A plethora of behaviors surface when people lead with fear: rigidity, entitlement, favoritism, bullying, pretentiousness, insecurity, gossip, and many others.

Typically, in order for an employee, athlete, or student to advance in a fear-based environment, that person will probably need to "play the game,"� and pander to everyone else's ego. Yet, doing so won't guarantee a promotion, or a spot on a team. Worse yet, the employees, athletes and students stress out with the prospect of returning to that fear-based culture on a regular basis.  This type of leadership can be found in parenting, as well. If parents operate through fear, children live with that dread 24 hours a day, seven days per week. 

Luckily, hope-based leaders and parents exist, too. These are people who inspire creativity, engagement and self-efficacy. For example, Tony Hsieh, CEO of Zappos.com has created a culture of trust by asking employees about themselves, soliciting advice and feedback from them, listening, and investing in them. These same strategies can work in developing a healthy relationship with your children. Encourage communication with your child. Welcome involvement in some decision-making opportunities and be attentive when feedback is offered. 

Just like Hsieh helps transform his employees into incredible people through his hope-based leadership, so can you in your own environment. This begins with a self-transformation, which will ultimately create a ripple effect through your team, business, classroom, and most importantly your family.

Here's how to begin building a hope-based environment and become a hope-based leader. It's really simple.

1. Love yourself

Love who you are. If you don't love yourself, how are you going to love, believe in, coach, and inspire others? Furthermore, people don't follow someone who doesn't believe in and love herself. If you don't love yourself, you really lose credibility and respect.

How do you do this? Start by finding every good thing about you. Make a list. Look at it every day. There is a change model called "Appreciative Inquiry." I love it because it asks, "What's going right instead of wrong?"� Ask yourself, "What am I doing right?"� Then celebrate those things, including how you are making a positive difference and that you're a valuable human being. The more you do this, the more you will begin to love who you are.

2. Use affirmations

Utilizing affirmations like, "I love myself, I love myself, I lovemyself,"� or, "I'm doing this, I'm doing this, I'm doing this,"� is a great way to lay the foundation for what you want to become.

Essentially, you have to change out of a fear-based mentality. Think of as many positive affirmations as you can, then not only recite them, but post them in various places (i.e., your car, bathroom, in your Blackberry, iPad, and as your screen savers) so that you are constantly reminded of your worth, value, purpose, and greatness. One person I know records and listens to them when she drives and works out. Another sings a positive song several times a day as her affirmation.

3. Visualize yourself as a leader

Next, you have to visualize what kind of leader and person you want to become. Capture a picture of that person in your mind. Walk, talk and act like that person. The more you do this, the easier and more comfortable it will become. Eventually, it will become second-nature; you will be that person.

Many people tend to visualize what they don't want. Always visualize what you want to happen.

4. Assert yourself

People like assertive leaders. When you learn to assert yourself, make sure to do it through your voice (tone), mind, body language, word choice, and actions. It won't hurt to spend time with and learn from other hope-based leaders who have mastered being assertive and other hope-based traits.

Once, I hired a coach to help train me to be more assertive. This coach had me recite into a tape recorder negative statements I had made and then play it back. "Do you believe this?"� she asked. "No,"� was my common answer. The more I did this the more assertive I became.

5. Believe in yourself

Believe in yourself and your ability no matter what happens or what anyone says or thinks. According to American psychologist, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, "What you think about me is none of my business."�

Unfortunately, many people get focused on seeking approval from others, even from those they do not know. That search can really mess them up. Believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that you were created to do great things. Then, pray to discover those great things. In the meantime, think confident thoughts and be confident in your actions and words. Consider for a moment the power in this practice. The example you present in believing in yourself and not relying on the approval of others offers a valuable model which your children may emulate. 

When you love who you are, recite positive affirmations, visualize yourself as a leader, assert yourself, and believe in yourself, you will be in a much better place and position to love others. You will be on your way to becoming the hope-based leader and the strong, confident parent you were created to be. Your employees, athletes, students, and your family will thank you.

The post How to become a hope-based leader appeared first on FamilyToday.

I'm sorry to say that years ago I wasn't a hope-based coach. I was coaching elementary school girls' basketball at the time, and I was coaching it like it was the WNBA. I took the game way too seriously. It was as if the girls were on scholarship or something.

I feel bad too. That's the the age to really teach kids how to have fun. At that time, they should know that it's safe to make mistakes. It's also the time for everyone to have an opportunity to play, not just the coach's kid or the best players.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of coaches coaching inappropriately. For example, I saw a coach slam a clipboard on the benches behind a team. The team saw this, as did family members, fans, friends, other spectators, even the opponents, and all because a player (his daughter actually) wasn't performing to his standards.

When I witnessed this event, my heart ached for his daughter, his team, family, him, the school and the community. It actually was a sad and embarrassing sight. I remember thinking, "What would motivate someone to act like that?"� and "If someone would act like this in public, what's it like at home?" Ego, power, lack of self-esteem, anger, were just some of the words that came to mind.

One time, in between sessions at an education conference, me and several other attendees were sitting in a room where we could rest and catch up on email. I overheard a principal talking to what sounded like a coach on the other line (I ended up commending the principal afterwards, but first apologized for what I overheard).

Here's some of that conversation:

"It's just that you're humiliating the kids, and that's not what it's about. ... But you yell and scream at them in front of their peers and the public. ... It kills their confidence and ability to play. ... You're pointing out everything they're doing wrong. ... They're already emulating your behavior. "¦ It's destructive behavior. "¦ It's not what we want for our kids. "¦ I'm just saying it has to change, your approach, or you won't be able to continue."

It's not that the principal was aggressive to his coach. He was assertive and he was concerned. Yet, he also told his coach, "You need to love them, instill confidence, teach and coach them without fear of reprisal. "¦ Let them know it's okay to make mistakes. Reprimand in private and compliment in public. "¦ Focus on what they're doing right. "¦ Lead with hope."

I was amazed. That principal, who also happened to be a parent of one of the players, nailed the differences between fear-based and hope-based coaching.

The principal smiled at me when I approached him after his call.

"Sir, I just wanted you to know that you're doing the right thing."

"Thank you," he said.

We've probably all experienced a fear-based coach, and hopefully a hope-based one as well. When coaches slam clipboards, curse, roll their eyes, yell, scream, publicly humiliate their athletes, hit and kick things, bench players for inadequate performance or use rude, demeaning nicknames in public, it's time for them to take a break from coaching.

When coaches do these kinds of things, no one is having fun. People are scared, on pins and needles. Such coaches do not set the best example to their players or anyone else who's witnessing their childish tantrums. Perhaps such coaches should only come back to coaching when they're able to lead with the following hope-based approaches (especially toward athletes):

• Love them.

• Let them know that it's okay to make mistakes.

• Compliment them in private and in public.

• Work to connect (even finding commonalities) with them.

• Find the good in them.

• Remember that all of them are your favorites.

• Have faith in yourself and others.

• Read Dale Carnegie's, "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

• Read "

," by Colonel Arthur J. Athens, Professor of Leadership at the Naval Academy.

• And remember, it's just a game, but that you're impacting people's lives.

There are many, many more hope-based approaches, but this list is a good starting point. People change. In any case, coaching's not about the coach. It's about the athletes, the kids, the family, the neighborhood, the students and the community. I should know. After all, at one point I had forgotten that.

The post Teach by example: How to become a hope-based sports coach appeared first on FamilyToday.