Kilee Luthi – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com Here today, better tomorrow. Sun, 20 Jul 2014 17:30:00 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.8.3 https://wp-media.familytoday.com/2020/03/favicon.ico Kilee Luthi – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com 32 32 4 rewards of following the path to spirituality https://www.familytoday.com/self-care/4-rewards-of-following-the-path-to-spirituality/ Sun, 20 Jul 2014 17:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/4-rewards-of-following-the-path-to-spirituality/ In a world full of darkness and confusion, it can be a challenge to find beauty and peace. Living a…

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In this world of chaos and confusion, our children could question the purpose of living a spiritual life. The world has much to offer, and it is enticing to the youth. However, a great chunk of the world's offerings can lead to darkness, despair, confusion and misery. As adults, the consequences of living "in the world" can be easier to see. Youth may not understand that.

When children come questioning life or spirituality, we can teach them the rewards of spirituality. They will be happier and healthier if they embody some traits of spiritual living.

Spirituality is a journey. As we travel the path to spirituality, we embody traits such as love and compassion, and we understand there is a greater purpose or greater reality than just what we know here. We seek that understanding. When we journey spiritually, we strive to understand ourselves and our true nature better.

Ways we can live a spiritual life include prayer, meditation, yoga, and practicing gratitude and forgiveness. It can be trying to be in tune with a higher power and discovering the gifts of life.

A spiritual life has the power to bring great rewards. The beauty of life and the rewards of spirituality include: peace, joy, light, and balance.

Peace

Because life can be hectic, we may find we feel "crazy" emotions: stress, depression, anxiety and confusion. Spirituality brings the opposite - peace.

Peace is a necessary element to making ends meet in life. That's not a financial "ends" but an emotional, energetic ends. If life is lived so the only things our body can feel are stress, depression, anxiety, and confusion, the body won't make it. The body will start shutting down to give itself necessary rest and recovery.

However, when we actively seek out opportunities to balance out the "crazy" that life brings, peace will come. Prayer, meditation and yoga are examples of activities that help us become one with ourselves or a higher power. When we are able to "ground" ourselves through spiritual activities, peace can enter our beings and create a time for decompression and rest.

Joy

Joy is a pure embodiment of feelings of contentment, happiness, light and peace. While it may be difficult to feel happiness during life harshest challenges, we can still feel joy.

Like peace, joy gives us a break from the crazy. When life constantly feels dark and looming, it's hard to live on. Without moments of pure joy, or feeling a type of light that dispels the gloom and just makes sense to the mind and emotions, it is all too easy to give up on life.

When we take little moments to see the works of a higher power, express gratitude, or recognize gifts and beauties of life, we will find joy. As joy is cultivated, it will bloom to a lightness that guides us through the darkness of trials.

Light

Light helps us carry on. Darkness leads to despair. If we allow it, life can be full of darkness. There is no doubt we face many trials: accidents, injuries, sickness, death, and more. It's all too easy to give up and say, "I'm done. This is hard. Why is this happening to me?" It's all too easy to let that line of thinking lead us to a dark place, and it's very easy to remain in that dark place.

Family members who have experienced that dark place have found the pain can run deeper and deeper, to the point of emotional numbness or loss of hope. Trying to understand our spiritual nature or the higher power can bring forth light. When we see life as a journey and our mistakes and trials as opportunities to learn from, we will successfully bring light into our spirits. That light is a glowing combination of peace and joy. It's stronger than each individually and a powerful combination of them together.

Balance

When we don't have spirituality grounding us, it can be difficult to find emotional balance. The world wants us to believe we have to look, talk and act a certain way. The world tells us we need to have a lot of money and material possessions. We should enjoy certain types of music, movies, and other types of entertainment. Living for the world can give us a high, but it will ultimately bring negative emotions and can damage our spirits.

If we live a life of spirituality, we bring balance into our emotions. When we feel bogged down with depression due to the act of living for the world, we can take a break and live for ourselves. The peace, joy, and light we find from spirituality can balance the negative feelings building up inside us.

Spirituality brings great rewards. As we teach our children to live on the path to spirituality, their lives will be brighter and full of hope through the peace, joy, light and balance that is found in the journey.

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7 tips for the groom-to-be https://www.familytoday.com/self-care/7-tips-for-the-groom-to-be/ Sat, 12 Jul 2014 17:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/7-tips-for-the-groom-to-be/ No one is ever truly prepared for marriage. No one knows how hard it can really be, and no one…

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As young couples prepare for marriage, they are on the path to discovering life at its finest. Marriage is beautiful. It brings to life a type of joy and light that isn't found elsewhere. However, marriage is hard and takes work. While nothing can truly prepare anyone for what marriage will bring, the following seven tips can be helpful for the future of the groom.

