you want to support and push to be the best version of themselves. You see things that they don't and want nothing more than for them to be extremely happy."

They talk to you

Marriage therapist Melissa Divaris Thompson shares, " They answer the phone even if they don't have time to talk just to see if all is okay and then tell you they have to run."

Your relationship is important to them

Christy Nielsen states, "Make time and make the friendship a priority. Whether it's a quick coffee date with a local friend, a leisurely phone call with a long-distance one, or an annual meet-up with your besties, there is simply nothing that can take the place of really being there for your friends. It's not always easy with family commitments, jobs, and life in general, but a friendship is a living thing that needs to be cultivated or it will die ... In a similar vein, be at the big stuff. Weddings, births, deaths and divorces. They often aren't convenient or inexpensive, but they are important. Just be there."

They love you for who you are

"My best of friends know exactly who I am. They know my faults, they know the things I am not proud of and I have found that they haven't judged me in those moments. They remind me of who I am and they help me be a better person in the world..." shares therapist Melissa Divaris Thompson.

They'll take responsibility

Kimberly Hershon contributes, "Be accountable - if you say or do something wrong, apologize. If your friend is upset with you talk it out without getting defensive. Acknowledge what your part was (even if it was simply upsetting your friend) and discuss what you could do differently in the future."

They respect your time and needs

To Kim Anderson, a friend is, "Someone who respects your time. There are times when I cannot socialize or talk, just too busy. A good friend respects and understands that."

Parenting Coach Elaine Taylor-Klaus adds, "A friend...understands what is going on for you in your life, and doesn't add to your stress by adding her "neediness" to your other pressing issues. That does not mean that a friend doesn't ask for and expect support...A true friend is aware of what's on your plate, doesn't ask for more than you can reasonably give, and does not take it personally when you're not able to be as good a friend as you'd like sometimes."

They'll always listen and speak when necessary

Christy Nielsen counsels, "Listen more than you talk. We go through a lot of stuff... and we're really just figuring it out as we go along. I appreciate that my true friends really listen to me when I'm working through an issue. They're willing to give advice if I really need it, but often we just need to say something out loud - we already know the answer!"

They honor the relationship

Pastor Chris Smith says, "A friendship must be cherished and respected ... The longer I live ... I realize that true friends are precious and should not be taken for granted ... true friendships are a blessing and should be treated as such ... true friendships represent love and that love should be honored. I realize that true friendship is a beautiful thing ..."

Melodie Cohn of Montreal wisely sums up friendshp by saying, "Friendship is the ultimate life skills test."

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These 2 simple things help ensure your relationship will last https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/these-2-simple-things-help-ensure-your-relationship-will-last/ Tue, 23 Feb 2016 06:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/these-2-simple-things-help-ensure-your-relationship-will-last/ Try these scientifically proven ways to make your love last.

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In her "Atlantic" article "Masters of Love," author Emily Esfahani Smith shares the science-based secrets to creating long-lasting, fulfilling relationships; and the answer is simple: kindness and generosity.

Smith shares what researchers have discovered; and not surprisingly these attributes carry over into all aspects of life; from school and work to neighborhood and church.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman studied thousands of couples over several decades. They categorized them into two groups — the "masters" and the "disasters." Their findings were that small but significant kindnesses created an aesthetic of reciprocal caring. When one of the "masters" partners made a "request for connection" their partner validated it by positively responding or interacting. The example used was the husband, seeing a bird and saying to his wife, "Look at that bird," was asking for a connection with her in the hope that she would support him by being interested or affirming his interest. When she chooses to "turn toward" his request instead of "turning away," it increased the trust and intimacy of the relationship. The masters had the habit of turning toward one another's requests. The disasters ignored the requests or responded minimally by continuing to do whatever they were engaged in — texting, reading the paper, etc., or by responding with a hostile, "Don't bother me; I'm busy."

The "disaster" couples showed the physical and emotional signs of "fight or flight." Their bodies and minds were prepared for an attack or retreat rather than a positive interaction. And the corresponding statistics were astounding; the master couples "turned toward" the other's requests 87 percent of the time and were still married after six years. The unfortunate disasters only responded positively 33 percent of the time.

The Gottmans predict marital success by observing what spirit the couples bring to the relationship: the successful generosity and kindness, or the hostility, criticism and contempt that poison relationships.

They described a critically important talent of scanning a relationship environment and partner for signs of what they are doing right, and not for reasons to criticize. The masters found ways to respect the partner and show appreciation. In unhealthy relationships, the responses included ignoring the positives and giving a "cold shoulder" or responding minimally, making the partner feel unvalued, worthless or invisible. Not only does the love die in these disaster relationships, but so does physical well-being; those involved often fall ill to viruses and cancer.

Kindness breathes love and health into a relationship. Some people are intrinsically kind, while others have to work at it. The kindness that acts as a glue for bonding people together can be thought of as a muscle; the more you exercise it, the stronger a trait it becomes in you. But kindness does not mean that you are not honest in your communications. Expressing disappointment or hurt does not create a negative environment when you choose to explain why you are hurt or angry, instead of launching an attack. Dr. John Gottman said, "A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it's executed poorly. So appreciate the intent."

