Pornography has been a topic of increased focus for the last decade. As the internet has come to dominate our lives and various forms of pornography have become more accessible, scholars and the general public have struggled with fully understanding the short and long-term effects of increased pornography use and exposure.

A recent study by Doran and Price found that adults who had viewed pornography in the last year "were more likely to be divorced, more likely to have an extramarital affair, and less likely to report being happy with their marriage or happy overall."

While we should be careful with making blanket statements like "everyone that watches porn will have a horrible marriage," these types of research findings underscore the important relationship issues that arise from repeated pornography use by one or both partners.

Unfortunately, there are many who not only view pornography occasionally, but struggle with pornography use as a very real compulsive addiction. This type of behavior can lead to lying to one's partner or other harmful relationship behaviors.

So what if you're the spouse who has found out that your partner has been struggling with compulsive behaviors centered on pornography? How can you respond in ways that will help, not hurt the situation or your relationship?

Sometimes the response that individuals get from their partners regarding their pornography use does nothing but drive a wedge in their relationships. Below is one common mistake and some suggestions on how to respond to a partner who uses pornography in ways that does not undermine your relationship.

What NOT to do: Seek outside validation or air your complaints to the world

Consider this exchange on social media:

Young married woman posting on Facebook: HELP! I just found out my husband has looked at porn. My husband has a porn addiction. I feel like I can't trust him anymore. He is a monster, and he has been cheating on me with this smut. What do I do????

Online friends commenting: You deserve better! He IS a monster! Give him an ultimatum: it's you or the porn.

Unfortunately, exchanges like this are becoming more and more common. Regular porn use can be a damaging thing in many relationships, and feelings of betrayal and hurt are valid and reasonable for many people, especially if such use was unknown.

However, slandering a partner with strangers online shuts down effective communication. The same as with any other negative behavior, berating the individual who is struggling, or handing them ultimatums will only close any remaining communication that was left.

Name-calling also has no room in a relationship, even when you are upset. Rather, relationships improve when spouses approach each other with specific and reasonable complaints, instead of using blanket statements to attack personality or character.

With the expansion of social media, people seem less concerned about the necessity for being discreet in relationships. There are things that deserve to be private, and the struggles and vices of a spouse are number one on the list of things that do not need to be disclosed online. As soon as others are invited to comment on the turmoils of a relationship, biases appear. Friends who do not know both partners give their insight on only one side of the story, further alienating one partner from the other.

What to do: Problem-solve and tapping resources

Instead of publicly posting on social media or name-calling, talk directly to your partner about your concerns. Avoid being judgemental and seek to understand your partner's point of view.

But what if your partner's behaviors are showing signs of true addiction? If this is the case, often simply talking about concerns is no longer enough and additional steps need to be taken. Here are some effective things that can be done to engage with a partner using pornography in an addictive or compulsive way:

1. Help them identify the problem, and the times and places it emerges

When is the urge to engage/to use/to lapse into the addiction most likely to appear?

2. Find ways to help your partner avoid those times and those things

If they are unavoidable, set-up a check-in system with your partner. Be the person tehy can come to and talk to when the urge to use arises.

3. Accept that the behaviour probably won't stop forever the first time

There will probably be slip-ups, but if you allow one slip up to destroy your resolve to continue improving, you will never come out on top. Keep moving forward.

4. Establish an open dialogue about how your spouse is improving

Ask them about their temptations and how they are overcoming them. Be someone who they can come to when they struggle or lapse. Do NOT avoid the issue or make them feel judged if they talk to you.

5. Seek professional help if needed

When in doubt, find a therapist you can both trust and rely on. They are trained, they are licensed, and they can give support to both you and your spouse no matter the issue.

Pornography use does not need to lead to divorce or an unhealthy relationship, so long as there is communication, hard work, and possible forgiveness on both sides. Try taking our RELATE assessment for additional tips on where you and your partner could be more understanding of one another.

The post Is there marriage after pornography? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Even if you've never heard of the concept, phubbing is a social phenomenon that has been keeping researchers at Baylor University busy. Business professors James Roberts and Meredith David developed a valid scale of partner-phubbing (or Pphubbing), and surveyed 145 participants currently in relationships to determine both the prevalence of phubbing and its impact on interpersonal conflict.