Marriage isn't easy

Few things take more work in life than the work required to keep a marriage running smoothly. No matter how much effort is put in, there will still be ripples in the marriage waters. It's a roller coaster full of highs and lows. When the going gets tough, remember marriage is not supposed to be easy. Don't give up. When work is put in, the value will increase.

Hormones are real

Seriously. Whether she is pregnant or just having a particularly emotional month, consider the hormones. She may act different - maybe a little mean. Keep in mind hormones are nasty buggers and be prepared for their occasional wrath. This doesn't necessarily excuse poor behavior on the bride's part, but it can help the groom first, understand that she may feel out of control and second, recognize hormonal patterns in her behavior.

Empathy can go a long way

Empathy fuels connection in relationships. It allows her feelings to be heard and valued. Empathy is about validation, hearing, understanding, and vulnerability. With those in place, with whatever is happening in the marriage, hard feelings can be resolved and connections built through the use of empathy.

You don't need to be the fixer of problems

For one thing, not all problems can be fixed. Not only that, when wives talk to husbands about their problems, they aren't asking for it to be fixed. They want to be heard and know their feelings are valued. So, rather than jumping immediately to the fixer role, ask what she needs. Hold her, hug her, let her cry. Those actions are invaluable for a woman experiencing emotional pain.

Be honest

When secrets are kept in a marriage, it becomes tough to hold it together. Practicing honesty during dating and engagement is crucial. It will build trust and habits that will keep the marriage together in the long run.

Value her opinion

Sometimes a husband and wife will disagree. That is OK. Disagreements don't mean the other person's opinions or ideas aren't valuable. If she has an opinion about something, make sure she knows her opinion is valid. You don't have to both agree, but if she feels that you value what she has to say, she won't be afraid of open communication of any kind. When opinions and ideas get shot down, communication lines - which are crucial to marriage - will be broken down.

Be respectful of her friends and family

Even if you don't like her friends and family, be respectful. Try getting to know them. Try to see them as she sees them. Just as you would want her to be gracious to those you love, she wants you to be gracious to her loved ones.

As couples prepare for marriage, there is so much they don't know. The joy of marriage is a discovery made through the journey. It's not easy, and it wasn't meant to be easy. But, it is worth it.

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How to ride the marriage roller coaster https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/how-to-ride-the-marriage-roller-coaster/ Sat, 28 Jun 2014 12:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/how-to-ride-the-marriage-roller-coaster/ Riding the marriage roller coaster isn't easy. With these tips, riding through the hard times will become a little easier.

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Like a roller coaster, a marriage is full of ups and downs. Sometimes, the marriage can be terrifying. Sometimes there are major corkscrews that make one feel ready to black out. And sometimes, marriage is a complete thrill.

The thrill, excitement, and bliss of marriage is easy and fun. It's the hard times -the extreme lows, dropping off steep ledges, and painful corkscrews - that are the kickers. Those are the times one might want to jump off the coaster.

The marriage roller coaster isn't easy, but it can be done. Remembering two things can help ease the terror of the coaster: enjoy the good times, and ride out the bad times.

Enjoy the good times

Take every good moment for what it is worth. Cherish the joys. Each joyful moment has the power to help push through the hard times marriage brings. Don't take any good moment for granted. When the good times come, let them come, let them envelop you, and let them carry you onward.

Ride out the bad times

We all know the hard times are... hard. Some of these instances are completely excruciating. Sometimes we want to give up rather than ride it out. Difficult times in a marriage can be ridden out gracefully when we have empathy, vulnerability, patience, and love with our spouse.

Empathy

In marriage, many hardships can come from actions of the spouse. For the marriage to work, and to make it through this low part of the coaster, empathyis crucial. Recognize the spouse is suffering, too. When the spouse expresses his thoughts or feelings, validate them and show him you understand. Dig deep within yourself to find your experience with pain. Your experience with pain shows an understanding and enables empathy on your part. Realize that pain and sit with them. Empathy is invaluable in marriage.

Showing empathy will allow for a deeper connection and bonding experience in the marriage. At times, when spouses may feel like enemies, showing empathy can bring forth an attitude shift that could be surprisingly miraculous and healing.

Vulnerability

When trials arise in marriage, we must be able to talk about them with our spouse. It's important to be open and transparent. As spouses are vulnerableand transparent, they can gain understanding of the other person's perspective as well as learn things that might never have been said.

Vulnerability could be as simple as "When happened today, it hurt me. I felt like ." Sometimes spouses don't realize they have done something hurtful, and they won't know unless it is voiced. Vulnerability isn't always regarding spousal actions, though. Vulnerability can help one voice emotions/traumas/concerns regarding general life trials, and this ability to talk openly about life can increase marital connection during times that would be more prone to ripping spouses apart.

Patience

No one is perfect. No matter how much a person may seem like "the one", problems will arise in the marriage. Patienceis key. Develop a softer heart that is less annoyed by simple things such as the way he chews his food or forgets to unload the dishwasher. Recognize that "thing" the spouse did may not have actually been purposeful to making you mad. Recognize the spouse may have had a really long day. Authenticity and vulnerability lead to understanding. When we understand things, we are able to be a little more patient with certain situations.