Another invaluable trait is the ability to share and rejoice in the positives in each other's lives. Psychological researcher Shelly Gable found that partners (and this is applicable to any human interaction) respond generally in four ways.

In the article, Smith illustrated the responses by describing one partner receiving excellent news; she was admitted to her top choice for medical school. The partner then has multiple choices of responses:

A passive destructive response would be to ignore the event, and maybe share his own triumph, as is sometimes experienced with highly competitive people.

Active destructive responses are the most damaging responses, as they diminish the other's success. For example, he would ask if she could really handle all of the studying medical school entails, or comment on how expensive it is.

Or he may give a passive constructive response: "That's great, honey," as he continues to text his friend on the phone.

Ideally, the interaction will be active constructive. He will stop what he is doing, give his full attention, offer sincere congratulations, sharing the joy and engaging in meaningful questions about the event. This shows kindness and increases the quality and healthy intimacy of the relationship. Gable and her colleagues found that the only difference between the couples who were still together and the ones who had broken up was the presence of active constructive responses.

Smith concludes that the stresses and distractions of life — from children to career, illnesses, finances, friends, etc. — and the breakdown of kindness can tear couples apart. If the levels of satisfaction begin to drop in a marriage or other relationship, the spirit of kindness and generosity continues to guide a couple toward continuity and success.

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8 ways to help your kids like each other https://www.familytoday.com/family/8-ways-to-help-your-kids-like-each-other/ Fri, 06 Nov 2015 16:24:39 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/8-ways-to-help-your-kids-like-each-other/ Don't you just wish you had received a magic wand when you became a mother? Here are A-list top parenting…

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Oh, if only we had a vial of fairy dust to sprinkle on our children's breakfast cereal to invoke marvelous moods, happy faces and good manners.

With these simple tips, however, those things may not be too far out of reach.

1. Eliminate competition and promote cooperation between siblings

Realize that each child is unique with different talents, abilities, strengths and shortcomings; comparing them to each other can cause resentment and problems, according to Dr. Avidan Milevsky, author of "Sibling Relationships in Childhood and Adolescence: Predictors and Outcomes." Parents need to take on the roles of coaches, not referees.

2. Go to each other's sporting events, concerts and recitals

And then go out for a treat. A family is the ultimate team with emotional and physical bonds that transcend seasons and include benefits that can last forever. Celebrate each other's successes. You might even commemorate National Siblings Day on April 10th in the U.S.

3. Teach your children to value the person and be loyal to the relationship

Siblings can be life-long friends. Show your children through your actions how to respond positively to one another and to enjoy one another's company while they are in each other's daily life now; that may not always be the case. You may lose track of friends, but you will always know where your brothers and sisters are. To give ideas of how to create sibling loyalty, read stories and watch movies that show strong connections.

4. Teach them the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you

Even better, try the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have done unto them; in other words, give them what they would want, not what you want to give them.

5. Model kind and generous behaviors

An article by Emily Esfahani Smith discussed a study on long-term happiness and relationships by the Gottman Institue. Although it was about marriage, the findings apply to other relationships as well. Long-term relationships and happiness are achieved with mutual kindness and generosity.

6. Be grateful

Show your children how to appreciate and value their experiences, relationships and health, and even challenges and hardships, which can promote growth and help them to develop empathy. Having a grateful attitude helps cut down an entitlement mentality and jealousy, and creates the possibility of an environment of helpful service.

7. Teach forgiveness

We all mess up and fall short from time to time. Let's learn to forgive and help each other recover from the dings and bruises we all receive as we experience life's lessons.

8. Set goals of family unity and expect excellence

There is no harm in reaching for the stars.

These tips will help your family achieve greater happiness and build skills that will help your children succeed in their future marriages and in life. After all, they'll only be home for 157,680 hours.

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A Halloween party for young children https://www.familytoday.com/family/a-halloween-party-for-young-children/ Thu, 09 Oct 2014 18:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/a-halloween-party-for-young-children/ For young children who don't distinguish reality from fantasy, Halloween can be scary. Here's how to create entertaining events for…

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A British mother once asked me how to celebrate Halloween without witches and creepsters that frightened her little child. I suggested switching the iconic witch with Mother Goose who has been entertaining children for centuries. Why include witches, monsters and "things that go bump in the night" when you can have fun with friendly and familiar faces that don't scare your little ones?

Planning

Plan a party incorporating nursery rhymes, storybook classics and other items that appeal to your children. Do your children like pumpkins, friendly scarecrows, black kitties and classics like Winnie-the-Pooh? Their interests can become the party theme. Plan the party time when children are typically awake and energetic, and be sure to inquire about guests' food allergies or sensitivities.

Invitations

Photograph your child, a few favorite toys or simple Halloween props, or download a vintage copyright-free image. You could even try having your child draw a picture for the invitation. Invite parents to stay and have fun too.

