The night I met him, we stayed up all night just talking. We laughed so hard I was afraid I would wet my pants in front of him. He was 23 and I was 21. It was beyond natural being with this person who was in so many ways just like me, but different enough that I loved learning from him.

It was instant that connection.

The next time we were together I knew it wouldn't be the last. Never did something seem so obvious to me than this: he was my soul mate.

When I left the country for 18-months, I knew he'd be there when I returned. How could he not be? I had had too many experiences where it didn't just feel right, it was obvious we were meant to be.

Of course, he would be there when I got home.

He wasn't.

Two months before I returned, he got married and my heart broke.

Who would I marry? Was it possible to feel that strongly about someone again? Would I be settling for second place? Was that fair to whoever I did marry? Why would God do this to me?

The opposite of my soul mate

When I returned home, I wasn't looking for my husband and he wasn't looking for me - but as it happens, we found each other anyway.

Unbeknownst to either of us, we were in the same high school graduating class. I remember seeing him around the halls and thinking he was good looking. I even wrote in his year book, but I never got to know him.

The first time Travis and I went out, he showed up in an '88 Mustang - a muscle car of all things. It fit perfectly with the tight shirt he was wearing. The shirt was stretched over bulging muscles that I was sure were his primary focus. His hair was spiked and he wore a Pukka shell necklace. We were both 23.

He picked me up at my parents' house. On my way out the door I turned, made eye contact with brother and rolled my eyes. This would never work out.

Travis didn't talk much, which was fine since I wouldn't have been able to hear him over the roar of his car. We went to dinner. He didn't make very many comments, except to tell me that he'd never had a girl finish her food before he did.

Yes, this was definitely not going anywhere. I excused myself to go to the restroom while he paid for dinner. When I came out he was gone. I went outside thinking he may be waiting for me out there. I noticed a homeless man asking people for money so he could eat. That's when I saw Travis come outside.

He didn't notice me and must have thought I was still in the restroom. I saw that Travis had a bag of food he must have just purchased from the restaurant. He promptly walked up to the homeless man and gave it to him along with $20: "I thought you might be hungry," was all he said.

He never knew I saw.

On the way home, I made more of an effort. By the time he took me home, I knew I had judged this boy wrongly. It was me that had been lucky to go out with him, not the other way around.

From then on, we were together. We never stayed up laughing all night. I never got butterflies when he kissed me or held my hand. He didn't sweep me off my feet, and he wasn't one to compliment me very much. But he was stalwart where it counted. He was pure and simple good. He did what was right because it was simply that - right. We just made sense together.

It came time for us to either get married or part ways. I didn't want another heartbreak or to waste my time on something if it wasn't going anywhere. The only problem was, neither of us knew how to tell if it was right. Weren't you supposed to feel butterflies? Or stay up laughing all night? Or have a booming voice from heaven, or get some kind of guarantee that this was your soul mate?

Neither of us got any of those things. All I knew was that I was completely comfortable with Travis, that he was a good human being, that he loved God and tried to do what was right. Somehow I had fallen in love with this man who was the opposite of my soul mate and I perhaps the opposite of his.

The best advice: It doesn't matter

Sometime after that, I received what could possibly be the best piece of advice I have ever been given. I asked a wise older man at our church, how to know if Travis and I were right for each other? He laughed.

"You're both very good people, with a strong belief in God," he said. "It's your choice who you end up with and what kind of marriage you have."�

It was so simple, but nothing had ever been so clear to me in that moment. That other boy from before and me, didn't end up together not because God hadn't wanted us to, not because there was someone better for me or him and maybe not even because it wasn't right. I was gone and a great girl came along and he chose her. It was that simple and that was OK. My life wasn't over; my chance for true love was not gone.

In that moment I realized something: It doesn't matter whether or not we think we've found our soul mate. A soul mate is whoever we choose it to be.

Yes, in marriage there will be times when we want to throw in the towel regardless if you married your "soul mate"� or not. All of us will have those times. For Travis and I, there have been entire years where we have drifted apart and didn't know how to get back. Financial struggles, job loss, death of family members and depression are just a few of the things that have tugged at us throughout our marriage. They've probably tugged at you, too.

When I got married, I, like you, didn't get a guarantee that our marriage would work out. Such guarantees don't exist. What we did get, however, was a choice. I get to choose to be the wife I want to be. I get to choose whether to become closer or whether to drift apart when times are hard. I get to choose to have the marriage I want with the man I chose to marry.