Love

Love isn't a cure-all, but it certainly helps. After the butterfly feeling fades - and it will - remember the reasons you chose this person. When love seems fleeting or failing, it can be rekindled through small acts of kindness. Those small acts of kindness can help ease burdens and increase the ability to empathize and be vulnerable and patient. The power of love can help the marriage ride out the bad times when it is used appropriately.

When empathy, vulnerability, patience, and love are combined, the burdens of a marriage's hard times can be eased. The good times are great, but it's the trials and burdens that may cause a spouse in a marriage to want to jump ship. These elements to help ride out the bad times take practice. With practice, the pains of the hard times can be eased, and the marriage roller coaster can seem a little less steep, foreboding and dizzying.

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Recovering a marriage from pornography wreckage: 3 aspects of recovery https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/recovering-a-marriage-from-pornography-wreckage-3-aspects-of-recovery/ Mon, 16 Jun 2014 12:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/recovering-a-marriage-from-pornography-wreckage-3-aspects-of-recovery/ For a marriage to recover from the havoc brought by a pornography addiction, three things must be healed: the addict,…

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Pornography can take a desperate toll on marriage. According to Covenant Eyes' 2014 statistics, 56 percent of divorce cases involve at least one party in the marriage who "obsessively" looks at porn.

Pornography can wreak havoc on a marriage. However, marriages that have experienced distress caused by pornography can be healed. For the fullest marital healing, the following three things must be recovered: the addict, the spouse and the marriage.

The Addict

Despite the fact that many addicts are not in recovery from their sex-addiction, or possibly don't even recognize it as an "addiction," many addicts want their marriages to work. However, the addiction stands in the way of the marriage working. Quite often, the addicts that desire a working marriage simply haven't been able to break out of the cycle of addiction and addictive behaviors - something necessary to keeping their marriages intact.

For a marriage to be truly functional, the addict must be in recovery. The addict's behaviors, such as lying, infidelity, manipulation or power struggles, have the potential to destroy both the spouse and the marriage.

The addict must be actively engaged in recovery to keep the marriage functioning properly. While the idea seems simple, to the addict's mind, recovery can be difficult. An addict's recovery takes time and perseverance and will usually include the following:

Working a recovery program. This can help addicts not only break the cycle of pride, selfishness, shame, but also aid them in turning their wills over to a higher power and gain a full recovery.

Working with a sponsor. Addicts cannot overcome this on their own. The chemical ties to the addiction are too strong. There are habits and pathways that need to be re-routed, and addicts need the help of someone who is experienced in breaking addictive habits or pathways.

Developing a pure motivation. Healing for the addict can only take place when the motivation is for self and God, not for anyone else including the spouse.

Gaining knowledge. The addict should learn about the nature of the addiction, the physiological and psychological aspects, as well as understand how a relationship with a higher power can help break the chains of addiction. The addict should also develop an understanding of the root of the addiction in self, such as how it started, triggers and motivations.

Developing honesty with self, spouse, God.

Seeing a counselor. A counselor can help the addict work through the addiction and the issues that trigger it.

The Spouse

The spouse's recovery is sometimes overlooked. People tend to say things such as, "It's the addict's problem. The addict needs to overcome this," not realizing the spouse has just as much healing and recovery that must take place.

The spouse experiences Betrayal Trauma, which can have symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. As a result of the addict's betrayal of fidelity and trust, the spouse has much to work through. If the trauma, heartache and possibly codependent behaviors are left untouched, the spouse will be rocked to the very core and could experience permanent damage.

Spouses of addicts must work on their own recovery so they can have a solid foundation in themselves, which will give a base on which the marriage can be strengthened. Keys to the spouse's recovery include:

Understanding the physiological and psychological aspects of the addiction.

__Developing boundaries to keep self safe.

Working a recovery program to gain their own trauma and healing.

Learning about betrayal trauma, the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and the stages of the grief cycle.

Seeing a counselor.

Self-care and self-compassion. It's OK to spend time on yourself. It will strengthen you for your work on the marriage.

Prayer. Turn to a higher power for help overcoming the pains brought forth by addiction-trauma.

Reaching out. The spouse can't do this alone. Friends and support people will be key elements in survival through the pain.

Learning to forgive, but without rushing forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't for the addict. It's about healing the part of yourslef that is broken. Until forgiveness takes place, the spouse won't be able to truly be healed.

The Marriage

For the marriage to reach the highest potential of healing, the addict and spouse need to first work on their own individual recoveries. As each party within the marriage becomes healed, he or she will have an individual foundation of healing and strength that will give him the ability to work as a team to recover the marriage.