Decor

Raid the toy box for Teddy bears, rag dolls and stuffed toys. Add pumpkins and fall leaves and tie on Halloween ribbons. Arrange a themed centerpiece with a pumpkin, a lantern and favorite toys. Instead of fog, try a bubble machine and use light sticks or battery operated tea light candles instead of open flames.

Menu

The ages and tastes of the children will help determine refreshments. My little granddaughter loves hot dogs, so that's what we are serving. Our side dishes will be orange and black: baby carrots, black olives (OK to put on fingertips for this party), cheese puffs, and tangerines with jack-o-lantern faces. Consider real fruit juice with dry ice in the serving bowl to make fog and bubbles. Prepare refreshments ahead of party time and refrigerate, or keep warm foods in a crock pot.

While the children eat, read nursery rhymes or story books that go with your theme. These classic nursery rhymes are Halloween-ish: Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater, Jack Be Nimble, Boys and Girls Come Out To Play, Pussy-cat and Queen, Hey Diddle-Diddle, Little Miss Muffet, Eensy Weensy Spider, etc.

Activities

Stories and activities should be brief and changed frequently. Finger plays and songs are popular with young crowds.

  • Play soft, happy music.

  • Toss bean bags at stuffed animals or into Halloween-themed containers.

  • Decorate a piece of pegboard and place lollipops in every few holes. Have children toss glow-in-the-dark bracelets onto a lollipop and let them keep both.

  • Invite guests to draw Halloween characters and color on a paper mural or tablecloth. Use a heavy disposable tablecloth or large roll of paper with crayons or washable markers.

  • Trace outlines of the children on large pieces of paper. Let them color their giant paper doll selves in their Halloween costumes. Sing "What will you be for Halloween?"

  • "5 Little Pumpkins Sitting on a Gate" finger play: Make five little felt pumpkins for your fingers or give party guests paper cut-outs of a pumpkin to color before taping to a wooden stick. Line up the party-goers and show them how to hold up five fingers as you say the poem together.

  • Fairy Treasure Hunt: Make a simple treasure hunt in the yard with five-six clues that lead to a fairy house (a real or foam pumpkin decorated to look like a fairy cottage or a Halloween doll house). Have treats or prizes: bubbles, small packets of candy corn or bags of goblin gorp.

  • "Going Trick-or-Treating" (Like "Going on a Bear Hunt," instead saying, "We're going trick-or-treating"): Go down the lane (slap hands on thighs to make walking sounds), through the field (brush hands together), knock on the door (make knocking sounds), ask "Who's there?" (Let a child pick whether a pirate, princess, bear, etc. answers the door), say "Trick-or-treat!" (Have the children hold out their arms), ask "What did we get?" (Let a child name a treat), say "Thank you!" (Have children say thank you before "going to another house"). Repeat as often as you wish. Then reverse and go home, through the field, down the lane, etc.

At the end of the party, give your guests a hug and a favor bag and send them home for a nap - you'll probably need one too!

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The open road beckons: Healthy and happy snacks and diversions for your summer road trips https://www.familytoday.com/family/the-open-road-beckons-healthy-and-happy-snacks-and-diversions-for-your-summer-road-trips/ Thu, 29 May 2014 12:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/the-open-road-beckons-healthy-and-happy-snacks-and-diversions-for-your-summer-road-trips/ Stay healthy and happy on your summer road trip with these delicious snacks, easy-to-pack meals and low-cost entertainment.

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Come away, come away, come away with me!

As summer breezes begin to blow, the temptation to embark on an adventure becomes almost irresistible (do you remember the Wind in the Willows?) Here is a menu to fuel the energy of your wanderlust and set you on a course for a wunderbar journey. (Approved by my Registered Dietitian and Certified Diabetic Educator husband.)

Healthy and happy foods make for good traveling companions. If you eat mostly healthy food, you'll feel better and will probably consume fewer calories than if you eat a lot of junk food. The cold things need to be in a cooler with ice and the rest can be packed in a cute container with compartments or in a basket that's easy to get to. A friend always puts her veggies in mason jars with ice water. Don't forget paper towels, wet wipes or wet washcloths in bags and a trash bag.

Tip: My sister-in-law makes her husband stop once a day for a sit-down meal on long road trips. I like to pack a portable propane grill or chef's single burner, a pot, spoon, disposable paper plates and bowls. You can heat up soup, and add a packaged salad or cook a simple meal, even oatmeal or eggs for breakfast.

When you are trying to make good time on the road, here are some of our favorite snacks to pack for the journey.

Drinks

A cooler filled with ice and drinks will be your best friend on the road. Consider forgoing the usual sodas (sticky) and try some of these suggestions:

Water and fruit-infused water in bottles (strawberry, orange, lemon, cucumber, etc.)

Sometimes you need caffeinated soda for drowsiness. It can also be diluted half and half with water so it's not so sweet, or try the diet variety.

Fruit juices and nectars

V8 and vegetable juices

(Vernor's) ginger ale for motion sickness

Bring straws.