The study found that the reaction to Pphubbing depended on the attachment styles of each individual. Those individuals who were anxiously attached (generally fear being ignored or abandoned) were much more likely to respond poorly to their partner using a phone or device than others. Hearing that, it seems easy to say, "well, it's my partner'sissue if my phone bothers them. They need to be less anxious," but attachment styles are only the tip of the iceberg.

Researchers also found that those who experienced the most phubbing in their relationships also tended to have more conflict, leading to more unhappiness in both their lives and their relationships. In blatant terms: Pphubbing does have a measureable effect on happiness, regardless of attachment styles.

Sure, it's easy to say "don't phub," but with how often individuals use their phones these days, it's definitely a case of "easier said than done."

So, what can you do to avoid Pphubbing?

Commit to your partner, not your phone

Make an effort to set aside your phone or device during bonding times with your partner. Put it on silent, or turn it off altogether. Even when you hear a notification jingle, ask yourself what really matters: my relationship or Facebook likes? If you find yourself worrying that people will feel ignored if you don't respond to their text, email, or message, let them know before quality time with your partner that you will be unavailable.

Declutter your digital life

Delete certain apps that may be most distracting to you. Knowing that those apps are no longer available, can help curb the urge to reach for your phone. You can still access most apps through a computer and internet browser, so removing those apps doesn't necessarily mean a jump off the grid, only less distractions in your pocket.

Schedule in offline times

Plan for time when you won't be using your phone. You may be surprised how many things you're missing by keeping glued to a device at all times. For one thing, you will be more available for conversations, especially if you're in a group or populated area.

Make it a game

When you are out to eat or at a social gathering, challenge everyone to not use their phones. Stack your phones face down in the middle of the table or room until an agreed upon time. Anyone who takes their phone from the stack before that time has to pay a penalty for losing. If you're out to eat, have them pay for everyone's meal, if you're at a party, they have to sing the national anthem while hopping on one foot with underwear on their head. Whatever will motivate people not to touch their phone and instead engage in the group. If no one touches their phone, congratulations, you've all won and spent more time building face-to-face relationships.

Ultimately, don't let your love of your phone detract from your love of your partner.

This article was originally published on Relate Institute. It has been republished here with permission.

The post The small thing you’re doing everyday that is unknowingly killing your love life appeared first on FamilyToday.

Because of this, we may often feel the need to hide who we really are on our application. Maybe we try to anticipate what the employer is looking for and word our answers to questions accordingly. Maybe we try to put a positive spin on previous jobs to match the job we are applying for.

In relationships, we may experience something similar. If we think our partner has all the power for making decisions in our relationship, is it possible we pretend to be something we're not because we want our partner to choose us? If so, will this help or hurt our relationship?

Clifton Oyamot of San Jose State, along with Paul Fuglestad and Mark Snyder of the University of Minnesota have found the answer to your question.

Mask-Wearing vs. Self-Acceptance

In social settings, there are often two people we will come across. Those who hide who they really are by adjusting their behavior to match what others are doing or those who don't care what others think and are able to be themselves. We could think of the first type as those who put on a mask.

Those who wear masks in social relationships are often trying to gain social influence by impressing others and trying to fit in. Because of this, they may seem like two very different people in different situations. This can make it difficult to feel satisfied in those situations because mask wearers are more concerned about what others think about them than how they feel about themselves.

The truth is, trying to impress others by being something we're not is often more harmful than helpful, and eventually they will probably see through the mask. The same is true in relationships.

Mask-wearing relationships

In relationships, the tendency to try to impress our partner is more likely to be associated with a lack of closeness and stability in the relationship. Those who wear masks are more afraid of the relationship ending. Because of this, they may be more likely to do something for their partner out of fear rather than any true devotion. They also avoid full emotional investment, which then interferes with their ability to feel close to their partner.

Self-acceptance relationships

Those who are accepting of themselves often have more satisfying relationships. Self-acceptors are more likely to feel they have just as much power as their partner, so they invest more emotionally in the relationship because they accept that a failed relationship is just as much their own responsibility as that of their partner. Rather than trying to figure out what their partner wants, they figure out what they want and take action to reach their own relationship goals.

Taking off the Mask

If you feel like you are wearing a mask in your relationships, there are some things you can do to take it off and be more accepting of yourself.