Sometimes when facing this addiction and the trauma it causes, the parties in the marriage see each other as enemies. At some point, however, the addict will have to look beyond himself or herself to help the spouse. And, the spouse will have to learn trust again and work with the addict to build a strong foundation for their futures together.

Every marriage is different and will require different types of care to bring the marriage back to peace and safety. That being said, the following few tips can help the addict and spouse bring their marriage back to safety:

Work individually on the marriage. Each party in the marriage must work his or her own recovery and together choose recovery for the marriage. This requires vulnerability, a little bit of trust and a lot of patience.

Establish boundaries. When the relationship is in a stable enough position, an example of a boundary could be that each person makes the other his or her number one. That means you talk to your spouse about big important things before anyone else. Boundaries should be set together and provide a safety net for the relationship.

Vulnerability and intimacy. By starting with emotional vulnerability and intimacy, the relationship and all types of intimacy will progress and gain strength naturally. The addict and spouse could decide to figuratively work together to "start over," giving the marriage a clean slate to build upon.

Communication. Addicts and spouses must communicate, even when it's difficult.

Ultimately, a marriage can be restored to its fullest potential after suffering through the wreckage of a porn addiction. When the addict and spouse both seek their healing, they will build strength within themselves to secure a foundation to rebuild their marriage upon. By following the tips outlined above, addicts and spouses will be able to find healing in their marriages.

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Using grace to forgive and heal family hurts https://www.familytoday.com/family/using-grace-to-forgive-and-heal-family-hurts/ Sun, 01 Jun 2014 07:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/using-grace-to-forgive-and-heal-family-hurts/ God's grace is a powerful tool that can help us forgive and heal family hurts.

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Grace is the divine means of help or strength given to us from our Father through his son, Jesus Christ. This power is available to all people, to enable to us to move forward in our lives and receive spiritual healing. Grace is a powerful tool that can be used to help us heal from the challenges life presents.

Many challenges happen in the family. Because we are designed to love and cherish family, some of the deepest wounds can be a result of trauma - whether it be intentional or unintentional - in the family. We tend to be emotionally vulnerable to our family, thus in the family there is much room for hurt. The power given us through grace can be used to both forgive and heal family hurts.

Using grace to forgive

The ultimate example of forgiveness is found in the Gospel of Luke when Christ is on the cross. At this point, he has suffered immensely: He suffered for all of our sins and pains in the Garden. He was betrayed by one of his disciples with a kiss. He was mocked. He was beaten, scourged and crucified.

As Christ hung on the cross, he cried, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). Soon after, he gave up the ghost.

Because of Christ's suffering for us so we can all be forgiven of our sins if we repent, and because of his immediate and loving forgiveness for those who so unjustly wronged him, we are able to forgive. It's not always easy. In fact, sometimes it takes quite a long time to forgive. But through faith in Christ and diligence in living after his example, we are able to forgive. Even if we don't feel like the burden is too heavy, but especially when the burden IS too heavy, he will help carry us. He always helps carry us.

Christ has already forgiven, and it's up to us to choose to lean on him to help us forgive, as well.

Using grace to heal

Although we mostly talk about Christ's sacrifice in terms of repentance and forgiveness, there is much more to his suffering than that. He suffered that we may be healed. It's part of the plan.

Because of Adam's fall, mankind became lost and fallen. We became subject to temptations and darkness. People choose to follow those temptations and act in darkness. And sometimes, because of people's choices, we get hurt. Sometimes we are deeply hurt.

The grace of God allows us to heal. Christ suffered for every single pain and heartache on this earth. And he did that alone so he would know exactly what we need to be lifted up. He uses his knowledge, power, and experience to lift us up and help us heal. It's up to us to seek that healing power.

We can seek his grace through prayer and meditation. As we pray, we will be able to draw closer to him and align our will with his.

We can seek his grace and power as we serve and love others around us - a sure way to feel his love envelop us.

Through his grace, he will grant us little mercies or blessings to help us get through like a friend calling to see how we are doing, sending a card wishing you a good day, or bringing over a plate of treats to say, "I've been thinking about you." He may help us find the perfect scripture to get us through the day. Or he may send perfectly sunny weather to brighten up our spirits on a particular day. He can do so much. But we have to look and recognize that all good is from him, or else we won't recognize we are being healed through him.

Grace, the gift that gives us strength, is always available. God wants us to be able to forgive and be healed. He has not (and will not) leave us comfortless. As we reach out to take his hand, we will be able to forgive and heal from our hurts.

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10 not-so-good tips for husbands https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/10-not-so-good-tips-for-husbands/ Mon, 26 May 2014 12:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/10-not-so-good-tips-for-husbands/ The following advice is the most helpful information found on the Internet. Actually, it's not. These tips are great for…

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Everywhere you look, people are ready to offer advice about life. People are more than ready to tell you what to do. Some advice is super helpful while others - not so much.