Snacks

A cramped car is the last place you want to jam a bunch of sugar-filled children. Give the traditional candy and chocolate bars a break on this trip and pack some of these items instead.

Mixed nuts

String cheese

Whole grain crackers

Popcorn

Trail Mix: I don't like raisins and sticky foods in the car, but we do have a great dry trail mix made with mixed nuts, M&Ms, whole grain cereal and candy corn.

Confession: I like adding oat and marshmallow cereal (Lucky Charms), but you could make it healthier with whole grain oat or wheat cereal. Pack it in bags or keep it in a large container and scoop out small paper cupfuls to pass around:

2 C plain M & Ms (about a pound)

5 C mixed nuts or peanuts

1 1/2 C candy corn

4 C cereal

Beef jerky

Olives

Fresh fruits: grapes, apples, bananas and cut up melon for older and neater eaters

Fresh veggies: carrots, jicama, cucumber, grape tomatoes, celery, broccoli, peppers

Sandwiches, wraps and pinwheels (tortilla rolls with cream cheese, meat, tomato slices and lettuce)

Whole grain bagels and cream cheese

When you know the trip will be long, don't waste time stopping numerous times for food. Instead, why not consider packing a loaf of whole wheat bread and jars of peanut butter, honey or jelly (and a spreader). It's a money-saver as well as a time saver on the road. You may also offer your hungry passengers these items:

Yogurt in tubes

Bar cookies are usually thicker and more stable than round ones

Homemade granola bars

More travel tips:

Pack a Frisbee or football for quick and stretching workouts at rest stops. Be sure to find a safe place to play.

Bring something soft and fuzzy like a stuffed toy or blankie for young travelers. Stroking something soft helps relieve stress. (The cat probably would rather be left at home.)

Pack some sunscreen in the car for stops and sightseeing.

Paint the back of a wooden tray with chalkboard paint and pack some chalk and a rag. If you don't want crayons and markers in the car, the kids can still draw and play games and the tray can be used for snacks and a play surface.

Busy books, paper dolls, toy cars and dinosaurs and simple travel games can be wonderful. You can get ideas and free templates on social media sites.

Incentives: have a container of money in the car labeled with a list of forbidden actions like name-calling, whining, hitting, etc. If the kids get out of line, take out some of the money. Give them what is left for souvenirs and special treats.

Buy a donut-shaped travel pillow for each passenger. They are heavenly for a quick snooze without waking up with a stiff neck.

Check out a few well-written audio books from the library. You may tire of the constant interaction, conversation and "togetherness." Put on a good story and relax; better yet, find a series. Listening makes the time pass faster, too. To keep the happiness meter up, we love good comedies by Dave Barry and Bill Cosby. Do your older children have books they need to read for school? You can knock out a reading assignment and have an interesting discussion to boot.

You don't have to leave your happy, healthy lifestyle on the side of the road. With a little preparation ahead of time, your family trip can be just as pleasant along the way as the anticipated destination.

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Prepare to be prepared: The wisdom of a nursery rhyme with five little piggies https://www.familytoday.com/self-care/prepare-to-be-prepared-the-wisdom-of-a-nursery-rhyme-with-five-little-piggies/ Sun, 18 May 2014 12:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/prepare-to-be-prepared-the-wisdom-of-a-nursery-rhyme-with-five-little-piggies/ If you couldn't get the food and things your family needs from the store because commerce was disrupted by weather,…

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How prepared are you to face an emergency?

There are many options for obtaining and storing emergency food rations. My family uses some of our tax refund to purchase food to help us avoid pinching the budget. Others give food storage and survival items as gifts or use money from a vacation budget and enjoy a staycation. Another way to make your dollar stretch is to check the clearance aisle at the grocery store and buy day-old bread which freezes well.

Please don't expect to be fed by government or charitable agencies, their resources will be stretched to the limit. Wouldn't your family prefer foods they are accustomed to anyway? If you choose to utilize your resources and invest in preparedness, you do not need to worry or feel like you are taking away from others; actually your self-reliance reduces the burden on other groups. In a time of need, you will be in more of a position to help relieve the suffering of others, starting with those you value most. Remember, "The Lord helps those who help themselves."

Let's consider the wisdom of a centuries-old nursery rhyme as we learn about being prepared.

"This little piggy went to market"

One expert likes freeze-dried foods for the quality and shelf life. Many of us eat predominantly fresh foods such as produce, which doesn't store well long term. Freeze-dried foods provide a reasonably similar option, are light weight and portable if you need to relocate. Many manufacturers offer selections of hundreds of servings of produce, meats, dairy and basic foods.

Some families choose military-style MREs (meals ready to eat) because they keep for a long time, are convenient, lightweight, nutritious and portable. Others use bulk food purchases to keep costs low. You can discover hacks like easily sprouting seeds for fresh vegetables and using dried fruits on the website below and social media sites. And let's not forget adequate water; at least two gallons per person per day to stay alive and somewhat clean.