1. Focus on your good qualities and help your partner see them.

2. Figure out what you want from the relationship and express that to your partner.

3. Instead of trying to impress your partner, impress yourself by doing something you care deeply about.

4. Determine if your relationship is based more on a desire to impress others or out of your own desire to feel connected to your partner.

5. Take charge of one aspect of your relationship that is important to you. Discuss this with your partner.

6. Talk to your partner about what they really want from the relationship rather than what you think they want.

Whether in romantic relationships, or business relationships, take the time to figure out if you are just trying to impress someone else, or if you are acting in ways that represent who you really are. You will find that being yourself is more likely to make you satisfied in your relationships. Accept yourself and find the power you have to offer.

This article was originally published on The Relate Institute. It has been republished here with permission.

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1. Searching for soul mates make us think the grass is always greener

Finding a soul mate puts a lot of pressure on you. Even if you think there are 5, 10, or even 50 "soul-mates" out there, there are billions of people in the world and millions of dating partners. What if you get it wrong? If we hold to the notion of soul mates, when we get into a relationship and experience the inevitable challenges of those relationships, we sometimes start to wonder: "did I make the wrong choice?" We may even begin to notice other potential partners around us that may appear on the surface to be better options or potential soul mates. We call this type of behavior alternative seeking and it strikes at the core commitment between two people. As soon as we wonder if others may actually be our soul mate instead of our current partners, we will invest less effort into our relationship and it may undermine the stability of the relationship itself.

2. Searching for soul mates makes us miss what's right in front of us

In a similar way, looking for a soul mate often makes us ignore the positive element of our partner. People who are searching for a soul mate often focuses a lot of their attention on their partner's negative traits, after all, soulmates aren't supposed to have things we don't like. Focusing on these negatives might lead to the alternative seeking mentioned above but it can also make use miss all the positive elements of our partner. Every person has faults and makes mistakes but healthy relationship partners realize this and celebrate the positive aspects of their partner. They cherish the good times and look up to their partners for all the strengths they bring into the relationship. Those that seek soul mates often miss out on this positive and reinforcing element of relationships.

3. Searching for soul mates makes us forget about ourselves

One of the keys of any healthy relationship is that it involves two people who realize they are flawed themselves. They want to be better people for their partners. Those that seek soul mates often forget to work on improving themselves as relationship partners. Soul mates are meant to be perfect right? So why should I have to work on myself, I just need to find the person that fits with me perfectly? Unfortunately it is this type of thinking that get in the way of many relationships that includes one or two partners who fixate on soul mates. Their partners often sense that they are not willing to change themselves, instead expecting the other person to make any and all changes. This breeds resentment and negative feelings.

While the idea of soul mates seems romantic, the reality is that such a belief often gets in the way of healthy relationship formation and commitment. If you've found yourself waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Right to fall into your lap or have found that these types of beliefs may have had a negative effect on your current relationship, consider reevaluating the value of believing in soul mates. You may find that true soul mates are created by two partners who grow and build a life together, not two people that accidentally meet because of destiny.

This article was originally published on Relate Institute. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Should you find your soul mate? appeared first on FamilyToday.

How do you deal with a partner who seems to want too much closeness? Do you have a partner who you feel like smothers you or never gives you enough space? Rather than avoiding closeness, these partners want closeness, but sometimes aren't sure how to handle the closeness they get.

Avoidant attachment is only one dimension in how people connect to others. Those who are high in the other dimension, called anxiety, may be just as difficult to connect with, but in different ways. Early in life, anxious individuals were often lacking important, supportive relationships. When they do connect with people later on, it fills a large gap in their life, which also makes them very afraid of losing the relationship. This fear makes them very anxious and reactive when something seems to go wrong in the relationship.

In the same review of research I shared before, the scholars explored the effects of anxious attachment on relationships. While difficult, again they show that it is possible to have a successful and happy relationship with an anxious partner.

1. Intrusive Boundaries

Anxiously attached individuals feel safest when their partner is available to them. This may lead them to contact you frequently when you are away, or always want to be near you when you are together. Early on in a relationship, they may share more with you than you are ready for. All of these behaviors can make you feel uncomfortable and feel like an intrusion on your personal space.

