Relationship maintenance: It’s the little things

admin — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 17:10:12 +0000

During the 2012 London Olympics, royals William and Kate were cheering on Great Britain's men's team sprint win when they were caught on camera in an affectionate embrace. Though usually more reserved in public, William and Kate's open show of affection was a healthy demonstration of relationship maintenance behaviors. Couples who fail to express their love for each other, in public or in private, generally are in a state of deterioration.

Often the little things we do add up and will either help or hinder the health of the bonds between romantic partners. It is important to consistently work on relationships, even when the going seems tough. Here are five simple behaviors to help keep your relationship healthy and happy:

1. Show cherishing behaviors

According to Joseph A. DeVito, in his book "The Interpersonal Communication Book," cherishing behaviors are "small gestures you enjoy receiving from your partner (a smile, a wink, a squeeze, a kiss)."� These affectionate reminders should be simple, small and given on a day-to-day basis. William and Kate's embrace at the race was a good example because it was meaningful and loving. (You can find a comprehensive idea list of cherishing behaviors by going here and here.)

2. Use Technology

Although, some might debate the value of electronic communication in relationships, technology can be used quickly and easily to let your partner know you are thinking of them, and they are important to you. A quick text to ask how the day is going, or a thoughtful post on their Facebook wall, are simple ways to communicate love and affection. Jeff Spiers of Englewood, Colorado said, "I travel a lot, so we communicate in a variety of ways. One of my favorites is when I am in a meeting and (my wife) texts the lyrics of a song we both enjoy. She texts a line or two, and I complete the next line or two in a response. It brings me home mentally."�

3. Share Quality Time

Spending time together is an important component in relationship maintenance. Couples who do not spend time together often find their relationship beings to deteriorate. Doing specific things as a couple, such as cleaning house, participating in hobbies, sharing meals, or even grocery shopping together, helps to increase the time you have to communicate and share affection with one another. Cami Wright of Mesa, Arizona said, "With three children all under the age of 5, we try to have a weekly date night where we can spend time with one another to re-connect after a hectic week and enjoy adult conversation."�

4. Recognize Important Occasions

Celebrating birthdays and anniversaries, congratulating each other on both small and significant accomplishments, and recalling good memories made with each other helps to build a sense of unity and togetherness. Nancy Johanson of Albuquerque, New Mexico said, "My husband grew up hating his birthday because of its proximity to Christmas. Because of this, I make an extra effort to celebrate his birthday. The kids and I make him homemade gifts, make his favorite dinner and birthday cake (yellow with chocolate frosting) to show how much we love him. Hopefully we've helped him to feel special on his special occasion."�

5. Focus on Self Improvement

No matter how many faults your loved one has, ultimately you need to love them as they are. It is not your job to try to change or improve them. Instead, focus on improving yourself and becoming the best partner you can be for them. Keep yourself attractive and fit with regular exercise and a healthy diet. Develop talents, improve your education, or work on your career. Kathya Steadman of Mesa, Arizona said, "A couple of years ago, I started to exercise and eat right to trim down. I even became a fitness instructor. I feel so much better about myself and so much more confident. The fact that I feel healthy and happier about myself has helped me immensely in my relationship with my husband and children. I have a much more positive outlook on life and those good feelings translate into more love and harmony in our home."�

The post Relationship maintenance: It’s the little things appeared first on FamilyToday.

Relationship maintenance: Talk is not cheap

admin — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 01:48:39 +0000

Marriage and family therapists are quick to note that maintaining any romantic relationship requires time and effort. Here are five tips focusing on verbal communication that can serve to benefit and maintain a relationship.

1. Be Nice

It seems almost too simple to even mention, but there is a reason that the idiom "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar"� rings true. Now, it's usually not too difficult to be polite to total strangers, and yet for some reason the same is not always true about those we love. Speaking in kind tones, using common courtesy, and giving an added measure of patience can go a long way to help maintain a relationship. Once during an argument, my mother stormed out of the house and headed down the street. After a few minutes my father loaded the kids in the car and drove after mom. He pulled up next to her, leaned out the window, and said with a wink and a smile, "Hey, baby, wanna ride?" His willingness to be nice in spite of hard feelings helped mom to realize their relationship was more important than the argument.

2. Talk

Speak up! Your partner doesn't know how to read your mind. Share your thoughts and feelings. Let your wants and needs be known. Give honest feedback when needed. You'll probably notice that a lot of problems can be averted if you're just willing to say something. Jill, from Mesa, Arizona used to get frustrated with her spouse when he could not seem to remember her preference for dessert on date nights. As she's matured she's learned something. "It is more effective and easier to just tell him what I want for dessert right away," she explains. "I get what I want and I am not angry with him for not knowing."

3. Be Supportive

No two people think exactly alike. Responding constructively, even when your opinion differs from that of your spouse, helps retain positive feelings. Becky, from Mesa, Arizona, often chuckles over some of the inventive money-making ideas her husband comes up with on a regular basis. Instead of criticizing, she learned fairly early in marriage the value of the phrase, "That sounds interesting; you should look into it." By responding positively, she is able to show support and keep the peace in her home.

4. Communicate with Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand or anticipate what another person is feeling. Unfortunately, we don't always have empathy for those to whom we are closest. When we don't try to understand our loved ones' emotions, we can cause damage to our relationships. Some years ago, Julie, from Mesa, Arizona had cancer and was recovering from surgery and awaiting radiation. She recalls, "I was really struggling, physically and emotionally. While my side of the family was really supportive and positive the opposite was true of my in-laws. They dismissed my cancer and my struggle as 'the good kind of cancer,' gossiped about me, criticized my housekeeping skills, and seemed to dismiss my needs. Instead of offering help where they could they failed to be empathetic or to offer service." Although Julie's cancer has been in remission for several years, she still struggles with the way she was treated.

5. Don't Forget Small Talk

Small talk serves an important purpose in relationships: it helps confirm that everything is OK. On the other hand, when a couple finds themselves unable or unwilling to communicate, then that can be a sign of unresolved anger or resentment. Jan, from Huntsville, Alabama said, "[As a young mom] I was lonely and isolated and felt the need for intellectual communication with adults. My husband was always tired and drained from work when he came home, and his need was for peace and quiet. At the dinner table he would sometimes not say a word. I got so frustrated with him I threatened to eat dinner in the bedroom. He acquiesced, the next day, by listening to a joke on NPR and recounting it at the dinner table, followed by news flashes on other days. I was flattered by his quick response because I felt it came at some sacrifice to him."

The post Relationship maintenance: Talk is not cheap appeared first on FamilyToday.

Rebecca Irvine – FamilyToday