"This little piggy stayed home"

Did you know that you can freeze-dry foods yourself? Also, vacuum pouching foods for long-term storage is a good alternative. Chocolate chips will supposedly last for 11 years, unfortunately none of ours have stayed around long enough to test that. We found that shipped vacuum-pouched chocolate chip cookies and homemade treats arrived fresh and delicious for deployed soldier and missionary sons. During difficult times, it is nice to have some of the comforts you are accustomed to.

And what if fuel supplies are cut off? My son experienced the aftermath of tornadoes in the south. Natural gas lines were severed and other power was unavailable. We had hurricane-force winds knock out our power one December. On the drive to work the next day, we passed 16 overturned semis on the freeway. I have never been so cold in my life. We were not as prepared as our neighbors who had emergency generators to run heating systems. We did have lanterns and candles to provide light at night and were able to enjoy hot meals using our camp stove until the power was restored several days later.

"This little piggy had roast beef"

One of our neighbors is a canning expert. When she finds special prices on meats, she buys them in bulk and cans them in a pressure canner. She says that meats are one of the easiest foods to process and when purchased on sale, not terribly expensive. We don't eat a lot of meat, but it will be nice to have a little bit now and then as an ingredient in soups and casserole-type dishes. She also cans butter in a water bath process and maintains that after three years, hers is still fresh and tasty. Of course you would need butter for those chocolate chip cookies.

"This little piggy had none"

You CAN go from zero to hero with preparation. One friend shared a method of planning 10 dinners, breakfasts and lunches that her family likes. She multiplied the ingredients by 10, then purchased and stored each meal in a bag with cooking instructions. Voila - three months' worth of complete meals! She knows she has the necessary ingredients, spices and everything to feed her family for 100 days with her food storage and fuel. This is also good if you experience unemployment, have a sick child or get stranded and can't get to the market for some reason. You will need to use and rotate these meals every so often to maintain freshness, but they are things your family likes, so it shouldn't be too hard.

Another hack I like, is making and freezing homemade soups and casseroles. You can double or triple a recipe (or more) and make a lot of food at once for about the same amount of time and only one mess. This is a good idea for singles, small families, empty-nesters and busy people who don't want to cook every day but still want variety.

"And this little piggy cried "wee, wee, wee all the way home."

Don't cry. There are lots of things you can do to be prepared. Check your local government website for other important instructions, including 72-hour kits, survival supplies and collecting important papers and documents. My husband works in a hospital that is telling their employees to have 96-hour survival supplies and a first aid kit at home and in the car. Here is another source for intelligent planning and preparedness.

The more you can do for yourself, the less you will have to worry about facing long lines, food and supply shortages, hunger and distress. And you may just be able to be a hero to others who are not so fortunate. Remember, when Noah built the ark it wasn't raining.

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How to help kids who are afraid of Halloween https://www.familytoday.com/family/how-to-help-kids-who-are-afraid-of-halloween/ Mon, 17 Mar 2014 16:38:03 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/how-to-help-kids-who-are-afraid-of-halloween/ Halloween is a holiday filled with contrasts: there's the whimsical, candy-infused fantasy celebration and the dark, foreboding, creepy side. Here…

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Halloween; there doesn't appear to be much of a middle ground. It seems people either love it or despise it. Young children may feel especially vulnerable as a barrage of images of scary monsters, creeping zombies and horrific creatures suddenly appear. There are steps parents can take to help reduce the anxiety and stress that young and sensitive children may experience at Halloween.

1. Reality vs fantasy

Realize that young children can't distinguish between reality and fantasy until they are between the ages of 3 and 5, according to research at The University of Texas at Austin. They are constantly exposed to "new information through conversations, books and the media." Jacqueline Woolley, a psychology professor at the university, headed research that found that children by age 4 learn to distinguish between fact and fiction by the context in which new information is presented.

Parents can reduce fear in kids by avoiding scary or gory movies or television shows. There are plenty of child-friendly shows such as mild Halloween-themed cartoons for the young ones and suspenseful but-not-evil ones for older children. Be aware that many children are exposed to negative media at a friend's or neighbor's house. It is a good idea to have a plan for a child to gracefully bow out of an uncomfortable situation by giving them permission to leave and a good excuse to always have handy.

2. Curate your family's Halloween experience

Decorate with bright oranges, yellows and other friendly colors. If you want a dopamine "kick," skip the adrenaline rush of the macabre and look for humor or novelty by substituting more wholesome themes. A few easy and popular ones include incorporating cheerful harvest icons such as grinning Jack-o-lanterns, scarecrows and farm favorites like apples and corn, or fall forest themes like squirrels, owls and acorns. If you like the castle idea, make it a cheery medieval castle with lots of candles and glow-in-the-dark items and fun "magical" accoutrements. Other fun themes include candy land (sorry dentists), a high-tide Halloween, Halloween has gone to the dogs or a magical forest. Take a favorite family book or theme and add pumpkins and cheery autumn decor and watch the magic take place.