Based on hours of research and the study of my own experiences, along with those of my fellow women, the following advice is the most helpful information for husbands to follow in order to keep their wives happy. Ladies, grab your man and bring him over. What I'm about to say will change your world.

On second thought, these tips really aren't that great. Ladies, grab your man and bring him over so he knows what not to do (in no particular order.)

  1. Don't help with the "water chores" - laundry and dishes.

Women don't need help with chores such as laundry and dishes. In fact, we love these chores. So please, let us handle them. If you surprise us by doing them without being asked, you will not only get in our way, you will throw off our groove, and you will take away a little piece of our hearts. We would break and shatter. Just leave these chores up to us.

  1. Please just fix all our problems.

When we start talking about the hard things we are facing, we know your natural response is to simply listen and give us a shoulder to cry on. Really, that's not what we want. We don't need to cry, and we certainly don't need you to listen to us. That's what girlfriends are for. Just fix the problem, and everyone will be happy.

  1. Talk to your wife as if she is one of the guys.

We love endless swearing. We also love hearing the objectification of women's bodies (because that's always OK) especially how we compare to your ex-girlfriends. And don't forget, we love the constant talk of ESPN. Keep it comin'.

  1. Believe you are perfect.

You have no room for growth. Really. Everything you do is something to be applauded and rejoiced. It hurts us to see you apologize for things or admit flaws. Please spare us that pain and just assume your perfection is a gift to our marriage.

  1. Have no opinions.

Opinions make us mad. When we ask for your opinion, all we really want is for you to say you don't care so we can make the decision by ourselves. The fewer opinions you have, the better.

  1. Constantly complain about your job.

Nothing could make us want to love you more than the constant complaints of your job. It's like, "Aw, how sad and cute is he? I've heard these same complaints over and over again, and it just never gets old. I'm glad he keeps telling me how awful his job is because I would never understand it if he didn't tell me 50 times a day." If you ever think the conversation is a drag, just turn it to how much you hate your job. That will pick the pace right up.

  1. Small lies don't hurt.

If you did something wrong, it's OK. We don't need to know. Just give it a little white lie and let's be on our merry way. Those little lies don't count. When you fib a little, it actually protects us from the negative feelings that might engulf us if we actually know the problem. What we don't know won't hurt us. Remember that.

  1. Refer to the third trimester as the "beached whale" trimester.

When we are pregnant with our children, nothing will make us laugh more than you joking about us being a beached whale. It's really funny.

  1. Keep reading that book or website when your wife starts talking to you.

If we really want your attention, we will make sure to say, "I need your attention right now." Every time. If we don't start our sentences with that phrase, what we have to say really is not that important.

  1. Watch porn.

When you watch porn, it shows us how much you love us because you are finding new, fun ways to please us behind closed doors. Not to mention how your porn-watching boosts our self-esteem and makes us feel like we have value to you.

Men, if you want to help your marriage thrive, please don't take this advice. In fact, doing the opposite of each item will be likely to enhance feelings of love and passion in your marriage.

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Things that changed my view of marriage forever https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/things-that-changed-my-view-of-marriage-forever/ Fri, 23 May 2014 20:00:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/things-that-changed-my-view-of-marriage-forever/ One day I woke up and realized I didn't love my husband. That simple realization forever changed the way I…

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I had no idea what I was getting into before I got married. I mean, how can you really anticipate what will happen for the rest of your life when you make such a decision? It seems like one day I was just Kilee, a girl who liked playing basketball, painting, going on dates, and having fun with friends. Then, the next day I was married to the guy with whom I was supposed to start this grand new adventure - with whom I should be happy with for the rest of my existence.

Many soon-to-be-weds think marriage ensures blissful butterflies and rainbows. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but we definitely don't anticipate life after marriage to be as hard as it really is. There are many reasons for that, one being the fact that you are now part of a team and you have to learn to work together. With a team, things are easier, right?

We've definitely had our fair share of trials since we were married. We've specifically faced dreadful trials between us, putting a wall in our marriage.

One day I woke up and realized I did not love my husband

He was just a stranger sleeping next to me. In that moment, I questioned everything I was and everything I had done up to that point in my life. This realization that I could not "be in love" with the guy to whom I had promised my eternity changed my view of marriage. Forever.

Some people call that "falling out of love." I don't know what to call it. Falling out of love seems too sudden, almost like BAM! - I don't love you anymore. It didn't happen like that. This "fall" of our love happened ever so gradually until it hit full reality that morning. It happened over the course of painful trials. It happened as lies were discovered in our marriage. It happened as choices were made that tore us apart. It happened as our communication and emotional intimacy declined.

When I woke up that morning and realized I didn't love my husband, I didn't know what to do. All my life, I had sworn up and down I would never get a divorce. "Nothing could be bad enough to warrant a divorce." "We will be able to work through anything." That was actually a topic of discussion when we were dating, and we agreed together that we would work through anything. When I chose to marry, I signed up for working through anything. What I didn't sign up for was working through anything without love helping pull me through.