Lucky for me, the man I chose turned out to be an awesome choice, though I didn't fully realize it nine years ago. It took some hard times for us to become much closer. There will surely be more hard times for us and maybe even more times of wanting to throw in the towel, but I guarantee that there will be many more wonderful times like the ones we've already been privileged to enjoy together. We are lucky.

The more I choose us, the more I realize something: I didn't marry my soul mate, but that doesn't matter. He has become it.

The post I didn’t marry my soul mate appeared first on FamilyToday.

He's exactly right. It's not that our MILs are horrible while our own mothers are perfect. It's just that they're different. So how do we adapt to a different crazy? The following are some of the issues I have faced with my own MIL.

Communication

It's trite I know, but it's true. My family is an open book, maybe too open. My in-laws book isn't just closed, it's hidden. I have written letters to my MIL to communicate feelings, both bad and good. Although nothing changes, she has always been gracious and I've discovered that it helps me not to keep negative feelings bottled up. We probably aren't going to change, but it still doesn't ever hurt to explain who we are and why we do the things we do. A little bit of understanding goes a long way.

What do I call you?

I still remember the phone ringing once during a family dinner. My brother-in-law was closest to it, so he answered it. It was for my Mom. He stood there awkwardly holding the phone out in front of him not saying anything. Since there were about 20 of us in the room none of us knew who it was for. Finally he blurted out, "The phone's for you, Mom ... Connie ... Sister Rose ... Mrs. Rose."

We thought it was hysterical and even more so when my Mom got a weird look on her face. "I'm not your Mom."

This was a far cry from my own MIL who would love for me to call her "Mom."� I'm not comfortable calling her that, not because she isn't wonderful or that I don't love her, but simply because I already have a mom. That title is pretty sacred. It's not just a name. It's something that's earned. My Mom has earned it, just like my MIL has with her own kids. As much as some families try to act like everyone is equal and there aren't "in-laws," it's not true. Otherwise we wouldn't use the name "in-law." It's a fact, not a criticism. But being an in-law doesn't have to mean that you're a "less than." I certainly don't expect my mother-in-law to feel the same way about me as she does her own daughters. That doesn't, nor should it, offend me. We can still have a great relationship without forcing it to be more than it needs to be.

Change Probably Won't Happen

How many times have we had the same arguments over and over again with our loved ones? This is because we all have faults and usually these arguments center on our faults. Change is hard, but maybe acceptance is easier. For years there have been things that have driven me crazy about my MIL and I'm sure she feels the same about me. I've discovered something. The more I try to get things to change, the more frustrated I become. I had an epiphany the other day. It was that I wasn't being fair to my MIL. My Mom is a very strong and independent woman. I realized that I was expecting my MIL to handle things the way my own mother does and I was becoming upset when she didn't. I didn't even realize I was doing this. I was viewing my MIL as weak and was losing respect for her because of it - something that was very unfair.

My mom raised us to be tough and very independent. She encourages her children and their spouses to rely on each other and not their parents. My MIL on the other hand would love if we lived with her, sat right by each other all day long on the couch and hugged and kissed each other frequently. Which brings me to the next point.

Personal Space

The first time my husband's family was all together we all hugged hello and then hugged again good-bye. I wondered if someone had died. Why else would we be hugging? We live within a mile of each other and see each other all the time. I finally explained to the in-laws that just because I'm not a huggy person doesn't mean I don't like you. It's simply not how I was raised. In a weird way I realized that I resented hugging and kissing my MIL because I don't even act that way with my own mother, who I'm very close to. It felt false to me. What I realized was that it wasn't false on her part. That was how she showed love and that's OK. It's also OK for me not to initiate something I'm not comfortable with. We tend to expect people to react the way we want them to and when they don't we think something is wrong with them.

Don't get offended on the small things. Save it for the big ones

If your MIL invites her daughters to lunch or shopping and doesn't invite the daughter- in-laws, before you get offended ask yourself if you'd invite your MIL to lunch with you and your sisters or your mom. Probably not. Just because she still wants to do some things with just her daughters doesn't mean she hates you. If it's not a big deal, don't make it one. Also if your MIL wants to do a family portrait and wants the photographer to take one picture of the original family without in-laws, that's fine. Get over it. However if that's the only picture she wants to take, that's not OK. Your kids chose to marry their spouses. It wasn't your choice, but it shouldn't have been. Do not exclude them from a family picture since they are now part of the family whether you like it or not.