3. Avoid the macabre

Don't take your children to "haunted" houses, costume stores with gruesome props or theme parks that provide more scare than your child wants or needs. You might choose to host a Halloween carnival with a positive theme like "come into the pumpkin patch." Our church group hosted Halloween carnivals for years for about 200 children on a $200 budget. The genius idea (not mine) was to rent a bounce house and have families donate candy and small toys for prizes. We bought harvest decor just before Christmas at 90 percent off and invited volunteers to create and host games and activities.

If your children trick-or-treat, go with them or provide mature guardians to accompany them.

4. Find child-friendly alternatives

The French observe an autumn holiday called La Toussaint to honor their departed ancestors. You might follow their tradition by visiting a graveyard (during the day) where family members are interred. Tidy the plots, take flowers, tell stories about departed loved ones and make it a positive, even sacred experience. Then, follow the French tradition of returning home for a warm and happy harvest dinner and games.

5. Remove witches and scary creatures from your decor

Let children know that the only power curses, spells and hexes have over them is what they allow. Remind children that monsters are make-believe. You might switch out witches for Mother Goose and her charming tales. Keep communications open; don't mock their concerns, but explain where traditions come from and be willing to choose the ones that best fit your children.

Autumn can be a lovely time of fun and fantasy when you enjoy the beauty of the changing leaves, visit a pumpkin patch, make or buy costumes and discover child-friendly activities and decor. As you enjoy the creativity and whimsy of fall you will be giving your children enrichment and traditions with memories to light their lives.

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Ghoulishly great tips for celebrating Halloween https://www.familytoday.com/living/ghoulishly-great-tips-for-celebrating-halloween/ Mon, 28 Oct 2013 19:52:09 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/ghoulishly-great-tips-for-celebrating-halloween/ Halloween is a time when you can dress up, act out, be silly and cavort. In other words, your inner…

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All the world's a stage on Halloween. A peek into the night reveals all manner of costumed characters in a fantasy world filled with candy, whimsical decorations and lights; a child's dream. So how do you outfit your family, decorate your castle and participate in the goings-on while keeping your budget based firmly in reality?

Here are a few ideas.

1. Keep the traditions simple

You probably have traditions that are fun and meaningful to your family. Growing pumpkins or visiting a pumpkin patch to pick that special one, watching a favorite movie or reading stories and sharing caramel apples. One tradition that most children agree on is a special Halloween dinner. Now of course you are probably busy dressing children in costumes (and maybe finishing creating that great last-minute idea) and they're excited and not too interested in eating. It needs to be tasty and simple. Our family makes a treat we call "Pizza Petes." They are easy to make with French bread dough, marinara sauce, cheese and everyone's favorite toppings. Or "Stacks," which is taco filling on a bed of tortilla chips or lettuce. Serve vegetables with dip. And, root beer. Perhaps a pumpkin pie cake with whipped cream for dessert. If you like to cook you may save a lot of money by doing-it-yourself. Yummy popcorn balls, cookies, pies and candies like toffee and fudge can be made for about one third the cost of the quality commercially prepared variety. Here are some recipe ideas.

2. Create a scene

I mean, decorate something. Nature is at its finest in the fall. Try incorporating beautiful branches, pumpkins, apples and other colorful items in your decorating. Tie colorful ribbons or fabric scraps to items you already own. Make scrap or leaf garlands to display. Orange lights add warmth and a festive glow to your Halloween decor. Plan ahead by picking up new Halloween items off-season to save money. I once bought $200 worth of Halloween decor and games for the carnival I'd be hosting the next year for $20 on Christmas Eve. Pick up Halloween fabrics for $1 a yard off-season. Or haunt your favorite thrift stores to find unwanted treasures that meet or exceed your aesthetic sensibilities. Sew an autumn quilt. Many families inherit wonderful art made by their schoolchildren during the fall. Why not create a gallery displaying their buddiBuy candles in large quantities from thrift stores.

3. Enjoy an autumn picnic before winter arrives

Head up to the hills or out to the desert or beach and share an afternoon of relaxation, good food, music, games or hiking and exploring. A lot of small towns have festivals, Oktoberfest or other tourist attractions to enjoy. Take your camera and record the beauty of nature while picking up a few leaves and branches to decorate your home for fall.

4. Homemade costumes

Expressive and creative costumes can be made for a fraction of the price that commercial ones command. Fabric stores have sales on patterns and fabrics around the holidays. You can layer tights and long-sleeved tee shirts that can be used later for school or play clothes. Use boots, jewelry and other accessories. Swap with family and friends and check out thrift stores. Online pinning boards offer all kinds of ideas and photos so you can easily find great ideas. Some groups enjoy creating theme costumes such as superheroes, characters from a favorite movie or book. If your family has an interesting heritage, you might want to highlight native or national costumes. You can use sports or a favorite hobby as a theme. Dig through the attic to find a cool old bomber jacket or a uniform worn by a family hero. Old formals make gowns for little princesses. Just make sure your child is visible at night and comfortable.

