Lilian Llanos – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com Here today, better tomorrow. Wed, 29 Apr 2015 08:53:00 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.8.3 https://wp-media.familytoday.com/2020/03/favicon.ico Lilian Llanos – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com 32 32 How to revive a desperate marriage https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/how-to-revive-a-desperate-marriage/ Wed, 29 Apr 2015 08:53:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/how-to-revive-a-desperate-marriage/ You may resist at first - but you'll thank yourself later for taking these steps.

The post How to revive a desperate marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>

Is it really possible to save a hopeless marriage?

I would respond to this question with an indubitable "no" had I not experienced my own miracle.

My husband and I had been separated for a little over a year. We were about to meet with a marriage counselor - even though I didn't think there was a slight chance we could turn things around. We were hurt, angry and resentful beyond measure.

Our counseling meeting came to an end without us coming to an agreement. We were sent home with a challenging task: to take ourselves back to the time when we first met and fell in love, and make an inventory of the qualities we'd liked in each other.

I went home resolved to do the exact opposite. I was afraid those memories would only bring pain ... but thoughts rushed through my mind. I couldn't help but wonder, "Is there a possibility I could learn to love this man again?"

My husband and I met the following day. To my surprise, he showed up with a humble attitude that helped me take my own guard down for the first time in months. We discussed openly our individual needs and desires without feeling the need to judge one another or defend ourselves.

Right then, we decided we deserved to give ourselves a second chance. This was the first of many conversations that laid the foundation for saving our hopeless marriage.

They say love is a decision, and I agree. These are the decisions that saved our marriage, and they might save yours. Read through them with your spouse, and choose ideas that resonate with you. Then, come up with as many more as necessary.

1. Love yourself

To love another, you first need to love yourself. Your heart needs already to be filled. You can't give out what you don't have, and you can't expect from others what you don't give to yourself.

How do you love yourself?

Nurture yourself in body, mind and spirit. Be kind to yourself. Be accepting and forgiving.

It is your responsibility to fulfill your own needs. Lack of self-love may manifest as insecurity and emotional codependence. Love yourself!

2. Fall in love with your partner - every day

Take your attention off of your spouse's flaws. You must focus on the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship.

Nourish your love. Cultivate romance, emotional connection and physical intimacy. Have heart-to-heart conversations. Reminisce about the best moments of your relationship.

Strengthen the bond you share through comforting and passionate touch.

3. Strive to be happy rather than right

The need to be right is driven by your ego's desire to be in control.

Accept the fact that you and your spouse won't always share the same perspectives and opinions. Let go of the need to define everything as right or wrong, win or lose. In a marriage, either everyone wins or everyone loses. At the end of the journey, is it really worth losing a marriage so you can be right?

4. Set healthy boundaries

"Healthy personal boundaries = taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions while not taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others."

- Mark Manson

Know yourself, and discover where you stand. What do you like? What do you need? What do you want? Know when to say "yes," and know when to say "no."

Respect your spouse's boundaries as well. Boundaries give each individual the opportunity to grow, and ignoring boundaries causes conflict in marriage.

5. Make your marriage your first priority

Once kids come into the marriage, it is easy to find yourself allowing parenthood to rob time and energy from your marriage.

Remember that you and your spouse were together before your children entered the picture, and you and your spouse will be together after your children leave. The relationship of the couple comes first - then the kids. In the end, a healthy marriage is the best help for kids while they are growing up and after they leave home.

The controversial marriage tip that will fix your whole family

6. Start over

It's human nature to err. Commit to hitting the reset button - over and over again. Forgive and forget past wrongdoings and shortcomings both of your partner and of yourself.

As a couple, discuss how you will handle stressful situations. Will you give yourselves time to sit with your emotions before confronting one another to avoid hurtful responses? Will you reach out for additional support (e.g. a spiritual counselor, marriage counselor)?

Ultimately, avoid living in the past. Learn from it, and be willing to start over as often as necessary.

It's been almost two years since that first conversation when my husband and I renewed our commitment to our marriage. We have sorted through the mess to recover the treasures.

As we have learned to respect our unique attributes, needs, wants and goals as individuals, we have also committed, as a couple, to work toward one common goal: creating a solid, lasting marriage - one day at a time.

The post How to revive a desperate marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
How to manage stress https://www.familytoday.com/self-care/how-to-manage-stress/ Sat, 01 Dec 2012 21:23:31 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/how-to-manage-stress/ According to research at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, levels of stress have increased by 18 percent for women and…

The post How to manage stress appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
According to research at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, levels of stress have increased by 18 percent for women and 24 percent for men from 1983 to 2009. So, if you are suffering from mild to chronic stress, you are not alone.

