Judgment

As people prone to creating tangled webs of problems (intentionally or not) we have a decision to make. On this barely subconscious level, each person decides whether to offer someone the benefit of the doubt or not. In short mental steps of succession, we've already judged and juried another's transgression or we've offered forgiveness. Depending upon the person who has harmed us (or our project, objective, feelings or ego), we decide. How we determine to lend some measure of compassion or grace is generally a multifactorial proposition. Did we enjoy a good breakfast? Have that second cup of coffee? Was the ride to work uneventful? Did our inbox contain the messages we anticipated? Or none of the above?

Blame

Seems petty, doesn't it? Too often we further compound one mistake by meting out added layers of punishment simply to make a point. People generally feel bad enough after making a problematic issue larger. On a practical scope, dredging up an individual's shortcomings does nothing to solve the problem. It's just that it comes so naturally to be critical of another's failings and we're so good at blaming.

Expectation

Instead of believing the worst about another person (doesn't matter much what they did or didn't do), try extending the benefit of doubt. See how that person responds. Extend trust, both in terms of being able to right the wrong - and by expecting better results for the future. Watch what happens. Individuals who are aware of their shortcomings are already feeling defensive, on the edge, and ready to do battle - in their mind, it's me against the world.

Trust

So, a strong offensive stance is required here - offer pardon, grace and some gesture of confidence in their ability to do better. The final word on trust - none of us deserve it, but there's no one who doesn't cherish it and then attempt to live up to another's higher expectation. It's a win-win situation for communities, for businesses, and for families.

A few closing words on trust.

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." Frank Crane

"Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him." Booker T. Washington

"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." Samuel Johnson

The next time (and it will be soon) someone wrongs you in some way, take a few minutes to consider the judgment you are making and the blame you are assigning. Are you expecting perfection? How would you like to be treated after your next blunder? Giving others the benefit of the doubt makes the world a better place for everyone.

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There's probably no holiday that is more stressful to the newly single mom or dad than Mother's Day or Father's Day. In this newly single state all the previous years' celebrations are history. Now, new traditions have to begin - and if they don't, everyone will be unhappy. But unhappiness doesn't have to be the prevailing emotion come Mother's Day or Father's Day. Both moms and dads can find fresh ways to view this special day by intentionally creating memorable ways to bond and begin again. Learn to start over - happy.

In his book, "Secrets of a Satisfying Life," Dr. David D. Ireland looks closely at statistical evidence that reveals the lifestyle choices of those individuals who consider themselves very happy. Bottom line, the happiest people are those who help others. In the wake of happy people, researchers have discovered similar characteristics shared by those who demonstrate consistent satisfaction with their lives. Included is the essential quality of developing a realistic perspective on life. The way in which life is seen and interpreted makes all the difference, so one must continually reevaluate personal perspective to ensure accuracy. While good and bad experiences and events happen to everyone, it is those who learn mastery in achieving a healthy perspective who live most happily.

Ireland recommends asking the following questions when difficulties arise.

1. Am I responding impulsively?

2. Is this the worst thing that can happen to me?

3. What do I want my future to look like?

4. How can I establish a strategy for happiness as part of the overall solution?

The author suggests this rule in response to any difficulty, warning that, "bad news cannot be responded to impulsively ... and a levelheaded response will help maintain a positive state of mind." Further, Ireland notes that individuals must not make the mistake of equating positive thinking with happiness. Rather, "habits of happy people are deliberate responses that have successfully proven to meet their personal emotional needs."

The author makes the telling statement that when one looks for the happy man; one will find him not in search of happiness. Instead, the happy man will be found building, writing, educating, growing - in other words, he will be making conscious choices on a moment-by-moment basis to enrich his life and the lives of those around him. Further, Ireland says, "Happiness can and is to be found in the measure of satisfaction one can find in the normal activities of life." Rather than searching for the perfect job, mate, house, vacation, happy people see (and focus upon) the good amidst the flaws and the shortcomings (which flavor part of every aspect of life).

Happy habits

• Recognize and establish a reasonable threshold of satisfaction so that more experiences are deemed positive.

• Embrace a hopeful outlook, "hopelessness is a coma of the soul."

• Develop a true portrait of who you are and who you are not, then work to achieve those dreams and goals within this informed framework.

• Balance activity with regular periods of restoration.

• Allow sincerity, vulnerability, and forgiveness their proper place in all relationships.

• Don't allow pain or past mistakes to paralyze, realize the future is a friend.

Happiness isn't an accident. As you learn to start over and make choices about new traditions to celebrate mothers and fathers, remember to be realistic and choose to be happy.

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Feeling overwhelmed is normal

Even though Emily was desperately afraid and overwhelmed at times, she knew one thing, she'd survive. She had to. Still grieving the loss of her marriage, adjusting to working and parenting 24/7, on her own, all left Emily exhausted and unable to look past each day's events - and sometime catastrophes. When people asked Emily how she was doing or what her future plans included, she didn't know what to say. Thinking ahead and planning for a different future than merely surviving seemed laughable.

Be willing to accept a helping hand

Don't be shy about taking trusted family and friends up on their offers to assist in practical ways. Say yes to babysitting help, running errands, minor household fix-it projects, and car maintenance tasks. Most people long to help out; they just don't know how to extend themselves in ways that matter most to a single parent. When someone offers, say thank you and accept.

Ask for a listening ear

Single parents need other adults to confer withΒ and confide in regularly. It isn't enough to talk issues out with the kids, no matter how old they are. Schedule regular appointments with a close friend to whom you can unreservedly unburden yourself without guilt or regret. Good friends allow you to first let the hurt and anger out; then they help you make wise plans to deal with each problem accordingly.

Take life one day at a time

No matter how dire today's situation appears or feels; realize it is only one day in a life. Always begin each new day with a fresh, expectant attitude. And remember, crisis mode is seasonal and temporary - it always is.

Thankfully, Emily realized early on that she needed outside support from family and friends. This single parenting life wasn't going to work if she attempted it on her own. Emily started listing all the gracious people who had offered to lend a hand. She started taking them up on their offers. It did her and her children a world of good. Those helping felt grateful to be part of assisting Emily as she began to rebuild a better future for herself and her children.

Something to remember - single, married, widowed or divorced - it's a common struggle to humble yourself to ask for help. When you're in need, you know what could help be it more money, an appliance repair, or a couple of hours of alone time. But the truth is, unless you share your struggles the people who love you, most assume you're OK. If they knew your hardships, they might willingly offer assistance. The truth is, we all need each other, and once you understand that fact, your relationships with others can deepen and grow. I may need your help today - but tomorrow you may need mine. Backup is a beautiful thing.

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