5. Do something nice

Halloween traditions typically revolve around pranking people. Why not create a new tradition by making and taking treats to shut-ins, your child's teacher, a friend who can use a little cheering up, grandparents, firemen or policemen? Leave your mail carrier a note and a treat. Send goodies to a soldier or someone who is far from home for the holidays. Look around, and you may know someone who is going through a tough time financially. You may want to offer Halloween costumes, treats, decorating items, whatever you can share. Commit a random act of kindness. It may be easier now than it will be during the busy winter holidays.

6. Games and activities

Hosting a party and offering hospitality is a charitable act as one provides diversions that are entertaining and a distraction from the cares of the world. If you are feeling generous, consider organizing a harvest or Halloween carnival for all the children in your church or school. Enlist the help of friends, have lots of games and activities; perhaps a bounce house if the budget allows. Families can donate small toys or bags of candy for prizes. Favorite carnival games include a cake or treat walk, face painting, beanbag toss, mini basketball hoop shoot, cupcake or cookie decorating, candy jar guessing or a fishing booth.

7. Trick-or-treat alternatives

for folks who would prefer to stay close to home. One favorite is a progressive dinner where several homes host a multi-course dinner. At one, appetizers are served. The next home offers a salad. Another home provides an entree and the last home hosts dessert. You can add games, jokes and stories for entertainment.

8. Fall Fireside

Invite family and friends to share their favorite Halloween and fall stories around a campfire or blazing fireplace. Serve simple refreshments.

The longer nights, brilliant colors and the cooler weather of fall invite you to gather your loved ones to enjoy the blessings of the harvest. Have fun, be safe and create happy memories as you celebrate a very happy Halloween

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Smart ‘n healthy lunches for back to school https://www.familytoday.com/self-care/smart-n-healthy-lunches-for-back-to-school/ Wed, 07 Aug 2013 23:55:57 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/smart-n-healthy-lunches-for-back-to-school/ Lunchtime is a bright spot in the school day. A registered dietitian and caterer collaborate on tips for sending children…

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My registered dietitian husband and I, a caterer, have different opinions about school lunches, but there are a few things we agree on. We probably sent more than 15,000 lunches to school while our children were growing up. Here are our favorite tips:

Strive to create a balanced lunch

By including a bread, milk, a fruit or vegetable and protein source. Send personalized kid-size portions.

Use the best bread you can make or buy

Whole wheat works for most children, be sure the label says, "100 percent whole wheat flour." Sandwiches get a bit tiresome after a while, so trade off with bagels, muffins, crackers, bread sticks, tortillas, wraps and other types of bread. The brain burns carbohydrates so feed the brain with a healthy carb source that is absorbed slowly like whole grains and fresh fruit.

Find the right containers

Speaking of sandwiches, if they are squished, some kids won't eat them. You can find little sandwich-sized boxy containers to send them in. If you use perishable sandwich fillings like meat or mayonnaise, be sure to have something cold and an insulated bag to maintain food safety. For room temperature lunches, peanut butter stays safe. Pork and turkey products contain tryptophan which induces sleepiness, you and your child can decide if that is problem. Bagels and light cream cheese, muffins and nut butter, whole grain crackers and cheese, rolled tortilla pinwheels, beans, rice and salsa offer yummy alternatives to a sandwich.

Drinks

Here's where we differ in opinion: I like to freeze 100 percent fruit juices in containers to keep the lunch cold. He says kids don't need the sugar from juice and should have whole fruit instead, which digests slowly and is more nutritious. He has me there. He suggests freezing bottles of water and wrapping them in a paper towel. You decide.

Crudités

(that's caterer language for fruits and veggies). This is an important part of lunch - send ones that your kids will eat. Raw is better, but if you must, send prepared cups of fruit. Buy the type that are sweetened with fruit juice and avoid those little sugar-sweetened cups of fruit. Or, send a cup of grapes off the stems. The cup will keep them from becoming grape juice in the lunch bag. Vegetable sticks bare or with a little cup of dip or peanut butter are fun and healthy.

Dairy

Your child might not want to stand in line to buy milk. At lunch, time is at a premium and getting to the playground fast is a goal. To get dairy in the diet, the dietitian likes frozen yogurt in tubes, string cheese or adding cheese to a sandwich. I just make sure they have milk for breakfast and dinner. For non-milk drinkers broccoli, calcium-fortified soy, salmon or calcium chews might be a solution.

Desserts, mmm

This is often the thing that is eaten first, so make it good. It's usually more economical to bake and bag whole grain cookies and treats like granola bars (which to me seem like glorified candy bars with some healthy ingredients). If you go commercial, try to get treats with whole grains. When you bake you can substitute a third of the flour with whole wheat flour without a noticeable difference. You can also bake with only whole grain flour. Look for recipes with coarse texture like oatmeal cookies. You won't even notice the difference and you avoid preservatives and chemicals like dough conditioners. Try sending trail mix or nuts for dessert.

Chips and other tasty extra calorie dilemmas

I love chips and salty food. Lunch without chips, in my opinion, is a sad affair. They are high in fat and sodium. Popcorn or the baked chips varieties are acceptable. A good compromise may be to send them once in a while and not every day, or instead of a sweet dessert. Pretzels, dill pickles, olives and nuts provide a salty accent.