When I realized I didn't love him, I faced a big decision. Do we work through this together? Or do I give up what I thought marriage was - and what my marriage had truly become - and leave him?

After much prayer, I chose for us to work through the problems occurring in our marriage. I chose to stay, and I've learned some beautiful lessons:

Love is a choice

Here I was thinking I had already mastered love. We got that down when we were dating. However, I learned the butterfly feeling you get when you are dating/engaged/newlyweds doesn't last forever. It's the precursor to a deep, burning love and passion that must be chosen.

For a while, I sat in my lack of love. I experienced many emotions at this time, and I hit a very low point. I allowed myself to just sit with the pain occurring in my life, waiting for something to change. My husband was trying to change, and I eventually realized nothing would change on my end if I didn't put forth some effort to love him. Love doesn't just come back on its own.

Every day, even now, I consciously make a choice: I choose to love my husband. When I feel the love faltering, I ask myself why. Why do I feel this way? What is happening to me that would cause this? If he is making choices that impact my ability to love, I evaluate his actions and ask myself what is going on in his life that would cause him to act in those ways? Much self- and relationship-awareness occurs during this time.

Then, because I choose to stay, I choose to love. I do things to serve him. As I serve him, I find myself softening and the love rekindling. Every time, it comes back with fewer butterflies and more depth.

Marriage isn't easy. Giving yourself to someone fully isn't easy. Love isn't easy.

When the going gets rough, it seems easy to give up. Giving up, however, isn't always the answer. At least, it wasn't for me at that time. And it's still not right now.

Sometimes, it's OK to leave, though. Sometimes, you have to leave

Just because I didn't choose that doesn't mean I didn't learn I could leave if I felt like it was the right thing to do. I'd be a liar if I said I hadn't contemplated divorce. Before I was married, I thought divorce wasn't an option. I now know divorce is an option, and I understand reasons why someone would choose that route especially when the spouse has already given up on the marriage or if abuse was involved.

When I woke up and realized I didn't love my husband, I was changed. That change taught me three great lessons: I know love is a choice. I know how to choose love. And I know that sometimes you have to leave. Because of this experience, I am changed. Forever.

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Lessons learned about family from the movie ‘Frozen’ https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/lessons-learned-about-family-from-the-movie-frozen/ Mon, 19 May 2014 07:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/lessons-learned-about-family-from-the-movie-frozen/ 'Frozen' teaches lessons about family: the proper handling of emotions, the power of vulnerability, and the power of true love.

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I probably don't need to describe how popular the movie "Frozen" has become, nor do I need to reiterate the fact that many people have written about the hidden meanings this movie could offer. "Frozen" is a great movie that appeals to people of all ages because of its messages, animation, and songs.

"Frozen" teaches, among many messages, beautiful lessons about family and relationships that can strengthen families and society as a whole.

1. Handling emotions

The entire movie is a great trial and error experience as Elsa learns how to appropriately handle her emotions. When Anna's head is healed in the beginning, Elsa is directed by the trolls to learn to control her powers, "You must learn to control it. Fear will be your enemy." In efforts to help Elsa keep control, her father locks the gates, reduces staff and limits Elsa's contact with people so her powers will be hidden from everyone. He instructs her to "conceal, don't feel."

While we had once seen Elsa as a carefree, fun-filled and loving sister, she grew to become a frightened girl who spent the majority of time locked in her room. Because of her experience in almost killing her sister, she lived in a frightened state. She, and her good-intentioned father, thought if she just shoved her emotions down, if she didn't feel, her powers would be under control.

Does shoving emotions down ever work? No

Shoving emotions down causes them to grow under strong pressure. Eventually, they erupt very forcefully, as shown when Elsa's high-strung emotions freeze the whole kingdom.

It wasn't until Elsa finally allowed herself to feel her emotions, or "let it go," that she learned to control her power.

Elsa's example shows the importance of teaching our children how to appropriately deal with their emotions. Sometimes kids make mistakes. They will have experiences, and with each one lies a teaching moment. With every experience, children need to be taught how to deal with their power and emotions. Elsa's power could be symbolic of the innate power each person has in this life. Everyone has unique talents, or powers, that affect the world around them. Children need to be taught how to use those powers for good and feel their emotions. When "conceal, don't feel" is the mantra, more harm than good will come of it. When we feel and learn to manage emotions, we live a fuller life.

2. Vulnerability

Vulnerability is allowing yourself to feel connection by letting down guards and barriers and being real. The ability to be vulnerable allows the building of trust and love in relationships.

Frozen illustrates many relationships, and each teaches how vulnerability enhances relationships.

Elsa/Anna

When Elsa pushes Anna away, she builds a wall, blocking their ability to build a deep connection. We see moments of connection throughout the movie, but each time, that connection is broken when Elsa chooses to follow fear over love. When love and vulnerability are chosen over fear, the relationship between Elsa and Anna thrives, and a true bond of sisterhood is formed.