We live in a fast-paced world where we are pushed to multitask and take on more activities that we can handle. As parents, we owe it to ourselves and to our children to strive to reach and maintain a healthy mental and emotional state.

One of the keys to stress management is taking time for your own individual needs

 Doing so isn't selfish. It's the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.

Remember the last time you traveled by airplane? You were advised to put your own oxygen mask on before trying to help someone else. Just as in flying, you can't take care of someone else if you haven't taken care of yourself. If you don't nurture yourself first, you'll have less to share with the world.

If you do not give the best to yourself you will stay in the same place you are right now—stressed, overwhelmed and unfulfilled, and sooner or later you will resent those you dedicate your life to.

The first step you need to take to lower your levels of stress is to start scheduling "Me Time."

What is Me Time exactly? This is not the time you use for activities like grooming and doctor's appointments for example. This time should be used for activities that you enjoy fully, that promote relaxation and increase your sense of self-worth. It might be taking time in the morning to open up yourself in meditation to that greater, unlimited part of yourself. Find that time of day when you have the strongest feeling that all things are possible. Otherwise, it might be taking some time to listen to your favorite music, or read a good book.

Choose what will be your "Me time"—find a way to take care of your needs and wants and strenghten your relationship with the most important person in the world, YOU!

Consider activities like walking, gardening, journaling, being outdoors, hanging out with friends, etc.

Other approaches recommended for stress management that are becoming more and more popular every day are the practice of meditation and mindful breathing.

Through meditation you can reach a state of balance and peace. It is easy to learn and you only need a few minutes of your day to take advantage of its benefits. It is said that a few minutes of meditation is equivalent to four hours of deep sleep.

If you are a beginner, I highly recommend that you start with a guided meditation or visualization that will help you make mental images of places or experiences that will promote inner peace and relaxation.

Yoga is another practice that was created originally to facilitate deeper states of meditation.

Nowadays, even though the yoga practice is promoted more as a fitness therapy you can still get both benefits, managing stress and for fitness purposes.

Mindful breathing is also a component to both, yoga and meditation and it is about using the breath as the object of the attention. Every time that your mind starts wandering you bring your attention to you breathing in and out.

Another practical benefit of these techniques is that you don't need a special equipment to implement them. Comfortable clothing for yoga will do it and just taking a 5 or 10-minute break to get relaxed and reenergized would make a big difference in your life.

So, next time you feel stressed, just stop for a minute and take a deep breath. Fill up your lungs with the breath of life and let go of all the tension you have accumulated during the day.

The post How to manage stress appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
How to manage your time https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/how-to-manage-your-time/ Mon, 15 Oct 2012 16:24:56 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/how-to-manage-your-time/ Do you find yourself repeating over and over, "I would really love to go to the gym but I just…

The post How to manage your time appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>
Do you feel like you race in circles all day, but see few results from your actions at the end of the day?

Do you find yourself repeating over and over, "I would really love to go to the gym but, I just don't have time" or, "I'd be so happy if I could finish this or that project I started so long ago but, I just don't know how to fit it into my schedule?"

Breathe a sigh of relief because and use these simple tips to create the time you need to finish up those little projects you've postponed for a long time.

1. Grab a journal, a blank piece of paper, or open up a blank document in your computer and write at the top of the page "My five top life priorities." Then choose the main five areas that are important in your life, or choose from the following areas:

Health (emotional, physical, mental, spiritual) family, children, friends, community, mate, finances, aging parent, volunteering, work, religion, fun, hobbies

2. Next, I want you to choose the five top activities you do during the day. For example, if you have 16 hours of waking time then choose those activities that take most of your time during the day:

Working, watching TV, grooming and personal hygiene, personal calls and emails, social media (Facebook, Twitter and the like), Internet, commuting, fun, children/ grandchildren, health related visits, church, community

3. The last step is to evaluate whether your daily activities support your life priorities and decide if you need to make adjustments.

Now that you have a clear idea of your priorities and daily activities, you will be able to make a better use of your time by following these tips:

  • Make sure that you are spending time on things that matter the most to you so at the end of the day you have no regrets.

  • Create a weekly schedule with the projects you must complete before the week ends.

  • Every night, take a few minutes to write a to-do list for the following day.

  • Choose three must-do activities that will help you accomplish every project.

  • Schedule personal time to get refreshed and reenergized.

  • Review how much you accomplished and what needs to be rolled over the next day's to-do list.

  • Always acknowledge how far you've come and reward yourself for your achievements!

The post How to manage your time appeared first on FamilyToday.

]]>