Extras

Include a note and let your child know you love him, are proud of him and give encouragement. Sometimes a small toy or love note will make her day. And, don't forget a napkin or finger wipes. Go to the school occasionally to support your child and check out the lunch environment. See what they eat and what's popular in the cafeteria.

So, send your child off to school with love, a good lunch and confidence in their ability to do good and make a difference in the world.

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The most important items for back-to-school: Tolerance and respect https://www.familytoday.com/family/the-most-important-items-for-back-to-school-tolerance-and-respect/ Sun, 28 Jul 2013 19:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/the-most-important-items-for-back-to-school-tolerance-and-respect/ New shoes and fun school supplies are important but even more critical is sending your children back to school with…

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While bullying and hate crimes fill the news and disrupt the peaceful environment we long for, we may wonder what we can do as parents and teachers to make a positive change in the world. Do we strive to do the right thing - to please God, be ethical and to help others? There are myriads of reasons to be loving with social, spiritual, emotional and physical benefits. We best teach and encourage respect through our actions. For guidance we turn to the scriptures, look to the examples of Jesus Christ or read Plato, Buddha, C.S. Lewis or other philosophers.

Teaching children tolerance and respect for others is one of the most important lessons a parent or teacher ever gives. Children who are physically or emotionally different are very often the targets of bullying. Sadly, parents and teachers are sometimes the offenders. It may be wise to perform a self-assessment to see where you are on the spectrum of love to hate and pray for the strength to treat others lovingly.

As a child, I experienced the joy of the love of a kindly teacher, Mrs. Alta Boyer, who will forever be a saint in my memory. I also experienced the opposite. One afternoon, this other teacher called a boy and me to her desk and ripped into us with an ugly chastisement. "You are as useless as a sore thumb," she said, "You're smart but not doing anything with it." Did she know his mother had died and he was having trouble concentrating? Or, that my parents had divorced and we had moved out of our family home into an apartment? That we were suffering with the loss of the companionship of both father and mother as she worked long hours to sustain life? That after school I tended, for free, the children of a neighbor who was so poor that all she had in her apartment was a picnic table, a couple of toys and very little food to give her two young children? Humiliated as I was, I closed my heart and refused to share my situation. I also did not perform academically for her. Many of us are not motivated by harshness.

There are a few simple and powerful ideas that can help you create a respectful environment and teach tolerance and love.

Show respect

Respect is treating people as equals. It is not the same as being nice in a passive-aggressive way - especially to avoid conflict. In God's eyes all his children are equal. We are warned not to judge, disdain or dismiss. Aren't the best governments founded on the idea of universal equality?

Be inclusive

We are naturally attracted to people who look and act like us. We often gather with people who remind us of our family members in appearance or behavior. If you visit a school playground, you may see little groups of blonde girls playing together, or boys playing a sport. This is no reason to exclude others who may dress differently or have other interests. Teach your children to look for new children and invite them to sit with them and their friends at lunch. This can be one of the loneliest times for a new child. Teach your children to look for something to compliment - a pretty smile, kindness, scholastic or athletic abilities.

Take ownership

Teach children to take ownership for their opinions. Our experiences, beliefs and thoughts are our own and are unique. Everyone comes from a different place, with different experiences and outlooks. Qualify a statement with, "I believe...", "I think..." or, "I could be wrong, but..." Support statements with facts and information, teach older children to cite outside sources and studies that back up assertions.

Listen respectfully

No side conversations, rolling eyes or sighing. No rude comments, and especially no loaded passive-aggressive or dishonest questions that are, in reality, trying to hurt others.

Don't judge

We usually have no idea what is going on in a person's life. If a person's clothes aren't as nice or her hairstyle is outdated, we don't need to punish her. For a child who is fairly powerless to obtain material things or even emotional support, social cruelty is especially bitter. Instead ask yourself, "Is there something I can do to help?"

Maintain confidentiality

Be responsible for the information you know, or think you know. Too many lives and reputations are disrupted by lies, half-truths and innuendo. If you find out that someone is a dangerous situation, tell an adult.

Address a problem head on

If you feel offended or disrespected, contact the person immediately and privately. It's more effective than holding a grudge. Tell that person how you feel and ask him to stop the offending behavior. If he or she refuses, get a trusted adult to help.

Remember the Golden Rule

Treat others as you wish to be treated. There's a more valuable Platinum Rule: Treat others as they wish to be treated.

You might look at Christ's response to the woman who was taken in adultery (Where was her partner?). He, who would ultimately pay the penalty for her act upon repentance, simply said, "Go and sin no more." No abuse, dismissive behavior, gossip or punishment. We have much less at stake, but our behavior does affect the emotional climate of our culture and the world.

It's time for a change! Let's teach our children well and do our best to bring warmth and love to a weary world. One kind word or deed may make all the difference to someone who is suffering and may literally save a life. Let's end bullying and encourage inclusiveness, tolerance and respect.

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