Hans/Anna

Because Hans and Anna don't take much time to get to know one another on a deep, emotionally intimate level, Anna ends up betrayed by Hans. In real life, you can be betrayed by someone you feel you have connected with on a deep, emotional level. However, the chances of that betrayal are more slim, and the chances of developing a strong relationship are higher, when both parties allow themselves to be vulnerable to the relationship.

Kristoff/Anna

Anna and Kristoff start off as friends (or not even friends at all - their relationship was built from the ground up.) Because they had a pressure-free relationship, they were both able to completely be themselves. They opened up to each other in ways that may not have occurred had there been some kind of romantic pressure. Eventually, they found love, and we are led to assume they had a stable relationship in the future. Their relationship has the power to be stable because they were able to be vulnerable and true to themselves as their relationship progressed.

Vulnerability is important in family relationships. As parents being vulnerable with your children allows them to feel safe and secure in talking to you about heavy things. In that case, they will (hopefully) be more likely to trust and confide in you rather than learning things from other sources.

Relationships in the family need to be built on trust and love. Part of the foundation of trust and love comes from the power of vulnerability.

3. Love

Olaf gives a good general description of love: "Love is putting someone else's needs before yours." In the family, many types of love exist. We feel love for our spouse, love for our children, love for our siblings, and love for our parents.

True love is pure. It is motivated by a simple desire for the other person's welfare, rather than our own selfish desires.

We see that as Kristoff leaves Anna behind with her "true love," then comes rushing back through a terrible storm to save Anna when he knows she needs help. We see the evidence of true love more specifically when Anna gives her life to protect Elsa from being slain by the hands of the selfish Hans.

This movie is set apart by others because the "act of true love" is between sisters, rather than lovers. That alone teaches a powerful lesson of the bonds of love in a family. In an ideal, functional family, the bonds of true love would be powerful and validating to each relationship that exists in the family.

The family is the fundamental unit of society. When we follow the lessons taught in Frozen, we will have stronger families thus a stronger society.

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4 tips to make Mother’s Day meaningful https://www.familytoday.com/family/4-tips-to-make-mothers-day-meaningful/ Sat, 10 May 2014 12:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/4-tips-to-make-mothers-day-meaningful/ These four tips will help make this Mother's Day special for the women in your life.

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Mom.

The woman who brought you into this life.

The woman who loved you throughout childhood.

The woman who kissed your "owies" to make them better.

The woman who rocked you read stories to you and tucked you in at night.

The woman who bathed, clothed and fed you.

The woman who laughed at your jokes.

The woman who cried upon dropping you off for your first day of kindergarten.

The woman who cried when you graduated high school.

The woman who fought for you to have a good life - your biggest advocate.

The woman who makes a house feel like a home.

The woman you call for advice when life gets rough.

Once a year, we have a special day to celebrate - a day that is all about the beauty of being a woman and a mom. In reality, one day isn't enough. Special things should be done to say "thank you" to Mom throughout the year - every year. But this day in May is extra special. It's the day the whole family comes together to treat Mom like the queen she is.

When shopping for gifts, it's all too easy to find something simple and cool and make a split-second decision. There. Decision made, shopping done.

In this way, holidays have become over-commercialized. Sometimes the focus of the holidays gets lost in the midst of the chaos (shopping, buying) surrounding it. Giving and receiving gifts is fun. Giving a gift is a great way to spread the love. However, to really give the gift that says, "I love you" takes time and effort. I'm not saying don't purchase gifts. I'm saying make the gifts count. Mom deserves it.

If you're looking to make this Mother's Day memorable, here are four tips:

1. Give the gift of "me-time."

Moms don't get enough time for themselves. They give, give and give, and they love unconditionally. Moms need time for themselves. It will help them keep their sense of identity and maybe make the world feel a little less crazy.

What does Mom like to do? Does she enjoy sitting out in the sun? Does she enjoy curling up to read a good book? Does she like to bake? Paint? Watch movies? Play sports? What's her favorite show?

Give her something that says, "I know you. And I love you. Take some time for yourself. You deserve it." That could be a subscription to her favorite magazine. Or that pair of sunglasses she has been eyeing. Maybe her favorite book or her favorite author's latest book. A new cookbook. New paint or drawing tools. A good movie. A season of her favorite show. Give her something pertaining to her interests so she gets her well-deserved me-time.

2. Use your talents to make something for her

Moms love handmade gifts. It shows her you put time and energy into creating something wonderful for her. If you're good with woodworking or home repairs, you could build "that thing" she has been wanting for the house. You could paint or draw her a picture. Make your own card. Write a letter or poem. Sing a song you wrote.

3. Make it sentimental and thoughtful

Whatever you do, the more thought you put into the gift, the more love she will feel from it. A simple gift such as flowers, a book, jewelry can go a long way with a well-thought, handwritten card.