What you can do

When you find yourself with an anxious partner, give them assurances throughout the day that you care about them. It may be annoying to have to respond to a text or phone call every five minutes, but if you ignore them they will only get more anxious. Instead, try setting your own routine of contacting them throughout the day at regular intervals that are more manageable. For example, call them once or twice to give them updates on your day. Taking the initiative in this way will provide the predictability they need, but allow you to set reasonable boundaries that you feel comfortable with.

2. Handling conflict

While avoidant partners are often not very confrontational, anxious partners can be very volatile and react with extreme emotions if they think something is going wrong. Because of this, they might often find something wrong with everything you do, and then confront you about it.

What you can do

No one really likes to argue, but you may think your partner does. The truth is that anxious individuals often jump to worse-case scenarios. Think about how often you call your partner during the day. Many anxious individuals may call you every hour because they fear you are with someone else. While it is very unlikely that most people would begin an affair in an hour, anxious individuals are often emotionally driven rather than logically driven. When your partner starts to question your behavior or motives, responding with defensiveness or a return of strong emotions may just confirm in their mind that they are right. Instead, remain calm and try to calm your partner down. Don't make this about you, but walk them through their own thoughts using logic to combat the emotions. The key here is to keep from sounding defensive and showing them that they are your first concern.

3. Predictability and Security

The greatest need of anxious individuals is to feel that the world around them is predictable. Anytime something unexpected happens they are likely to feel insecure about the relationship and themselves. The obvious next step is to put up their defenses. These may come in the form of leaving the relationship with little or no explanation, or feelings of unworthiness and undesirability. Your partner may increase in intrusive or emotionally driven behaviors.

What you can do

The key to staying connected to an anxious partner is that they want to feel close. By keeping your relationship patterns as predictable as possible and helping the anxious partner feel safe with your routines, your relationship can be very fulfilling for both of you. Be consistent and intentional about how you relate to your partner. When change does need to happen in a routine, take it slow and only make minor changes so your partner can adjust to the new routines in a way that feels safe to them. Explain what you are doing and why you are doing it so they are less likely to second-guess your motives.

It takes a lot of work and discipline to create a secure and safe relationship for anxious individuals, but showing your partner that they are safe with you will help them find security in many different kinds of relationships.

This article was originally published on Relate Institute. It has been republished here with permission.

The post How to love your ultra clingy, anxious partner appeared first on FamilyToday.

It costs too much money.

Often a marriage = a big wedding, and a big wedding = even bigger spending. Between the dress, the venue, the cake, and the photographer, many worry they will enter marriage completely broke. However, there are actually many monetary benefits to getting married. For one thing, taxes become easier, and can have a larger tax return. When spouses file jointly there's also a good chance that it will take less time to assemble the paperwork and cost less to have it prepared.

Additionally, that big flashy wedding isn't necessary.No research study to our knowledge has ever correlated wedding costs to marital success. Many people feel like they must decide between the full blown expensive wedding and the courthouse. Many, many couples have wonderful and meaningful weddings that fit within their current budgets.

I'll have to give up all my social circles for my spouse.

Your spouse is all you need to be happy, right? Wrong. In fact, studies indicate a relation between social support and marital happiness, suggesting that it is better to continue to socialize outside of your marriage instead of eliminating all friends except one. Marriage can also lead to an expanded social network as spouses introduce each other to family members, childhood friends, and work colleagues, and couples find themselves meeting other new couples like them.

Married people are all miserable and heading for divorce.

While it is true that many marriages end in divorce, it is not an absolute. Divorce is also not as common as many believe. While the divorce rate shot up alarmingly in the 1970s and 80s it has been declining ever since. Additionally, a study by Stack and Eshleman found that married individuals are on the whole 3.4 times more happy than those who were single or cohabitating. Marriage doesn't automatically mean a sentence to eternal misery.

I will miss out on the dating [sexual] opportunities I had while single.

Many fear that with marriage comes the loss of excitement from meeting new people and experimenting with different types of relationships. Specifically in regards to sexual satisfaction and frequency, married couples actually experience higher levels in both areas.

Research indicates that married couples have sex with a much greater frequency than singles. Having a permanent partner to date logically seems to reduce anxiety that comes with dating new people, and the fear of rejection.

I will lose my independence.