"If you can't say anything nice"�"�"

Yes, she has faults, but it doesn't make her an outlaw. I know I have them too. She's a mother and probably has had them pointed out to her her whole life either by her kids, a spouse or herself. Just like I have. I want a break sometimes so why can't I give her one? I know that one day I will face these same issues with my own daughters-in-law and that knowledge tends to give me the perspective I need to be a little kinder. At the very least, it may make it a little easier to let my sons go when they get married one day.

The post How to deal with a different crazy: Mother-in-laws appeared first on FamilyToday.

I started laughing out loud. Really? That's your big secret? Sometimes you don't like your kids? Duh.

Do you ever have those days as a mom, where you're just sure the Department of Family Services is minutes from showing up at your door to take your kids away? Instead of fearing it, do you wonder what in the world is taking them so long to get here? Or how about watching the news? You see someone in a coma and you sigh longingly and think, "Oh man, what I wouldn't give for a good coma right now."� That's not even my dirty little secret. That's my reality. I'm a mom.

I love my kids, but sometimes Leave it to Beaver mommy is on holiday and she's left Kathy Bates from the movie Misery to babysit. The crazy in me usually peaks during tax season. My husband's an accountant, which means for three months every year, I'm a single mom and I enter survival mode. Here are five ways I do it.

1. Simplify

It's tax season again and I noticed the other day that without even being aware of it, I have gradually been putting parts of my kids' beds away in the linen closet. First it was the throw pillows, then it was the sheets (I left the fitted sheets ... for now) and yesterday I took their comforters out of the duvet covers and packed those away too. Now, I simply toss the comforter in the air like a laundry detergent commercial and leave it where it lands.

2. Grunge is in

The beds aren't looking good anymore, but frankly neither am I. If I don't spend the time on me you better believe those kids of mine aren't looking great either. I took them to lunch the other day because we had to get out. I wore the same jammies I had worn since the start of tax season along with the same ponytail. My daughter wore sweatpants under a skirt, her older brother's moon boots, and a swimming suit top with a nice church sweater over it. Who am I to judge? Maybe that's all it takes to look like you made an effort. Toss a good sweater on top of your grungies and kudos to you for classing it up. The two boys wore jammies as well. We walked into the café and I immediately noticed a small group of women that went to high school with me. On our way out I decided, to say, "Hi". I felt good about myself for making them feel good about how their lives had turned out.

3. Less Judging

How many times do we stand outside in little groups watching the neighbor's kid who has escaped yet again wearing only a diaper? We shake our heads while saying how we can't believe his mother has the audacity to have another baby when she obviously can't control the ones she has now. All while the poor woman's probably inside her house puking her guts out, with morning sickness.

I've discovered something: Almost every time I judge another woman, I'm put in my place immediately by my own mothering skills or lack thereof. That particular time it was seeing my own escaped child (only mine was naked) who in that moment happened to be defecating on my next door neighbor's brand new curbing.

Growing up my mom use to say to us, "You're just as good as anyone else, but you're no better."� I'd like to add that perhaps "You're no worse either."� I'd say the large majority of us are great moms. We're all just trying to survive and do our best. What we need is to give ourselves and each other a major break.

4. Laugh it off

Who'd you rather be? One woman I ran into at the grocery store who looked perfect said, "Oh man I wish I had your guts to go out in public looking like that."� Or, the next door neighbor who calls me on the phone, laughing hysterically because she's seen what my child has left on her new curbing. She tells me not to sweat it and that she's surprised it wasn't one of hers. Instantly I love her and vow to be more like her.

5. Forgive yourself

My kids watched two hours of straight TV today while I napped. I fed my ten-month-old cake for breakfast. I saw my two oldest kids buck naked peeing in the neighbor's yard (I promise they really are house broken) and heard my daughter repeat a word I use on occasion, but shouldn't. That's just in one day. Immediately the voice in my head starts to let me know what a crappy mom I am. The only problem is it doesn't acknowledge all the things I did right today. Like getting up at 4:45 am to go to the gym, coming home and making a warm breakfast for my husband and kids, playing with and reading to my kids, setting up play dates and making healthy lunch and dinners. Let's be honest, we do more things right than we do wrong and that's something.

None of us should be shocked at each other's dirty little secrets. We should be relieved knowing that not one of us is perfect. We are normal. This is normal. Some days we're awesome and some days we're just trying to survive. It's called motherhood. We're all doing the best we can and that's good enough.

The post How to embrace your dirty little secrets appeared first on FamilyToday.