4. Make her favorite meal

Or just make her a meal. If her favorite meal seems too complicated, the fact that you are even making a meal for her will help her feel special. Add a beautiful family dinner to the fact that she doesn't have to cook and her night will be set. As long as you don't forget about dessert.

Mother's Day is a special day for women across the globe. If you follow these simple tips, you can make it special for the women in your life.

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5 values we must teach our children https://www.familytoday.com/family/5-values-we-must-teach-our-children/ Wed, 16 Apr 2014 07:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/5-values-we-must-teach-our-children/ In a world full of change and conflicting values, these five values must be taught to help our children reach…

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We live in a world that changes constantly: from the education system to political stances, technology, parenting styles and morals. Opinions fly everywhere, and children learn from what happens around them. The problem is children learn from everything, everywhere, all the time. How do parents know the things kids learn will actually help them become a positive, contributing member of society as an adult?

We want our children to be successful and happy, but when children take life-lessons from this fast-paced, ever-changing world, how do we know what they'll become? We don't. However, as a parent, you can take some matters into your own hands. You can teach your children values that will help them find true success as adults. Five values that all children must learn include compassion, gratitude, integrity, commitment and patience. With these values, children can build their lives to reach their highest potential.

1. Compassion

It's hard, even as adults, to look beyond ourselves. Because of the society in which we live, where we are taught to look out for number one, we tend to forget that others need our love and companionship. Living a life of selfishness can lead to isolation and bitterness. A life of compassion can lead to understanding, strength, friendship and joy.

Compassion includes selflessness, empathy, mercy, tolerance, kindness, love and charity. These values help us build positive relationships with surrounding people, along with ourselves. We must teach children to find opportunities to show compassion. This may be through helping children understand other people's backgrounds - lessening judgment of others' situations, helping children do nice things for their siblings or friends who are having a bad day or teaching them self-compassion when they feel like they don't measure up. Teaching children compassion will go far. As they grow older, compassionate children will be able to find opportunities to make a difference for others, leading them to feel more secure, joyful and self-confident.

2. Gratitude

It's hard to be grateful for what we have when society tells us we need more. When we aren't grateful for what we have, life feels less satisfying. If we teach our children to be content with what they have and grateful for the little things that happen in their lives, it will be game-changing for their futures.

Children must understand the beauty of gratitude. True happiness doesn't come from the material possessions that society teaches us we need more and more of. It results from a security and confidence with life that comes from the attitude of gratitude, no matter the circumstance.

In my first year of teaching, I found that children who constantly seek after more struggle with various negativities, such as negative self-concept and depression. That isn't to say gratitude would automatically fix these problems, but it could soften the blow. If children are grateful for what they have, the constant need for more wouldn't be so saturated in their motivations, actions and desires.

3. Integrity

Integrity is a high level of honesty in all dealings with yourself and others. As I have taught high school, I've been surprised at the lack of integrity I've seen in teenagers. Many do not understand that certain things, such as copying a friend's homework, are dishonest. Students have informed me things like that are only wrong if you get caught, but if you don't get caught then it doesn't really matter.

A person's ability to act with integrity will have a direct correlation to their reliability, responsibility and self-confidence. If he relies on cheating or sneaking to get what he wants, things may go his way for a while. Sooner or later, however, it will likely come back to hurt him and the people he loves. For example, he could be mistrustful since he knows he can't be trusted. He could get fired from a job for cheating the company. A person's closest relationships could be marred by lies and betrayal.

For children to truly be successful and know they have earned it, they need to be taught to exercise integrity.

4. Patience

Some things take months or years to achieve, but most kids wouldn't know that based on what they see every day. We live in an age of fast-food and high-speed Internet. We have computers in our pockets that give quick, easy access to any information we desire. It's no wonder patience is becoming a lost virtue.

Children can learn patience by doing chores to earn an allowance and saving their money to pay for things they want. They can learn patience by learning to garden and patiently nurture the plants to help them grow. Children can learn patience by accepting failure. They might not win that basketball championship, master the piano right away, or get an A on their report card, but as children continue to work hard to achieve their goals, they will learn the art of patience. Good things come over time, and the reward is so much better after heart and effort have been put into achieving the goal.

5. Commitment

These days, so many practices are in place that allow people to be non-committal. Divorce rates are high. Cohabitation practices are high. People run from job to job, trying to find the one that suits them best. And when the going gets rough, people tend to just quit.

The ability to commit to something and see it through is a talent that must be practiced. It's easy to quit to escape the hard things in life. However, taking ownership and facing trials builds a strength that is necessary for living a life of fullness and joy.

Children can learn commitment through things such as doing chores or being involved in extracurricular activities.

Children learn by example and experience. If you create an atmosphere and set an example of these values in your home, the kids will catch on and live a fuller life with high potential.

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