Going from single to coupled isn't necessarily a bad thing when it comes to being independent. While your sense of independence may change, it is often replaced with what experts call "transformation of motivation," where each individuals start to work together towards a mutual goal, rather than their own desires. Instead of being the only one looking out for your needs, you gain a companion who also has your best interests at heart.

Having to look out for your spouse also prepares you for professional work. In fact, a study found that married workers are less likely to miss work, are more productive, stay employed for longer, and are more likely to get along better with coworkers.

This article was originally published on Relate Institute. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 5 reasons not to get married (and why they’re all wrong) appeared first on FamilyToday.

Scholars have consistently found cohabitation to be a predictor for problems in marriage rather than helpful. Yet we continue this trend, and many people even encourage it. This may be because there are a number of myths about the benefits of cohabitation that still hold more influence among young people today than the research.

So what are these myths and what does the research say about them? Are there really benefits to cohabiting before marriage? Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, and Galena Rhoades of the University of Denver have committed much of their scholarship to understanding just that. What they have found may be surprising.

Myth #1: Living Together is a Good Way to Test a Marriage

If you live together, then you are able to get a better glimpse into the life with a potential partner. If you find something you don't like, it is easier to jump ship when you are not actually married. But if they pass the test, then you know your marriage will be so much stronger. In theory, this idea sounds great, but the reality doesn't match up.

The Reality

In one of their recent studies, the Denver team found that couples who are living together to "test" their marriage are more likely to experience conflict, abuse, and instability than couples cohabiting for other reasons. This is even before marriage has occurred, and the trends continue into marriage.

Why it doesn't work

The problem with this myth is that we are making the claim that cohabitation is no different than marriage, but research suggests that is not true. The two are as different as renting vs. buying. Renting is often chosen because of the possibility of leaving an apartment, or other rental unit, at some point and moving elsewhere. Because of this, we do not invest in the apartment, but are happy to leave it as we found it so we can get our deposit back. When we buy, however, we have the intention of staying in one place for a long time and are more willing to make investments, such as renovating the kitchen or carpeting, making efforts to improve our home.

Cohabiting is like renting. We enter the relationship with the idea that we CAN leave if things don't work out. This thought process then inhibits investment in the relationship, which then decreases the chances of relationship success. There is less motivation to make efforts into resolving our differences and less desire to improve ourselves for our partner. We take no ownership of the relationship.

Myth #2: Cohabiting Relationships are Easier to Get Out of Than Marriage

Cohabitation is easier to break off than marriage, just because there is no legal contract and process of breaking up. We can just go our separate ways and never have to deal with each other again. Unless we are absolutely committed to each other, we shouldn't enter something as serious and binding as marriage because we need to leave our exits open.

The Reality

The truth is that many cohabiting couples still end up either getting married or staying together despite relationship problems. They find that leaving is not as easy as they assumed.

Why it doesn't work

While it is true that leaving a cohabiting relationship does not require a court decision and legal fees, this does not mean there are not other barriers to leaving. Stanley and colleagues have found that couples who live together are more likely to build up what they call "constraints" or anything that makes staying in a relationship easier than leaving it. Some examples of constraints are a shared lease, pet, shared bank account, or even a child. This build up of constraints often leads couples to stay together because it is more costly to leave. Instead, they end up married having already established negative patterns of communication and commitment. Instead of having made the choice to be in the relationship, they often feel trapped instead.

Myth #3: Living Together after Engagement is Okay

In reality, research suggests this myth is partially true. Cohabitation ONLY after engagement does not appear to be predictive of major problems. Why? Because engagement gives couples a clear direction for their relationship, their commitment is not based on constraints but actual choice of partner, and they are already making investments into their relationship. In other words, engaged couples have taken ownership of their relationship and intend to make it last, just like couples who wait to live together until they are married. However, there is also research that suggests that even engaged couples who are cohabiting may experience problems if one partner is more committed to the idea of marriage than the other. Even in this situation, engagement does not guarantee couples will avoid some of the negatives associated with cohabitation and it is vital that couples have a clear and agreed upon trajectory for their relationship.

The good news is, we are beginning to understand why cohabitation before marriage contributes to relationship difficulties. This means that those who have cohabited can make whatever adjustments they need to avoid negative patterns in their relationships.

This article was originally published on Relate Institute. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Will living together before marriage destroy your relationship? appeared first on FamilyToday.

We have all come across messages about love through media. Romantic comedies are among some of the most viewed films of all time, and why not? They are fun and can make us feel good.

On the flipside, there are some valid concerns about how our viewing habits shape our perceptions about what love is and what it looks like. Are we getting realistic expectations or giving ourselves false hope when we watch rom-coms?

Perhaps some of both. In a recent study, Veronica Hefner of University of Illinois and Barbara Wilson of University of Wisconsin found four primary themes of romantic films.

1. Soul Mate/One-and-Only

Out of the 7 billion people on the planet, there is only one we are meant to be with.

The Cons

The biggest fiction of the soul mate belief is that there is someone we will be perfectly happy and matched with the moment we find them. However, if we are perfect for each other from the start, then there is no room for growth or conflict. As soon as we run into trouble, we are more likely to bail because the person is not our "soul mate" after all. In the end, we leave relationships that could have made us happy.

The Truth

While findinga soul mate is nearly impossible, becomingsoul mates is one of the central and most enjoyable tasks of relationships. In the beginning, it is important to find someone you share enough in common with to build a relationship, but the real journey comes with creating oneness. Learning how to work together to resolve conflict, overcome trials, and become united is what truly makes relationships successful and satisfying.

2. Idealization of Partner

The person we are falling in love with is perfect for us. They are flawless and make us perfectly happy. Nothing they do can possibly make us unhappy, upset, or doubtful of our relationship.

The Cons

The idealizing of a partner can become too extreme if it means we believe our romantic partner can "do no wrong." If our expectations for the relationship and our happiness come from the belief that our partner will never annoy, bother, or hurt us, we will only be disappointed.

The Truth

Eventually, the little quirks and habits of our partners that we once found endearing or "cute" may become annoying or bothersome. Instead of putting our partner on a pedestal of perfection, we should focus on the important things like their honesty, integrity, and commitment. When the little things lose their charm, these important characteristics will become a much stronger basis for a satisfying relationship.

3. Love Conquers All

All we need to overcome obstacles is love. Love is strong enough to keep the relationship alive.

The Cons

Trusting in love to save our relationships in moments of trial is a sure way of losing love quickly. While waiting for love to give us the answer to our problems, the trial can slip out of our control and overwhelm us to the breaking point of our relationship.

The Truth

Love can only conquer when it motivates us to overcome trials we face. Love can do nothing on its own, but it is one of the greatest motivators to change our behavior to accomplish positive results.

4. Love at First Sight

It is important to fall in love the moment we meet someone. Nothing else matters but to be with that person. It is meant to be.

The Cons

Waiting to feel a deep passion for someone after one glimpse or word may leave us looking for a long time. The obsession we may feel after such a moment, may do more harm than good and scare away the other person if we act too obsessively. Obsession isn't romantic.

The Truth

It is very possible to be attracted to someone after seeing them once or meeting them at some social event. But it is attraction only. The actual love comes after more time spent with that person.

While there is nothing wrong with enjoying a good romantic comedy, or even finding hope for love through such stories, they may not be the best source of getting a relationship education.

This article was originally published on Relate Institute. It has been republished here with permission.

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Try to remember your high school graduation. What were you wearing? What speeches were given? How did you feel? You may not remember every detail, but chances are you can clearly remember the feelings you had and some of the colors, sounds, or thoughts you experienced. Why is that?

Markers of accomplishment, such as high school graduation, are often celebrated with traditions that set them apart from everyday events. These traditions, or rituals, remind us that we are moving from one stage to another, and we can later recall these transitions with clarity.

Similarly, in relationships we make many transitions, big or small, that are important markers of the relationship's progress. Sarah Halpern-Meekin at the University of Wisconsin and Laura Tach at Cornell University have found that couples who use rituals to mark these stages are better able to remember the moment of change in the relationship, and are generally happier and more stable.

What is a Relationship Ritual?

When you think about rituals in relationships you may think about a proposal and the engagement ring. A proposal is often a marker of the desire to get married, and both partners express their desire for the marriage to occur. When we are engaged, we even have a special title that makes our relationship status clear to others. These rituals have symbolism and meaning attached to them.

But what about earlier transitions? Do we mark the moment from casual dating to exclusive dating? Do we agree on what it means when we meet the other's family?

Rather than being confused about what your partner expects, try creating your own rituals and meaning together. Decide together what it means to meet the parents, whether or not that meaning is the same for other couples. Create your own ways to mark important transitions, such as revisiting the site of your first date when you feel it is time to increase your commitment to each other.

No matter what you do or how you create your rituals, use them as clear celebrations of your relationship and the progress you are making. As you create rituals together you will find that the two of you are on the same page more often and growing closer together. You will remember the goals you have for the relationship better and feel you know what your partner expects.

Why are Rituals Important?

If we are not clear about the status of our relationship, or the meaning of events, it can become a source of confusion and conflict in the relationship. While one of us may think we are exclusively dating, the other may feel it is okay to date others. One person may see meeting the parents as leading to engagement, while the other may see it as a way for their family to be involved in their life. Being clear about the meaning of events and our desires for the relationship can save us a lot of heart-ache and confusion later. Relationship rituals also give us an opportunity to celebrate our relationships and reflect on the positive moments we have had in the past.

Creating rituals can be a great way to make sure you are moving through the relationship together and want the same thing. Follow these three tips to make sure you are celebrating your relationship in memorable ways:

Be unique

A good ritual is something that is clearly different than the daily routines of life. Think about the many holidays we celebrate. Why is Christmas so special to us? What do we do differently on Mother's Day? Every holiday is usually celebrated with activities that we would not do otherwise. Celebrate your relationship the same way.

Choose something with meaning

A great way to celebrate milestones is to revisit the place of your first date. This is because successful rituals include something with meaning for everyone involved, and often something that doesn't mean anything to anyone outside of the relationship. The ritual can become a symbol of the two of you and the life you share.

Continue the ritual

Once you have marked a special occasion together in one way, repeat that same ritual every year after to remember how much you have grown together. So the next time your partner says "let's talk" make it an opportunity to create a ritual marking the beginning of a great new adventure together. You will find that with each new change you will remember the wonderful times you have shared together more clearly and know you are with someone you love.

This article was originally published on Relate Institute. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Do you celebrate your relationship enough? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Starting a new relationship can be hard. We wouldn't be in the relationship if we didn't think it would make us happy, right? Once you are in the relationship though, how do you stay happy? Read on for some new research on four habits to keep your new relationship healthy for years to come or your old relationship thriving and rejuvenated.

Jeanne Flora of New Mexico State University and Chris Segrin of the University of Arizona studied how to develop satisfying relationships. They found four things that the most satisfied couples are doing in their relationships. How are you doing? Where could you improve?

Faster and Deeper

The happiest couples are moving through relationships faster and deeper. This means they are experiencing things like becoming "official" and "exclusive" faster, as well as feelings of really knowing their partner and being open with them. This doesn't mean they were engaged within a few weeks but speaks more to couples becoming dissatisfied if they feel like their relationship is stuck in neutral.

If you start moving slow or feel like your relationship is stuck, you may start to notice what is not happening in your relationship, and you may start to question if there is something holding you or your partner back. How can you move "faster" in your relationship? Talk to your partner about your desires for the relationship now and in the future.

More We-ness, Less Separateness

Happy couples think more about "we" than "me." In other words, they tend to think about their decisions, goals, and desires with the relationship in mind rather than themselves without their partner. One key for this step, however, is that each individual will have a different level of desired "we-ness." Fortunately, if you think there is enough "we-ness" in your relationship, then you will be happier, whether or not it is the same level of "we-ness" as another couple.

Realistic Expectations

When starting a new relationship, having realistic expectations about contact with your partner is important. Being disappointed with what happens in your relationship is not going to help you stay happy. If you expect to spend every minute together, you might be disappointed. If you expect to never see your partner, you have no hope for the relationship. If you expect to see your partner every day, even if just for a few minutes some days, you are more likely to be satisfied with the time you have together. The key is to have hope for a good relationship, but to set goals that you know can be realistically fulfilled.

Glorify the Struggle

Every relationship will meet an obstacle or a bump eventually. These may turn out to be great opportunities for growth, though. Couples who remember the hard times and learn from them are able to look back at how the relationship has improved. These couples are also happier than the couples who try to ignore the bumps or the couples who think one small obstacle is a sign of a doomed relationship. So, be grateful for the hard times, and keep growing together.

This article was originally published on Relate Institute. It has been republished here with permission.

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